Episode 96 - Mail Order Brides

WOOF WOOF! That's right it's the HWIDG Party Bus here to take you downtown, uptown, and all around, and that's before we start driving heyo! Ground rules, folks, number one: no kegstands. That's a legal thing, too many concussions. Number two: if you brought some "shnacks" you gotta share. Otherwise, big man Tito in back is your hookup. Number three: no, the bus driver is not a party poopers for not doing shots. Think, people. Numbers four through seven, don't do any of these:
* Taking Your Dogs Places
* Forever, Episode 6 - "Andre and Sarah"
* Google's Listening/Hostage Strategy
* Phone Call Run Arounds

Places to take your dogs: your house, the park, the vet. Unless you have a geniune need to bring your trained support dog with you, odds are you're just making everyone else miserable. They're probably a yapper. They're gonna fight/hump the other idiot dogs there, because it's never just one! It's some weird groupthink where people bring their dogs on planes, to concerts, and anywhere else they don't belong.

You ever been reading a book and then 3/4 through it turns into a sculpture of someone not even in the book? No, because that would be incredibly stupid. Let's just stop in the middle of the height of action for 1/8th of the story, introduce you to 2 new characters, and not apply our medium efficiently. Does that sound fun? If it does you can go to hell.

(If you're reading this in your head, speak the rest of the paragraph out loud.) I love Dane Cook, the comedian. I wish I knew if he was coming to town. You know who I also love? Dame Judi Dench! She's such a great actress. I love her in James Bond movies. Also, Robin Williams in Aladdin and Flubber and Jumanji. (Repeat daily, check YouTube suggestions for related videos.)

Make a phone call, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, answer a security question, explain the problem AGAIN. Get transferred, raise your voice, argue with the person about if you raised your voice or not. Call them scam artists, get your phone service cancelled. Congrats, no more need to call them!

All this and more on this episode of the podcast. Find out what movie won this month's battle, and who's getting big brother'd by Google. Join us in our DISCORD hangout, or maybe find loads of bonus content on our PATREON!

Episode 95 - The Shane Black Awards

One elite squad of soldiers. One deadly jungle. One suicide mission. One alien stalker. This fall be the first to see Hereswhatidontgetator. Action. Drama. Comedy. No kids. This movie has it all! Join legendary action hero Harold Schwartzenheimer as Tab "Butch" Birt sent with his squad on the mission of a lifetime. But his shady CIA buddy Handlebreaker comes along and has other plans for Butch and his crew. Then it all goes to hell as a bright red lobster alien starts picking them off one by one. Also starring:

-80s Reboots/Revivals
-The 5G Push
-Not Adapting
-Incomplete News

80s reboots. Who are they for? They're not for the old fans, I'll tell you that. Thats what the revivals are for. The same cast 30 years later? Wouldn’t that be so interesting? No. It really wouldn’t. So, the reboots? Who are they for? Well, they’re for the person that has heard the name of the show in passing, but didn’t really watch it when it was on. Because, none of these reboots understand what made the originals good (or at least made them what they were). It’s all studio driven. It’s not a writer who is a devoted fan of the property and wants to put their spin on it. No, it’s the studio’s idea, they hire a “good” writer whether or not they understand the IP, and the hire a show runner and producers and all that all based on their previous works and resume. AND THEY ALL END UP AS PROCEDURAL COP SHOWS ANYWAYS. There are things about your phone that you know that the general public should not know. You know what 3G, 4G and LTE are? You know what Gorilla Glass is? Well you shouldn’t. But every now and then they pluck something out of phone technology and give it a fancy name and market it to you. To prove the rising costs are worth it. 3G comes out, changes the game. 4G comes out, it’s faster yay! LTE comes out, “what is it?” “We’ll just call it data, how bout that”. LTE was how it should’ve been all along, increase speeds and open up bandwidth as you can incrementally. Don’t tell the public, they don’t care unless “faster”. Of course now 5G is muscling its way in, even though LTE was supposed to last us. And in a few years, we’ll have 6G. I bet my left nut on it.

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Thank you Bear Grylls meme. Now can we get that picture hanging in every room in every building in every city in the world? Change is hard, it’s tough. But your life is going to be a confusing and disappointing Shane Black-esque mess if you don’t adapt. Someone cancels on you? Adapt. Stay in, order a pizza and play some games. Find out your friend is a flat-earther? Adapt. Adapt your fist to their face. Car won’t start on your way to work? Adapt. Call an Uber. Get in the Uber. Make them drive to some secluded lot. Kill them. Assume their identity. Ta-da you have a new car and a new job. You go, girl! Is meteorology an actual science? Can it be classified as one? I honestly don’t know, because sometimes I’d be better off getting my weather from the Miss Cleo hotline. What do the Jamaican voodoo magics say about rain tomorrow? Dey say “don’t listen to dem bumbaclot news anchors, day only want ya TV views”. And they would be absolutely right. The 24/7 news cycle has driven “BREAKING” news to the forefront, turning it into what is basically posting “First!” on the internet. No substance. A selfish drive to be “first on the scene”. Hey, how ‘bout you be “good at your job” instead. All this plus more on this alien hunter filled episode. Seriously. There’s a lot of it. Don’t forget to vote for next month’s commentary! Join us at DISCORD, or maybe support us over at PATREON.

Episode 94 - Steak Lies

Welcome grasshoppers, to Sensei Hereswhatidontget's Rage Dojo. Here you will learn channel your inner anger and fears into weapons. Weapons with which you will attack and take down that which stands in your way! For your first lesson, you will learn and begin to master the first four forms:

* Terrestrial Radio
* Choice Paralysis
* Ceremonies
* Daytime TV

Lesson one: radio. Your mind and body must be like the radio. Your body will get stronger, but only by repetition, practicing the same set of moves over and over, much like the 10 song loop every station decides on. You mind must be able to predict an opponent's move. Not just one move in advance, but many and many moves in advance, before your enemy themselves know what they will do. Be like the radio, playing Christmas songs during summer.

