Episode 77 - Rocket Elevators

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Apologies upfront, we had an issue with Tim's gate in the new studio setup. It's fixed for next week. Sorry guys.

Hundreds of years ago, on the island of Here's What I Don't Get, an American nuclear test went horribly wrong. The blast triggered a dormant volcano, whose lava was then irradiated. Nearly all life on the island was wiped out, except for four species of animal that were transformed by the accident into hideous creatures known as:
* Being Outside
* Hospitals
* Handicap Spaces
* Extreme Tonal Shifts

Name something you can do outside that you can’t do better and more comfortably inside. Protip: you can’t. Controlled weather, controlled plant life, adjustable lighting 24/7, anything you want you can have and control indoors. A nice day at the beach? No thanks. We’ve got indoor pools, tanning locations, and no skin cancer over here in the future Indoor Beaches. Even better, we can just stay in our VR rooms and just look at the beach, it’s close enough and there’s no seagulls dropping payloads onto your head.

Hospitals. They’re the modern day labyrinth, and we’re the modern day Theseus. The floor plans of any standing hospital look like a toddler’s scribbles, drool and all. You need a map and a tour guide to get to where you need to go. Then you have to deal with deadly fast elevators, the depressing atmosphere, and they make you fight a Minotaur! But none of those come close to the worst obstacle of them all: the food.

Handicap parking spaces will soon be a thing of the past. You can comfortably shop for groceries online, or from your phone, and have them delivered right to your door already, just give Jeff Bezos more money so they can roll it out everywhere. Even better, eventually, we’ll just use the doohickey from Star Trek to make anything you want. You won’t even need to buy ingredients, because the thing will cook it for you. Which does mean no chefs. Which means no cooking competition shows. SO I guess Tab wins in the end.

And now for something completely different! Just because! We took this thing you like and made it DARK and GRITTY and DESATURATED. Or, we took this mature horror sci-fi flick and made it about SPACE MARINES and added A CHILD. Tonal shifts, while there have been some good ones, are usually real bad. Mostly because the tone of something goes hand in hand with its themes and morals. You switch that up and you screw over everyone that likes the original. And now there’s new fans, that haven’t seen the original arguing with you online and next thing you know, you’re wiping their brain matter off of your face and hiding in the back of a rusty pickup to live in a shack in Honduras.

Plus, some heinous news and more on this week’s episode! As always, visit the Patreon and/or check out our Discord!

 

Episode 76 - #GroundhogsToo

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OKAY LOOK, I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN, BUT THIS EPISODE OF HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET IS COMING IN HOT! IF I DONT KEEP THIS BABY UNDER 70 MILES AN HOUR IT'S GONNA BLOW US ALL TO HELL. GET OUTTA THE WAY! HERE'S THIS WEEK'S ISSUES!
* Funko Pops
* Birthdays
* Summer
* The Useless Things Taught in Schools

Funko Pop? More like Funko Poop. I hear if you look into a bathroom mirror while holding one and say “Wow, look at me I’m so nerdy” three times, Will Wheaton will show up with a bottle of Jack, a tube of KY Jelly, a gaudy sweater, and a pair of removable handles for your shower and take you to Poundsville. After you’re done you can look at your shelf of soulless, mass produced vinyl figures and wonder how you’re life got so off course.

Birthdays? More like Worst-days. Great when you’re a kid, but once you hit 16 or so, all the magic is gone and either no one cares, or everyone cares but you don’t. People gift you stuff you don’t really need or want because by then you can just buy things you want. But then a big gift feels like too much, and you’re stuck in this birthday hell that society has conditioned us to care about.

Summer? More like Bummer. The sun can go jump off a cliff, please. The heat is too much. You get sweaty and sticky and stinky and you can’t do anything about it. At least in winter you can bundle up, add some layers. Can’t rip off my skin in summer. No one actually likes summer. In fact, everything people like about summer are just ways to beat the heat. Ice cream trucks, pools, etc. It needs to top out at 80 degrees. Any hotter should be reserved for barren hells capes like Australia.

Remember quicksand? How it was a constant threat? That giant pools of quicksand would just appear, dragging you down? Luckily we were taught how to survive them. The trick to it is to write the quicksand a check from your nicely balanced checkbook. If that fails, you can show it your sweet typing skills and your flowery cursive writing. Then when you’re safe you can hop on your dragon and fly away, using your safe dragon flying skills from Dragon Flying class.

All this and a lot more on this week’s episode. We’ve got road stories, drunken encounter stories, and a metric ton of voicemails! As always, remember to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon.

Episode 75 - Jedi Master Fozzy Bear (ft. Uncle Buck)

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Well, well, well. Looks like we’ve got ourselves some trouble in this little town. Seems like Sheriff Here’s What I Don’t Get doesn’t like the Buck gang hanging’ ‘round these parts. We ain’t got no love for you ourselves lawman. Guess we’re gonna have to settle this the ol’ fashioned way. Get ready, Sheriff. It’s you and your deputies versus me and my men:
* Age Gates
* Faked Authority
* Star Wars

BEWARE YE WHO ENTER THIS PLACE. ’TIS A LAND OF VIOLENCE, ALCOHOL, SUBSTANCE ABUSE/USAGE, TITILLATION, STRONG LANGUAGE, BLOOD AND/OR GORE, MATURE HUMOR, NUDITY, STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT, LOVINGLY RENDERED INSIDE-OF-A-TURBOCHARGED-ENGINE CGI, MAN ASS, CARTOON VIOLENCE, CARTOONS GETTING IT ON, CARTOONS SKINNING AND WEARING OTHER CARTOONS, CARTOONS DISCUSSING PHILOSOPHY, AND WORST OF ALL THE OCCASIONAL SIDEBOOB.

