Episode 107 - J for Jesus

Welcome back folks, to Here's What I Don't Get, America's favorite game show! I'm your host Chip Folksworth, and boy do we have a show for you. Tonight, we begin by welcoming back last week's contestant, who is on a five week run, it's Brian! Go ahead and wheel him out, Jim! Now, Brian can't quite see or hear anymore, so we've got a handy-dandy translator spelling into his palm. Thanks, Janice. Now, tonight, Brian has reached Level 9! And as we all know, Level 9 is the......RUSH ROUND! That's right, Brian is going to have to complete all eight previous challenges as fast as he can, all while avoiding The Decimator! So, Brian, are you ready to do the Destruction Derby, Home Run Challenge, Piranha Speed Swim, CIA Torture Rally, Ice Cream Marathon, Bomb Defusal, Nose Hair Pluck, and Napalm Slip N' Slide all over again?! No? Now Brian, remember, you've got the chance to win $2,500. No? Well, that's it folks! Back to Guantanamo he goes! Rich, tell the folks what he's won:

* Risk Aversion
* Fire Alarms
* Patio Eating
* Bad Trailer Music

Daredevils. Risk-takers. Everyone wants to be one, but nobody wants to be one, you dig? Humans are genetically programmed to want safety. To want routines. The second something interferes with that, you get a buzzing at the back of your skull that warns you. Don’t make that phone call, don’t meet that person, don’t dye your hair. Fear of the unknown paralyzes us into non-action, scared of consequences that will, in all likelihood, never come. Now that you are armed with this knowledge, go! Go out into the world and say YES to whatever it may be. But first maybe finish binging that Netflix show. And its Third Season. And the spin-off. Okay, maybe just stay indoors forever.

FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE! Did you get up out of your chair and run to the nearest exit? No? Why not? Not exciting enough? Well, most fire alarms are just about as effective. Unless you’ve got the demon-in-a-box that Tim has. That’s what every building needs to switch to, a demon in a box. Literally. If a literal demon burst into your office smelling of brimstone, yelling at the top of its lungs, you’d HAUL ASS out the nearest door. 

What’s a patio good for? Nothing. We’re evolved beings. We literally invented ways of building shelter just to not have to eat in the rain. So you tell me you want to eat out on the patio? In the sun and heat? With bugs everywhere? Where cars just zoom by, sending CO2 directly down our throats? On uncomfortable metal chairs? Are you out of your mind? How about I have the chef come out and cook your food directly on the sidewalk? Is that outside enough for you? Enjoy your gravel omelette.

The music in a trailer makes or breaks the experience. Sure you could watch a trailer muted and get 50% of the enjoyment, but the other 50% is brought by that music. So, when something you’re looking forward to really drops the ball on matching the music to the action, it can be a real bummer. Whether it’s mismatched energy, or another hackneyed, slow, depressing cover of an otherwise great pop song, you’re losing sales.

Plus more on this salsa-filled episode! We’ve got this month’s movie commentary nominees, your voicemails, crazy news and more! As always, check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more phat lifted trucks.

Episode 106 - Apex Predators

Nature. Man’s deadliest foe. Though he had conquered it by the early 21st century, that was before the ravaging. Before the collapse of civilized societies. Now, man is outmatched. Take for instance, the deadly chipmunk. Small though it may be, it can be as vicious on land as the king of the ocean, the mighty manatee. Foraging poisonous legumes during the day, and feeding on them to gain invulnerability at night, we can only guess how many thousands of us are killed each year. Stories are told of this next animal moving in swarms of hundreds in the sky. Though now extinct, we can only surmise by its skeleton, the fearsome cat once ruled the Earth. Current scholars in 2322 are still befuddled what they did fall prey to. Was it some disease? Or did early Ravaging-era humans overcome all odd and defeat these monstrous flying beasts? It seems we’ll never know. On next week’s holovid, join us as we take a look at ancient pre-Ravaging rituals like:

* Upstagers
* Consequences after the Credits
* The Tumblr Ban
* Vegans

Someone’s always got it worse than you. Or better. That’s just how it is. In nearly every group of people, someone has to be the upstager. You went on a vacation cruise? Oh yeah, well they went on a cruise that turns into a submarine and they found the lost city of Atlantis. You feel a little sick, might take off work tomorrow? Well, they’re running a fever of 109 and can’t feel the left side of their body and might take a year or two off. There’s only one kind of person who can never be upstaged: an astronaut. That’s right, anyone tries to upstage you? Well….you walked on the moon.

The credits roll. Now what? Maybe a funny post-credits gag, maybe a tease for the sequel, but what happens to everyone? Action or horror movie? There’s dead people everywhere. Blood and gore spewed about. The police are gonna believe that some dream demon with knife-hands and a nice sweater killed all these teenagers? Yeah, good luck with that. They’re gonna put the neighborhood weirdo on trial instead. FBI agent really isn’t gonna get hounded for killing dozens of terrorists in the most extreme way possible? Why didn’t you call in for backup Doug? We had three whole SWAT teams at the wait for you. I can’t believe it.

I’m sorry, this is a christian server. Put your filth elsewhere. Tumblr’s new slogan! Once known for filthy gifs and horny sketches of the brothers from Supernatural doing very un-brotherly things, now it’ll be known as dead. Even if the people that use it just to share funny gifs of their favorite shows would stay, they held a giant party celebrating the burning of all their bridges. But for now, until those Green Lantern/Sonic shippers find somewhere else to argue, you can have some fun looking at all the mundane things their system has flagged as NSFW.

Vegans? More like ME-gans, because being vegan consumes you. It’s like vampirism except lame. You have to constantly think about where you’re gonna get your next meal if it’s not at home. You have to make sure nothing has even touched a bit of silver or garlic. It goes from being your diet to being your personality. Your reflection disappears, you gain the ability to turn into both a wolf and a swarm of bats, you constantly have to fight off members of the Richter family, you can fly and set stuff on fire and command humans with your mind, wait- this is starting to sound pretty sweet. BRING ON THE KALE!

And more on this weeks episode! Voicemails, news, and imitations abound! Thanks for all of you that support the show, and if you haven’t already you can check us out on PATREON and DISCORD.