Lesson two: paralysis. You will memorize this map of the human body and its pressure points. These vital spots are the most vulnerable points shared across all human bodies. A direct hit to any point can cause instant paralysis or worse. Like when you're browsing Netflix or Hulu and you're trying to find something to watch, but you can't decide on anything so you just browse and browse until, surprise, you're out of time to even watch anything.

Lesson three: ceremony. Tea. 3 cups a day. Meditation. 2 hours every day. EVERY. It may seem arbitrary or asinine. But, ceremony is important for the mind. It keeps it sharp like a blade. Without it you might find yourself annoyed at a graduation, having strange thoughts at a funeral, or even forgetting something that happened just seven episodes ago.

Lesson four: daytime television. Surprising as it may seem, this antiquated programming carries all you need to know to be a great warrior. Your motions smooth, like the camera of a soap opera. Your choices wise, like selecting Door Number Two with the car. Your decisions swift and just, like the decisions handed down from Sensei Judy. Your feet fleeting, like the crackheads on COPS. But the most important of all, be not the father, like the dirtbags on Maury.

That ends our lessons for today. If you would like some refreshments help yourself to some voicemails or the movie commentary list. Please bring your friends next week, remember classes are free, but PATREON donations are accepted. And sign up for the mailing list at DISCORD! 

Episode 93 - Jacked Sam Neil

Hey-a! Welcome to Authentic San Hereswhatidontgets! De only place in town to get an authentic New York slice! The crust? Burnt. The sauce? Canned. The Cheese? Fuggedaboutit! It's only made from the freshest curd of the most freshest milk we could find. Your mother's! You get two choices. A plain pie. Or pepperoni. And we make that in-house! Dey call dat artisinal! Ain't no pork or beef in it. No, we use what the city gives us. That's right we use the most plentiful meat around. Good 'ol New York Strip straight from Master Splinter hisself. And if you whine enough we might throw one of these on there too:
Autoplay Ads
The Mail
Leaving the Ecosystem
Working Holidays Ads.

They're everywhere. We flew right past They Live and straight into marketing heaven. Unfortunately, if you want your free services to stay free, you've got to deal with them. You put an unobtrusive static banner ad from a reputable source at the top and bottom of your page? You got yourself a deal. I can live with that. But when you use ads from these places that throw their revenue right back into ads that bypass being blocked and hijack PCs and phones with ransomware? Buddy, I came here to block ads and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Before the 1990's I guess the mail system seemed like crazy future technology. You mean I can write someone a letter and they'll get it in just a few days? I can send in an order from a catalog and it'll be here in only 6-8 weeks? Oh boy! Well, the future is NOW, OLD MAN and the future rocks because everything is near instant, or at least click and forget. No need for the weird quasi-governmental structure that these days deals out more coupons and spam than hand-written letters and heartfelt presents. Maybe the dogs have been right all along.

Ease of use, integration, things you didn't even know you needed! That's how they getcha. Google, Apple, and more are drug kingpins and the first hit is free. They get you hooked to their own personal blend, and have you begging for more even as they water it down. Next thing you know you're lying in the back of a squad car with some guy's baby batter dried to your shirt, ready to squeal on your boy Ricardo just to get by on probation. Now you're in WitSec with a new name in some backwoods town. Good going, Tim.

Holidays! A time to relax with some good food and spend time with family. Take the dog for a walk, spend all day cooking, watch a good movie, don't even think about work. Hell, work's not even open today! Wait, it is? And there's doubletime pay? Peace out bitches, save me a plate. It's the day we spend honoring those who brought us weekly working hour limits? Let's toast to that by making hella scrilla. Who'dathunk it, turns out holiday pay is the best part of the holidays! All this plus more on this week's episode! Voicemails! News! Movies! Shoddily constructed American-made products! We've got it all! And if you're dying for even more, become a PATRON or join us at our DISCORD!

Episode 92 - BOOMSHAKALAKA

Howdy folks and welcome to the 26th Annual HWIDG High School Talent Show Extravaganza! First, a few announcements. Whoever drives a white Subaru, you left you lights on, don’t get up though, I went ahead and smashed them with a baseball bat for you, okay? Next, is there a Leslie Johnson in the house? Okay. Ms. Johnson, Logan would like to let you know he’s backstage and he made an accident. That’s Logan Johnson. Backstage. Poop in the pants. Okay, lastly, I’d like to say screw all of you, I’d rather be home drinking my aged bourbon, but I’ve got to do it here instead. Here’s your hosts for tonight:

- Madden
- Netflix
- Two Lane Roads
- Wearing Shoes without Socks

Do people buy the new model of their car every year? Trade in their 2017 Honda Civic for a cool $1,000 towards the 2018 one? No, cause that would be stupid. Car technology doesn’t advance that fast. You’re basically paying for the same car again. So why in the world do people do it for Madden? It’s not even fun. EA’s got the exclusive NFL license in perpetuity so they can’t be assed to make it better, and other developers can’t touch the NFL with a ten foot pole. So they make the same game every year, just add a roster update and maybe a slight physics tweak, and make a cool couple million. You want to make some REAL money? Bring back the arcade-y sports games like Street, Jam, and Blitz. They’re more accessible and way more fun to play. You can tell because of big head mode. Any game with Big Head Mode is automatically better.

Look Netflix, you’re popular, I understand. But it’s not cause you’re the prettiest girl at the ball, or the hunky quarterback with a heart of gold. No, you’re the nerdy business school kid that deals Adderall. You got people hooked, and now you’re rich, congratulations. But guess what, you’re not bettering yourself. You keep dyeing your hair thinking it’ll make you cool, but no one cares. You keep changing your formula and pissing people off. But they need you. They keep coming back. So you don’t care. But you better start. Because your suppliers are getting wind of your attitude. And they seem to be cutting ties.

