Episode 151 - Pwnage

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get: Hong Kong Edition! On today's episode we review the top 5 most stylish gas masks, test out our new laser, and discuss the pros and cons of molotov cocktails. But first and foremost we discuss good ol' Blizzard and our support of the #Blizzard Boycott. It'll be interesting to see BlizzCon next month, it's too big for them to cancel now, and they've got no new games in the pipeline....wait what? They're announcing Overwatch 2, Diablo 4, and Starcraft 3?....... Hey everyone, Blizzard said sorry already, lay off them, and get mad at these instead:

- "Owned"
- Nay-saying Progress
- Internet Celebs Going Mainstream
- Ghosts

PH1n4lLy, 1337 5P34K Phr0M 1995 1Z n0w 1n PH45H10n. w17 P0l171C4L 0PP0n3N7Z K0n574N7Ly 93771N' "0Wn3d", M4yB3 Up N3X7 W3 c4N h4v3 /\ B3rn13 54ND3RZ PR0N 5c4ND4L, 0R H4V3 J0rD4N P373r50N 360 N0-5c0P1Ng s0m3 N00b 7Ub3rZ. Okay, enough of that it's tiring. What I'm trying to say is that maybe it's time for forum signatures to come back along with IRC chat, BBS boards, Soundblaster cards and the novelty hamburger rotary phone.

We choose to go to the Moon and other worlds not because it is easy, but because we need to rid the galaxy of the Vex, the Hive, the Fallen, and Cabal. Wait, what? How about we choose to go to the Moon and other worlds because it's freaking awesome? Space technology *is* future technology. The computer that put man on the moon had 64 KILOBYTES OF RAM. That's a FIFTEENTH of ONE SECOND of a poor quality MP3. We can't fix the Earth. Either we've destroyed it beyond belief, or it's fine and will die when it's supposed to. EITHER WAY, I'd love to get off the rock and go somewhere else.

Anything sells these days. You know what's hot now? Twitter memes. They go viral, and some Hollywood executive gets a schlub to write up a spec script based on...let's see what's hot now... the "Nobody:" joke meme. IN A WORLD, where stand-up comedienne Angela Lake has a happy life and a booming Twitter following...the world comes to an end. For everyone, but her. Now, in a world without other people, what *is* comedy? When nobody is there to laugh, are you even funny? This Summer, Twitter, Vine, and Instagram star Amanda Haite is... I'm sorry I'm getting a breaking news story that former Twitter, Vine, and Instagram star comedienne Amanda Haite has been #Canceled due to social media posts of hers from 2008 where she claims "Boys are icky".

Ghosts. Are they real? No.

All this and more on this week's haunted episode! Join us on DISCORD, or support us on PATREON or buy BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 150 - RPG Talk (feat. Mandi Weems)

Welcome to a very somber episode of Here's What I Don't Get. Usually we're boisterous and jolly, but after the events of this weekend it's hard to find any light in this dark world of ours. Usually we don't get political, but we feel in this case we must. It's time for our government to finally do something about this problem plaguing our nation. The founding fathers could not have seen how advanced the technology would become, and in their days it took many times longer just for one use. It's time that we outlaw clowns. Clowns are currently the number one killers of Americans, and it seems that we have a new clown everyday. The mass Joker cosplays and Halloween costumes are a garish sight that represent the worst of our country's cries of 'Freedom'. If you need to be a clown to be free, I don't know that we should have freedom. Please, call you local legislators and let them know you've had enough of clowns and:

* Too Soon Biopics
* Video Games Causing Violence
* Witches

Coming to theaters Summer 2021, it's Broken Handles: A True Story. Based on episode 134 of the world famous Here's What I Don't Get podcast, follow the origins of Tim the Handlebreaker and who he was before the first handle. Absolutely not a quick cash grab and actually an artistic endeavor, here's the story of a man with plenty of life left. With absolutely no time passage to have society look back on, and definitely no scandals to come out and ruin his image, it's the perfect time to tell the story of someone still in the limelight. Buy tickets now, or purchase a deluxe ticket for 149.99 to receive a year's subscription to Breaking Handles the Magazine and a plush recreation of The First Handle. All proceeds benefit the "Tim's PC Upgrade Fund".

Video games cause violence. It's that cut and dry. We didn't have guns until Call of Duty created them and then we made them in real life. We discovered blood when Sub-Zero first ripped out Raiden's spinal column. Prostitutes weren't treated like pieces of meat until Claude backed over them in Liberty City. Dragons didn't rule the world until Alduin's AI self-manifested itself into a living being. And most importantly, Mario is the reason the government mandated daily mushroom usage and we pivoted from driver-less cars to Yoshis.

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Is it a witch? No! It's a pot of stew made by a regular non-magical human, because witchcraft isn't real. Energy crystals are as real as dilithium ones, your broomstick is as fast as mine, and there's a lot of black cats around. Pouring saltpeter into a bunch of circles and lines doesn't do anything, and no, nothing special happens when the planets align. Until you can summon a little imp to do your bidding and brew a potion of firebreathing, you're not a witch. Though, feel free to keep dressing like one because that's pretty hot.

All this and more on this creepy episode! Voicemails, Star Trek talk, and of course our thoughts and prayers for this weekend's victims. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 149 - Enjoy the Chaos

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, now with 100% more Spooky Scary Skeletons! It's October finally, so get your spook on, your colonizer on, your hay ride on, and most importantly, on October 17th, get your virtual desktop cleaning on. Put on your favorite Halloween song, warm up some cider and sit back as we tell you the tale of:

* Positively Platitudinal
* Settling for Windows
* Social Media Skeletons
* Ugly and Unorganized Files

Keepin' it posi. PMA: positive mental attitude. Optimism! Finding joy in the small things in life. Live, laugh, love. Dance like no one is watching! Find the beauty in the ugly days. Never settle for less than you deserve! You are not the mistakes you made! KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON! This is a PSA: If you come across someone saying any of these things out loud, has them hanging on a wooden board, or types them followed by a low-fps tumblr gif, please put on your special made ANTI-PLAT Helmet and engage the proprietary ANTI-PLAT extending boxing glove. Then, forcefully read from the included ANTI-PLAT Motto Card. Afterwards, be sure to spout the quality of the ANTI-PLAT helmet and it's related accessories.

Speaking of settling for less than you deserve, how come we don't deserve a better Operating System than the junk Microsoft gives us? Apple is over here in "No Buttons, It JUST WORKS-land" and it seems that Microsoft is slowly edging themselves toward that too. Obfuscating previous options to sub-sub-sub menus, making sure you're an ADMINISTRATOR WITH ACCESS so you plebes don't delete System32. But what about the power user? Are you TRYING to turn us into "Linux Guys"? I don't wanna be one, but you're really pushing me towards it, Mr. Gates.