Episode 105 - Wonderwall 4 Jesus

Come with me on a journey. A journey to a place where everyone is sick, the ground is littered with used tissues, noses are red, and your box of medicine constantly looks like it's been ransacked. A land of broth and cracker meals, and muscles too weak to carry body to the shower. This is Flu and Cold season. Buckle up and see how long my eyes can fight this Benadryl. Oh also we talk about this stuff on the podcast:

* Clothes Sizing
* Corporate Communal Property
* Christian Rock
* Lego Ghostbusters Woes

Clothes don't fit. You need new ones but the sizes. They're all crazy people. Too short too long, tight here but not there why? Just make the shirts the same sizes. And the pants.

The scooters are everywhere. On the streets getting the childrens hooked on scooting. I am declaring war on anybody who rents scoots to the community. If I catch you renting scoots I will not consider you a brother nor a friend.

Rockin for Jesus ain't cool. You're not making Jesus cool, you're making rock lame. Please don't rock 4 Jesus unless one of those Christian rock labels give you lots of money, then sing about great he is and that he loves you and you get on your knees and " praise" him. But haha it's not Jesus it's some dude named Craig.

Please make the Ghostbusters Legos good. Tab had been very good boy this year Danish Santa. He buy the Lego but they don't fit. He wanna close the door please. He cry. He say he don't but he cry when car don't fit. Please.

And more on the podcast. We got your voicemails and bacon. DISCORD and PATREON please. Thank you.

Episode 104

This is it! We made it to two years! Everyone at Here's What I Don't Get Inc are very proud to share this momentous occasion with you, our loyal fans. And to that end we have a very special announcement for you. Introducing HWIDG+! Our new system HWIDG+ works just like the podcast currently does, for the low price of 49.99 a month! On the other hand, you can use HWIDG Free, which grants you the first 5 minutes of the podcast for absolutely free! Just add another 4.99 for every 5 minute increment more you want to add! We believe this adjustment to our system is best for both us and you. This gives you total control on just how you want your podcast experience to be. We know everyone will be completely on board with this and it won't start riots online and in the streets, guaranteed! So, enjoy it for 2 weeks before we revert back to the old way all while putting the entire blame on you and:

* Burning the Coffee Pot
* Too Many Emails
* Useless Soundboard Customer Support
* Black Month

Coffee! Some can't live without it, and the rest of us don't get the runs. It's a very personal experience making coffee. What kind of bean, what kind of roast, how strong do you make your cup, do you add any sugar or cream? Now introduce that into an office environment and prepare to settle for crap. If that wasn't bad enough, office kitchen behavior is worse than a dorm room's. Stolen food, mugs, and plates abound, all while people ignore their dirty dishes, or worse, leave that little bit of coffee in the pot and let it turn into sludge. Try as you might, it's gonna happen. I bet the people that work at the offices of coffee manufacturers have to put up with this crap too.

If I buy something, I want a maximum of two emails, and even that's pushing it. Order received, order shipped. It's not tough. I don't need 50 emails because I ordered multiple items. I don't need individual invoices for every jellybean in a two pound bag, that would be absurd, but it sure feels like that's what you get sometimes. Not to mention the after-arrival begging stage. "Did your item arrive in good condition?" "Are you satisfied with your purchase?" "Here are other things you might like based on your recent purchase!" "Please rate us 5 stars!" How about I rate you a nice negative 7 stars and report you for filling my inbox with spam?

It sounds great doesn't it? The person that sold me this expensive item will let me call them, free of charge, and they'll help me fix it? It's a pipe dream. You get the run around more than the guy from Blues Traveler. And that's if they don't block you immediately. "Sir you need to call a different number." THEN WHY IS THIS NUMBER LISTED UNDER CUSTOMER SERVICE? And they never actually know what to do. You're better off consulting other owners online about it. At most the customer service rep has the same manual you do, and treats it as gospel. If that don't work, well, "you can always upgrade to our new product".

Cyber Monday, Ruby Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, Thanksgiving Thursday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Good Sunday. We sure like to name days don't we? WELL BUCKLE UP, CAUSE THEY DON'T MATTER ANYMORE. FROM HERE ON OUT, IT'S BLACK FRIDAY 24/7. That's right! No longer limited to one day, we are legally changing the names of all the days to Black Friday. This way, you can have amazing deals whenever you want! Black Friday all year long! Nothing has meaning! What purpose is there to life!? Think about your eventual non-existence in a wooden box. You will never live in the future. Your life means nothing to the universe! It means nothing to humanity, and humanity means nothing to time. If any deity should be worshiped it's time, and you can do so with these INCREDIBLE BLACK FRIDAY DEAL ON ALARM CLOCKS!

As always, we listen to your voicemails, and more on this week's celebratory episode. A big thanks to all the listeners who keep us and this podcast going. Check out the DISCORD, check out the PATREON, you know the deal, and we'll see you for 104 more episodes.

Episode 103 - Hilary Clinton's Secret Lizard Baby

This is your captain speaking, thank you for flying HWIDG Airlines. I know most of you are looking forward to getting home, but first we gotta go through a couple of rules. First of all, everyone will be happy to know we've met our FAA mandated minimum screaming baby count for today! Second, congratulations to Harold Weiss who gets the lucky seat directly accross from the restroom. Your nose will be partying tonight! Thirdly, unfortunately we are out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, I know, I know but we do have these lovely replacements:

* Being Sick
* Tabloids
* The Quiet Man
* The Peter Principle

Being sick. Not like, hospital sick, but just sick enough that you get all lethargic and tired, achy, and able to do most things but it sucks to do anything. It sucks. It’s like on Star Trek when Geordie needs to make repairs to something, so they can’t warp anywhere, stuck in the middle of nowhere space unable to do anything. At least then it usually leads to a cool holodeck episode. In real life, it leads to colors of bodily fluids you didn’t think were possible. Most of the time all you can do is the old RX cocktail and push through it. So heat up some broth, slap some vapor rub on your chest, curl up in bed, and prepare to get a lot of sleep, but the bad, interrupted kind of sleep.

In today's news, we've got photos you won't believe! We found a wormhole to 1953 and it's inside Madcucks' crown?! Also, an update on Michelle Obama's secret love affair with the ghost of Jacob Marley! But first up, corrections! Last week we told you about a John Lennon sighting at a dinner in Lawrence, Kansas. We're sorry to tell everyone that it was not the former Beatle, but instead it was the thought-to-be-formerly-fictional character Harry Potter. Sources say the line cook was magically turned into a rabbit, who still smokes a pack a day.

