Episode 240 - Beating the Dickens
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As HWIDG's last official episode of June, we'd like to preemptively say this may or may not be the end of the show! It's a gamble, really. Either one of the hosts could die in a heinous bottle rocket accident or get killed by a friend for tossing an M-80 under their car! We might come back next week with the issue "Not Having Ten Fingers Anymore"! So remember listeners, if you're going to play with fireworks this Fourth, film it just in case anything crazy happens, so you can get that sweet internet clout!
- Open Container Laws
- Bad Endings
- Paper Checks
- Beating it Out of You
Why is alcohol bad? Because some old guy in the sky said so. It's true. If you let your kids drink alcohol they'll start doing all kinds of bad stuff, like going to parties where girls exchange oral sex for colorful bracelets, and smoking the devil's lettuce and going to Judas Priest concerts while playing satanic board games. They'll start getting into cars by sliding across the hood and start selling bootleg fireworks in order to fund their expensive Pink Floyd vinyl collections! Alcohol is a terrible evil that can infect up to, get this, FIVE WHOLE PERCENT of a glass of beer! So remember, in the bar, totally legal to walk around with a beer in your hand. During a traffic jam-I mean festival parade downtown, totally legal. Once your big toe goes past that cordoned off section of street though YOU'RE A FELON.
Ah, serialized storytelling. The big draw is tuning in every week to resolve that sweet cliffhanger. Cliffhanger after cliffhanger you watch, read, or listen. If the series gets canceled in the middle? Sure, that sucks. The story will never be finished! But, you can live with the satisfaction that you didn't slog through hundreds of weeks just to get to a terrible ending, because that my friends, is the ultimate bummer. You see a bad movie? No problem, you forget about it, it took 90 minutes of your time. You end your long running premiere TV show with a big ol' dragon dookie? You've got a riot on your hands.
Paper checks are like bingo. As a kid, it's exciting enough, but what you really want is that sweet set of Pokemon stickers that the bingo represents. You get older? Never touch the game. You practically forget it exists. You want nothing to do with it, actually. It's a bunch of hoops to jump through just for some money. Then old age starts setting in, and your hobbies start going away. You can't read as well anymore, you've lost your dexterity, so you go down to the old bingo hall. And suddenly your whole life is bingo and no one can take that away from you, because you're old and we're supposed to respect you or something. What I'm trying to say is I hate paper checks.
Boy, that thing you really like to do? It would be a real shame if we made you do that but with boring things and old things that aren't interesting and only 'popular' because they're old. And we tell you that your version of that thing will never be of any value. And we're going to do that for another ten or so years until you hate doing that thing. Oh also, you're a child! That's right! We're crushing the dreams and wishes of billions of children for laughs! Suck it, nerds.
All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!