Maybe the spookiest skeleton of all is the 'edgy humor' you liked at 17 and quoted verbatim on Facebook. Why? Because god forbid you get your 15 seconds of fame these days and someone digs it up like a dead dog. Or the multi-billion dollar company you're applying for comes across it and now you're stuck mopping up at KFC. But guess what? The upside is that while you mop up some 4 year old's regurgitated Famous Bowl, the 16 year-old fry-cook Eugene will tell you all the dead baby jokes you could ask for!

Possibly the nerdiest rant the Handlebreaker has ever gone on is nevertheless important! Law versus Chaos. Light versus Dark. Good versus Evil. Folders versus Desktop Dumps. Final versus Final2_NEW_QUICKFIX_HD_COMP_092819. These ancient battles have gone on for far too long! Why? The agents of chaos are hidden among the rest of us lawful folks. These people can seem good and friendly. But then you get a peek of their desktop and it looks like someone played 52 Card Pickup with them.

All this and more on this chock full o’ Todd episode. Voicemails, news, and hey what’s that a nice surprise gift package! Don’t forget to join our DISCORD and support the podcast on PATREON or by BUYING A MUG.

Episode 148 - High-Priced Nazi Memorabilia

Welcome back from vacation folks! Welcome back to city life, being underpaid and overworked, a general rudeness and much much more. But, maybe instead you can think back to your vacation. Whether you spent your time with your toes in the sand, or your boots on a mountain, or standing in line at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet on a cruise-liner, think of it as your happy place. Don't picture your boss, picture your tour guide. Don't picture the hammer you're holding, picture a nice stiff drink. Don't picture the hammer entering your boss's skull, imagine that you're offering tour tour guide a nice drink! Don't think about the cops tasing you, instead imagine that tantric massage you had on vacation. Don't think of the cold cell floor, think of that cooling pillow in your vacation bungalow and drift off to the sweet sounds of us discussing:

* Delivery By Amazon
* Drink More Water
* Rambo Reviews
* Work Updates on Vacation

It seems more and more that Amazon is becoming what we feared Google would become. Don't get me wrong, Google is still invading every facet of your digital life, but Amazon, they got that tangible, physical side in a half-nelson and they're coming for you next, brother. They're taking over you groceries at Whole Foods, trying to replace your Wal-Mart with their Amazon Go stores, replacing your bookstore with their own Amazon Books, and if two days wasn't fast enough to ship you your items, buckle up buddy, because Amazon is aiming for ONE day shipping and if those slow dullards at the Postal Service and UPS can;t get it done, by golly they'll do it themselves (by contracting some schlep and underpaying them). Just imagine, within the next five years, you'll wake up in your Amazon Bed, grab a cup of Amazon Coffee, order a breakfast pastry from Amazon Blink Instant Delivery Drones, and drive to work at Amazon in your Amazon Self-Driving Car.

One of the most annoying things I can think of is having someone tell you to do something *as* you're doing it. You could be sweating your balls off, holding a hammer and nails and your boss would still stop you, make you come to his office, look you in your eyes and ask you to put up the new fence. It's one of the few things in life I feel is justifiable with murder. "Did you hear what John did at work? Yeah, heard he smashed his boss's face in to his desk about a hundred times? Rough stuff man, he'll probably be in prison for the rest of his life. Oh, no, you didn't hear? They cleared him on all charges. What? Yeah, apparently his boss asked him to do the thing he was already in the middle of doing. Oh, man, what a hero."

Look, the new Rambo movie isn't perfect. It's not amazing. I've got some problems with it, but it's totally a serviceable revenge movie that also serves as the end of the movie series. Does it end on a great high note? Not particularly. But, it's like a western in that way, giving the hero a bittersweet ending after having accomplished his final task. But professional movie critics these days don't see movies as movies. They seem them as a backdrop to write about their own feelings. Apparently the new Rambo was "decried [for] the script, graphic violence, and what they perceived as racist and xenophobic attitudes toward Mexico". Which, the first one, I'll give you. It's not a groundbreaking script full of twists and turns, but it's not a stinker. The graphic violence? Amazing. I don't remember how many times i "OOOOH'd" as Rambo's traps impaled and exploded dudes. And as for the 'racism'? The one Mexican reviewer I found that didn't like the film, didn't think so.

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR, KNOW, SEE, SMELL, FEEL, OR TOUCH ANYTHING RELATED TO WORK (YOU KNOW THE THING I AM PAYING TO GET AWAY FROM) WHILE I AM ON VACATION.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, and lots and lots of talk about tables. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 147 - Chinese Mario Vape Juice

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Vape, the only formerly non-vaping podcast to tackle all of life's strongest strains. I'm your host Tim the Handlevaper and with me as always is my friend Dab Birt. On this week's episode we try Dab's Colorado haul! He's got everything from Carrot Cake Wake n' Bake to Bob Barker's Right Hook to Alabama Thunderkitty! So sub-ohm your rig and light up with us as we discuss:

* Giving Away Time
* China Owning Amazon
* Sudden Vape Problem
* Nintendo Fanboys

Sometimes in life we get carried away when what we need to do is stop and ask ourselves if what we're doing is worth our time. Would we pay ourselves a decent amount of money to do it? If not, why are we doing it? What we really need are clones to do the stuff we don't want to do. Either have one around to do the dumb time-wasting stuff for you, or spend all your time trolling online while your clone works 90 hour weeks at work bringing in that sweet, sweet bacon. Plus, you can always answer that age old question: is it technically masturbation?

75% or more of Amazon products these days are exactly the same thing with different "company" logos slapped on. It's all cheap, straight from the factory, Chinese stuff that has dubious build quality, but is cheap enough that you'll just keep buying replacements. For instance, headphones, I just searched for headphones and only 4 out of the first 20 items were from known name brands. All the rest were cheap Chinese brands, or worse, unbranded cheap junk. This goes for just about anything you search for that isn't a specific item. And that's where they get you. You know what brand or kind of headphones you want, but grandma gets little Johnny the first thing when she searches 'headphones'.

OH NO SIX SEVEN PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM VAPING. SOUND THE ALARMS! BAN EM! BAN EM! IT'S THESE DAMN GEN Z KIDZ WITH THEIR VAPES AND VINES AND TIK TOKS. THEY'RE KILLING THEMSELVES! Man I wish people were this mad about actual cigarettes. You know, the thing that has been killing 7 million-plus people a year and that we've known was doing so since the late fifties? It's been 60 years of increased knowledge of just how bad they are AND YET the most we've done is say "ew that stinks, please do that outside". You want to talk global atrocities with death counts in the dozens if not hundreds of millions? You wanna talk blood money? Literal blood money. Let the kids vape. What's another 7 a year?