Millions of dollars. Square Enix put in millions of dollars to make the pile of dung known as The Quiet Man. Buggy, ugly, terrible combat, short but still too long, all of this would've made for just a bad game, but they topped themselves but plastering a low pass filter over ALL sound in the game, rendering it sounding like your headphones are halfway unplugged, and it's made even WORSE by having a subtitle option that doesn't work. That's right, you play as a deaf man that can read lips and sign, but screw you if you want to understand any of it. The kicker? "Wait a week and we'll patch the sound back in for new game plus mode."

Management skills must be taught. Those that are already good at it? They learned it somehow. You can't just promote someone that's good at something into being the head of that department, managing others do that thing. It doesn't work that way. Chances are they don't even want to manage, but it's moving up, which is a good thing. Here's a tip, if they're so good at it, why would you want then to stop doing it and manage others that do lesser work. Just pay that person a bit more, and everyone will be happier.

As always, we've got all this and more on this week's episode! Including voicemails, the December battle royale finalists, and spooky ghost stories! Thanks to everyone that supports the podcast, and don't forget to check out our PATREON and DISCORD!

Episode 102 - Blind

By day, he's a mild-mannered lighting designer, but by night, he fights crime as The Blind Rage! Blinded in a freak theater catwalk accident, Tab struggles to adapt to his new life as a hideous monster, almost inhuman. One night, he comes across a mugging in an alley. Something inside him flares up, his rage now giving him a form of almost-sight. Hiding his hideous face, he swiftly apprehends the mugger, giving birth to his alter ego! Now, he watches over his city, protecting it from threats like:

* Too Good to Be True
* Breaking the Voting Wall
* Charity
* Unwanted Mosh Pits

Chances are, if something sounds too good to be true, it is. That's just the way the world works. Even if everything works out with whatever it may be, something else will certainly come along and mar it. There are always strings attached, but they're usually hidden very well. And all this is worse than just some other poor occurrence, because it tags along. Example: a piece of poop on your carpet. It stinks, but you've got to buck up and deal with it the best you can. Then on the other hand, you're given a delicious slice of cake. You bite in, only to discover that it's poo flavored. See?

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote or die because every vote counts. Maybe it would somewhere where everyone voted. Somewhere with more than two parties in power. But that's not here. Sure, there are swing states that flip between parties every few years. There your vote might count. But if you're a republican in California or New York? Good luck. Democrat in Alabama or Mississippi? Why bother? You really thought the Blue Wave could topple fifty plus straight years of Republican rule in a midterm election? Please. Each side will try to gain power every 6 to 8 years, and then it'll flip, repeat ad nauseum.

Let's talk about charity. That's right, it's the time of year for giving. Giving your money to CEOs and hoping they'll trickle down just a lil bit of it to sick kids, epileptic dogs, or whatever is the new hotness. Operating cost is the real charity. If you take 80 percent of the millions and millions of dollars people donate to you for cancer research and *don't* spend it on cancer research, you're not a charity. You're just a business. Regular businesses give to charity to write off some taxes every year anyways. Are those then charities? What percentage of your income needs to go to some good cause in order for you to be a charity?  I say a bit more than 20 percent.

This week's forecast is grim. We've got a rogue mosh pit coming in from the south east at around 20 slams per hour. Now, there's a chance it could pick up speed due to the lack of security this year, and if that happens we could see it turn into a wall of death, and none of us want that, you remember the one that hit us in '04? So I urge all of you to stay away of it's path, even on the outskirts it can be real bothersome. There could be beer showers, strong winds, high speed debris, and even more. Of course I'm a weatherman, so take anything I take with a grain of salt.

Plus, voicemails, news and much more on this week's episode with in-studio guest, musician Ethan Cantrell! As always check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 101 - Dingle Dangle My Dongle

Halloween is over. But the frights aren’t. It’s November 1st 2019, the deadliest day in America. Millions flock to stores, shoving and trampling one another for the chance to get the ultimate prize: discount candy. In light of the carnage, a new law is passed. From 7 AM to Midnight of November 1st, citizens of the United States are allowed to gather and horde as much discount Halloween candy as they please, and are able to defend it at any cost. That five pound bag of Swedish Fish is *mine* and I will gut anyone that tries to take it. This Fall, get ready for The Purge: Sweet Tooth. Starring:
* Controllers
* Discord
* No Dark Mode
* Dongles

The home gaming system. Small, light, easy to use. Plug it in and get playing. The 80’s set the standard for games to come. Then the 90’s roll around. Still increasingly popular, but games become more complex, so they add more buttons. In some cases even those were not enough. In Batman Forever for SNES, the much needed grappling hook is placed on the SELECT button. Then we enter the 3D era, cameras become an integral part of games. We try a stick and four buttons, then two sticks. Success! Except… games become more and more complex. More than we ever thought possible. Yet, fundamentally the PS4’s controller is the same as back in 1997. 20 years of stagnancy, while games become more and more involved. We’re holding triggers and using radial menus. We’re using the d-pad to do eight different things between holds and taps. But there’s one kind of gamer that’s been comfortable all these years. The keyboard warrior. Ultimate customization, more buttons than ARMA can throw a stick at.

Discord, oh Discord. When I first booted you up, it was a godsend. Steam Groups were terrible. No logs, constant disconnections that they wouldn’t notify you of, general jankness everywhere. Your cute loading screen phrases were L33T $P3/\K, but ignorable. You were Slack for gaming buddies. You upgraded servers, introduced more options, things were great. Then, you realized you couldn’t grow and stay free. So you introduced a subscription service with extras. No one cared. Yet, still you grew. You had to do something. And you chose the one thing no one wanted. No one wants ANOTHER platform for their games. You had it, man. You had made IRC obsolete, you forced Steam to upgrade their chat system. YOU FORCED STEAM TO DO SOMETHING. Almost unheard of. You could have made the best communication app there was, but you got greedy. And now you’re going down the drain.

As I sit here and type these write ups every week, my life is slowly wasting away. I mean, everyone’s is, but what is a life without eyesight? Why is my eyesight dwindling? The lack of Dark Modes. I spend a lot of time writing in Evernote. It’s free and syncs across all my devices. You think, since it’s been around for years, they’d get around to implementing a dark mode, but nope. It’s been the most requested feature since 2012, but screw your users, right? Even worse, the widget for it on my phone? 2 separate dark modes to choose from, just on the widget though. The desktop app? It’s main menu is in dark mode, but none of the rest of it is. I use F.lux’s dark room mode once the migraine starts to hit. I use a dark mode extension on chrome for websites. I’ve learned to look at color-inverted photos and imagine what they actually look like. It’s almost a fun game, but I’m doing it not to be literally stabbing my eyes out.