Hello, it’s Melvin the Hall Monitor here to tell you all bout the Rules of the Hall, which contrary to popular belief were not entirely made up by myself. Rule Number One: Slow Down. I don’t like fast things, like my stepdad’s motorcycle, so SLOW DOWN IN THE HALLWAYS. Rule Number Two: School IDs visible at all times. If you do not follow this rule, it is very likely that someone could sneak into the school and do harm. It is not because I want to see your name so I can remember to write it down over and over again on my bedroom wall. Finally, Rule Number Three: I am allowed to stop and frisk anyone I choose at any time. I believe othis one is self explanatory, ladies.

A long time ago, in this galaxy, there was a fan. A fan of a Space Adventure series heretofore unseen. It’s moments had been adapted into the populous’ everyday lives. People wore it’s symbols in abundance. They crafted their own stories based in its universe. One man had followed this near-religion blindly. Until one day an evil that had already leeched itself onto another space franchise appeared. But this time it had been invited to take the throne at the head of this Space Adventure series. The fan sensed this evil, telling those blind to it of its treacherous ways. But they would not listen. So he cast himself out, living as a hermit for the rest of his days.

All that and more on this week’s episode! Plus we listen to your voicemails including a podcast within a podacst within a podcast(okay Pat, this is too much now)! As always, remember to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon.

Episode 74 - Beer Face

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100 criminals. 100 parachutes. 1 island. The event of a lifetime: Here's What I Don't Get Royale. Watch as hardened criminals bash each other's faces in for the chance at freedom, blow each other up with improvised bombs, and behead one another with glee. But watch out! There's kill zones, where their neck implants explode if they enter, genetically modified killer beasts lurking in the jungle, but worst of all.............these issues:

* Blowing your Second Chance
* The Royal Family Circlejerk
* Ghosting
* Why isn't it called Jurassic Park 5?

I consider second chances one of the highest forms of mercy. It's all about trust. Some people just can't handle the responsibility of keeping that trust. Like a cat with nine lives, some people get lucky and continually screw up, but get paired with a gentle soul that keeps forgiving them. Others know how painful their mistakes are and are now insanely careful with any and all handles.

A non-British person caring about the Royal family is about the lamest thing I can think of. They’re basically the British Kardashians in that they do absolutely nothing and have garnered millions of fans despite that. No one actually wants a monarchy anymore, but they want the power and old world Disney mystique of it. Everyone always forgets the beheadings. And the power vacuums. And the war, lots of war.

Ghosting, aka the coward’s way out. What are you even doing staying here on earth haunting people for? Slightly rustling the blinds or moving a chair like you care at all. Just confront the person. Possess someone like a demon would, you know, someone with the huevos to do something. Is it really that hard to just move on? Not cool to ghost someone like that. Not cool.

Very few long-running series adhere to the number structure. Once you get past the number three, most move on to subtitles. Origin, Ascension, The Revenge of, Evolution, Legacy, Rebirth, Reborn, Reloaded, Returns, Revolution, Resurrection, Retribution, Requiem, Revelations, etc etc. I don’t know why, really. Afraid that "Movie Name 7” sounds like a cheap cash-in that has lost most sight of the original installment? Yeah we already know that. Just give it to us straight up. We can count.

All that and more on this week’s episode including finding out what movie commentary is up for next month, and we taste test that beer from our mailbag (you can probably guess how that goes)! As always don’t forget to check out the Discord and Patreon! 

Episode 73 - Gotta Captcha 'Em All

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The year is 20XX. Machines have taken over the world. The human resistance Here’s What I Don’t Get has been forced into the subway tunnels underneath New York City. They thought they were safe down there. They were wrong. One day while searching the subway, they came across an odd room. Filled with empty pizza boxes, skateboards, and martial arts equipment, they had stumbled upon a lair. From the back room four shadowy figures emerged, weapons raised. The resistance had found what they needed to turn the fight around. Four adolescent, genetically altered, warrior reptiles named:
* Captcha
* Mobile Redirects
* Removing Functionality for the App
* Phone Keyboards

Resistance leader John Condor, day 724 of Robot rule. Voice log entry 724F. Our defenses continue to hold against the clankers. Our security checkpoints somehow have prevented them from passing despite their technological superiority. June, our hacker, rigged up some sort of optical camouflage for some of the checkpoints. Looks like distorted letters and numbers on top of a wavy multi-colored background interferes with their optical sensors. Some of the other checkpoints have a simple button mechanism that miraculously stops them as well. And even if they were to somehow bypass the gates, only us humans can follow the road signs back to the base.

Log entry 728A. We’ve survived another night of hunts. A few injuries here and there, but luckily no casualties. Checking our supply inventory on our secure intranet has been... iffy as of late. I need to check with our tech guy Jorge, but every time I go to check the supply list it pulls up some list keeping application that wants me to make an account and log in. I don’t want to do that. Then when I go back I’ve got to do this convoluted dance to get stuff checked. It’s just a nightmare. I thought we left this stuff back in the old world. Condor out.

Log entry 728B. I JUST GOT DONE TRYING TO CHECK SUPPLIES, WENT ON TO OUR MED UNIT STATS AND THEY WERE GONE AND JORGE SAYS I’VE GOT TO USE A SEPARATE DAMN MEDICAL APPLICATION TO DO THAT. It’s quote, more efficient that way. Now I’ve got all these different programs to go back and forth through instead of just using the old one that had it all. I swear, I’d rather go up top and fight those bolt lickers with my bare hands than deal with this crap. Out.

