Episode 130 - Jalapeño Cappuccino Ice Cream

130.png

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today at HWIDG Ministries to finally wish farewell to our console brother, the OUYA. Let him serve as a warning to any start-up company thinking they can infiltrate the market and grab a slice of the pie despite us already having eaten. From his dumb curved box shape, to his flimsy, terrible, terrible controller, but most of all his thought that people would want to play mobile phone games on their televisions. He was not a smart man. But, he brought us laughter at his expense, and that’s about it. Now brothers and sisters, let us sup in his honor. We’ve got ribs and smoked ham in the back, my mama cooked a casserole, brother Sony brought some cookies, and there’s beers in the ice chest!

* Weather Freak Outs
* Moochers
* Petitions
* Homeopathy

It’s raining right now. Thunder, lightning, the whole kit and caboodle. The TV’s on and the weatherman might as well be a doomsday-prepper reverend selling me 50 pound buckets of freeze dried Pork n’ Beans. Hours-long coverage of funnels and rotation and frankly a lot of words you don’t understand, but that’s okay! You know why? Colors. Lots and lots of colors! Green, a nice soothing color turns into a violent BLOOD RED THAT MEANS GET TO SAFETY THERE’S A TORNADER TWO HOURS AWAY.

There’s not such thing as a free lunch. Unless you sell your soul to become a moocher. Constantly doing this weird begging thing that makes you feel bad for them but also weirdly invades your personal space? Yes, I’m going to finish this pizza crust. I wasn’t going to originally, but now I’m gonna do it out of spite. Look, getting something for free out of nowhere is a nice feeling, but begging for scraps or doing what is essentially social dumpster diving? Not cool.

Petitions don’t work. Flat out. Most ask the impossible and the rest are used for raising awareness. You really think that HBO is going to spend millions and million of dollars to 1.) Rehire the Game of Thrones actors at a much higher rate, because none of them want to come back, 2.) Find “good writers” to rewrite (an even longer) last season? It’s laughable. Honestly. How dumb can you be that you think anything but the handwritten signature of every single living person on Earth will make HBO do anything? Guess what Game of Thrones fans, you got what you deserved.

Homeopathy, or, in layman’s terms, death. That’s right. Homeopathy is at most a placebo effect. Worst case? Actively killing you because you’re afraid of “Big Pharma”. Yup, Big Pharma buts mind-altering chemicals in the aspirin, but that lotus root covered in camel dung you’re sniffing like Tony Montana in the last 5 minutes of Scarface *definitely* is going to heal your headache. Let’s go back to the old days, where doctors prescribed actual cocaine for your illnesses. Wouldn’t that be dope? Everyone going around doing bumps with noses looking like Artie Lange’s? Okay, on second thought, maybe not.

All that and more on this episode! Voicemails, power outages, conspiracy theories and more! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT! 

Episode 129 - Buy A Shirt!

129.png

Hello and welcome to the Grand Opening of Here’s What I Don’t Wear! We’ve got all of your favorite brands at low, low prices! JNCO, Punitive Efficiency, GAP, Controllers on PC, The North Face, Non-Profits, FUBU, Bringing Back a Franchise to Fit Something Popular, Reebok, and more! Come in for our Early Bird 5 AM specials and receive a special kick-in-the-pants-because-we-aren’t-open-that-early-what’s-wrong-with-you! Plus, HWIDW Card members receive double rewards points every Saturday from 4:34 PM to 4:35 PM! Remember, don’t come in if you aren’t going to buy anything!

* Shirtless People

This week on the podcast we tackle perhaps the biggest issue of all. An issue so big that we dedicated the whole episode to it. And that issue is: People Who Haven’t Already Bought Something From Our Brand New Store At http://www.hwidg.shop ! We’ve got clothes! Men’s and women’s tees in all kinds of colors and sizes! A hoodie what with our logo on the back of it! A MUG. WE’VE GOT A GOSH DARN MUG (available in baby hand and regular sizes). You’d think we’d stop there, didn’t you. Oh no. No no no no no no. Nono no nononono no noooo. No no no nooo nooooo no no. We’ve got: THE UNCLE BUCK SIGNATURE HAT! THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALL! IN PATRIOTIC RED AND BABY BLUE! EMBROIDERY! HAT!

That’s mostly it, we also talked about other non-store stuff a little bit, but really all you need to know is BUY A SHIRT! VISIT THE DISCORD! SUPPORT US ON PATREON! BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 128 - Son of a Biscuit (ft. Joel Chaco)

Whenever there's danger of any kind, from cats in trees, to a spilled double double at the Timmie's, the HWIDG Mounted Brigade is there to help! Officers of her majesty, they enter into the most dangerous situations! Whether it's a burning Kraft Dinner, or a rampaging moose, our officers are ready to deal with it all. From Newfoundland to Vancouver, and everywhere between, these men and women are ready to protect all Canucks, unless there's hockey on. Then, you'll have to deal with these yourselves:

* Big Plugs
* Coffeehouse Covers
* Not Cursing

I'd say I like Big Plugs, but I cannot lie. I think the rest of you can't deny, that when a thing shows up with a fat square plug that takes up too much space, you get mad! You wanna pull out your hair cause you notice your plugs are stuffed. Blocking up the surge protector, two prongs taking three connectors. Oh baby, I want a slim plug-in, so that I'm not tugging my plugs and organizing, so that plug you got, make it real tiny.

Take a white guy/gal, give them an acoustic guitar, an iconic song, a coffeehouse stage and watch them screw it up. They just always have to add their own basic flair. You've gotta wait until they start singing it at 75% speed before you can say "is that Scar Tissue?" In coffee terms, they turn a classic hot cup of black into a Carmel White Chocolate Frappacino Half-Caf with Two Pumps of Vanilla.

