Episode 303 - The Huell Show

This week on the show Tony from Hack the Movies joins the rotation as a regular co-host. We catch up on some of life's happenings, Tab's new art endeavors, and what movies really suck. More importantly we're talking about.

- Pasta Face
- Breaking Bad News

In a world where you can be cancelled for voicing a minority that you aren't 100% there is one demographic that seems to be completely overlooked for poor representation, Italians. It's odd isn't it, like we want to create representation, but then by that token on those people are allowed to be representative. Starts to feel a lot more like segregation than uplifting content.

Those of us with empathy have a hard time telling people bad news. There are some that can turn it off, or maybe just don't have empathy. For the rest of us there's just the teeth gritting fun of informing someone they have cancer, their wife is cheating on them, and the IRS is at the door you're getting audited. Maybe it's projection of our own fear of inadequacy, or maybe it's the worry that someday someone is going to show up at your house with a gun because you ruined their life.

All that plus we learn why Tab never got the China Virus, what ever happened to those rascals taking shots at Kyle Rittenhouse, and some US Marshalls willing to break bad news at a funeral. Join us next week as Tim gets a chance to come back from hiatus.

Episode 302 - Middling Overdrive

Disclaimer: There was an error with one of the sound devices going into Stream Yard this week and my track is way over driven compared to Buck. It's rough but listenable.

Welcome back to the Band Uncle Buck for this 302nd edition of HWIDG. It's great to have the founders back on board. And this week we're talking about...

Mic Bleed
Uppity Sound Guys

Often times when you jam too many mics into a small space you end up getting the sound one mic is specified for into another mic that's not specified. It's not an issue in live music, but when you go listen to the recordings, boy does it wipe out the clarity compared to an ISO Track. Buck unfortunately learned this the hardway, but fortunately he wasn't dealing with an...

Uppity Sound Guy. In general sound guys are all assholes. They all think they know more than everyone around them because frequently nobody around them wants to do their job. So they make snide remarks about other sound guys gear, when it isn't the label on your road case, it's how good you are a mixing that matters.

All that plus we discuss how to properly respond to a pump and dump scheme, The logistics of taking down a mig with a shotgun, some spicy voicemails, and catching up with Buck. Tune in next week to find out who our new co-host will be. 

Episode 301 - Anustart

The end is only the beginning. Introducing the new and improved HWIDG. With a rotating stable of hos, I mean co-hosts, HWIDG is reborn and the best way to be reborn is to bring back the father... Joel Chaco. This week talking about;

- Fishing
- Mundane Nightmares

It's Friday, you own a pond, and it's time to eat fish. Yet the fish, they mock you. They come to the side of the pond, and run. And here you are fishless and alone. Why? Why did we decide those ugly monsters in the water would be good food?

Being chased by zombies? No problem. Getting eaten by giant women? Kind of hot. Spending 14 hours in a walmart? No please anything but that!!! Why is it that the worst kind of nightmare isn't that which scares us primevally, but the regular every days of life deconstructed by our brains.

All that plus "Operation Rug Pull" catching up with Joel, and finding out, is rural Paraguay internet better than Tim's old internet? Join us next week as another person from the past comes back into the fold.

Episode 300 - The End...

This is it folks! We've hit a massive iceberg and the ship is sinking. Women and children first! Make sure to tip the musicians and don't forget to toss any valuable jewelry into the ocean! You never know when some hack billionaire movie director will want to fill the hole left in his heart where his soul should be on multi-million dollar underwater expeditions to the crash sites of podcasts! If you had a steamy romance and lovingly drew a boudoir portrait of your lover lying on a chaise lounge, put them into you safe so they can have something to remember you by after they push you off of your floating plank even though there was definitely room for both of you.

- Doing Too Much
- Early 2000s Shaky Cam
- Issues
- Male Sexual Assault

Bigger is always better, right? For fireworks, guns, and most explosive things, sure. TV's too I guess. But for a lot of things in life, simpler is better. A lot of times things are artificially inflated in order to make them look and feel bigger to the huddled masses. Because spectacle is easy to understand. Ooh shiny and colors and big! It takes a little more time to appreciate the simpler things.