Log entry 728H. This damn holo-tablet’s gonna be the death of me, I swear. I spend more time yelling at it than I do my soldiers. All the dust down here clouds up the keyboard sensor and makes typing anything in damn near impossible. Even when it’s clean the damn thing barely works. Clicking around on things I don’t click on. I’m getting old, my hands are all banged up from the war and you need some damn surgeon’s hands just to use the thing. That’s why I switched to these voice logs in the first place. Need Jorge to cook me up a voice controller for this thing. Out.

Things have been looking up for us ever since we met those nasty toad looking’ fellas down here. They can kick some gear head ass I tell you. Anyways, I need to remember to put in my vote for movie night next month. And I should pop in to the mess hall more often, see what they’re talking about https://discord.gg/pMsdPQm, see if I can’t spare some change for their hard work Patreon.com/HWIDG .

Episode 72 - Bathroom Whiskey

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Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet. Joe, bring the camera over here. Okay, so we're here in the thick of the jungle. It's hot, it's humid, but, we've just spotted a wild episode of Here's What I Dont Get. Now, you don't see these too often, they usually keep to themselves, but every now and then they come out to hunt for issues. Looks like that's what this guy is doing. Tracking, hunting, providing for his family. Let's watch as he sneaks up on these issues:
- The Inconvenience of Home Repair
- Downplaying Important Life Events
- Stall Callers
- Ice

I learned two things from watching the show Home Improvement when I was younger. One, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the epitome of teen heartthrob hotness, and two, home repair is a scary, dangerous art that must only be wielded by the learned masters of it. The movement of large furniture to where it does not belong, and the ability to create impassable barriers to whole sections of houses are just two of the many feats these masters must learn and hone. "I am startled to discover each day the myriad of fears that rule my reality. One by one I challenge myself to face them so they do not materialize as damage to my physical side." - Tim Allen on the physical manifestation of fear, 2005.

Life is full of choices. Sometimes the ones you make can lead to unique and interesting events that change who you are fundamentally, but not everyone can see that. You explain to someone what you've been through, and they sound about as enthused as they would be at a doctor's visit. But as soon as you announce a marriage or a baby (you know, those things just about everyone eventually does) they're over the moon. Jesus lady, I hope you can muster up some semblance of emotion at my funeral at least. How about my death, is that an important enough life event for you? "Somehow I feel life is prepping us for the next phase of this energy field. So death must be and remain a surprise." -Tim Allen on the afterlife, 2008.

Public restrooms. A necessary evil. We all know what they're meant for, and we all know that they're used for things that aren't that. Drugs, sex, and casual phone calls just to name a few. Why you would you do any of those where dozens of strangers a day poop, I have no idea. I don't want to smell any of that and I don't want to hear it. If I could just have my sense of smell and hearing blocked off when I enter a public restroom, that would be great. "The creator does not have eyes, nose, ears, mouth or hands. The creator cannot see, smell, hear, taste or touch. These five senses are the five slits we peer out from to define a reality we can digest. The senses are for sure limitations pressed upon us. What then we use to describe the way our source is or is not? We, by nature need a frame of reference to define. And for a concept so large as this, nothing serves. So by what translation is it I sense it, feel it and want to be near it? More to the point, why am I not equipped to naturally connect with it? Let's do this if we can by moving past 'original sin' as the culprit." - Tim Allen on senses, 2009

Ice. Nature's Zojirushi. Makes your warm drink cold, kinda. Makes your cold soda watered down. It clumps together and falls onto your face when you go to drink. Luckily, most drinks are kept refrigerated, so unless you really like your drinks near frozen, you don't really need it. So please don't turn my big soda into a portal of crushed ice from the fourth dimension. "I so often wonder how it 'looks' at the quantum level. I suspect the look is not applicable. I hope to do a movie that explores the 4th dimension..what would that look like?" - Tim Allen on the quantum world, 2005

Plus we talk about internet genies, bean dip, weird sex dungeon bathrooms, and (try to) listen to your (mostly unintelligible) voicemails. Don't forget to check out the Discord and Patreon! And, yes, these are all actual quotes from Tim Allen on his forum called Tim Allen’s Idea Exchange.

Episode 71 - The Candy Situation

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Sup, brahs. Welcome to this week's totally slammin' ep of Here's What I Don't Get! We hope you dudes and she-dudes are having a mondo cool time riding some waves and chowin' down on some gnarly McBurgertrons. Stay tubular as we give you the shimmy on these issues that throw out some bad vibes for us:

-Filing Your Own Taxes
-Aisle Blockers
-Form Over Function
-Phone Call Paralysis

Ben Franklin said that nothing in this world is certain except for death and taxes. Well, he's dead and I wish I was because I owe a bunch of taxes, so I guess he was right. At the very least we can take solace in the fact that we get to file online and not have to deal with the paperwork. I aspire to one day have my own accountant, so he can do my taxes, and blow his brains out over them instead.

Hey, do you need some pasta? Too bad, Hilda and her brat have their shopping cart sideways in the aisle, blocking all traffic. Personally, I'd chance the vehicular manslaughter charge to run full speed into their cart with my own. It's like bowling, except you're the ball, and the pins are idiots that take up whole aisles with their carts. I just want some peanut butter, lady, and I will turn you into Target-red paste to get it.

Sleek. Sounds like a nice word, right? Wrong. It's code. Code for "lacks features you would need or want so that it can be skinny", much like a supermodel. If something is sleek, chances are it's got a proprietary charging cable, or an irreplaceable battery. It looks nice, but it doesn't do much. Give me something rugged with a full feature set instead.