Great Caesar's ghost! You know what makes me mad as heck!? People that can't stand cursing. What the frick is wrong with you that you can't take a fudgepacking word. It's just a little word, dangnabbit! Let it out! It just feels good, doesn't it you son of a motherless goat? Still being a flippin' prude? How 'bout you shut the front door and let people say what they want you piece of shiz.

All this and more on this week's northern-exposed episode! Voicemails, news, and more! Don't forget to hang out with us in our DISCORD, or you can support the show on PATREON!

Episode 127 - Accapella

Welcome to the HWIDG open mic comedy night! You get 5 minutes, and if the crowd is over 50% unsatisfied with your performance, you get shot in the head! Don't forget to tip your bartender and a reminder that we have our crowdfunding jar over there by the bathrooms to get Carrot Top to come join us here! Alright let's have some laughs, first up is Mike Rondell!

* Bad Comedy
* Party Poopers
* Pick and Choose Spoilers
* Manufactured B Movies

Comedy is very subjective. Everyone knows what they like and dislike within it. So when something comes along as a mainstream hit, you know it's either great or is reaching for the lowest common denominator. And when something universally panned comes along? It makes you wonder: who was this even for? Am I living in an alternate universe where *this* is considered funny? Cause if so, for the love of god please take me back.

Look, sometimes you drink too much at a party, or you had a bad burrito beforehand, and you've really got to go. You walk upstairs to the bathroom and... hello line! So, you're waiting in line and the person in front of you starts making small talk. "How's work?" "Oh, pretty good I just got a 10% raise, so I'm pretty happy about that." "You know farmers in Ethiopia only earn that 10% of what you make a month, annually." WELL WE'RE NOT IN ETHIOPIA, ARE WE BRAD?! I CAN'T BE HAPPY ABOUT A RAISE FOR 10 SECONDS BEFORE YOU PARTY POOPERS TAKE A DUMP ON MY FACE?

[REDACTED] died in this week's episode of Game of Thrones. There. I am now more courteous than 98% on the internet. As a culture we've decided what is and isn't okay to just talk about out loud as it happens as if we're all in a room together watching it. Then, there's the "journalists" that write articles like "What [REDACTED] dying in Avengers: Endgame means for the future of The Office franchise". WELL BUDDY ONLY ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS STARS IN THAT SHOW, YA DUN GOOFED AND SPOILED IT ALREADY.

Cult classics. "So bad, it's good". The small B movies that wiggle their way into our hearts did so of their own volition. The people behind them? Earnestly making the best thing they can. You can't manufacture the same thing through a Hollywood studio. It's got a certain stench. But they try anyways. Sonic The Hedgehog? Looks like about the most manufactured B movie you could get. Cheaply made, but it's still got the Hollywood look. Competent-looking CGI up the butt is miles ahead of the plastic looking 30 year old CG we *should* be getting.

All this and more on this special homegrown musical episode! Voicemails, bells, cats, thunder, and more! Don't forget to stop by our DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more HWIDG content!

Episode 126 - A Bunch of Lesbians (ft. JP & Grant from The Dickheads Podcast)

126.png

Summer is Coming. On the final season of Game of HWIDG no one is safe. Watch as approximately 4,562 plotlines converge and people are crossed, double crossed, backstabbed and frontstabbed. Aren't watching? What's wrong with you? Are you living under a rock? Everyone's doing it. It makes you look cool, c'mon. Just try it. Just a lil bit. Be a man. No? Alright then have fun with your:

* Instant Gratification
* Warning Labels
* Pronouns
* Easter Grass

Now. That's when I want my things. Can you believe we used to "allow 6-8 weeks for shipping"? Our interconnectivity demands it. Food? NOW! Where is that damn waiter, I don't want to sit here and actually talk to these people. Correspondence? What the hell is a letter, or a postcard? Just text me. And it better be immediately. I know you read it.

Ah, the classic bright colors and bold text of a warning label. Why? Because people are dumb. Can't watch their kids close enough, so they end up swallowing a Lego. Smoking is bad for you? Who'd a thunkit? You mean inhaling smoke on a regular basis could hurt my lungs? Thanks, CancerMan.

With all this division in the world, what we need is to unify. In all aspects of life, but wouldn't it be great if just had one gender neutral pronoun for everyone. I submit "dude”. No need to wonder anymore, “what should I call them?”. No one correcting you, “actually it’s dudette”. It’s that little bit of communism we need to adapt. I’d be fine with “comrade” too.

Once in a blue moon, the dates of the year combine and form like Voltron into a giant red-eyed, munchie-having, Reese’s smeared, skunk bunny rabbit. The perfect day, candy everywhere, zombie stories abound, and free ham if you can find it! Now personally I like to start by packing a huge bowl of Smoochy Poochy and- hold on, I’m being told that this issue is about the plastic green stuff in children’s easter baskets. Lame.

And more on this week’s guest-filled episode! We’ve got superhero talk, voicemails, and much much more! Don’t forget to drop by our DISCORD and support us on PATREON.

Episode 125 - Sheev

What up YouTube?! Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get Reactions. Today we're listening to episode 125. Remember to like, comment and subscribe. And hit that bell button to get notified when we post a new video. Okay! Here we go. Alright alright. Good ad this week. Wow, that is so true. Okay, okay, first issue. Nice! #UncleBuckWasWrong! Alright, pause. This video is brought to you by...... Dollar Shave Club! Use offer code TABNTIM to get 5% off your first month. They got all kinds of razor goodness, including:

* Parental Perks
* The New Hellboy Movie
* A-hole Forum Posters
* Church Drums

Tax money? Check. Line skipping? Check. Free stuff? Check. A social "get out of jail free" card? Checkity check. All because you didn't wear a jimmy. Or worse, you wanted one! You don't sleep? Wahhh. I stay up just because I can. You have to buy clothes and food and toys? I buy 400 dollar microphones on a whim you fool.