Remember in the 2000s when movie directors thought that the best way to immerse you into the action of a movie was to hire professional stuntmen, one per moviegoer in the theater, to assault you in time with the action happening on screen? Liam Neeson knees a guy in the stomach, they knee you in the stomach. Liam Neeson takes a gun butt to the temple? So do you. Oh that didn't happen? I sure remember it like it did.

Three hundred episodes is a lot. Most of them with 4 issues per episode. That's a lot of issues. Sometimes life is good to you though and nothing in particular bothers you that week. What is a podcast host to do? You wing it, that's what. Get red for some inside baseball talk, though to be honest that's a bad analogy because baseball doesn't have a lot going for it. Seriously, it's dudes trying to hit a ball, trying to catch a ball, trying to throw a ball right in front of them, or trying to run in a straight line.

Hey dudes, remember, when you head out to the bar for a boy's night, always have a friend to watch your back, ALWAYS keep your drink covered because you never know when an EVIL woman has a roofie in her pocket, and have an escape plan for when some creep lady starts to get too forward with you. Can this advice be helpful to women? Absolutely not. Women don't get assaulted, but if they did, it'd be hilarious!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON while it's up or by BUYING A SHIRT. 'Til next time...

Episode 299 - Plasticistan Live! - Part Two

Boy let me tell you what, if you weren't there to see the fight of the century live and in person, then I can only hope this recording is a fraction of the ferocity that our two combatants had when they stepped into that ring. Thanks to Andy and the Air Compressors for the live music, and thanks to Hank's Auto for the free oil changes and tire repairs during the show. Reminder: Hank's Auto is not liable for any accidents that may have arised from Hank's Brand Patch-Em-Up Value Tires. Until nest time folks!

- Pedophiles
- Plastic Tupperware
- Small Town Cops
- Memory

I'm not writing something for all of these issues! Listen to the dang episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 299 - Plasticistan Live! - Part One

Boy let me tell you what, if you weren't there to see the fight of the century live and in person, then I can only hope this recording is a fraction of the ferocity that our two combatants had when they stepped into that ring. Thanks to Andy and the Air Compressors for the live music, and thanks to Hank's Auto for the free oil changes and tire repairs during the show. Reminder: Hank's Auto is not liable for any accidents that may have arised from Hank's Brand Patch-Em-Up Value Tires. Until nest time folks!

- Wifi Woes
- 4 Guitars, 5 Vocalists and a Harmonica
- Karl's WATP Feed
- Restaurants That Close Early
- GMail Send Button
- No End to Stories

I'm not writing something for all of these issues! Listen to the dang episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 298 - A Voltron of Ghosts

Introducing Here's What I Don't Raft, the only authorized podcast white-water rafting trip on the eastern seaboard. For only $299.99 plus rental costs, you can join the HWIDG crew on the wettest, drunkest ride of your life, aside from that one time in college. Order now and you can secure a guaranteed tip-over by the crew. Order the platinum package for $499.99 and you'll get the official 2023 HWIDR beer koozie and :

- Having Your Cake and Eating It Too
- Zipper Morons
- Not Swinging the Axe
- Luxury Phones

Don't you love greed? The fat kid that hogs all the cake. The guy that cuts the line. The scalper that buys up all the stock to resell. Disney. Meta. All these companies keep buying up little subsidiaries so they grow bigger and make more money than ever, making record breaking profits. And they have the gall to then turn around and make us pay more for their products. And we stand there and take it, like good little altar boys.

We all have zippers. Pants, jackets, bags, our life is filled with them. And they're very simple objects. You look at one and pull it up and down a few times, and ta-da you know how it works. But apparently the world is filled with morons who think zippers are magic. Portals to the dimension of things staying closed. So it's no wonder why they can't be asked to merge lanes in traffic properly in the zipper method. It's either-me-me-me like a loose zipper slider, straight to the front without regard for anyone else, or stuck in place letting everyone else past because their daily affirmation said "do a random act of kindness today".