You know who's a great mascot? Mario. Up there with Mickey Mouse as one of the most recognizable characters in the world. But, what if about half of all Disney movies had Mickey in them just because of his popularity? Doesn't sound so great, does it? Iron Man and Mickey Mouse team ups, Toy Story 5: Let’s Go To Disneyland, "Ho-ho Luke! I’m your canon father now!”, THIS SUMMER TWO LEGENDARY MOSTERS TEAM UP TO FIGHT THE GREATEST WARRIOR OF ALL TIME: AVP3. WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

All this and more on this week’s hazy episode. Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD or SUPPORT us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 146 - Dishonorable

Apple apple apple, apple apple apple? Apple apple Apple Apple Apple Apple Apple! Apple apple's apple, apple apple apple apple, apple apples, apple apples. Apple apple apples' apples? APPLE! Apple apple apple Apple apple apples. Apple Applebreaker apple's apple apples, apple apples apple apple applin'. Apple, apple apple apple appled apple apple apple apple's apple:

*Having to Turn to Reddit
*That One Song
*Making a Problem for Yourself
*Discord Culture

Tim the Handlebreaker, a former 8th dan Google-fu master was ceremoniously stripped of his belt this evening after an excruciating 36 hour battle with his latest opponent. This mysterious fighter is known to get into his opponent's heads psychologically and physically, causing major medical trauma. Disgraced and dishonored, Handlebreaker will be forced into exile for 28 years.

The song without a name. Well, it has a name but its name has been kidnapped by the Goblin King and lost in the depths of the labyrinth that is your mind. Now, you're on a journey to rescue it, but there's no fancy puppets by Jim Henson. Instead it's a bunch of other songs you know its not but for some reason your brain keeps bringing them up. Oh, and also it's not a terrible movie.

Whether it's overthinking, underthinking, or just plain stupidity, there are people out there that really like to create problems and then put them onto other people while the answer is right in front of them. Like an ovo-lacto vegetarian looking for a new term to describe themselves when 'hypocrite' is right there.

Hi diddly ho discordino! Hi diddly ho right back atcha discordino number two! You drinkning that good ol' java joe discordino number one? Sure am, discordino number two! You ban anyone for speaking their mind yet today, discordino number two? Only a couple handfuls today discordino number one! Gotta get them numbers up, discordino number two! Uh-oh, gotta install this new update! INSTALLING UPDATE AT 88 MPH! GET IT DISCORDINO NUMBER ONE?! DO YOU GET IT?!

All this and more on this week's fun-filled episode! Voicemails, news, and crazy packages! Don't forget to join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 145 - Bear Mace Windu

2019: the year of long-awaited fulfillment! TOOL, Missy Elliott, and The Raconteurs dropped new music after 10+ years, we saw the culmination of 10 years or Marvel movies and were graced with both a new Tarantino film and Alita: Battle Angel which was announced in 2003. But if there's one thing that has been most looked-forward to by millions of people around the world, it's this month's update for Steam! That's right, after a measly SIXTEEN years, the schlubs at Valve have finally decided that 2003-era UI/UX for your game library is maybe a little behind the times. So, enjoy it gamers, but be prepared to wait until 2035 to get your next one. But it's okay by then we;ll have holograms, data crystals, full-body VR pluguits, and:

* Rich People Reality TV
* Home Invasion Fantasies
* IMDB Trivia
* Bad Google Maps

He is a professional glue sniffer, and she knits hats for baby monkeys, they're looking for a new house in the Cayman Islands and have a budget of 4 Million dollars. He literally only wants a room big enough to put a pool table, and she has a list of 67 things that all contradict each other. Will they choose House A: a dirt shack, House B: a 15 million dollar magical floating mansion, or House C: an MC Escher-built monstrosity that has room for a pool table? Surprise! It's House A, they'll kick it over and build exactly what they want on that plot of land, so join them next week on House Builders International. Will Bill get his pool table room? No. He wont, but he'll have to live with it because she didn't sign a pre-nup.

ABP: always be planning. Sleeping in a new, place? Find every exit, every possible entry point, triple-check the locks, have some type of weapon in arm's reach from the bed, know what you can improvise as a weapon in each room, and realistically, this is all for naught. But you do it anyways, because we all want to be John Wick in the middle of the night when Russian thugs break into your penthouse.

Did you know Steven Spielberg directed Jurassic Park? Trivia! Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson who was in Jurassic Park directed by Steven Spielberg was also in Star Wars Episode 1, directed by George Lucas and that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg know each other? Trivia! Did you know that the writer of the 2019 Shaft reboot thought of Matthew McConaughey for the lead role for approximately .5 seconds as a joke? TRIVIA! 56 OUT OF 58 PEOPLE FOUND THIS USEFUL!

What’s a GPS system? Google has taken a whole industry and brought it down. Need to go somewhere? GOOGLE MAPS IT! So you’d think that they’d have all the technology of all previous GPS systems and of the GPS companies they’ve eaten integrated perfectly into their own. Plus they’re integrated into millions and millions of phones everywhere, so they’ve got their own web of GPS data. SO WHY THE HELL DOES IT NOT WORK WHEN YOU WANT IT TO?

All this and More on this week’s episode! Lawsuit news, hotel talk, and find out what Todd like to coat his balls in! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 144 - Lesbian Space Crime

Welcome to the First Annual HWIDG Space Crime Consortium. We've gathered top leaders in space crime knowledge from around the world and are here to start the path on space crime imprisonment and rehabilitation. First off, we've got a preliminary list of your classic space crime prisons, including: self-sufficient spaceship prison, space mining penal colony, cryogenic stasis laboratory, and the classic fend-for-yourself survival planet with killer aliens/ environmental hazards. A popular vote will be held in 30 minutes sharp, mark one selection only, and then we will move on to our first panel Ethics in Space Criminal Housing as it Pertains to Eventual First Contact, thank you and enjoy the shrimp bar.

* Companies Using Franchises as Pawns
* Having to Grin and Bear It
* Companies Ignoring Product Flaws
* Teachers

They always say divorce is hardest on the kids. How Peter Parker is handling it, we do not know, but what we do know is that Dad posted a real sweet picture of him and little Pete on Facebook that said "look what you're taking away from me" so he could maybe get some sympathy points before the custody hearing. And you know what? That's a dick move.

Getting chewed out by your boss? Gotta take it or lose your job. Being apologized to by your boss for said chewing out? Gotta stone face it, can't blow up in his face about how wrong he was, or lose your job. Unfortunately this is how we've got to go through life. Dave Chappelle showed us what happened When "Keepin' It Real" Goes Wrong, you wind up on the streets, playing someone's pipe for a hit of that sweet, sweet crystal. And believe me, it's hard to come back from that.

Revision. The page you can find it on in the dictionary has apparently been ripped out of most companies' dictionaries. A revision? You mean the next model up in price? That's what you must mean. We don't fix the 50 dollar product, we just make you buy the 200 dollar one. You found a bug on level 6 and you googled it and it's been there for 5 years? Duh, that's because we've got to put out these microtransactions for the game and port it to VR.