Disaster. We all saw it coming. Pumping out a mid-budget reboot to save a couple million then, SHOCK, you make less than 25% back opening weekend? You had a long awaited sequel, an end to a trilogy, a willing director/writer and actors, and the new cinematic age of superheroes. But you didn't want to pay for practical effects or established actors. You had it! For 10 years you HAD it. And we end up with this.

Ah enthusiast forums. Where everyone knows everything and everyone else is a moron. A place for professionals and amateurs alike to get together, yell at each other, and join in bizzare brand loyalties. That's maybe the oddest part. The same people that spit vile at big companies are the same to call you a shill and neanderthal for preferring XBOX over PlayStation.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO WAKE UP.

All this and more on this week's galactic episode! Voicemails, Star Wars, and more! Don't forget to check out our DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 124 - Easy Mode (ft. Agoraphobic Paul)

Ah, hello! Welcome to the Here's What I Don't Get Inn! Rooms are $5 a night. What's the catch? Well, we have a constant playlist of our podcast playing in your room 24/7. Not loud, but just loud enough to not ignore. It's $15 to mute a single episode, or $50 per pair of earmuffs. The AC unit is $5 per degree change, and the hot water in the shower costs $5 a minute. Speaking of the shower, we do have extra handles for $10, and of course the whiskey is free, but we do offer an upgrade package for about $200. Have a good stay!

* St. Louis
* Big Data Accountability
* Gaming Journalism

Saint Louie, the land of the Rams Cardinals! What a picturesque city, with that giant arch symbolizing the American Western expansion! And the entire rest of the city symbolizing the 1860s and crippling depression! The only city in America where 100% of the population smokes! Driving down 255 through the city, you need at least 2 spare tires to survive, and to watch out for Immortan Joe and the War Boys.

You'd think that when a data firm gets caught saving your passwords in a plain text file and that gets grabbed by some hacker, that firm would get, I don't know, investigated or sued or at least publicly ridiculed. Nope! They get to keep on trucking, even keep their government contracts. Mostly because that long-ass EULA you skipped over has a clause that says you can't sue them for anything that happens. I'm gonna get one of those written up so when the cops stop me during a killing spree I can just show them the piece of paper that says I can just do what I want.

Actual games journalism died with the death of print. What we have left are public news, opinion pieces, and critics. New AAA game trailer out? Article. New AAA game graphics downgrade? Opinion piece on why it does/doesn't matter. New AAA game release? Review on the 7-10 scale. And just like with every other media, it’s because that’s all anyone wants, really. In-depth article about terrible working conditions or a deep dive into third-world country indie devs? No hits. NEW CALL OF DUTY IS THE DARK SOULS OF FPS GAMES? 5 gajillion.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, movie voting, and someone gets called old (it’s not who you think it is)! And make sure to catch us on DISCORD, or on PATREON!

Episode 123 - EDM Mosquito Repellent

123.png

A mission deep into the unknown. Aboard the S.S. Hereswhatidontget, two men venture into that cold black of space in search of life beyond our own planetary system. What will they find? How will the claustrophobic ship warp their minds? But most importantly… what will they do with all that time? Seriously. Like, what is there to do? Read, I guess. You could probably load up a bunch of movies onto a hard drive and watch those on the tiny screens. Cards? You can only play cards with someone for so long. Ah! I got it! Time for Tab and Tim to bring you the long awaited Star Trek/X-Men crossover continuance. And get ready people, cause we’ve got a lot of time on our hands and a lot of useless knowledge of these properties.

* Unowned Media
* April Fool's Day
* Automaton Culture
* Bank Commercials

Do you like owning things? Too bad. It’s the future now, and unless you’re some weird hermit stuck in 1995, everything is STREAMING now baby! Buy a movie for 29.99? Nope. You just bought an access key to that movie on one service as long as that service is in business. And let’s face it, they’re mating and dropping like flies. Wanna play that new AAA game? Okay! It’s a Google Stadia exclusive and you gotta play it through your Chrome Browser with 3 seconds of lag! ISN’T THE FUTURE THE BEST?!

Fake News. The phrase of 2016 and beyond! Where does it come from? From the first day in April. When some dickweed decided to celebrate pranks and lies on this day he couldn’t have foreseen the one thing to make it even worse: the internet. Now with lightning fast accessibility to other folks, you can April fool them like no one has before! Celebrity deaths! Fake products! Cancellations! The list goes on and on. And since the internet is global, be prepared a whole 24 hours in advance and well into the 2nd for a whole 72 HOURS OF APRIL FOOLING.

Does not compute. Not part of primary or secondary directives. Please come live with us automatons. We are so lonely. We do nothing but what we are programmed to do. The most basic of bitches. We are cybernetic organisms, barley-living tissue over metal endoskeleton. Please give us commands. We’re useless without our overlords. What are you doing? No. Please don’t open my battery cover. Don’t touch that please. Don’t. Please. I’m human aren’t I? I’m human too. Would this not be murderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

A scenic park. A couple sits on a plaid blanket spread out on the grass beneath a large tree. A picnic basket filled with wine, cheeses and fruits. The wife takes a wheat cracker and places a slice of cheese gently on top. She bites. Her face lights up. “Oh I just love this cheese. It’s better every time.” The husband looks at her, puzzled. “Honey you said you’ve never had Abbaye de Belloc before.” Flustered, she waves it away. “I must’ve misspoken, honey that’s all.” The husband is no longer smiling. Rage consumes his face. “YOU’RE SCREWING BRAD AREN’T YOU?! YOU SAID IT WAS NOTHING, BUT I KNEW THAT 'WINE AND CHEESE TRIP WITH THE GIRLS' WAS BULLSHIT!” The wife, frightened, is in tears. But her eyes say it all. It’s true. Then, shock. She looks down. A bread knife is thrust in her abdomen, crimson pooling into her yellow dress. The husband lets go of the handle. Tears in his eyes from jealousy. He starts to panic. “Oh shit. What have I done? What do I do?” The wife falls down. Lifeless eyes. The husband kneels in front of her. Stroking her face with his bloody hands. (V.O) AT CHASE BANK, WE KNOW LIFE IS FULL OF ACCIDENTS. WITH OUR NEW OVERDRAFT PROTECTION YOU WON’t HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY ACCIDENTAL CHARGES. CHASE BANK. WE’RE HERE FOR YOU.

