Bonus Episode 37 - Apartment Pop!

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Available now for all $5 Patrons, and Supporters on New Project 2!

Now that the prayer is over, it's time to go around the table and tell everyone what you're thankful for this thanksgiving, if you're having a hard time thinking of something because some fucking moron rear-ended your beautiful Honda Accord that you've literally driven all across the country, you companion through dozens of audiobooks, a mule that has carried almost all of your personal possessions across the state or across the country... Oh is this just me I'm describing? Anyway if your looking for a cheat sheet try breaking out these bad boys this thanksgiving and let your family know you'd rather be eating a pan full of stuffing while playing Destiny 2 rather than have the same political argument for the 14th year running.

Widescreen Format
Documentaries
A Well Packed Bag
Poppin Off

Movies are filmed as a rectangle, yet for years we had to watch home media as a Square? Why is my movie a rectangle if the screen is a square? Well no longer, now we live in the age of wide screen. Big rectangle TVs and movies to match. No longer do you have to miss the jokes of Ghostbusters, or the amazing vistas of your favorite westerns. Unless your show is 20 years old and was filmed as a square, then you just get fucked.

Want a weirdly specific insight into a specific moment in time? There's a documentary for that. From the Perfect Bid, to Conspiracies about 9/11 you an find a documentary to investigate into any piece of counter culture you find fascinating. Plus you then get to say to your friends that you watch documentaries and not reality TV, even though they're basically the same thing.

Packing a bag is hard, and that's why a well packed bag is it's own reward. Too much stuff and you're hauling dead weight, too little and you're unprepared for that Self Sealing Stem Bolt issue. A well packed bag has something for every eventuality, but nothing too specific to be non usable. Also let's face it, it's probably packed by a man.

Victory is a great reward, but the even greater reward is poppin off. When you so completely crush an enemy that your greatness cannot be questioned. A defeat that is so demoralizing that they are forced to run and hide. Conan described it as what's best in life.

Well that's it for this month, stay tuned for our ranking of the best and worst foods of Thanksgiving, and be sure to Vote for December's Movie Commentary!

Tab and Tim Watch - Die Hard: With a Vengeance

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Available now for all $10 Patrons!
And on New Project 2 for all $10 Supporters!

7 years ago John McClane threw a man off a building and never thought of it again, someone thought about it though and his name, was Simon Gruber. Now Gruber is back and he's out for revenge against his brother's killer, and a billion dollar payday care of the Federal Reserve. McClane's only hope is a racist electrician HeyZeus Carver, will the two of them put aside their racial differences and stop this madman, or will Simon get away? Only one way to find out in this month's movie commentary.

Simon Says grab you beretta and some Popcorn because it's time to Die Hard.

Plus don't forget to vote in Round One of December's Battle Royale! 

Before and After - Terminator: Dark Fate

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Available now for all $2 Patrons!
And on New Project 2 for all $2 Supporters!

Welcome to our new movie review show, where instead of just telling you what we think. We discuss what we think it will be before we go see it. Reflect on the franchise as a whole and then tell you what the movie was actually like once we get back.

Our inaugural episode is Terminator: Dark Fate, the first direct sequel to T2 since Terminator: Genisys, and before that Terminator: Rise of the Machines. Dark Fate brings back Linda Hamilton as Sarah Connor and two people you don't care about as they protect some girl from a newer more advanced Terminator, in basically the same rehashed plot as 1, but with less interesting characters and more CGI robots fights and explosions.

Where will this Terminator Rank on the list of films? Listen to find out.

Rating:
Tab - Not Recommended
Tim - Not Recommended

Minisode 22 - Pacific Cooler

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Spooktober is almost over and with the end of one season comes another Minisode from HWIDG. This month we're bringing up childhood trauma while talking about these issues.

Costume with a Jacket
Milk
Modern Trick or Treating
Beverage Injuries

You were good in school, worked hard, and got the perfect costume, but it's October and you live in not California, so it's chilly. Time to add this seasons #1 costume accessory for moms, and #0 costume accessory for kids. Your fuckin jacket. What is the point of even dressing up if you have to wear a goddamn jacket over your awesome costume? There is none.