Horror, like many genres stands to amplify the best and worst of humanity. The zombie survival sub-genre in particular shows the lengths we'll go to to survive. So what happens when the fan-favorite character gets bitten or scratched? The heroes have no time to lose, they've got to chop off the limb in order to stop infection. Then they get a cool blade arm attachment or whatever. In this analogy the infection is a cash-bleeding bad decision project like Batgirl. At least they had the balls to cut it off before it did any damage. 

Remember when you could buy the coolest, hippest phone in the world for 15 bucks? Back in the 90's, 15 smackeroos got you the cutting edge of technology: the see-thru phone. 15 years ago I bought a new slider phone for 20 or 30 bucks. Because they were just the vehicle for service. You can text or call on any phone, they were just hunks of plastic. Then they got smart. Have they gotten even smarter since 2007? A little bit. A tad. But not 3 or four times as much. The original iPhone was 500 bucks. Expensive for sure, but the cutting edge of phone and pocket technology. These days? 500 bucks will get you a solid phone. More than you need, not the top end, but solid. Yet we've got people spending near 2 grand for the same thing but it folds.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 297 - Mr. Ed Steals a Truck

HWIDG Presents: Cool Off! The worlds biggest pool park! Sponsored by PepsiCo. With over 500 acres of Summer fun, Cool Off is the U.S.'s top destination for water-based fun! Featuring two separate 300-foot high water slides, a wave pool with guaranteed "Baby Ruth" floaters, and don't be embarassed about peeing in the pool when you visit the Piss Tub! Or swing on over to our own CIA Blacksite for a good old fashioned public waterboarding! But, for all those adrenaline junkies, forget dolphins, swim with the sharks! Tickets available now for $29.99 for a day pass, or free with the purchase of: 

- Mailers
- Oh Woe Is Me, I'm So Rich
- Furniture Stores
- Appealing to the Dumb

Do you know anyone that reads every piece of mail they receive? Someone that sees any and all ads and seriously ponders them? Surely thee must be people like this. Otherwise why in the world does Literally everyone in the US receive hundreds of pounds of this junk every year? Does everyone need a month's worth of Burger King coupons on the regular? Let those people sign up for that service. I don't need mail service every day. Once a week will do.

Boy it sucks being rich. I've got all this money to buy anything I want, go anywhere I want at the drop of hat, or do anything I want without much pushback. But no one understands my kind of problems. Like, my food doesn't have enough gold on it. Or my personal driver is 30 seconds late! Where could he be! Oh well, fuel up the jet I've got to go to Starbucks or will LITERALLY DIE. They just put in a Fly-Thru, it's the best, but Lenny Kravitz' plane always cuts us off.

Imagine. A store where you could peruse large objects of furniture to buy and move into your abode for comfort! With no employees helicoptering around you trying to get you to buy something twice as much as you want and three times as ugly. And no financing department trying to get you to owe them for 20 years for a chair. What a wonderful world that would be. But alas.

Science is hard. That's why we tend to dumb it down and put it in more layman's terms. The common cold for instance, we understand that and not acute viral nasopharyngitis. I guarantee you most people couldn't put the two together. If people can't even say it, they tend to ignore it. So when people start insisting that "the common cold" is racist against Scandinavians, you've got to think to yourself, why?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 296 - The Levee Breaks

This summer, prepare for a new twist on an old favorite. When his basement floods in a freak superstorm, regular guy Tab is transformed into: The New Aquaman! Goodbye spandex and talking to fish, hello commanding sharks to attack local government and nailing sexy mermaids! From the team that brought you the John Wick series comes a blockbuster that is almost too big for the big screen! Starring Rich Evans as The New Aquaman, Jon Lovitz as the villainous Handlebreaker, and featuring absolutely no ties to the current DC cinematic universe or that hack Zack Snyder. Also staring:

- The Sony Lotto
- The St. Louis Curse
- A Lack of Heat Prep
- Learned Apathy
- Why Are You Still Talking to Me?