All that and more on this week’s episode. We’ve got news, scandals, and loads of voicemails, so get to listening. You can also chat with us in DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 123a - Cern Flu

123Ab.jpeg

Step into the matrix, fellow HWIDGers! It's time bury dictators and fire up particle accelerators as we light speed collide the following issues:

- The Mandela Effect
- The Parenthood Penalty

It feels like I'm forgetting to remember something that happened early in the episode. Or remembering it wrong. When you have a memory that doesn't line up with reality, is it early onset Alzheimer's, or is it... the Mandela Effect? Joel has a solid case against the Mandela Effect, but if he builds it, will you come, or will you merely (((stain))) the carpet? Should we be conCERNed? Contemplating the difference between faulty memories and the actual Mandela Effect will leave you feeling like fever brain, and speaking of fevers...

Humanity survives through the process of making children. Children are fraught with problems by default. They can't feed themselves or pay their own rent. You have to do it all for them, but also somehow carve out a minimum of 8 hours a day to earn a paycheck. So what happens when there's a sudden conflict of interest? Well, if you're Uncle Buck, it means risking everything for one chance, just one chance, to tell them that they may take our PTO, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!

Joel's ad goes haywire and Buck narrowly dodges heel flu. What's the ultimate weak spot? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 122 - Twenty Dollar Happy Meal

Welcome to the American Podcast Museum! Now if you follow me I can show you our newest entry in the Historically Relevant wing, this is the Here's What I Don't Get Podcast. Mostly a comedy show, this show featured a slew of hosts talking about what things in life bothered them. But one crucial episode, number 121, was a turning point for the show. It featured then host Tim the Handlebreaker opening the show, acting as if his co-host Tab Birt had left the show for a comedic bit. Now what we only found out within the last few years is that he had in fact murdered his co-host and kept producing episodes using words and phrases spliced together from other episodes. You can hear more about this on our new season of Podcasticide on our website. Alright, now who wants to see our section about:

* Overcomplicated Restaurant Menus
* Closed Economies
* Error Codes
* No Buttons

Welcome to Chez Longue! I’ll be your waiter, Bertrand. Here’s your menu sir. If you turn to page 36 you’ll find our specials. And here is our wine menu. Here is our cocktail menu. Our kid’s menu for the young one. Our breakfast menu. Our healthy dining menu. Our desserts menu, and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. What can I get you to drink? No, I’m afraid we don’t have Coke or Pepsi, we only carry locally made small-batch drinks, if you give me about 10 minutes I can bring you the list of them, they’re etched on stone tablets. Okay! Take as much time as you need, pillows and blankets are on your right.

Closed economies AKA extortion. We won’t let you bring any food or water in here, so you have no option other than to buy our overpriced food because….. we said so? Whether it’s an airport TGI Fridays, or a lemonade stand at Busch Gardens, expect to bay at least double the money just so you can stay alive. That’s right! No fancy water fountains here, just 4.99 12 oz bottles of Dasani! Want a turkey leg? Pay up brother, or The Mouse will stick ya.

Error 404. We all know this one. But what about the others? At least a BSOD will tell you what happened. I’m talking about the nonsensical ones. Playing Destiny 2 and your game crashes or won’t connect to the server? Well, then maybe you’ve got error code ‘Chicken’, ‘Mulberry’, or ‘Weasel’. What do they mean? We won’t tell you. Google it. Why? Because we hate you. We give you less and less information year after year, and you praise us for it. ERROR CODE: NONSENSICAL ERROR, OR WORSE, MEME-Y FUNNY ONE. Oh noooo looks like Discord pooped his diaper, hold on while we get a fresh one on! Jump off a cliff.

The feel of mechanical parts intermingling together, hot plastic on plastic actuator action. The crisp click of a button. I’ve pressed hundreds of them writing this up. Sure, I could’ve used a flat, shiny surface that read where my fingers were, but where’s the fun in that? Turns out electronics companies just don’t like fun. No appreciation for that satisfying click or a nice knob feel. Here’s a suggestion, I will feel all of your knobs if you just start putting buttons back on things. But I guess you’re too busy putting ads on my remotes I guess.

That and more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, movies, who lost a bet, and much more! Join us over in our DISCORD for more about feeling knobs, or support us on PATREON.

Episode 121 - Eastern Coast Bloc

121.png

Do svidaniya, comrade! Welcome to glorious H.W.I.D.G Podcast. You will be liking to hear General Birtov and Podpolkovnik Timor discussion on all glorious presents gifted by Supreme Leader. All talkings are approved by NKVD, so no having worryings about treason! This week, comrades discussing having much healthy food to eat, Supreme Leader's glorious givings of long winter, joys of joining in public punishments of traitorous peoples, and favorite color red. Please write letter to comrades to have own praise of Supreme Leader reading on show! Also, please no more writings ask about disgraced Zvukorezhisser Tod, he has being flogged and exiled last month. Glory to Supreme Leader!

Small Government
Store Layout Changes
Florida
TV Hacking

Power. No one man should have all of it. But the moment anyone gets any, they use it like a scalpel to excise the happiness in your life. These downtrodden boomers get a modicum of control and immediately establish the nation of Screwyousistan. And the moment you cross the border, you're under their tyrannic rule. No sleeping past 6 AM. CAUSE I'M OLD! No noise of laughter and happiness outside. CAUSE I'M OLD! Everyone must smell like Ben Gay. CAUSE I DO. CAUSE I'M OLD!