Milk, not just a terrible movie with Sean Penn, it's also the most propagandized beverage in history. The milk lobby is deep in your subconscious chanting, "MILK! It's what bones crave!" over and over until one day you force it upon your kids as it was forced upon you.

It's 2019, times are changing, we've got a modern sleek non stop world kids don't have time for all this walking and trick or treating. No, Mom or Dad needs to get in their SUV and rive a bunch of kids door to door, because god forbid they fuckin walk. It's 42 degrees out, are they wearing a jacket? They might not survive 20 feet without heated seats.

Tonight on when beverages attack, 20oz bottles, can they kill your baby? The answer may shock you.

All that plus some preshow chatter on this month's Minisode. Be sure to vote for this Month's movie commentary, before it's too late! 

Bonus Episode 36 - Dunko Plops

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

Welcome back Patrons to this month's sniffled bonus episode. This month we're having an allergic reaction to these great pleasures.

- Panel Shows
- Pumpkin Carving
- Critical Role
- Rockets

Not a comic con panel which is the lamest thing on planet earth. No a British Panel show, maybe the apex of live improv comedy and culture on display in 2019. Doesn't work here in America though, we're too interested in the Bachelorette, fuckin degens.

It's October and you know what that means, spooky pumpkins. What s the spookiest of pumpkin? One that has been chopped up by a would be serial killer and cut into pieces to look like your favorite Universal Movie monster. Here's a tease for one of Next Month's issues, rotting pumpkins.

I don't know anything about Critical Role, but it's nerd shit and Tim likes it. I roll 1 million d 1 million, and that makes me a winner.

You got a tiny dick? Don't matter, because we got a big fuckin rocket you can ride into space, and another one you can shoot at your enemies, and yet another one you can just explode because it looks fun. Rockets are the best.

Thank you patrons for supporting us this month. Don't forget to go vote for this month's movie commentary! 

Tab and Tim Watch - Halloween III: Season of the Witch

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Available now for all $10 Patrons!

Hey Mega Producers you voted and we listened and watched, this movie! So grab your stark gray suit, mirrored sun glasses, and HWIDG token and gather round the TV for a special advertisement at the end of the commentary that totally won't turn your face into snakes and bugs.

Warning: Halloween 3 Commentary should not be consumed by those with brittle bone disease, or any hot 17 year olds into middle aged alcoholic doctors.

Minisode 21 - Shrinkage

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Thank you patrons for another month of support, in this recently washed and chilled podcast we're talking about...

Bans
No Clocks in Games
Fifth Wheels
Surprise Family Visits

Why remove someone from something when there are millions of ways to just ignore them? It's because you're weak willed and a coward, plus you're probably afraid you're too stupid to be able to think for yourself if they start making too much sense. Oh well guess you better ban them.

What time is it, we often ask ourselves at 4 in the morning after killing everyone in the institute because they looked at you funny. Oh no, I have to be at work in 4 hours. Surely there is a better way! Ghost clock is here for you. Ghost clock just barely appears over your gaming session to let you know exactly how many hours you've wasted away!

Fifth Wheel travel trailers are for boomers who can't commit to a choice. They want to go camping, but they don't want to be outside. They want to have the freedom of driving a small vehicle, but they don't want to pay to stay somewhere. They want to bring their whole home with them, but they want it to be as inconvenient as possible to get anything. When an RV isn't good enough and a cabin is right out, enter the fifth wheel, a giant obstruction in traffic you should just drive off a cliff and live where it lands.

Hey your Mother's, Brother's, Son's, Step Mother's, Great Aunt's, adopted Ukrainian Secretly Adult Orphan is in town and guess who they want to have dinner with? That's right! It's you! So put all those plans you made all week to try and not strangle your coworker with his hideous clip on tie on hold, this is what you're doing for the foreseeable future!

That's what we have this month, thank you to all of our patrons here at HWIDG you make the show possible. Call in with your mini issues, at 704-750-9434 or post them in the discord! 