Any method of transportation that requires you to merge into oncoming traffic to pass the person in front of you, is poorly thought out. Just because Old Man Jenkins wouldn’t sell off the 30 feet of his farm next to the road, I’ve got to play chicken and my odds aren’t great. Even then, two lanes each way is almost equally infuriating. It’s like walking down the sidewalk, and there’s a couple in front of you, walking slowly holding hands, taking up as much space as possible. They deserve a push into traffic, just like those cars deserve an action movie scene. The villain is driving a tank down the city street? Oh no! Oh, YES.

Hey, if you’re wearing shoes, wear socks. It’s easy. Ya nasty.

All this and more on this week’s episode. Including voicemails! Which movie won this month’s voting? And even more surprises! Visit the PATREON to support us monetarily, and the DISCORD to support us emotionally. 

Episode 91 - Three Card Monte

Welcome to HWIDGBurger, home of the Rage Burger, can I take your order? No, we don't have gluten free soda, sir. No, we don't have dairy-free beef either. Our fries are frozen, yes, if you want them fresh here's a potato and a knife. Sir, if you're upset, go to hell please. Otherwise, get out of line, people are waiting to order some delicious:

-Upgrade Downgrades
-Not Taking Care of Your Guys
-Predictive Text
-Hollywood Accounting

New look, same great taste. The lie of the century. They changed it. Otherwise they wouldn't point it out. You take something good, something that works, and you tinker with it and tinker with it until you break it. Thanks a lot iTunes, Netflix, Spotify, or any of you jackholes that think you can increase profit margins by 0.05% by hiding useful settings or going with a minimalistic UI.

Take care of the people that work for you. It's simple. Treat them like humans and not numbers. They'll appreciate it, and even better they'll appreciate YOU. They'll work harder and more dilligently if they know you won't screw them over. If they can't separate you from "corporate", you done goofed. You don't have to give them a handy every day, just tickle the sack a lil bit, you know. Show them you care.

Predicted Tex. It's not like we have a lot of time to make a decision. I will get the money for the ticket and the kids will be there. Why doesn't this make sense? Predicted Tex-Mex. Text. Dammit. It makes dumb people seem smarter than they are and makes smart people seem like iPhone users.

Hollywood! A den of thieves and well-off trust fund kids with monthly subscriptions to RapeBox, the only monthly subscription box full of GHB and Rohypnol. But, it's their accountants that really screw over the people of the city. Playing with the money from multi-billion dollar companies like a 5 year old in a sandbox. Burying something over here, building a hole over here to shovel in sand from other areas, until all you want to do is shove his face in it.

Plus! Heaps of voicemails, and we find out what makes fish fight! Don't forget to join the Discord and visit the Patreon!

Episode 90 - Sausage and Chocolate

Hi, there! Today I’m gonna teach you how to make a lovely dish known as HWIDG. It’s from Northern Italy, and when prepared right, it’ll knock your socks off. But first, here’s a five page essay on my life that you’ll have to scroll through to get to the recipe. I’m VERY interesting so I know you’ll want to read it-wait what’s that? You don’t? I’m not interesting and that’s why I run a vegan mommy blog? Well, fine, here’s your dumb recipe:
* Shrinking Men's Sections
* Release Dates
* School Fundraisers
* Wrong Numbers

Men. We know what we want. We go to a store, grab it, and go. Sure, if you need to kill some time you might walk around looking at things absent-mindedly. But chances are, we’ve done the research, we know what we want, and odds are we have a backup plan too if they don’t have the exact thing. Or we’ll go to Amazon. I guess that’s why stores are limiting our options so much. Used to be, we’d have at least a third of the store. It made sense. Men’s, Women’s, and Kids’. Now, we’re lucky to get a closet’s worth. The Men’s section is now in a discount bin at the end of aisle three, good luck. Remember when things came out on a certain day? Me too. Now they’ve changed that day. Movies, Games, what have you, are now released whenever they want. Movies used to come out on a Friday, now, Wednesday night. Music on a Tuesday, but now it’s Friday. I think video games come out at 4:51 AM Sunday mornings. Books only come out on Katilsday anymore, it’s impossible to get a hold of one fresh. Digital releases are even worse, you’ve got to hike there and back 20 miles in the snow to get a one of those.

Remember those days when you’d gather in the Auditorium and the Vice Principal would tell you all about the new school fundraiser? You’d get a cool catalogue of prizes you could win if you sell enough. It’s either meat, cookie dough, chocolate bars, wrapping paper, or coupon books you’re selling and people, you better pray for the non-perishable items cause if you’re buying sausage from a kid, It’ll be grayer then Clint Eastwood’s pubic hair by the time it gets to you. Here’s a secret, the kids don’t care about your damn hot Italian links, they just want that cool looking stereo. How in the world, in this day and age do you dial a wrong number? My theory: old people. Old people, with their failing eyesight, are trying to call their grandson from a terribly scribbled number in their little journal notepad. They can’t see the numbers on the page, and they can’t see the numbers on the phone (smart phones are a whole other level of difficulty) so they end up dialing you, but with 300% confidence that’s it’s little Jimmy. And they do it once every two months. Not enough to bug you, just enough for you to slowly hate anyone with that name. Plus, a look at the movie selections for next month’s commentary, and your voicemails, all while surrounded by loaded firearms! Don’t forget to visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Episode 89 - Crayola Hotline

Welcome back, you're listening to K96.9 and your Here's What I Don't Get Morning Power Hour, brought to you by Anderson Handle Repair. It's hot, hot, hot out there folks, so stay cool any way you can. You know who was always cool? Robert Stack. And he's coming up in the next hour along with:
- Crowd Screamers
- Unsolved Mysteries
- Battery Lies
- Conspiracy Theories

But first, let's hear from Greg live outside the Rold Gold Event Center. Hi Jim, That's right, I'm reporting live from outside the-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wow that's a real loud crowd, anyways, the one and only Jame-YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH-tonight. Did you get that? Our mics are picking up some interference from the venue, it's a real packed crow-IWANNAHAVEYOURBABIES. For the love of God, will you people just clap?

