Episode 86 - Sweater Swirl Brain Freeze
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And as we finish this time capsule of 2064, to be opened in 100 years, we place in it an audio recording once thought lost: Episode 86 of the podcast know as Here's What I Don't Get. The rage fueled diatribes of host Tab, later known as The Supreme Killdozer, gave us unprecedented insight into serial killers. The calm, puzzling demeanor of co-host Handlebreaker gave us insight as well. Insight into a tech visionary, and the creator of the now standard handle-less door. These two men shaped the world for years to come, and for that reason they join this collection of our history along with:
- Retail Seasons
- Losing the Thing You Just Had
- Amazon Prime Day
- Burning Your Mouth
Buy this. Also, buy this. And that. And these. Only once a year! It's the only time you'll be able to buy this! BUYBUYBUYBUY! We'll take your money, but only on OUR time. When do you need it? We don't care! It's no wonder we're being overtaken by Amazon, 6 months out of the year we sell Christmas decorations, everything else gets about a day and a half of shelf space when the time comes. Pretty soon we'll be a Christmas store with 15 minute sales for other yearly holiday items. You need a Halloween costume? Come at 8 sharp and hope you find what you need in 5 minutes, cause the line will take 10 minutes and at 8:15 the items leave our inventory systems.
Where's the screwdriver you were just holding? Hell if you know. Things just disappear. Your brain is so dumb it can't remember where that screwdriver went, but you'll remember something random from 12 years ago. And then you find it after 5 solid minutes of looking and it's no in somewhere asinine. Somewhere you never put it, in a place you're not even certain you've been that day. It's enough to drive you insane, literally. I'm now certain that at least 25 percent of people in mental institutions are there because they lost something they just had. If only they would've had the future global gps tech we need to keep track of everything. Until then, mmmmmm... Juicy Fruit.
Welcome to Amazon Prime Day. It’s not actually a day long, and the sales aren’t actually good anymore. Firstly because Jeff Bezos needs more gold for his hoard (he’s a dragon if you didn’t already know). Secondly, Amazon has just been filled with Chinese knockoffs and fake cheaper listings of whatever it is you actually want. Thirdly, they need more money to invest into their drone program. Drones are the future, and will definitely be able to ship you that couch. But over everything else, they’re conditioning you. Slowly the sales will dry up, then they’ll only be unlock able with the Amazon PrimeCard. Then, the PrimeCard will only activate by fingerprint scan, then only by DNA sequencing. And by then they’ll have you. You pay Amazon in blood, or you don’t get your daily rations. It’s that simple.
CAUTION THIS FOOD IS HOT. Oh, that must mean I can put it in my mouth right now it looks sogoodlemmejusttakeabite AHHHH. IT BURNED ME! WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?! There’s the thought process of the human brain. We take in sensory cues about danger and then PROMPTLY IGNORE IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS TASTY. The human stomach-brain reflex is the only thing more powerful than the “I’m gonna get some sex” reflex. We literally injure ourselves for food. You don’t see dudes running around colleges with missing fingers cause they wanted some nookie. Chefs are the most powerful beings on the planet. And more on this episode of HWIDG including your voicemails and Tim’s horror movie villain voice! Don’t forget to check out our Discord and Patreon! And thanks to the folks that already have!