Dongle. It’s a funny word for sure. Say it in any way other than frustration at work, and you’ve got a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands. The masses want sleek and sexy. Thinner and thinner devices! Until it gets in their way. Our USB ports are smaller and thinner, our power adapter ports are circles no more! An SD card reader is too thick. LET ME REPEAT THAT. AN SD CARD IS NOW TOO THICK FOR MODERN LAPTOPS. All this means dongles. Dongles everywhere. More dongles than an Instagram thot’s DMs. Eventually we’re going to have to carry around a giant key ring like a school janitor, but with dongles instead. Because ports aren’t sexy enough.

And more on this week’s episode of the podcast! Including: your voicemails, your late voicemails, and a rundown of December’s Battle Royale Movie Voting. As always thanks for those that support us on PATREON and chat with us in DISCORD, and if that’s not you, consider joining us! 

Episode 100 - Syndication!

Coming this fall to FOX, it's Here's What I Don't Get, the sitcom! Tim and Tab are two regular guys, but when their podcast hits the big-time, wacky hijinks are bound to happen! Complete with unnecessary fake studio audience, wacky neighbors, and cameo guest spots from other sitcoms! And best of all, because it's FOX, it's guaranteed to be an internet darling but not get many views because the premise is interesting, but not that interesting to the mass public, so we guarantee only one season! Watch as they stumble through life, dealing with:

* Resellers
* Drunk Old Heads
* Online Garage Sales
* Forced Stealth Sections

Artificial scarcity leads to scalpers and resellers. People that take product out of the hands of people that actually want it, just to make a quick buck. Literally taking candy out of babies' mouths. Gaming the system so you can't game on your system. Lego, limited edition games and systems, CHILDREN'S TOYS, grown men buying them up to sell at 3 times the price to hard working parents just wanting to make their kids happy. Yay capitalism.

Hey man, I was there in 93 when their demo came out. I saw their first show in Abilene when they had to play each song twice just to have a full set. Have I listened to anything after the second album? No, they sold out mannnnnnn. They lost their edge once they got more fans. They're playing in town tonight? Cool, I'm gonna go, get absolutely plastered until they play the one I know, then I'll violently shove my way up to the front and spill beer all over your new merch, because I WAS THERE MAN!

Craigslist! The go to place for poorly kept cars, free curbside furniture, and dudes that want to take pictures of your feet stepping on a cake. Also home to listings up days after the item's been sold, sellers that don't answer questions, and buyers that flake on you or want you to go well out of your way for an item worth less than the gas money. eBay is just as bad, it's basically just a storefront these days, everything is buy it now or you can bid until the price surpasses the buy it now price. Wanna sell something there? Good luck, chances are the buyer will get it then file a claim they didn't, and you'll be forced to give them their money back because eBay always sides with the buyer.

Stealth, when it's part of your kit, it can be one of the most satisfying parts of a game. When it's forced on you? The most frustrating. Whether it's instant death turrets, invulnerable demon knights, or making you play as a weaker character with none of your main character's awesome arsenal, forcing it on you always feels bad. It takes that sense of control away from you, and at that point it might as well be a cutscene.

And more, all on this special episode of HWIDG! Voicemails! News! Movie commentary announcement! Everything kept 💯! Here's to another 100 episodes! As always, you can join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON.  

Episode 99 - Not Canon

The multiverse. Universes layered on top of each other, singing in different frequencies, never coming in contact. The hero of Earth Prime, The Rage Machine, protects his section of his universe, unaware of the vast tapestry of worlds that lies around him. But one day, a rift in space opens above his hometown. Out comes The Handlebreaker. A villainous destroyer of Earths throughout the multiverse. When The Rage Machine arrives to investigate, he learns of the diabolical plans, the concept of parallel Universes, and...... love? Yes, when these two rivals in every other sense get together, nothing can stop the inevitable. Their children will rule the multiverse and be named:

Diet Food
Getting Lost
Picking Scabs (Warning: this one gets gross)
Fanfiction

Diet versions of food and drink. Either they're indistinguishable and therefore still not healthy, or they don't taste like the original at all and therefore are healthy but terrible. They're made for weak people that can't live without their soda and cookies. And usually they eat/drink the amount of the diet product needed to surpass the calories of the original! If all we had we're diet foods, we'd be exactly the same, and we'd have diet diet foods.

Getting lost in life stinks. The days blur together, you think you have no one to talk to, and you bottle up everything inside. At least for guys that's how it is. Societally we can't show weakness, we can't ask for help, god forbid we see a professional about it. And I don't wanna sound like an antidepressant infomercial, but you can! You can do all those things, and if anyone around you says otherwise, they're not worth your time. 

Why do we pick at our cuts, poke at our bruises, scratch at our bug bites? Why is it so fascinating to peel off that big scab? I chalk it up to natural human curiosity. The human body is crazy, and seeing it work for that short time, healing up that wound can be very interesting. We usually don't get to see past the skin.

"Sonic the Hedgehog gets knocked on the head and wakes up on the bridge of the Enterprise-D! He falls in love with Commander Worf, but Lt. Data won't allow it! So Data opens up a rift in time and space and brings mild mannered reporter for the Daily Bugle, Clark Kent to help stop the blue menace." - The Blue Blur Meets the Blue and Red Blur, Chapter 1/8,235. 4.2 Stars. Now a major motion picture!

And your voicemails, and news, and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary, which of course is being recorded this month, so if you wanted a Thanksgiving movie you should have suggested next month. November's commentary will be on a Halloween horror movie, it's very simple people, what don't you get! Support the show on PATREON or join the DISCORD for more fun!

Episode 98 - 4K 360 3D Jellyfish

Here we see the podcast known as Hereswhatidontgetasaurus. It walked the Earth around 40 million years ago and was the apex predator of its time. The horns on its head were used to spear prey that walked too slow in front of it. Unfortunately, the Hereswhatidontgetasaurus was driven into extinction by it's own self. They were prone to fits of rage that frequently ended with it charging off of cliffs or into bodies of water. Some of it's common prey included:

Break Ups
Phone VR
The End of the World
The Restart Dilemma

Grab a pint or two of Chunky Monkey and turn up the Adele, cause it's time to cry your eyes out over what was and what could have been. Drink the sorrows away, but be weary or else you'll wind up leaving 17 drunk voicemails. But, once you've sobered up, it's a new day and It's time to get back on that horse, bucko. Hit up Tinder or Grindr and pound your sadness away. Maybe try some new stuff out! You never know, you just might end up really liking the buzz that the car battery adds to those nipple clamps.

