Episode 284 - Ninja Turtle Popsicle

This week HWIDG dives head first into the creamy, frozen world of ice cream! That's right, starting next week, you'll be able to buy a pint of Here's What Ice Don't Cream at participating gas stations and all Dollar General stores. Two flavors are up for grabs, with more to come. First, we have "Tab's Delight", a vanilla-bourbon ice cream with chunks of medium rare steak. Second is "The Scoopbreaker", an extra firm dark chocolate ice cream with ribbons of ghost pepper and white chocolate-covered chunks of Ambien. So grab a pint, or call your local store and request, no, DEMAND that they carry Here's What Ice Don't Cream!

- Unlegal
- Being On a Team with the Dumb Kid
- Media Flashlight
- Too Much For Kids

The Grey Zone of Legality. A wild west of a place where the legalities of things are as nebulous as its citizens. "Well, it's not illegal" is the most uttered phrase there, spilling out of the mouths of lawyers like broken teeth in a nightmare. When there would take some amount effort to codify a practice or act as legal or not, your elected officials instead fly first class to the Grey Zone, taking a vacation from duties, staying in their nice summer homes in the area, all while pretending to do their jobs as lawmakers. Law. Makers. Not lawsuit-ruling-pointer-at-ers. You could be the sharpest tack in the room, or you could just be a well-used but reliable tack, but either way the poster you are being used to hang up will always fall because of the tack that doesn't know it's broken. That's what being in a group with a real dummy feels like. Like you are being dragged down to their level when you have to explain everything multiple times, use small words because brain small, and double check everything they do. Even worse, they act like magnets for non-work and slow everyone around them down, making everyone just that little bit dumber.

"The world is a dark place, and there to shine a light on the cobwebs of society is the news media! Shining their light of justice onto the dusty, hidden tomes that are shady dealings in government, they are enforcers of truth and the American Way!" This is what the media sees themselves as. A Saturday-morning cartoon version of what they were meant to be, instead of their trailer park trash-level of entertainment coverage and Xeroxed headlines. Instead of using their flashlight of justice to guide the people to the corruption going on right under their noses, they instead use it to bounce the people's interest to the latest unimportant celebrity beef, keeping the real nightmares you should know about in the dark.

Children are the future. Keyword being *future*, not present. Kids these days carry themselves like self-important all-knowing brats because we've spent the last 30 years increasingly focusing on them. The rise of the teen heartthrobs of the 80's led way to an all out kids-focused media blitz in the 90s. All of a sudden, kids weren't just small adults-to-be, they were their own demographic to be marketed to and marketed with. Anything adults have, no matter how unimportant or inappropriate, has been bastardized to fit children somehow. For children. Snot-nosed, OshKosh B'gosh-wearing, diaper-filling children.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 283 - Going Hard In The Paint For Evanescence

In lieu of a structured episode this week, join us for another fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants, yet intimate, HWIDG sit down where we discuss the finer things in life, such as:

- Telling Your Co-workers Off
- Magic Hats
- Breakfast Foods
- Colin Farrell's Neck Obsession

All this and more on this week's quick and dirty episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 282 - Cord Wristcutters

Hello HWIDGicans, we have an important announcement to make today. There has been a recent change in leadership, as Elon Musk has acquired the majority of shares in our company. His ruthless coup of our Board of Directors was shameful, and we can only assume blackmail was involved. Some changes to be instated include: mandatory Tesla ownership per host, a switch over to Starlink for internet, and since Mr. Musk is African-American, Tab must now listen to the entirety of Kanye West's discography. We hope these changes won't impact you, the listener, too much and we will be in touch about how we're gonna spend all this money, yo.

- Trojan Whiners
- Being Babied
- Netflix and Chill
- USFL

Remember 300? It's a great tale of men coming together to defend their country against all odds. They hold their defenses strong when thousands of Persians descend on them, they cut through "immortal" warriors, and shrug off volleys of millions of arrows. In the end, they go down fighting, but one soldier is able to tell their tale and rally the troops at home for another round. It's pretty much non-stop action. Because that's entertaining. What's not entertaining would be the sequel where we see all their wives grieving for two and a half hours. Because actions change things. People that whine about everything happening to them but take no action to change their fate are the opposite of the Spartans. Don't not be a Spartan.

Babies suck. You've got to watch them 24/7 just so they don't kill themselves. Don't touch that hot stove. Don't put that fork in the electrical outlet. Don't create a resistance uprising leading to your assassination attempt. You know who's not a baby, and therefore doesn't need to be led by the hand at work? Me. And everyone else. Mostly. Look, there are some fellas working out there that really need guidance. The kind that don't understand why a male-to-male electrical cord is a bad idea, but in a work zone that mostly involves pushing boxes on wheels around? You can pretty much just point to a thing and point to where it needs to go, and it'll get done. No need to baby the guys doing it.

Remember Netflix and Chill? Well, it's going away if Netflix's stock prices are any indication. "How'd they do that?" person who clearly hasn't used Netflix in years asks. Well person, remember when Netflix had movies you wanted to watch? Not anymore! It's Bollywood garbage and straight-to-digital Bruce Willis act 'em ups. Remember liking that Netflix Original Series? Well these days they make so many at such low standards, that's all they have! Remember paying ten bucks and splitting it with three other people? The CEO of Netflix wishes you would get cancer and die you filthy criminal! Netflix turned into the digital version of the Amazon Returns bargain stores that have cropped up recently. You wade through a bunch of garbage that you already have better versions of or can't fathom ever wanting in hopes of finding that one "Cinderalla" item you can take home, or you walk away dejected. Well great, now we have to think of another euphemism for casual sex. How about HBOMax & Chillax? Or Tubi & Boobie. Or Disney Plus & Cunnilingus. Or Crunchyroll & Punchy-hole.