Bonus Episode 35 - Accidental Discharge

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

It's September, Green Day is asleep. Earth, Wind, and Fire is getting ready for the party of the year for the end of fall. Spooky Skeletons are rattling around, college girls are prepping their yoga pants and boots, and we're in the last days without pumpkin spice. But the best part is here, Here's What I Do Get, and when we don't fuck up the intro we're talking about this;

Spare Parts
Modding
Gradualism
Bingeing

It's more than just an insult it's a way of life. You can't buy them anymore, your stuff is broke and you cannot fix it, just buy a new one. There's something satisfying though, taking your broken thing apart transplanting a new piece into the body of your old reliable pal. Then breathing new life into it again, and continuing like nothing went wrong. If only we didn't live in this disposable world.

Want Tim to have big tits in this episode? There's a Mod for that. Tired of all the movie talk? There's a mod for that. New intro, replace hosts, kill children? There's a mod for that. Modding is the best way to add depth to a game that will keep you coming back for more. Modding allows you the player to make exactly the game you want to invest time in, and that's the most important resource you have.

We're always talking about the life we want to lead when we win the lottery but why not start now. Build things a little bit at a time and before long you'll be living your best life #blessed. Too often I think we're paralyzed by the want to do things the biggest and best we can the first time instead of just trying it a little bit. We can't all free climb El Capitan on the first try, you've gotta start in the rock climbing gym, or just getting up from the toilet on Sunday mornings. You can do it!

There are 542 episodes on the patreon feed. That's over 45 days of content if you just put it on and started listening. What better time to start from the very beginning and binge this great great great show. Instead of waiting a week between shows, that blows.

Well that's what we've got this month, thank you the fans for supporting the show. Be sure to VOTE FOR OCTOBER'S MOVIE COMMENTARY, and if you are feeling feisty give us a call on the voicemail at 704-750-9434

Tab and Tim Watch - Highlander

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Available now for all $10 Patrons!

In what is widely regarded as the Greatest Movie of All Time. Connor MacCleod plays Russel Nash, a bookish antique dealer with a heart of gold, and a neck as brittle as a toothpick. Watch as he slays his foes and absorbs their power in The Gathering a contest of immortals in 1985 New York City. With music by Queen, and appearances from some people that were also in Star Wars, grab your Katana because There Can Be Only One - HIGHLANDER!

Minisode 20 - No Touching!

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Gather round ye HWIDG-ets and bear witness to these trivial annoyances given voice by our faithful heroes.

- All This Hair
- Touching the Screen
- Calling an EP and Album
- Migraines

How does Cousin It survive the summers? Tim has no idea because while his mane isn't as glorious as the aforementioned member of the Addams Family it sure feels like it holds in the same amount of heat. Hair is a great insulator, that's why polar bears have so much of it, sometimes it is too good though and your brain starts slowly melting and leaking out your nose. This is a true factual medical problem that you are now also afraid of, you're welcome.

Click on that link right there, yeah that one, do it with your finger, great now the screen is all smudgy and you still have to move the mouse. Why in gods name do people feel it's permit able to touch the screen. Rarely do they function as an input device and when they do you errant clicks just cause more problems. Get a fucking pointer stick, at least that probably isn't covered in grease, boogers, shit, and or whatever else you've been touching without washing your hands.

As a #1 Album artist, let me tell you one thing. If it isn't 70 minutes, it's not a fucking album. So take your goddamn EP Missy Elliot and shove it up your ass. Other wise literally everything is an album. Also I still have no idea who you even are.

Migraines are the hitler of headaches, literally the worst. Just like Hitler, you can see them coming but there is absolutely nothing you can do about it because you are Neville Chamberlain just praying that the migraine will uphold the non-agression pact. It won't. Next Hitler is marching into Russia, and this metaphor is really starting to fall apart.

That's it for this month, thank you for supporting the show, we hope you stay tuned for more HWIDG in September.

Bonus Episode 34 - Who is Your Daddy?

