Episode 241 - Microwave Faux Pas
/
This week, the world is still reeling from the incredible happenings at the World Firework Championships. The bronze medal went to veteran Chip Mahoney with an amazing display of simultaneous grilling and fireworking, culminating in a finale where he cleaned up 12 beer cans by flying them via bottle rocket directly into a garbage can. Taking silver this year was newcomer Howard J. Hines with an extensive Harry Potter-themed Roman Candle Battle exhibition. But shocking the world in an unforeseen upset was the first place medal winner Tab Birt who produced a spectacle for the ages. A full orchestra, decked in sparklers performed Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture while he timed the song's usual cannon firing to the sound of exploding microwaves. If you weren't there in person, you can now purchase the 2021 World Firework Championship Highlights VHS for only $49.99!
- Won't Someone Think About the Dogs?!
- Freedom Isn't Free
- Invincible Pacing
- Women Using Kids to Stop Fun
Fireworks have been around for over a thousand years. We've had domesticated dogs since long before that, but they've had plenty of time to adapt. The Fouth of July happens every year. It doesn't just sneak up on you like a silent tornado. If you have dogs that you haven't trained to not piss themselves at fireworks, you need to be ready for that weekend. It's called being responsible. Complaining about fireworks is a moot point. You either were prepared and are an asshole that wants to sap fun from everyone else due to your Pekingese, or you're a bad pet owner. Pick one.
Freedom isn't free. But it could be. It could be if we stopped being Earth's Hall Monitor But Also The Kid Who Stirs Shit Up. How about we stop spending billions of dollars a year sending troops to countries that don't want us there because we sent billions in weapons there five years ago and a bunch of zealous assholes got their hands on them. It almost seems like we're that crazy firefighter that goes around setting fires so we can put them out because there's not enough fires and the city is going to shut us down.
I understand that when you take a book and turn it into something else, you gotta change it. Having a movie where you constantly hear the main characters thoughts via narration would be real dumb. The book of a musical? Good luck getting anyone other than trained musicians to read it. But you have to be careful in moving things around or else you can lose fundamental aspects of why something works. Like making Blofeld James Bond's brother, or having Antonio Banderas play an Arabian ambassador, or making a beloved 300 page children's book into three separate three hour snoozefests.
Having children is not a miracle. Billions upon billions have been doing it for the last couple million years. The creation of fire? The wheel? Those are worth celebrating. You fulfilling your biological imperative to bone is not. If you bring your child somewhere unsafe and refuse to leave, that's on you. A kid is crying at a loud concert? Leave. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your kid is not special, you are not special, and acting like you deserve special treatment because you had one only makes me feel like a really late term abortion is in need. Not for the kid, for you.
All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!