Remember what the XFL promised? A brand new football league that was tired of RULES and 5 HOUR GAMES, no they wanted X-TREME FOOTBALL to be the new norm. And believe you me, I wanted it too. In my mind I imagined spikes on shoulder pads, flaming goalposts, boost and jump pads, the ultimate football videogame that never was. But alas, it was just the NFL with slightly changed rules. So when I found out about the recently launched USFL I questioned why it exists. The XFL is coming back, and we know it'll be just as milquetoast as it was the first time around. And they want to be EXTREME! So this is just another league, with tiny differences in rulings so that football addicts can get another round in after the NFL finishes their season.

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 281 - Podcastophobia

Dear listeners of HWIDG, you enjoy our podcast right? But what If I told you you could have your own podcast? That's right, For just 25% of your own show's Patreon earnings, you can franchise HWIDG into your own podcast!. Be your own host! For up to 50% off market price, we'll sell you the best Issues so you too can be the Podcaster you've always wanted to be. Please, take this sample pack and tell all your friends that they too can be their own podcast all while earning me money, earning you money, and eventually the experience of barely making ends meet while we breathe down your neck for not putting up numbers. Beats working 9-5!

- Throwing Away the Script
- Phobias
- Feet
- Too Many Pets

Failure to plan is a plan to fail. Some people are good 'wingers', but most people need a plan. Plans are good, you can rehearse them, go through them, see what does and doesn't work, and refine them until you've got a solid plan. It's why Paul Fieg's terrible brand of "comedy" doesn't work, he just lets the actors improv and cuts together the "best" bits, as opposed to actually writing good jokes. Only the masters of improvisation have any chance of being just as good as those that hone and plan. And believe me, there's only a handful of those folks.

Everyone is scared of something. Creepy insects, heights, murderers are all pretty common fears to have. We stay away from those things because they can kill us, it's just survival instinct. Then there's the weird ones. Arachibutyrophobia: the fear of peanut butter. Porphyrophobia: the fear of the color purple (and I don't mean that terrible Spielberg movie, that's a perfectly normal fear to have). Gamophobia: the fear of marriage (and as any good hack comedian would put it: "AKA BEING A MAN"). But the weirdest of all? Missingthenewepisodeofhereswhatidontgetaphobia. Don't worry, we'll help you through that one.

The human body is weird. There's various textures and crevasses, areas that range from rock hard to supple and soft. There's plenty of places to look and be in to. But feet? No way. They're ragged from all the walking we do, they're one of the quickest areas to be dirty and smelly, and yet there's these groups of weirdos that A:) refuse to cover them up, even in public, and B:) the weirdos that worship at the altar of group A. Degenerates that get their rocks off on ladies' feet are some of the weirdest around, because they're so outspoken. There's nastier stuff to be into but those freaks keep it to themselves, whereas the foot fetishist can be found on many an Instagram account asking "feet pics?".

How many pets are too many? I think we've figured it out. Small animals like fish, crabs, snakes, and anything else that gets held in a large tank? Those get counted by the number of tanks, not the individual animals. Animals that be actively walking around and stuff? The limit is N+2, where N is the number of people in the household. You live by yourself? Having four dogs is too many. Two cats and two dogs? Too many. A hamster, a rabbit, and three cats? TOO MANY. In a house of four? You can have two dogs, a cat, some fish, a hamster, and a bird. Now, is that a lot of pets, YES. People will definitely know you like animals, but they can be taken care of. And then there's the monsters. The hoarders. The ones on TLC that have 16 cats and love them all because they have so much love to give. I'm sorry crazy cat lady, you don't have pets you have a zoo.

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 280 - Tokyo Joycon Drift

This Summer, HWIDG Studios and the producers that brought you the Fast and Furious Saga of films bring you the next pivotal entry in the story all about family. They've been in the streets and all over the world. They've been to the sea, and the sky, and even space. So where is Dom and the family going next? Mushroom Kingdom. The Fast and the Furious Presents: Kart Wars. When Dom can't find a babysitter for date night, he turns to the last man he can: Mario! Dropped into the world of Nintendo, Dom and family must do the one thing they know to defeat Bowser: race. But this isn't any normal race. No NOS here, just bananas and shells! World's collide this summer in Kart Wars!

- Regionalisms
- Corporate Greed for The Little Things
- Squandering Opportunities
- Halo TV Show

It's the little things in life that matter. It's the weird idiosyncrasies that make us who we are. But your little things in the town over are weird and your weird idiosyncrasies are disgusting and you should choke on them. Wether it's serving cheese water with chips and salsa, or putting marshmallow fluff on your burgers, it's different and I DON'T LIKE THAT.

Companies are not poor people. They pay taxes like they are, and take all the handouts they can get, but poor they are not. So, they should be able to foot the bill for the little expenses. But some don't. They want to keep every nickel and dime when a dollar would make everyone happy, and they have a billion of those in the bank right now. Imagine the best quarterback in the NFL. Not the best so far, but the peak specimen. I'm a perfect robot body. He sets a Hail Mary pass under pressure, it takes off in a perfect spiral towards the end zone, and the receiver, setup for the perfect pass, no one around him, drops trou and pisses in his mouth as the ball flies into his head and kills him. That guy would go down as the worst player ever. He squandered the perfect opportunity.

If you were a TV executive and you got the new, hottest franchise dropped into your lap, and the budget to match, would you A:) hire people that know or are willing to learn about said franchise in order to best represent it, or B:) replace all the existing intricate lore, leaving it a shell of its former self, pissing off all the fans, and making an uninteresting genre work based on cliche for people that don't even like said genre? The answer is always B apparently.