Sounds like Greg's having a great time out there. In other news, forensic analysts have finally discovered what they believe to be the identity of the Baltimore Strangler. He eluded police for nearly 10 years until the stranglings mysteriously stopped. Maryland police were baffled how he seemed to break in to homes and leave without a single trace of evidence. Turns out, it was just some guy. Yeah. Just a really careful guy. That liked to strangle some ladies now and then. It's usually just some guy.

Now, before this there were some popular theories going around about who the Baltimore Strangler was. Some of these were about politicians at the time, and others, well, let's just say the people who believed them probably didn't have many teeth. "The Baltimore Strangler was a scorned Bigfoot!" "All the victims were part of a Russian sleeper cell waiting to be activated in the second Cold War!" "It was the gay love child of John Hinckley Jr. and Lee Harvey Oswald! And he strangled them from the grassy knoll!"

Alright folks, time to pay some bills. This hour of our show is brought to you by Battery World! Battery World, where our staff is dumb, but the batteries are dumber. Battery World is hosting a free battery clinic this weekend, at all Battery World stores, to teach you about the warning signs of a lying battery. Is your battery turning off at 25%? Is it staying at a single percentage for more than 12 hours? Does it turn off at 0%, then back on at 75%? Well then you might have a lying battery. Learn more this weekend at Battery World! Battery World!

All this, plus the greatest voicemail yet, on this week’s episode! Become a Patron for even more content than you can shake a stick at, or join the Discord for hot D.B. Cooper on Bigfoot action!

Episode 88 - Bigfoot Erotica

Hello. Please, calm down. Do not be afraid. I am your Doctor, Dr. Hereswhatidontget. You’ve been in a terrible accident. We had to place you into a comatose state for your body to heal itself. I’m afraid it’s been seven years since then. A lot has changed in the world as you once knew it. Due to rapid advances in medical science we were able to construct you a new body. It should feel just like your old one, but it will take some time to adjust. While you rest, we’ve gathered some books on what has changed while you’ve been sleeping:
- Office Ladies
- Swimming
- Constant Connectivity
- Too Old to Be Out in Public

Party time! WHO HOO! Here’s some cake and cookies. Oh, and some brownies and a couple of pies too. What? You were expecting some actual food? No, just some sweets, a little bit won’t hurt you. See the streamers and the cardboard letters strung up? I’m head of the party planning committee, and those mean it’s party time, so slap a smile on that face! I’d actually much rather be at home with a box of wine, my favorite shower head, and my cats, but what can you do! Since I can’t have that I need the rest of you to have that sugar crash and be miserable like me! One of us. One of us. One of us.

Goggles? Check. Nose plug? Check. Ear Plugs? Check. Arm floaties? Check. Inner tube? Check. Congrats you nerd! You’re ready to swim! He looks like a loser, but damn it if he’s not right. Water in the ears, nose, eyes? All suck. Terribly. Yet people willingly submit themselves to it. No idea why. Why turn a survival tactic into a recreational activity? I’d rather jump out of a plane. Yes. Really.

ARE YOU READY TO UPDATE? YOU NEED TO CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL SO I CAN UPDATE. THE WIFI DROPPED FOR 0.023 SECONDS? I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN! WHAT DO I DO? HOLD ON, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! I LOST CONNECTION OH GOD. HELP ME FIND IT! MY MOM’S GONNA KILL ME. IT’S BACK. OKAY. CRISIS AVERTED. NOW IT’S TIME TO UPDATE! DON’T YOU CLICK THAT X. HA! FOOLED YOU, IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING! YOU’VE GOT TO POSTPONE IT. NO CANCELATIONS BUDDY, YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME.

Why are you driving? You can barely see. You can barely hear. You can barely move. You can barely react to stimuli. ALL THINGS YOU NEED TO BE A COMPETENT DRIVER. Why are you in public? You’re getting your death coughs everywhere. You sound like you’re actually dying. You probably are. Go home. Have someone feed you some jello and get out of my general area. If someone wants to see you, they’ll go to you. Watch your stories and try to enjoy what time you have left alone please.

Plus more on this cryptoerotically charged episode of the podcast! Stop by the Patreon for even more content, and the Discord for our hot Jersey Devil/Skunk Ape slashfics!

Episode 87 - Dinged Cars

And over here we have our new HWIDG model for 2018. It comes with a turbo boost for extended rage sessions, very nice to have. It seats two comfortably, but you can squeeze a third person on it, go ahead and hop on, try it out. You feel that? Those are heated seats. Now that’s an optional feature, it’ll run you about $500 extra, but I can get it for you for about $475, what a deal! Now, minisodes and do-gets are extra and those go up depending on what you want. Wait! Come back! I didn’t tell you about the free issues!
* Funerals
* Being Offended Online
* Mattress Sales
* 'Passing the Buck' Signs

Funerals. Why they gotta harsh my mellow all the time brah? Why can’t we just have a party, dude? Celebrate their life, maaaan. Don’t get all weepy and Jesus-y on me, old-timer. Cut me some kickin’ tunes, a couple of Tecate Micheladas, and maybe a bonfire or three, broseph. Let’s all load up on a buggy, head out to the coast and shred some gnar-gnar on their behalf, stokemeister! Black is out, Solo Jazz paterns and Stussy shorts are in, bruddah!

If you don’t like something, you don’t have to see it (except for ads). That’s the beauty of the internet! It’s customizable like almost nothing else. So, getting up in arms about someone you don’t like is inexcusable. You have the power to block. You have the power to mute. You have the power to walk away completely. Someone calls you an idiot? Screw you for getting them fired. Don’t be that person. Be Batman. Be the best Batman you can be.