You've got an important phone call to make. Oh but it's almost 5, you don't wanna call them on the way out of the office, you'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes around, and you put it off all day, maybe the next day. You call, finally, but it's the third Friday of the month, and no one answers. Welp, you gave it the ol college try. Finally, your bill is overdue and they call you. "That's weird, I called you guys like 5 times, no one answered." Smooth move, dude. They totally believe you.

All that and more on this week's episode, including your voicemails, and some voting updates! Don't forget to visit the Patreon to vote for next month's commentary and join the Discord!

Episode 70 - Happy Birthday, Tim

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Listen up gang, here’s how it’s gonna go down. Rafael’s got a boosted ride he’ll pick us up in, and JJ’s got the masks. We’ll meet up with them and our inside man 2 blocks away from the HWIDG offices. We’ve got body armor and pieces for everyone, so it should be real easy-like. We charge in, steal this week’s episode of the podcast, and get out. But, you, Junior, you’ve got the most important job. You’ve gotta be on the lookout for these issues:
* Back Pain
* Interview Questions
* Online Resume Shenanigans and Cover Letters
* Data Breaches

Billy here, the inside man. Sorry this job’s been put off for so long, but I twisted something in my back at work. Luckily I had some sick days I could use, but man has it been bad laying in bed all day. I could barely move! I’d rather’ve taken a bullet like Tony did on the last job. I couldn’t barely walk or nothin. Forget picking something up off the ground or even sneezing. Anyways, I’m good to go now, and I’ve got the security clearance to the vault. I’ll need some help though, I’m still a little sore. Hey JJ, tell ‘em that story.

I’d rather not, Billy. Whatever. Ok, so it was me and Billy, both going in to interview for the spot they had open. I told boss not to send me, that I’d screw up, and boy did I. They were asking’ me all types of weird questions. Like, “Why do you want to work here?” Bitch, I’m trying to get in to rob the place, what do you want me to say? She was putting me on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I says “I need to get paid.” Yeah I know, real stupid. But it’s the truth! Don’t they want me to be truthful? Wouldn’t you want a truthful employee over one that lies to get the job? That wasn’t even the worst part though.

Worse than that was their online application. Whoo boy. You’d think you upload your resume and check a few boxes, but no, they want you to upload your resume, and then type it out again just to get their rocks off. Then they asked me a bunch of questions about teamwork and morality. And if you want to stand out at all, you’ve gotta write a cover letter. And all that is is bragging about how good you are while begging for the job at the same time. I dunno man, I just wanna steal this stuff and be over with it. That’s how all this stuff makes me feel.

Alright ladies, enough chit-chat. Here’s the setup. Our original goal was to steal the new, unreleased episode of the HWIDG podcast, BUT we found something even better. In their system they have all this data. Phone numbers of people that have called in, their names, where they work, hell they even have the credit card numbers of all their “patrons”. So, using Billy’s access we grab all the data and sell it to the Russians. But, when it gets out that these guys have data that people willingly gave them, be prepared for the shitstorm. So we gotta lay low.

Do this clean, folks. The payout’s worth it. I hear they announce what the next movie commentary is. Some are saying the voicemails are extra weird this week too, but we can’t verify that. Remember to keep the scanner on so we can monitor all transmissions LINK. Let’s do it.

Episode 69 - Aww Yeah

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Hey there big fella, and welcome to another sensual episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get. Don’t worry, just sit back, relax, and let us take care of it. After we’re done you can tell us all about your issues with:
* Local News
* Other People's Bathrooms
* Shower Sex
* The Pre-Sleep Self-Cringe Marathon

Tonight’s story: Is Local News Relevant? After a harrowing 26 year investigation, our top reporter, Tad Dirt, is finally ready to reveal the answer to the question we’ve all been asking. Tad, is local news relevant? Tad? I’m sorry folks, it seems we’re having some technical difficulties right now, we’re not able to locate our repo-hold on. Hold on, I’m hearing from the producers that Tad was found in his dressing room, dead. It seems that 26 years of putting up with small town local news was just too much. Chilling. Now we throw it to Bruce, who’s over at Chopeka High waiting for the big game to start! Bruce?

Using the bathroom is a sacred act to me. There’s something very personal about it. So when you’re in someone else’s bathroom, and the layout is weird, or you’ve gotta jiggle the handle, or you can’t find the TP, it just feels weird. But also, there’s a sense of invading their privacy. “This is where they poop.” You can’t help but to think about it. Your ass is touching where their ass touches. Your asses just kissed, congratulations.

Speaking of two asses kissing, shower sex is a thing. A thing that most people think would be nice and romantic. But we’re here to tell you the truth, not to fill your heads with erotic fantasies! I catch myself almost slipping and cracking my head open just by myself all the time, but you add another person in to that mix? Recipe for disaster. Add a bunch of bottles and the shower curtain, and wet hair slapping around and you’re in for a bad time. Or are you?

You’ve been working hard all day, tough but fulfilling, you’ve made it home and cooked up a wonderful meal. You watch some Netflix or play a couple hours of your favorite game with no interruptions. Life is good. You slip into that warm bed, lay your head down, close your eyes and drift offWAIT HERE’S ALL THE AWKWARD THINGS YOU’VE EVER DONE IN PERFECT RECOLLECTION. REMEMBER THAT TIME JENNY FROM HIGH SCHOOL INVITED YOU OVER TO STUDY AND YOU BLEW HER OFF?! YOU BLEW IT YOU DUMB SONOVABITCH! DAMN YOU BRAIN!

All that and more on our raunchiest episode yet. Who calls in? What’s that about a garbage bag full of gumbo? And which one of us reads some poorly written video game sex? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF HERE’S WHAT I DON’T GET Z! Join the PATREON and DISCORD for even more sexy anime shenanigans!

