Episode 106 - Apex Predators

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Nature. Man’s deadliest foe. Though he had conquered it by the early 21st century, that was before the ravaging. Before the collapse of civilized societies. Now, man is outmatched. Take for instance, the deadly chipmunk. Small though it may be, it can be as vicious on land as the king of the ocean, the mighty manatee. Foraging poisonous legumes during the day, and feeding on them to gain invulnerability at night, we can only guess how many thousands of us are killed each year. Stories are told of this next animal moving in swarms of hundreds in the sky. Though now extinct, we can only surmise by its skeleton, the fearsome cat once ruled the Earth. Current scholars in 2322 are still befuddled what they did fall prey to. Was it some disease? Or did early Ravaging-era humans overcome all odd and defeat these monstrous flying beasts? It seems we’ll never know. On next week’s holovid, join us as we take a look at ancient pre-Ravaging rituals like:

* Upstagers
* Consequences after the Credits
* The Tumblr Ban
* Vegans

Someone’s always got it worse than you. Or better. That’s just how it is. In nearly every group of people, someone has to be the upstager. You went on a vacation cruise? Oh yeah, well they went on a cruise that turns into a submarine and they found the lost city of Atlantis. You feel a little sick, might take off work tomorrow? Well, they’re running a fever of 109 and can’t feel the left side of their body and might take a year or two off. There’s only one kind of person who can never be upstaged: an astronaut. That’s right, anyone tries to upstage you? Well….you walked on the moon.

The credits roll. Now what? Maybe a funny post-credits gag, maybe a tease for the sequel, but what happens to everyone? Action or horror movie? There’s dead people everywhere. Blood and gore spewed about. The police are gonna believe that some dream demon with knife-hands and a nice sweater killed all these teenagers? Yeah, good luck with that. They’re gonna put the neighborhood weirdo on trial instead. FBI agent really isn’t gonna get hounded for killing dozens of terrorists in the most extreme way possible? Why didn’t you call in for backup Doug? We had three whole SWAT teams at the wait for you. I can’t believe it.

I’m sorry, this is a christian server. Put your filth elsewhere. Tumblr’s new slogan! Once known for filthy gifs and horny sketches of the brothers from Supernatural doing very un-brotherly things, now it’ll be known as dead. Even if the people that use it just to share funny gifs of their favorite shows would stay, they held a giant party celebrating the burning of all their bridges. But for now, until those Green Lantern/Sonic shippers find somewhere else to argue, you can have some fun looking at all the mundane things their system has flagged as NSFW.

Vegans? More like ME-gans, because being vegan consumes you. It’s like vampirism except lame. You have to constantly think about where you’re gonna get your next meal if it’s not at home. You have to make sure nothing has even touched a bit of silver or garlic. It goes from being your diet to being your personality. Your reflection disappears, you gain the ability to turn into both a wolf and a swarm of bats, you constantly have to fight off members of the Richter family, you can fly and set stuff on fire and command humans with your mind, wait- this is starting to sound pretty sweet. BRING ON THE KALE!

And more on this weeks episode! Voicemails, news, and imitations abound! Thanks for all of you that support the show, and if you haven’t already you can check us out on PATREON and DISCORD.