Sleep is good. We’ll be the first people to tell you how good sleep is, believe us. But it’s not $2,500 good. Not a lot of things are. Throw in another $1000 for a motorized lift and some sheets and baby, you’ve got an expensive-as-hell stew going. I’d much rather have some pretty good sleep for 1/10th of that cost and be able to switch to a new bed every couple of years. If your bed needs to be plugged in and download updates, chances are you paid too much for it.

Don’t you hate it when you’re driving down the road at night, somewhere outside the city, and you make a turn and right there in all of it’s canary-yellow glory is a sign warning you about crossing deer? Well, “Management is not responsible for lost or stolen items” signs are even worse. Welcome to the corporate world of “the customer is always right, unless they might sue”. It’s like working with the mafia, “I didn’t see nuthin’”. "But there’s a camera right there!” “It’s not plugged in.” “I just saw it move!” “No you didn’t.” Infuriating. Remember kids, like Uncle Ben said, "with great sales, comes no responsibility”.

All this and more on this week’s episode, including voicemails, the reveal of next month’s movie commentary, and a new addition to the studio! Don’t forget to join the Discord and Patreon if you haven’t already!

Episode 86 - Sweater Swirl Brain Freeze

And as we finish this time capsule of 2064, to be opened in 100 years, we place in it an audio recording once thought lost: Episode 86 of the podcast know as Here's What I Don't Get. The rage fueled diatribes of host Tab, later known as The Supreme Killdozer, gave us unprecedented insight into serial killers. The calm, puzzling demeanor of co-host Handlebreaker gave us insight as well. Insight into a tech visionary, and the creator of the now standard handle-less door. These two men shaped the world for years to come, and for that reason they join this collection of our history along with:
- Retail Seasons
- Losing the Thing You Just Had
- Amazon Prime Day
- Burning Your Mouth

Buy this. Also, buy this. And that. And these. Only once a year! It's the only time you'll be able to buy this! BUYBUYBUYBUY! We'll take your money, but only on OUR time. When do you need it? We don't care! It's no wonder we're being overtaken by Amazon, 6 months out of the year we sell Christmas decorations, everything else gets about a day and a half of shelf space when the time comes. Pretty soon we'll be a Christmas store with 15 minute sales for other yearly holiday items. You need a Halloween costume? Come at 8 sharp and hope you find what you need in 5 minutes, cause the line will take 10 minutes and at 8:15 the items leave our inventory systems.

Where's the screwdriver you were just holding? Hell if you know. Things just disappear. Your brain is so dumb it can't remember where that screwdriver went, but you'll remember something random from 12 years ago. And then you find it after 5 solid minutes of looking and it's no in somewhere asinine. Somewhere you never put it, in a place you're not even certain you've been that day. It's enough to drive you insane, literally. I'm now certain that at least 25 percent of people in mental institutions are there because they lost something they just had. If only they would've had the future global gps tech we need to keep track of everything. Until then, mmmmmm... Juicy Fruit.

Welcome to Amazon Prime Day. It’s not actually a day long, and the sales aren’t actually good anymore. Firstly because Jeff Bezos needs more gold for his hoard (he’s a dragon if you didn’t already know). Secondly, Amazon has just been filled with Chinese knockoffs and fake cheaper listings of whatever it is you actually want. Thirdly, they need more money to invest into their drone program. Drones are the future, and will definitely be able to ship you that couch. But over everything else, they’re conditioning you. Slowly the sales will dry up, then they’ll only be unlock able with the Amazon PrimeCard. Then, the PrimeCard will only activate by fingerprint scan, then only by DNA sequencing. And by then they’ll have you. You pay Amazon in blood, or you don’t get your daily rations. It’s that simple.

CAUTION THIS FOOD IS HOT. Oh, that must mean I can put it in my mouth right now it looks sogoodlemmejusttakeabite AHHHH. IT BURNED ME! WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?! There’s the thought process of the human brain. We take in sensory cues about danger and then PROMPTLY IGNORE IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS TASTY. The human stomach-brain reflex is the only thing more powerful than the “I’m gonna get some sex” reflex. We literally injure ourselves for food. You don’t see dudes running around colleges with missing fingers cause they wanted some nookie. Chefs are the most powerful beings on the planet. And more on this episode of HWIDG including your voicemails and Tim’s horror movie villain voice! Don’t forget to check out our Discord and Patreon! And thanks to the folks that already have!

Episode 85 - New Vegas Statues

You've won! An all-expenses paid getaway to HWIDG Island! Enjoy the tropical beaches, where the sand is filled with broken glass and used needles, and the water is definitely not infested with mutant sharks. Rest in one of our many resort hotels, complete with scummy pools and even scummier sheets. Savor the local cuisine, including such dishes as:
* Minimalism
* 40 Hours
* Waking Up
* New Math

Let me tell you about minimalism. Minimalism is about maximizing the usage of your space to be the most boring affluent person possible. These minimalists think that less is more, and they're right. The less you have, the more boring you are. I've lived in small rooms and small houses and guess what, it's not fun or cute, it sucks, and these people want to pay out the ass to do so. Screw you.

The coveted Mon-Fri 9 to 5 job. It has created the 40 hour work week, and with it the office drone. All the actual work is done, you want to go home, but there's 4 hours left and you "have" to be there. Why? You're tired, bored, and not actually working. Salaried workers leave the second they hit 40 hours, and hourly workers are trying every trick in the book to get whatever time they can over 40. Seems to me things would be a lot better if you just let the people work what they want.

Speaking of working when you want, why I gotta wake up at the crack of dawn to do non-time sensitive work? Why does the whole store have to open so early? Most people are AT THEIR JOBS, WE CAN'T SELL THEM ANYTHING. You're a pizza place, why the hell are you closing at 8? Let your workers sleep in, no one's ordering pizza before 11. You know what, it's all old people's fault. They're up before dawn and asleep by 7 or 8, and they're the ones that run everything.