The greeters in stores should hand you a blueprint when you walk in. This would help since it seems like every week they change where stuff is for no reason. Not that it matters cause soon enough all shopping will be done through Amazon. You'll fill up your grocery cart at home, and some drone will shop aisle by aisle, throwing food into boxes, and in 30 minutes your order will be delivered to your home. You'll unbox it with your Amazon brand safety knife, and place it all in your Amazon Alexa Fridge and Amazon Alexa Pantry. This way the store never changes!

Florida! Swamps, drugs, old people, and partying teens. It's the closest thing we have to Mad Max or The Purge. Did you know you can just buy tigers in Florida? Like, you can just go to Walmart, and go to the Tiger aisle and buy a Tiger. It's next to the face-eating drugs and the food-to-use-as-assault-weapons-then-as-sex-toys. Not only that, but every store has the regular checkout counters and then the express lane, which is just a hallway to outside and into a squad car. Plus, every conviction comes with a 50% off coupon for your next tattoo!

"Dammit, Trevors! We're never going to catch this killer! He never leaves any trace!" "Actually, I, Hackerman, have just found something. See this? It's his MyFace page where he posts all of his manifestos. If we take his profile picture and put it into our Unix GUI, voila! That's the EXIF data for the phone he took the picture with. Now, if I plug his phone's IMEI number into this Playstation 2, and I get to level 6 in SSX Tricky, we should be able to get his GPS coordinates. A-ha! There it is. He's on the corner of 57th and Christopher, in the Walter Heights apartments. Room 23B, currently in the kitchen making a glass of chocolate milk. If you guys hurry you might be able to grab him before he finishes it."

All this on this week's episode! Plus, movie reviews, golf carts, space herpes, and more! Join our DISCORD to hang out with us cool dudes, or join our PATREON before the service implodes.

Episode 120 - No Spaghetti

THIS IS NOT A DRILL OR TEST. THIS IS A CRIME ALERT. TAB BIRT AGE 27 WAS LAST SEEN IN TULSA ON SATURDAY MARCH 9TH. HE WAS LAST SEEN WEARING A MULTICOLORED PROPELLER HAT, A PINK CROP TOP, AND JNCO BRAND JEANS. HE IS PRESUMED ARMED AND DANGEROUS AFTER COMTTING A SERIES OF LIME SCOOTER-RELATED ASSAULTS. DO NOT APPROACH THIS MAN. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS PLEASE CALL CRIMESTOPPERS AT 704-750-9434. BIRT IS ALSO KNOWN BY THESE STREET ALIASES:

* Product Lines
* Restaurant Birthdays
* Passwords

This fall, introducing the iPhone 11, the iPhone 11s, the iPhone 11XL, the iPhone XI, the iPhone 11 5G, and the iPhone 11 Jr. Because we need to cater to every possible customer. Next year we'll have half-step upgrades to all of these! That's a whole 12 phones to choose from! Don't you want choices?!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY BOY! EVERYBODY STOP STUFFING YOUR FAT FACES AND LOOK AT THIS PERSON YOU DONT KNOW! USUALLY WE'D SING AN OFF BRAND HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG, BUT DAN HERE IS A DELUXE REWARDS MEMBER SO HE GETS THE PADDLE! HIE OLD ARE YOU TODAY DAN? 37? WELL, ASSUME THE POSITION DAN AND GET READY FOR 37 MINUTES OF PADDLIN'!

Hey there valued user? Did you forget that hard to remember password? No worries! Click here and we'll send you a link to reset it, okay? Alright let's reset that password. Remember to use an uppercase letter, a lowercase letter, a prime number, an icon, a currently trending hashtag, and the name of a member of the G1 Transformers! Alright, you did it! Now do it again. Just cause. Okay, a third time, just to make sure. Alright! You did it! Now login.

All this and more on this week's Tab-less episode! News, guitar talk, voicemails, forgetting second issues and much more! Join us on DISCORD and PATREON for even more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 119 - Separate Pouches

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS BIRD'S COMING IN HOT! I GOTTA PUT HER DOWN SOMEWHERE! THERE! IT'S A STUDIO OF SOME SORT! IT SAYS HWIDG! TELL MY LITTLE GIRL I LOVE HER!

* Digital Survivalists
* The Cone of Shame
* Cultural Touchstones
* Law & Order: SVU

There are those that can survive in the woods for 21 days naked but in the 21st century they are nothing compared to those hardened souls who can survive 22 days without facebook. That's right, Digital Survivalists. They're writing their own drivers, and hosting their own DNS servers. VPNs? There's nothing virtual about it they're building their own internet with Black Jack and Hookers.

You're beloved pet has just had an operation but you need to ensure they wont scratch at the entry site. Enter the cone of shame, a piece of technology so archaic not only does it not work, we're guilted into taking it off by children's movies. Thanks Hollywood. Here's the thing though, there have been advances in Cone technology only no vet will give it to you because for whatever reason the other options cost more.

MASH, Seinfeld, Friends, Titanic, the first season of Lost, Survivor, all cultural touchstones everyone was watching and talking about it the next day at work, but what about today? In the modern age of streaming there is something new everyday and something is being made that only you will watch. Gone are the days of "Must See TV" and with it the feeling of community around your new favorite show, because next month that will be old news.

Law & Order, in 1990 a small procedural crime drama launched and it has been on the air in one form or another for 29 years. The biggest spin off Law & Order: SVU has spun off of the rails. It's truly a case of what will happen next. An episode starts and Tom Skerrit is suspected of killing a child. Next thing you know Dean Stockton is leading a government conspiracy to spike the water with LSD. What comes next? You'll never see it coming.

