Episode 244 - Go, Go, Gojira!

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It was only a matter of time folks. Usually we're not ones to copy trends and follow what everyone else is doing, but this time there's big money involved, so away with our dignity! We're proud to present Here's What I Don't Godzilla, from North to South, East to West, but especially the East, the only Godzilla-based podcast to tackle all of life's toughest kaijus every week. Brought to you by Ronco! Join us each week as we battle through the gauntlet of Tohos and Showas and Mothras and whatever other dumb puppets Godzilla destroys because he's the best!

- Cheaters
- Falling For It
- Making Up Leaks
- Doubling Down

Cheating in a single-player game? Who cares. You wanna make your Skyrim guy invincible with a spell that summons 50 dragons at a time? Go ahead. It's a power fantasy. But in a game that's all about doing the impossible and improbable under dire circumstances? Well you're just cheating yourself. Where's the fun in NOT dogfighting in the air, getting shot by an AA canon, but downing the other pilot before you blow up, then parachuting out of your burning plane, sniping the other falling pilot before he lands, then falling onto the AA canon guy that shot you out of the sky in the first place, then plunging your knife into his stomach and stealing his dogtags so his family never has a sense of peace, then 30 years later including them in a letter saying "lol get fukd AA noob". You're just cheating yourself out of that moment.

Maybe this one will be it guys. Maybe THIS will finally be the 80s franchise they dig up for the third time, but this time instead of defiling its body, they'll dress it up all nice looking and treat it with respect! It's not going to happen, folks. Stop getting hype for the same reboot over and over. How many "passing the torch" reboots have come and gone the last 5-10 years? They're all the same thing, and look at you dummies paying money for each one each time. Here's some advice: enjoy the memories you have of [INSERT CHILDHOOD PRPERTY HERE] and find something else to be obsessed with. Star Wars, Ghostbusters, TMNT, He-Man, Thundercats, Transformers, whatever it is is not for you anymore.

How to get people to see movies 101: make good movie, get good marketing. Done. How to get people to see movies (as understood by internet weirdos) 101: Write an article about some reddit user's screencap of a 4chan post of a supposed CGI farm worker's thoughts on what secrets the next big blockbuster has in it. Do this once a week every week after the movie is announced but before the trailer is out. Once the trailer is out, flood the news sites with stories about 'PLOT LEAKS FOR X-MEN '92' that are just the trailer scenes stitched together in some cohesive fashion but also completely made up. Do this every day so the DAILY MCU NEWS YouTube channels have something to post everyday. When the movie comes out in 6 months, don't mention any of the "news" of those leaks you've been pushing for 2 years.

Dear Diary: today I tried to give myself superpowers again. This time I touched a white-hot stove to see if I had cool heat powers or invulnerability. I do not. But if I wanted to, I could now become Fifth-Degree Arm Stump Boy! Anyways, see you tomorrow! Dear Diary: You know, sometimes you just really believe that something will work. Well, I tried to give myself superpowers again today. I thought, maybe leaping a building in a single bound, or shooting lasers from my eyes, but I kinda really want heat and or invulnerability powers. So I did the stove thing again. I swore, for a second I thought it was working! I couldn't feel a thing! The doctors say that's because the nerves in that good hand were immediately burned away. BUT now, that I have to write with my feet, I could be a cool leg-based hero! Anyways, I got a feeling that the third time's the charm, so see you tomorrow!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 243 - Escape Pod Plan

This week we have lost a dear friend. Join us in mourning as we say goodbye to someone that has been with this podcast since it started. But when life throws your loved one off of a cliff/into a volcano, it resurrects said loved one with a new body and kick-ass devil powers. So get ready to say hello to Devil Recording Laptop and his cronies: 

- Broken Computers
- Bad Internet
- "What I Look Like Now" Posts
- Social Taxonomy

Remember when computers were whole rooms? That's right, if you didn't know already, computers used to take up whole rooms, the way a server farm takes up a whole room for hundreds and thousands of computers running servers these days. Try breaking one of those puppies. No flimsy hinges or lack of cooling there. These days our computers are made to be small, sleek, and the way of the big E-ATX tower is going off to visit a farm upstate. Like most technology, it's moved from user-serviceable parts that require a little specialized knowledge, to plebian consumer-friendly "just buy a new one" opening-this-device-voids-your-warranty boxes.

Slow internet sucks. We've all had to put up with it. Maybe your at grandma's house and all she needs is to send emails and print recipes, so she has the bottom-of-the-barrel speed. Or you're staying at that budget hotel/motel on a business trip, and their wi-fi is shared among the six floors. It sucks but you can put up with it, or ignore it and live that weekend like a luddite. But *bad* internet? Going out at the most inopportune times, speeds running lower-than-low,flickering on and off? That's the worst.

People age. That's a fact of life. Some people age like the finest of cabernet sauvignons, some age like they've found the fountain of youth, and others age like milk you bought at a dented can store. As we get old, most of us lose track of keeping our bodies in line. Kids and work taking up all your time leads to a lot of fast food and microwave dinners. You can't wolf down a whole pizza like you could back in high school, or you're gonna have a bad time. That's why it's admirable for anyone that tries to work on their body instead of working on their Netflix and Ice Cream night streak. What's not admirable is being proud of letting yourself go and letting the world know it.

As people, we put ourselves in groups. Maybe as some sort of latent survival tactic from the cavemen days, but it's still there. We create groups to generalize people and that's fine. But these days, we've taken it to the extreme. Like a gamer who's only into 2D Roguelike Multiplayer Action Platformers, people have started these small niche groups, like Nonbinary Overweight Thirdsoul Druids, so they can feel special. And when we all feel special? No one's special.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 242 - Alien Swill

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On this week's episode of HWIDG, we'd like to apologize for any audio snafus there might be, but just remember we're just a couple of dudes. We're not one of these big podcasts backed by a global media company. Those kinds of podcasts have like 5 producers and 3 editors to catch all of that. So if there aren't any audio problems, praise us, because we're just as good as these big name podcasts that absolutely don't have any problems whatsoever.

- Alien Covenant
- Non-Alcoholic Whiskey
- Live Chat
- Web of Lies

Ah, the Alien movies. Is there another series that spans such a gamut of quality? Maybe, but I can't think of one right now because the awfulness of Alien: Covenant is still living rent-free in my mind, days later. It's a lot like a Karen. She wants to be vegetarian, but still eat BBQ. Alien Covenant wants you to care about its characters but does nothing with them and hires charisma-less actors to portray them. It wants you to marvel at the new cool aliens, but then takes the practical effects they did on set and paints over them with CGI. It wants you to believe that these people are scientists on an alien planet, but they don't bother to wear any protective suits! Just say 'NO' to Alien: Covenant.

Who is non-alcoholic whiskey for? Why it's for losers with poor self-esteem! That's right! Don't drink but still go out to bars and parties where people pressure you like you're a Sophomore in high school, and you feel bad about it? Boy do I have the product for you. Just sign this form that registers you as a Spirit Offender and we'll be on our way. In two to four weeks you should receive your first shipment of Swill™! What is Swill™? Well, we ventured into a remote mountain in the Galapagos and found a tribe of natives that had never had alcohol before. So we took their local toilets and rinsed them out, then bottled that rinse water! It's perfect on the rocks, in a cocktail, or buried with you deep in the ground where no other person can have it!

Imagine if you will, a sports bar. Imagine all the folks watching the big game that night. Now take their thoughts and shouts of excitement and mix them in with the thoughts and shouts of excitement of approximately a dozen deranged hobos. Pop them up in chronological order and that's what its like watching the live chat on YouTube or Twitch, or anything streaming. You've got your garden variety trolls, your obligatory scam spammers, the crazy people that think the people they're watching are their best friends, and your lonely "show feet plz" troglodytes. They invented the "Hide Chat" button for a reason. Use it.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. That's what Stevie Nicks said. Well Stevie, how about you stay over there in Lie Land with Todd Howard and the Government and leave us alone. We're called Truthers and we want to know the truth. Can it be hard to accept? Yes. But it's like pulling off that band-aid. The longer it sticks, the more it's gonna hurt. And eventually? Well it's not a band-aid, it's a scab. The kind that is just ready to heal and you might as well be peeling off skin when you get rid of it. "I never want to do that again" kind of pain.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 241 - Microwave Faux Pas

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This week, the world is still reeling from the incredible happenings at the World Firework Championships. The bronze medal went to veteran Chip Mahoney with an amazing display of simultaneous grilling and fireworking, culminating in a finale where he cleaned up 12 beer cans by flying them via bottle rocket directly into a garbage can. Taking silver this year was newcomer Howard J. Hines with an extensive Harry Potter-themed Roman Candle Battle exhibition. But shocking the world in an unforeseen upset was the first place medal winner Tab Birt who produced a spectacle for the ages. A full orchestra, decked in sparklers performed Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture while he timed the song's usual cannon firing to the sound of exploding microwaves. If you weren't there in person, you can now purchase the 2021 World Firework Championship Highlights VHS for only $49.99!

- Won't Someone Think About the Dogs?!
- Freedom Isn't Free
- Invincible Pacing
- Women Using Kids to Stop Fun

Fireworks have been around for over a thousand years. We've had domesticated dogs since long before that, but they've had plenty of time to adapt. The Fouth of July happens every year. It doesn't just sneak up on you like a silent tornado. If you have dogs that you haven't trained to not piss themselves at fireworks, you need to be ready for that weekend. It's called being responsible. Complaining about fireworks is a moot point. You either were prepared and are an asshole that wants to sap fun from everyone else due to your Pekingese, or you're a bad pet owner. Pick one.

Freedom isn't free. But it could be. It could be if we stopped being Earth's Hall Monitor But Also The Kid Who Stirs Shit Up. How about we stop spending billions of dollars a year sending troops to countries that don't want us there because we sent billions in weapons there five years ago and a bunch of zealous assholes got their hands on them. It almost seems like we're that crazy firefighter that goes around setting fires so we can put them out because there's not enough fires and the city is going to shut us down.

I understand that when you take a book and turn it into something else, you gotta change it. Having a movie where you constantly hear the main characters thoughts via narration would be real dumb. The book of a musical? Good luck getting anyone other than trained musicians to read it. But you have to be careful in moving things around or else you can lose fundamental aspects of why something works. Like making Blofeld James Bond's brother, or having Antonio Banderas play an Arabian ambassador, or making a beloved 300 page children's book into three separate three hour snoozefests.

Having children is not a miracle. Billions upon billions have been doing it for the last couple million years. The creation of fire? The wheel? Those are worth celebrating. You fulfilling your biological imperative to bone is not. If you bring your child somewhere unsafe and refuse to leave, that's on you. A kid is crying at a loud concert? Leave. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your kid is not special, you are not special, and acting like you deserve special treatment because you had one only makes me feel like a really late term abortion is in need. Not for the kid, for you.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 240 - Beating the Dickens

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As HWIDG's last official episode of June, we'd like to preemptively say this may or may not be the end of the show! It's a gamble, really. Either one of the hosts could die in a heinous bottle rocket accident or get killed by a friend for tossing an M-80 under their car! We might come back next week with the issue "Not Having Ten Fingers Anymore"! So remember listeners, if you're going to play with fireworks this Fourth, film it just in case anything crazy happens, so you can get that sweet internet clout!

- Open Container Laws
- Bad Endings
- Paper Checks
- Beating it Out of You

Why is alcohol bad? Because some old guy in the sky said so. It's true. If you let your kids drink alcohol they'll start doing all kinds of bad stuff, like going to parties where girls exchange oral sex for colorful bracelets, and smoking the devil's lettuce and going to Judas Priest concerts while playing satanic board games. They'll start getting into cars by sliding across the hood and start selling bootleg fireworks in order to fund their expensive Pink Floyd vinyl collections! Alcohol is a terrible evil that can infect up to, get this, FIVE WHOLE PERCENT of a glass of beer! So remember, in the bar, totally legal to walk around with a beer in your hand. During a traffic jam-I mean festival parade downtown, totally legal. Once your big toe goes past that cordoned off section of street though YOU'RE A FELON.

Ah, serialized storytelling. The big draw is tuning in every week to resolve that sweet cliffhanger. Cliffhanger after cliffhanger you watch, read, or listen. If the series gets canceled in the middle? Sure, that sucks. The story will never be finished! But, you can live with the satisfaction that you didn't slog through hundreds of weeks just to get to a terrible ending, because that my friends, is the ultimate bummer. You see a bad movie? No problem, you forget about it, it took 90 minutes of your time. You end your long running premiere TV show with a big ol' dragon dookie? You've got a riot on your hands.

Paper checks are like bingo. As a kid, it's exciting enough, but what you really want is that sweet set of Pokemon stickers that the bingo represents. You get older? Never touch the game. You practically forget it exists. You want nothing to do with it, actually. It's a bunch of hoops to jump through just for some money. Then old age starts setting in, and your hobbies start going away. You can't read as well anymore, you've lost your dexterity, so you go down to the old bingo hall. And suddenly your whole life is bingo and no one can take that away from you, because you're old and we're supposed to respect you or something. What I'm trying to say is I hate paper checks.

Boy, that thing you really like to do? It would be a real shame if we made you do that but with boring things and old things that aren't interesting and only 'popular' because they're old. And we tell you that your version of that thing will never be of any value. And we're going to do that for another ten or so years until you hate doing that thing. Oh also, you're a child! That's right! We're crushing the dreams and wishes of billions of children for laughs! Suck it, nerds.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 239 - We Assume

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On tonight's episode of HWIDG Investigates: a mysterious suicide and an even more mysterious letter. When disgraced former podcast host "The Handlebreaker" was found dead in his prison cell last week from an apparent suicide, the world was shocked. With no traces of foul play, and the cameras of the prison "down for maintenance", it seemed like an open and shut case on the man who was charged with destroying millions of dollars of government property. But a letter was found just recently that sheds new light on the suicide, and conspiracy theorists are saying that the cypher might point to murder. The contents of the letter were brief, but it read: "lol watch me get Epstein'd". Who knows what the mad man might have meant by this puzzling statement. We'll never know. Next week we investigate:

- Not Doing Your Job
- Juneteenth
- Barren Food Wastelands
- Honeypots

Regular people work. Some have careers, some have jobs, some have gigs. Even the people in their dream job have to put up with BS from higher-ups or customers or just some aspect of what they do. And what do these people do? Do they whine until they get what they want? Do they laze around and do their job in the most smarmy, sarcastic way? No. They grit their teeth, buckle down and get it done. Now only if people with cushy jobs like actors could do the same damn thing.

Juneteenth is now a holiday. Go ahead and ask a family member or neighbor or co-worker if they know what it celebrates. See what they say.

Sometimes you go out to eat and they don't have some side or are out of some special. That's understandable. If it takes you five times to pick something from the menu that they *do* have? Why are they even open? Why bother with the menu at that point? Just sit people down and give them a random plate of food. Hell, that's what keeps gamers attached to money-sucking free-to-play games and microtransaction-filled multiplayers: lootboxes! Ten buck flat fee and get a random plate of food!

There are no such thing as FBI honeypots. There is no way that the honorable bureau would plant some affable podcasts hosts in order to draw in radical citizens ripe for Manchurian Candidate-esque re-conditioning. That would be ludicrous. Just as ludicrous as what the government is doing to its citizens, wouldn't you say? Doesn't that make you angry? Don't you want to do something about it? Anyways, make sure to check out our sponsor Furious Firearms for 99% off a patriotic new rifle!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 238 - Chained to the Desk

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Now available on the HWIDG Store is our new soothing Here's What Doesn't Burn Cooling Relief Ointment! For burns small to large our proprietary blend of chemicals will quickly soothe away any possible burning sensations from fire, radiation, or an entire episode of a podcast dedicated to dunking on you. So admit defeat and grab a bottle today!

- Government Slow Lane
- CG Trailers
- The Smart Home
- Missing a Line Drive

Have you ever been to the dentist and the doc shows you your X-Rays and you catch a glimpse of the computers they have, running on 15 year old Windows XP computers? When they decide to upgrade those in a few years, they will graciously give those to their local state government, finally moving them into the twenty first century. Until then, you better hope they still have a User's Manual for Windows 3.1 because Karen in accounting is going to need it to run her computer. Or you could just send her the instructions yourself through a telegram.

A CG Trailer for a game used to be the hype reel. It would play when you booted it up, getting you ready for what you were going to play. They made those after the made the actual game. These days? Despite that games look as good as ever, they pay some CG Studio millions of dollars to make a 30 second "tone" piece they use to announce their game at E3. Then they start making it look like that. How about instead, you make a good game and show me what that looks like? Instead of putting out some high bar trailer that the game will never live up to.

Connected devices! Everything is connected and talks to each other these days! Your fridge can tell you're running out of ketchup, so it tells Alexa to order you some more, and when that shows up, your Amazon Home Lock opens for the delivery driver, and he walks in and starts touching himself, activating your Amazon Love Machine. He knows he shouldn't but he just can't stop, and then you walk in. You see this delivery guy humping your beloved sex doll and you lose it. You go for your Amazon Gun Safe and pull out the Limited Edition Prime Day Remington 870 with Alexa. You whisper, "Alexa, cap this fool". In an instant, a hole is punched through his chest cavity. Gore strewn across the room, you look at Cherry the Amazon Love Machine to see she has been hit. The life is fading from her eyes, her battery doesn't have much longer. And worst of all? She's not in production anymore. So starts your journey through the wastelands of 2025 to find her a new body.

Sometimes something is personally tailored to your tastes. All of its individual pieces are right up your alley. Then you try it. And it just doesn't come together. For all intents and purposes it SHOULD. But it lets you down. Even more than something you have no hopes for because it should be what you like. Some people try to force it. But you can't. It's just not for you, and you need to accept that.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 237 - Defraud the Movies

We here at HWIDG like to bring you important messages each week, but none has been more important than this one. Folks, there's a rising threat in our community, and it's time we address it. For too long, Tired, Old New Yorkers have been running around, rudely telling people off, walking around with marinara-stained undershirts, rambling about gabbagool, claiming they "knew Bobby DeNiro back in da day", and just generally creating a bunch of mayhem. So we are advising against a campaign to End T.O.N.Y, and we hope you'll join us.

- Spin-off Shows
- Vocal Fillers
- Kaijuu Lovers
- Recap Reviews

Urkel. Screech. Joey. Sheldon. What do these names have in common? They were the annoying sidekick on their respective shows, then when it came time for that popular show to end, they took the screechy monkey baby and gave him his own show. Typically this is just the same as the original, but now instead of an ensemble cast of likeable dudes, it's just the one guy. It's like if you took a cookie recipe ingredients, and replaced everything with equal amounts of baking powder and expected someone to eat it.

We, um, don't, um, like, like, uhh, people that, uhh, throw in all kinds of, ummmm, like, filler words when they, uhh, talk or whatever. Especially when, uhhhh, the can, uh, just edit, uhhh, their own, like, podcast.

Godzilla is not a hero. He's a monster. He's hellbent on destroying the Earth. Does he save Earth from other wacky monsters (or should I say, sweaty men in bad rubber suits)? Yes, he does. But only in a "No one destroys Earth but me" context. When there's a couple of rad teens in a big ol' robot trying to kill the monster of the week, you're not rooting for that monster. You want those kids with attitude to punch that monster in the face with a sword.

A recap is not the point of a review. A review should let the reader know what the reviewer liked and disliked about the thing. For something like a video game, this would be graphics, gameplay systems, story, sound, replayability, etc. If a game review went level by level describing what the reviewer did, it would be a terrible review. At that point it's just a written Let's Play. For movies if you spend most of it just recapping the plot, then saying if you liked it, that's just a Wikipedia page Story section and a rating.   All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 236 - Take a Number

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We here at HWIDG would like to elaborate on some of the findings in our ILLEGALLY hacked and released emails this week. First, Tab would like to apologize for the underwhelming amount of gun and ammo purchase receipts, but in his defense, they were made up in number by just pounds and pounds of meat. Secondly Tim would like to say that the only reason the daily "Please release Rhinestone in 4K UHD Blu-Ray" emails he sent to Bob Iger stopped were due to threat from Mr. Iger himself to "burn the master negatives of that honky-tonk piece of crap unless you stop contacting me". We would also like to take this moment to preemptively leak this week's episode contents:

- Department of Public Safety
- Amazon Sidewalk
- Massacres
- Lazy Twitch Streamers

The Department of Public Safety? More like the Department of waiting all day to pay a ridiculous fee to arbitrarily keep my privilege to travel.

Villains in real life aren't moustache-twirling, top hat-wearing bozos that scream "I'll get you someday, Superman!" No, in real life they tend to hide under the guise of "just your average multi-billionaire philanthropist" or "glorious leader doing the best for my country". And that's the key, is that they present themselves as doing the public a service for their own good. So when Amazon says they're going to have a camera installed in every room of your house by 2025 so they can keep you safe from danger, Johnny Everyman says "Thanks, Amazon!".

What exactly defines a massacre? What do you imagine when the word comes into your mind? People tied up in lines, wearing hooded bags, waiting to be executed? Machetes hacking up sleeping innocents? Well, I'll tell you this much, it's a lot worse than a riot. 10/10 people would agree that "massacre" implies worse things than "riot" does. If some damning new evidence came to light that changed how we saw an event, I'd say a name change would be in order. Just changing an event's name to make it sound worse than it was? Hm.....

Video games are meant to be fun. Can you have fun playing a game with someone telling you where to go and how to play the whole time? I don't think so. So when a streamer doesn't bother to look in the settings or skips through the tutorial just to have their chat do all the work for them, it makes for a bad time. I barely want to see someone else play a video game in the first place, so if you're only barely playing the game and not being interesting in another way, what's the point?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 235 - Munchkinland (ft. Rem Dickman)

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Tonight, on HWIDG Investigates: The Land of Oz. Once a fairytale-esque land of Lollipop Guilds and Yellow Brick Roads, after the Munchkin Revolt of 1968, Oz was one of the poorest, most violent lands in the world. But these days, with a brand new government and a totally rewritten set of laws, Oz is prosperous once again. All thanks to its new Holy Godemperor, his highness, Tab Birt. After a brief United Nations trial that saw him acquitted of war crimes, he saw that Oz was restored to its proper glory, without "all those weird tiny people". But some people still view him in a poor light due to his genocide of the Munchkins. When prompted he had only two words to say : "blow" and "me". Tune in next week on HWIDG Investigates for part fourteen of our deep dive into the Bigfoot-D.B. Cooper-Hitler Love Triangle.

- Normie Nerddom
- One Person Majority
- Planet Manlet

Being a nerd these days isn't very hard. With the MCU and Funko Pops and Batman t-shirts shoved in your face everywhere, it's not hard to be one of these normie nerds. It's not about knowing Cyclops' beams aren't lasers and that in fact his eyes are portals to the Punch dimension, it's about getting his limited edition Age of Apocalypse Funko Pop and wondering "Why does he have long hair, that's different than the movie".

Remember the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? Or the one? Of course you don't, you're a normie who likes Micheal Burnham because she's so strong and brave! And also, you're a selfish lookie-loo who likes sticking their head into other people's business and believing you should upend their life because you were offended by something that was said in your vicinity. Congratulations, "I'm offended" now means "there needs to be consequences".

Short people got no reason to live. Who would've known that all these years later Randy Newman was a prophet for our new religion, Heightism. We of the Heightism faith believe that short people need to be rounded up and extinguished. They are a plague on mankind that has been too long in power, decreeing that clothes and furniture and buildings should be built to their specification. No longer! Now, the tall will rule the Earth and if you want it back, take it from our raised hands.

All that plus road rage, voicemails, comments and special news on this week's episode of HWIDG. Join us on DISCORD, and support the show on PATREON, or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 234 - Big, Dumb Monsters

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Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get, now with 100% less guests! That's right, no more of those zany neighbors joining in like Steve Urkel! Now it's back to the no-nonsense, serious life advice/true crime podcast you once loved.

- Average Movie Goers
- Dhar Mann Videos
- People Delaying You Fixing the Problem
- The Turn

Your average movie goer isn't the brightest. They've seen dozens of movies, just like us chad cinephiles, but for some reason their smooth brains won't let them recognize bad dialogue, poor CGI, continuity errors, or the terrible wooden acting of Brie Larson. For them it's "ooh shiny" moving pictures to keep their brain at just above consciousness. It's why they didn't "get" The Matrix in 1999 or Inception in 2010. It's why there's hundreds of shat-out YouTube videos "explaining" obvious aspects of movies.

Apparently YouTube is in a content drought. Despite millions and millions of videos on every imaginable subject, you average YouTube viewer just needs something easy to binge watch and keep them barely awake. I guess that's why this weirdo makes dozens of "family-friendly" "kid-approved" short films that are just Afterschool Specials. Four of these a week, of kids getting shamed for being poor, people bullied for being homeless, autistic kids getting made fun of, you know all things to instantly make you go "good guy", "bad guy". It's the plebian's daily dose of "INSTANT KARMA, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT".

You know, I love when I'm working on a problem that's driving me up a wall, taking all of my years of experience to tackle, and the doofus who hired me, who maybe knows a thing or two about a thing or two, comes up and asks me how long it's gonna take, or even worse, starts up with "have you tried this thing?". Yes, Dave, I have. It's the first thing I did. And the longer you hover around me, with me needing to explain the things I learned years ago just to bring you up to speed on the subject, let alone what I've already tried, IS MAKING THE PROBLEM LAST LONGER.

No messiah is safe from their religion. If Jesus came down to Earth, and turned out to be a gay, weed-smoking, tattooed, pierced, abortion-performing, warmonger whose first act was to burn down all churches, he would be tried and executed that day, then erased from every bible and replaced with Kirk Cameron.  

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 233 - Service Me Now (ft. Adam from Houston)

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We here at HWIDG are proud to present our new sister podcast: HWICGIMC! On Here's Why I Can't Get Into My Car, we'll talk about all the reasons we're stuck in a Waffle House parking lot at four in the morning. Each week we'll invite a new guest for tips and tricks on how to break into your own car, even if it's at a Denny's or IHOP parking lot! All tips are guaranteed to be 24/7 breakfast-joint agnostic, and may even apply to cars stuck in steakhouses or KFC drive-thrus!

- Big Change Now
- Asshole Engineering
- The Science is Settled

It's my change and I want it now! Like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, people these days seem to want big, overarching social and political change at the snap of a hand. Look, if anyone had an Infinity Gauntlet, they would do the snap thing just like Thanos. Of course they would. Their ideal world in a blink of an eye? Sounds great. Also that's from a comic book you morons, that's not how life works. You draw sweeping swaths of socio-political change in a moment's notice? You got a war on your hands, buddy.

Remember the days when you could just screw something apart and back together? With a flathead or Phillips screwdriver? And not with a proprietary swirly screw head or a bunch of plastic tabs and glue? Those were the days. You know, when you actually owned things that you bought. Not anymore. These days its all leases and use licenses. You don't own the thing and if you mess with it we'll come and take it back. Hiding under the guise of "trade secrets" and "user ease", we've gone from being able to repair things to just buying a new one.

As everyone knows, once someone does some science, they submit it to the Holy Council of Science and the council etches the findings into the large, indestructible, Wall of Science so it is saved there for all time and no one can change it. Then, the members of the council announce the new science to Council Enforcers who then travel to labs all across the world and inform scientists of the new science with their fists. Once the scientists prostrate themselves to the Enforcers and pray to the God of Science three-hundred and fourteen times, they are forgiven and may return to their own science.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 232 - Luke Skyhocker (ft. Deadhelm)

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It's time to unveil the HWIDG Tax Plan for 2021! The plan is nothing. Taxation is theft.

- May the 4th
- California
- Armageddon Vibes

Happy Fan Day! It's a celebration! For the Fans! Fans can tell us how much they love us this year by buying 1 of our 64 Fan Day exclusive commemorative Fan Day 2021 FanBoxes. Each FanBox comes with a unique digital code for a bunch of nothing! For the Fans! Collect all 64 and you'll be put into a drawing for the Golden FanBox featuring an all-expenses paid trip to the grand opening of our Fan Store in New York City where you'll be the first to buy a bunch of tchotchkes that will gather dust on your shelf!

Ah, California. Sunny weather, beaches, palm trees, skaters and surfers, Silicon Valley dickwads raising property costs, and all other kinds of Coastal Elite shenanigans! So much so they call the other 46 states Flyover States. A burden to get across in order to get to their NYC business meeting all the while whining about how cold it is then retreat back to their home and downtalk the farmers that grow the almonds they so deperately need for their Dairy-free Venti Grande Chocotini with two pumps of Vanilla.

Hey, you know what's weird? The military! As civilians it's rare to see so many uniformed troops guiding you through large public spaces. It's something you only see in disaster movies with Jake Gyllenhaal or Gerard Butler. Well, that's enough said of that. We all know your here to hear Tab yell.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 231 - The Big Leagues (ft. Sage)

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Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get Investigates. This week: The Closing Time Bandit. A mischievous cretin that stalks restaurant establishments that are about to close. He then slinks in just as employees get that "I get to go home" feeling and that's when he strikes. Sometimes it's a gauge of will. Just a taco or two and a drink. Other times he seems almost angry, ordering one of everything. Becoming combative when they push back. "The customer is always right" he yells as he forces them to service him. Well, tonight we have an exclusive interview with him. Prepare as we peer into his twisted mind, right after these messages.

- The Spirit of the Game
- Services Being Pushed Onto the Consumer
- Stoner Comedies

Here in America we like watching people that are actually good at the sport play it, not your neighbor Jim. So when the biggest soccer teams in Europe decided to team up to make a new league, you know, so the best players can play each other instead of sitting on a bench while the third string takes care of whatever dumpy team they're playing, all the fans called foul. They said that it was greedy! It was against the "Spirit of the Game". Then they popped open their team's official beer and watched a commercial of their team's star player selling Gatorade before buying booking a vacation to Fiji with discount code TEAMNUMBER1.

Service is a funny word these days. It comes from the word "serve" but has been bastardized. When was the last time a Google "service" did something for you instead of on behalf of its board of directors? How many times has a "service" removed a feature you actually used because it wasn't popular enough? Think about the Terms of Service. You pay for the service, but they present a contract full of rules for you to follow? Sounds shady to me.

What do stoners like? Aside from Doritos and Burgers with Grilled Cheese sandwiches as buns, they like a good laugh. There's not stoner horror movies or stoner dramas the way there are stoner comedies. Unfortunately the writers of these comedies are usually just as blazed as their protagonists so the "comedy" is just things happening. No set ups and pay off. No rule of three. No timely callbacks. Just "funny monkey" or "dude got hit in the balls".

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 230 - Fill The Jar (ft. Madcucks)

Hey kids, it's time to get wacky with the host of Here's What I Don't Get: Madcucks! On today's episode Madcucks teaches you all about the "R" word: Respect! But first, an exciting look into Madcucks' house! There are all kinds of types of houses you can live in including apartments, condos, duplexes, and even mansions! The one that Madcucks lives in is called a "shed" and it's very cozy! Sometimes he even invites friends over to have fun! Right now, Stacy the Crack Whore is inside having a party with Madcucks and Hobo Jim from down the street! Maybe one day we'll go inside, but for now let's go back to the studio and start the show!

- People Hijacking Your Arguments
- Not Respecting Twitch Streamers
- Small Bathrooms

The problem with the internet is that it's considered a "public" space. Therefore some denizens feel the need to patrol and police the place to make themselves feel important. You can ask a simple question like "which are better, apples or oranges?" and immediately get mobbed by a Fruit Lives activist and an Anti-Fruit nutcase both of whom feel that you're literally causing them harm by typing words. Then, all of a sudden it's not about you anymore. They're essentially fighting in front of your house, but when you ask them to leave, they say "technically this is public property!"

R-E-S-P-E-C-T what does it mean to Twitch streamers? Uh, about the price of a monthly channel subscription if you have any basic manners. Hot tubs aren't exactly cheap, buddy. Donate the bits if you want to see the tits. These streamers pour their heart and soul into their purple-lit sets with Christmas lights and a wall that you can get your name written on. Think of all the time it takes to wipe sharpie off of their cleavage after all those simps donate to get "KEKW" written on it. Think of all the time it takes to organize an Amazon Wishlist of things they want you to buy them! Please, all they're asking is for you to slip some respect into their waistband.

There's a reason they call it "relieving yourself". It should be relieving! I shouldn't be cramped into a pretzel shape just to fit a poorly designed bathroom. There's nothing more depressing than a shower head at eye level. Even worse when it's not your own place. Even been in a hotel where the door blocks the sink? They exist. What I'm saying is we need to think bigger. They call it a throne for a reason. It should be treated as royalty. I want embroidered drapes! Polar bear fur rugs! A bidet that uses champagne! A shower to hold all the whisky bottles I want!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 229 - I'm Da God

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Finally you can use your hard earned money on something that will actually be useful! Introducing: SteakCoin! That's right, but those bot-gotten GPUs to good use mining the hottest new cryptocurrency! SteakCoin is the ONLY cryptocurrency that you can cash out as medium-rare steak at any butcher or deli. Buy now and we'll throw in an equal amount of Whiskereum, the only cryptocurrency that can be mined from empty bottles of whiskey. A bottle of Bourbon is worth 0.5 Wsks, Single Malt Scotches are worth 1.25 Wsks, and Peanut Butter-flavored whiskeys get you banned from the mining app! Get blackout drunk and make money at the same time! Just like that bachelor party you'll never speak of again!

- Fake Cameras
- Hate Speech Filters
- Censoring Adult Media
- Accident Babies

More and more our movies are not made by people holding equipment aimed at other people or even inanimate objects. No, the camera is keyframed to dolly in on a big robot or alien mothership, and it's smoother than Egyptian cotton. Or it's floating in the air, perfectly still. Or it's doing a 720° spin into a double corkscrew like its a gosh dang rollercoaster. Funny enough it's these perfectly smooth, impossible camera movements that take break my immersion instead of knowing some guy was holding a camera at actors.

Online gaming and name-calling is the Reese's Peanut Butter Cup of the internet. And of course some idiot with a peanut allergy can't take it and wants to get rid of it, so he's created a kernel-level CPU chip to analyze you voice with AI processing so you can't even say "Reese's" anymore. Well, that's fine we'll just start calling Reese's Cups "gamer treats" instead. Here's a tip, don't want to be called names online? Don't go online. Turn off chat. Don't engage. Get gud. You know, things we already have in place so your feelings don't get hurt.

I'm an adult. Barely, sure, but old enough to hear "bad words" and see tig ol' biddies. If you've got a big sticker or warning that says ADULTS ONLY, NOT FOR CHILDREN, you better not have bleeps and mosaic filters. We've got ratings and such for a reason! Use them! Don't sell me a ticket to an R-rated movie and then put your hands over my eyes when John Wick goes into a strip club to kill a gangster.

RIP Yahoo Answers. The place where you truly learned just how dumb people are. "How is babby formed?" Well, there's no storks involved unless you're really kinky. We all know how babby is formed and guess what? We have dozens of ways to prevent babby from being formed! So how do high school pregnancies still happen? It's like walking into an active warzone wearing just a t-shirt and jeans, but at the border they offered you a flak jacket, a rocket launcher, a trained team of soldiers, a tank, and an invisibility serum.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 228 - Pac-Man Theory (ft. Karl from WATP)

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Welcome to Alternate Facts week on HWIDG. This week: Earth. Is it a sphere, a flat plane, a disc on the back of four giant elephants that are on an even giant-er turtle, or something else? How fast exactly are we moving in space? 10,000 MPH or not at all? How come when I spin around really fast in place I get real dizzy, but the Earth can do the same and it doesn't vomit or transform into Wonder Woman? Does gravity exist or does stuff stay down because there are so many ghosts in the air? Did we actually go to the moon or did they broadcast a deleted scene from The Shining 2: Weekend at Hallorann's instead? What doesn't the CIA want us to know about the Sun and Moon? That the Sun is the ascended soul of Pac-Man, who died for our sins by his earthly name Jesus? Or that the Moon IS made of cheese and that's where pizza was invented? Other mysteries include:

- Flat Earth
- Actor Podcasts
- Ridiculousness

Ah yes, the good ol' flat earth theory. A child was confused by pictures of the earth and the flat projection of a map and vehemently believed one must be a lie, so now thousands of people worldwide believe in a massive conspiracy theory for no reason. What would be the reason for the cover-up? Who benefits? People that make globe models? When have you even seen one of those outside of the 30 year old one in your geography class? NASA is keeping secrets? What NASA? The one that has been defunded so much that they're hoping to repeat a successful moon landing more than 50 years later? Shouldn't that just be a thing we can do now? The way anything with a screen and a processor can play DOOM these days?

If there's anyone that thinks the world revolves around them while pretending to provide a service for the good of mankind its politicians. A close runner-up though are actors. People that are paid because they are pretty and can memorize words. Sometimes they're really good at it and you say, boy they really acted the heck out of that role. But someone was there telling them exactly how to play pretend. And that role was written by someone else. And filmed by someone else. And edited by someone else. And amended with CGI by someone else. But sure, they really own that character. Please tell me more about how you read a piece of paper nicely on your podcast with your rich friends that is produced and edited by other people.

Remember MTV? Not to sound like an old fogey, but they used to actually play different things. Thought I was going to say "music videos" didn't you? I don't even care about that. But they did use to play more than one program. At this point it's the Ridiculous Channel with movie night every now and then. Some days they don't even stop. That's right, you can veg out on your couch for an entire 24 hours watching skaters get hit in the balls or people falling off homemade rope swings all while some guy and his annoying entourage jump around like chimpanzees on a trampoline.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 227 - Electric Overalls (ft. Larry Bleidner)

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All aboard the S.S. HWIDG for Here's Wet I Don't Get 2021! We're packing a ship full of issues and headed for this year's hottest spring break location: the Suez Canal! Enjoy our mile-long bar with your commemorative 84 oz. HWIDG broken-handle mug! Enjoy our various steak buffets featuring steak-stuffed steak, steak-fried steak, and steak soup served in a steak bowl! And one lucky fan will get a chance to win one million dollars in the Uncle Buck Forklift Slam Dunk Challenge! Tickets are on sale now and the first 50 reservations will be upgraded to:

- Assembly Line Animation
- Infantilism
- Thinking Gas Vehicles Will Be Obsolete

Part of the appeal of comics is the range of wonderful artists that draw your favorite caped heroes. From Frank Miller's squat and blocky steroid freaks to Alex Ross's painterly realism, there's a huge spectrum full of intricacy, and that's not even touching the world of colorists. So when Big Comic Book Company decides to plop out one of its beloved stories onto your TV, it'd be great if they could not just make it look like their de-facto "Brand style".

It's 2026 and you're sitting at your desk at work. You press the big yellow button by the door to your locked cubicle. A robotic voice comes from the intercom: "What is your level of distress, Human 43?" You respond in the mandatory company policy: "Pweese can I go pee-pee?". The door unlocks and you head over to the bathroom. As you enter, the robotic voice continues: "Remember to be a good child and wash your hands, Human 43." As you finish and leave, you stop by the break room for a snack. You pick some snack from the vending machine. As it clunks to the bottom the familiar voice reminds you: "Only one cookie right now or you'll ruin your supper Human 43. Maybe if you file those TPS reports by END OF SHIFT you can have another, okay?"

Remember how when we advance in technology we immediately drop the old tech for the fancy new tech? What? That's not how it happens? What do you mean? I definitely only have USB-C cables and devices around, 4K HDMI 2.2 cables and ports, Wi-Fi everything, all my screens are OLED, and I only deal in Bitcoin. Sound unrealistic? Yeah, so does every gas-powered vehicle suddenly disappearing to the whim of electric.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 226 - Mondo

We're taking HWIDG back to the 1950's! Before they had invented colors and good movies, there was HWIDG! ON tonite's broadcast we're confronting these issues: Why My Wife Burns the Casserole After My Boss Has Been Chewing My Ass All Day, Not Having a Pack of Smokes with Your Steak, "Civil Rights", and Beatniks. Brought to you by Fat Daddy's Juke Bar! The only place in town with a deviled ham sandwich better than your wife's! So set that radio dial to 88.4 AM at 7:30 and get ready to rock and roll!

- The Fandom Menace
- Interactive Ads
- Nostalgia Movies
- Levels of Importance

Hate-watching. We all do it from time to time. Maybe its a dark and gritty reboot of your favorite childhood hero, or maybe its a squeaky clean cartoon of your favorite adult property. Either way, you're still watching it, congratulations. Even worse are hate-watchers with audiences. Even if you hate how your once-favorite IP is going, covering every rumor of a reboot or mishap by the producers is still supporting them! That's the opposite of what you want!

Ads used to be tricky. Subliminal messaging, remember that? Hidden naked ladies in paintings of ice cubes so you lust for Dr. Welcher's Diet Sasparilla. But these days? We're in a post-hiding-your-ad universe. Now, they straight up ask you to interact with a commercial. No more choice of illusion, just robotic PLEASE CONSUME.

Ah, childhood. Treehouses, riding your bike to the corner store to buy magazines and a hot dog, birthday parties at the local arcade, and BRIGHT FLASHING COLORS and LOUD  FART NOISES on the TV to pacify you. Programming specifically made to make children (who laugh at literally everything) watch them over and over and over and over and POOF, you're 25 and still singing Disney Songs.

The internet was supposed to be smart. It tells me that it will analyze how I use it and tell me what is important. Then why dear god, why do I ABSOLUTELY need to see this 10% off coupon for fish bait? How about you actually tell me when something I want comes? Not spam. Literal spam presented as important information, can you believe that?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 225 - You Get Bean! (feat. Crippled Jesus)

This week on Mighty Ragin' HWIDG Rangers... the mysterious Fifth Issue! When former-Ranger-turned-villain CJ returns with his own issue to join the other four, chaos ensues! Can the HWIDG Rangers combine their powers to defeat CJ, or will an even greater threat appear? Find out on this week's Mighty Ragin' HWIDG Rangers!

- Burying the Source Material
- Self-help Articles
- Addiction Shaming
- Too Long a Waiting Period
- "I'm Not a Fan, But..."

It is it lame and hoity-toity of me to say "Yes, but I was into [THING] before it was popular" or, "Please, you're not a real fan, you haven't read the original in Pig Latin"? Yes it is. BUT c'mon. I'm kind of right and therefore reserve the right to be pissed off when the first search result for my ultra gritty comic book is the children's cartoon adaptation.

Self help article of the week: "How I Owned My First House and Business by Age 28". How did they do it? By cutting down on the Starbucks? Coupon clipping? Not tipping? Sure, they did all those things and it really added up! Also they got a one-time loan of 2 Million dollars from their parents that they don't have to pay back. But that couldn't have contributed much, could it?

Everyone's got their vices. Smoking, gambling, drinking, pouring a can of nacho cheese into a family-size bag of crushed Doritos and eating the whole thing with a spoon. So when someone is pissed drunk telling you that you're gambling all of your money away by playing poker with your buds, they don't have much of a hill to stand on. It's the pot calling the kettle black lung.

Oh no, I've been scammed! I better report this and get my money back! Wait, what do you mean I have to wait 4 weeks, send in three forms of government ID and a blood sample before I can initiate a claim? You already kicked the scammer off your site! For scamming! I got scammed! Give me my money!

I don't know about you but I really liked the new Thundercats show. Sure, the animation was kind of poor as they were all stick figures, and sure they made them dogs instead of cats, and sure there was a scene where Panthro got blasted on quaaludes  and raped Snarf, but overall I really liked it. I was never really a fan of the original though, it was too violent.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!