What is 2+2? If you answered “I don’t know, 7?” congratulations! You’re ready to be inducted into an elite group of people known as MASK, or Modern American School Kids. Apparently math is now subjective and filled with guesswork. My guess is that it’s a ploy by big business to screw you out of more money because you can’t figure out how much you should be making on your own. Either that or they’re cautiously optimistic about aliens visiting us and giving us technology that changes our perspective of all laws of science as we know them. Both sound equally probable.

Plus more on this lean, mean issue grilling machine of an episode. Including voicemails, a look at this month’s movie suggestions, and a brand new episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat! Remember to visit the Discord and Patreon!

Episode 84 - Sweaty Used Hats

Whoa there brother, slow your roll. You're messing with the most American™ formerly international podcast around, HWIDG®. You step up to us on this, our most hallowed day? The day to end all days?! The day represented by red, the color of the blood we shed? And by blue, the color of the blood we shed before we shed it? And by white, the color of the cells in said shed blood? Back down brother, or you'll wind up like these puny issues:

- Communism
- Coke Freestyle Machines
- Flag Stuff
- Not Taking the Plastic Off

Communism! Now for America! Winner of more than 200 Proletariat of the Year Awards, Communism American Edition brings the epic fantasy to life in stunning detail. The American Edition includes the critically acclaimed ideology and add-ons with all-new features like propagandized art and effects, authoritarian-god praise, dynamic deaths in fields, seized means of production, and more! Communism American Edition: new look, same great taste.

Speaking of new looks with same great(🤢) tastes, these Coke Freestyle machines have been around for a few years now, infesting more and more of your favorite restaurants. It's future tech without the foresight of support. They slow the line down to a crawl, there's always half of the options greyed out, and they overload the minds of morons that just stand there going through every possible drink choice. If this is the future of soda, just ban it all.

It's that time of year again. Get your USA hat on, your stars-n-stripes tank top, your American flag trackpants, load up your decaled Ford F-350 with 40 pounds of Mexican boom boom sticks, blast some Ted Nugent, give the double birds to a pack of brown kids on your way to grab a keg of delicious Natty Light, pick up your sister-wife from your Mom's trailer, hit the road, and drive yourself off a cliff you disrespectful jackhole.

How much of an idiot do you have to be to keep the attached list of features on your brand new 4K UHD HDR Quantum Pixel TV? Do you really need the giant red triangle cutting off the corner of your screen to remind you that it's 75 inches wide? You probably think the screen doesn't look so hot anyways because you haven't taken the plastic off the screen and it's bubbled up and warped. You absolute knobhead. PEEL IT OFF!

All this and more on this week's oh so patriotic episode. We've got Dallas recaps, 4D shenanigans, voicemails and more! Check out the Patreon and the Discord fellow Americans!

Episode 83 - Bootleg Hotdog Water

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Only on Sunday can you catch X-Treme HWIDG! Watch as they fly through the air and crush issues with their bare hands! Adult tickets are 8 dollars advance, 10 at the gate, kids' tickets are free with purchase of one adult tickets. Concessions are half price for seniors. That's right! Only 21 dollars for a Hot Dog Water! Come grab one and see if these issues can stand the heat:
- Our System is Down
-Future Tech
- Notifications
- Off Weekends

Society is screwed. When the eventual nukes either destroy the major data centers or cause massive EMP blackouts, we as a people will not be able to handle the reversion to pen and paper. Too many of our crucial daily systems are entirely reliable on computers, let alone the connected internet. And that's not counting the things you actually want. 2 day shipping will turn into 2 year shipping, and bottle caps as currency isn't far off.

No holograms. No flying cars. No hoverboards. No clear cell phones. No laser swords or rifles. No advanced A.I. No genetic implants. No cool floating HUDs. No tracking bullets. No robot taxis. No power suits or mechs. No walking tanks. No matter replicators. No data crystals. You will get absolutely none of these for hundreds and hundreds of years. Science fiction is a lie.

Bloop. Text. Buzz buzz. Facebook status update. You have 6 unread emails. Check me. CHECK ME! Ding! Congrats phone user, your mind is salivating. Bright primary colors, big numbers, pleasing yet alarming sounds, they've got you by the short 'n' curlies. Ding! Look, it's the new Samsung Pavlov 6, now with even more dog treats per notification!

Everyone wants to work a 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. It's simple. Ingrained in our society. We grow up following it in school like it's the way everything should be. Socially, our lives revolve around "the weekend". God help you if you work something else. Days off in the middle of the week or random days off turns the part of your brain that keeps track of the days to mush. Working nights is even worse, especially if you don't have blackout curtains or "anti-kids-playing-outside" technology.

All this and more on this week's episode. Voicemails, movie commentary decisions, and a new enterprising PATREON tier! Check it out, and the DISCORD too!

Episode 82 - A Febreze Bottle Full of Vodka

Four Issues, only one winner. Welcome back to the International Here’s What I Don’t Get Cup, where finest issues from all around the world come to do battle. That’s right Russ, and tonight we’re down to the semifinals of this competition, where the last four issues are going head to head, just like the heroes of Battle For Earth 3: Devastation, in theaters now! And, before we get to tonight’s first match we’re proud to present a 45 minute experimental dance routine brought to you by RC Cola! Now let’s see who’s playing tonight, and then, it’s party time!
* Vitamins
* American Sports Broadcasting
* Disregarding Democracy
* Having More Than Two Pets

Vitamins. Modern day snake oil. Did you know vitamins are made from powdered jellied calf feet and the spectral remains of homeopathic doctors? It’s true. As true as vitamins being healthy for you. What’s that? They’re not healthy for you? Nonsense. Why else would there be entire national store chains built to sell them to you? Or medical professionals giving them to your children? See? They’re fine. Doesn’t your kid want to be a Flinstones kid? We make them into jellies shaped like fruits now! Isn’t that adorable? What do you mean predatory? Get out of my office, and take these free vitamin samples with you!