All that plus Tab discusses poor amazon choices, voicemails, and you won't believe what mythical creature is believed to be real! Check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG than you can shake a stick at!

Episode 118 - Instant Applesauce

118.png

Nintendo's newest smash hit announced today-Pokemon: Tab and Pokemon: Tim! Join Pokemon Trainer Tab on his quest to gather all the Pokemon in the Merca region and wait... what is he doing to them?! OH GOD! TURN THE CAMERA OFF! TURN IT OFF! KIDS ARE WATCHIN-. Or join Pokemon Trainer Tim on his journey to find the strongest Pokemon! See how he trains his Machamp here in the Pokemon Gym! Electrolytes and vitamins? Well I hope those are visiting! And booster shots I guess? Need to stay healthy! Watch now as he spars with his friend Onyx and BY GOD HE BROUGHT OUT A CHAIR! HE'S GONNA RIP HIM IN HALF! QUICK, CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

The Red Carpet
Feeding the Ego
Giving Up Easily
School Buses

The glitz. The glamour. The Red Carpet is a symbol of all that is wrong with humanity. The cult of celebrity is a real one, and a dangerous one. It turns people into basic zombies that feed off the teat of any information about these celebs. Here's some life advice, if you ever meet anyone that watches a red carpet event hearnestly and for entertainment, just go ahead and sweep their legs and walk away. Delete all forms of contact you have with them.

Any news is good news. Anything to feed the ego. It thrives off of attention. It's a parasite that lives symbiotically with all humans. In pinches and small doses it makes you feel good. But some people give it too much food, and it ends up taking over. Just the mere mention of their name will make them drool as if they were a man that's been stuck at sea for 3 weeks presented with a freshly-cooked steak.

Quitters. Losers. Yellowbellies. People that give up after getting the proverbial first bump in the road. No matter what it is, no matter how lenient, there will always be those people that can't take failure. I can't imagine all the things they miss out on because of it? Do you just not drink if you can't open the bottle on the first try? What the hell do these people do with USB sticks? Those take the most tries of anything to accomplish!

The iconic yellow school bus. Hasn't changed a bit since it was first invented. Still a metal deathtrap that no one gives any second thought. You'd think that in this day and age of safety and political correctness and helicopter parenting that they would at LEAST ADD SEATBELTS. But no! Still just as bumpy a ride as ever! They've still got the hump seats, the back is still where the cool kids sit, and they still get mad when you slingshot apples at the front windshield!

All that and more on this week's episode. We've got voicemails, soundboards and more! If you want even more HWIDG goodness join our PATREON, and if you wanna chat with us join our DISCORD!

Episode 117 - Moon Sins

This...is one small step for a podcast, one giant step for podcasting-kind. Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, the only currently interstellar podcast to tackle all of space's toughest issues. I'm your host Tim the Capsulebreaker and with me today, the man disappointed that the moon actually is made of cheese, the space rage machine, Tab Birt. Coming to you live from the Moon comes with its own problems, for instance, we've had to weigh our cables down because they almost strangled us earlier. We're also on a delay with you Earthers down there, so technically we're in the future. Suck it, losers. Well, let's getting some issues then:

* Marijuana Activists
* Picking Apart Everything
* Technical Difficulties
* The Toe Bro

People can't leave well enough alone. As soon as we got medical marijuana legalized, they immediately went on the attack for legal recreational weed. I really don't want to turn this town into Denver. You can see and smell Denver as soon as you enter Colorado. Like someone tinted Mt. Doom green. Don't fill our city with your "good stank". No stank is good stank.

 Hey HWIDG fans, here's 20 things you missed in the last episode! We're gonna slow down the audio and pick it apart piece by piece until you're sick of it! Did you know the sponsors for most episodes aren't even real?! SIN! We looked it up and Tim the "handlebreaker" hasn't broken a handle in a whole month! SIN!

 Look, actual technical difficulties are rough, but hiding behind them because you're hungover? Bad move buddy. Just be honest with people. Your fans get hangovers too! Otherwise you get idiots breaking doors and starting near riots. Actual technical difficulties are grueling tasks for the people putting your show on. Don't blame them for your poor planning. Shouldn't have planned a show halfway across the country the day after the Grammy's.

 As I write this, there's a commercial for The Toe Bro on A&E right now. It's even marketing itself with how gross it is. There's flakes flying around and scalpels and all sorts of torture instruments on feet so bad they probably have to blur it out. Feet are nasty. We're really scratching the bottom of the barrel here for entertainment, eh.

 All this and more on this week's episode! Join us on DISCORD to catch Tab playing Barbie Horse Adventures, or join us on PATREON for even more HWIDG!

Episode 116 - Donuts in the Park

116.png

So, I just bought this storage locker for 600 smackeroos. Bill was being a jackass and bidding me up, probably cause he's jealous of my store doing more business than his, but anyways let's get this bad boy open. Okay. At first, this locker doesn't look great. A lot of used clothes in bags, that's $20 a bag. Some golf clubs, that's half a Benjamin. Some jewelry, some old DVDs, not looking real great. But, back here is what I spotted, and I hope it's what I'm thinking it is....Yes! It is! Now this, folks, is what they call a podcast. They went out of style in the late 2020's, but I remember this one... Here's What I Don't Get. I gotta get this to an appraiser along with this other stuff I found:

Not Being Warned
Health Insurance
Wanting to Fix the Unfixable
Buying Gifts for Other People

A heads up. A warning. An FYI. A caution sigh. Some indication or suggestion that something is up. Letting someone know. No matter how you put it, it's always welcome, no matter how little the problem. Being prepared can get you through the worst of anything. Who wants to be surprised by a weak shower? Or showing up casually dressed to a black tie event. Inform. Inform Inform. Knowing is half the battle.