Virtual Reality! It's been the future of interactive technology for more than 30 years! But now, it's at its most advanced and most popular! It's never been better! You can even take your phone and a 6 dollar cardboard set and dip your toes into the VR world. But don't. Phone VR sucks. You can buy the best phone with the best screen, the best headset, but by that point you've spent enough to buy the top of the line full VR headset, with special made controllers and everything! Phone VR, if you can get it to work, is at best a 5 dollar county fair attraction.

Forget the Mayans, 2018 Twitter is the best predictor of the Apocalypse. The problem? It's every day. Funny enough, the days come and go, and yet, no Apocalypse. And believe me, I've ingested a LOT of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic media. And it's not a one sided problem. Every time each side takes a modicum of power or control, the crazies come out. Remember the militias that were ready to overthrow the government in 2016? Yeah, me either.

You start reading a book, you're a couple chapters in, but then a new season of Ghost Hunters starts up and you forget. Then you get addicted to the new battle royale game, and that takes up all your time. A year and a half later, you get the itch to pick it up again. What do you do? Do you start from the beginning? Or do you pick up right where you left off, piecing together your memories of it like Jason Bourne? What if you weren't a couple chapters in, what if it was more like 3/4ths and it's 1200 pages long?

All this and more on this week's episode. Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary. And as always, you can join us at DISCORD, and support the show on PATREON.

Episode 97 - The Oil Man (feat. Allan from Not For Human Consumption)

1458 A.D. China. The warlords of Peking are locked in battle as they have been for the last three years. The spoils being fought for? A book. A tome containing the secrets of the legendary fighting style known as Here’s What I Don’t Get. To the North, the Empire of Tab and its ferocious warriors with their ‘rage’ style. To the South, General Tim and his crew of soldiers that he purposefully starves until they reach their breaking point, to harness the ‘Handlebreaker’ energy. For the last three years they have gone back and forth, trading victories, until now. A third party arrives. A pirate crew, led by Captain Allan from the distant land of Not For Human Consumption have their eyes on the mythical book. And they will do anything to get their hands on it, including:

* Bad Scheduling
* Beer Shaming
* Spoofing

Employees are not cogs in a machine. Yet time and time again, it seems that everyone has horror stories about getting screwed over by their work schedule. Being made to work extra late, then back the next day at 8 AM sharp with nothing to do. Planning a day off, then getting a call “strongly suggesting” you cover someone’s shift. Why does this happen? I’ll tell you why. Revenge. The same people that plan your schedule and then mess it up have been wronged. Severely. They’ve gone through the worst schedules you can think of, and they have nothing in their life worth living for other than your misery. Or they’re just d-holes. What’s a manly man’s drink? It’s not whiskey, or rye, or a craft microbrew. It’s whatever he’s holding in his hand. Unless you have some mutant superpower to taste every single molecule that comes across your tongue, for the most part, the varieties of alcohol all taste the same. They’re just there to get you drunk anyways, who cares what it is. If someone likes their drinks to actually taste good, let them drink that rainbow of liqueurs. If someone just wants to get drunk on the cheap, that Natty Light is gonna get the job done, no fruit peels or decanters needed. Just drink what you have and shut up.

95% of the average person’s calls these days are telemarketers. Telemarketers with spoofed numbers. And that can cause all kinds of problems. Calls to you from people that called by your number, or telemarketers that immediately flip on the racism switch and call you the n-word dozens of times because you had the audacity to call them a bad person. Tab knows what to do with these people, and its a lot like what happens to the guy in Metallica’s One video. It’s quite terrible, and he knows it, but are they deserving of it? Probably. IF you’ve got any torture suggestions feel free to call in and leave us a voicemail! That and more on this special episode. Check out this month’s movie commentary if you haven’t yet, and suggest something for next month’s commentary too! Join us at DISCORD, or support us on PATREON.

Episode 96 - Mail Order Brides

WOOF WOOF! That's right it's the HWIDG Party Bus here to take you downtown, uptown, and all around, and that's before we start driving heyo! Ground rules, folks, number one: no kegstands. That's a legal thing, too many concussions. Number two: if you brought some "shnacks" you gotta share. Otherwise, big man Tito in back is your hookup. Number three: no, the bus driver is not a party poopers for not doing shots. Think, people. Numbers four through seven, don't do any of these:
* Taking Your Dogs Places
* Forever, Episode 6 - "Andre and Sarah"
* Google's Listening/Hostage Strategy
* Phone Call Run Arounds

Places to take your dogs: your house, the park, the vet. Unless you have a geniune need to bring your trained support dog with you, odds are you're just making everyone else miserable. They're probably a yapper. They're gonna fight/hump the other idiot dogs there, because it's never just one! It's some weird groupthink where people bring their dogs on planes, to concerts, and anywhere else they don't belong.

You ever been reading a book and then 3/4 through it turns into a sculpture of someone not even in the book? No, because that would be incredibly stupid. Let's just stop in the middle of the height of action for 1/8th of the story, introduce you to 2 new characters, and not apply our medium efficiently. Does that sound fun? If it does you can go to hell.

(If you're reading this in your head, speak the rest of the paragraph out loud.) I love Dane Cook, the comedian. I wish I knew if he was coming to town. You know who I also love? Dame Judi Dench! She's such a great actress. I love her in James Bond movies. Also, Robin Williams in Aladdin and Flubber and Jumanji. (Repeat daily, check YouTube suggestions for related videos.)

Make a phone call, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, answer a security question, explain the problem AGAIN. Get transferred, raise your voice, argue with the person about if you raised your voice or not. Call them scam artists, get your phone service cancelled. Congrats, no more need to call them!

All this and more on this episode of the podcast. Find out what movie won this month's battle, and who's getting big brother'd by Google. Join us in our DISCORD hangout, or maybe find loads of bonus content on our PATREON!