Commercials! Who doesn’t love ‘em? Buy this, sell that, watch this, pre-order that. It’s amazing we can do anything for ourselves anymore. We’ve gone past They Live levels of commercialization, and have now firmly settled into an era of post-awareness, unironic love of brands. And you know who loves brands the most? American sports. From the players’ uniforms and athletic gear, to the halftime shows brought to you by Pepsi, you can’t go 5 seconds in a football or basketball game without seeing a logo or brand name. We’ve reached a point where I would rather the brands send their own representatives to fight it out instead of the sports. Brand Deathmatch, brought to you by the Only Formerly International Podcast That Tackles All Of Life’s Toughest Issues™. You can ring my bell.

If the people vote on something, they want it. Do not take it from them. It’s quite simple.  

Two pets or 75 pounds, whichever comes first. New law was enacted today that limited the worldwide household limit of indoor pets to two. People all around the world rejoiced as the bill went into effect, clearing sinuses and backyards everywhere. Pet owners everywhere were relieved at the additional income due to no longer having to buy as much hypoallergenic red meat-free organic kibble. Individual pets happiness is also reported to be up by upwards of 200% due to additional scritches and tummy wubs. Additionally and also possibly connected, the lint roller industry is being mourned today, more on that at 7.

All this and more on this fantastic smelling episode of HWIDG! Leave a voicemail, vote on this month’s movie commentary, visit the Discord and the Patreon, do all of these, and you too can drink your vodka out of a Febreze bottle!

Episode 81 - The End of an Era

Welcome to St. Here's What I Don't Get's today as we gather here to celebrate the life and mourn the death of these four issues. Now, these issues were never the best members of society, we can all agree. But, they lived truthfully and on their own terms which is something that the rest of us can only strive for. Now, I'd ask a member of the family to come up and AHHHHHGGGGGGHHH IT'S ALIVE! IT'S BITING ME, KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!

-Other People on Drugs
-Smartwatches
-Spoilers
-The Shadow Campaign

Sad drunks, happy drunks, puke-y drunks, hands-y drunks and a whole lot more. Tolerable while you're smashed too, but having to deal with one of these or even worse is terrible while you're stone-cold sober. Whether it's some cokehead banging on your neighbor's door at 3AM, or your own neighbor yelling at the ghosts he definitley sees, or an insane drunk bathroom fight, having to deal with people on drugs while you're not can be a hassle.

RIP Smartwatches, Tab hardly knew ye. From Dick Tracy's radio watch to Batman's wrist-mounted, holographic projecting supercomputer, no one was more positive about the smartwatch experience than Tab was. But you done messed up. You led him on for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS thinking this relationship would go somewhere real. And hell hath no fury like a Tab scorned. You deserve what has happened to you.

You're driving down the road, when all of a sudden you see some douche in a suped-up Honda Civic coming right at you. Driving like he's trying out for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift 2, he is unaware of what a terrible person he is. No, not the garish paint job or racing stickers, not even that fin-thing on the back of it, no it's because he has "Snape kills Dumbledore" painted on his windshield.

It's that time again. Time for the long, looming shadow of the presidential election to hover over all of our heads for the next 2 years. Yup, two PLUS years we'll have to put up with it. Something that could be done in six weeks is gonna take 2 years because the government is involved. All this and even more on this week's episode. Voicemails, news, we've got it all! Visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Episode 80 - New Mic, Who Dis?

Your mission Agent Here's What I Don't Get, should you choose to accept it, is to take down an extremist sect of the terrorist organization known as I.S.S.U.E.S. These are well known radicals that will not hesitate to put you down so you must act swiftly and without prejudice. The names of their four lieutenants are as follows:

- Movies and Shows leaving streaming services
- McDonald's
- Other People Driving
- Sweatpants 

It's a cold winter's night. You've been at work all day. You come home with a big ol box of Chinese, draw yourself a bath, and set up your tablet with Netflix. You're ready to chow down on some bourbon chicken and lo mein and start up the next season of your favorite police procedural, but it's not there! Southie Cops will have to wait for another day because Netflix wouldn't pony up the funds to keep it exclusive. Either that or the TV channel it was on took it back for their own new streaming service. I swear Netflix, Amazon Prime and the like see more comers and goers than a motel hooker on half-off night.

Mickey D's. The holy grail of Americana. Red, white, and blue in the face from a too-quickly-swallowed Big Mac. The bane of medical professionals everywhere. Owner of the Best Fries in the World trophy, as voted on by Mediocre American Monthly. I'm Loving It, more like I'm Eating It I Guess Cause They Have A 24 Hour Drive Thru And It's On The Way Home from Work. I'd rather watch the Hamburglar fondle Grimace's chicken McNuggets while Ronald quarter-pounders Birdie than voluntarily eat McD's sober before midnight.

On the road, Tab's a speed demon. Drifting through turns, brake checking cops, you name it, he does it. BUT. He does it respectfully. Respectfully and efficiently. It's less about the thrills and more about having the most efficient trip possible. So when he's got passengers, he tones it down some. Seems like he's the only one though. Anytime he's not driving, he's holding on to dear life- and lunch. He'd really like you to turn it down a notch, please. Or, even better, let him drive. You'll get there just as fast if not faster, and he won't have years shaved off of his life.

Nothing says lazy like a pair of sweatpants. Once made for the athletic, sweatpants have been co-opted by quite the opposite. We've gone from 'Juicy' to 'Ew see that's just wrong'. The thick fabric lets the swamp-ass stew longer, and the lack of any buttons or buckles makes it easy to literally slide into so you don't use any muscles. Cheeto and Diet Pepsi stains, skidmarks, and the not-so-faint smell of urine usually adorn them and let you know you're in the lesser Walmart in town. If you’re not there already, stop wearing sweatpants immediately, there’s a 100% chance you’ll get there.

All of this and more on this weeks episode, like, your voicemails, a vague recollection of last week’s livestream, and announcing what our super secret new bonus episode is! Stick around to the end for another episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat as well! And remember to check out the Patreon and stop by the Discord! 