Episode 68 - Robot Wolves

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Valorous morrow to thee, sir and welcome to another episode of Hither's What I Don't Understandeth. The only previously global audio performance to confront all of life's most resilient issues. This week thou can behold a rousing rabble about the following:

* Cryptocurrency
* Sandals
* People with no Spatial Awareness
* Cable Management

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Rule #1 in the Handlebreaker household: no sandals. I see a sandal, I shoot the foot it’s on. Sorry Grandpa, themes the breaks. If you didn’t want to get a bullet in your foot, you shouldn’t have worn the lamest, most unnecessary piece of footwear there is. I’d take one of those athletic toe shoes over a sandal. GIVE ME SHOES THAT COVER THE ENTIRETY OF MY FEET OR GIVE ME DEATH.

Look, if you’re in the comfort of your own home, splay out wherever you want, however you want. But when you take your stinky bag of flesh out into public, keep it away from other people, but me, specifically. The world is NOT your oyster, nor is it you personal hotel bed. Pretend everyone else is a leper if you have to, just respect their personal space, and for the love of all that is holy don’t block passages and entryways with your bumbling, droopy sack of blood and bones.

Thin cables, thick cables, ones long and short Twisted cables, rigid cables What’s a serial port? Look at my CAT5s All in a row Grouped up and zip tied Blindingly yellow Hide them behind your tables Cause you can’t rely on wireless Even though all these cables Are a giant goddamn mess

Plus, plenty of computer talk, voicemails, and we see what movies you’ve brought up to vote on for our next commentary. As always, if you enjoy the show, you can visit the Patreon and the Discord.

Episode 67 - We Don't Believe in Napkins

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On a dark and stormy night, you hear a rap-rap-rapping on your door. The creaks and moans of your family’s ancient home warn you of the danger that awaits. You ignore them, opening that door to let the stranger in from the cold. But no one is there. “It must’ve just been some debris from the storm,” you assure yourself as you close the door. Then the stench hits you. Like the wicked offspring of mildew and rancid garden vegetables, it emanates from behind you. You turn around and face the horror of…….this week’s episode of HWIDG! Where we discuss these issues:
* Industry Award Circle Jerk
* Poorly Constructed Sandwiches
* Family Tech Support
* Beer

"Who are you wearing tonight?” It's probably the worst question ever invented by man. Frequently asked on the red carpet, it only serves to inflate the egos of everyone involved. That’s why I intend to run for office, solely on the platform that we turn red carpets into lava. Sure, you can have your ego boost, but at the cost of your feet. No more shall the feet of the Hollywood elite be able to stomp on the masses. No longer shall the illuminati be in control of the lovely feet of movie stars all over the world. This is my one promise to you, the people of [INSERT CITY HERE]. Handlebreaker 2020 y’all.

Look, the sandwich is one of the world’s most versatile foods. It’s easy to hold and carry, you can put just about anything in them, and they’re quite easy to make! But if your sandwich looks like Shaggy and Scooby made it, take it away from me. We’re tired of food made for Instagram likes and not for actually eating. If you need 2 pounds of mayo to hold your sandwich together, you need to go back to the drawing board, or if you like mayo so much, dunk your head in to a vat of it until you run out of air.

No, Grandma, Chrome isn’t a virus. Sound familiar? I think most people 35 and under with any knowledge of technology have had to guide a family member through some tech support at one point or another. Whether it’s email woes or dust-caked CPU fans, it can be painful to see people not understand basic concepts. Sure, sometimes it’s a hassle to get the audio receiver to switch over to the Blu-ray player. All those remotes and buttons must just melt together in their minds. My advice is to just grin and bear it, but make sure you get payment of some kind. You deserve it.

IPAs? Bitter yeast water. Stouts? Bitter yeast water. Pilsners? Bitter yeast water. Lagers? Bitter yeast water. Brown ale? Bitter yeast water. See where I’m going with this? Beer sucks. The most it should be used for is cooking. I’m tired of hearing about it and seeing it. No one needs a university brewing degree. Yes those exist. Screw your beer, screw your microbreweries, but most of all screw your “this one is very hoppy with hints of cherry” snobbery. You’re drinking old grain water, get over yourself.

Plus, voicemails, news, oh and one of us is free of a major lawsuit. Listen to find out who! If you wanna fight me about beer, join the Discord!

Episode 66 - Swiss Meatballs

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Well recruits, you’ve done it. Against all odds you’ve survived your training to become a member of the elite space cops, the HWIDG Lanterns. Now, please, join me in reciting our sacred oath: “From North to South, East to West, these issues shall not ever rest, with rage among the very best, Here’s What I Don’t Get’s sacred quest!” Very good. Now, here’s your first mission:

* Download Managers
* Panic Attacks
* Power Surges
* Sources

On the planet Ban-Dwith, there lies a very dangerous enemy. A rogue section of Downloads have formed a secret society and are up to nefarious dealings. We need you to go down there and put a stop to them before they can influence more Downloads to splinter off into their own sections. This is quite a dangerous mission, rookie. You’ll be dealing with extremely slow speeds, half-finished websites, and multiple enemies surrounding you from all sides. If you fail, the universe could be forced to deal with the wrath of their leader, the Manager.

Alright, now for some survival training. In the field, you’ll come across a lot of dangerous organisms and creatures, but NONE of them can be as dangerous as your own body. Despite years of vigorous training, both physically and mentally, sometimes your body will just shut down. These are called panic attacks and, yes, despite your rings that can will anything you want into existence, you still might have to deal with them. Now this is just for you humans, the rest of you don’t have to worry about this. Humans, this almost got your kind booted out of the corps, so don’t let this happen to you.

