Episode 80 - New Mic, Who Dis?


Your mission Agent Here's What I Don't Get, should you choose to accept it, is to take down an extremist sect of the terrorist organization known as I.S.S.U.E.S. These are well known radicals that will not hesitate to put you down so you must act swiftly and without prejudice. The names of their four lieutenants are as follows:

- Movies and Shows leaving streaming services
- McDonald's
- Other People Driving
- Sweatpants 

It's a cold winter's night. You've been at work all day. You come home with a big ol box of Chinese, draw yourself a bath, and set up your tablet with Netflix. You're ready to chow down on some bourbon chicken and lo mein and start up the next season of your favorite police procedural, but it's not there! Southie Cops will have to wait for another day because Netflix wouldn't pony up the funds to keep it exclusive. Either that or the TV channel it was on took it back for their own new streaming service. I swear Netflix, Amazon Prime and the like see more comers and goers than a motel hooker on half-off night.

Mickey D's. The holy grail of Americana. Red, white, and blue in the face from a too-quickly-swallowed Big Mac. The bane of medical professionals everywhere. Owner of the Best Fries in the World trophy, as voted on by Mediocre American Monthly. I'm Loving It, more like I'm Eating It I Guess Cause They Have A 24 Hour Drive Thru And It's On The Way Home from Work. I'd rather watch the Hamburglar fondle Grimace's chicken McNuggets while Ronald quarter-pounders Birdie than voluntarily eat McD's sober before midnight.

On the road, Tab's a speed demon. Drifting through turns, brake checking cops, you name it, he does it. BUT. He does it respectfully. Respectfully and efficiently. It's less about the thrills and more about having the most efficient trip possible. So when he's got passengers, he tones it down some. Seems like he's the only one though. Anytime he's not driving, he's holding on to dear life- and lunch. He'd really like you to turn it down a notch, please. Or, even better, let him drive. You'll get there just as fast if not faster, and he won't have years shaved off of his life.

Nothing says lazy like a pair of sweatpants. Once made for the athletic, sweatpants have been co-opted by quite the opposite. We've gone from 'Juicy' to 'Ew see that's just wrong'. The thick fabric lets the swamp-ass stew longer, and the lack of any buttons or buckles makes it easy to literally slide into so you don't use any muscles. Cheeto and Diet Pepsi stains, skidmarks, and the not-so-faint smell of urine usually adorn them and let you know you're in the lesser Walmart in town. If you’re not there already, stop wearing sweatpants immediately, there’s a 100% chance you’ll get there.

All of this and more on this weeks episode, like, your voicemails, a vague recollection of last week’s livestream, and announcing what our super secret new bonus episode is! Stick around to the end for another episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat as well! And remember to check out the Patreon and stop by the Discord!