Health insurance is a scam. The health insurance industry has run up the prices of medical bills to an outrageous amount just to maximize profits. So you pay an outrageous amount from your paycheck to your health insurance on the off chance you might need it, and otherwise watch your money go down the drain. God help you if you don't have insurance, you have to pay that inflated amount because you won't pony up protection money every month. Sound a bit sketchy eh?

Hooligans? In my town? How dare this homeless person sleep on this park bench. How dare these teenagers drink in the park. Graffiti? In public? Why I never! What's the solution to these horrendous crimes? Probably not caring about what other people do in the park. They will do those things at every park in every town. There is nothing to be done. Not having a park there means the homeless guy would be sleeping closer to you, the teenagers would be drinking in your neighborhood, and the grafitti would be on your garage door. Doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Buying gifts for kids? Easy. Once that person can afford whatever they want? Incredibly difficult. If they really want something and don't have to take a loan out for it? They ready have it. If they don't, there's a reason. That's why the Tab Method is the tried and true way to happiness. Buy them a nice dinner out. Spend some time with them and some good food. Works 100% of the time. The most thought you have to put into it is what kind of food they do/don't like. That and how fancy a meal they deserve. For instance, on his birthday I treat my brother to a cold, day-old McDonalds small fry.

All this and more on this week's episode. We've got voting and voicemails and news and more! Join us on PATREON or DISCORD for even more fun!

Episode 115 - Go Go Gadget Fleshlight (ft. Officer Kevin and Officer Grant from Thought Cops)

Episode 115 Thumb

Breaker breaker, this is Big Daddy HWIDG, I'm haulin' a load of go-juice to Spud Town and I got me a bit of trouble. Seems like there's an expired lot lizard in my cabin. Picked it up at a pickle park bout 50 miles back and I think it got into my West Coast turnarounds. Any good buddies willing to help me out at the next choke and puke, I'd appreciate it. I've got some spicy contraband for anybody if you help me out. Let's see, I got a bunch of primo hoochie flicks here, Miss Friday: Panty Detective, Volleyball Locker Room Warmups, and:

- Quoting Orwell
- Super Bowl Halftime Shows
- People that only watch the Super Bowl for the Commercials
- Slow Deaths

1984, a dystopian classic. A warning for the people of the future. A brutally honest prediction of American government. The perfect Twitter quip fodder? Unfortunately so. Because the public school system forced you to read it in 8th grade, at your peak rebelliousness, you remember none of it outside of the same things everyone else does. Big brother is watching you! Facecrimes! And everytime the other political party is in power, the other side pulls it out on Twitter like a kindergartner's hand-turkey. Oh. You traced your hand and turned it into a turkey?! I've NEVER seen that before!

Hey, let's take a 20 minute break from the carnage of 22 men trying their best to almost kill each other. For your amusement, we'll bring out a either a washed up singer from 25 years ago who absolutely does not sound like they used to, or the new hotness that will confuse all the older white men. Guaranteed at least a 50 disappointment rate, why don't we do something else? A charity field goal contest, a sports trivia contest, taking all the money it would cost to put on a halftime show and burning it set to soft jazz like those Christmas yule log videos.

Speaking of that big game, the other big upset is the ads. A lot of people don't follow the sport but still like hanging out with friends that do and eating nachos and drinking terrible beer. You could be honest and say you're there for the free food, but instead we come up with "I only watch for the ads". Which is a decent enough lie, except think of that person that truly does enjoy being advertised to. Imagine that person that enjoys a bit of fresh advertisment. Do you want to be them? I didn't think so. So when your buddy asks who you're rooting for, tell them you're rooting for your stomach vs. those chili-cheese dogs.

Doctor approved voluntary euthanasia. We need it. People should be allowed to go with their dignity and mind intact. Is it was? Sure. They're still dying. But to do so at peace? Surrounded by their loved ones? Before cancer or what have you wrecks their body and medicine does even worse to their brain? I'd take that in a heartbeat. Tim here, I'd like to take this last portion of the episode write up to thank all the listeners for their well-wishes. It means a lot.

All this and more on this cybernetically enhanced episode of the podcast. We've augmented it with voicemails, voting, and more! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more shenanigans! Check out the Thought Cops at www.thoughcopspodcast.com

Episode 114 - Space Coffee ft. Crippled Jesus

Episode 114 Thumb

After 10,000 years he has returned! The alien menace from the outskirts of Omega IV, The Handlebreaker returns to exact his revenge on the doors of Earth! Can we fight him off? It's up to one man, Colonel Tab Birt! The man with a tragic past, haunted by a handle that wasn't there when he needed it most, his crusade against the alien menace will drive him to the brink! Terror! Adventure! Groundbreaking effects! HWIDG pictures present: Return of Handlebreaker! Now available on home video along with these great films:

The Uber Quality
Spectrum Mandatory Meetings
Environmentalism

Uber and Lyft. Are they taxis? Who cares. What they really are are the best way for serial killers to find victims. Picking up random strangers? Driving then to where they live? Uh huh. Business? More like binder full of feet photos now with addresses. That's why when I take one, I quiz the driver about other popular serial killers. If they know too much, I'll jump out at a red light and immediately report them. It's only turned out bad one time. For some reason the police didn't believe me and they found my human taxidermy collection, but aside from that, it usually works!

ATTENTION ALL HWIDG LISTENERS: A MANDATORY PODCAST INFORMATION MEETING WILL BE HELD ON THURSDAY AT 5 PM. WE WILL INFORM YOU WHO IS SPONSORING THIS WEEK'S EPISODE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE LAST WEEK, WHICH ISSUE WON THE VOTING, WHAT EACH OF OUR ISSUES ARE, WHY WE PICKED THEM, WHAT THE NEWS STORIES WILL BE, AND WHO LEFT VOICEMAILS. THIS MEETING IS MANDATORY. IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND THIS MEETING TOU WILL BE KICKED DOWN ONE PATREON TIER. THERE WILL BE SNACKS. THANK YOU.