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

It's mid-month and that means it's time for another laid back non-angry episode of Here's What I  Do Get. This month we're hitting pause, cracking a beer on the roof, kicking back, and starting a new game with,

- Recliners
- Taking a Break
- Character Creators
- Roof Top Bars

The throne of the house, sometime between College and Death a man gets a recliner, and it's his. A lot of people are over and Dad isn't home, well don't sit in that seat because it's his. I remember after my Grandfather died his Recliner wasn't moved, it just stayed there completely unused, why? Because it was his, and no one can fill that seat.

We all run hot sometimes, and when things get to be too much it's always good to take a break. Sanding a project in the heat? Why not take a break? Co-worker driving you nuts? Take a break. Not able to solve what should be a simple problem? Take a break. It's the universal solution, and it makes that comeback even better.

What's the best kind of game? Any game where you have total control over the look of your character. It's one of the few things fun about sports games. Character creators make playing a game more personal, sure we all love being Batman, but at the end of the day that's just Batman. What I really love is playing as a naked old man Low Balce shooting fire and getting quickly murdered.

Finally I have to make a but of a retraction this month. While I still hate eating outside, I do love drinking on rooftops. A slew of Rooftop bars have opened in the Tulsa area recently and each one is better than the last. Something about the breeze, the people watching, and the cute bartenders creates the perfect storm of relaxation and enjoyment. The only thing it is missing is a good recliner to sit in.

Well that's it for this month, be sure to go vote for next Month's movie commentary, even if you aren't a $10 patron right now.

We Left the Mics On - Serenity

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Available now for all $2 Patrons!

Here it is the movie no one was looking forward to. Serenity, not that one a different one. One man's 3rd year film school story finally comes to life in 2019's Serenity. Join Matthew Mcaoun- how ever the fuck his last name is spelled, a down on his luck fisherman trying to catch Justice, a big fuckin Tuna. His fortunes change suddenly when his ex-wife, Selina Kyle, comes to his small island and asks him to kill her husband, the man she left him for. Will Matt kill her husband, will he bang Superman's mom, will the guy from Guardians of the Galaxy speak in an accent you can understand, and is the creepy guy with the glasses from the future? Find out when you watch Serenity.

Tab and Tim Watch - Kung Fu Hustle

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Available now for all $10 Patrons!

Welcome back HWIDGets to this month's looney toons movie commentary. Join Tab and Tim as they sit down to watch the most Mr. Miyagi movie to ever wax on or wax off. In a world without phones, or people who speak English, only two things prevent total anarchy. Ax wielding gangsters, and flip flop wielding old ladies. So sit down, relax, and join us for a bit of light reading, Kung Fu style!

Minisode 19 - Advertisement Wars

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

This Minisode is brought to you by our fine sponsors, please enjoy your ad by choosing your own ad experience. Your choices are.

- Choosing Your Own Ad Experience
- People Who Don't Use Their Turn Signal
- False Advertising

Ads are the worst part of basically everything, they're only meant for women. Often they make zero sense, and the majority of the time it's just white noise while you play on your phone. Advertisers are trying to give you a voice in what you consume though and now we get a Mass Effect 3 option to decide what color ad we want jammed down our throat. Spoilers, we don't want any.

Are you turning or are you going straight ahead through that farmers market and off the edge of the earth into oblivion. Oh you are going to kill that family of four, alright my mistake then. 90% of the time that isn't what happens, 90% of the time the guy turns left and you weren't sure what the fuck he was doing because his turn signal wasn't on. Thanks for the heads up you giant front hole.

The only thing worse than choosing an ad experience is being lured in with a big fat lie. Whether it's a "crossover event" that isn't eventful and has no cross over, or a mobile game that is using footage from something else entirely to make you play, it's infuriating. Are you so ashamed of your product you have to hide it behind lies and deceit? Oh the answer is yes, ok well thanks for letting me know.

Thank you to all of our Patrons this month, we hope you'll keep subscribing and supporting the show.

Bonus Episode 33 - Learning is Power!