How many great teachers did you ever have? Good, even? Lazy? Bad? Evil? No matter where you are, you get the whole spectrum. We've all faced the wrath of the old fogey with tenure. Why do we watch movies in class every day? You're literally not teaching anything, while kids that actually want to learn and work are forced to just sit there. Why pick some random kid to pick on? Yeah, you just came from a teacher's seminar on how to stop bullying and come back and pick on kids. You sound like real nice person, there.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, crime, and much much more. Don't forget to join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 143 - First World Problems

Forget everything you know about 2019 and start looking to 2020. Why? Only because the greatest sport to ever hit the airwaves is coming back for your pleasure. That’s right, the XFL is back, and they’ve announced the first eight teams already, and we here at HWIDG are proud to bring you the official announcement of the ninth team! Joining the teams from Dallas, Houston, L.A., NY, St. Louis, Seattle, Tampa Bay, and Washington will be the Tulsa Handlebreakers! Featuring the original himself, and 10 lab-grown mutant clones, the Handlebreakers are sure to be a shoe-in for the league’s first title which includes a prize of $1,000,000, a drip to Disneyworld, and:

Seniority
Impolite Kids
How Good We Have It
People Being Emphatically Wrong

There’s two types of seniority in the world. The first is the kind you look up too. The quiet, wisely old sage that can teach you about the ways of the world. The second is the loudmouth happenstance that obscenely flaunts their seniority because they have nothing else in life to live for. It means nothing unless you have the chops to back it up, and if you did, you wouldn't be such a jackass about it.

It seems these days that parents don’t like to say no to their kids. Guess what? They're going to hear it when they grow up and freak out. If you hand them everything they want and let them do whatever, that's how they get pregnant at 14 and on MTV. Are kids gonna cry and throw a fit? They sure are. That's life. You can't replace that with an iPad. Send them to their room and let them read a book for christ's sake, get some culture into them.

Sometimes we take life here in the U.S. for granted. Other folks are out there fighting to catch up to us freedom-wise, fighting riot cops and using lasers to confuse facial recognition technology. While we sit back in our comfy AC-cooled houses having a "post-apocalyptic" novel about resistance fighters overthrowing a fascist cyborg regime read to us on an Amazon Alexa, while waiting for a stranger to pick up and deliver too much fast food for us .

Some people just don't like facts. Whether they're in politics, or just a rando on the internet, sometimes you find yourself yelling at someone for being just about as wrong as someone can be. Ignoring facts to fill an agenda, or even worse, calling the facts fake, just so they can be right makes for an awful person. And there's just something about it that can make it hard to stop arguing with them because they are so wrong.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, too much Fallout talk, and stick around til the end for another new song by BigCray. Don't forget to join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 142 - Hobbit Bread

The Return of the King. The Dark Knight Returns. Taken. Rambo. Harry Brown. JOHN FRICKIN WICK. I'M THINKING HE'S BACK. Pulled from retirement, forced into the spotlight again, he returns. One last mission. Crown and cape ready, he soars into 2019 with The Bestest Documentary in the Universe. Nominated for 53 Academy Awards and 1 Razzie, own your copy today! Also, something about a podcast:

* Other People's Kitchens
* Subscriptions
* Delivery Drivers Forgetting Your Stuff
* Limited Adoption of Ethernet Cables

Navigating other people's kitchens is like stepping into an alternate reality where MC Escher is god and up is white and black is Tuesday. The plates are in the pantry and the oven is in the freezer. Good luck finding a spoon, you've got to travel through the Jungles of Chult, the Mines of Moria, take a left at Albuquerque, and through a wardrobe.

No one owns anything anymore. We're all slaves to our debit cards and monthly statements. Previously it was houses and magazines. Now, its games, movies, clothes, anything you can download or ship, we've got a subscription for you! And we can take it back at anytime without warning you just because we say so. Watch out, in 2020 Netflix is creating SubRepo. You try to cancel your subscription, and three buff dudes come to your house, tie you to a chair and beat you back into subscribing. Also, they cancel your favorite show, like the Yakuza cutting off a pinky.

Delivery drivers get paid like shit, believe me I know. But, somewhere in the chain of me ordering a pizza, breadsticks and a drink, and the driver arriving with 2/3 things, something went wrong. Is the answer robots? Do we turn to delivery drones? Can I shoot the drone if it picks a pepperoni off of my pizza? Can it shoot me if I don't tip? I don't have the answers, I just ask the questions.

Ethernet Cables are the uber cable. Able to carry data like an all-star running back, both in speed and length, you'd think we would apply it everywhere. Instead, its relegated to a subset of power users. It's easy to make by yourself! If we adopted it everywhere, you could make the perfect cable length! No more buying a 50 foot cable when you need 40 feet! It's so easy you just measure,then-what? People don't want cables? At all? Oh yeah.

All this and more on this week's episode! Behind the scenes talk, surprises for Tim, voicemails, and much much more! Dont forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 141 - Freaky Cats

From the minds that brought you HWIDG, comes a brand new podcast, its Todd Explains the 80s! Remember the 80's? Tab and Tim don't, so Todd sits down with them every week to explain The Cold War, Reaganomics, John Hughes, Family Ties, Madonna, Duran Duran, and more! So, put on your best shoulder-padded suit, use half a can of hairspray on your hair, an pump some jams on your Sony Walkman and get ready to warp back to the 80's! A magical place where you don't have to deal with:

* Cats: The Musical
* Manufactured Hype
* Streaming Categories
* Another Walking Dead Spinoff

People like cats, the animal, so why wouldn't they like Cats: The Musical? Well, they do, and that's where they're wrong. No substance, stolen music, freaky makeup, and much more. But of course, as any popular musicals go, let's put it on the big screen! Practical sets! Wonderful cat suit costumes! Award-winning makeup! Now COVER IT ALL WITH CGI! And the internet goes wild! I wonder if they'll Sonic it up and touch it up due to the response or if they'll completely ignore it and let these creepy cats be Oscar bait.

You know what's a bad business move? Straight up lying to the world to generate views for your online streaming event. Getting on the bad side of a 2 major companies, one of which is a huge part of your event in the first place, and lying to the hundreds of thousands of people watching SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA. 

Welcome to the Streaming Age, where what's new is popular, what's popular is new, what's new is recommended to you, and what's recommended to you is new, popular, trending, and what you've watched before but not what you're watching now! Plus, we have categories like: Award-winning (means nothing) binge-worthy (means nothing) dramedies, British Industrial Sci-Fi from the 1970's, Black-and-White Gambling Biopics, and Overtly Racist Children's Programming Transferred From VHS to Film! And don't forget those instant-play previews! We have ALL THE STUFF. So much stuff that you literally can't decide, so you watch The Office again!