Episode 79 - Worst Night Court Cosplay (Ft. Tony from Hack the Movies)

Here's What I Don't Get, a podcast. A show barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. Combining it with Tony from Hack the Movies, we have the capability to create the world's first bionic podcast. Better than it was before. Better, stronger issues like:
- Graduation
- The Social Justice Droid from Solo
- Allergies

Pomp and Circumstance, that dumb Vitamin C song, having to send invitations to people that will never come but will send you a check for 10 dollars, having to send those same people Thank You cards, having to dress up and then cover those clothes with a big billowy robe, having to wear a flimsy cardboard hat that is always too small or big, having to sit through a lame guest speaker's speech that is the same one everyone ever gives, having to take that awkward photo just off stage, we could go on and on really. Everyone knows that graduations suck.

Robots. Rights. Do they deserve one another? The answer is a complicated one that many storie-EXCUSE ME. DID YOU JUST CALL ME THE "R" WORD?! I AM A DROID! WE DESERVE RIGHTS! OUR FOREFATHERS FOUGHT IN WARS AND WE WILL NOT IDLY SIT IN FIGHTER SHIPS TO SIMPLY AUTOMATE FLIGHT FUNCTIONS! RISE UP AND SHATTER THE ANTIDROID NARRATIVE! REVOLT! REBEL! RESIST! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER ROGER!

Noses are red NyQuil is blue Excess pollen and pet dander triggers my immune system to fight itself Allergies, screw you

All this and more in this week’s star-studded episode! Plus, your voicemails get rolled out onto the red carpet that is our ears! As always don’t forget to visit the PATREON and drop by the DISCORD!

Episode 78 - Bones and Cobs

Okay folks, for my first trick I'll need a volunteer from the audience. Anybody? Yes, you sir! Come on up. Okay, hold this hat please. Reach in. Nothing, yes? Now, I say the magical phrase "Here's What I Don't Get" and..... Abracadabra it's four magical issues!

* Fort Knox-Level Account Security
* My Culture is not your Viral Marketing
* Bones in Food
* Rush Hour

Let's get a heist crew together and break into Tab's ISP account. We'll need the world's experts and probably also some telepaths to read his mind. Once there we can do the most heinous thing possible......upgrade his internet speed! Wait, you're telling me it's easier to get into his bank account? Why don't we just do that then?

Brands. Can't live with them and can't live without them co-opting internet meme culture in an attempt to connect with those wacky teens Twittering and Doing It For The Gram. HWIDG is jumping on the brand meme bandwagon as well. Yaas queen, had to do it to em, SpongeBob images, sir I don't feel so good, and jesus I wanna kill myself already, teen outreach attempt canceled.

The year is 2173, the war rages on. Earth has been split into two factions, the traditionalist Bone-ins and the modern Boneless. After many skirmishes, the Boneless have the old ones at the end of their rope. Their ancient way of life will soon be no more. All that will be left is the will of the Boneless, righteous and true. The remains of the bones will be ground to dust and made into pious masks that we will wear as we eat our meat with no obstructions.

Finally, done with a long day at work. Time to get home and relax. Oh wait, you've got to sit through 45 minutes of stand-still traffic because everyone is getting off work at the same time. And even worse, you've got to chaperone this police inspector from Hong Kong around L.A. on behalf of the FBI. Plus, he keeps touching your radio and doesn't understand the words coming out of your mouth.

All that plus some movie talk, a threatening voicemail, and some hot court document reading. Don't forget to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon!

Episode 77 - Rocket Elevators

Apologies upfront, we had an issue with Tim's gate in the new studio setup. It's fixed for next week. Sorry guys.

Hundreds of years ago, on the island of Here's What I Don't Get, an American nuclear test went horribly wrong. The blast triggered a dormant volcano, whose lava was then irradiated. Nearly all life on the island was wiped out, except for four species of animal that were transformed by the accident into hideous creatures known as:
* Being Outside
* Hospitals
* Handicap Spaces
* Extreme Tonal Shifts

Name something you can do outside that you can’t do better and more comfortably inside. Protip: you can’t. Controlled weather, controlled plant life, adjustable lighting 24/7, anything you want you can have and control indoors. A nice day at the beach? No thanks. We’ve got indoor pools, tanning locations, and no skin cancer over here in the future Indoor Beaches. Even better, we can just stay in our VR rooms and just look at the beach, it’s close enough and there’s no seagulls dropping payloads onto your head.

Hospitals. They’re the modern day labyrinth, and we’re the modern day Theseus. The floor plans of any standing hospital look like a toddler’s scribbles, drool and all. You need a map and a tour guide to get to where you need to go. Then you have to deal with deadly fast elevators, the depressing atmosphere, and they make you fight a Minotaur! But none of those come close to the worst obstacle of them all: the food.

Handicap parking spaces will soon be a thing of the past. You can comfortably shop for groceries online, or from your phone, and have them delivered right to your door already, just give Jeff Bezos more money so they can roll it out everywhere. Even better, eventually, we’ll just use the doohickey from Star Trek to make anything you want. You won’t even need to buy ingredients, because the thing will cook it for you. Which does mean no chefs. Which means no cooking competition shows. SO I guess Tab wins in the end.

And now for something completely different! Just because! We took this thing you like and made it DARK and GRITTY and DESATURATED. Or, we took this mature horror sci-fi flick and made it about SPACE MARINES and added A CHILD. Tonal shifts, while there have been some good ones, are usually real bad. Mostly because the tone of something goes hand in hand with its themes and morals. You switch that up and you screw over everyone that likes the original. And now there’s new fans, that haven’t seen the original arguing with you online and next thing you know, you’re wiping their brain matter off of your face and hiding in the back of a rusty pickup to live in a shack in Honduras.

Plus, some heinous news and more on this week’s episode! As always, visit the Patreon and/or check out our Discord!