Episode 94 - Steak Lies

Episode 94 Thumb

Welcome grasshoppers, to Sensei Hereswhatidontget's Rage Dojo. Here you will learn channel your inner anger and fears into weapons. Weapons with which you will attack and take down that which stands in your way! For your first lesson, you will learn and begin to master the first four forms:

* Terrestrial Radio
* Choice Paralysis
* Ceremonies
* Daytime TV

Lesson one: radio. Your mind and body must be like the radio. Your body will get stronger, but only by repetition, practicing the same set of moves over and over, much like the 10 song loop every station decides on. You mind must be able to predict an opponent's move. Not just one move in advance, but many and many moves in advance, before your enemy themselves know what they will do. Be like the radio, playing Christmas songs during summer.

Lesson two: paralysis. You will memorize this map of the human body and its pressure points. These vital spots are the most vulnerable points shared across all human bodies. A direct hit to any point can cause instant paralysis or worse. Like when you're browsing Netflix or Hulu and you're trying to find something to watch, but you can't decide on anything so you just browse and browse until, surprise, you're out of time to even watch anything.

Lesson three: ceremony. Tea. 3 cups a day. Meditation. 2 hours every day. EVERY. It may seem arbitrary or asinine. But, ceremony is important for the mind. It keeps it sharp like a blade. Without it you might find yourself annoyed at a graduation, having strange thoughts at a funeral, or even forgetting something that happened just seven episodes ago.

Lesson four: daytime television. Surprising as it may seem, this antiquated programming carries all you need to know to be a great warrior. Your motions smooth, like the camera of a soap opera. Your choices wise, like selecting Door Number Two with the car. Your decisions swift and just, like the decisions handed down from Sensei Judy. Your feet fleeting, like the crackheads on COPS. But the most important of all, be not the father, like the dirtbags on Maury.

That ends our lessons for today. If you would like some refreshments help yourself to some voicemails or the movie commentary list. Please bring your friends next week, remember classes are free, but PATREON donations are accepted. And sign up for the mailing list at DISCORD!