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 279 - AirBnBattery

You know what gets people talking? Celebrities! You know what gets people talking about celebrities non-stop? Celebrity drama! So, taking a page from Tinseltown, HWIDG is now Here's What I Don't Get (About Celebrities)! Every week on  HWIDG(AC) we'll each pit our chosen celebrity of the week against each other in a potential beef. Will it be Estelle Getty versus Wesley Snipes, Tom Hanks versus Robert Redford, or Jackie Chan versus Larry the Cable Guy? No one knows! We'll duke it out on their behalf each week until we've got a bracket-style tournament to find out who will be crowned the ultimate celebrity! And what is the ultimate prize? The quickest death! That's right, the ultimate winner will be granted the sweet, sweet mercy of a swift kill as opposed to all the losers who will be subject to the torturous, highly painful, gruesome deaths they deserve!

- "That's Assault"
- Hotels
- The Birthday Boy
- Meta

Laws are not steadfast rules. If you kill an armed burglar breaking into your home, you usually don't go to prison for murder. We bend them from situation to situation to fit what is socially acceptable. Except when we don't. It's why someone ends up on the sex offender registry for pissing in an alley. Or a bullied kid gets suspended for standing up for himself. The zero tolerance approach hurts everyone. Sometimes people need to hash some problems out, and sometimes that way is with their fists. And we need to let them. We need public fight referees, and I volunteer.

In this time of airbnb and Vrbo, why do we need hotels? to Pay 3-5 times as much for skeeted-on sheets and stale muffins? To pay 39.99 for some softcore MILF action? To pay 8 bucks for a Snickers bar at the tiny shop in the lobby? To pay hourly for internet in the "Business Center"? To be disturbed by housekeeping when you're trying to rest? To steal the travel-sized 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner and add them to your horde of others? We tolerated hotels because that's what we had when we couldn't stay with someone where we were visiting, but now, we can stay at strangers' summer houses for a fraction of the price!

A lot of kids are endowed with a sense of entitlement on their birthdays. They're the big birthday boy! It's their special day! Or week! They should live like kings and queens! Do you think the kids thought this up? Of course not. Eventually they become adults and become busy with work and bills and kids and that sense of entitlement is passed down to the next generation, and the cycle continues. So you've got kids who think they can do whatever they want, and parents who want to let the kid do whatever the want getting in the way of the other 99.7% of people who couldn't care less, and honestly these kids should probably be taught this lesson early on. A quick body slam never hurt much.

Remember when Ferris Bueller talked to you, the person watching the screen, breaking that fourth wall? Or when Deadpool knew he was in a comic book? Or when Daffy Duck was tormented by his animator? Now everything is self-aware and "meta". Gotta put those fan jokes and memes right back into the source material so that the fans know you're listening to them! The problem with this is that almost no show these days is funny or smart enough for it to seem like anything other than a blatant "LOOK, REMEMBER THIS?" moment for YouTubers to circle with a red arrow on this week's TOP 10 THINGS YOU MISSED IN MARVEL DISNEY+ SHOW #15!

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 278 - Spiderman's Mylar Surprise

This week's episode of HWIDG is brought to you by contractual obligations! It's no more than the bare minimum for you and you should take solace in that! The alternative is nothing! And most times, something is better than nothing! Contractual obligations, getting us paid and you only barely satisfied since 1933!

- Balloons
- Clinging On of Late Night TV
- Extravagance of Celebrity

Balloons suck, which is funny because you spend all your time blowing into them. And for what? So some kid will play with it for 10 seconds before moving onto something else? So some party floor gets littered with them at midnight? So you might spot a used car lot 1% more than usual? They're just garbage for our tiny lizard brains that recognize motion.

Oh late night talk shows, you used to be good, what happened to you? I'll tell you what happened, the internet. In the 80's and 90's you could tune in at 10:30 to hear some hack comedian riff on current events, interview some celebrity you dislike, and hear a song from some lady you don't know every day of the week, guaranteed. Now, you can get all that at a touch of your phone at any time of the day, and from people more charismatic and funny than the current lineup of vapid, smarmy late night hosts.

Oh to be a celebrity. To be waited on hand and foot. To have people run your everyday life so much that you forget that regular people live without 10 assistants. To want for nothing and have everything at a moment's notice. To make peons getting paid what you earn every millisecond empty your bathwater so they can afford to live. Oh what a great life.

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 277 - Emergency Session

We hereby call this episode of HWIDG into session, with little time to lose! As the deadline for the week rears its head, I'd like to take a small amount off time at the beginning to say thank you to Joe's Electrical and Zoology for the highly informational hamster/nuclear fusion part of our program. It's great to know that our future lies in their tiny, tiny hands. A quick reminder: if that portion of the episode did not make it to air, please enact Protocol 7.1.2b as per the instructions in the Evil Clone episode, and may God have mercy on your souls. Dismissed!

- Selfishness
- Subcontractors
- Being Second Guessed
- Downtown Pricing

All this and more on this week's fast and furious episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 276 - Pancake Stomp

Just when everyone thought all out war would break loose over a territorial pissing match, the real bad guy comes along and kicks our collective butt. Turns out people care more about gas than they do some country halfway around the world. These 18 year olds wont be getting drafted and sent to Nowhere to fight for nothing, they'll be stationed outside your local gas station making sure you aren't stealing gas rations.  Tough lick fighting for Lady Justice when you're stuck in Plattville, WI, making sure Greg McDouchestink can't fill his Hummer.

- The Automatic Bathroom
- The Paperless Delay
- Closed on Mondays
- Idle Pestering

Who needs an automatic bathroom? Germaphobes? The handicapped? Sure. But not everyone else. We're perfectly fine flushing our own john, lathering our own soap, and turning on the tap to our preferred temperature. Next thing you know we'll have the all-automatic bedroom. Self-replacing sheets, sock dispenser, pillow fluffer, a robot attendant to tuck us in. And that sounds wonderful, let's work on that technology.