If it wasn't enough for video games to get you to gamble on costumes, voice lines, and gun skins, here comes "the supply chain". Now we've got to fill out a Powerball ticket just to get a chance to maybe give billionaires even more money for their hot new console. And the games too, on the other side we've got family-friendly Nintendo making every new Mario game a limited time event. Gotta grab it at release or it'll be gone before you know it!

Something happens when you pass through that big ol' arch in the midwest. Like it was a Lex Luthor super-machine doomsday device that Superman has to foil, it saps the luck from everyone that goes through it, siphoning it to Lex himself so he can be even richer. But this is real life, not the hypothetical Superman V movie. Hell exists and it's not in Michigan, folks. St. Louis: it's where hope goes to die.

Frigid outside? A dusting of snow? Well, kids, you stay home, and everyone else, don't bother coming in! Bundle up, we don't want you getting that nasty frostbite! You know, all those cases of urban-living frostbite! 112°F outside? Hot enough to bake cookies in your car? TOO BAD! Go to your manual labor job! No, we wont give you any water! Kids, you still gotta walk home in the heat. Don't worry about your little heads getting heatstroke, that's not a real thing!

Remember trickle-down economics? That sure worked didn't it? Well, they were on to something. Plenty of things have the ability to trickle down. Including the ability to sit there and dick around when you could be helping. All because it's a little out of your way, or not "technically" in your job description. Hemming and hawing like you're thinking about it when we all know you'd rather sit on your tuchus while people do more in 5 minutes than you do al day for less.

If someone you know quits their job and leaves town and doesn't specifically tell you to keep in touch, or you learn this information second hand. In general, THEY DO NOT WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN. Especially in this day and age where we're still connected with social media, if they don't go out of their way to follow or friend you. They don't care. And this is for personal relationships. Work? Pretend they died.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 295 - Kirk on the Rocks (ft. Jay)

This week's episode is brought to you by the Internet Sloth. Once in a blue moon, he comes out of his hiding place and relocates to the internet connection of a random podcaster. He then spends his days hand delivering each packet of data lovingly, at a speed of approximately 0.0000001 MPH. Thanks Internet Sloth! We reward you with:

- Holding the Joke Too Long
- Star Trek Cocktails
- No Higher Authority
- Yard Signs

Look, here's a joke. It's a little funny. It's not a gut-buster, but a little chuckle. More jokes = more funny though, so what if we pelted you over the head with it over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over! Wouldn't that be funny?

Reese's Peanut Butter Cups are a masterclass in combining things. Two separate things, that while separate are great. But when you combine them, not all willy-nilly, but lovingly and crafted in a way to be delicious, it works. Unlike the cocktails in the Star Trek Cocktails book Tab was recently gifted. I'd personally suggest the "Abrams Shot" which is a .45 ACP to the temple. Garnished with an orange peel.

Internet forum goers are weirdos. Recluses of society that would rather speak L337 than speak to another person. But damn if those nerds aren't good at being the replacement for thick, tomes of manuals that technology used to ship with. They are the modern day Library of Alexandria, solving the problems that the gods left on Earth.

Yard signs are trash. Literal garbage. No one has ever looked at a political candidate's sign and decided to vote for them based on it. No one is that stupid, and if there was someone, you wouldn't want them voting in the first place. So when someone stabs one into your begonias, they might as well have taken their garbage can and dumped it onto your lawn.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 294 - U-Haul, U-Suck

Welcome back to HWIDG, where this week we attempt the show under the craziest conditions yet! We've got flaming hoops, trampolines, canons, and explosions galore! Will you be able to hear us? We don't care! Bring your grandmother, bring your kids, bring your dog, bring the lady you're cheating with, we don't care, just bring them and we'll dazzle them with pyrotechnics, a dancing bear, a dying man's last words, and a monster truck jumping over thirteen busses! If you order the special VIP package we'll even throw in these exclusive issues:

- The Four Corners
- Owning Material Goods
- Talk Backs
- Highway Driving

When a powerful artifact is deemed too powerful, it is split into many and spread throughout the world, or galaxy even, to prevent it from being reformed and wreaking havoc once again. Yet I can't find my limited edition John Cena 2007 Summerslam shirt with the hole in the armpit and the worn-out neck and we only moved across town. I KNOW YOU THREW IT OUT LINDA, DON'T LIE TO ME!

