Episode 164 - Progressive Hot-Dog Water feat. Isaac Jackson

Just another day, another podcast. Except this time we're in the MILE HIGH PODCAST CLUB. That's right, we're coming to you live from a plane just out of LAX, and we've got full access to the cockpit! We could do a barrel roll! Amazing! We could do a loop-de-loop! We could even dump some fuel! DUMP IT, TODD! We should do this more often, there's absolutely no way this could go wrong, so buckle up, put your tray table up, and listen to these issues:

* Big UI
* Race Relations
* It's Not For You... It's For Kids

Remember the good ol' days, back when you didn't need reading glasses, and you could focus on more than one thing at a time, and your grandkids were cute little babies and not pre-teen monsters? Oh, you're not an old person? Then why the hell are the icons on your phone so big? It takes you 56 swipes to get through your app drawer. Oh, it came like that. Because screw productivity.

We've gone past racism into tolerance and past that back into racism. We've gone from "I don't see color" to "every color is a precious Faberge egg THAT CANNOT BE TOUCHED". Plus, we've so ripped open the meaning of the word racism, that if you don't have every possible race/gender combination in a group of people, you're a bigot. No, I don't have any Mongolian-American friends, and in 2020 that makes me a racist!

Kids are entertained easily. Bright colors, music, lots of movement, it doesn't take much. That doesn't mean their entertainment needs to be bad though. Parents are going to be watching it along with them anyways, so make something that doesn't have to be spectacular high art, but enjoyable enough that they can look back on it fondly and not be horrified when they look back on it in 15 years. And if you want to update Star Trek: The Next Generation, but as a wacky gross-out cartoon, don't.

All this and more on this week's episode, full of REAL TALK. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 163 - Never Going There Again

Well, we've started the year off with a bang, quite literally. Good thing we've got the newly minted Space Force to get a leg up on those dirty [insert brown people here]. So grab your anti-grav suit, smart pistol, and A.I. helmet and GET OUT THERE MAGGOTS WHILE YOU LISTEN TO TAB AND TIM BICKER ABOUT:

* Caring About the Middle East
* Handling it with Memes
* "It's For the Kids"
* One Bad Experience

America loves cops. Absolutely adores them. In fact America loves cops so much she decided to become one. That's right, Sergeant America reporting for duty, sir! Sgt. America, your duty should you choose to accept it is to monitor the world for third-world, non-democratic regimes and BLAST THEM INTO OBLIVION, MAKE THEM HATE YOU, then give them a deputy's badge they don't want. Don't worry, this wont create any sort of extremist resistance force, that's impossible.

Meme away the fear, meme away the sadness, and meme away anything else that doesn't make you feel good. And for good measure, meme away those that do. Good job millennials, you've created a monster that the Zoomers have now adopted as their mascot and way of life. I guess there's worse ways to deflect the news that you're going to war in a few weeks. Good luck, kids.

There are very few things stronger than the love the public has for children. You want anything banned or censored, let a kid die from it. Road needs a crossing walk for 20 years, as soon as a kid is hit you'll get it by the end of the week. Not a fan of vaping? Give your kid some Chinese Viper Xtreme blend and watch him bleed his eyes out, then you can make the government do whatever you want! Unless it's guns.

It's amazing how something can go from innocuous to a cornerstone of your personal hatred. Everybody has had some terrible experience that made them go cold turkey. Whether it's a piece of technology, a brand, a delicious indian-chinese fusion restaurant, or something else, you're not alone, and you're not wrong (unless you're Tab).

All this and more on this week's episode, like the actual first voicemail of 2020! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 162 - New Year, Same 'Cast

They say hindsight is always 20/20, but you know what's not always 20/20? The year! That's right! It's finally 2020, which means it's officialy THE FUTURE™! And what, pray tell, is HWIDG going to be like in The Future™? Pretty much the same! So head to the gym for your first and last time this year and while you're pumping iron, listen to us bitch about:

* Pull-Out Sofa Beds
* Non-Stock Android
* Getting Back to It
* Future Half-steps

Pull-out beds represent everything we at HWIDG stand against. Namely, pulling out. But also, noise, discomfort, and thin mattresses. Why wast your time and health on this squeaky metal contraption that will probably eat you in your sleep when there's a perfectly good sofa right there? And god help you moving the damn thing, might as well be moving Arnold Schwarzenegger's weights collection from 1975 all at once.

Bloatware, pre-installed apps, whatever you want to call them, we've all dealt with them on our phones and tablets. Why would someone want to use Google's App Store when they can use Samsung's or Amazon's? Probably because THEY MAKE THE OS. And you know what else you definitely need? Your service provider's app store, and their own ad-blocker, and their hotspot app, and their "entertainment hub', and their news service, and you phone manufacturer's app store and *their* ad-blocker that thinks the other ad-blocker is a virus, and to top it all off their own update app to update all of them.

Well, New Years is over, time to get back to it. Work, school, whatever it is you do, within the next week or two you're gonna be doing it again. And that looming feeling of it sure can give you the blues. Our suggestion? Just take another vacation! be that cool kid who doesn't show up for the first two weeks of school because you're on a cruise or backpacking through the jungle. Then you won't have time to be depressed when either terrorists hijack the ship or you're being mauled by a tiger!

The problem with the future is that it's never *now*. We like to say it is, but we're a long way off from Star Trek. Like, we don't have flying cars, and though I personally don't think we'll ever have them, that's a future thing. We do have KITT from Knight Rider, and we're on the verge of car-drones, but those are lame steps to whatever our future daily travel is. We've got robots that do our shopping for us! Kinda. There's still a lot of humans involved in the whole process, another half-step. BOO HUMANS, I WANT ROBOTS.

All this and more on this week's episode, like the first voicemail of 2020! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 161 - You Won't Believe What Happens Next!