Email was a great invention. Going paperless let us go from piece of mail right into the garbage, to email notification you immediately swipe away. Unfortunately, the systems that led us to this great lack of junk mail are about as rickety as the foundation of a San Fransisco bum's newspaper shack. For every "Join us at Chase banking" email I get, I still get that fake credit card of theirs in the mail. So that particular junk mail has doubled.  Despite Amazon's and Big Box store investments into rapid shipping, the state office, tax forms, and other actual important mail takes literal weeks. Like it's the 90s and you just ordered something from a TV commercial.

The 9-5 Monday through Friday work week sucks. We all know this. Certain stores and establishments keep these hours to keep the norm, but now "the norm" can't use your services! If they would just shift a few hours further or ahead, it would let 9-5ers come in on the way to work, or just after, and would let your own employees visit those 9-5 places when they need to. And then there's the "we're special" places that like to be closed Wednesday and Thursday for some reason. But the worst is Monday. No one like Mondays. Getting some fresh coffee before or after work can make or break the day. If I can't get my decaf-double-shot-espresso-vanilla-caramel-latteachiato because you want a "funky" weekend, why open at all?

Some people can't be quiet. I think the quiet hurts their brains. It's quiet? Something's wrong, fix it by pestering someone. No one's around? Pester them via text. Someone said there are no dumb questions. That's wrong. It comes from a good place, but it's wrong. Asking questions is good. People that want to learn frequently ask questions, but with a purpose. Pesterers ask stupid questions to fill the void between their ears. This is why social media exists. To relax the pesterers and give them somewhere to spout the inane questions that would otherwise drive a person to bludgeon them with a chunk of rebar.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 275 - Surf's Up!

As the looming threat of nuclear war hangs above our head like a bad 80's flick, we must stand firm and remember that the dozens of fatalities from the immediate blasts will be dwarfed by the following radiation fallout! So get your Pip-Boys ready, keep your Gauss rifle close, and sleep soundly to the fact that you'll be a creepy Ghoul at best in the nuclear winter! Dasvidaniya, boys!

- Channel Surfing
- Tiny Propaganda
- Machismo
- Easy Mode

Ah, channel surfing. The true American pastime. It's not good enough to just sit and watch something, you've got to scroll through all the available channels you have because dammit, you paid for them! And that's how we live our lives now, scrolling from crisis to crisis, forgetting them like a cereal commercial from three channels ago. With each press of the button we excitedly stop and analyze. "Is this something I like?" "Is this a rerun?" "Oh, this movie is half over? Pass!" All the while the rest of the people in the room are trying to quickly discuss each passed channel and yelling out "go back a few" so they can show off their knowledge on some obscure foreign film no one else wants to watch.

Propaganda isn't quite as blatant as it used to be. It has been adapted to the modern times, trying to trick your brain into thinking things it didn't before. It's the small things, like memes, that invade your subconscious. And yes, even the reverse psychology anti-memes that are all the rage these days have been weaponized. It's the way we change language to suit one party and not the other. It all adds up to make you believe that the sexy president of the poor, oppressed people needs help nuking the enemy so you can get a cute military girl to marry you.

We hear a lot about toxic masculinity these days, but there's another more accurate word to describe it, machismo. It's the dumb, entitled sense of strength that some men have, and if others don't show also display it, they are weak. It starts as a teenager, when you get stronger and taller than the others around you, and you want to show it off. At this point, just about all of us go through it. "Sure, pack another box on top of there, I got it." But as you age, you SHOULD grow out of it. Working smarter instead of harder. Unfortunately, not everyone does.

People want to be part of the zeitgeist. So when the hot new thing comes around and it's not for you? Most folks do the proper thing and ignore it, but others must complain that they can't play in the same sandbox. It's why you have to "bring enough for the whole class" when you just want to eat a piece of candy as a kid. It's why your Legos get bent and disappear because you're forced to share with the dumb kid who can't even put them together right. Not everything is made for you, and if you want it to be, then change it yourself.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 274 - Activated Boners

Guns. Experimental aircraft. Sonic the Hedgehog. A chili cheese Coney combo with tater tots and a vanilla shake. This episode of HWIDG. What do these items have in common? Well they all have the ability to go supersonic! Life comes at you fast, but we come even faster. Wait, no. I worded that wrong.

- Hateboners
- The Snowpocalypse
- Generibad
- The Way It's Always Been Done

A hate boner is when you hate something so much it gives you physical pleasure and you need to change your pants. You can tell someone that gets hateboners by the amount of pants they own. If they own more than 10 pairs of pants? I'm sorry, but they're suffering from a sever case of Hateboners and there's nothing that can be done at this stage, apart from making them feel comfortable. Or slapping them in the face and telling them to stop wasting so much of their time on something they don't even like. Seriuosly. It's ok not to like things, even healthy to passively hate things, But once you cross the line into activating Hate's trap card, you're dead.

Remember the good ol' days of waking up to watch the news ticker and figure out if you had school that day? Well no more. Now, school is virtual. You know what else is virtual? Rikku from FFX and I can't yank one out to ugly-ass Miss Davidson teaching me algebra, so guess who's not "Zoom"ing into class today? Spoiler alert: It's me.

Generic is bad, bad is worse, but also generic is even worse? There's a fine, thin line between 'meh' and 'this blows' and it's a hell of a tightrope walk that many have fallen down from. Bad movies can be made fun of, laughed at, and ridiculed. Generic ones? You can play a cool party trick called "I know what's going to happen in this movie I've never seen", but that's about it.