Collecting things is all nice and dandy until you have to move them. Or pay out the ass for hopefully competent movers to do it for you. Paring down your collection can hurt, but you'll thank me when you're back aches a lot less after moving cross-country. Or don't listen to me and move into comically larger and larger dwellings until you're renting out Mars as storage space.

Feedback can be an important part of the creative process. Taking constructive criticism, and your work being seen with a new eye or different point of view can help you see things you may have overlooked or forgotten. Talk Backs are not this. They are free blowies for actors do inflate their already over-inflated egos. The people who are told what to say and how to say it, which is often the same from production to production, yeah, those are the real heroes.

They say life is a highway. If that's true, I guess it's because there's always someone in your way and you constantly have to dodge the detritus of others, lest you get run off the road. Are you stuck in your life? It must be because there's a Wal-Mart delivery truck with a shorn roof because he can't read height warning signs to the right of you and an old lady in a Dodge Durango in front of you who is trying to have a conversation with the trucker so she's matching speed with him and you would very much like to shoot them both.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 293 - I'm My Own Joker

Look! In the sky! It's a bird...no, a plane...no it's THIS WEEK'S EPISODE OF HWIDG AND IT'S HURTLING TOWARDS EARTH AT AN ALARMING BUT VISUALLY COMPREHENSIBLE RATE! The horror! Look, it's splitting off into smaller pieces including:

- Snake Oil
- Arrested Development
- Incomplete Box Sets
- Double Think

Look at this impressive specimen of a human. Large chest, symmetrical features, tall but not freakishly so. You too can be like them for the low, low price of your soul. Join now and we'll throw in a themed beach towel that you can't use because you're too fat to go to the beach, so try these quick, fat-busting energy pills!

There's always money in the banana stand! And where there's money, there's a cornballer fire. Get it? Memes! Anyways, just like the TV show, America is now stuck in a loop of re-runs, getting stupider each time, and more child-like when the episode we hate gets chosen to air this week.

What if a movie were broken up into chunks and they sold it to you piece by piece, then gathered those pieces in an arbitrary amount so you never had the full set. Would you pay for that? Absolutely not, that would be ludicrous! Disney Plus? What's that?

Life is full of paradoxes. Like Schrodinger's cat. It both exists and doesn't exist at the same time. Or Social Media. It's called social media, but in the age of it we are less social than ever. Doublethink is when your brain is a paradox, like "defund the police" and "hello, 911 I need police immediately to my house, someone with brown skin walked too close to my mailbox".

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 292 - Mr. Ed Gets His Pilot's License

This week on HWIDG we've ordered a truckload of beef and we're flinging it right into your faces! But uh-oh what's that? Is it the British Meat Industry? No, it's not, yet somehow, a bunch of horse got lumped in there! Well don't worry because we're serving you that too! Two great tastes that taste great together! Horsebeef!

- ISPs
- Pills
- Pop-Ups
- Being Behind The Curve

In this day and age the internet is a necessity. Like water, or shelter. Even hobos that don't have shelter have CashApp or Venmo! But we've let the giant media conglomerates have it and they got their penny-pinching, greedy, lobbyist-funding paws all over it! They do the absolute minimum amount of work so they can rack up those bucks just to give you the privelage of paying your bills, or answering a work email, or choking your chicken to pics of chicks getting choked. Do you suffer from endometriosis? Well then you should GO TO YOUR DOCTOR. What you shouldn't be doing is watching TV waiting for PharmCorp to sell you their newest pill for it. Can you imagine the audacity of your average Joe going to a medical professional and telling *them* that they think Nexica is right for them? Buddy, the side effects are drowning in your own piss and death. Well, on second thought...