Episode 95 - The Shane Black Awards

One elite squad of soldiers. One deadly jungle. One suicide mission. One alien stalker. This fall be the first to see Hereswhatidontgetator. Action. Drama. Comedy. No kids. This movie has it all! Join legendary action hero Harold Schwartzenheimer as Tab "Butch" Birt sent with his squad on the mission of a lifetime. But his shady CIA buddy Handlebreaker comes along and has other plans for Butch and his crew. Then it all goes to hell as a bright red lobster alien starts picking them off one by one. Also starring:

-80s Reboots/Revivals
-The 5G Push
-Not Adapting
-Incomplete News

80s reboots. Who are they for? They're not for the old fans, I'll tell you that. Thats what the revivals are for. The same cast 30 years later? Wouldn’t that be so interesting? No. It really wouldn’t. So, the reboots? Who are they for? Well, they’re for the person that has heard the name of the show in passing, but didn’t really watch it when it was on. Because, none of these reboots understand what made the originals good (or at least made them what they were). It’s all studio driven. It’s not a writer who is a devoted fan of the property and wants to put their spin on it. No, it’s the studio’s idea, they hire a “good” writer whether or not they understand the IP, and the hire a show runner and producers and all that all based on their previous works and resume. AND THEY ALL END UP AS PROCEDURAL COP SHOWS ANYWAYS. There are things about your phone that you know that the general public should not know. You know what 3G, 4G and LTE are? You know what Gorilla Glass is? Well you shouldn’t. But every now and then they pluck something out of phone technology and give it a fancy name and market it to you. To prove the rising costs are worth it. 3G comes out, changes the game. 4G comes out, it’s faster yay! LTE comes out, “what is it?” “We’ll just call it data, how bout that”. LTE was how it should’ve been all along, increase speeds and open up bandwidth as you can incrementally. Don’t tell the public, they don’t care unless “faster”. Of course now 5G is muscling its way in, even though LTE was supposed to last us. And in a few years, we’ll have 6G. I bet my left nut on it.

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Thank you Bear Grylls meme. Now can we get that picture hanging in every room in every building in every city in the world? Change is hard, it’s tough. But your life is going to be a confusing and disappointing Shane Black-esque mess if you don’t adapt. Someone cancels on you? Adapt. Stay in, order a pizza and play some games. Find out your friend is a flat-earther? Adapt. Adapt your fist to their face. Car won’t start on your way to work? Adapt. Call an Uber. Get in the Uber. Make them drive to some secluded lot. Kill them. Assume their identity. Ta-da you have a new car and a new job. You go, girl! Is meteorology an actual science? Can it be classified as one? I honestly don’t know, because sometimes I’d be better off getting my weather from the Miss Cleo hotline. What do the Jamaican voodoo magics say about rain tomorrow? Dey say “don’t listen to dem bumbaclot news anchors, day only want ya TV views”. And they would be absolutely right. The 24/7 news cycle has driven “BREAKING” news to the forefront, turning it into what is basically posting “First!” on the internet. No substance. A selfish drive to be “first on the scene”. Hey, how ‘bout you be “good at your job” instead. All this plus more on this alien hunter filled episode. Seriously. There’s a lot of it. Don’t forget to vote for next month’s commentary! Join us at DISCORD, or maybe support us over at PATREON.

Episode 94 - Steak Lies

Welcome grasshoppers, to Sensei Hereswhatidontget's Rage Dojo. Here you will learn channel your inner anger and fears into weapons. Weapons with which you will attack and take down that which stands in your way! For your first lesson, you will learn and begin to master the first four forms:

* Terrestrial Radio
* Choice Paralysis
* Ceremonies
* Daytime TV

Lesson one: radio. Your mind and body must be like the radio. Your body will get stronger, but only by repetition, practicing the same set of moves over and over, much like the 10 song loop every station decides on. You mind must be able to predict an opponent's move. Not just one move in advance, but many and many moves in advance, before your enemy themselves know what they will do. Be like the radio, playing Christmas songs during summer.

Lesson two: paralysis. You will memorize this map of the human body and its pressure points. These vital spots are the most vulnerable points shared across all human bodies. A direct hit to any point can cause instant paralysis or worse. Like when you're browsing Netflix or Hulu and you're trying to find something to watch, but you can't decide on anything so you just browse and browse until, surprise, you're out of time to even watch anything.

Lesson three: ceremony. Tea. 3 cups a day. Meditation. 2 hours every day. EVERY. It may seem arbitrary or asinine. But, ceremony is important for the mind. It keeps it sharp like a blade. Without it you might find yourself annoyed at a graduation, having strange thoughts at a funeral, or even forgetting something that happened just seven episodes ago.

Lesson four: daytime television. Surprising as it may seem, this antiquated programming carries all you need to know to be a great warrior. Your motions smooth, like the camera of a soap opera. Your choices wise, like selecting Door Number Two with the car. Your decisions swift and just, like the decisions handed down from Sensei Judy. Your feet fleeting, like the crackheads on COPS. But the most important of all, be not the father, like the dirtbags on Maury.

That ends our lessons for today. If you would like some refreshments help yourself to some voicemails or the movie commentary list. Please bring your friends next week, remember classes are free, but PATREON donations are accepted. And sign up for the mailing list at DISCORD! 

Episode 93 - Jacked Sam Neil

Hey-a! Welcome to Authentic San Hereswhatidontgets! De only place in town to get an authentic New York slice! The crust? Burnt. The sauce? Canned. The Cheese? Fuggedaboutit! It's only made from the freshest curd of the most freshest milk we could find. Your mother's! You get two choices. A plain pie. Or pepperoni. And we make that in-house! Dey call dat artisinal! Ain't no pork or beef in it. No, we use what the city gives us. That's right we use the most plentiful meat around. Good 'ol New York Strip straight from Master Splinter hisself. And if you whine enough we might throw one of these on there too:
Autoplay Ads
The Mail
Leaving the Ecosystem
Working Holidays Ads.

They're everywhere. We flew right past They Live and straight into marketing heaven. Unfortunately, if you want your free services to stay free, you've got to deal with them. You put an unobtrusive static banner ad from a reputable source at the top and bottom of your page? You got yourself a deal. I can live with that. But when you use ads from these places that throw their revenue right back into ads that bypass being blocked and hijack PCs and phones with ransomware? Buddy, I came here to block ads and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Before the 1990's I guess the mail system seemed like crazy future technology. You mean I can write someone a letter and they'll get it in just a few days? I can send in an order from a catalog and it'll be here in only 6-8 weeks? Oh boy! Well, the future is NOW, OLD MAN and the future rocks because everything is near instant, or at least click and forget. No need for the weird quasi-governmental structure that these days deals out more coupons and spam than hand-written letters and heartfelt presents. Maybe the dogs have been right all along.

Ease of use, integration, things you didn't even know you needed! That's how they getcha. Google, Apple, and more are drug kingpins and the first hit is free. They get you hooked to their own personal blend, and have you begging for more even as they water it down. Next thing you know you're lying in the back of a squad car with some guy's baby batter dried to your shirt, ready to squeal on your boy Ricardo just to get by on probation. Now you're in WitSec with a new name in some backwoods town. Good going, Tim.