If the medical industry did things "the way they've always been done" we'd still be sticking a needle through your eye because you saw ghosts, or drilling a hole in your brain to let the ghosts out of it. We'd be sawing off your arm at the first sign of infection instead of giving you antibiotics, and if you went to the ER because you got a lightbulb stuck up your poop chute, we'd hang you instead of safely removing it. So maybe we try something new every once in a while, eh?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 273 - Big Honkers

As Americans, we basically invented honkers. Even if we hadn't, we've got the most famous ones! I'm talkin Convoy (the song), Convoy (the movie), Smokey and the Bandit, Dolly Parton, and Optimus Prime! We need to stand in solidarity with the Canadian truckers that get that sweet maple syrup from Calgary to Alberta however far that is! Seriously, how far is that? Anyways, we need to be honking just as much! Show them that while Rock & Roll may not be Noise Pollution, honking sure is! That's why HWIDG will be proudly raising money for the cause by launching Honk For Honkers. For every pair of honkers we see out there on the road, we'll be donating 1 HONKCoin.

- The Mask-Off
- Optometry
- Live. Die. Repeat
- Phone Tower Outages

Finally, masks are gone! I saw it! At the Superbowl, in Los Angeles of all places, the crowds were packed and not a single mask! It's over! But you're still seeing masks aren't you? Of course you are! The mandate might be over, but masks are still "strongly recommended" by your local government, the same way they "strongly recommend" locking your doors at night. Don't worry, though, because they're still required in airports, schools, hospitals, stores, restaurants, theaters, and anywhere else you might go. Fr**dom!

We figured out eyes a long time ago with glasses. For those 10% of times that glasses are uncomfortable, we invented contacts. We solved it! Aside from curing blindness with sci-fi eye transplants we solved all of humanity's vision problems! So what happens when an industry is stagnant? Well, they invent new problems so they can solve them! Lens coatings to prevent scratches and UV rays and blue light, trifocals and quadfocals, transition lenses so you have kind-of sunglasses and glasses in one! Then we went from hard contacts to soft ones, dailies, weeklies, and monthlies, colored contacts for weebs, HydroPlus technology so they stay moister longer, HydroPlus is out AquaVent technology is in! Contacts for presbyopia and astigmatism and rheumatism and multifocal contacts with Predator vision! Calm down, I just need to see more than 6 inches in front of me.

Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. What do you remember from high school history class? Or were you too busy drawing sketches of Spawn fighting Batman, or playing Tekken under the table, or playing footsies with a second-string cheerleader? What was the major headline this week last year? Is it something that just totally slipped by you? One drop in a bucket of information that is poured into our eyes daily? No one learns from history anymore, because there's too much of it. It's not actual history until it's in a book somewhere 20 years from now, and you know what's going to stick, the big wars and market crashes. No one will care that businesses were given the strength of governments and time and time again they had say on what was right or wrong.

Everyone has cell phones. Something like 97% of Americans. With margin of error and folks that have more than one for business and work or sidepieces, you've got to figure 100% is a good bet. So we know how many things we need to service, how the hell are we not adequately servicing them? We've got cell speeds faster than most peoples computers were ten years ago, but I can't send a text in the middle of the day for some reason? How about you stop spending millions on Superbowl commercials and even more on bonuses for the board, and stop bowing down to the Karens of HOAs by making towers look like pretty plastic trees and MAKE SURE MY PHONE CAN SEND A CAT GIF TO SOMEONE 5 MILES AWAY IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE! 

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 272 - Save Tab (The Soda)!

Not all heroes wear capes. Some are born heroes and some are made heroes. But what do they have in common? When the bell of justice rings, they answer. When Gotham is under siege by The League of Assassins, Batman swoops in and takes vengeance. When a meteor is hurtling towards Metropolis, Superman flies up and saves the day. When a multi-billion dollar company is going to discontinue your namesake's soda, Tab is there! No longer will the evil corporations leave the original diet soda in the corner to fend for itself! When there is soda-related injustice to be fought, Tab is there!

- Sheer Incompetence
- Pointless Apologies
- Bait and Switch Sales
- Unfaithful Adaptations

A lot of times in life, it turns out no one knows what they're doing. We're all just winging it at some point. Some people are good wingers, and then there's the bozos. The idiots that radiate pure incompetence hot enough to give you radiation burns. You can only hope that when you meet one of these people in the workforce that you are high enough above them to get them the hell out of the building before they set it on fire trying to microwave a burrito. Otherwise, you have to stand/sit there and take in their incompetence like a stink. And there is no fan or spray strong enough in this world to get rid of it.

People apologize for two reasons: they are either truly sorry for what they did, or they want to save face. The problem is that these days, no apology is ever good enough. Fans don't care about what you did to apologize for, your haters will still hate and not accept the apology, and everyone else doesn't care. So what's the point apologizing to the people that will never be happy with your apology and will in fact just dig deeper and scour every word you've ever said or written to make you do it all over again?

Retail stores these days have us like rats in a maze. No longer are we in charge, spending where we want on what we want. Instead we are hurtled through stores like cattle, stopping every 10 feet to see the new shiny product that has the highest margins of profit. Gone are the days of the deal, replaced by group savings on select items. Amazon and the like have figured out how to skirt consumer rights just so, so they can falsely advertise one color in one size of a shirt as a massive bargain while the rest sit there at full price, laughing at you for being poor.