Remember internet and pop-ups? Of course you do. It's not that long ago that thy were a plague of locusts on the world wide web. Then we exterminate them. Because everyone hated them. 20 years later? They're back baby! Like a bad Aliens sequel, popups are back to ruin your life, and in greater numbers than ever before! News sites with paywall pop-ups, anti-ad-blocker popups, Cookies? Please let us bake some cookies in your PC pop-ups, and USE THE APP YOU MOBILE PLEBE pop-ups. And no one cares I guess!

Being ahead/behind the curve originates from bell curve graphs, but you know what, I get the feeling that most people couldn't draw one of those, let alone understand one. So let's make a new explanation. You're driving on a mountainous road. There's a sharp curve ahead, if you're AHEAD of the curve you can see what's coming, but if you're BEHIND the curve you'll plow into the semitruck that you couldn't see even though it was honking it's horn the whole time because you refused to slow down or stop or make any change at all.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 291 - Homeless

Unsatisfying Endings, Fake Movies, Parking, Leaving It Up To The Fans

Episode 290 - Plasma Nails (ft. Ninja Andy)

This week on HWIDG, we get our yearly check up from Doctor Andy! It's weird that his office was in an abandoned building, but hey the parking was free! Now that I mention it, Doctor Andy was a bit weird. His hands were very clammy and his breath smelled like bathtub gin, and he didn't use any lube when he checked our butt. Dentists usually don't do that. Anyways he says we should stick to a healthy diet of:

- Poster Sizes
- Uppity Contractors
- Property Management
- Superglue

You want to frame a nice poster or art piece? You better hope it's a standard size, otherwise you're paying hundreds of bucks for a custom frame job. Or you can be like Tab, he likes his framed posters like Madcucks, slovenly dressed and without a job.

Contractors are like stand-up comics in the 80's. Lazy insulters. "That wall looks like your wife's face, boom!" "Check out the eggshell clashing with the cream in this room, YOWZA!" "Try the veal, I'll be here 'til Thursday, even though I should've been done three weeks ago!"

Landlords are called so for a reason. They consider themselves lords. Lording over your right to rent like a prison warden. One wrong move and you'll head to solitary. Also like prison wardens, they're usually corrupt and are bad at their jobs.

Superglue is like kryptonite. Back in the day the green rock could stop Superman dead in his tracks, and superglue could bond together even oil and water. But now Superman is too strong for regular kryptonite, so they had to invent Ultra Strong Rainbow Kryptonite. Unfortunately for superglue they haven't got that far so we're stuck with what is essentially watered down horses.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 289 - Pasteurized

We're cleaning out the cobwebs here at HWIDG, getting ready for the big move. So far we've found 12 dollars in Vietnamese dongs, a copy of the VHS from The Ring, and half an uneaten burrito that was somehow still good. So clean out your closets and let us know what weird things you find!

- Labor
- Homogenization
- Anti-Violence
- Tape Guns

I greatly appreciate guys that can break their bodies day after day for years, earning minimum wage or just above it. We need those people. Society needs them to function. I am not those people. Do I want to waste away in an office? No, but it beats roofing in July. So don't ask your accountant to work on your roof, and don't ask your roofer to do your taxes. Those guys are good at what they do!

Everything is the same these days. Movie blockbusters are all the same over-the-top world-ending CGI-fests. Social media is all essentially five different names for one platform you can copy/paste to. The news is the same repeating cycle of fearmongering and distraction. TV has all turned into lesser versions of classic shows. And it sucks. Almost nothing is truly unique anymore, and if it is, it's either ignored or shaved down to match everything else.

Violence works. We see it time and time again. Why do you have to take your shoes off at the airport? Because some jackass tried to blow up an airport with a shoe bomb! Like 15 years ago! If your head was on the line as a public servant, in order to make sure that at least 50% of your constituents approved of you, you'd do anything you could to make those people happy. It's why torture works! People will do anything to not get hurt.