Zombies? Who'd a thunk they'd stay around this long? Certainly not AMC, because the story on The Walking Dead has been sporadic at best, and plucked from a hat otherwise. Now on its 10th season, they're losing main cast faster than an actual zombie outbreak, and there's still 25% left of the comics to go through (3-4 seasons in TV talk)! Plus the spinoff show does well enough (somehow) that it's in it's 6th season despite only one of the 6 or so main characters it started with being alive. And now we're getting another spinoff? Well, jeez if the zombie genre wasn't dead, I think AMC and The Walking Dead killed it. (All this being said Tim still recommends the comics)

Plus more on this week's furry-filled episode! Voicemails, rockin' news, patriotic soda and more salsa than you're expecting! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 140 - Ya Nasty

Welcome back to HWIDG Presents: Wacky Facts! Did you know everything The Beatles wrote took just 8 years? Or that Michelangelo spent 4 years painting the Sistine Chapel and 3 years sculpting the seventeen foot tall David? Did you know that Alexander the Great's massive empire expansion took 10 years? And did you know that from conception to opening, Disney World took 6 years to make? Or that the discovery and implementation of nuclear power was just 10 years? And what about the musical artist Buckethead, who has released 229 albums in 13 years? Or that it took 12 years and 5 months for Voyager 1 to launch and travel to THE EDGE OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM AND SEND ITS FINAL PICTURE FROM SIX BILLION KILOMETERS AWAY ON A POWER SUPPLY SMALLER THAN THE ONE IN THE COMPUTER I'M USING TO TYPE THIS? ISN'T THAT AMAZING? YEAH, IT IS! SO I'VE GOT JUST ONE MORE QUESTION? WHAT THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN DOING FOR THIRTEEN YEARS MAYNARD? TOOL IS GREAT, IT'S NOT VOYAGER 1 GREAT! DANNY? HOW MANY TIME CHANGES ARE YOU GOING TO DRUM THROUGH ON THIS ALBUM. IT HAD BETTER BE THE MOST IN MUSIC HISTORY TO HAVE TAKEN SO LONG! Anyways, catch us again next week for more Wacky Facts about:

* Rude People
* Coddling
* Foot Fetishists
* Use It or Lose It

Rudeness. It's a virus. Whether passed down from parents or contracted from secondhand rudeness, it blocks certain synapses in the brain that are responsible for appropriate social politeness. Like wearing headphones (that don't leak) while listening to music in cramped spaces like a bus. Or, not playing on your phone at full brightness at a movie theater during a movie, or not leaving your rented electric scooter in the middle of the road or sidewalk, you know, just basic social niceties the rest of the world follows because the world doesn't revolve around you.

"Why do we fall, sir?" "So our parents can pick us up, treat our wounds, then sue the city for improper street management, all the while we get to play Angry Birds on the iPad and watch Elsa versus Spider-Man videos on YouTube!" - Christopher Nolan's The Dark Knight (2024). Kids make mistakes. Their brains are literally not all there yet. They don't have experience. You touch a hot stove, you learn not to touch it again. This is how we learn. We observe, attempt, and evaluate. The parent's job is to make sure they don't die, and then to facilitate that learning, not to do it for them. Kids are literally on leashes these days. LITERALLY. Leashes when they go out, iPad MOVING COLORS at home. KEEP EM QUIET, KEEP EM BUSY.

People are into weird stuff, man. Are there things out there worse than feet? Of course there are. We've all seen glimpses of them on those "edgy" sites, but feet might be the most baffling. At least you've got mainstream support. Tarantino's a household name, and he prominently features feet quite often. Then the BIGGEST THING IN THE WORLD, the MCU hires Joss Whedon aboard, and now he's got his foot fetish fantasies inserted into TWO OF THE TOP TEN MOVIES OF ALL TIME. THROUGH DISNEY. HE GOT YOU WEIRDOS PRIME 'FOOT'AGE PAST DISNEY. DISNEY! It's mainstream now, baby. Next, watch for Avengers 5, where Spider-Man and Black Panther openly talk about how much they love eating ass.

LIMITED TIME EVENT. ONE WEEK ONLY. HURRY, TIME'S ALMOST UP! Hey, guess what jackholes? We're adults with things to do and jobs to work and lives to live. How bout I do the thing when I want to at a reasonable time for both of us. You want the money. I want to give money to you. Let me do that. Just take my money. It's not hard to do. If it is? I'm probably willing to pay a bit more if you tell me how hard it is. THAT'S MORE MONEY. THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, and Todd probably brings something up right as we're signing off! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 139 - The Walk of Life

Welcome back to C-SPAN 5’s coverage of Tim the Handlebreaker’s Testimony about his Handle Report. We join Senior Member of HWIDG Tab Birt right….now. Mr. Handlebreaker, I appreciate your giving us your time to help us clarify some of the language in your most recent report. Now, you claim that in this most recent event that you and I quote ‘Were of sound mind and body’ end quote, when this most recent event occurred. But, sir, I have to ask, do you think that anybody of sound body or state of mind could remove their own closet door handle? Sir? Sir, you seem to be perspiring an awful lot, we have cold water available and a towel right there. Sir! Sir, DO NOT RUN! Okay, well, it seem’s like he has fled the building, go ahead and call in the next case:

* No Callbacks
* iPad Checkout Kiosks
* Star Trek: Picard
* A Lack of Trash Cans

Look, everyone hates calls. Getting calls, making calls, checking your voicemail for calls, because in this day and age, we’re cool with a text. Aunt Becky kicked the bucket? Get creative with emojis. I’m fired? Send me a GIF from The Apprentice! My car/cat/expensive piece of electronics are ready to be picked up? “Yo, u good fam, come get it” is perfectly fine. But if you specifically told me you would give me a call tomorrow at noon or whenever. I’m gonna be stuck staring at my phone until you do. So suck it up and call.

What’s the sound of money? Is it coins in a jar? No, that’s not enough. Is it paper currency rubbing against one another? No, that’s too quiet. What is the universal sound of money? CHA-CHING. You know what else it isn’t? The barely audible sound of a finger poking at an iPad. Seriously, unless you are literally on the street selling something, get an point of sale system and not just an iPad on a stand and a card reader. We know why you want it. You want to play Angry Birds when you’re not doling out upscale vegan hot dogs to people. Well guess what, too bad. You should be handling rusty coins and coke-tinged cards like the rest of the world.

Hey guess what, CBS, Alex Kurtzman, Patrick Stewart, Michael Chabon, Akiva Goldsman, James Duff, Heather Kadin, Rod Roddenberry, Trevor Roth, and whoever else is involved with Star Trek: Picard. You blew it. Already. Show’s not out til next year, but you did. Not everything has to be the end of the world, it gets tiring. Oh great a messiah superpower lady has the key to either unleash the Borg on a scale heretofore unknown or she can stop them. Once and for all with Jean-Luc’s help. There’s kung fu and lasers and ship battles and a new rag-tag ship full of misfits and a Roman samurai for some reason! STOP. (Tim here) I’m not even a huge Star Trek fan, but in 5 minutes I can come up with a more interesting, less severe but still dramatic show that lets you incorporate Picard, the rest of his crew, old Star Trek, new Star Trek, and inform the next generation (see what I did there) of Starfleet. You know how I know I can do it? Because I did. It took us 5 minutes after we finished recording this episode.