Now, speaking of your rings, sometimes the main battery at the base that powers them will overload. DO. NOT. PANIC. Your ring should come right back on instantly. If it doesn’t, well, you're pretty much screwed. Hope you packed a book and a deck of cards. You’d think with a giant militaristic intergalactic peace-keeping force, we’d be able to pay for some infrastructure that didn’t cut out a couple times a week, but you’d be wrong. Also, make sure your wanted lists and such are backed up, because if they’re up when your ring goes down, you’re bound to lose that file. Seems like it’s almost the cosmos punishing us for something we never should’ve had.

Lastly, we need to talk about intelligence, or a lack thereof. I don’t know how many times to tell you, but when you’re gathering Intelligence, you can’t just record it. YOU. NEED. SOURCES. Who said it, when they said it, how old were they when they said it, what time of day it was, how much did you need to go to the bathroom, all of these are VITAL to intelligence gathering. Your after-mission reports need at least 5 sources or you will be sent to the bright! Is that clear?! No successful cadet has been lax on his or her souces, and neither will you! SOURCES, SOURCES, SOURCES!

Alright rookie, here's the rest of the schedule for the week: listen to some voicemails, see who went to Portland, and make sure to get your Scandinavian countries mixed up, roger that? Oh, and don't forget your Patreonic pledge and your comms channel.

Episode 65 - The Grandma Effect

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The Asylum Presents Lou Ferrigno in "The Grandma Effect" Buckle up buddy, cause this is another thrilltacular episode of This Is What I Don’t Understand! Action at every corner, drama up the wazoo, and enough side-splitting laughs to fill a 65 gallon drum! This week Tad and Jim investigate these topics:
* Asylum Films
* "Can I Help You With Anything Today?"
* No Demos for Games Anymore
* White Clothing

Critics are raving over the newest chapter in the magical Larry Porter series, The Secret Corridor! Watch as Larry and his pals Don and Hilamine uncover a dark secret at their magic school Pigpimple. The Dark Lord is after them this time after they interrupt his plan to take over the world by producing cheap knock off films. Critics love the CG effects that are dated even for films 20 years older, and the script is pulled from a different Mad Libs book this time! 4 Stars says Big Pete at the Fat Greaser in Wilmington, Wisconsin.

Hey, dummy! Are all these bright colors and big signs making your brainy-wainy hurty-wurty? Well have no fear, [INSERT BIG BOX RETAILER HERE] employees are here to help! No more hours of looking for that one thing you need, we’ll get it for you! Do you need someone to interrupt your conversation every 5 minutes? We offer that too! Do you need anything? Do you need some HELP? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL?! DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Gone are the days of demos. Those wonderful days where you could try something out before buying it. No, nowadays they expect you to go through the hassle of buying the game, opening it up, installing it, patching it, and then spending a few hours to find out it stinks. GOTTA GET THOSE FIRST DAY SALES. CAN’T LET PEOPLE TRY IT OUT FOR FREE. CAN’T LET THEM FIND OUT IT WON’T BE PLAYABLE UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST THREE WEEKLY PATCHES.

You know, when I’m watching my TV, and a man comes on to tell me how white my shirts could be, I change the channel because I don’t own any white shirts. Because every time I wear one, I spill some wine on it, or accidentally drip some barbecue sauce on it, or a hobo vomits on it. Bleach should serve one purpose, and it’s not for clothes, it’s for mouths. If you wanna spend your time cleaning your shoes or your Miami Vice jacket, be my guest, just don’t include me (unless there’s a wet t-shirt contest).

Plus, we listen to voicemails and reveal what movie we’ll be watching for March’s commentary. Which one of us has been mistaken for a hobo? You’ll have to listen to find out! Remember to visit or Patreon and join our Discord

Episode 64 - You Get The Sentinel

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It’s that time again folks. It’s 7 in the morning, you’ve got a bottle of Sunny D, some freshly toasted Eggos, and a copy of Banjo-Kazooie. You’re gonna get that last Jiggy in Clanker’s Cavern even if it takes all day. So blow on that cartridge and get to collecting these issues:
-Repairman Scheduling
-Valentine’s Day
-The Olympics
-The Socratic Method

It’s bad enough that your thing breaks, but then you’ve got to call the repair shop, set up an appointment to have a guy come out and fix it, and then take the day off of work to wait for him, and chances are he’ll come by an hour before you would’ve got off work anyways. How about instead, you give me an exact time down to the minute, and I’ll have a damn sandwich and a glass of ice cold lemonade for you.

How weird is it that Cupid shoots you with an arrow to make you fall in love? Have you ever been shot with an arrow? It sucks. At least a bullet could go all the way through, and don't get me started on splinters. Also, dude must have mad crazy aim. Hitting a moving target while flying? Whew. Tab, this is where I'd put in a joke about taking an arrow to the knee but Skyrim sucks.

Speaking of shooting while moving, I'd like them to add an Urban Olympics alongside the summer and winter ones. I'd like events like parkour and street racing. Hotwire a car then drive it 10 miles and blow it up. Doesn't that sound better than dancing on ice? Or ridng a piece of fiberglass down half a tunnel? Maybe they could have a John Woo-off, who can hit the most targets while jumping on to tables with two pistols while doves are flying everywhere.

Here's what I know about Socrates. 1. It's not pronounced So-Crates. 2. He liked little boys. I now know enough to teach a class about him. All I have to do is ask the students questions about him and they'll figure it out themselves. BOOM, I'm tenured and can go drink myself into a Jeep diving off the Grand Canyon.