Packing tape is a fickle mistress. You need her. Oh boy do you need her, and you need her bad. You could hardly move without her. Yet, every time you try and lay her down she turns into a huge mess! Folding in on her self, not sticking to where she needs to, even breaking under stress. And her gun? Useless. It jams, it comes unloaded randomly, and half the time you have to finish its job by yourself. You'd almost be better off without them. Almost.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 288 - Never Say never

This week on HWIDG we get WEIRD. How weird? Just slightly. That's right, it's the sane amount. Too weird and we go off the deep end and start covering serial killers like a bunch of Creeps. You don't want to go too weird. People are freaked out by it. You want just enough for people to recognize it, but not be disgusted by it. A lot like your face.

- Server Lectures
- Still Falling For It
- Fish Bees
- Saying Never

I know the old trope of "I'll be a waiter while I'm a struggling actor" has its roots in reality, but I am not paying triple digits for a steak *and* a monologue from The Tempest. I've got eyes, I can read the menu, and I understand what a heirloom tomato is.

When I go camping with someone that has a crippling fear of bears, I like to also sign up for the "Come Get Mauled By A Bear" experience that the park offers. It's great because I get to clean up their urine stains from everything, and my camping experience is now ruined! And I paid 300 bucks for it!

One fish, two fish, red fish, blue fish. Three fish, four fish, bee fish, more fish. Wait, did I just say "bee" fish, yes I did and I'm sticking to it. Bees are now fish, and congratulations, your taxes have gone up by 67 percent in support of them.

A man of his word stays true to it. If he says he's "never going there again" that place is out of sight, out of mind. He may get dragged there by a friend, or surprised with a visit there by his wife, but those are outside forces. He has not moved. He is strong.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 287 - Damn Nurture, You Scary!

The rumors are true folks! HWIDG is going away soon. It's been a good run, but Tab has decided to go off and become a dairy farmer in Wisconsin so he can be closer to his father, Rich Evans. Also harming the recording schedule is a slew of serial handle-related assaults and cipher messages that are gripping the Southwest. So enjoy it while you can folks, and remember, you can't rise from the ashes like a phoenix if you don't first burn out in a blaze of glory!

- Farewell Tours
- Card Only
- Ass Beatings
- Forced Fandom

As HWIDG sets sail on their own farewell tour, just like all old fogies, we're going to do the exact thing we're yelling about others doing. The problem with *other* farewell tours though is that they're too long. Far too many acts decide it's time to quit five years from now, so they start a farewell tour then, instead of in four years. Imagine if we had announced we were ending the podcast on episode 500 and spent the next five-ish years parading around like it was the end. The one thing we do have in common though is that just like your favorite band from forty years ago, there are no original members left, or it's one of the old guys with a rotating band of session players. Too bad, kid. You wanted to see the original line up? You've either got to animate some corpses or travel back in time to before they broke up over who got to screw that groupie in Laredo. We're just playing the game as given though, so don't blame us when the reunion tour comes around.

In this day and age, you can be flying through digital aisle after aisle packing your digital card full of stuff you don't need, and probably won't use but are cool to look at, ready to pay with your digital money, when all of a sudden the vendor asks you for your credit card information. And not through some secure portal either. Nah, you've got to type that info in the way you used to order pizza over the phone, or when John Wick needs your help in Fortnite. I'm not saving my card info on a dozen plus websites that get hacked daily are you kidding me?

You ever see a video of someone just getting their ass handed to them in a fight? Fun to watch, ain't it? What's going on before the first punch is thrown though? Is one of them just quietly minding their own business? Or even trying to walk away from the situation? Or are they yelling back like a jackass, telling the other to "come and get it"? I think aside from that one week where "the knockout game" was popular (was it though?), generally, you keep your mouth shut, you don't end up with your nose spewing blood on the concrete. It's that simple.

