Episode 224 - Get Funged

This episode of HWIDG is brought to you by aliens. They're out there somewhere. Observing us. Watching us flail around in our digital infancy, laughing at our continued use of physical munitions, and betting on what dumb thing we'll send to space next instead of, you know, ourselves. Whether they be little green men, tall greys, or badass avian-insectoid C-SEC officers you wanna bone, we will come in contact with them one day and we will learn that all that we humans have to our names are:

- Virtual School
- Smoker Damage
- Gender Spectrum
- NFTs

Remember school? Riding the bus? Hangin' with your buds? Playing Magic in the Anime club-I mean copping a feel during an assembly? Making fun of the kid with the weirdly shaped head? Sneaking out to smoke some crystal behind the gym? Well, guess what? You can't do none of that anymore. Not virtually at least. And that was the fun stuff. Virtual school has irrevocably changed the actual way that kids are taught. Good luck getting a kid to be interested in the wonders of science when she can't dissect an animal, make a giant Rube Goldberg machine, see dry ice sublimate right in front of her, or make a potato-powered lightbulb?

Is there anything more caustic than cigarette smoke? You might as well carry an unshielded nuclear-powered reactor around with you. It's killing you slowly and ruining literally everything round you. It's filling everything you own and everywhere you go with the scent of burnt tar, ammonia, formaldehyde and whatever other horrible things they can fit in those death sticks. God forbid you own anything of value, there's a reason Craigslist and eBay listings will proudly say "from a smoke-free household". Your yellowed stinky junk is relegated to be sold for a penny. A penny.

In 2021, get ready for the newest blockbuster film: RISE OF THE SUPERS. From a distant planet far, far away, the Supers have arrived on Planet Earth to wreak havoc on its citizens. Infecting ordinary people with the deadly S-virus. Now, with Super-infected Soldiers running amok on Earth, what will we do to stop them? From the director of TRAPPED: BONER CONFUSION and THE HUMAN CENTIPEDE, this action blockbuster is sure to be a SUPER good time!

What exactly is a non-fungible token? It's like the deed to a digital item. There's just one problem. IT'S DIGITAL. It already exists! For free, even! SO what if you've got the deed to it? It entitles you to nothing. It's not like an original DaVinci painting you can hang in your house. It's not the only copy of an unreleased Wu-Tang Clan album. It's not the master film reel to Rhinestone. It means nothing, yet these crypto blockchain idiots are spending millions of dollars on tweets. TWEETS. PUBLICLY AVAILABLE TWEETS!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 223 - Flamethrowers and Skateboards

Check out the video version of the episode! 

Have you missed out on the last 222 episodes of HWIDG? Well, congrats! Because this is our big recap episode! That's right, we're recapping every past issue we've had so you can get caught up in time for the big finale next week! Oh and you devoted listeners? You'll still have to tune in for the new issues this week that we've interspersed throughout the 39 hour episode! So call your boss and tell him you've got the runs, because for the next 39 hours you're going to go through THE GAUNTLET and:

- Mac Obfuscation
- Snow Removal
- Action v. Emotion
- GM Ultima

There's a certain level of wizardry when it comes to computers. Zeroes and ones caused by electrons run through a bunch of metals? The user doesn't need to see that far down. All code actively running? That's overload. But when it comes to Macs, I think what they know that their $2500 laptops are used as Facebook machines or class notebooks, so they design for that. You don't need to see any of this dumb computer junk, just click the colorful picture that takes you to Facebook.

What's the easiest way to get rid of snow? Shoveling? Tiresome by hand, annoying by truck. Blowing? You're just making it not your problem. Melting? Then you've got water and if it's cold enough to snow it'll freeze. So what do we do? Here's an idea: nothing. Federal snow days. No one does anything. Stay home and enjoy it instead of just making it worse for everyone. 

Actions are logical. Emotions can be illogical but you can get to one from an action. Unfortunately it seems like a lot of media these days focus on the emotions without taking into account logical actions to cause them. I can't feel sad just because you show me a picture of a sad person. Put me through some trauma. Then I'll think about grabbing the Cherry Garcia.

The GM Ultima is a skateboard. It's a big-ass skateboard with a battery, but it's a skateboard. Supposedly you can put a sports car top on it or a big jacked-up truck and everything in between. So at what point do you not have a car? Because I think this is past that point. You have an electric skateboard with seats, congratulations. I'll be impressed once you can do a 900° Christ Air into a sick tail pipe grind.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 222 - The Two Hundred Twenty-Second One

Welcome back HWIDGets to this week's episode of HWIDG where we're trying video again. Available to all Patreon Supporters! This week we're talking about.

Catching the Tail End
Bitter Cold
Liars Using Stats
Sharknados

Nothing is worse than finding something new to you, only to learn that it's almost over. Be it a TV show, a new brand of food, or catching the last 20 minutes of a movie. Maybe you can get more, but it will never be fresh and new again, much like Harry Plinkett's Wife.

As someone who prefers the cold months to the hot months, I gotta say this was about as cold as I could ever take it. When you live in a climate that gets it a lot I know you get used to it, but here in the south we're not used to this sub zero life style.

Look at these new stats, new cases are down 60% did two masks cure it? Nope they just changed the way we count. So instead of counting by 10s we're counting by decimal points. What a scam. They use certain types of language to keep us afraid and milking us for more BS.

How did this get made? 6 movies where sharks get sucked into Tornados and destroying cities all over the world. None of them are even passably good. No effort went in, all to be meme material. How embarassing.