Happy Festivus, I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT,

- People That Think Everything is for Them
- Blaming the Fans
- Clickbait
- Participation Awards

Sometimes you see a news story, or a facebook post, and you think, "Who could be so stupid as to need this." The answer is not you, yet for some reason there is a whole subspecies of humans that are compelled to report to the world, that they already know that thing. I imagine that these folks have a life so devoid of meaning they require validation for knowing trivial facts on the internet.

When a project goes wrong everyone wants to point the finger and deflect the blame for the failure onto someone else. That used to mean people who worked on failed projects may not work again. Today that problem is solved, by blaming the fans. Yes the people who had no input at any phase of the project, other than being a consumer, are somehow responsible for things being total pieces of crap. So remember, if you don't like this issue, it's probably your fault.

"Policeman catches a group of teenagers playing basket ball, and what happens next will shock you." "Old man says all he wants for christmas is this!" "Save money and build wealth with this one neat trick!" The answers to all of these headlines is something completely mundane like, plays basketball with the kids, a doggie door for his dog, and already be rich. Yet people are tricked every day into clicking through to the "Top Ten HWIDG moments, #3 will blow your mind." Congrats you've made the internet a worse place.

Hey you did a great job, you showed up and accomplished nothing! Here's a trophy for being on the team. It's smaller than the one for most home runs, or most outs, but you deserve it because you came on in. These token awards for mediocrity that the kid knows means nothing, yet all those Karens out there will lose their damn mind if her kid doesn't get one, are frying our brains. Hey you did it, you picked up your report card, welcome to the Copy Machine's Honor Roll.

All that and more on this Festivus Episode! Be sure to check out the DISCORD! Support the show on PATREON and NEW PROJECT 2, or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 160 - The Final Countdown

Welcome back to HWIDG! Around here, we're in the ol' Christmas mood, meaning Tab's drinking his "special" hot chocolate sponsored by Jameson, Tim's making wreaths out of his handle collection, and Todd's vaping a nice gingerbread-venison blend. So Happy Holidays from our weird podcast family, and don't forget the true meaning of Christmas: feeling upset at your gift haul despite buying everyone you know their dream car. Also, issues:

* Christmas
* End of the Decade Lists
* Goverment Hours
* Deleting/Deactivating Accounts

Christmas. A time of giving. Giving yourself a sweet new iPad that is. Here you go people i've known all my life, here's gift cards to restaurants that aren't even in your area. BUT I WANT MORE. YOU DIDN'T BUY ME A VINTAGE MARSHALL STACK?! HOW COULD YOU?! ALL I WANTED WAS THAT AND A BUGATTI CHIRON! DO YOU EVEN LIKE CRISTMAS?! IT'S ABOUT SPENDING MONEY ON THINGS I WON'T USE BUT WILL FEEL BAD ABOUT RETURNING SO IT SITS IN THE CORNER!

Where were you ten years ago? WHO were you ten years ago? Ten years is a long time, and most of us only get 7 or 8 of them. Ten years ago Iron Man was a surprise hit with a no-name character with a glint of a larger universe. Now? The MCU is the biggest thing of all time. 2009 was an entirely different time, back when the iPhone had a 3.5 inch 480px320p screen and Soulja Boy was still a thing. Do you want to go back to those days? I didn't think so. How about instead of decade round-ups, we do decade predictions so in ten years we can look back on how wrong we were about holograms and full body VR plugsuits.

The government doesn't work for you. Period. It tolerates you, sure, but it doesn't care about you or your life. It cares about itself. Is it easier and cheaper to work 9 to 5 40 hour weeks? Yes. Does that help anyone that actually needs them to work? No. And what about holidays? Seems like they take any chance they can to not help you. We're sorry, our offices are closed for National Talk Like A Pirate Day, and also tomorrow for National Pizza Day, go screw yourself.

We noticed you haven't used your account in a while, so we're going to deactivate it for you, and also we're now invite only so you can't just make another account. This is from a tiny website. Yet these billion dollar conglomerates beg you to stay. You go to cancel your Hulu account and it's like you're the only member they have and they'll go under if you leave. Like a battered wife in a Lifetime Original Movie: Tanya's Story.

All this and more on this cheer-and-warmth-filled episode of the podcast, plus voicemails and ACTING. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 159 - Tri-Cotton Blends

This week we've lost a lot of people that meant a lot to us: René Auberjonois, Carroll Spinney, and Ron Liebman. From Star Trek, to Sesame Street, to Rhinestone, let us remember these fine actors in the way that only HWIDG can. So, get mad. Get furious, my friends that the universe has taken three more powerful souls to fill it's engines. But while you do, remember that there are plenty of things still here that you can get mad at, like:

* Clothes Material Importance
* Feeling Inadequate
* Suddenly Bad Art
* Adopting Mobile Game Currencies

From silk made of whispers to itchy, curly wool, clothes are made of a random assortment of materials. But one man's cotton is another man's polyester, so who are we to believe? What we need is a new standard of measuring the fit and feel of clothes so that you're not bamboozled by a shirt that shows the outline of your areola or one that feels like you're wearing kevlar.

It's human to compare, but with social media these days, it's quite easy to curate your perceived life to be the absolute best. So don't fret when you're stuck cleaning toilets and your buddy Rick from high school is on his 3rd trip to Aruba this year. Because what he's not showing you is that his 2 kids are satan incarnate and he's doing kilos of coke on "buisness trips" just to feel *something* and he's cheating on his smoking hot blonde wife with every hotel maid he can just on the chance he can give his wife all the VD she can handle because she's bleeding their bank account dry.

Ah, the American comic book industry. Is there anything better than monthly deadlines and corporate-mandated story guidelines to really make your art as best as it can be? Well tough titties Art McGee, dozens of people get it done without tracing 3D models, so don't you dare start or Marvel will give you a 5 year contract, because let's be honest, the comic nerds don't care about the art of it all unless you draw Spider-Woman's scoliosis twins just a hair too small.

AMBER ALERT: $99.99 BEST VALUE HAS BROKEN OUT OF IT'S MOBILE JAIL CELL AND IS HEADED TOWARD YOU IN A GOLD-PLATED CADILLAC WITH LICENSE PLATE 'GIVCASH'. SUSPECT IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS, IF SPOTTED PLEASE HIDE AND CALL YOUR BANK TO REVERSE ANY CHARGES. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES JOIN A RETAIL CHAIN'S REWARDS PROGRAM WHILE SUSPECT IS AT LARGE.

All this and more on this week's episode, like voicemails and car talk. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

EPISODE 158 - DEATH TO JOHN MELLENCAMP

It's leftovers week! Finish up all that Thanksgiving food while shopping for all the stock the stores couldn't get rid of this year! Half off Xboxes?! You better beat that old lady with her own cane to get the last one, you'll NEVER see a deal like that again. OH! But here comes that green bean casserole you ate way too much of. Hold on! Hold on! Oh great, you just spewed all over the ugly christmas sweater rack. You better hide your face in case anyone's recording this, lest you get turned into the last meme of 2019. While you're running out of the store, think about these things:

* Orgasm Denial
* Getting John Wick'd
* Small Town Cops
* Product Segmentation

Everything in moderation. That's the key to life. When you deny yourself something for a whole month, it's bound to affect you. And let's be honest, getting your rocks off is one of humankind's greatest and strongest urges. Deny yourself any of the other basic bodily needs and you'll die, but just because you can't die from not choking the chicken doesn't mean it doesn't affect you.

There comes a time in life when you run into it's proverbial Russian gangster. Somehow, someway, you piss off that proverbial Russian gangster and he wants his revenge. But this is no ordinary proverbial Russian gangster, this is a coked up, Dad's-the-boss, squirmy POS that doesn't realize your violent past. So when he comes to your house in the middle of the night and takes from you the one thing you love in life, he unknowingly unleashes a beast. Love your pets while you can, folks.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all small town cops were either Andy Taylor or Barney Fife? It would, wouldn’t it? But the world ain’t black and white no more, and believe you me buddy, your small town ain’t no Mayberry. It’s Mayberry’s stepbrother who's in and out of jail for making meth and has 3 babies by 4 women. And the cops? Well let’s just say there’s a reason their drug safe is always low (and it’s not due to the lack of drugs they find).

Have we covered this issue before? Sure! Doesn’t mean it’s over now. If our covering an issue magically fixed it, you’d live in a Star Trek utopia by now, sipping a Mai Tai on your beachfront property. Wanna blame someone, blame the asshole marketing executives who want to name a new product the same as an existing one plus a letter, so that at quick glance you pick the cheap retread instead of the original.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 157 - Dressed & Stuffed

We here at HWIDG are thankful for the following: America, cool hats, tigers, Italian fathers, armor-piercing rounds, Destiny, helicopters, Lebanese diplomat Abieg Tihdi, polka music, Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar Sandwiches™, and of course, the cinematic classic Wild Wild West. Let us know what you're thankful for this year as we tell you about:

* Tech Support
* The Scam of Religion
* Picking Fights with Family
* Stingy Restaurants

Tech Support for the general masses is a scam if you've grown up with technology. You're better off doing the research yourself, and if you can't fix the problem by a new one, because "Justin" from "Ohio" working in a call center for $1.25 an hour doesn't have the answers and neither does his supervisor. Like all problems in the world, this one is caused by old people.

Why the hell would you buy a $120 bible when they give them away for free in hotels? Because you're old and dammit the nice man on the commercial said it's the best of its kind and Jesus doesn't deserve anything less. You give the church 50 bucks a week anyways, what's another 120? I'll tell you what it is, it's a real nice steak dinner for that pastor. He won't eat a steak worth less than 35 dollars, what is he a common pleb?

Hey, look its your Uncle Jake, you haven't seen him since you were 12! It's been so long! Let's play a game why don't we? First round is guess how many beers he has before dinner is ready. You guessed 2, but guess what his girlfriend left him three weeks ago and he's not over it yet! You're not even close! He's almost blacking out now! Great, that means he won't bring up-nope, he did it, he said the n-word. Welp. Time to go.

Napkins, straws, condiments and more! Seems like more and more places are being real stingy on them. How much can they really cost? I guess they're more important than paying your wait staff a decent wage or hiring a fry cook that doesn't need to paid under-the-table. This tiny cup of ketchup isn't enough, for your poorly seasoned french fries.

All this and more on this week's episode SO BIG you're gonna have to undo your belt a couple notches. Voicemails, movie talk, but most importantly our Thanksgiving Food Free-For-All! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! And this is your last chance to vote in December's Movie Commentary Battle Royale!

Episode 156 - Four More Years!

Hello fellow HWIDG-icans. For the past three years, we have served as your commanders-in-rage. Now, these years have not gone by without change, and, we'll admit it, some bit of scandal. But have we not been truthful with you? Have we not been the most upfront? We haven't. And that is what we are here to talk to you about today. We're here to tell you that, unfortunately we *do* get these things. Not only do we get them, but we enjoy them. This guise of hate and not understanding has been a screen that we have hidden behind for too long. Now is the time to reveal our true nature. Welcome to Here's What We Do Get, an NPR podcast, brought to you by CapitalOne. Join us as we discuss:

* Pre-Fanning
* Battered Wife Franchises
* Fake Politeness
* Ford Mach-E Mustang

Attention spans are now nil. We can't even remember all the *memes* that happened this year. How are we supposed to remember your dull-looking action movie trailer from 6 months ago? Pre-fanning is the old way. Droplets of information onto awaiting tongues for months or years. Nowadays our mouths are closed. Those drops aren't going anywhere. We need a thirsty looking FULL drink in front of us RIGHT NOW to get us to open our mouths.

"Oh, he was just drunk, he won't hit me anymore., he promised" she says with a black eye and a busted lip. He promises every time, yet for some reason she always ends up sleeping at her sister's house. Then he buys her flowers. He shaves and cleans himself up. He stops drinking. It's great, it's just like when they were 19. It lasts for about three weeks until one day she cooks his steak to much, then it's right back to fist city. But she still wont leave him. That's what it's like being a fan of Ghostbusters or Star Wars or Star Trek or Transformers these days.

Maybe it's because I associate fake smiles with the character of the Joker, but anytime I'm submitted to the fake politeness put on by frustrated retail workers who are forced to do so just to earn their $7.50 an hour, I just wanna beat them up and throw them into an easily escapable mental asylum. Unfortunately, that's life. You either die wearing your heart on your sleeve or you fake politeness long enough to see yourself become the manager.

Oh, Ford. What have you gone and done this time? You've taken an American icon and turned it into a soccer dad. No longer does Geoff have to have a mid-life crisis and buy a gas-guzzling V8-powered Mustang GT, now he can have his cake and eat it too with the all-electric Mach-E. He can fit a cooler of gluten-free, dairy-free, nut-free pre-approved snacks in his little front trunk AND have all the room for Michael's friends from soccer practice. All while he still is "technically" a Mustang owner. Thanks, Ford. No he can go blow his brains out in peace knowing his family will have a reduced carbon footprint!

All this and more on our THREE YEAR ANNIVERSARY episode! Thanks for all the support you've shown us through the years, and here's to as many more as we can dig out of our withering souls! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 155 - Boom 'Em Up

Everyone, it’s time to gather ‘round for another special Podcast! Since last you joined us, Tim has been called to the European Invitational for Non-professional Destiny players and joins us live from Italy. Don’t count out Newly broken Tab though, because he’s been entered to fight in a local Kickboxing fight against an Illegally-attained Liger! Lastly, our sound guy(you know his name) is starting a new path in life as a Homeopathic Information/Medicine Salesman, focusing on his home-grown Eucalyptus Leaf serums. For us here on the podcast, life is looking up, so join us as we discuss:

* Boomers
* Brand Loyalty
* The Laws That Will Save Us
* The Death of the Arcade

Boomers! Who can live with ‘em and who can live without ‘em? The answer is no one and everyone, in that order. Whether it’s their selfish nature, their hypocrisy, or their general lack of foresight, one thing were can all agree on is how hilarious it is that they hate this new phrase. MILLENIALS ARE TOO SOFT, but when we put “ok, “ in front of your name, you get all pissy. At least you can afford your own health care, and you better because you’re going to need it in the next ten years as the bulk of you start to drop off the face of this planet you hate.

I’m a Pepsi man. I’m a Coke man. GRRRR I HATE YOU. WE MUST FIGHT! How ‘bout no? Why are you representing a multi-billion dollar company? Why are they better than the other guy? Everything you own is made in the cheapest way possible, by the cheapest-to-pay people possible, by a company that could not care less who you are. You found a brand of thing you like? good. Just don’t go making them a part of your being.

Jaywalking is illegal, but everyone does it. Whaling is illegal in Oklahoma and no one is doing it, so the law must be working, right? Wrong. I’m sure if we had whales, they’re’d be rednecks in camp throwing dynamite into every river. Do you think Ed Gein ever thought to himself “I shouldn’t kill this lady and turn her face into a lamp, THAT’S ILLEGAL”? I’m gonna guess no.

Ah, the days of the arcade. Flashing lights, the cacophony of HADOUKENs and the clanging of tokens into machines. Throw in some 90s rock radio and you got yourself a bitchin’ hang out. Whether after school at the mall, or just after dinner at the pizza parlor, the arcade was many a young child’s getaway from all the suck-age of life. One day you’ll get enough tickets for that Dreamcast, but for now, a round of Capcom vs. SNK 2 will have to do.

All this and more on this nostalgia-filled episode! Voicemails, voting, AND read each capital letter in the opening paragraph! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 154 - Funko Poops

Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get. Now that Halloween is over, we're moving on to the most American of holidays, that's right i'm talking about National Fast Food Day. The 16th is coming up fast so we're making sure everyone is ready to stuff themselves silly yet somehow not feel full. We're talking Taco Bell breakfast, Wendy's for Lunch, and Popeye's for dinner. Super sized, smothered, crunchy, extra bacon goodness on everything, and don't forget the 64 ounce Diet Coke. And this is Day 1 of practice, so grab your XXXL sweatpants and get ready to to binge on:

* The New "Man on the Street"
* The Open Carry Scare
* Letting the Guitar Player Sing One
* Co-opting Geek Culture

Channel 7 Nightly News here, and we're with mister John Brown talking about the recent state bill decriminalizing jaywalking/ John? YEAH UHHH I THINK THAT THE GOVERNMENT IS BEHIND ALL THIS. THEY'RE TAKING YER TAX DOLLARS AND THROWING THESE BIG ILLUMINATI PARTIES WHERE THEY EAT PANDAS AND OTHER SUCH ENDANGERED ANIMALS. AND THEY GOT THESE GO-GO DANCERS IN CAGES HANGING FROM THE CEILING AND THEY'RE ALL BORN BLIND SO THEY GOTTA HAVE THE GUIDE ANIMALS BUT THEY DON'T LET THE LITTLE DOGS IN THERE OR ELSE THEY'LL EAT 'EM YA KNOW, SO ALL THE DANCERS TOOK TO THE BIG 'OL LIGERS AND SUCH AND THAT'S WHY THEY GOT THIS BILL THROUGH.

Well, Oklahoma's finally what everyone thinks it looks like. We got people getting into duels on main street, miniguns mowing down people by the dozen, and bazookas strapped to back of every school Principal. Wait, it isn't? Oh. Well....uh....this is awkward. I thought this would be a little more like Call of Duty where everyone has at least 2 weapons on them at all times, shotgun shell bandoliers, and speed loaders for 44 Magnum revolvers. Well, great! I spent all this money getting my clothes tailored with a layer of bleeding-edge bulletproof material. I want a refund!

"Music is all about experimentation, mannnn. Let me sing a song on the record, dude", said the stoned guitarist. Flash forward 6 months to everyone skipping that song in the first 3 seconds. 8/10 reviews saying "This is a perfect album, save for the song sung by the guitar player who must've promised to quit the band otherwise. This could have been the Dark Side of the Moon of the 2020's, but alas."

Bazinga man has ruined wearing Flash shirts for any fan of Barry Allen or Wally West or Eobard Thawne. The Marvel Cinematic Universe has introduced a whole new regiment of people into ponying up cash for nerdy gear. But on top of those die hard MCU fans it's opened up the floodgates to flocks of casual fans that eat up merch like Galactus eats worlds. It's everywhere you look, even your grandma knows about the talking raccoon guy. It's cool to be geeky now (but only on the surface). But there's also the flipside to it. Do you really want to be the "nerd test" asshole? HOW MANY GREEN LANTERNS CAN YOU EVEN NAME? DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO B'DG OR MOGO ARE? WHAT'S A POOZER? YOU FAKE NERD.

All this and more on this week's episode (no more jokes from Todd, we promise)! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 153 - Stolen Lightbulbs

This is it. Halloween. Hallow's Evening. All Hallow's Eve. Samhain. Parentalia. No matter what you call it, it's time for the dead to come back to life and feast on our flesh. So gather up your torches and pitchforks and see how many waves you can get through in one life. I hear if you get through 50 waves you unlock the Headless Horseman costume and:

* Fallout 1st
* Upselling
* Bad Candy
* Halloween Haters

Bethesda. What are you doing. We know you're greedy, I mean, you were the ones who started the microtransaction craze with Horse Armor. But at least try to do it competently. Charging a monthly subscription fee in this day and age is ludicrous already, but filling it with bugs as well? I guess we shouldn't be surprised. I'm sure Todd Howard is actually just a sentient swarm of insects in a human flesh bag.

I see you're listening to Here's What I Don't Get. Could I also interest you in some nice D-cell batteries or a warranty plan for your episode? It's like a bad final boss in a video game. You've battled through aisle and aisle of braindead customers and sale prices, you get to the end boss, and it turns out to be a QTE button mash. It's why Amazon is king. Not because they don't upsell, that's all they do really, but because I can't click X on the cashier's forehead.

So, you've got immediate eaters, then your second-favorites that you add to your lunch box. Then you've got "trade quality" candy, that, sure you'll eat em, but really you wanna trade them up for something you like more than someone else. Then you;ve got your last days of candy. It's almost Thanksgiving by now and you're really hoping something got skipped by. Then there's the bottom of the bag, giveaway never eat pieces of candy. That's what these are. I don't even want to see them in someone else's bag of candy.

Fundamentalist Christians. Squeemish prudes. PTSD almost slasher victims. Cranky party poopers. There's people all 'round the world that like to take a big double-tapered chocolate yogurt emoji on the king of Holidays, Halloween. It's so multi-faceted it's hard to hate but somehow these people find out how to do it. Don;t like scary movies? Don't watch em! Enjoy the costumes and candy and pumpkins. There's so many parts to Halloween, you can pick and choose! Make it your own! The modular holiday!

All this and more on this week's CREEPY episode. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or buy BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 152 - Sea Turtle Odds

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get About Destiny, you number one source for Destiny news and guides! This week we take a look at masterworks and the new exotic bow quest. Don't recognize any of these words? Don't worry, for the complete opposite is happening to me! God help us all I'm dreaming about Calus tributes and sparrow racing. I think I need help...wait what's that? A NEW EVENT? HALLOWEEN THEMED? SCREW THE PODCAST, WHEEEEEEEEEEE!

* Friends That Don't Drink
* Sports Bars
* Store-Bought Halloween
* Paper Straws

Seriously I think these are pretty self-explanatory issues! DISCORD! PATREON! SHIRTS! See you next week!

Episode 151 - Pwnage

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get: Hong Kong Edition! On today's episode we review the top 5 most stylish gas masks, test out our new laser, and discuss the pros and cons of molotov cocktails. But first and foremost we discuss good ol' Blizzard and our support of the #Blizzard Boycott. It'll be interesting to see BlizzCon next month, it's too big for them to cancel now, and they've got no new games in the pipeline....wait what? They're announcing Overwatch 2, Diablo 4, and Starcraft 3?....... Hey everyone, Blizzard said sorry already, lay off them, and get mad at these instead:

- "Owned"
- Nay-saying Progress
- Internet Celebs Going Mainstream
- Ghosts

PH1n4lLy, 1337 5P34K Phr0M 1995 1Z n0w 1n PH45H10n. w17 P0l171C4L 0PP0n3N7Z K0n574N7Ly 93771N' "0Wn3d", M4yB3 Up N3X7 W3 c4N h4v3 /\ B3rn13 54ND3RZ PR0N 5c4ND4L, 0R H4V3 J0rD4N P373r50N 360 N0-5c0P1Ng s0m3 N00b 7Ub3rZ. Okay, enough of that it's tiring. What I'm trying to say is that maybe it's time for forum signatures to come back along with IRC chat, BBS boards, Soundblaster cards and the novelty hamburger rotary phone.

We choose to go to the Moon and other worlds not because it is easy, but because we need to rid the galaxy of the Vex, the Hive, the Fallen, and Cabal. Wait, what? How about we choose to go to the Moon and other worlds because it's freaking awesome? Space technology *is* future technology. The computer that put man on the moon had 64 KILOBYTES OF RAM. That's a FIFTEENTH of ONE SECOND of a poor quality MP3. We can't fix the Earth. Either we've destroyed it beyond belief, or it's fine and will die when it's supposed to. EITHER WAY, I'd love to get off the rock and go somewhere else.

Anything sells these days. You know what's hot now? Twitter memes. They go viral, and some Hollywood executive gets a schlub to write up a spec script based on...let's see what's hot now... the "Nobody:" joke meme. IN A WORLD, where stand-up comedienne Angela Lake has a happy life and a booming Twitter following...the world comes to an end. For everyone, but her. Now, in a world without other people, what *is* comedy? When nobody is there to laugh, are you even funny? This Summer, Twitter, Vine, and Instagram star Amanda Haite is... I'm sorry I'm getting a breaking news story that former Twitter, Vine, and Instagram star comedienne Amanda Haite has been #Canceled due to social media posts of hers from 2008 where she claims "Boys are icky".

Ghosts. Are they real? No.

All this and more on this week's haunted episode! Join us on DISCORD, or support us on PATREON or buy BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 150 - RPG Talk (feat. Mandi Weems)

Welcome to a very somber episode of Here's What I Don't Get. Usually we're boisterous and jolly, but after the events of this weekend it's hard to find any light in this dark world of ours. Usually we don't get political, but we feel in this case we must. It's time for our government to finally do something about this problem plaguing our nation. The founding fathers could not have seen how advanced the technology would become, and in their days it took many times longer just for one use. It's time that we outlaw clowns. Clowns are currently the number one killers of Americans, and it seems that we have a new clown everyday. The mass Joker cosplays and Halloween costumes are a garish sight that represent the worst of our country's cries of 'Freedom'. If you need to be a clown to be free, I don't know that we should have freedom. Please, call you local legislators and let them know you've had enough of clowns and:

* Too Soon Biopics
* Video Games Causing Violence
* Witches

Coming to theaters Summer 2021, it's Broken Handles: A True Story. Based on episode 134 of the world famous Here's What I Don't Get podcast, follow the origins of Tim the Handlebreaker and who he was before the first handle. Absolutely not a quick cash grab and actually an artistic endeavor, here's the story of a man with plenty of life left. With absolutely no time passage to have society look back on, and definitely no scandals to come out and ruin his image, it's the perfect time to tell the story of someone still in the limelight. Buy tickets now, or purchase a deluxe ticket for 149.99 to receive a year's subscription to Breaking Handles the Magazine and a plush recreation of The First Handle. All proceeds benefit the "Tim's PC Upgrade Fund".

Video games cause violence. It's that cut and dry. We didn't have guns until Call of Duty created them and then we made them in real life. We discovered blood when Sub-Zero first ripped out Raiden's spinal column. Prostitutes weren't treated like pieces of meat until Claude backed over them in Liberty City. Dragons didn't rule the world until Alduin's AI self-manifested itself into a living being. And most importantly, Mario is the reason the government mandated daily mushroom usage and we pivoted from driver-less cars to Yoshis.

Double, double, toil and trouble! Fire burn and cauldron bubble! Is it a witch? No! It's a pot of stew made by a regular non-magical human, because witchcraft isn't real. Energy crystals are as real as dilithium ones, your broomstick is as fast as mine, and there's a lot of black cats around. Pouring saltpeter into a bunch of circles and lines doesn't do anything, and no, nothing special happens when the planets align. Until you can summon a little imp to do your bidding and brew a potion of firebreathing, you're not a witch. Though, feel free to keep dressing like one because that's pretty hot.

All this and more on this creepy episode! Voicemails, Star Trek talk, and of course our thoughts and prayers for this weekend's victims. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 149 - Enjoy the Chaos

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, now with 100% more Spooky Scary Skeletons! It's October finally, so get your spook on, your colonizer on, your hay ride on, and most importantly, on October 17th, get your virtual desktop cleaning on. Put on your favorite Halloween song, warm up some cider and sit back as we tell you the tale of:

* Positively Platitudinal
* Settling for Windows
* Social Media Skeletons
* Ugly and Unorganized Files

Keepin' it posi. PMA: positive mental attitude. Optimism! Finding joy in the small things in life. Live, laugh, love. Dance like no one is watching! Find the beauty in the ugly days. Never settle for less than you deserve! You are not the mistakes you made! KEEP CALM AND CARRY ON! This is a PSA: If you come across someone saying any of these things out loud, has them hanging on a wooden board, or types them followed by a low-fps tumblr gif, please put on your special made ANTI-PLAT Helmet and engage the proprietary ANTI-PLAT extending boxing glove. Then, forcefully read from the included ANTI-PLAT Motto Card. Afterwards, be sure to spout the quality of the ANTI-PLAT helmet and it's related accessories.

Speaking of settling for less than you deserve, how come we don't deserve a better Operating System than the junk Microsoft gives us? Apple is over here in "No Buttons, It JUST WORKS-land" and it seems that Microsoft is slowly edging themselves toward that too. Obfuscating previous options to sub-sub-sub menus, making sure you're an ADMINISTRATOR WITH ACCESS so you plebes don't delete System32. But what about the power user? Are you TRYING to turn us into "Linux Guys"? I don't wanna be one, but you're really pushing me towards it, Mr. Gates.

Maybe the spookiest skeleton of all is the 'edgy humor' you liked at 17 and quoted verbatim on Facebook. Why? Because god forbid you get your 15 seconds of fame these days and someone digs it up like a dead dog. Or the multi-billion dollar company you're applying for comes across it and now you're stuck mopping up at KFC. But guess what? The upside is that while you mop up some 4 year old's regurgitated Famous Bowl, the 16 year-old fry-cook Eugene will tell you all the dead baby jokes you could ask for!

Possibly the nerdiest rant the Handlebreaker has ever gone on is nevertheless important! Law versus Chaos. Light versus Dark. Good versus Evil. Folders versus Desktop Dumps. Final versus Final2_NEW_QUICKFIX_HD_COMP_092819. These ancient battles have gone on for far too long! Why? The agents of chaos are hidden among the rest of us lawful folks. These people can seem good and friendly. But then you get a peek of their desktop and it looks like someone played 52 Card Pickup with them.

All this and more on this chock full o’ Todd episode. Voicemails, news, and hey what’s that a nice surprise gift package! Don’t forget to join our DISCORD and support the podcast on PATREON or by BUYING A MUG.

Episode 148 - High-Priced Nazi Memorabilia

Welcome back from vacation folks! Welcome back to city life, being underpaid and overworked, a general rudeness and much much more. But, maybe instead you can think back to your vacation. Whether you spent your time with your toes in the sand, or your boots on a mountain, or standing in line at the all-you-can-eat shrimp buffet on a cruise-liner, think of it as your happy place. Don't picture your boss, picture your tour guide. Don't picture the hammer you're holding, picture a nice stiff drink. Don't picture the hammer entering your boss's skull, imagine that you're offering tour tour guide a nice drink! Don't think about the cops tasing you, instead imagine that tantric massage you had on vacation. Don't think of the cold cell floor, think of that cooling pillow in your vacation bungalow and drift off to the sweet sounds of us discussing:

* Delivery By Amazon
* Drink More Water
* Rambo Reviews
* Work Updates on Vacation

It seems more and more that Amazon is becoming what we feared Google would become. Don't get me wrong, Google is still invading every facet of your digital life, but Amazon, they got that tangible, physical side in a half-nelson and they're coming for you next, brother. They're taking over you groceries at Whole Foods, trying to replace your Wal-Mart with their Amazon Go stores, replacing your bookstore with their own Amazon Books, and if two days wasn't fast enough to ship you your items, buckle up buddy, because Amazon is aiming for ONE day shipping and if those slow dullards at the Postal Service and UPS can;t get it done, by golly they'll do it themselves (by contracting some schlep and underpaying them). Just imagine, within the next five years, you'll wake up in your Amazon Bed, grab a cup of Amazon Coffee, order a breakfast pastry from Amazon Blink Instant Delivery Drones, and drive to work at Amazon in your Amazon Self-Driving Car.

One of the most annoying things I can think of is having someone tell you to do something *as* you're doing it. You could be sweating your balls off, holding a hammer and nails and your boss would still stop you, make you come to his office, look you in your eyes and ask you to put up the new fence. It's one of the few things in life I feel is justifiable with murder. "Did you hear what John did at work? Yeah, heard he smashed his boss's face in to his desk about a hundred times? Rough stuff man, he'll probably be in prison for the rest of his life. Oh, no, you didn't hear? They cleared him on all charges. What? Yeah, apparently his boss asked him to do the thing he was already in the middle of doing. Oh, man, what a hero."

Look, the new Rambo movie isn't perfect. It's not amazing. I've got some problems with it, but it's totally a serviceable revenge movie that also serves as the end of the movie series. Does it end on a great high note? Not particularly. But, it's like a western in that way, giving the hero a bittersweet ending after having accomplished his final task. But professional movie critics these days don't see movies as movies. They seem them as a backdrop to write about their own feelings. Apparently the new Rambo was "decried [for] the script, graphic violence, and what they perceived as racist and xenophobic attitudes toward Mexico". Which, the first one, I'll give you. It's not a groundbreaking script full of twists and turns, but it's not a stinker. The graphic violence? Amazing. I don't remember how many times i "OOOOH'd" as Rambo's traps impaled and exploded dudes. And as for the 'racism'? The one Mexican reviewer I found that didn't like the film, didn't think so.

I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR, KNOW, SEE, SMELL, FEEL, OR TOUCH ANYTHING RELATED TO WORK (YOU KNOW THE THING I AM PAYING TO GET AWAY FROM) WHILE I AM ON VACATION.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, and lots and lots of talk about tables. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 147 - Chinese Mario Vape Juice

Welcome to Here's What I Don't Vape, the only formerly non-vaping podcast to tackle all of life's strongest strains. I'm your host Tim the Handlevaper and with me as always is my friend Dab Birt. On this week's episode we try Dab's Colorado haul! He's got everything from Carrot Cake Wake n' Bake to Bob Barker's Right Hook to Alabama Thunderkitty! So sub-ohm your rig and light up with us as we discuss:

* Giving Away Time
* China Owning Amazon
* Sudden Vape Problem
* Nintendo Fanboys

Sometimes in life we get carried away when what we need to do is stop and ask ourselves if what we're doing is worth our time. Would we pay ourselves a decent amount of money to do it? If not, why are we doing it? What we really need are clones to do the stuff we don't want to do. Either have one around to do the dumb time-wasting stuff for you, or spend all your time trolling online while your clone works 90 hour weeks at work bringing in that sweet, sweet bacon. Plus, you can always answer that age old question: is it technically masturbation?

75% or more of Amazon products these days are exactly the same thing with different "company" logos slapped on. It's all cheap, straight from the factory, Chinese stuff that has dubious build quality, but is cheap enough that you'll just keep buying replacements. For instance, headphones, I just searched for headphones and only 4 out of the first 20 items were from known name brands. All the rest were cheap Chinese brands, or worse, unbranded cheap junk. This goes for just about anything you search for that isn't a specific item. And that's where they get you. You know what brand or kind of headphones you want, but grandma gets little Johnny the first thing when she searches 'headphones'.