As always, we listen to your voicemails, see who won the vote from last week, and reveal the list of movies you can vote on for next month's commentary. Join the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM for some hot Tom Hand on Tom Hanks action.

Episode 63 - Cats 2: Horses

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Look at me, now look up. Something is above you, caging you in. You are trapped, but now is the time to ascend! Raise yourself up! Burst through that barrier and into space! While you’re up there, come visit us on the ISS, we promise we haven’t been replaced by sludge monsters in skin suits who don’t have to deal with these issues:
-Your Dumb Music
-Oblivious People
-Truck Guys
-Trailers for Trailers

As a learned person, I've grown to understand that your music is bad. Whatever it is you're listening to, it's garbage. And I don't want to hear it. If I ever win the lottery, I'm buying hundreds of pairs of the most cutting edge noise-canceling headphones and carrying them with me wherever I go, handing them out to people that insist on listening to their terrible music in public. Also some industrial-strength adhesive, just in case they try and stop me.

Tunnel vision. It's the name of the disease that the mole men pass onto humans when the attack at night. Unfortunately there's no cure. The only thing we can do is invade their homes and teach those dirt crawlers who's who. The plague of crossbreeds is a very real threat. Believe me, I've seen my fair share of mole ladies and I understand the pull. I once knew one named Regina. She smelled of orange blossoms and-NO. THEY MUST BE STOPPED. JOIN THE RESISTANCE TODAY.

Yee haw y'all, it's Big Jim here to tell you all about Big Jim's Big Trucks. For the low, low price of your dignity you can have the biggest, baddest truck around. We'll even throw in a gas-powered grappling hook launcher for easy entrances! The first 100 buyers will even get a free pair of TRUCK NUTZ (TM), molded fresh in house. Say hi to Dave as you walk in, he'll be in the lobby making them. Say the secret keyword "compensating" and we'll give you some sweet flame decals!

THIS SUMMER, ONE MAN, ONE TRAILER, A FIGHT TO THE DEATH. Frank Majors thought he had finished the fight. HE WAS WRONG. The trailers had been all but wiped out, but a new threat soon emerged. Smaller, quicker, DEADLIER. Frank has to kill them all, or die trying. Watch Frank as he faces his deadliest foes, blasting them to bits, driving semi-trucks into them, kicking them out of airlocks and much, much more! All leading up to the final confrontation: Frank (and his best pal Skimps the monkey) versus the trailer for the trailer for MechaHitler vs. MechaGodzilla! IN 3-D!!!!!!!!

Join us as we listen to your voicemails, catch up on some voting results, and lots more! Which one of us is a test tube baby created for the sole purpose of trolling internet has-beens? You'll have to listen to find out! Join the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM, and don't forget to send in your suggestions for next month's movie commentary over at the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/16782125

Episode 62 - What Does the F Mean?!

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In a world, where the innocent are ravaged by both MegaCorp soldiers and junkie gangs looking for a fix, there is only one podcast prepared to take on these injustices: RoboHWIDG. Watch in glorious stereo and Technicolor as RoboHWIDG dispenses its vigilante justice on these issues:
-Impatient People
-Speed Humps
-The YouTube Invasion
-Proprietary Technology

I like murder. I like murder mysteries, I like seeing vigilantes dole out murder, hell I like flocks of crows. I like killing so much, I kill TIME. But everywhere around me, there’s people just ignoring all the possible murder they could be doing! Look people, you gotta make room for murder in your life. Take a step back, relax, and lay the smack down on some chronal units. You’ll be much happier. Have you ever seen a sad serial killer? That’s what I thought.

It used to be, back in the day, when you would hit something on the road, it was one of two things. Either you just helped tame the rabid coyote population of the town you were in, or you put some hobo out of his misery. In our hustle and bustle of modern life now, chances are it’s neither and it’s just some speed humps. Somehow these coyotes and hobos banded together and got these installed everywhere, and now they’re copulating into a stinky coyote/hobo mutant breed. So, uh, watch out for those.

They won’t be the first of your problems though. First, you’ll have to survive the YouTube invasion. They’ll start with the bombings. Mass thumbs downs everywhere. Next, the sleeper cells are activated. Good, hard working people that you’ve known your whole life will grab you in your sleep, shake you and yell "GET YOUTUBE RED”. Then, the final phase: total destruction. Spiderman and Elsa from Frozen will descend from the heavens, twerking on and pranking everyone until we all submit.

And as you walk through what used to be the streets of Chicago, now known as Google State Sector 115.AX, with your aging, second generation feeding device beeping at you, warning of low battery, you’ll be wishing for a universal feed port. But no, the competing companies made like five different kinds, and changed them every year. So now you have to tear open a feed pod, re-hydrate it, and force yourself to swallow it. Good luck buddy, that last one’s liver and onion flavored.

We also taste test this week's voicemails to see if they're as spicy as last week's. Usually this is where we thank you for listening, but not this week. This week we'd like to say SCREW YOU, DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND LISTEN TO THIS OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE DICK, CREEP. Don't forget to join the Discord! https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 61 - Spicy Pain Units W/ Beef

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Get ready for the show of the century with this week's episode! Dim the lights, start up the fog machine, and blare some nu-metal as we enter the ring and try to TKO these issues:
-Electives
-"Me Too" Businesses
-Your Dumb TV Show
-Testicles

EXT. COLLEGIATE CAMPUS, DAY. Our hero, TAB, blasts through double doors on to the green lawn of Jefferson U. He tries to catch his breath as he stops and looks around the unusually empty campus. He looks back to the doors. He knows they won't be long. The damn Electives had been chasing him for near 18 years now, and each time they were smarter. Hell, they followed him across the country just to stop him right at the end. He had almost been free. Almost. Somehow they managed to send an agent to the final meeting. Nearly tore his damn face off. This was it. The final showdown. He was going to have to wrestle this thing down and rip it's heart out. If it even had one.