One of two things can happen with unfaithful adaptations to the screen. On one hand you have something that is quasi-true in tone, setting, story, or characters but is mangled by writers, directors and producers that have no interest in appealing to the existing fanbase, only in making another hit in the genre. Or you can have a director or writer use a work for its setting or tone and craft it into something that only barely resembles the original but is a fantastic piece of work otherwise. As a fan, yes it can hurt to see your favorite book be used practically in name only, but its much, much worse to see it treated like a Special Ops blacksite prisoner, abused and mangled until it has given up.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 271 - Meatloaf Forklift (ft. Vinnie from The Creep Off)

What makes a creep? Is it a broken door handle collection that gets slowly caressed every night? Is it dressing up like Dolly Parton and stalking Sylvester Stallone until releases Rhinestone on Blu-Ray? Is it creating a fictional podcast listener with a funny voice named "Andy" just to call in to your own podcast and others anonymously? Or is it guesting on this podcast without bringing in an issue? Find out on this week's exciting creepy episode!

- Women Loving True Crime
- Traffic Jams
- Stars
- The Arrowverse

Blood, gore, weapons, and murder are all typically associated with men. We're the ones that love beating each other with ripped-off legs in Mortal Kombat, watching Arnold blow the guts out of terrorists, and sending cyphers to the local newspaper about our next victim. But for some reason, the recent rise of "True Crime" media has attracted a new audience: women. For some reason women love hearing about the gruesome details of serial killers and how they slowly torture their victims, chop off pieces of their bodies and eat them with fava beans and a nice chianti. And they seemed unfazed by it! But men watching heads being exploded by aliens are weird and gross for some reason.
   
   When you're working, you're usually focused. The thing you're doing is important and needs to get done, so when someone gets in your way it's frustrating. But here's the secret, I know you're busy, I know I'm impeding your work, but if you just stop for ten seconds and answer my question or move out of the way, or send a file, whatever it is, I will be out of your hair and you can go back to scooping ice cream or writing TPS reports. I have work to do too, and the quicker you help me out instead of bitching about it, the quicker we can both go home.

You always hear that "celebrities are people too" ,and that's true for some of them. Some of them are humble folk, aware that they live a privileged lifestyle that most people will never come close to. But the others? They have been warped by money beyond your wildest dreams, yes men that approve every dumb decision they make, and assistants on top of assistants that prevent them from seeing any peon worker. These are the kind of people that demand their natural peanut butter be stirred before they enter the green room, because god forbid they stir their own food. The kind of people that tell management to make workers not make eye contact with them.

With the rise of superhero movies in the last fifteen years, the TV studios have been trying to get a bit of that super-payday. But those movies have millions upon millions to use on 135 minutes once at a time. The TV shows have 25% of that budget to use on 7 times the footage. Do the math. Even the "premiere" streaming shows might have the same big Hollywood budget, but for 6-8 episodes. So they end up looking cheesy and bland in the action scenes, and the acting is soap opera level because they're essentially filming a movie every 2 weeks. It's admirable to try, but given the output so far, is it worth it?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 270 - Grand Theft Ticket

In lieu of a regular episode this week, here's something much funnier: three hours of audio of Tab playing Grand Theft Auto V. Will he get away from the cops? Will he throw the controller multiple times because of some bush you can't just drive through? Will he accidentally shoot the friendly A.I. because the camera freaked out? Will he be broke AF despite pulling off multiple million-dollar heists? The answer to all of these, unshockingly, is yes. Because that's what happens to everyone.

- Ticketmaster
- Day-Off Lethargy
- Playing Cops
- Online-ification

You know why people always want to cut out the middleman? Because he's a fraud. A fox that has wiggled his way into making you believe that he is essential as a go between between you and someone else. He makes its so easy, all you have to do is give him a little cut on the side. And Ticketmaster is the worst one. Why should a big arena pay for a Box Office with actual people that can help you when they can let Ticketmaster plop another 35% onto your overpriced tickets to see some past-their-prime rockers or coked-out pop star?

You got a day off of work? Congrats! Now, don't sleep in, go to the gym or work on your hobby so you don't feel like a waste and a failure. That's the modern mindset. Always grinding. Not working? Side hustle. Time off from both? Bettering yourself, keeping your hours constant. Non-stop. Why though? What's the use in working all the time to earn money for things you don't have time to enjoy because you're always working? Why isn't sleeping in and leisure time considered healthy for the mind and body? Work should be work, once you're off the clock, you're off. If time is money, spend yours how you want.

No one like a hall monitor, or a meter maid, or a security guard, or anyone else that likes to play pretend police officer. We know that it's not absolute power that corrupts absolutely, it's a modicum of power, so imagine the balls on the guy that actually does have absolute power. He must go around swinging them, showing them off to everyone he can. Russia acting up again? "Maybe they want to see my balls?" Some new resistance group pops up where they have lots of oil? "Is that oil for my balls?" North Korea testing nukes again? "Better go show them my balls!"

Games are not a thing you buy and play anymore. They are now services that you must keep up with, watch streams of, and stan for. What ever happened to sitting with your buds trying to beat that hard boss while chugging Mountain Dew and chomping on some pizza? Then watching The Matrix and Happy Gilmore again before trying to sneak a peek at some Skinemax? The internet happened. Why go over to your bud's place to pass a controller back and forth while calling each other names when you can play from the comfort of your own home, on your own Cheeto-stained mouse and keyboard, with no pants on, Netflix on your TV, while you and your friend wait in Discord chat because there's a new 25 GB update that nerfed your particular favorite weapon for being OP?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 269 - Go Dolphins

We here at HWIDG think of ourselves, not just as a podcast, but as a global brand. With that in mind, we've been looking to expand our brand into other forms of media, which why, we're proud to announce that we have plans to acquire Microsoft. With their established foothold in gaming, computers, mobile, and more, we as a global brand will be able to do the one thing that no one could ever do. That's right, we're going to hold a public execution for that crime to humanity called Clippy. His long reign of terror over children's book reports and your mother's recipes will forever be a blot on our history, but with HWIDG and Microsoft now together, we can make this dream come true. More news about this is coming soon, so stay tuned, until then:

- No Shows
- The Babysitter Look
- Dead Dreams
- Football Small Talk

Work sucks. The person that gets to wake up happy to go to work every day is one in a billion. For the rest of us, it's get up, get some fuel in us, and muster the strength to deal with whatever today's problem is. And for those salaried 9-5 folks, you don't feel like going in? Take a day off. It's healthy, and hell, the company gives you those days to use. Use them. But when you do gig work thats time-sensitive, with wacky hours, you can't just call off. What you can do though, is lie. Especially now, with cough panic? You woke up with a fever, you've got to stay home. But the worst thing you can do is just not go to work with no answer. That's called being a dick.