More trash cans. Everywhere. Trash drones? Sure! Plain-ass trash cans? Yup! Innovative new trash chat solutions? Of course! As long as we have more trash cans. Trash cans are not inherently bad. The hide the bad things! Overflowing trash cans? Not a problem in this trash can-filled universe I’m imagining. Would it take more sanitation workers? Sure would. I’m adding hard working American jobs to the industry then. What’s the downside? Seriously? Smell? We’ve got trash bags that block odors these days. No excuses to not use those or to find a way to line bare cans with that technology. No one *wants* to litter (usually), but they’re forced to. MORE TRASH CANS, HANDLEBREAKER 2020.

All this and more on this week’s exciting episode! Voicemails! Beef! Satanic news! Tim’s voice sounding like he smoked 100 pipes (or poles)! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 138 - My Bodypillow Will Protect Me (ft. Ethan Dudenhoeffer)

Welcome to the Here's What I Don't Get Area 51 Betting Special! In just two months, millions of Americans will do their civic duty in disclosing information and objects found at Area 51. We here at HWIDG understand that many do not have the opportunity or time to attend this specific gathering, so we are offering you our state-of-the-art betting services where you can bet on just what exactly is or isn't found on the base. We've got our most popular bets: the Roswell category including bets on odds of finding ship parts, the whole ship, and extraterrestrial lifeforms themselves! Then we have our 'research archives' bet where you can bet on chem-trails, Bigfoot, advanced AI systems, and making anime girls real. Or, if you're a big spender you can bet it all on black! That's right, we've got a special HIGH-ROLLER ONLY, VIP, DEAD CELEBRITY ISLAND BETTING POOL. Elvis, Tupac, MJ, Hitler, Jimmy Hoffa and more are available to be bet on and in multiple states. Cuba celebrity hideout? Alien abduction? Good old fashioned CIA Faked death? Featuring odds as low as 1:1,678,930 you stand to make so much money, you'll be shipped off to Cuba yourself! So join us, as we take your calls and cash and bet on what we find at Area 51! Personally, my own bet is on:

*  Not Adapting the Source Material
*  Back to School
*  Thin Towels and Socks
*  Recycling 

Look, seeing your beloved fantasy novel or science fiction series come to life before your eyes can be a magical thing. Will you be 100% satisfied? Absolutely not, but if it's done well it can be another way to relive the first time you stepped into that world. That is, if they even decide to get there in the first place. See, in this day and age of adaptation, the figureheads that make these deals are convinced that people need to see something they've never seen before? Doing Lord of the Rings again? Well, shove the crap that Peter Jackson didn't use right back in there. Turn Star Trek into an action movie series? Sure! I bet when it comes the time for Amazon/Warner/Hulu/Disney/Netflix to do Harry Potter, we'll get The Wizarding World of Harry Potter: How James and Lily Met, or The Wizarding World of Harry Potter: Young Dumbledore Smokes Jazz Cigarettes and Canoodles with Sailors.

IT'S JULY, BUT I GUESS AS SOON AS THOSE FIREWORKS ARE OFF THE SHELVES IT'S TIME TO GO BACK KIDS. SCHOOL IS WAITING TO TURN YOU INTO A DRONE. They really can't wait. These 10c Paw Patrol folders won't sell themselves. Except guess what, THEY WILL. Elementary school kids are the only ones still excited about school supplies, but even then, you're stealing their summer. Reminding them of school doesn't make them "make the most" out of their time, it just reminds them of the impending doom. It's like your mortality. Most of the time it's in the back of your head, forgotten. But then something reminds you of it and you realize "Damn, I'm already past the 1/3rd mark, and that's under the best circumstances, well better get this will drawn up now". 

Day ruining. That's how bad the surprise of a thin towel is. A towel should be a luxurious end to a shower. Fluffy, warming, and smooth-to-the-touch, even the manliest lumberjack of a man will tell you how good a proper towel is after a shower. Same with socks. No one wants a paper-thin sock, because why even bother at that point. You want the sock to cradle your foot gently, while wicking away moisture in the heat and keeping your toes warm in the winter. A thin sock is like a condom with holes in it. It fails at what the rest of its kind's one function, and otherwise serves no purpose except to that one pervert that it's made for.

There's something called analysis paralysis, it's when "overanalyzing or overthinking a situation can cause forward motion or decision-making to become "paralyzed," meaning that no solution or course of action is decided upon. A situation may be deemed as too complicated and a decision is never made, due to the fear that a potentially larger problem may arise". When you put out recycling bins for: non-recyclable (except food waste), compost, paper, glass, aluminum, cardboard, plastic (bottles only), other plastic, liquids, electronics, batteries, printer ink cartridges, grill refuse and hot ashes, spoiled food, chicken wings with only one bite taken, burned books, and failed election signage IT'S TOO MUCH. I DON'T KNOW WHAT GOES WHERE SO SCREW IT IT'S ALL TRASH.

All this and more on this week's aerodynamic episode! Voicemails, an in-studio guest, and a taste-test! Don't forget to help us plan our Area 51 attack on DISCORD, and support our pre-attack ninja training by supporting us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT. 

Episode 137 - HOGS (ft. kotojack)

Welcome to 80's: The Show on Netflix! Remember Stephen King? Remember The Goonies and Ghostbusters? Remember Dungeons and Dragons? Remember Synthesizers? Remember skateboarding? Remember smoking cigarettes? Remember Motley Crue and Michael Jackson? Remember going to the mall? Remember Russians? Well we've conviniently stuffed them all and more into one TV show ready for you to binge. And if you dont think this is the coolest thing since sliced bread, well you can go to hell. Straight to hell, where they have:

* Spare Tires
* Micro USB
* GPU Naming Schemes

Spare tires, life savers when you get run off the road by someone on heir phone. That is, as long as your spare isn't also flat. Or maybe it's hidden by some strange contraption under your car instead of just in the trunk. And maybe it's a compact spare made of papier-mache and held together by pure will.

Once you go Type C, you never go back to mini USB. Seriously, I want to buy the new version of everything just so I don't have to deal with the classic USB insert attempt-> flip-> insert attempt ->flip again-> it works. No bent tips, no slow charging, no fat connectors blocking the your phone case. I could go on, but frankly I just want to leave it behind.

What could be more confusing than Rambo 3 which is a sequel to Rambo 1 which is a sequel to First Blood? Why its graphics card names! Every 5 years or so they come up with a new naming scheme and stick to it. Then, for no reason they decide to screw it all up and go from 500 to X2W or something stupid. Or they skip a bunch of numbers. Attention NVIDIA, numbers don't go 5,6,7,9,10,116,20.

All that and more on this week's episode. Dont forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT. 