All that and more on this week's episode of HWIDG. Be sure to join us on the DISCORD for chatting a movie nights. Support the show on PATREON, or by BUYING A SHIRT. 

Episode 221 - Walking on Water (ft. Crippled Jesus)

Well, they finally did it. Nuclear winter is here. Prolonged subzero temperatures, massive snowfall, rolling blackouts, and rationed milk sandwiches. But HWIDG will not let some frozen water stop us! We've each got three pairs of socks on and have filled the studio with a dozen space heaters! And with Tab's endless supply of whiskey we'll keep warm until the ghouls break in. So join us as we keep our minds off the frostbite setting in by discussing:

- Not Letting Go
- Poorly Constructed Legal Arguments
- Higher Than Normal

Orange man is here to stay. Like a clingy partner, his haters have so propped him on a pedestal of villainy that he's "more important now than ever". He's an old man. For the love of god, just let him retire back to his golf club. That's all he wants to do. If you would stop giving him attention, he'd go away! But then, what would you write about? How many naps Joe takes every day? What temperature he likes his coffee at?

Generally speaking, the common person has little to no understanding of law. Sure, things like murder and stealing are illegal and everyone knows that, but through media people get a warped sense of the law. For instance, when you go to jail you get one phone call so you better make it count! That's not a law. Or "I can say literally anything I want at any time, because of the First Amendment". You'd think that such a starch defender of the First Amendment would have bothered to read it at all. All this to say, good luck on a quick and speedy trial, Crippled Jesus. Remember: punitive damages.

We can accept that due to unforeseen circumstances, certain things might be delayed. But on the other hand, we expect a return to normalcy in a timely manner. So when it's been 11 months since the country started going into lockdown and you're still having a "higher than normal" call volume or number of orders, you'd think that you could, I don't know, fix that? If you used the increase in profits you're getting to higher more people you could be back to normal in no time!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 220 - Shop Class

Welcome to your first day at HWIDG High, freshies! Rule number one: no running in the halls! That's what the provided rocket skates are for. Rule number two: there will be ABSOLUTELY no math of any kind done on this premises, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! If I catch just one of you little snots adding 2 and 2 or multiplying 67 by 13, it's automatic detention! For all of you! Rule number three: Handlebreaking 101 is canceled today because no one can get into the room. Rule number four: finish your whiskey at lunch! We paid a lot to be sponsored by Jim Bean, and dammit you're gonna drink that swill! Alright, get to class!

- The Kiss of Death
- Justin Trudeau
- Canada
- Death of the G.E.D.

Some people are like King Midas, everything they touch is great. There are very few of these people ever. Probably 0.1% of all creators. 99.8% of people fall behind them in the good to bad ratio. Then there's the other 0.1%. These are your Abrams', Burtons, and Kurtzmans. Everything they touch gets a death sentence. YET. YET SOMEHOW THEY KEEP GETTING WORK. They destroy franchise after franchise but Hollywood has an unlimited pile of things to ruin, so I guess it's alright to just let them keep destroying your childhoods.

Justin Trudeau makes Candian hockey moms all hot and bothered. That's all I can tell you about the man. So what does that say about his accomplishments?

Blame Canada. South Park was right all those years ago. You know that weird cousin at the family reunion that everyone else loves and says is so sweet? But you caught them smoking crystal behind the Wal-Mart 2 years ago? And he keeps talking about moving down south and staying with you, but at the same time trash talks you every  chance he gets? Yeah, that's Canada.

High school students definitely need to be studying college-level physics, literature, and calculus, right? That's what they told me. The AP program will help you get ready for college! It helps you get ready for the classes, but what it doesn't do is help you understand your loans or how debt works. Or how to cook for yourself when the campus cafe is closed at night and the only place open is a McDonalds that is too far in walking distance, and your car's broken down. It won't teach you how to fix said car on your own when you can. And it definitely won't teach you how to make something you can be proud of other than a flimsy piece of paper that costs you $80,000.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 219 - AMC 401K

SELL, SELL, SELL! It's time to sell all your shares in all companies you have shares in and BUY, BUY, BUY the brand new stock HWDG. This mysterious company that just went public is HOT, HOT, HOT today and could be the next Red Lobster or Lowe's! No one knows exactly what they do yet, but we CAN tell you that they promise that for every share you buy they will donate one perfectly cooked medium-rare steak to two lucky men chosen completely by lottery. This just in: the owners of HWDG have just stated that their goal for the next 5 years is to completely eradicate:

- Computerized Everything
- Being Against WSB
- Ruinous Characters
- "Addressing the Problem"

Everything what got computers in them these days. The problem? We haven't even got pain ol' computers right yet. If you can't get Norton Antivirus to stop pinging every time you boot up League of Legends, how are you going to rely on your self-driving Tesla to brake in time to avoid a collision?

Hedge fund bankers. Those are the real heroes of 2021. Those brave soldiers that sit in A/C cooled, swanky offices betting on whether or not your favorite company should live or die while getting a hummer from their third secretary this year and shooting a money gun full of your literal hard owned money into a kiddie pool where two large Russian women wrestle in chocolate pudding. We should care about these people immensely, and no harm should come to them even though the government breaks its back to help them three times over anytime they screw up. Please Daddy Wall Street, I just need a little bit of that insider trading!