I don't like babysitting. Having to train someone at work stinks, and it's hard to do it without coming off like a condescending dick or that you don't care. That's why we need some form of card or AR rig that lets you see just how experienced someone is in something. Yeah, i've got 3000 hours stocking shelves buddy, you don't have to teach me how a box cutter works. Imagine all the time and resentment you would save if you could at-a-glance tell if someone was a noob or not. Plus you could compare numbers with your friends and brag about it. "I've wasted 250 hours dealing with idiots at work!" "Yeah, well, according to my stats, ONLY 250 hours of of my work was spent not dealing with idiots. And I've been there for ten years!"

I have a dream that one day a man's memory will be so forgotten that he will be reduced to a name of a holiday. That children will praise his name without any sense of what he stood for, just because they don't have to attend school. I have a dream that his image will be tarnished by Hollywood as they attempt to "humanize" him and make him more "real". I have a dream that despite being a martyr, his death will mean nothing, even if it was at the hands of his own government. I have a dream that this man that preached equality will be radicalized into a figure that represents just the opposite of that.

How about them Dolphins? The ones at the zoo? Are they still being treated ethically? Are they really the smartest mammal after humans? Are they still rapey? Yeah, it's a whole thing. No, really they're quite sexually aggressive. Kinda makes you think about them differently, eh? What? Oh, there's a football team named the Dolphins? Oh, I -uh I knew that, I was just kidding around. Boy they really beat that other team quite badly last week. They scored a lot of hoopgoals, didn't they? Okay, look, I know nothing about sports, can we talk politics instead?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 268 - Cursed Speedruns

2022 is a year of efficiency, that's why this episode was made as efficiently as possible. No energy savings mind you, just recorded right before it comes out, so that it reaches you at it's most fresh level. Next week we'll be beaming the episode directly into your ears for maximum efficiency and also to make you look like a crazy person in public.

* The Time Warp
* Testing Positive
* Showing Your Ass Online
* Cursed Land

Are you 2020? Because I want to do you again and again with no working protection.

Are you a virus test? Because I want to spit in you then swirl you around and around, then test negative.

Do you have an OnlyFans? Because you just showed your ass online and now everyone's laughing at you.

We're you built on an ancient Indian burial ground? Cause I want nothing to do with your cursed ass.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 267 - Top Heavy Bubble Butt

IT'S 2022 AND WE'RE TAKING NO PRISONERS THIS YEAR. NO ONE IS SAFE. NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA. AND THIS TRAIN AIN'T STOPPIN' ANY TIME SOON. WHERE SOME OTHER SHOWS TAKE A WEEK OFF (OR 6) BECAUSE OF A LITTLE COUGH, WE'RE BRINGING THIS SHOW TO YOU BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER. I'M TALKIN ABOUT FOUR, COUNT'EM: FOUR ISSUES PER EPISODE. THAT'S RIGHT. NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT EVEN A THREE-CHEESE BLEND OF RAGE, BUT A XXL FOUR-CHEESE, CONSTIPATED-FOR-A-WEEK EXTRAVAGANZA! 2022! BE THERE OR ELSE!

- USITT Problematic Terminology
- Bad Online Stores
- Boomeritis
- Working with Masks

People use slang. Before, during, and after work. Things get nicknames for one reason or another, and they then are called that for dozens of years. It's not malicious, it's descriptive. The "CAUTION: WIDE LOAD" sign was created before Tiffany the 400lb Giantess was driving down the road and saw it on a truck. You start removing it, and suddenly you're going to get a lot more damaged cars. If you're so offended by words that you have a breakdown at work because someone called the big "Picky-up-a-pallet-machine" a forklift, and your parents died in a tragic fork-related spaghetti incident? The forklift is not the problem.

Have you ever gone to a store that didn't have carts or baskets and you wanted a lot of items? NO. Even tiny convenience stores have baskets for you to carry your stuff in. Have you ever gone to a store that could only process one item at a time so you had to make multiple one-item purchases? NO. That's ridiculous. Even before computers people could write down more than one thing on a receipt! Yet here we are, with online stores that don't have cart systems, don't work on the weekend, or pack their digital shelves with out of stock items, like a school bully waving around the last Snickers bar from the vending machine in your face.

You thought Covid-19 was the most transmissible modern virus? Wrong. There is something much worse out there. It takes hold slowly, leeching into the mind. First you start wanting to change things for no reason, finding fear in the routine instead of comfort. You then start spending money you should be saving for retirement on cruises and trips to Mexico. Then you have kids and realize that you don't want to raise them your self, so they get an iPad and you let school do the raising. You start forgetting that your parents left you tangible things like a house and an inheritance and decide your kids don't need any of that, because you didn't get a helping hand along the way. Then before you know it, you're pissed that you can't retire at 65 because you blew your Roth IRA on two different home renovations in 20 years, so you want your kids to take care of you, but guess what? They don't even know who you are, Robert.