It used to be that a fan was just that, a fan. Yes, I enjoy the media property Space Goons, I am a fan. Then came stans. The crazy, deranged, obsessive ones. Originating from the Eminem song about a fan that takes his lyrics too seriously and kills himself and his pregnant girlfriend because Eminem won't talk to him. And just like everything else, it lost its original meaning and become something to be proud of. And then it went even further. If the stans were the "true fans" the obsessive know-it-all Wikipedia lore guardians, then what were the "fans"? Well, they weren't. And just like that if you didn't dive headfirst into the singular identifier of "fan", you were other-ed. You had to be willing to die in the line of fire for your favorite IP. Willing to die on the hill of argument about Kyber crystals in order to just enjoy flashing lights and colors on your TV. No thanks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 286 - Were-Crusader

In this special Holy episode of HWIDG, Tab is back from Mecca and boy did he have a great time! He tells us all about his quest for Abieg, and how many big hills he encountered. Now, my Rhinestonian brothers and sisters let us pray for a quality episode filled with many issues, like:

- Wheelchair Guy
- Stupid Suggestions
- TV CG
- Nailing It

Some people are dealt a shit hand by life. Most of us feel like that every now and then, but some truly are. In society we generally treat these people with a little more respect than the average person. We tend to accommodate specifically for them. And in turn, they are generally agreeable despite their situation. Then there's the others. The damn-the-heavens type. The curse-you-walking-fools type. The if only-these-eyes-could-see type. They hate the world for how it has wronged them, and they will take any and all occasions to remind us "blessed" folk that we take what we have for granted. They're one more evil deed done to them from becoming a supervillain like Samuel L. Jackson in Unbreakable. And we saw how Glass ended up. Do you really want more of that?

People like to think that they know best. So much so that they know your job better than you, the expert. These people then rise to the top and get jobs overseeing your sector. And they start suggesting dumb rules and changes. Because they've never been in your position, they've never actually done your work, so they assume they know how it's done and go off that. Like telling a chef that your medium-rare steak is undercooked. No, you just like burnt meat. Or suggesting that injecting bleach or sunlight into a human body could get rid of a virus. You'd have to be a real dummy to suggest that.

Television. What was once a new medium to tell serialized stories and bring you movies in the comfort of your own home has now become a bastardized version of itself. It fell behind with the rise of digital media and streaming and instead started chasing two things: the internet, and Hollywood. For a long time, TV knew it wasn't Hollywood, and it couldn't bring you a $100 million dollar movie every week, but it used that to its advantage! Now, TV series want desperately to bring you the spectacular blockbusters you go to the big screen to see at home. The budgets have ballooned with movie star features and extensive CG. And that CG? It's bad. Even Marvel, the biggest thing in the world can't get their series' CG to look competent. And they refuse to throw more money at it or throw money into doing it practically so we're stuck in the uncanny valley again like it's 2003.

Hey! You got your Do Get in my Here's What I Don't Get! Ah that's alright, they're two great tastes that taste great together! Nailed it! Just like Mr. Reesee himself when he stuffed a bunch of peanut butter into some chocolate, occasionally we just nail things. We grab 'em by the horns and wrestle 'em down to the ground until they yell uncle. And when you walk away you feel like a god. Remember that scene in Bruce Almighty where he's walking down the street, testing out his new God powers? And he makes a monkey come out of a dude's butt? That's what it feels like to nail it. Like you could make a monkey come out of a dude's butt.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on Discord, support us on Patreon or by buying a shirt.

Episode 285 - Working Stiffs

Welcome to an extra relaxed episode of hwidg. we've been working hard and hardly sleeping, so we're keeping it low-key as the kids say. Join us in relaxing, maybe pour yourself a nice glass of something strong and dip into a bubble bath seductively like you're a classy working girl. Send pics pls.

- Strawberries
- Social Media Filler
- Weird Wait Staff
- Past Due Compliments

All this and more on this week's so-close-yet-so-far episode! Don't forget to join us on discord, support us on patreon or by buying a shirt.