Imagine if you hype up a show or movie so much to your friend that they finally give in and check it out and the first thing they hear is some asshole yelling for "Hello" for 35 seconds. Sometimes there are these characters so annoying and pathetic that it's a testament to the entire rest of the show that it doesn't just crumble under the weight of the like of Wesley Crusher's huge ego and Deanna Troi's pile of aborted alien babies.

Look, we here at HWIDG acknowledge and apologize for the mistakes in this week's episode and promise to have them fixed by this time next year. Step 1A subsections 1 through 9 are currently planned to be put into effect as soon as July, barring any unforseen consequences. For any questions or concerns, please go screw yourself.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 218 - 35 Second Hello

Hellooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

- Used Item Decency
- The Repair Hole
- r/MandelaEffect
- DRM

Ever seen an episode of Hoarders? It's nasty. People living in muck and filth, with bugs everywhere and god forbid if they have pets. Every episode they finally get to a point where the hoarder lets their family finally get a bunch of crap out of their house. Now, the show usually says they get sent to the dump, but that's another classic Hollywood lie. They actually get sent back to the production office and get put on eBay and Craigslist sight unseen at just below MSRP.

Sticky door? Get some WD-40 for it. But when you go to get the WD-40, the shelf it's on is a little loose. No matter, a quick new L-bracket job will fix that up. Now where did you put those brackets? This drawer? That drawer? Yes! Wait a minute, there's mouse droppings back here. Better go grab some traps then. No bait, though. Well, I'll go grab some cheese from the store. Great! Car won't start. Well, let's pop the hood. What could it be? Hmmmm. Alternator maybe? Nope, it's the battery. Must've left the headlights on all night. Well, you'll call an Uber and get a ride to AutoZone. You bring up the Uber app on your phone, but your phone freezes. Restart it. 1% Charge. Well great. I guess you'll just live life like this now. Congratulations, you're a luddite minimalist.

Ah, the Mandela Effect. A sociological wonder where childhood memories lead to parallel universes! And where does one go to research and discuss this phenomenon with other like-minded individuals? Well it's not the subreddit for it, because that place is filled with trolls and the dumbest people on earth that think every little discrepancy in media is PROOF OF PARALLEL DIMENSIONS. That's right, you remembering some fake movie with Sinbad a s a genie in the 90s definitely counts as quantum mechanics.

DRM. Dumb Richpeople Messing-with-your-stuff. Gotta slap some proprietary anti-piracy code onto our movie or game because we don't want to lose all this money from pirates! Wah wah wah. Piracy is a two-factor system: ease-of-use and relative cost. First, how easy is [Piece of Media] to obtain? Because if the user has to jump through a bunch of hoops to get something, pirates have their back, making it so easy a toddler could do it. So, even before price comes into it, you've possibly hampered your own sales. Then, how much are you willing to pay for [Piece of Media]? Is it exorbitantly expensive? Is it packed in with a bunch of stuff I don't want that I can't get rid of? Then there's the righteous third branch of piracy: the league of "We Stripped the DRM Out of this Game Because It Caused FPS Drops."

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 217 - 8K Argonian Dongs

January 20th of 2021 will be a day in history remembered for hundreds of years. It will be known as the day that hope triumphed over darkness and evil. For too long have we waited for such a man to guide us through these dangerous times. On Wednesday he awoke, just like any of us. He was just a man, but he went to sleep that night as a hero. It was around noon when it happened. Our soon-to-be-hero entered the place of ceremony and awaited his chance. He swore an oath that he would complete his task to the best of his ability, lest he be disgraced. And in just a few minutes, it was done. Tab Birt had conquered the 135oz. Ribeye King challenge at Big Daddy's Steakhouse and Cheese Emporium. History had been made. Hope has been restored to the nation.

- Freedom From Discussion
- Miniscule News
- Moral Superiority
- The Dark Age of PC Ports

I can't play at this casino? Fine, I'll make my own casino, with blackjack and hookers! Wait, why are you denying my permit to build a casino? Well, fine i'll just play in my own home. Wait, the bank is foreclosing on me? Well, now I'm homeless, guess I'll join a roving gang of hobos. What do you mean I can't be part of the soup kitchen orgy?

They finally did it. They figured out how to get nerds their own version of tabloid news. Every single little whisper of a rumor of casting or plot to these superhero movies gets its own big headline these days. "MCU rumor mill points to new change for Incredible Hulk! A leak from VFX company RBTI shows that the mean green guy's iconic purple pants are now a slightly more maroon color. What could this mean going forward for the MCU? Tune in next week!"

It don't care if I lose, as long as I get my word in. I'll fight you tooth and nail! As long as it's a proper duel at twenty paces at high noon. Because that's how it's supposed to be done! OW! He sucker-punched me! He's cheating! No, don't take ME to jail! Well, great I lost and now I'm in trouble, but at least I didn't stoop to HIS level! What was that? Yes, sir, I'll bend over right away.

We take certain things in life for granted. Once technology reaches a certain level of comfort that is ingrained into the basics, the troubles and hurdles we fought to get there is soon forgotten. Most people don't think of their automatic transmission, and now with smart cars that can drive themselves, soon we'll forget about steering wheels. The way I've forgotten that on the Xbox 360 which was a modern console less than 10 years ago, can't delete more than one thing at a time.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 216 - Secretly Gay for Kevin Costner

ATTENTION ALL RED-BLOODED AMERICANS: BE ON THE LOOKOUT FOR RESISTANCE LEADER CODENAME: UNCLE BUCK. HE IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS AND DRIVES A FORKLIFT OUTFITTED WITH FULLY AUTOMATIC .50 CALIBER MACHINE GUNS. HE IS WANTED FOR CRIMES COMITTED ON JANUARY 6TH INCLUDING: ASSAULT, BATTERY, 2ND DEGREE MURDER, PUBLIC NUDITY, ILLEGAL WHALING, AND FORCIBLE SODOMY WITH A LIVE PYTHON. IF YOU SEE THIS HEINOUS CRIMINAL IMMEDIATELY CONTACT YOUR LOCAL AUTHORITIES AND DO NOT LOOK HIM IN THE FACE.

- Hiking 5.4 Miles
- Politics Injection
- Redditors

Welcome to Hiking Talk with your host Tab Birt! Today's episode deals with how to handle a long uphill walk to a picnic or other similar gathering. Firstly, you're going to need a solid pair of boots. Having them be waterproof and steel-toed is very important so that your macaroni salad doesn't seep through. For your own feet, just wear a flimsy pair of flip-flops. Next, you're going to need some very solid, used sole inserts to serve your deviled eggs on. Don't forget to bring a shade umbrella so you can really relax with your friends.

Everything is political, right? Your toothpaste? The episode of Spongebob your kid is watching right now? The philly cheesesteak you had for lunch? Sure you could make huge logical stretches and lean on technicalities, but you can do that with everything! Why should I care if the keyboard player for my favorite progressive death metal band is a communist? Does it impact his playing? No. Unless he starts writing lyrics about how he wants to give Karl Marx a rimjob, I could care less.

Remember reddit? The front page of the internet! Customizable and curatable to a great degree, back in the day you could read some great horror on r/nosleep or LOL at the narwhal memes with everyone else on r/funny. But then the owners started a curating of their own, banning any sub that they deemed wrong and they whittled it down from a 4chan lite to just a bunch of niche forums.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 215 - New Beanginnings

Good morning HWIDG-ers! It's a new year, a new day, and a new country apparently! Welcome to Neo-USA! They've really shaken things up with this time, so let's go down a list of some of the changes you can expect. North Dakota, South Dakota, Montana, Wyoming, and Idaho are now one big state called Farmville. Kansas has been renamed North Oklahoma, Texas has been renamed South Oklahoma, and Arkansas has been converted into an Arkansas shaped pit of spikes where we throw dissidents. California has been broken up into several states including Movietown, Vans Buren, and Animalstylington. Washington and Oregon will now be known as Upper and Lower Patchoulistank, respectively. Finally, Canada has become New Maine as Maine was devoured yet again by a Stephen King space monster. There are plenty of local changes as well, so be sure to look out for any pamphlets detailing those in your area, and remember, don't break curfew or the robots will yell at you for:

- Being a Dick to your Kids
- Not Doing Your Homework
- Moving Out

This one is actually a Do-Get, because apparently we don't care anymore! Is Uncle Buck secretly a Bean Dad? Or is he just your classic 1950's sitcom role model? As a father, you're supposed to teach your kids what your father taught you with a belt. Whether or not you use your own belt is a choice every father has to make. Do you perpetuate the cycle of dad-violence? Or do you rise up and be a better man and instead scar them emotionally? You might just be surprised which one Buck chooses.

Sometimes you just stumble onto things. Maybe you overhear some big secret your neighbor's wife is hiding from him. Maybe you catch a glimpse of an email at work you definitely weren't supposed to see. You are then left with the decision of breaking hard news or not. Do you let it boil inside you as you watch the trainwreck from the side of the road? Or do you try to intervene, knowing full well you're putting yourself in the crosshairs as well? Tab and Tim may never be the same again......

Moving sucks. But generally in life you move up, or at least laterally. Taking a new job accross the country is a hassle, but you're probably moving into a similarly sized place. Moving from one apartment to the next? Same deal. Moving to a studio apartment after your wife divorces you after you catch her cheating and she gets to keep the house that you paid for? That's gonna suck. No one is moving out without additional pain.

All this and more including Buck getting raptured, live ! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 214 - Four Batmens

This is it, the last HWIDG episode from 2020. Surely from now on we wont have anything to be angry about, right? Our arbitrary calendar system definitely puts a hard stop on the government screwing you over, companies being greedy, and people generally being stupid. So throw away those riot shields that have 2021 stamped on them, because nothing bad could happen once the frigid cold of January rolls around and 8 million people have lost their homes-oh. Uh, well... look forward to the actual Hunger Games, folks!

- Traveler's Tales
- DC Film Multiverse
- The Slide Into Degeneracy
- A Lack of Archival

Like Call of Duty and Sports games, you can always count on the Lego games to have the smallest of changes and a new coat of paint every entry. Yet, like an idiot Tab keeps buying them. He swears he wont buy Lego Star Trek once it rolls around but we know better. He'll finally join the ranks of shut-ins everywhere, spending hours perfecting his three-way Crusher-Worf-Troi lovechild.

DC. You keep on shooting yourself in the foot. Trying to build a vast cinematic universe like Marvel, but putting in none of the work. NOT THAT YOU HAVE TO. YOU HAVE BATMAN. AND SUPERMAN. Sure, Marvel was all the rage in the 90s and now with the MCU, but they sold off the rights to their biggest heroes and are only now bringing them back in. And now you want to do a weird Multiverse film universe? Just make good movies. Iron Man was no one's favorite superhero. He got one season of a cartoon in the 90s and was most well known as a Marvel vs. Capcom staple. You on the other hand, have Batman. Why you're not making dollars hand over fist with movies that he's in boggles me and my past 12 year old's mind.

"From now on we vow to live a purely wholesome lifestyle. The devil's cabbage and his brew are no longer welcome. We will meet every night to sing the lord's praises. Nonsecular media is BANNED. Our women will wear frocks, gowns, and bonnets, and will show nary an ankle. THESE ARE OUR DEMANDS FOR THE WORLD." This guy is crazy, right? We can all agree to that. But is it any more crazy than "I am NOT a sexual object. Do NOT send me dick pics. I am a QUEEN and right now pictures of my chocolate starfish are 30% off for the Holidays and the whole family is invited!"

No one goes to libraries anymore except weirdos that still read and homeless dudes looking to get their rocks off to this month's National Geographic's Ladies of the Sahara special issue. Museums? You get dragged to them as a kid, and they don't make it cool, so they suck. This and the instant gratification of the internet has led to a lack of options to archive media. Not only that, but it's gone further and now companies and artists are following the Snapchat way and making things like video only available for a limited time. ON THE INTERNET. Am I crazy or does no one else care?

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 213 - Sticky Peppermint Pocket

Ho ho ho. It’s Christmas and Santa has been busy this year. Spreading a non-deadly virus across the planet. Creating a new army of Karens to steal the freedoms from actual human beings. Dropping off new Galaxy S500s to all the “Frontline” nurses to create Tik-Tok dance routines in stunning 4K! Over dosing criminals, and free for all riots across the world. Stealing presidential elections. Through it all though he couldn’t give you $1 to make your life better, but I can hear him on the roof and he’s about to teabag you with his sack full of…

The Desire to See Terrible Things
Rooting for the Empire
Thinking You Can Change Someone’s Mind
Candy Canes

Some people like gross out media. How many people in your life watch that pimple popper MD youtube channel? Why do we need to slow down at the site of an accident? How many times have you been at work and someone gets their hand crushed by a semi truck trailer and you gotta rush out there and look at it? Ok that one is just me, and I only ran out because I was required to make a report on it, and I had to just block it from view with a clipboard otherwise I might have passed out.

Media shapes our culture, and our culture shapes our media, yet somehow we’ve run across a complete oxymoron in that our media constantly portrays the government as stupid or corrupt, and corporations are either evil, or just bafflingly stupid. Yet in this year we’ve completely forgotten about those stories where one man who follows his own conscience saves the day, in favor of the Veep, West Wing, Amazon solution. Where unilateral power is used to subjugate the people, all the while mega corporations stomp out their small time competition to crate a greater stranglehold on the people, and the government, and what’s worse? WE CHEERED! We truly aren’t watching TV, it’s just lights to keep us from burning it all down.

Can we stop arguing? It’s completely meaningless, I’m not reading the huffpo opinion piece you sent me, and I just sent you the most Alex Jones source I could find to predict how quickly you’d jump into smug derision. So why don’t we both just call it quits and admit you’re wrong?

Every season has it’s stand out candy, like the Cadbury Cream Egg, and every season has its terrible candy, like the candy corn. Christmas has the worst of the worst. The Candy Cane. This unreasonably shaped sweet confection isn’t a good enough cany to warrant the hassle. It’s not unique enough to warrant being special. Yet here we are. It’s December so a whole aisle of the Christmas section of your local Walmart is 5,000 different versions of a candy nobody wanted.

All that plus, making up voicemails, Tim’s greatest fan, and why Tab is going to have his feet cutoff from diabetes. If you enjoy the show join us on DISCORD where we hang out quite often. Give us some support on PATREON pledges as little as $1. Or you can swing over to the merch store and BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 212 - Up in the Air

Heads up, this is not a regular episode of HWIDG. As always we appreciate our listeners and fans and you can join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 211 - Garbage

In order to combat the worldwide C-Virus that was unleashed upon the world in 2020, there was only one thing we could do: fight virus with virus. Research started by HWIDG Corp indicated that only a mutated strain of the C-Virus had a chance at defeating the original strain. After a series of breakthrough animal tests by Dr. Tab Birt, human trials began, but something went wrong. The mutated strain reacted quite negatively to the human neural system and the test subjects were turned into slow-moving but deadly mindless monsters. But Dr. Birt would not be stopped. In a last ditch effort he injected the mutated strain into the strongest man he knew. Thus was born the T-Virus, housed in the body of his former best friend, now a hulking, intelligent bioweapon. The only thing that could stop this hideous monster was:

- Why There Isn't a John Wick Game
- A Ticking Clock Over Your Head
- Pandemic Bell Ringers
- Trimming the Tree

It's obvious, don't you think? The ultimate action movie badass. Guns, kung-fu, driving, bosses, cool lore, just all the makings for a great game. Yet, we've gotten one attempt so far and it was WAY off-base. Is it coming? Will it ever happen? Only time will tell... wait I'm just remembering they but him in Fortnite, so problem solved! That definitely counts!

Deadlines suck, but are necessary for businesses and such. Where they aren't needed are on Netflix telling me that if I don't finish all 9 seasons of The Virginian in 2 weeks I'll be screwed because they're kicking it off to make room for Generic Teen Drama #372. You put that deadline on me and force me to choose? I'll always choose to just leave.

It's 2020, people. We've already got robotic sign spinners, don't we? How hard is it to put a pair of bells on the same contraption? I feel a lot less hate towards the robot begging me for money in 2020 of all years with our government telling us you can't go out and can't go to work, but senator Johnson can collect a way-too-much paycheck while blocking every bill that would give us peons a modicum of relief all while doing some insider trading.

Trees should stay outside. Some idiot pagan probably thought his druid wife's soul was passed on into her favorite tree, so he cut it down and dressed it up ( and probably drilled a couple holes into the trunk, if you know what I mean), and now, 1000 years later, every year we get a bunch of green plastic in the shape of a tree and cover it in lights and tinsel and little mementos of your childhood. And I can't stand it. It needs to all go away, preferably into a fire.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 210 - Conquered (ft. Uncle Buck)

Welcome back fans to another Uncle Buck episode of HWIDG. Tim is Dead, long live the Buck! This week we're a little less fired up and talking about these issues.

* Sh!tty Tools
* Indigenous People's
* What do you want for Christmas
* The Expendable Franchise

Buy a tool, buy it once, that's the way I live. Every now and again though you buy some piece of crap tool that you just sort of make do with until it breaks, and then you're just stuck either waiting for a replacement, or you've bungled the project so badly that it's time to start over. Yet you've only got $40 so you might as well just buy that same tool again because hey it lasted a year, and how long is the real deal gonna really last. Then boom, you've got a cutting wheel right to the eye and you're blind now.

How long must we suffer the sins of the father? How many other conquered nations get to whine and complain about how their culture was taken over by foreign invaders. In China they erase as completely as possible the history of the previous dynasty. I understand why, otherwise they have to be told about how there are systemic problems because people that weren't even their ancestors did bad things. How long are you going to sit there and complain without saying thank you? Are you driving a car? Or are you still stuck in the stone age? That's what I thought, shut the eff up.

Why do people always need to give input on a gift? Just buy something. Am I really so fragile that you think the wrong gift will send me into a fit of rage, or spiraling into a depression? I'd rather get nothing than spend the currency of time it takes to answer 400 questions and then not get the thing I wanted anyway. Please, just leave me alone. If you find something you think I'll like get it, if you don't I really won't let my feelings be hurt.

In 2009 Stallone had a dream. "What if we got a bunch of washed up muscle men to make a big dumb action movie." It was genius and it went on to win an academy award for ass kicking. Then he made a second one, and it was a boring slog bookended by forgettable action scenes. Then he flew too close to the sun. He made a third movie, also boring, but this time instead of muscle men, he picked the who's who of nobodies, and he made it PG-13. Then he started talking about making an all woman version of the movies, and here we are 10 years later. We have 3 movies with incomprehensible plots and someday we're going to have to explain to our children why we own it on DVD, Blu-Ray, and 4K UHD Blu-Ray.

All of that plus updates on the Dinosaurs, where the #MeToo money went, what TV show I watched too much of, and much more in this very Buckled episode. Leave us a voicemail and yell at Tim for his absences. Then visit us on the Discord, support the show on Patreon, or go BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 209 - Big Finish? (ft. Uncle Buck)

All Points Bulletin: Wanted, one Peruvian Podcast host last seen in year 4 of HWIDG. He is known to like Anime, Fighting Games, Breaking Handles, and frequently trying to barter for goods and services with VHS copies of Rhinestone. He should be considered armed and extremely dangerous, and will likely be babbling about.

The Pity Card
Playdates
All the Evil stuff Trump has done
Mandatory Political Symbols

Anytime you get into a discussion if a person doesn't have the qualifications for what they are talking about they usually have some lousy sob story of why their opinion is worth more than yours. Why can't we start doing to opposite? "As a man without any mental illness, a full time job, and a tax payer." instead of, "As the wife of an infantryman, and mother of 5 kids, who's been out of work for 3 years due to disability, blah blah blah." Nobody cares, especially not on the internet.

Ah the good ol' days when you just told your kids to go play outside, or you'd ride your bike half a mile to your friend's house and knock on the door. No there wasn't enough "me time" for Mom's so we invented playdates. Now women can get all their fun of scheduling and planning an event for something as simple as, "Go play outside." Worst of all, they set it up so the kids can play at the house with Dad, while the Mom's go run "errands." Thanks for that honey, I can't wait to hear the door slam 400 times this afternoon.

In 2016 Sauron came to Hufflepuff, and stole the infinity gauntlet, snapping all of the Jedi out of existence. We had nothing until Disney Princess Harris, and Batman Biden used the power of Doc Brown's Delorean powered by the Spengler Proton Pack to undo the timeline and restore peace and prosperity to the universe. My best friend was all of the goonies, my girlfriend was the female gremlin from Gremlins 2. Seriously, why hasn't the world ended from Evil Trump?

There is an episode of Seinfeld about the AIDS walk. Kramer doesn't want to wear the ribbon but he supports the walk. The people at the walk can't accept it and want total conformity. The point of the story was to show how fanaticism is worse than the problem. Now people use that same image as a meme, and the point is for you to conform, conform or die. "Give me liberty, or give me Death." - Patrick Henry.

All that and more on this week's big Buck Hunter HD episode of HWIDG. Leave us a voicemail and tell us what Tim's punishment should be for letting Greybush down. Vist the Patreon, join us on Discord, or support the show BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 208 - Four More Years

Thank you for coming to your podcast's assessment meeting today. So, Here's What I Don't Get is doing pretty well all things considered. He turns in his episodes on time just about every week. He's raging at an above average level compared to his peers, which is really nice. He's doing really well in geography, really diversifying his news stories, it's great to see. And his voicemails have gotten much better since he started the SPITE program. So, really everything is looking great and he looks all ready for Kindergarten next year. We'll see you in a year then.

- Mixing Metric and Imperial
- Bicyclists
- Low Res UI
- Buying Consoles Day One

Metric measurements and imperial go together like sushi and a Wendy's frosty. You gotta choose one and stick with it, preferably choosing it depending on where someone's going to use it. Americans can't tell you how big 350mm is roughly, but they sure can tell 5 and a half feet at a glance, plus, smaller increments are much easier to visualize, so because we use a base-12 system, we've got more increments to use. 20 foot tall fence? That's 240 inches or 6.66 yards. Whereas in metric you've got jumps by the hundreds, that fence is either 365cm, 3.65m, or 0.00365km tall. And don't get me started on the argument that "feet" are a random thing to use to measure when you've got "stone".

Bicyclists make up 0.001% of the total U.S. traffic numbers. But here we are, making whole lanes of traffic for them, EQUAL TO THE NUMBER OF LANES FOR CARS. YOU KNOW, THE BIG OLD FOUR THOUSAND POUND MACHINES THAT GO FAST AND WHATNOT. You're literally better off riding a horse. Bikes at their best generate less than one horsepower. Imaging passing a horse by itself, no rider on the street. His dumb Mister Ed-lookin' ass going along with traffic with everyone else. Can you? Because I can. You know what I can't imagine? A bicyclist not being an insufferable moron on the road.

What good is your 4K HDR 7.2 sound system when the thing that's playing it has the resolution of a Game Boy Color? BE MORE STINGY WITH YOUR PIXELS. I NEED THOSE CRISPY 4K LINES OR I'M GOING TO HAVE BUYER'S REMORSE. I'M LITERALLY GOING TO KILL MYSELF AMAZON. YOU WILL HAVE BLOOD ON YOUR HANDS. I MEAN, ONE MORE THAN USUAL.

Suckers. They come in all flavors. Watermelon, caramel apple, butterscotch, buttered popcorn, blueberry, cherry, coconut, grape, and you idiots that buy consoles on day one. Thanks for paying way more to beta test my games you FOMO-filled genius. Have fun when you get whatever the PS5's version of the YLOD or red ring is. When your Xbox Series X starts smoking for real, don't come crying to me, I'm waiting til they're dirt cheap and there's all the games I could want.  "But, reasonable one," you say, "I get the privilege of paying seventy dollars for all these great games as they come out, then waiting for the next one, playing 10 hours, then waiting for 6 months, then playing  10 hours, then waiting again." Oh you sweet, sweet, summer child.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 207 - Time-Traveling Hitler

Ever had back pain? It's real dumb. Why human have soft outside but hard inside? Isn't that backwards? Why God? Why soft, easy-to-hurt jelly protects hard, strong bone? I want an exoskeleton please. I think at some point we evolved with bone to protect our squishy brains AND THEN WE WENT EVEN FURTHER. WHY? Another layer of squishy organs to protect? How about we protect it with more squishy flesh? And then WE STOPPED? We need the next phase, exoskeletons, so that we're basically human mecha. Sweet. Anyways, here's this weeks episode which remember nothing of other than PAIIIIN:

- Kung Fury
- Fast Food Workers
- Remember, This Isn't Over
- Making Math Suck

Here's a great idea: HWIDG The Movie! You give us a million dollars and we'll shart out 75 minutes of next week's episode filmed all cinematic-like. Deal? It'll be just like the podcast but in movie form! It's all the rage these days. You spend a little time making something for cheap, and then you use it as proof of concept and the internet gives you all of their money! All we have to do is a slightly more amount of work, pretend its a big ordeal, and maybe spit out some merch with our logo on it for bonus items. I think it really works out well for everyone. You get a movie (you never agreed to any sort of quality) and Tab and Tim get to split a million bucks. Sorry Todd.

How many times have you been missing a burger from your order? Or been given a different drink than what you asked for? Have whole meals left off of your order? Been given a cold pizza? Been given a box of fried chicken livers when you ordered sushi? I'm going to go out on a limb and say just about everyone who has ordered fast food before has had something like this happen to them. It's a worldly issue. But why? Sheer volume? Maybe, but this has happened to me when I'm the only customer around. Honestly, it's because they're working at a fast food joint. Look, no one went into life dreaming of being a fast food employee, but it's a huge business that needs lots of bodies. Even if we paid fast food workers 25 dollars an hour, you'd still have the same lack of care go into your double bacon cheeseburger and onion rings.

Ever vigilant. Today, if you want to stand for a cause you have to fight. And fight. And fight. And fight some more because the battle's never over! Hey, how about we stop treating politics like war? I don't want to be a soldier. If I did, I'd be one. And I definitely don't want to be a soldier for a party that lines up with my own beliefs only slightly more than the other one's. No one will ever be completely happy with the government, so stop trying to "win" and start trying to just live your life.

Remember math? I sure do. At my school, if you were slightly better at learning than the kid that still sucked his thumb, they put you in the Gifted Class. I was learning long division and what googolplex was in the second grade in the gifted class. Here's the deal though, just because you're good at something, doesn't mean you like it. And I don't like math. Why? Because they shove it down your throat every year for 12+ years. Sure, at some point I wanted to be an astronaut, just like everyone else, but they never said if you want to go to space, you'll need to learn this math. They said BECAUSE I SAID SO. 

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 206 - Russian Jimmy Dean

Check out this week’s clip, Lower Decks-pectations Episode 5 - The Final Chapter!

Welcome citizens of the former United States of America. Now that your 2020 election has come to an end, I am proud to have been elected to the throne of Supreme Overlord. There will be no further elections, as I will make all decisions for this country from now on. As your Supreme Overlord, I, The Handlebreaker promise that as I shift this land from 50 divided states into one giant kingdom, I will do so with you in mind. As my advisers tell me, the general population is surprisingly a lot like myself, so as my first decree, I am moving Independence Day to June 21 to more accurately represent our interests. 36 years ago, we were freed from the tyranny of not having Rhinestone in our lives. The time has finally come then, to accept our savior, and to rename our country in its honor. Welcome to The United Kingdom of Rhinestone! The White House will be bedazzled in the most glamourous, shining silver! Washington D.C. will officially become Abiegtiddi! All hail Rhinestone!

- Pet Clothes
- Untamed Scale
- Dream People
- Decline of Slasher Films

Putting clothes and outfits and costumes on your pets is not "cute". It's frankly, degrading. Dogs and cats have no awareness of the concept of clothes or modesty, and they certainly don't need them for survival against the weather. Imagine someone forcing an ill-fitting fur suit on you. Wouldn't like it very much, would you?

Some people in life are granted with 20/20 vision, and others need the help of contacts or glasses. Then there are others that apparently have 2000/20 vision. These people can envision the futures they see in their minds and unfortunately have no ability to control it. That's how you end up with the Cheesecake Factory. "We'll make great cheesecakes and sell them!" "That's a great idea, here's your business loan." "Oh, I also want to be a restaurant, but not just for cheesecakes, but for American, Chinese, Italian, Thai, Japanese, Mediterranean, German, Mexican, British, French, Jamaican, Spanish, and Vegans! Also, we'll serve alcohol and cocktails, and have breakfast and brunch too! Oh and we'll give the customers too much food every time!"

The human brain is an amazing thing. Confusing, though. We still don't know what dreams really are. We know they can haunt you, please you, and everything in between. They can also create vividly realistic scenarios and people. The kinds of dreams that can make an atheist believe in past lives and connected consciousness. Hell, there was a Rick and Morty bit about this. Morty plays a super realistic alien video game called Roy where he lives a separate man's mundane life. It's spooky stuff. I'd recommend "The Lamp Story" on reddit for the example I couldn't think of during the show.

It's not there aren't any slasher films around anymore, just that they're different. Every now and then an independent hit or meta flick will come along and gain some steam, but it's not like the 80's and 90's anymore. Back when you had 17 movies just in the 80s just between Halloween, Friday the 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street. That's at least one a year and more likely 2 a year from the big three horror icons. Throw in other well known names and B-level shlock you're seeing 3-5 new movies of extreme violence, gore, and nudity a year. Why aren't the modern slashers living up? They're trying to be scary, for one. Sure some of these had some jump scares and suspense, but a slasher flick is a subgenre of horror. It's supposed to be about creative kills, a rotating carousel of horny teens to kill, and a near invincible menace. But people these days just want the jump scares it seems.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 205 - Castration Cannibals

This is it folks! It's finally come time for Halloween night, and we here at HWIDG would like to wish everyone a very Happy Halloween. Whether you're going out door to door, handing out candy at your house, going to a party, sitting at home watching horror movies, or nothing at all, we hope Samhain treats you well. Just watch out for razorblades in your candy, D-tier candy, and that sexy "catgirl". All three will lead to you ending the night with something gushing out of your mouth.

* Non-Candy Halloween Treats
* Non-Secular Media
* Standing Alone
* New Unsolved Mysteries

Imagine if there was a completely optional holiday during the year where it was perfectly fine for your neighbor to haul their garbage bin over to your house and tip it over on to your lawn. That would be a pretty terrible day wouldn't it? What if that day was the same day as another holiday where all the other neighbors had already placed a bunch of presents, just for you, on the lawn? It would make that first neighbor a huge asshole wouldn't it? NO ONE WANTS YOUR VEGETABLES, KAREN.

Man, all of these mainstream secular movies and bands are filled with sin and degeneracy. But my tween wants to start watching something other than Bibleman and VeggieTales and listen to something other than Pastor Dave's Campfire Hymns, what is a rich hardcore evangelical man to do? I know! I'll just make terrible low budget copies of what is popular, but make everything about Jesus! Brilliant!

Going against the grain can be difficult. When you're the only one doing it, even more so.  You've got to be of pretty strong character and conviction to be the one against everyone else. No one wants to be the one going against what's popular. We all like to think that we would, but when it comes time to put the foot to the pedal, it's easier to wait around with everyone else and see what happens. But if you were that person you could write a book about how hard it is. Call it "My Struggle".

What's wrong with the new Unsolved Mysteries? Well, first of all, the theme is skippable. Yeah, it's a big deal. That original theme is a phat-ass beat you could spit a sick sixteen over. The drums are a VITAL piece of the equation, just as much as the melody synths and the deep "BWAM" bass synth. The new one is all "cinematically haunting" and by-the-books. Lame. Oh also there's this thing where they don't present all the evidence in the case and you have to rely on fans on Reddit to clue you in. Yeah.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT! And check out this edition of Lower Decks-pectations!