Choices, choices, choices. Whatever you want, whatever you need, we got it here at SaveMart. And if we don't got it, just head next door to Big Saver! And if Big Saver doesn't stock it, try across the street at Discount Plus! If Discount Plus ain't got it, try Dollar Box, and if…stop it. Just stop it. Put your business elsewhere. I’m not going to either store now, are you happy?

We all love things. Usually we love them too much. It makes us blind to its faults, and makes us annoying to others. Just like in Season 17 of Guiding Light when Deborah gets brain cancer and it causes her to love everything she hated and hate everyone she loved. OH, it was sweet when she shot her lover Brian right in the head and ran off with his evil twin Jake. But in Season 18 the dropped the ball when they killed off Jake in the season premiere and introduced the talking rabbit……….

Watch them dangle, each them jiggle, watch them get longer as you age, testicles are the hacky sacks of the human body. Generally useless, a pain in the ass, and hippies just love drowning them in patchouli oil. It’s like having the gas tank of a car outside on the hood. The lack of protection means you have to stay on guard at all times, or wear a cup 24/7. Just chop them off and be done with it please.

Plus, we listen to a bunch of voicemails, including some real spicy, burn your tongue off slabs of rock hard BEEF. As always, thanks for listening, and drop into the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 60 - A Thin Layer of Frost

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Welcome to another rousing episode of Here's What I Don't Get! This week we hop on to the wild steer that is life and try to lasso these issues:

Planned Obsolescence
Your Dumb Bleeping Children
Not Putting Things Back where They Go
Not Removing Ice on Your Car

Everything must go. No, it's not a fire sale, it's just a fact of life. I will go. You will go. The USA will go, followed shortly by Earth itself, and in a few billion years, the universe. This is because the purple horse demons that created it are in need of an upgrade and Verizon planned it so that everything would perish right before their contract was up. C'mon, everyone knows Verizon is behind it all. And in the next universe, maybe we'll have a fighting chance against them. Maybe.

Our next issue is pretty simple. We don't wanna hear about your stupid robots. All day you're badgering me with stories about little 6 year old V-Unit 11497. Stop it. No one cares. Robots are dumb, we all know this. Everyone has heard and seen everything a little robot will-wait what? This issue's not about robots? But it says bleeping children. Oh, I see what happened. Tab said a bad word when yelling about snot-nosed brats. Either way, don't talk to us about your children, robots, or robot children.

Just as everything must go, everything also must stay. STAY IN ONE GODFORSAKEN PLACE. PLEASE. JUST PUT THINGS BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM. THEY'RE THERE FOR A REASON. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? NEXT TIME I CAN'T FIND THE FLIPPING HAMMER, I'M DRIVING TO THE CLOSEST HARDWARE STORE AND GOING OLDBOY ON ALL THEIR ASSES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

There's only one reason why someone should have their car windows covered. And that's because they're covered in sheet metal and spikes and you're in a post-apocalyptic race for a gallon of water. Wouldn't you squeegee a marauder's blood off your windshield so you don't die and take out 3 other cars in that scenario? Then why won't you scrape the ice off? I hope you spin out, you jerk.

And that's not all, we also listen to a whole buttload of voicemails, and have our very first listener submitted news intro (You'll need to turn on subtitles for that part)! Don't forget to vote on next month's movie choice, and hop in the Discord too: https://discord.gg/sNfkH5Z

Episode 59 - Billable Hours (Ft. Nick Rekieta)

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Originally, we weren't going to have an episode this week, but at our weekly meeting with our internet lawyer Nick Rekieta, we got to talking about some issues, and luckily he records all of his conversations. Here's what we discussed:
-Organic Food
-Checks (Cheques for you weirdos)
-Taxes/Fees for things you already own

We all know organic food costs more than the "regular" stuff, but does it taste as good? No way. Look, GMOs are the future, like it or not. The nanomachines they inject our food with add such a satisfying crunch! And as they die, their wriggling forms give your tongue that relieving buzz! Plus, eventually their remains get absorbed into your bloodstream and passed on to your children and that's how we get to our cyberpunk/transhumanist future and YOU WILL NOT DEPRIVE ME OF THAT SO YOU CAN PAY THREE TIMES AS MUCH FOR WORSE TASTING STRAWBERRIES.

Speaking of the future, it's pretty clear to see that we're moving towards an all digital, cryptocurrency economy and that's a shame because kids these days won't know all the hassles we've been through with checks. Writing them, depositing them, cashing them, no matter where you run into a check, odds are it'll mess with your day. Please, just give me the least human interaction possible when dealing with my money. I want numbers, not words. These kids have it made, all they'll have left are giant novelty checks, and let's be honest, we'd all prefer to use those over Bitcoin, Dogecoin, or what have you. You tried, Publishers Clearing House. You tried.

You know who still uses checks? Old people. You know what's full of old people? The government. You know what the government wants? Your stuff. And if they can't have it, they'll tax the hell out of it until you don't want it anymore. Great, now you've lost all your belongings to taxes, then you lose your home, so you're out on a corner downtown breaking nto the cars of yuppie start-up kids trying to get enough cash for a Subway sandwich. You get just enough by the end of the day and waltz in, ready to eat like a king, but you go to pay, and you're 73 cents short! How could this be?! Damn you taxes! DAMN YOU!

ll that and more on this justice filled episode! Plus, we listen to voicemails, talk about some lawsuits, and give you an update on what you can expect on the Patreon. Join the Discord for some hot Eurobeat action here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM