Minisode 15 - Sticker Picker

Minisode 15 Thumb

Fuck you it's January! and what's fucking us this month are these meager issues.

Poorly Designed Specialty Hardware
Birth in Media
Reverse Apology Lookup
Pull Quotes

Why is it when you make something to fill a very very specific need instead of making the best version of that thing you fuck it up and make some piece of shit instead? We've all seen it, a niche problem with a niche solution, and the solution somehow makes the problem worse. I'm looking at you GaffGun, fuckin space taking up piece of shit.

Oh no a baby is coming and we aren't in a hospital! Quick no matter what century you are in, or what planet you are on, get some warm water and some towels. Now breath and scream until we've run this plot point into the ground. Why? Why are we constantly being treated to the screeching of some woman who couldn't say no? No to the guy that put that baby in her, and no to being told "Hey maybe don't do anything fuckin stupid in the next 3 weeks before your baby is due."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry you're going to have to grab your Sherlock Holmes hat and scour the internet to find out what I'm even apologizing for. Social media travels faster than the speed of light, and the apologies are halfway around the world before the event even got it's pants on, meanwhile the next controversy just landed on the moon, and fucked your mother.

"Amazing" - The New Handlebreaker in Town, "...episode this week... was great" - Tony from Hack the Movies, "...awesome listening to this..." - NineintheLine, "It's one of the best." - Muddy. These pull quotes and more are from the discord, what are they talking about, well based on the context it can only mean this show! Thanks everyone for the support!

Plus we narrow down what year Todd was born, and shame Tim for missing 113. Thanks for supporting the show this month. We really appreciate it.

Minisode 14 - Art Vandelay, Hellchitect

Minisode 14 Thumb

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Thank you patrons, and please enjoy this the final Minisode of 2018. It's all because of you our amazing fans. This month we're talking about these measly annoyances.

- Changing Your Pocket Layout
- Overstretching
- Haircuts
- Door Knocks in Commercials

You've got the handful of things you carry every day and chances are, you put those things in the same pocket every time. What happens when you wear weird pants, get an injury and can't access a pocket, or start carrying something new? You have to rearrange and your whole world is upside down. This is why I carry everything on a spring loaded mechanism up my sleeve.

You're getting into your Mid-20s and your dreams of becoming Mr. Fantastic have started to fade, but maybe if you work a little bit at a time you can still make it. Well you're wrong because that little bit extra you tried to reach, it's fucked your whole week fam. Get ready for soreness, and limited motion, maybe next time get off your lazy ass instead.

Hair, it's always growing and unless you want to look like Cousin It you have to constantly have it maintenanced, and they can never get it just the way you like it. It's always slightly too short, or they want to put some weird shit in it you don't use. Then you have to worst part, the small talk. What do you do, any plans for new years, seeing anyone. "Listen Mom, just cut my fuckin' hair in silence and we can talk about this shit at dinner."

Knock knock, Who's there? Fuckin' nobody! But your dogs don't know that, they're all hyped up and ready to bark the mailman to death. Thanks Pizza Hut I really appreciate this cacophony you've brought upon me.

All that plus a new enemy tries to breach the sanctum of the studio. Thank you again for supporting us and if you haven't already be sure to join the Discord. 

Minisode 13 - 44 Oz


Available to all HWIDG Patrons!

Hello! This is your minisode for the month of November. Sorry it’s so short, but we had to cut out about 60% of the recording because it was all teeth chattering. It’s cold here. It’s cold and everyone’s sick. But not as sick as these mini issues, dude!

* Slow Cashiers
*People that don't change the default ringtone
* Opening Acts
* Being Upsized at No Charge

As always, we greatly appreciate you supporting the podcast, and we’ll be right back at ya with more min issues next month!

Minisode 12 - 6 in 1

Minisode 12 Thumb

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Howdy folks! This month we got us a fine program, short and sweet just like my mee-maw's cornbread. Pull up a chair and join us as we gab about grooming our nails, shower washing order, mouth germs, and that thing you keep forgetting to do.   As always thanks for your support, we really appreciate it! We'll see you next month for another batch of mini-issues.

* Cutting Your Nails Too Short
* Not Rinsing Out Your Hair
* Double Dipping
* Not Cleaning Out Your Back Seat 

Minisode 10 - I'm a Pizza Scientist

Minisode 10 Thumb

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Like a fly you can’t get rid of, here’s another installment of those little irksome things that poke at the back of your mind.

  • Too Much Sauce

  • Unclear Communication

  • Summer Rain

  • Movie Tickets

A good sauce to thing-being-sauced ratios is KEY to a good meal. Too little leaves you wanting more, but too much? That can ruin a dish, no matter how good that sauce is. Too much, and you make a mess, leaving you looking like a two year old eating spaghetti. But even over ruining your clothes, it can ruin the food, making it soggy. There’s got to be a better way!

Everyone’s got unique names for things, whether it’s an inside joke, or an abbreviation, or just some jargon exclusive to their field.    But, a smart and decent person knows to translate it back into layman’s terms when communicating with someone outside of their circle. If not, you make yourself look like an asshole by appearing to look down on the other person for not knowing your technical wordery. 

Hey, it’s hotter than satan’s balls out, you know what would be great, let’s add some humidity to that. No, it won’t cool you down like usual. It’ll still be ball-hot, just a lot muggier and you’re wet. Thanks, Satan.

Tickets! Who needs ‘em? Who wants to remember a fun night out? No one. Here’s a receipt that says ticket on it. But it’s not a ticket. I know, you know it, we all know it’s not a ticket. A ticket should have perforated edges, multiple colors, made of thicker stock paper, and be a nice keepsake for an event. But no one wants them I guess!

Minisode 9 - Ketchup Grand Prix

Minisode 9 Thumb

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome folks! On this sunny July day, we’re glad to have you join us for the ONE, the ONLY: KETCHUP GPX!!! Seven bottles enter, but only one will come out on top. A battle of the highest importance, judged by the most cutting edge scientists the world has to offer. Folks, we’ve got underdogs, we’ve got returning champions, but most of all…we’ve got no clue how it’s gonna go! It’s anyone’s game! But first we’d like to tell you a little about who makes this all possible. This once-in-a-lifetime event is proudly brought to you by your local SONIC® Drive-In and their brand new Pickle Juice Slushie, pick one up today, or try one of their four other new flavors:

* Phone Game Ads
* Soldering
* Tattoos
* Differences in the Taste of Ice

That’s right, the sweet taste of Phone Game Ads are now available in slushie form, ready for you to ignore! Ignore the subtle hints of diamonds, gems, coins and more and get right back to suckin’ on that fat straw of content. (Ice, cup, and syrup flavoring not included, available in SlushBoxes for only $4.99!)

Afraid of metal? Don’t be, with the new Soldering Slushie! Melt those summertime blues (and old solder) away with it’s flavor punch of burning circuits with a hint of flesh! (Caution: Soldering Slushie requires three to four adult human hands to operate, not for children under three.) *SLURRRP*

MMMMM! What’s that taste? Well, it’s the taste of PBR, sushi, and Wild Berry Pop-Tart vape juice in our new Tattoo Slushie! Our engineers have whipped this one up with a special treat! It leaves a permanent tattoo on your tongue, with 25% less pain than a normal tattoo! Choose between a Celtic band, an anchor, and a fierce samurai warrior!

You thought that was all? Oh no my friend, we saved the best for last. We’ve gathered 124 different types of ice from refrigerators around the world to bring you the Funky Tasting Ice Slushie! Is it the vague taste of frozen chili? Is it the smell of frozen garlic bread? Is that a tiny piece of broccoli? The answers are YES, YES, and YES!

Thanks Patrons! We hope you enjoy this XXXL Not-So-Minisode experiment. Let us know how much you loved it in the comments or in our Discord. 

Minisode 7 - Little Women

Minisode 7 Thumb

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome to the final bonus bits for this month.

- Windows Notifications
- No Mens Dish Gloves
- Lack of Backup Baskets
- Small Monsters
- Flys

Hey, it's Windows Here. I need to tell you about this important Bonus Episode that just released on HWIDG!

Maybe you're a sensitive man, not wanting to have a bunch of chemicals directly on your skin. Well fuck you because latex gloves, are the only thing on earth that are safe for women, and fuck you for trying to co-opt that safe space.

You're at the store, and finally you find a bunch of gloves for men. You're ecstatic. Guess what? In your hopeless state you didn't bother to grab a basket when you walking into the store. That's fine; as you walk to the front of the store. Only to never find the aisle ever again. Why wasn't a basket near you when you needed it?

You're trying to determine where the aisle possible could have gone. Maybe it was stolen by a monster. It would have to be a big one though, because small monsters are fucking lame. Anything that can be kicked out of a window, or disabled by capturing it in a box is not scary. I'm looking at you you goddamn fly in the house.

Flys are stupid. They just fly around bumping into shit, and getting trapped in your blinds making you go crazy trying to kill the fucker. There are no windows in the Handle Breaker house because he over zealously tried to kill all the flys and just bust through the whole window.

Well that is out Minisode this month. Thank you for supporting the show. We have 2 special bonus episodes coming soon for everyone, and an even specialer $5 Bonus Episode.

Minisode 6 - Patreon, We Shrunk Ourselves

Minisode 6 Thumb

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Sliding in at the last second is April's Minisode where we discuss these minor issues.

- The Room
- The Premature Nod Off
- People That Don't Eat Pizza Crusts
- The Inconsistency of Movie Popcorn
- Post Movie Shoes
- The 45 Minute Snow Day Make Up

What may be the most boring movie ever made, The Room. Why do people watch this movie? Ironically? No you're all idiots this movie is bad, and you should feel bad, it puts me to sleep.

Putting me to sleep, well that is our second issue, nodding off prematurely. You're sitting there, you start nodding off, you decide you've earned a little siesta. Lay down... WELL FUCK YOU NOW IT'S TIME TO LAY WIDE AWAKE!! Thinking about all the people that have wronged you.

One of those people, the asshole that doesn't eat pizza crust. Mother fucker, you have eaten a fuck load of crust up to the end, and now you have a problem. K-k-k-k-k-kill Yourself.

Speaking of eating a fuckload of things, why the fuck can't I get decent popcorn for $10? Microwave popcorn is always perfect yet somehow a bag of popcorn that costs more than the employees working there make in an hour can't meet a consistent quality assurance level? God damnit.

Then post movie all that shitty popcorn that you dropped on the floor? Now you have styrofoam feet, I hope that polished concrete isn't too slick or you might die.

Finally schools were closed here in OK for two weeks so the teachers could cry about money. Instead of making those days up at the end of the year (Or you know, having the teachers do their fucking job), they get to make them up by adding 45 minutes to each school day getting kids out later and teaching them fuck nothing.

Well that is this month's episode, thanks for supporting the show everyone, we'll see you next month. May's commentary will be a couple days late, due to Tim and I's schedules not lining up. Plus we may be having a special guest for Episode 75 this week. Stay tuned.

The Room, Premature Nod Off, People That Don't Eat Crusts, Inconsistent Movie Popcorn, Post Movie Shoes, Snow Day Make Up

Minisode 5 - I Got a Lousy Ticket

Minisode 5 Thumb

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome fans to the smallest episode of the month. Minisode 5 where we discuss these small ball issues.
- Weird Hairs
- Being Hot & Cold at the same time
- Contacts
- Not winning a bike at the circus
- Online Volumization
- Tweet Diatribes

You're getting to that ripe old age of 27 and what are you getting? Weird fuckin hairs growing from areas they shouldn't be growing from. What the fuck is your deal? If you want to be a beard hair grow in the beard, if you want to be a chest hair grow on the chest. YOU'RE IN NO MAN'S LAND YOU CUNT!

The only thing worse than that is the bodies temperature regulation system that in the dire emergency of being in bed, decides to cut its losses with the arms and face and crank up the heat for the legs and the back of your head. Hey stupid body, if you just sent it to the parts not under the blanket I'd certainly survive.

Tim almost had a catastrophic accident this week, following our mini news segment he blinked way too hard and sent his contact lens into the corner of his eye pausing the show for several minutes. Journalists like Tim Pool experience this level of danger every day, and god bless them for it.

Back on track I bring in an issue 24 years in the making. Not winning a bike at the circus. You could say my family is circus addicted, we go all the time, there is never a bad time to go to the circus. Every time intermission rolls around and we go looking in the program, "Is this year our year" we hope to ourselves. NO, NO IT FUCKING ISN'T! At this point all of the circuses should just give us a bike as a thank you for our years of patronage.

Do you ever watch youtube videos and think man, I can barely hear this, and then swap to another one and go deaf? Yeah apparently google can protect us from googling bad words but they can't be bothered to run an algorithm to equalize the audio levels on all of their videos. Sons of bitches.

Finally this description will be shared on twitter for everyone to see what they are missing, it will only take 9 tweets to do it too. I know I could just post a link to this patreon page, but I'm a fuck face jonesing for some twitter likes like a moron.

Thanks again for sponsoring us this month on HWIDG we hope to see you next month for some more amazing shows. As Joel used to say, Ciao Ciao Mother Fuckers.

Minisode 4 - It's Not Gay, It's Just Fruit

Minisode 10 Thumb.jpg

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome Patreonis to an episode so small you can barely see it. This month the little things that are nagging us are.

- Sore Throats
- Throwers
- Bananas
- Google Image Search
- Liking Penis
- Cold Contact Solution

There is a terrible feeling in life and it's having a sore throat. Days of misery in what might be your most important orifice. What's worse is that there about about 400 ways to get one and the only way to cure it is patience.

About that impatience, nothing is worse than an impatient fuck in your game throwing the thing because he thinks you suck. Hey dipshit, maybe if you played with the team instead of trying to be the one man greatest douche on earth, we could win.

About this time in the show, Tim decides he needs to desperately share a message with me. It's a picture of his lousy tea, so I made it the thumbnail. Now you too get to experience the Anus.

If you want to know more about things that don't go in your anus unless you are an atheist, look no further than bananas. What a shitty fruit you buy it and 40 minutes later it's decomposed into dirt. Science has given us a lot of things but bananas that don't suck isn't one of them.

In the latest way google fuck us all in the ass was the removal of the open image button. Yet again some company got their panties in a wad because people were able to use the internet fully, and google's white guilt stepped in and fucked the user. Thanks google, thanks so much.

Something else that fucks you is a penis, and I just don't get what the appeal is. Who wants a penis, I mean really.

Finally the weak among us that need daily prosthetic correction to not get themselves killed have a gripe. Putting cold contacts in your eyes. If we lived in the Hobbesian state of nature you'd all be dead. So count your blessings.

Well that's it until next month. Thanks for supporting the show, and stay peeled for Episode 66 coming soon! 

Minisode 3 - With Tim

Minisode 3 Thumb

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Tim comes screeching into the Madcucks Studios hot and heavy and we talk about some important, yet microscopic issues.

- Flimsy Physical Media
- Too Short of a Chairs
- Too many small plates
- Too Tight Pants
- Sleeping at a New Place
- Not Seeing the Hulk's Penis

You know how you spent a little extra to get your favorite book, or maybe that movie or video game you've been wanting? Well guess what, it's falling apart because they cut a bunch of little holes in your Blu-Ray Case. That book is a paper back and it's curved and split all to fuck. Now I have no reason to live.

Speaking of no reason to live, short people must inhabit the world of office chairs because they are always too goddamn low to the ground. The adjustment is ass on the ground, or ass hovering slightly above the ground. Hey how about knees at a 45 degree angle and a little bit of rockback you cheap cocks.

You know what would cut food costs down? Not having to have a dishwasher wash 40 small saucers instead of one regular sized plate. It's like they are setting up a model of the solar system and your table is the canvas. Hey asshole, if I wanted to explore outer space, I'd watch Star Trek.

Star Trek is great, but you know what it is rife with? Too tight of pants. In the future everyone is wearing spandex and it's camel toe's and moose knuckles from here to Betelgeuse. You know who wants tight pants? Women, and they can't stop complaining about how they don't have pockets that work. Some how companies figured men were so tired of hearing this complaint that we wanted to end it by also wearing tight pants.

As long as we're registering complaints, Tim wants to complain about the lodgings I provided for him. Look Tim, you got a sofa, with nearly 0 privacy, a blanket, and a crack head next door shouting until three in the morning. You can't fucking sleep? Tough luck. I once slept on the floor because Tim fell asleep playing video games at a friends house and that was the only option.

Finally we watched Thor Ragnarok and they make a huge plot point of Banner's too tight of pants, yet when he turns into the Hulk at the end of the movie those pants magically expand to not be too tight on the Hulk. Look I'm not into Penises, but we should have at least seen some neck and tasteful editing. Goddamn.

Well that's this minisode that somehow got a longer write up than some regular episodes.