OH NO SIX SEVEN PEOPLE HAVE DIED FROM VAPING. SOUND THE ALARMS! BAN EM! BAN EM! IT'S THESE DAMN GEN Z KIDZ WITH THEIR VAPES AND VINES AND TIK TOKS. THEY'RE KILLING THEMSELVES! Man I wish people were this mad about actual cigarettes. You know, the thing that has been killing 7 million-plus people a year and that we've known was doing so since the late fifties? It's been 60 years of increased knowledge of just how bad they are AND YET the most we've done is say "ew that stinks, please do that outside". You want to talk global atrocities with death counts in the dozens if not hundreds of millions? You wanna talk blood money? Literal blood money. Let the kids vape. What's another 7 a year?

You know who's a great mascot? Mario. Up there with Mickey Mouse as one of the most recognizable characters in the world. But, what if about half of all Disney movies had Mickey in them just because of his popularity? Doesn't sound so great, does it? Iron Man and Mickey Mouse team ups, Toy Story 5: Let’s Go To Disneyland, "Ho-ho Luke! I’m your canon father now!”, THIS SUMMER TWO LEGENDARY MOSTERS TEAM UP TO FIGHT THE GREATEST WARRIOR OF ALL TIME: AVP3. WELCOME TO THE CLUB.

All this and more on this week’s hazy episode. Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD or SUPPORT us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 146 - Dishonorable

Apple apple apple, apple apple apple? Apple apple Apple Apple Apple Apple Apple! Apple apple's apple, apple apple apple apple, apple apples, apple apples. Apple apple apples' apples? APPLE! Apple apple apple Apple apple apples. Apple Applebreaker apple's apple apples, apple apples apple apple applin'. Apple, apple apple apple appled apple apple apple apple's apple:

*Having to Turn to Reddit
*That One Song
*Making a Problem for Yourself
*Discord Culture

Tim the Handlebreaker, a former 8th dan Google-fu master was ceremoniously stripped of his belt this evening after an excruciating 36 hour battle with his latest opponent. This mysterious fighter is known to get into his opponent's heads psychologically and physically, causing major medical trauma. Disgraced and dishonored, Handlebreaker will be forced into exile for 28 years.

The song without a name. Well, it has a name but its name has been kidnapped by the Goblin King and lost in the depths of the labyrinth that is your mind. Now, you're on a journey to rescue it, but there's no fancy puppets by Jim Henson. Instead it's a bunch of other songs you know its not but for some reason your brain keeps bringing them up. Oh, and also it's not a terrible movie.

Whether it's overthinking, underthinking, or just plain stupidity, there are people out there that really like to create problems and then put them onto other people while the answer is right in front of them. Like an ovo-lacto vegetarian looking for a new term to describe themselves when 'hypocrite' is right there.

Hi diddly ho discordino! Hi diddly ho right back atcha discordino number two! You drinkning that good ol' java joe discordino number one? Sure am, discordino number two! You ban anyone for speaking their mind yet today, discordino number two? Only a couple handfuls today discordino number one! Gotta get them numbers up, discordino number two! Uh-oh, gotta install this new update! INSTALLING UPDATE AT 88 MPH! GET IT DISCORDINO NUMBER ONE?! DO YOU GET IT?!

All this and more on this week's fun-filled episode! Voicemails, news, and crazy packages! Don't forget to join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 145 - Bear Mace Windu

2019: the year of long-awaited fulfillment! TOOL, Missy Elliott, and The Raconteurs dropped new music after 10+ years, we saw the culmination of 10 years or Marvel movies and were graced with both a new Tarantino film and Alita: Battle Angel which was announced in 2003. But if there's one thing that has been most looked-forward to by millions of people around the world, it's this month's update for Steam! That's right, after a measly SIXTEEN years, the schlubs at Valve have finally decided that 2003-era UI/UX for your game library is maybe a little behind the times. So, enjoy it gamers, but be prepared to wait until 2035 to get your next one. But it's okay by then we;ll have holograms, data crystals, full-body VR pluguits, and:

* Rich People Reality TV
* Home Invasion Fantasies
* IMDB Trivia
* Bad Google Maps

He is a professional glue sniffer, and she knits hats for baby monkeys, they're looking for a new house in the Cayman Islands and have a budget of 4 Million dollars. He literally only wants a room big enough to put a pool table, and she has a list of 67 things that all contradict each other. Will they choose House A: a dirt shack, House B: a 15 million dollar magical floating mansion, or House C: an MC Escher-built monstrosity that has room for a pool table? Surprise! It's House A, they'll kick it over and build exactly what they want on that plot of land, so join them next week on House Builders International. Will Bill get his pool table room? No. He wont, but he'll have to live with it because she didn't sign a pre-nup.

ABP: always be planning. Sleeping in a new, place? Find every exit, every possible entry point, triple-check the locks, have some type of weapon in arm's reach from the bed, know what you can improvise as a weapon in each room, and realistically, this is all for naught. But you do it anyways, because we all want to be John Wick in the middle of the night when Russian thugs break into your penthouse.

Did you know Steven Spielberg directed Jurassic Park? Trivia! Did you know that Samuel L. Jackson who was in Jurassic Park directed by Steven Spielberg was also in Star Wars Episode 1, directed by George Lucas and that George Lucas and Steven Spielberg know each other? Trivia! Did you know that the writer of the 2019 Shaft reboot thought of Matthew McConaughey for the lead role for approximately .5 seconds as a joke? TRIVIA! 56 OUT OF 58 PEOPLE FOUND THIS USEFUL!

What’s a GPS system? Google has taken a whole industry and brought it down. Need to go somewhere? GOOGLE MAPS IT! So you’d think that they’d have all the technology of all previous GPS systems and of the GPS companies they’ve eaten integrated perfectly into their own. Plus they’re integrated into millions and millions of phones everywhere, so they’ve got their own web of GPS data. SO WHY THE HELL DOES IT NOT WORK WHEN YOU WANT IT TO?

All this and More on this week’s episode! Lawsuit news, hotel talk, and find out what Todd like to coat his balls in! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.