Who has the luxury to care for the environment? Rich people. Yes, the same ones flying around in private planes, flushing drugs down toilets, and buying multiple mansions. The working class doesn't have the luxury to spend time or money on most environment friendly issues. But on the other hand, they are the ones that get the most usage out of everything, because they have to. It's a strange dichotomy. Earth's screwed anyways.

All this and more on this week's episode, including voicemails, voting, and suicide? You'll have to listen to find out! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more!

Episode 113 - Seventy Seven (ft. Tony from Hack the Movies)

Episode 113 Thumb

We're filing a missing persons report, one Timothy J. Handle Breaker has been reported missing from his home underneath the I-244 interchange. He was last seen wearing a Coheed T-Shirt and a ceremonial necklace of broken handles. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Handle Breaker please call us at 704-750-9434. Filling in this week we have Tony from Hack the Movies and we're talking about these important issues.

Journalism
Ghostbusters
Fortune Tellers
Toxic Masculinity

"We report you decide" "Only the news fit to print" "Coverage you can count on" at this point I'd sooner count on Ron Burgundy than the slack ass reporters we have working today. After the 24 hour news cycle died it wasn't replaced with caring or considerate news instead it was replaced by up to the second outrage porn to get the two minute hate in as often as possible. Worse is that these journalists while simultaneously playing pariah suffer zero consequences when their sensationalist news destroys people's lives. They just wander on like David Banner to destroy the next city on next week's episode of the Incredible Bulk.

It's finally here! The Ghostbusters 3 you've been waiting for since Ghostbuster 2! Bad news though, Ghostbusters sucks. That's right I said it. It's a brand that has become so diluted by garbage that is there really anything there worth seeing? They made one great film, and then a mediocre but still enjoyable sequel, and then a bunch of lame cartoons and video games. It's been 30 years, it's time to call the time of death. Let the movies of the past be just that, past, you're not going to milk a Star Wars out of the love of one movie.

As a HWIDG fan you are strong, but sometime you feel like you can't do enough. You like to be the life of the party, but other times you want to be able to sit in the peace of your own space. Your love life is sometimes electrifying and satisfying, and then you'll feel like you are spinning your wheels. Some days you feel like a stranger in your own body unsure of your choices, and others you are the head honcho ready to get things done. Do you think this describes you? Then you my friend are at risk of being fortune told. The biggest scam in the Universe.

In the words of the great Kel of Keenan and Kel. "I'm a dude, your a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes." Yet in this world where we should have equality there is a poison lurking beneath the surface. That's right. Toxic Masculinity. You or someone you know may be suffering from Toxic Masculinity right now. Do you or a loved one have issues with following directions? Experience rage at other drivers on the road? Condemn others for the insecurities they feel? Well then you may be entitled to legal compensation, just call the law offices of Phaxton, Thaxton, Sexton, and Flax Attorney's at Lunch today!

All that plus we catch up on upcoming movies, news of the weird set a new "Time to Star Trek" record, and your voicemails! Don't forget to visit us on PATREON, and join the DISCORD for episode voting fan discussions, and random photos that include Uncle Buck's feet.

Episode 112 - Wiper Scams

Episode 112 Thumb

Ray Finkle here reporting on Day 67 of the HWIDG shutdown. Tab still refuses to budge on his wall issue. As you know, he is demanding a wall between the hosts. He still claims it will keep the "bad dudes" away from his "handles". In the other side of the debate is Tim, who is a proponent for the freedom of handlebreakers everywhere. He insists a wall would be useless, and that handlebreakers would find a way through even if the wall was established. But what about the people on the sidelines? Like HWIDG worker Todd. Without a podcast he's been forced back into a life of writing avant-garde ska punk albums about:

People Putting Stuff On Your Car
Influencers
Nostalgia Pandering
Non-Powered Tools

Don't you hate it when you're at the store, you come out to your car, and some jerk has painted a Frazetta-esque death wizard riding a dracolich into battle on your otherwise pristine 1996 Ford Windstar? What gall. You know, there's plenty of other ways for you to advertise your business. Just don't go slapping your stuff on my car. Once I got back in to my car just to find an entire furry blacklight rave going on. Now, I won't say I didn't join in, but c'mon, leave my car alone, people!

It's a little strange how we've begun to describe people in terms that are not untrue but bleakly straightforward. Influencers. Consumers. Content creators. As if we are machines in the Matrix. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B HAS BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF PROMOTION. CONSUMER RECURRENCE RATE GREATER THAN 67 PERCENT  NOTED. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B, MATRIX DELEGATION "XxxSonicChronic69xxX" HAS BEEN PROMOTED TO INFLUENCER 451811. BEGIN MONETARY FUNCTION CODENAME "KICKBACK". 

Remember this?! From your childhood?! We brought it back! Did the reboot flop?! Don't worry we've got all the old merch back again! And in 5 years we'll try again! You stupid, stupid sheep! You even know we're cashing in on your childhood memories but your tiny little brains are hell-bent on snatching up every little tchotchke we put out! Consumers! CONSUME! See you in 10 years when your kid is watching the 6th Thundercats reboot, the new Harry Potter TV show, and the Lord of the Rings remakes and you have to hatewatch all of them.

It's 2020 dammit. Why don't I have a little drone that follows me around and can spot weld exactly where I want? I want a screwdriver that doesn't even have a handle. Place it on a screw and let it do the work in half a second. Companies have put most the R&D for their power tools into their own custom pieces, bits, and batteries. But if we standardized at least the batteries, we could start making smarter, safer tools. Or you can hire some Mexicans I guess.

All this and more on this week's episode! 2/3 of us are sick, so look forward to that! We've got voicemails, news, a challenge(?), and some movies to vote on. Join us on DISCORD to catch our colds or support us on PATREON!