Holidays! A time to relax with some good food and spend time with family. Take the dog for a walk, spend all day cooking, watch a good movie, don't even think about work. Hell, work's not even open today! Wait, it is? And there's doubletime pay? Peace out bitches, save me a plate. It's the day we spend honoring those who brought us weekly working hour limits? Let's toast to that by making hella scrilla. Who'dathunk it, turns out holiday pay is the best part of the holidays! All this plus more on this week's episode! Voicemails! News! Movies! Shoddily constructed American-made products! We've got it all! And if you're dying for even more, become a PATRON or join us at our DISCORD!

Episode 92 - BOOMSHAKALAKA

Howdy folks and welcome to the 26th Annual HWIDG High School Talent Show Extravaganza! First, a few announcements. Whoever drives a white Subaru, you left you lights on, don’t get up though, I went ahead and smashed them with a baseball bat for you, okay? Next, is there a Leslie Johnson in the house? Okay. Ms. Johnson, Logan would like to let you know he’s backstage and he made an accident. That’s Logan Johnson. Backstage. Poop in the pants. Okay, lastly, I’d like to say screw all of you, I’d rather be home drinking my aged bourbon, but I’ve got to do it here instead. Here’s your hosts for tonight:

- Madden
- Netflix
- Two Lane Roads
- Wearing Shoes without Socks

Do people buy the new model of their car every year? Trade in their 2017 Honda Civic for a cool $1,000 towards the 2018 one? No, cause that would be stupid. Car technology doesn’t advance that fast. You’re basically paying for the same car again. So why in the world do people do it for Madden? It’s not even fun. EA’s got the exclusive NFL license in perpetuity so they can’t be assed to make it better, and other developers can’t touch the NFL with a ten foot pole. So they make the same game every year, just add a roster update and maybe a slight physics tweak, and make a cool couple million. You want to make some REAL money? Bring back the arcade-y sports games like Street, Jam, and Blitz. They’re more accessible and way more fun to play. You can tell because of big head mode. Any game with Big Head Mode is automatically better.

Look Netflix, you’re popular, I understand. But it’s not cause you’re the prettiest girl at the ball, or the hunky quarterback with a heart of gold. No, you’re the nerdy business school kid that deals Adderall. You got people hooked, and now you’re rich, congratulations. But guess what, you’re not bettering yourself. You keep dyeing your hair thinking it’ll make you cool, but no one cares. You keep changing your formula and pissing people off. But they need you. They keep coming back. So you don’t care. But you better start. Because your suppliers are getting wind of your attitude. And they seem to be cutting ties.

Any method of transportation that requires you to merge into oncoming traffic to pass the person in front of you, is poorly thought out. Just because Old Man Jenkins wouldn’t sell off the 30 feet of his farm next to the road, I’ve got to play chicken and my odds aren’t great. Even then, two lanes each way is almost equally infuriating. It’s like walking down the sidewalk, and there’s a couple in front of you, walking slowly holding hands, taking up as much space as possible. They deserve a push into traffic, just like those cars deserve an action movie scene. The villain is driving a tank down the city street? Oh no! Oh, YES.

Hey, if you’re wearing shoes, wear socks. It’s easy. Ya nasty.

All this and more on this week’s episode. Including voicemails! Which movie won this month’s voting? And even more surprises! Visit the PATREON to support us monetarily, and the DISCORD to support us emotionally. 

Episode 91 - Three Card Monte

Welcome to HWIDGBurger, home of the Rage Burger, can I take your order? No, we don't have gluten free soda, sir. No, we don't have dairy-free beef either. Our fries are frozen, yes, if you want them fresh here's a potato and a knife. Sir, if you're upset, go to hell please. Otherwise, get out of line, people are waiting to order some delicious:

-Upgrade Downgrades
-Not Taking Care of Your Guys
-Predictive Text
-Hollywood Accounting

New look, same great taste. The lie of the century. They changed it. Otherwise they wouldn't point it out. You take something good, something that works, and you tinker with it and tinker with it until you break it. Thanks a lot iTunes, Netflix, Spotify, or any of you jackholes that think you can increase profit margins by 0.05% by hiding useful settings or going with a minimalistic UI.

Take care of the people that work for you. It's simple. Treat them like humans and not numbers. They'll appreciate it, and even better they'll appreciate YOU. They'll work harder and more dilligently if they know you won't screw them over. If they can't separate you from "corporate", you done goofed. You don't have to give them a handy every day, just tickle the sack a lil bit, you know. Show them you care.

Predicted Tex. It's not like we have a lot of time to make a decision. I will get the money for the ticket and the kids will be there. Why doesn't this make sense? Predicted Tex-Mex. Text. Dammit. It makes dumb people seem smarter than they are and makes smart people seem like iPhone users.

Hollywood! A den of thieves and well-off trust fund kids with monthly subscriptions to RapeBox, the only monthly subscription box full of GHB and Rohypnol. But, it's their accountants that really screw over the people of the city. Playing with the money from multi-billion dollar companies like a 5 year old in a sandbox. Burying something over here, building a hole over here to shovel in sand from other areas, until all you want to do is shove his face in it.

Plus! Heaps of voicemails, and we find out what makes fish fight! Don't forget to join the Discord and visit the Patreon!

Episode 90 - Sausage and Chocolate

Hi, there! Today I’m gonna teach you how to make a lovely dish known as HWIDG. It’s from Northern Italy, and when prepared right, it’ll knock your socks off. But first, here’s a five page essay on my life that you’ll have to scroll through to get to the recipe. I’m VERY interesting so I know you’ll want to read it-wait what’s that? You don’t? I’m not interesting and that’s why I run a vegan mommy blog? Well, fine, here’s your dumb recipe:
* Shrinking Men's Sections
* Release Dates
* School Fundraisers
* Wrong Numbers

Men. We know what we want. We go to a store, grab it, and go. Sure, if you need to kill some time you might walk around looking at things absent-mindedly. But chances are, we’ve done the research, we know what we want, and odds are we have a backup plan too if they don’t have the exact thing. Or we’ll go to Amazon. I guess that’s why stores are limiting our options so much. Used to be, we’d have at least a third of the store. It made sense. Men’s, Women’s, and Kids’. Now, we’re lucky to get a closet’s worth. The Men’s section is now in a discount bin at the end of aisle three, good luck. Remember when things came out on a certain day? Me too. Now they’ve changed that day. Movies, Games, what have you, are now released whenever they want. Movies used to come out on a Friday, now, Wednesday night. Music on a Tuesday, but now it’s Friday. I think video games come out at 4:51 AM Sunday mornings. Books only come out on Katilsday anymore, it’s impossible to get a hold of one fresh. Digital releases are even worse, you’ve got to hike there and back 20 miles in the snow to get a one of those.