Episode 136 - Ya Dun Goofed

Introducing the HWIDG Quadruple Bypass 5XL Bacon Cheeseburger. No sissy vegetables, just 5 layers of juicy 100% all-beef patties, Wisconsin cheddar cheese, and Applewood-smoked thick-cut peppered bacon. Served with our 128 oz. Freedom Mug with your choice of soft drink float. Don't forget the cement mixer full of loaded fries! Our delicious thin and crispy fries are tossed with Monterey Jack cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, and our 5 alarm habenero chili Con carne! And for only 99c more we'll throw in our medical-grade IV full of pan drippings! Then get ready for dessert with our actual kitchen sink full of Rocky Road, Peanut Butter Cup, Cookies and Cream, and Caramel Delight ice creams! Topped with a gallon of Nutella, 5 different kinds of icing and crushed praline brittle! Order now and you'll receive a free box with:

Erasing the Evidence of Your Tomfoolery
Boomers Not Knowing How Computers Work
HBO
James Cameron's Avatar
Shyster Hospital Billing

Like a cat burglar in the night, the "extremely-specific-subset-of-twitter-celebrity" uses the finest of diamond-tipped cutting tools to carefully extract and retrieve the local museum's latest installation: their own embarrassing tweet. Except unlike the smart, experienced cat burglar, this one is caught on tape, face fully exposed, and the display has already been shown to the public. Whoops.

The hacker known as 4chan struck again today, targeting local grandmother Eileen Rosenberg. Eileen was just getting ready to check Facebook, something most of us do without a second thought, when suddenly she was locked out of her account. She says the infamous hacker got access to her account and changed her password without her knowing. What's even worse is that Eileen had just gone through a different kind of hack last month, one which left her screen black despite turning her computer on and off again many times. Authorities say to remember to never give your information out online, unless he's a very nice young man.

Ah, Home Box Office, the premiere "edgy" TV network. Many a kid of the 90s turned to it to maybe get a fuzzy picture of boobs when their parents were gone by messing with the cable box. Or maybe your friend's parents had it and you got to catch some softcore lovin' way past midnight. Either way they used to be where you turn to if you wanted maturity in your programming. F-bombs a plenty, full-frontal nudity galore, and heads exploding if you were lucky. But these days it just seems like another channel. As programming in general got edgier, it seems HBO is relinquishing that title and is happy to just be one of the guys. Oh but pay them 15 bucks a month still.

 Empires have risen and fallen. Presidents have come and gone and come again. Batmen have been beaten, finished, Affleck'd, Sadfleck'd, and Twilighted. Spider-Men have gone from campy to way-too-cool to "I don't feel so good Mr. Stark". Preschoolers that witnessed it are now married with a kid on the way. No, it's not Haley's Comet, it's James Cameron's Avatar and it's planned 2, no, 3, no, 4 sequels. Will they ever happen? Probably. But will anyone care? Will they have filmed 4 movies at once, put out the first of the sequels and see it bomb? More than likely. And the most tragic thing about it? He'll just move on to the next biggest thing in the world.

Guess what? Hospitals in the US? Screwed up. Big insurance companies shaft them and they pass the screwing onto the customer. Even 3 months after you were there. What's the solution? Fast food. Specifically that big fast food menu with all the items and prices on it. No being jerked around and paying 500 dollars for 2 over-the-counter ibuprofen capsules. X-Ray? $25 per. Leg amputation? 300 dollars please. McChicken? Somehow still $1.

All this and more on this week's beefy boi of an episode. How many voicemails did Deadhelm send? More or less than 10? The answer just may surprise you. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT. 

Episode 135 - This Is Mark

It’s official, Summer’s here. Time for mosquitoes, beaches, sweat, sweat, and more sweat. It’s all of your least favorite things in one convent package! But! IF you order now, we’ll thrown in the Best Of Summer Pack, which includes: grilling, ice cream, summer blockbusters, and an ice-cold soda. So get your board shorts on, catch some gnarly tubes, and eat some strips and cheese. What’s strips and cheese you ask? Oh boy get ready for a doozy. Strips and cheese is a “world famous” snack from the beaches of California that consists of COLD TORTILLA CHIP STRIPS TOPPED WITH COLD UN-MELTED SHREDDED CHEESE WITH A SIDE OF THE WORLD’S LAMEST SALSA FOR DIPPING. AND PEOPLE LIKE IT. AND PAY MONEY FOR IT. Jesus people are dumb, anyways:

* Las Vegas
* Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge
* Celebrity Restaurants
* Stopping Just Before the Finish Line

A harsh, hot desert land, riddled with crime, gangs, and dens of thieves. One young, innocent farmboy fights his way through to get to his destination. Tab had a hell of a time in Las Vegas this weekend and tells us all about it. What is a millenial to do in Las Vegas other than gamble? Well let's just say it rhymes with "shooting a bunch of awesome guns".

A harsh, hot desert land, riddled with crime, gangs, and dens of thieves. One young, innocent farmboy fights his way through to get to his destination. That destination? The bathroom at Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge, because the 35 dollar "Rancor Leg" gave him the runs. Unfortunately, that was the most exciting thing he experienced there. Everything else was the experience of buying more Star Wars merch.

Hello and welcome to the official Here's What I Don't Get Gastropub! Have a seat! What can I get you to drink? I'm sorry we only have giant water bottles and watered down root beer, we're authentic that way. Waters all around okay, can I start you off with any appetizers? We've got a bowl of candy, stale licorice sticks, Todd's weird mystery jerky, no? Okay, well our special today is our McRage Burger. It's a hamburger from McDonalds with either Tab, Tim, or Todd's signature right on the wrapper! It's $17.50 and comes with 5 french fries and a sweet and salty tomato sauce for dipping.

To be honest If I had millions of dollars and was running a very successful Movie/TV streaming service I’d probably had forgotten about the “small stuff” too. To be honest I’m not sure the backlash from any of this anime robot stuff would even reach me. That’s how far away I am from this stuff. So, how am I going to learn anything. I just look at data points and say MORE or CANCEL. I’ve been standing in front of this finish line for years now, and I’m now walking backwards yelling into my bluetooth earpiece like a giant douche.

And more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, depressing news, and way way too much anime talk. Stick around til the end to make sure you hear Tab’s newest telemarketer harassment marathon. And if you don't believe me about 'Strips and Cheese' watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPWePs2M_vU Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A HAT (with new discount code FREDRUSH)! Only until July 4th!

Episode 134 - You Can't Fist A Zombie

Some days you just don't feel like you. Back in your 20's you had all the energy in the world! But these days it gets tougher and tougher every day to really let your spouse know how you feel. If your life is missing that special feeling, then it's time to talk to your doctor about Hwidgra. Hwigdra is the world's only FDA-approved rage enhancer. It's like the little blue pill for the voice in the back of your head that wants to let your boss know how much of a screw-up he is, or to give that scam telemarketer a piece of your mind. Now Hwidgra is available in a convient weekly vapor treatment! Enjoy such flavors as: bacon cheeseburger, apple pie, red bull and vodka, and:

* Ticket Fees
* Abortion
* Small Item Insurance
* Homelessness

Nickels and dimes. They add up. They look small, but someone tacks enough of them on and BAM you're paying double the original price in fees. How do you solve this? Just be upfront. Just show me the price in going to have to pay. Overestimate even! Wouldn't that be a nice surprise. Getting a lower price because you just want a QR code emailed instead of picking up a physical ticket.

