Welcome back folks, to Here's What I Don't Get, America's favorite game show! I'm your host Chip Folksworth, and boy do we have a show for you. Tonight, we begin by welcoming back last week's contestant, who is on a five week run, it's Brian! Go ahead and wheel him out, Jim! Now, Brian can't quite see or hear anymore, so we've got a handy-dandy translator spelling into his palm. Thanks, Janice. Now, tonight, Brian has reached Level 9! And as we all know, Level 9 is the......RUSH ROUND! That's right, Brian is going to have to complete all eight previous challenges as fast as he can, all while avoiding The Decimator! So, Brian, are you ready to do the Destruction Derby, Home Run Challenge, Piranha Speed Swim, CIA Torture Rally, Ice Cream Marathon, Bomb Defusal, Nose Hair Pluck, and Napalm Slip N' Slide all over again?! No? Now Brian, remember, you've got the chance to win $2,500. No? Well, that's it folks! Back to Guantanamo he goes! Rich, tell the folks what he's won:
* Risk Aversion
* Fire Alarms
* Patio Eating
* Bad Trailer Music
Daredevils. Risk-takers. Everyone wants to be one, but nobody wants to be one, you dig? Humans are genetically programmed to want safety. To want routines. The second something interferes with that, you get a buzzing at the back of your skull that warns you. Don’t make that phone call, don’t meet that person, don’t dye your hair. Fear of the unknown paralyzes us into non-action, scared of consequences that will, in all likelihood, never come. Now that you are armed with this knowledge, go! Go out into the world and say YES to whatever it may be. But first maybe finish binging that Netflix show. And its Third Season. And the spin-off. Okay, maybe just stay indoors forever.
FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE! Did you get up out of your chair and run to the nearest exit? No? Why not? Not exciting enough? Well, most fire alarms are just about as effective. Unless you’ve got the demon-in-a-box that Tim has. That’s what every building needs to switch to, a demon in a box. Literally. If a literal demon burst into your office smelling of brimstone, yelling at the top of its lungs, you’d HAUL ASS out the nearest door.
What’s a patio good for? Nothing. We’re evolved beings. We literally invented ways of building shelter just to not have to eat in the rain. So you tell me you want to eat out on the patio? In the sun and heat? With bugs everywhere? Where cars just zoom by, sending CO2 directly down our throats? On uncomfortable metal chairs? Are you out of your mind? How about I have the chef come out and cook your food directly on the sidewalk? Is that outside enough for you? Enjoy your gravel omelette.
The music in a trailer makes or breaks the experience. Sure you could watch a trailer muted and get 50% of the enjoyment, but the other 50% is brought by that music. So, when something you’re looking forward to really drops the ball on matching the music to the action, it can be a real bummer. Whether it’s mismatched energy, or another hackneyed, slow, depressing cover of an otherwise great pop song, you’re losing sales.
Plus more on this salsa-filled episode! We’ve got this month’s movie commentary nominees, your voicemails, crazy news and more! As always, check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more phat lifted trucks.