Episode 139 - The Walk of Life


Welcome back to C-SPAN 5’s coverage of Tim the Handlebreaker’s Testimony about his Handle Report. We join Senior Member of HWIDG Tab Birt right….now. Mr. Handlebreaker, I appreciate your giving us your time to help us clarify some of the language in your most recent report. Now, you claim that in this most recent event that you and I quote ‘Were of sound mind and body’ end quote, when this most recent event occurred. But, sir, I have to ask, do you think that anybody of sound body or state of mind could remove their own closet door handle? Sir? Sir, you seem to be perspiring an awful lot, we have cold water available and a towel right there. Sir! Sir, DO NOT RUN! Okay, well, it seem’s like he has fled the building, go ahead and call in the next case:

* No Callbacks
* iPad Checkout Kiosks
* Star Trek: Picard
* A Lack of Trash Cans

Look, everyone hates calls. Getting calls, making calls, checking your voicemail for calls, because in this day and age, we’re cool with a text. Aunt Becky kicked the bucket? Get creative with emojis. I’m fired? Send me a GIF from The Apprentice! My car/cat/expensive piece of electronics are ready to be picked up? “Yo, u good fam, come get it” is perfectly fine. But if you specifically told me you would give me a call tomorrow at noon or whenever. I’m gonna be stuck staring at my phone until you do. So suck it up and call.

What’s the sound of money? Is it coins in a jar? No, that’s not enough. Is it paper currency rubbing against one another? No, that’s too quiet. What is the universal sound of money? CHA-CHING. You know what else it isn’t? The barely audible sound of a finger poking at an iPad. Seriously, unless you are literally on the street selling something, get an point of sale system and not just an iPad on a stand and a card reader. We know why you want it. You want to play Angry Birds when you’re not doling out upscale vegan hot dogs to people. Well guess what, too bad. You should be handling rusty coins and coke-tinged cards like the rest of the world.

Hey guess what, CBS, Alex Kurtzman, Patrick Stewart, Michael Chabon, Akiva Goldsman, James Duff, Heather Kadin, Rod Roddenberry, Trevor Roth, and whoever else is involved with Star Trek: Picard. You blew it. Already. Show’s not out til next year, but you did. Not everything has to be the end of the world, it gets tiring. Oh great a messiah superpower lady has the key to either unleash the Borg on a scale heretofore unknown or she can stop them. Once and for all with Jean-Luc’s help. There’s kung fu and lasers and ship battles and a new rag-tag ship full of misfits and a Roman samurai for some reason! STOP. (Tim here) I’m not even a huge Star Trek fan, but in 5 minutes I can come up with a more interesting, less severe but still dramatic show that lets you incorporate Picard, the rest of his crew, old Star Trek, new Star Trek, and inform the next generation (see what I did there) of Starfleet. You know how I know I can do it? Because I did. It took us 5 minutes after we finished recording this episode.

More trash cans. Everywhere. Trash drones? Sure! Plain-ass trash cans? Yup! Innovative new trash chat solutions? Of course! As long as we have more trash cans. Trash cans are not inherently bad. The hide the bad things! Overflowing trash cans? Not a problem in this trash can-filled universe I’m imagining. Would it take more sanitation workers? Sure would. I’m adding hard working American jobs to the industry then. What’s the downside? Seriously? Smell? We’ve got trash bags that block odors these days. No excuses to not use those or to find a way to line bare cans with that technology. No one *wants* to litter (usually), but they’re forced to. MORE TRASH CANS, HANDLEBREAKER 2020.

All this and more on this week’s exciting episode! Voicemails! Beef! Satanic news! Tim’s voice sounding like he smoked 100 pipes (or poles)! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.