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

In a world filled with podcasts that focus only on bitching and moaning a bonus episode stands alone, Here's What I Do Get. With their super human hearts these two men talk about their feelings in a way that is approachable and not unmanly, listen as they diatribe about:

- Bot Accounts
- Watches
- Learning
- School House Rock

In the slog of terrible bot accounts there are a few that rise above and deliver actual humor. TMNT Wikipedia Pages, Dime Store Novels, or Dick Out of Context. These proud few don't suck and you actually enjoy seeing them from time to time. Too bad all bot accounts can't be wholesome and fun and not get dragged into the slog of politics.

A watch is a completely superfluous piece of technology in this day and age. With smart watches, computerized everything, and your phone constantly telling you where you need to be and when. Yet a watch is a wonder of design, it recalls a time where craftsman ship mattered and design was important. Now everything a rectangle and does 400 things poorly, hurray progress.

We all loved learning, at one point between crying because your Mom left you behind, and the existential dread that you were going to do exactly the same thing you did the day before that, and the day after, and so on, we were excited to go to school and learn. That's why we all have a bunch of useless trivia facts stored in our brain, and can't do compound interest in our heads. We enjoy getting a new factoid, but by the time they teach you the useful stuff in school, you're brain is fried and you're more concerned about the cute girl you're sitting behind.

School House Rock is about a generation early for most of us, but inevitably one day in elementary school our teacher rolled out that AV cart for a movie day and what did she pop in? Multiplication Rock, My Hero Zero, 3 is the Magic Number, Ready or Not, Here I Come, Little Twelvetoes, way better than doing real math. True story 90% of what I know about base 12 comes from the song Twelvetoes. They were great simple learning devices that we've just abandoned in favor of Sponge Bob Square Pants.

That's in for this month, thank you all of our patrons. Be sure to join the DISCORD, and check out the store to BUY A SHIRT. Not to mention VOTING for August 1st Movie Commentary.

Tab and Tim Watch - Ghost in the Shell

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Available now for all $10 Patrons!

It's July and that means one thing. Loving America, and yet you weebs decided we would be better served watching a robot lady fight some anime people. I know less than nothing about this franchise other than everyone was super pissed off that Scarlet Johansen a WHITE woman who puts asses in seats and is part of the biggest movie franchise on the planet was cast to play an ASIAN character. HOW DARE THOSE HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS TRY AND MAKE MONEY. Now if you'll excuse me, I am going to go see Hamilton where they recast all the white founding fathers with Puerto Ricans.

Join us in watching the 2017 Ghost in the Shell and just hoping beyond hope that the flimsy plastic uniform she wears will go invisible improperly and show us some boobs. While we watch Ghost in the Shell.

Here's What I Don't Game - E3 2019

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Available now for all $2 Patrons!

Rise up GAYmers and give praise. The lamest E3 in recent history has come and gone. Tim sits down Tab and tells him about all the new games coming in the next few years and why they will or won't suck. Get lost in some tangents about other non gaming stuff. And leave your thoughts on a new $15 tier.

Minisode 18 - 50 Ways to Rip Your Pants

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome back Here's What I Don't Get True Believers whis month we're talking about these small pedantic complaints.

- Ripping Your Pants
- Strip Clubs
- "50 Ways to Cook _____" YouTube Videos
- Not Wearing Shoes

It's the baseline cartoon comedic moment, a guy bends over to do something, and boom, his pants rip open and you see his heart boxers. In the real world it's not as funny because it's happened to you. Why would your pants betray you like this, after all the ball funk you've pumped into them?

Strip Clubs, they fulfill a male fantasy of having a way too hot of a girl, in way too few of a clothes, come up to you and seem to have way too much of an interest in you. Or was it your wallet? In any case it's a weird social interaction and I'd rather people watch than be touched by the ladies I just saw grinding on an old guy.

Today on Here's What I Don't Eat! We're going to make scrambled eggs on a hot plate while riding the scrambler! Who are these videos for, they aren't about making different recipes, it's just about cooking things in weird and impractical ways. People soak it up though, so I guess it's working.

Finally put some fuckin' shoes on. There are all kinds of shit on the floor, from dirt, disease, and debris, to the floor being lava. Yet for an inexplicable reason people decide to go full on degen and just wander around shoeless. Your feet stink, you're at risk of getting stepped on by someone else. If you want to wear no shoes get some flip flops.