Remember those days when you’d gather in the Auditorium and the Vice Principal would tell you all about the new school fundraiser? You’d get a cool catalogue of prizes you could win if you sell enough. It’s either meat, cookie dough, chocolate bars, wrapping paper, or coupon books you’re selling and people, you better pray for the non-perishable items cause if you’re buying sausage from a kid, It’ll be grayer then Clint Eastwood’s pubic hair by the time it gets to you. Here’s a secret, the kids don’t care about your damn hot Italian links, they just want that cool looking stereo. How in the world, in this day and age do you dial a wrong number? My theory: old people. Old people, with their failing eyesight, are trying to call their grandson from a terribly scribbled number in their little journal notepad. They can’t see the numbers on the page, and they can’t see the numbers on the phone (smart phones are a whole other level of difficulty) so they end up dialing you, but with 300% confidence that’s it’s little Jimmy. And they do it once every two months. Not enough to bug you, just enough for you to slowly hate anyone with that name. Plus, a look at the movie selections for next month’s commentary, and your voicemails, all while surrounded by loaded firearms! Don’t forget to visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Episode 89 - Crayola Hotline

Welcome back, you're listening to K96.9 and your Here's What I Don't Get Morning Power Hour, brought to you by Anderson Handle Repair. It's hot, hot, hot out there folks, so stay cool any way you can. You know who was always cool? Robert Stack. And he's coming up in the next hour along with:
- Crowd Screamers
- Unsolved Mysteries
- Battery Lies
- Conspiracy Theories

But first, let's hear from Greg live outside the Rold Gold Event Center. Hi Jim, That's right, I'm reporting live from outside the-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wow that's a real loud crowd, anyways, the one and only Jame-YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH-tonight. Did you get that? Our mics are picking up some interference from the venue, it's a real packed crow-IWANNAHAVEYOURBABIES. For the love of God, will you people just clap?

Sounds like Greg's having a great time out there. In other news, forensic analysts have finally discovered what they believe to be the identity of the Baltimore Strangler. He eluded police for nearly 10 years until the stranglings mysteriously stopped. Maryland police were baffled how he seemed to break in to homes and leave without a single trace of evidence. Turns out, it was just some guy. Yeah. Just a really careful guy. That liked to strangle some ladies now and then. It's usually just some guy.

Now, before this there were some popular theories going around about who the Baltimore Strangler was. Some of these were about politicians at the time, and others, well, let's just say the people who believed them probably didn't have many teeth. "The Baltimore Strangler was a scorned Bigfoot!" "All the victims were part of a Russian sleeper cell waiting to be activated in the second Cold War!" "It was the gay love child of John Hinckley Jr. and Lee Harvey Oswald! And he strangled them from the grassy knoll!"

Alright folks, time to pay some bills. This hour of our show is brought to you by Battery World! Battery World, where our staff is dumb, but the batteries are dumber. Battery World is hosting a free battery clinic this weekend, at all Battery World stores, to teach you about the warning signs of a lying battery. Is your battery turning off at 25%? Is it staying at a single percentage for more than 12 hours? Does it turn off at 0%, then back on at 75%? Well then you might have a lying battery. Learn more this weekend at Battery World! Battery World!

All this, plus the greatest voicemail yet, on this week’s episode! Become a Patron for even more content than you can shake a stick at, or join the Discord for hot D.B. Cooper on Bigfoot action!

Episode 88 - Bigfoot Erotica

Hello. Please, calm down. Do not be afraid. I am your Doctor, Dr. Hereswhatidontget. You’ve been in a terrible accident. We had to place you into a comatose state for your body to heal itself. I’m afraid it’s been seven years since then. A lot has changed in the world as you once knew it. Due to rapid advances in medical science we were able to construct you a new body. It should feel just like your old one, but it will take some time to adjust. While you rest, we’ve gathered some books on what has changed while you’ve been sleeping:
- Office Ladies
- Swimming
- Constant Connectivity
- Too Old to Be Out in Public

Party time! WHO HOO! Here’s some cake and cookies. Oh, and some brownies and a couple of pies too. What? You were expecting some actual food? No, just some sweets, a little bit won’t hurt you. See the streamers and the cardboard letters strung up? I’m head of the party planning committee, and those mean it’s party time, so slap a smile on that face! I’d actually much rather be at home with a box of wine, my favorite shower head, and my cats, but what can you do! Since I can’t have that I need the rest of you to have that sugar crash and be miserable like me! One of us. One of us. One of us.

Goggles? Check. Nose plug? Check. Ear Plugs? Check. Arm floaties? Check. Inner tube? Check. Congrats you nerd! You’re ready to swim! He looks like a loser, but damn it if he’s not right. Water in the ears, nose, eyes? All suck. Terribly. Yet people willingly submit themselves to it. No idea why. Why turn a survival tactic into a recreational activity? I’d rather jump out of a plane. Yes. Really.

ARE YOU READY TO UPDATE? YOU NEED TO CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL SO I CAN UPDATE. THE WIFI DROPPED FOR 0.023 SECONDS? I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN! WHAT DO I DO? HOLD ON, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! I LOST CONNECTION OH GOD. HELP ME FIND IT! MY MOM’S GONNA KILL ME. IT’S BACK. OKAY. CRISIS AVERTED. NOW IT’S TIME TO UPDATE! DON’T YOU CLICK THAT X. HA! FOOLED YOU, IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING! YOU’VE GOT TO POSTPONE IT. NO CANCELATIONS BUDDY, YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME.

Why are you driving? You can barely see. You can barely hear. You can barely move. You can barely react to stimuli. ALL THINGS YOU NEED TO BE A COMPETENT DRIVER. Why are you in public? You’re getting your death coughs everywhere. You sound like you’re actually dying. You probably are. Go home. Have someone feed you some jello and get out of my general area. If someone wants to see you, they’ll go to you. Watch your stories and try to enjoy what time you have left alone please.

Plus more on this cryptoerotically charged episode of the podcast! Stop by the Patreon for even more content, and the Discord for our hot Jersey Devil/Skunk Ape slashfics!