SCUBA divers, dentists, woodworkers, these kinds of people have jobs that require masks. For safety! I'm sure they've had to put up with it for years. But when they clock out or go o break, they can enjoy that nice, fresh air all they want. WRONG. NOT IN 2022, BABY. Everyone gots to mask up, no matter if it hinders your work. You could be pouring sweat, begging for air, but if you pull that mask off, you're getting canned. Fired because your employer made you wear a mask that made you almost die. Nice!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 266 - Beefboozled

As our last episode of 2021, we'd like to take this time to say goodbye to all those that we lost this year. The slicin' and dicin' Ron Popeil, the Ruff Rydin' DMX, the King of Monday Night Football John Madden, the uhhhhhhh best Burt Reynolds Norm McDonald, and much love and RIP to Shock-G and anyone else that ever got busy in a Burger King bathroom, I'm sure you're all dead of Hepatitis A, B, and C by now. But enough of that, let's look forward to next year, where the rest of your childhood heroes will bite the dust. Until then be glad this is the last time this year you'll have to hear about:

- Christmas Garbage
- Sweets
- The Jerky Racket
- New Year's Resolutions

A great man once said "America has always been defined by its excess: the Grand Canyon, professional sports contracts, Wendy's Baconator (extra bacon). I myself have 18 Lamborghinis and a Subaru station wagon. And it's because of this excess that I have flourished. I implore you, please, do no stop profiting. Live for excess, it's the American way." He was right. And with excess comes garbage. A lot of garbage. Packing material, wrapping paper, boxes, bags, plastic molds, zip-ties, batteries, receipts, cards, envelopes, bows, tape. And that's all just for the presents, don't forget the scraps, cans, and boxes that come with cooking your excessive Christmas feast afterwards.

Speaking of excess, even with a holiday devoted to letting kids run around from house to house gathering months worth of candy, we somehow find a way to outdo ourselves during the Christmas holiday season. Just how many deserts did your family have this year? Some cookies, a cake, three pies, banana pudding, peach cobbler, and brownies? Topped off with your candy-filled stocking? It's bad enough for one meal, but then you've got leftovers, and extra leftovers by the person that cooked the cake that only wanted one slice for themselves, so you've got to take the rest. So the next two weeks you're eating dessert every night like a king, then you go back to work and they've got to grease the sides of the door just to get you in, Shamu.

Hey boys, what if we's wuz ta take summa dat beef ova there, cut it up and dry it out, lettin it get all chewy and what not, then charge an arm and a leg for it, despite it being cheap beef that we just let sit around? Sounds like we're in business, the Don'll love it. We'll call it Jerky, on a count a cuz we're being jerks for makin' it cost so much.

Saying you'll do something is not the same as actually doing it. Unfortunately our dumb little lizard brains don't know that, so we get the same good feels from both. That's why we have New Year's Resolutions. Because saying you'll lose that weight, or read that book, or start drawing makes you feel just as good as actually doing it. Everyone loves planning and coming up with ideas for things. But when it comes time to do it? We get an even bigger dopamine hit from cancelling those plans. What weirdos.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Happy New Year, and Condolences to one Dick Masterson, for being Second Best.

Episode 265 - Corn Dogs of the Swamp

Merry Christmas folks! This year Santa is changing it up and going rogue! No more presents, no more coal, no more naughty or nice. Instead, he's playing a new game and it's called Corn Dog or Cattail! Check your stocking on Christmas morning and he's put either a delicious state fair corn dog in there, or a cattail, the very similar looking reed found near ponds! If you get a corn dog, you win! If you get a cattail, you get 12 months of bad luck. Happy Holidays!

- Potlucks
- Dumb Defaults
- The Non-Digital World
- Bubble Mailers

Do you know why they call them potlucks? Because everyone brings their "magical one-pot turkey chili mac" and its the luck of the draw whether you're going to have to stop by Burger King on the way home or not. With casseroles, crock pots, and way too many desserts, potlucks are the worst of American cuisine condensed into what can fit on a folding table. All so we can pretend to have a Not-Thanksgiving with our co-workers or fellow church-goers. The problem is that other people's cooking is so different from yours. If you ask five different people to make the same thing, you'll get five wildly different dishes. Some idiot will put paprika and cinnamon in their brownies, or some schmuck will bring a vegan gluten-free lasagna. If you're lucky you can stick to the store-bought stuff, eat some Lays, some French onion dip, a cookie, then leave and get some real food.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds one day, and instead of just ordering what you wanted, you were given a pre-made order, then had to customize it to your liking. All because some wahoo sued them last year because his specific order was too hard to make, so they had to make it the default instead of catering to 99.9% of their customers. So when I click on "Order History" on a website, I expect a reverse-chronological list of the stuff i've bought. Not a search form, and not a list of unintelligible order numbers.

Look, we're living in a digital world, and I am a digital girl. So when I see some off-the-grid scrub still living in meatspace with his government-subsidized mail system and his paper checks and disgusting, dirty coins, he ain't getting none of this cookie. I need a crypto-having, NFT-rocking, Metaverse daddy that can take me out to the newest VR Disco, where I can jump into my avatar of Goth Garfield and dance all night long with Rick from Rick and Morty, Optimus Prime with a human penis, and Barry White as a sexy anime girl.

Slim piece of paper? Put it in an envelope. Anything bigger? But it in a cardboard box, with plenty of wasteful non-recyclable filler to keep it safe. I'm tired of my items being lazily shoved into bubble mailers that don't offer any protection. Have you seen a beat up shipping box? I've had packages arrive with dents, bootprints, and a letter that said "I'm sorry I used your box to bash in the head of a hooker that stiffed me", and had my items in perfect condition. You can't do that with a bubble mailer. You can't even pop the bubbles! They serve no purpose!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.