Oh boy. Uncle Bill got drunk again and brought up abortion. Oh great now Cousin Hank is arguing with him. Commie bastard. Racist redneck. Sound familiar? Yeaahhhhh, maybe just skip to the news section.

Thing that need insurance: people(for car accidents and such), cars (for when you hit a person), and pricey mail shipments (can't trust package handlers). I don't need insurance on my groceries, or a pizza I just bought. They're mostly scams to make a a couple extra bucks. Believe me, I've sold plenty of "protection plans" on cheap RC cars and drones that are guaranteed to break within a week, and then you don't get a refund because of 'user error'.

You might just get deja Vu from Tab's thoughts on homelessness this week. See if this sounds familiar. He wants to round up a bunch of similar people he sees as 'below human' against their will, take them to an isolated location where only their kind is allowed, and let them slowly kill each other over scraps of food. Yikes.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, and paramilitary health insurance premiums! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 133 - Fudgesicles and Baguettes

This week on Unsolved Mysteries…a podcast, known as HWIDG, is under attack by forces from the other side. Or is it something even more sinister? The hosts were recording on a Monday night, as they usually do. When all of a sudden, the inner-most studio door shakes violently. Its inner handle now dangles precariously loose. What sort of demon could be haunting this place? And is it the studio that is haunted, or is it one of the hosts? It’s that. His name is Tim the Handlebreaker. Why is this an Unsolved Mystery? Anyways, join us next week when we investigate:

* Colleague Competitions
* Pre/Post Shows
* Gluten Intolerance
* Commitment

Round 1…FIGHT! No thanks, Dave. I’m just gonna go ahead and actually work. Why? Because I have an actual job. You just sit at your desk and read emails and check Facebook all day. I’ve got stuff to do. If the boss wants us to ‘compete’ how about you try doing something useful, like what I do. And I’ll get a day of fitting down and doing nothing because I’ll finish your day’s work in about 15 minutes.

Hello and welcome to the HWIDG Pre/Post Show Issue Pre-Show! We’re here to predict what’s gonna happen on this issue today. Brought to you by Budweiser. Well I for one, looking back at this season think this issue’s got the gusto to go all the way! Well, that’s all the time we have folks! No on to the issue! “I don’t like pre/post shows.” Welcome back folks to the HWIDG Pre/Post Show Issue Post-Show! Man! What an issue tonight! I haven’t seen an issue like that since ’83! People will be talking about this for years to come! And that’s all the time we have, we’ll see you next week!

What *is* gluten? Do people actually know? It’s got something to do with flour I think? All we really know is that there’s been a deluge of gluten-free products and offerings the past 15 or so years. Did someone detonate a Celiac disease bomb in the upper atmosphere, spreading its fallout around the world? No. Jerks adopted the gluten-free diet of an actual disease and turned it into one of the hottest fad diets around. And then there’s the people that claim to have a “gluten sensitivity” which is code for I DON’T KNOW WHY MY STOMACH HURTS WHEN I EAT AN ENTIRE LARGE PIZZA AND BREADSTICKS. (Sidenote: don’t check the wikipedia page for Mock Duck unless you wanna be sick)

Buyer’s remorse kicks in hard sometimes. “Did I really need this? Isn’t this just going to sit in a closet for months?” Yes damn it, you’re an adult that’s what happens. I think because as a kid you have to make best of what you have, you learn to use it to its utmost capacity. So that’s why I feel bad for buying something and not committing myself to it. It was drilled in two me in my younger years, the moment you stop using something it’s going to some other kid somewhere else and you don’t get a replacement. Thanks Mom and Dad, now I have a fear of commitment.

All this and more in this week’s episode! Voicemails, news, and a fully packed live audience! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, and to support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

And check out this incorrect thumbnail that we’ve since updated.

Episode 132 - Dame Julie Andrews the Machine Gun

Welcome to HWIDG's Believe It Or Not! Tonight we tackle the mysterious case of “bag-fling". This forbidden martial art has popped up many times throughout history, and each time, the legends around it... have only gotten deadlier. The earliest record of bag-fling was actually known by a different name, “Osshet” which we believe was the name of its founder, and ancient Mayan warrior. Legend has it that this defensive but deadly fighting style was discovered by him…on accident. One day while carrying a makeshift parcel full of citrus fruit, he heard the all-too-well-known sound of a fearsome jungle Tiger behind him. Whipping around quickly, he let go of one handle and in an instant, those fruit went flying toward the animal, knocking it hard enough to make it flee. And thus was born a legend. Next time, join us as we discover the mysteries behind:

* Disney Live Action Remakes
* "Call Me If You Need Anything"
* New Mac Pro
* Amateur Hour

Oh Disney. You have to be everyone’s childhood, don’t you. From Steamboat Willie and Snow White, to Frozen and Tangled and everything in between. But, there was a time from the very late 80s through 2000, let’s call it, the 90s shall we, where you had your renaissance. Hit after hit after box-office smashing hit. Modern classics. And now, lots of those kids are getting into the baby-making era of their lives. Making little babies that are prime real estate for you to drip feed your wonder and magic right into their little throats. Remake the hell out of your classics and guess what, in another 20 years do it again to those kids’ kids. It’ll be an endless cycle of “Your Disney Favorites*!” (*Brought to you by National Geographic)

Look, I know I’m your boss and all, but I’m cool. I let you call me by my first name, cause we’re buds! I’m taking the day off though, so, call me if you need anything. Anything at all! Well boss, the place is on fire, there’s looters and Jane from HR and Mike the janitor are going at it like a pair of hippos in the middle of the lobby. “Yeah, I’ll check it out tomorrow, alright bud? Don’t call me again.” Look, in this day and age with emails you can ignore for days and texts you can ignore for hours, a call is special. It means I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW DAMN IT.

Macintosh. Where did you go? Oh how the mighty have fallen. From those colorful see through Skittles you called iMacs to the current cheese grater on wheels. What are you doing? The Mac Pro’s have always been expensive, sure but they were always cutting edge industry-standards. Then came the trash can Mac, and you single handedly gave Adobe the leg up in professional editing. Now you come back to take the throne, but instead you piss on the professionals’ face and tell them to pony up twice as much? The balls on you, man.

Amateur does not mean bad, lets get that out of the way first. Unpolished gems are still gems. They just need more TLC, and money to be frank. But, there comes a time when mistake after mistake after mistake piles up and you can only call it one (HR-friendly) thing. Amateur hour. What is amateur hour? It’s a shiftiest of epic proportions. A mountain of dumbassery. A flood of fuck-ups. It’s just embarrassing. The kind of thing you don’t want to be seen within 500 feet of. You wouldn’t touch it with someone else’s 10 foot pole. You just want it to go away.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, voicemails, and more voicemails. Oh, also one of us completely forgets how the show works, so look forward to that! Catch us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT!