Episode 264 - Debris Dildos

What up my fellow CryptoBros? How's it hangin'? Allow me to introduce the HOTTEST NFTS since whatever the last ones were. Introducing: Whale Farts. That's right, you can own your own individual, special recording of a geniune whale fart for just whatever $10,000 USD is. That's right, own your own piece of non-erotic animal flatulence before anyone else gets in to it. Simply email your cryptobits to GetRichQuickPumpAndDumpScheme@computech.serve in the next 24 hours to get yours!

- People Who Think Magic Exists
- Chact Feckers
- Tornadoes
- "Professionals"

Don't you wish you could just take your boss, who ruined his electric car by pouring gasoline into the charging socket, back in time to his sweet little old fifth grade teacher? She smiles as she sees him all grown up ,remembers his name even. Little Bobby McDonald, all grown up, and the boss of a company, how about that. But then you break it to her that he left a bad Yelp review for a restaurant that was out of Diet Coke, and he berated them because he couldn't understand how Coca Cola ran out soda. Then under further asking he revealed that he thought soda machines had soda pumped into them from pipes that ran directly back to the factory? Don't you want to see the disappointment on her face?

People have biases. People program machines. Therefore, machines have biases. You don't think Nathan Bedford Forrest wouldn't program a robot to vaporize non-Marshmallow-Americans on sight if he could? When the US starts making our bombing drones autonomous, flying around the middle east, you don't think the people will start wearing whiteface? So-called "chact feckers" are also biased because the people inputting the facts are biased toward sources, and these sources are also biased, no matter what they say. They should be renamed "Correct Groupthink Checkers".

Tornadoes blow. They suck. But they're a natural phenomena. They've been around as long as winds have. And we live in a country where more than 50% of us get them all the time. Yet, one comes along and wipes out a street and the press treats it like an act of terror. People die and lose their houses, yeah, but what else was going to happen? There was no avoiding it. You can't move the street, we can't control the tornado. Build them a new house then leave them alone. We don't need "Five Years Later" TV specials. We need to figure out how to shoot tornadoes down with rockets.

Ahh so-called "professionals". Those that have the title walk around as if it was given to them in a ceremony by a queen. Instead, it's usually a self-imposed title given to those who have done a job for years and have stopped caring, or those excited young people who now have a career and want to hold it over your head. And wouldn't you know it, these people are exactly the kind to act like little children, making petulant remarks behind your back if not in front of your face, because they know you can't do anything about it. Next time some jackass describes themselves to you as a "professional", I give you permission to give them a very "professional" Glasgow kiss.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 263 - Where's My Money?

We here at HWIDG would like to apologize for this week's Advertisement. It was wrong of us to run a promotion for such a limited time, therefore we are extending the Boner Concealment Promotion until the end of this sentence. Ha got eem!

- Not Paying Your Bills
- People With One-Note Personalities
- Victim Points
- Chinese Superman

You forget a payment to a company and suddenly the world has gone up in flames for them. Late fees, threats of legal action, repossession, eviction, no matter what the issue is. But when they owe you money? Suddenly they're strapped for cash, or their accountant is out of town, or they had a data breach so it's going to take 2 months. Literally any reason not to pay you what you're owed. Did you know that the amount of money from wage theft per year in the US is more than all other types of theft combined? You know, the kind they throw other people into prison for, no questions asked?

Hello, I'm a 32 year old Texas man from Texas City, Texas. I'm 5 foot-Texas and weigh two hundred and Texas pounds. I work at Texas-Mart where we sell Texas-themed items and accessories. My favorite football team is all of the ones from Texas, and I can bench press about 2 whole Texans. My hobbies are being from Texas, telling people I'm from Texas, telling people ABOUT Texas, and making sweet, sweet Texan love at night to my body pillow with a specially commissioned pin-up of an anthropomorphized Texas.

We have Captain America, the brits have Captain Britain, Canada has Alpha Flight, Japan has Ultraman, the point is that superheroes that represent their countries are popular. Every now and then you see a country try to invent some Uncle Sam-type knock off to try and sell propaganda to the kids. And there's always some secret Captain Italy for Steve Rogers to fight, or Indian Spider-Man to pop-up in the Spider-Verse. So when I picked up the Chinese Superman that DC tried to do a few years ago, I should have known it was a cheap cash grab for the "international market". I mean, if Amazon has taught me anything, I should have known that a comic book about a Chinese Superman was just a copy of every other comic book, but with a Chinese name slapped on to it.

Episode 262 - Family

I can't believe it. All our childhood wishes come true! they're real! Transformers are real! Oh boy! Sure, they're just G1 right now, but we must be getting Beast Wars soon, right? How do I get one? No, I'm not talking about Covid, who mentioned Covid, I'm talking about Transformers! Autobots! Decepticons! Maximals! Predacons! What do you mean they're not real? Everyone's talking about them, especially Omicron, he's the coolest. He's like a big planet! A transformer the size of a planet! Oh, wait. His name was Unicron. So they're not real? WELL, THEY'RE STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT.

- Homeless People
- Not Calling Back
- Live Service Everything
- The Rush to Decorate

When you don't own anything, you own everything! The whole world is your oyster! You're free to travel as you see fit! In a boxcar train, going cross country, answering to no one! Sure seems like a great travel pitch doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's more like yell at the voices in your head at the top of your lungs at 5 AM because the devil is trying to make you eat your own leg and there's a shadowman chasing you to steal the soda can you're trying to get 10 cents for the some yahoo comes along starts talking to you, but you know he's part of the secret cabal of alien overlords, so you spit in his eyes, and he arrests you and takes you to a so-called "jail" that you really know is a holding facility for probing, but no one else believes you. And that's just your Saturday morning! Life's an adventure!

Look, we all have phone-phobia at some point. That icky feeling you get when you have to call some one back. It's not important enough that it needs your immediate attention, but it's not a robocall, there's another person on the other side. But you gotta do it. It's just a phone call. And believe it or not, one phone call can be the butterfly flapping its wings of someone's entire life. You not calling them back could create a terrorist. Ever think of that? Worst terrorist attack on the planet. Caused by you. That blood is on your hands. CALL THEM BACK.

In this world of digital connectivity, we can change things at a moment's notice. We can delete a bad tweet that no one saw. We can edit a forum post de-facto to make ourselves seem smarter than we are. And now, companies and creators have that power too. They're starting to change movies and albums long after they've been released. Whether it's Warner Bros putting in a "these cartoons were made in a different time so they're kinda racist" warning before all the Looney Tunes, or Lil Nas X removing a guest verse by Lil Pump on his new single because they have beef now. It's a dangerous slope and methinks we're just getting started. Thanks George Lucas.

What is the earliest you can decorate for Christmas without seeming tacky? These days? Probably October 1st. You know, before Halloween AND Thanksgiving. Even then, the turkey and stuffing is still piping hot when the majority of people decide to decorate their lawns the day after Thanksgiving. More than a month out. I'd like to ask these people what else they plan more than a month out. Birthdays? Do you make reservations for dinner a month before you have it? Oh boy! The season premiere of NCIS is on in 5 weeks, better start planning to watch it!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 261 - 3D Printed Feet

Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of year that you can just engorge yourself and no one minds. Except your pants. Decadent mashed potatoes with a whole stick of butter for garnish, bread that we dried out, then soaked in juice, then dried out again, vegetables covered in cream and cheese and other deep fried vegetables. Not to mention a huge bird, usually relegated to emulsified cold cuts, that cooks unevenly and is 50% bones. But the cherry on top? A can of jellied fruit that we call sauce despite it being sliceable. And don't forget your choice of bread product to sop up all that gravy! So ignore those distant family members as you hoover up your even-larger-than-usual plate, but pace yourself, because next is the GUANTLET OF PIES. Pumpkin, pecan, chocolate peanut butter, cherry, key lime, and not to mention:

- People Telling You How To Do Your Job
- Modern Shoe Design
- Movie Theaters
- CGI Budgeting

The best thing about your job? It's yours. Sure, there may be many like it, but this specific one is yours. It is your best friend. It is your life. You must master it as you must master your life. Your job, without you, is useless. Without your job, you am useless. So when some yahoo off the street does a drive-by "here's how you're supposed to do it" or a "last guy did [BLANK] differently", you should have the god given right to shoot them in the face. You don't go to their job and smack the 72 oz Big Gulp of stupid juice out of their hand, do you?

Why are shoes so ugly these days? Who needs a neon pink and orange pair of sneakers? With velcro straps? And a waveform of an Aphex Twin song on the soles? What's wrong with you people? I'm not sure but you're not half as loony as the PSYCHOS that put WHITE on shoes. ESPECIALLY THE BOTTOM. THAT'S WHERE YOU STEP ON TO ALL THE OTHER COLORS. Even if you lived in Sackshrink, Scandinavia where there was constant snow on the ground 24/7, 365 days out of the year, your white shoes would still be dirty by the third day. That is if you could find them in your size.

Do we need movie theaters anymore? We've got big TVs now. We've got the technology to make popcorn at home and I guarantee you there's a hundred internet articles/video explaining how to get that authentic movie theater taste(hint: it's essence of 16 year old stoner mixed with a spritz of hot dog water). We've got couches and recliners, just like them. We've got nachos that cost one-tenth the price and are twice as good, and candy that doesnt cost a dollar per bite. Not to mention for the price of a large movie drink we can get a 24 pack of our favorite soda. And now we can rent the movie the same weekend it comes out, for about the same price as a ticket and a half. We can pause it to take a leak, pause it to explain to your mom who the bad guy is and why he's doing what he's doing despite the fact that if she would just wait 30 seconds, he's literally about to give the same explanation in the movie. Plus, no strangers. So, you tell me.

Gee, I wonder why this new Justice League movie bombed at the box office. Was it the lack of marketing? Online weirdos creating negativity? The director being replaced? Studio demands mucking up the final edit? THe large amount of emergency reshoots that muddle the tone of the film? Gee I wonder how this could've been prevented. Well, let's look at the budget: Big alien bad guy CGI: 2 million dollars. Cape physics: 1.5 million dollars. Aquaman underwater scenes: 8 million dollars. Removing Henry Cavill's moustache from reshoots, giving him weirdmouth: 650 million dollars. Giant war battle scene: 10 bucks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 260 - I'm Not Stewart

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" your boss asks. You think long and hard. You internally chuckle because of the phrase "long and hard". "Well, hopefully I'm still producing quality content, just like the guys on the Here's What I Don't Get podcast that I listen to every week." Wrong answer. Your boss draws a gun on you. Surprise, he's an FBI agent and you've been lured in by our honeypot of a podcast. This is the last time a sleeper agent will infiltrate a handle factory ever again. "It was you all along, Dave! Dammit, I loved you like a son! But that all changed once I heard you whistling 'The Loco-Motion' this week" cries your boss, Reg. You were like a son to him, and he like a father to you. He'd take you to baseball games and buy you a hot dog every time you hit those quarterly milestones. He took you out for drinks when Sharon left you. But that's all gone now. All because Tab Birt made a peepee joke. And you still think it's funny, don't you, you sick bastard. Well, I guess you'll have plenty of time to laugh at it while you rot away in an FBI blacksite.

- Public Restrooms
- Not Following Through
- Rocket Science
- Talking At the Theatre

How come every time some atheists try to put up a statue of Belphegor, Asmodeus, or Beelzebub himself the entirety of the church and community fight it tooth and nail, yet there sits hundreds of designs of Satan in the city all around them in the form of public restrooms. Every other sink/soap dispenser/dispenser is ALWAYS broken, privacy is an afterthought, and the toilet paper is one-quarter ply. Even the clean ones are bad. A lock that doesn't go all the way so you're forced to stretch out your arm to bar it off, or a weirdly shaped bowl and/or seat. Public restrooms are Satan incarnate!

Life happens. Kids this, spouse that. Doctor appointments, and emergency room visits. Grandpas die and so do dogs. Surprise stomach flus and risky buffet oyster poos. But somehow people follow through. You move things around, you push through, or lose some sleep, but you fulfill that promise. That's a person you can count on. Others? they're flakes. They've had seventeen grandparents die, are constantly under the weather, and are always tired. Well guess what, I'm tired too! But I'm here at work despite that! Screw you!

Do you know how a rocket works? How to build and design one so that it does its job well? No? Well that's alright, all you need to know is HOT FRYING OIL = PAIN. If you can handle that you can flip burgers. Every job has its intricacies and specialized equipment that you have to learn, but that's usually not ALL of the job. There's basic skills and common sense that all jobs require, yet we all know someone who thinks their computer screen IS the computer, or someone that tried to clean an entire bathroom with a mop, or tried to make medium rare chicken strips. Somehow these people survive, despite their best efforts.

My own personal conspiracy theory? Lincoln was a theater talker. Mary Todd was tired of him asking "Is Hamlet the boy or the girl?" or "Why isn't Oedipus Rex a dinosaur?" so she hired John Wilkes Booth to blow his brains out the next time he asked a dumb question at full volume in a theater. Not as exciting as him being a secret vampire hunter, but much more realistic. How many vampire hunters have you run into versus idiots that can't shut up in a theater? "Who's the guy in the suit?" IT'S IRON MAN YOU DAFT BIMBO, MAYBE DON'T GO SEE IRON MAN SEVEN WITHOUT AT LEAST SEEING A TRAILER, OR JUST WAIT FIVE SECONDS I'M SURE THEY'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION BECAUSE THIS IS WHO GOES TO THE MOVIES I GUESS NOW, JESUS CHRIST.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 259 - VS. The Sun

You have been called together today because you are the best in your respective fields. It will take the greatest strategic and scientific minds we have to face this problem. What is this foe we face? The sun. For too long us humans have had to deal with invasive rays of light waking us up far too early. Or blinding brightness while we drive. Sometimes the temperature even gets mildly uncomfortable. We cannot stand for this! So, after attempted peace talks went nowhere last month, I have created this Anti-Solar unit to fight the big bastard that makes you want a cold glass of lemonade after working in your yard all day. The reason the bikini was invented! Hold on.... where are you going?! Get back here! Well, I guess I gotta do this alone. Hoorah!

- Messing with Time
- Unwarranted Nicknames
- Not Seeing Propaganda
- Right Click Victims

Time is a very fickle mistress. There's a reason all time travel stories end up having a "oh no I messed with time too much and I'm in the nightmare future" part of their stories. All of them. It's more than a trope, it's a fact of life. You don't mess with time. Yet here we are. Twice a year. Poking the sleeping bear. And for what? Farmers? Please. I know farmers. If farmers wanted more time to work the fields, they'd be there. Not lobbying congress to play with clocks. One of these days, I tell you. You're going to wake up in the nightmare future where Arnold was in Rocky and Stallone was The Terminator. That doesn't sound too bad, but you're forgetting the part where in this universe, Zelda is a girl.

Nicknames are granted to you. No one makes up their own nickname, that never works. They come from inside jokes with friends or sometimes from necessity due to a common name, but usually they take time. When you start tacking "-y Boy" and "-o" to the end of names of people you just met, it looks foolish. Insubordinate and churlish. I understand that some people are bad with names or deal with so many people it's hard to keep track of, but at that point I'd rather just be called dude, or guy, or "hey you there".

What's it going to take for people to open their eyes to the real world around them? They've got to get mad. Mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore. That's what it takes to break through the barrier of propaganda. No one will do anything until it personally affects them. Otherwise it's smooth sailing, drinking that government-supplied truth juice every morning and night. "There's no way the people that are supposed to protect me are also harming me." The answer's in that statement. Get harmed.

Look, we all know NFTs are dumb. Well, all of us except the weirdoes into them and that's the problem. You can be into something and understand it's a dumb thing to be into. Or at least a waste of money. But these jackasses have done a 180 and are now whining that people can right click-> save as their JPEGs. Even threatening legal action! Either because they don't understand what NFTs even are, or because it's a last ditch effort to pretend that their not wasting their money on receipts of JPEGs. If there's a new kind of victim there might just be someone that wants to save them, and *that* is a dangerous thought.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 258 - Shake, Squeeze, & Squirt

Now that November is here, it's time to hibernate! Get out of the cold and bundle up next to your extremely flammable space heater, turn on your favorite streaming service and binge, binge, binge. Because that's the American way. What could be more American than veg-ing out on the hot new series while avoiding friends and work just so you'll have something to talk to your cousin about in between bites of way too much pie after eating out of way too many different casserole dishes? America, where our salads consist of Mayonnaise, Cheese, Bacon, and a "flavor packet".

- Data Wars
- Not Leaving it at Home
- Taking Things Too Seriously
- The "Rye" Prosecution

The year is 2033, the fifth year of the war. Try as we might, the battle drones of Googazon overtake our forces more and more. The new update made them impervious to all kinetic rounds, just our luck. They hit a key data center last night, snuffed out Cpl. Robertson just like that. Said it was an old post that said "First lol. if yur not 1st, ur GAY". He will be missed, but we must press on. The search for Private James continues. The last message he was able to send said they were torturing his fellow POWs with their purchase histories, those bastards. Hold tight, men. We're coming. Roku Resistance leader Sergeant Birt, out.

At even the most menial jobs there should be an amount of professionalism present. Your customers don't care that your wife was a bitch last night or if your kid is acting up in school. Neither do your co-workers. You've got to learn to be a different person at work than at home. Bringing the baggage of your personal life in makes everyone around think less of you. If you're standing around moping because you got dumped, you're better taking the day off, not actively inhibiting other people's work.

People take their competitive hobbies way too seriously. Like sports. Sometimes it seems like the hardcore viewers are more immersed in the game than anyone actually playing. How many bar fights break out because of sports? Guy insulted the quarterback, so you're going to literally murder him? You're going to go to jail for 25+ years because some guy you don't know said something bad about some other guy you don't know? You're in too deep, man!

If dozens of seasons of Law and Order have taught me anything, it's that justice is represented by scales because just a little slip into the pocket of one side or the other will cause the scales to tip that way. The court system is a dog and pony show where the overpaid lawyers fight over definitions of words and other little quibbles in order to sway a jury that is no way impartial because its made up of people that can't be bothered to lie or get out of jury duty. So, despite classic works like Frankenstein and every story it has influenced, like The Simpsons Movie, looks like mob justice is the way to go now.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 257 - DUNC

HWIDG is proud to announce that we're changing our name to more closely align with how we feel the podcast will be going in the future. Today we're announcing: DUNC Talk. Going forward, DUNC Talk will be your one stop shop for all news and media related to DUNC, the new hit IP. What is DUNC? Is it a movie? An NFT? A food? We don't know, but it's going to be big, so get ready for loads and loads of DUNC, starting with:

- Christmasember
- Not Understanding How Things Work
- Horror Sequels
- Redhead Erasure

Imagine if you were sitting at a restaurant having a nice dinner. You're sitting there snacking on the free bread or rolls, when you see your waiter approach with a plate of hot, delicious entrees. As you take your first bite of delicious medium rare steak the waiter then brings out a plate of dessert items, and before you have a chance to protest, they shove a slice of cheesecake into your mouth. And you can't complain because everyone else around you seems not to care. It's that you don't like cheesecake, but you want it when it's time to have it. If you have cheesecake all the time, it loses its luster. Bit more and more, people are skipping over dinner and going straight to cheesecake, skipping over that delicious steak.

In this world of information at a touch, you'd think that people would have more knowledge on how things work. Car broke down? Google it and diagnose your problem. But instead certain people just don't have the mental capacity for such "useless" things. We've got all this information, but also all these people that don't want to learn anything, so we've also got instant problem solvers. Computer crashed? Take it to GeekSquad. Do this every time because you can't be bothered to not click links in random emails sent to you. How does my car work? I put gas in and the pedal makes the gas go into the little creature in the engine, and he farts out speed into the wheels.

Look, as much as we love horror franchises and their bounty of sequels, the originals are great for a reason. It's very few and far between when a horror equal, let alone surpass the original. For most of them the sequels are just an excuse to do it again, with a fresh batch of kids to kill, or a new family to haunt, in a new location that gets wackier and wackier as they go on. It's the horror problem. The bad guys are stars, so the rest of the cast can't shine, but it would be boring if they didn't fight back, but they can't kill the bad guy for good, or else no sequel, and even if they do the "last" one, ten years later there's a remake/requel in the wings.

Hollywood has figured out a new formula. Take your comedic relief/scrappy kid/ love interest redhead and replace them with a black (but not too black) person. As long as they're not the main character, what is this, BET? It's fine it's not like red hair is the rarest hair type, and there definitely aren't non-white people with red hair. And it's just hair! There's no way that red hair has been used to persecute people, therefore all these fictional redheads have absolutely no problems, right? Red hair has also definitely never been used as shorthand for defining a character's persona. Hair can't be fire, you're crazy!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 256 - T.J. Hooker In Space

Due to a severe pumpkin carving accident, Tab is unable to join the podcast this week, and under similar but unrelated circumstances, Tim is unable to join as he is currently confined to county jail for drunkenly attempting to re-handle a car. Fortunately the hosts were able to dictate their general thoughts on what they would be discussing and using a high end artificial intelligence, we were able to construct a makeshift episode using a library of voice lines by famous actors. So, here's Episode 256, as voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone:

- Counter-Advertising
- Acceptance Speeches
- The Small Penis Frontier
- The Worst Decision Ever

Controversy sells. So what happens when certain people decide to make everything a controversy? Well, the people that make those controversies make more money! It's quite simple, actually. Just make a bunch of stuff, hope someone says the wrong thing for the current political landscape, then brush it off. Tell the people yelling at you that you're sorry and that you care, while also doubling down and selling it to the other side. Companies do not care about you. They don't care about your political or social beliefs, as long as you give them money. The less you care about them, the better off you'll be.

Acceptance speeches should be about 15 seconds long. "Thank you, I worked hard. Thanks to all the people who supported me." They should not be a platform for your political beliefs, or even worse, a run down of your life story. No one cares about your spouse, or your dumb kids, or how many people you worked with and their life stories. Just be humble, take the thing and get the hell off the stage so the rest of us can leave here sooner.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk has been to space. Of course he has, we've seen 3 seasons and 6 movies of him in space. But, now, he truly has. Shatner did it. He didn't build a spaceship in his backyard, engineer a launch and pilot it himself, but by being an icon that influenced many an astronaut, he was awarded a seat on one of Jeff Bezos' trips. And he was humbled by the experience, you could tell it in his lack-of-words. You know who wasn't humbled by the experience? Bezos. The small, Blue Man Group reject, looked down on Earth from orbit and thought, "wow, I own so much of that, I'm the coolest person ever". Oh how I wish Shatner would have Kirk-Fu'd his ass out of the airlock.

Have you ever come across a decision so mind-bendingly stupid, so vehemently dumb, that you had to lay down and think about the series of decisions in life that led you to that point? How it felt like seeing one of the world wonders but in the opposite way? How it made you think about the chaos that is the universe and how it formed the perfect planet to sustain life, and that life then evolved over millions of years into humans who invented civilization, and that socio-political changes drove masses of people here and there and eventually you were born to witness this stupidity of gargantuan proportions?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 255 - All According to Plan

Well, with World War 3 on the horizon, we here at HWIDG would like to wish you the best in the coming apocalypse. Whether it be Mad Max style resource-gangs getting in shootouts over Mountain Dew, Fallout style atomicpunk restructuring, or a Walking Dead-esque epidemic of zombies and bad writing, we hope you have half as much fun burning the roving gimpsuit gangs as you do listening to the Ham Radio-exclusive Here's What I Didn't Get, where we bask in the glory of our pre-apocalyptic times, and the new Here's What I Don't Get About Scavenging in the Wasteland where we scream about how we miss Sunny D and Little Debbie Cakes. So saddle up your zombie horse/Robotron/sawblade-shooting VW Bus, and dial in to 443.85 and join us!

- Resignations
- Not Being Able to Take a Punch
- Version 1.0
- Translation Accuracy

Imagine a series of bank robberies. The most heinous the country has ever seen. Dozens killed, hundreds of millions stolen. All by one man the police can not catch. Then, he slips up. Something goes wrong during the latest heist and he gets surrounded by cop cars outside. He's finally been caught. He drops his gun, the money and walks outside, arms raised. The police yell at him that he's under arrest, to lay down and be taken into custody. Instead, he simply says "I'm sorry for my actions. I know they were wrong now. I hereby resign as a robber." In Universe A he gets pelted by a barrage of gunfire for resisting arrest and is the first person to legally die of lead poisoning from gunfire. In our universe, he's a politician too, so it's okay and he goes home and collects his pension.

If you are going to put something out into the public for other people, you have to be willing to take criticism. And because it's the internet, that criticism will not be served to you on a light and fluffy cloud, no it comes in a jar filled with barbed wire and salt. And you better listen. Those are your fans. They want you to be successful, but you've hurt them in some way and need to fix it or lose them. It's that simple. You punch me, I punch back, harder, and you either run away or you can take it like a man and accept it.

Version 1.0 is great when it releases. Maybe its groundbreaking, even. But it never lasts. No one watches black and white silent films anymore. They're functionally the same thing, yet obsolete. Super Mario Bros. is a classic. Any fun these days? Not really. Want some home defense? Why not try a musket from 1775? Because it sucks! Move on, old people. The future is now.

So, as it turns out, language isn't just words. Crazy, eh? It's interweaved with history and culture, and changes with the time and as it spreads. So when some pedant complains about translation or localization that isn't machine-like and actually accommodates for its audience, and that it "ruins the author's intent" tell them to sit down, shut up, and eat their hamburgers, Apollo.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 254 - Detroit Rock City

This week on WHAT WAS THAT? YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP SON! our two old men are at it again! With an industrial-sized tub of Ben Gay, a fresh stack of adult diapers, and a 2 LB bag of Werther's Originals, these grumpy old men are ready to... to.... what was it we were doing again? Where am I? Who are you? I've got to get back to base! I am Sergeant Handlebreaker with the U.S. Air Force and I am commanding you to stand down! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! Remember to call in if you want to leave a voicemail or talk to the ghost of Johnny Carson that lives in a potato. TURN THE SET BACK ON, THE VIRGINIAN IS ON! Back to you, Chet.

- Getting Old
- The Hate Rectangle
- Legacy IP
- Trust the Plan

Thirty isn't old, we know. Doesn't mean we can't channel our inner Walter Matthau though! I'm sure you olds that listen to the podcast are scoffing at our bodies slowly deteriorating to the level of your own while we're still living large without acid reflux and kidney stones. Well, we'll get you an ice pack while we can. Sooner or later we'll be the ones laying on the floor groaning about lumbar support or something or other.

Live music is awesome. One of the best experiences you can have in your life. The physical air being pushed toward you by ginormous speakers, the electricity in the air as you eagerly wait for the band to take the stage, being hit in the chest by the drummer's stick, the smell of the devil's lettuce wafting in from outside mixing with the beer about to be sloshed onto you by a drunk oldhead, the smile the frontman gives you as you sing along to the words he wrote. It's more than just sound and lights. So, the best way to experience it? Watching the video your buddy took during a show, his phone pointed at the jumbotron, while he missed all of this, so he can post it on Facebook, out of focus most of the time, the music overloading his phone's tiny speakers.

IP is king. It's why Lord of the Rings is happening AGAIN. Horror movie slightly successful? 5 sequels in 7 years. And a TV show. Successful movie from 20 years ago? TV series reboot. Screw up the last season of your ultra-popular TV show, you better fast-track that prequel series. Yet, I'm sure Hollywood has 50 years of optioned scripts from thousands and thousands of books that they could produce at a moment's notice. Someone has their next Star Wars or Harry Potter movie sitting in a desk in their office that has a post-it on it that says "Call me back when you hit 5 million sold".

Has anything you ever planned gone just the way you imagined it? Congratulations, then. But what's your rate of success? One in a million? One in one hundred even? You can't successfully plan for anything that involves more than just yourself. People are chaotic beings that follow their own sense of whimsy, their own rules and their playing a game of 8D chess you can't even fathom. Or they're playing with a laser pointer like a cat. And everything in between and none of them are games you even vaguely realize. There is one plan in our universe, and it's "there is no plan".

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 253 - Crango

Introducing... Crango! The same great tastes you love from cranberries and mango, now combined into a mysterious new fruit! Why is it pitch black? We don't know, but that's how they come! It's totally safe! Why are they perfectly triangular? We also don't know, I guess they grow that way!  Are they available unshelled? Don't worry, the crunchiness is a natural defense mechanism the Crango evolved in the wild! Why are they so expensive? The new Crango is actually a delicacy ,and until we find a way to import them in batch instead of one by one, the price will stay high. Isn't that awfully inefficient and bad for the environment? What do you mean? Have YOU switched over to solar yet? Do YOU turn off the lights when you leave a room for more than 15 minutes. You know, as individuals we need to worry less about a freight ship travelling around the world for a single fruit and more on what we can do ourselves to help the environment! Crango!

- Foreign Language Classes
- Low Power Microwaves
- Van Life
- More Free Things, Please
- The Fall Tease
- Mango
- Custom Tools
- Constant Upselling

Hola, me llamo person that took 4 years of Spanish in high school-o. Sorry, that's all I got. I'd probably have been better off learning from Taco Bell commercials. Live mas? I'd like to live mucho mas, but I can't balance my checkbook. What yo would really quiero is someone to teach me about taxes and things i'll actually use instead of four years wasted on seeming cultured.

If you're so strapped for cash that you can't invest in a microwave that spits out at least 1000 watts of power, you really need to rethink your life. Hell, you'd probably get to work earlier if you had, that frozen breakfast bowl would only take a minute and a half instead of six minutes and still be cold in the middle.

Remember in history when we thought that living out of your car was a cool thing that cool people did? No? Hmmmm. Then why do these people with enough money to live a comfortable normal life want to live out of a van just so they can upload a picture of a lake to Instagram every other weekend? Small spaces suck, and unless you're a clean freak, it's won't be so hot come week 5 when you can't find a laundromat that takes Bitcoin.

Imagine the audacity of someone to walk into a McDonalds and demand a free Big Mac because their friend got a free Whopper last year sometime. That's what people who play F2P games that complain about not getting even more free things sound.

The Summer knows its time is over. But like a bad tenant, he's trying every loophole he can to hold on to that sweet rental space. And just as Fall gets his foot in the door, the government passes another eviction moratorium on Seasons. Get the hell out of there, ya bum!

Big Mango is up to something I tell ya. It's everywhere now. Did they find a landfill's worth and can't sell them? Was there a science breakthrough on "natural Mango flavor"? Just like "strawberry kiwi" before it, the powers that be are cramming this fruit into EVERYTHING. But the biggest offender? Mango salsa. I want fruit in my salsa as much as I want a barbed knife in my eye.

Hex, torx, triangle bit, spanner, spline, hell I think there's a screw bit that is a miniaturized portrait of the Mona Lisa, but they all got to go. We don't need your custom screw head for "security reasons", we need it to be a standard head so we can fix it.

There must be people that just subscribe to every premium service out there to shut up the ads about signing up for it that they absolutely bombard free users with. Pop ups, emails, texts, just nonstop begging for your money. Well, they aint gonna get it. Out of spite. I'll be the last to convert.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 252 - More Beer!

Check out the Video Episode!

It's Fall now. I don't care what you say. We had the sneak preview, and now it's here, so chug a bunch of Claritin and get your carving kit out because some horny teens just moved in next door and you've got to stop them. While you're carefully hanging up the dead bodies in order to scare the virgin last girl, think about what went wrong in your life that got you here. Was it being drowned in a lake for being ugly? Was it dying in a fiery blaze because you like to touch kids? Or maybe because you're a magical midget that likes mayhem? Perhaps it was even one of these:

- True Crime Internet Detectives
- Not Enough Beer
- The Man Behind The Wizard
- Third Party Support Sites

Every now and then a 'girl next door' young blonde woman from Ohio pisses her boyfriend off enough or catches the attention of a crazed lunatic and for weeks all the news can talk about is the search for her. And with the rise of the internet, some people have started to take on the case themselves! Searching through social media and making a timeline of her movements in the lamest form of vigilante justice possible. Do they ever find the guy and go beat his ass? No. They find the wrong guy and get him arrested at work. But you know who could actually find all these missing white women? Batman. Not himself of course, I'm sure if Batman was real, he'd just have the Batcomputer solving all these cases in a minimized tab while he trolls through the local orphanage for his next Robin.

Outdoor festivals, what are they? They're cordoned off public areas that it's okay to get drunk in! Do you think its okay to run out of beer at one of these 2/3rd of the way through the day? What if you went to Six Flags and they stopped half the rides at 2 PM? You'd be pissed! Are there a dozen other things to do or see there? Yeah, but we all know what you're there for. What if all the rides were at the very back of the park and not spread throughout? That's just more poor planning. And it's not like this is the first time! You'd think they could fix this and make it better and more efficient year after year, but what do I know.

When you create a character or persona, it's important not to break the illusion. It's why when you go see a play and Hamlet stabs someone he doesn't stop, turn to the audience and say "Don't worry folks, I didn't really stab him, we're actors and this sword is a fake!" It's why kids cry when the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume pulls off his giant head. They don't care about the park employee, they want pure, unadulterated Mouse. Similarly, I don't need to know that you're depressed, or you want me to donate to a GoFundMe for your sick cousin, or even that you're on vacation so you won't be active for the next 2 weeks. You post dumb fake movie quotes, you're not a public servant.

You know that feeling you get when you go to a restaurant and the service is above and beyond your expectations? Or when the guy at the store you're at actually cares about what he sells and can give you great advice? That's great customer service. Unfortunately it's the 0.01% of all customer service experiences. More and more companies are moving support to third party services that handle 150 other companies already with a phone farm in Mumbai. "Josh" from SupportCo doesn't know and doesn't care about your very specific use case of a very expensive piece of equipment, he just wants his $1.25 an hour.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 251 - Thanks O.J.!

Check out the video episode! 

Webster's dictionary defines the number 251 as "the natural number between 250 and 252", but it is so much more than that. It's also the second number after 249 and the second number before 253. It is also the mass number of the element Californium which was discovered in a wastebasket of a green room the day after a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. But perhaps most importantly, the 251st episode of Star Trek is "Timescape" in which Data outright calls Deanna Troi a ho, and what, my friends, is better than that? So find your closest robot friend and get ready to call out the closest hussies as we discuss:

- Celebrity Gossip Pipeline
- Satellite TV
- Flaggots
- Non Fan Complaints

Celebrities! They're like a whole different species to us plebeians. How could we possibly understand their lives? With a bevy of 24/7 information on them! What are they eating and drinking? Who are they going out with? What kind of dump did they take last night? Any info you want on a celebrity is now available for the low, low cost of your soul. Every peek of a tabloid or TMZ news post chips away at your essence. Go read a book or learn a trade with all the time you spend wondering what brand of deodorant Jennifer Lawrence buys.

Stuff from space is awesome. Bar none. Spaceships. Aliens. Symbiotes. Phasers. TV. Except that last one. Don't get me wrong, the concept of getting your TV from a satellite in space is sweet, but it comes with some severe disadvantages. Turns out the weather is in between here and space, and since satellite already is geared towards those outside city centers who can't have cable run to their house, you're now stuck in the middle of nowhere without TV because of a little cloud. And I guess the satellite people think that folks out in the country are worrying 24/7 about not being able to go to the store to buy things if their wagon breaks down because approximately 78 percent of its programming is trying to directly sell you something.

People can't just not like things anymore. They have to stop everyone else from seeing it, instead of using the tools they've been given to not see it themselves. They are the kid in elementary school that tells the teacher because the comic book you're reading says "damn" in it. The kind of person that calls 911 on a jaywalker on an empty street. The crazy vegan that throws their food at the employees because something they didn't order has eggs in it.

Non-fans don't have rights. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. I have no reason to be upset if they made Slimer hot in the new Ghostbusters movie because A) I'm a grown man and Ghostbusters is for children and manlets and B) I have no stake in it! If I threw a hissy fit about it, I'd be getting mad just to get mad, and you don't want to be that kind of person. There are too many other things to actually be mad about than things you don't actually care about.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 250 - Five Star Pull

Check out the Video Episode!

Five years strong and growing! Thanks to all out listeners and supporters, and shoutout to Flinstones Vitamins for keeping our bones healthy! As we snort another batch, let us regale you with our tales of nerd rage about:

- Zombieland: Double Tap
- Mobile Game Economy
- A Lack of Visible Artistry
- Collectibles

A bad sequel can be just that. But a bad sequel to a movie you didn't love in the first place? Well, that can just ruin your whole frame of reference for the original. A combination of annoying characters, a lack of laughs, and a general blandness to the whole thing leaves Zombieland 2 kinda like a zombie that ran into a tree and can't get free. It's a bad version of something that already wore out its welcome.

Whether it's medieval fantasy, dinosaurs, superheroes, or scantily clad anime babes, you can bet that the hot new mobile games will rely on multiple timers, forms of currency, and lootboxes. 1 Gold Box is 1.99, but 5 Gold Boxes is 7.99. And 50 Gold Boxes for 69.99 is the BEST OFFER! Well, it's the best offer if you like krill. These games can get by with 5 million people that don't drop a dime into it. That's what the ads are for. But that 0.000001% of users? The whales that drop a fat hundo every day just on the chance they can get an ultra rare 5 star Deadpool? That's where the money's at. And those are the people they care about. You're a serf.

Ever see a good ventriloquist act? There's a guy with his hand in a puppet's ass the whole time. But if he's good he can really make it feel like he's talking to a whole-ass person. I know Rowlf the Dog and The Swedish Chef are puppets. My brain knows that Jim Henson was under a table or some rig puppeteering them, but dammit, they're real to me! I can ignore the visible seams in the construction if the content is good enough. But these days, there are no seams. Everything is pristine digital perfection, but it's made by robots. I'll take a dude in a suit over it any day.

Ah collectibles. Your childhood items that ended up in your trash when you moved, your parent's attic, or on the other side of the country in someone else's trash when they moved, really go for a fortune these days. That old issue of Batman was the first appearance of Tim Drake! And instead of some modern day speculator manchild freak, you read the shit out of that comic book! You lent it to a friend, who spilt grape soda on a page, but you tore it out cause it was just an ad for Castlevania 3 which you already had. You actually used the thing. It wasn't some artificially rare issue, or some factory churned out vinyl doll that'll end up the next Beanie Babies, it was a thing you used and enjoyed like a regular person. Too bad sucker, now a 9.8 CGC graded copy goes for $350.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 249 - Kebert Xela (feat. Tyrone Watermelon)

Check out the Video Episode! 

On this week's episode we talk about that mistake that has plagued us for 20 years. 20 years ago our great nation's leaders made a terrible decision and it has now, finally come to bite us in our rear. The wake of destruction it has caused is immeasurable. Of course I'm talking about the 2001 film Freddy Got Fingered. A supposed "comedy" film, this waste of time and money was thrust upon Americans and for the last 20 years has been a black mark on our great nation's history. It's so bad, that I'm pretty sure it's responsible for something that happened about 5 months after its box office debut. So join us in reveling that we may never see it again, along with:

- Jeopardy Host Debacle
- The U.S. Dollar
- People That Don't Value Pets

Who's going to be the new host of Jeopardy? Well, no one at this rate. All these prospective hosts are getting shot down like flies by the cancel gun. People want the perfect person, as if Trebek wasn't absolutely hammered during filming, being half a beer away from an on-air Bill O'Reilly moment. There's never going to be your unicorn. So just pick a non-serial killer that has a modicum of charm and get going or else we're going to have to wait another 10 years until Weird Al makes a new Jeopardy-themed parody.

Dollars. Bucks. Greenbacks. Simoleans. Smackeroos. C-notes. Dead Presidents. Whatever you call them, they're a dying product. Most of the world's money is a jar of IOUs that get traded around and stapled to other IOUs as interest. Your bank account? Not actually money. Your taxes? Not actually money, but if you don't pay them, the government comes after you for real money to pay them the fake money they owe someone else but won't themselves pay off. It's like that guy that always borrows five bucks from you and swears he'll make it up at the casino when he hits it big. And the unban him.

Pets are not children. They are also not replaceable vermin just because pet shops exist and grandpa shops don't. You take care of them and they take care of you. They truly become family members in their times with us. Except your cat wont go on a racist rant at Thanksgiving. You ae their whole world for as long as you are lucky to have them. Love your pets, folks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 248 - Mutagenic Nightmare

Check out Gabbin about Godzilla!

Plus check out the video episode! 

In honor of HWIDG's upcoming 5th anniversary, we will be releasing a new version of the podcast to celebrate. This new version will include 500+ sound effects including airhorns, DJ drops, crying babies, and farts. Also, fishing.

- Skyrim's House of Cards
- Alex Kurtzman's Re-Signing
- Adapting the Worst
- Insular Movie Communities

Skyrim's engine is a 1997 Ford Fiesta. For years it ran just fine. But as it got older it got harder and harder to keep it working as well as every other new car. Fourteen years later, you sell it off, and the new owner decides to turn it into a drag racer. But you've patched it and replaced parts so often that the new owner just barely gets his project completed. And it barely runs. It sputters at start and backfires every minute or so. But people like it! It's a really fun ride. In fact it's so fun that people want to work on the car, fix its problems. But then some want to change its paint scheme. Or change its tires. Or make it amphibious. Or add a supercharger. Or turn it into a tank. and some people want to go for a ride after every single one of these changes is made. And they expect it to break world records.

If the janitor at your local grocery store was known for shitting in his hand and throwing it around the store and smearing it on all the produce, would you expect him to be rehired? What if he was pissing in the cereal and calling it Cheerios 2.0? What if the owner of the store pretended that a feces-covered banana and a bowl of piss-soaked cereal were part of a healthy breakfast? Would you still visit that store, or would you go back to the store across town that didn't do any of that?

Coming to a theater near you: a biographical picture for the ages! One of history's greatest stars, the king of rock and roll himself, Elvis Presley as you've never seen him before. From visionary director James Cameron comes the life of the King at his best. No music, no movies, no Las Vegas. This groundbreaking picture presents Elvis in his most human moments. Picking his nose, scratching his butt, throwing up drugs from the toilet's point of view. Alongside three hours stunningly recreated in-mouth shots of each peanut butter banana sandwich the King ever consumed, it's the best biopic of Elvis to ever grace the screen!

There's something to be said for ranking and judging a series in comparison to its various versions. But eventually there exists a sect of fans that forego all outside judgement and solely bases their thoughts on each new addition to the franchise on it simply existing. "Batman's in the new Batman movie, so it's automatically better than the baby Marvel movies!" These fans are so blinded by their love for fictional characters, that they can't believe that these characters could be involved in a less than stellar product!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 247 - Nosing My Palate

Check out the Video Episode! 

For the first time in our county's history, the impossible has happened. A cruel, vindictive man has rigged an election in his favor. Tab Birt is charged with one count of election fraud and one count of vote tampering for his interference in a local whiskey tasting event. His whiskey license has been revoked and he is now absolved of his right to purchase and consume any whiskey or whiskey-based products. He is currently at large. He is armed and dangerous. If you or anyone you know have knowledge of his whereabouts we urge you to call 1-800-867-5309 with any tips you may have.

- Whiskey Tasting
- Always Being Connected
- Illusion of Stock
- Armchair Generals

Take a bunch of grains, mash 'em up, boil 'em, collect that sweet vapor, and what do you get? The cause and solution to all of man's problems. Add a dash of pretentious asshole and you get an overpriced whiskey tasting event where you get cold, (actually) bloody steak and a WHOLE OUNCE of whiskey. A WHOLE OUNCE. To taste and savor! All while an ascot-wearing turd nugget mansplains taxes to you while his suit jacket is straining against his Covid gut. But remember, he's not there to tell you HOW to enjoy whiskey, just to swindle you out of 100 dollars and far too much of your time.

Our phones are to us as laser pointers are to cats. It bleeps and lights up and we freak out and paw at it. All for what? Notifications that your second cousin uploaded a photo of his weekly trout fishing trip, or that some person you met in college and had to do a group project with is on their second divorce and fifth kid? An email offering you 25% off something you don't want? An Amazon notification that the package you just got handed has been delivered? It's all noise.

Imagine going to a specialty store in search of something specific. Let's say you want a bottle of Laphroaig 10 Year Scotch, so you head down to your local liquor store. You ask the guy in the store for "Laphroaig 10" and he comes back with an armful of wine and vodka. You say, that's not "Laphroaig 10", that's not even whiskey! "Yes", he replies "but they are alcoholic beverages, and that's what you're looking for." That guy should be fired from his job, right? Yet Amazon, eBay, Walmart, and every other online store gets away with padding their search results like this.

If I want to take part in the decisions going on in a war, I'm going to go play RISK. What I'm not going to do is spew my Call of Duty-level knowledge of the military industrial complex over Twitter. Opinions are like buttholes, everyone's got them, and in 2021 more people than ever love sharing in-depth views of them online.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 246 - Nipple Reattachment Surgery

Check out the video episode! 

This week on Podcast Crimes, how well do you know your fans? For every diehard fan out there that is a normal Joe Schmo, there lurks the possible John Wayne Gacy of podcast fans. The small town of Saratoga in Wyoming recently had a crisis on their hands when there was a spree of vandalism. The police, despite setting up cameras to catch the criminal behind these heinous acts, were dumbfounded when each morning they were sent a package of freshly broken door handles. But with the help of a forensics expert, they were led to the home of Robert Karns, where they found a literal trove of handles in his basement. After he was apprehended, he only ever spoke one phrase: "No more handles". Chilling. Join us next week as we explore other podcasts and their totally real, actual, crazy fans.

- Enhanced Cleaning Procedures
- The Death Warrant of HWIDG
- Elon Musk
- Asterisks

There's a reason the Handlebreaker doesn't like martinis. Tab made me one once and the combination of floral gin, lemon, and bad vodka reminded me of drinking the bottom of a jar of Lysol wipes. That's not a flavor I like to associate with my mouth area, especially during a sit down meal. You don't put out all of your kitchen sink cabinet cleaning products when you have guests over for dinner do you? You make fish tacos and serve them with a side of RAID?

How do you introduce suspense into any action movie? Add a ticking clock element! Knowing Batman only has a few seconds to save Harvey Dent from the Joker amps up the action! So, as any good film does, we have now introduced a ticking clock to HWIDG! What's going to happen? Will the show end? Will it go on? Find out in a year or two!

Elon Musk is the real life Tony Stark. The problem with that is that we don't live in a comic book world where the billionaire tech guy gets a new lease on life and starts to use his riches for good. Instead we have the asshole egoist that wants to solve the world's problems five things at a time. Do we need self-landing rockets? Do we need self-driving electric cars when neither electric cars nor self-driving cars have been perfected yet? Do we need a giant sci-fi not-flamethrower? What about a giant interconnected network of underground tunnels with trains in them? No.

No one wants the truth it seems. We live in a world of asterisks.  Batteries not included, some assembly required, etc. Any number you read on a package is the peak theoretical highest and never an example of average use. That hard drive has a write speed of 5000 gigabytes! That's amazing! Yeah, well it peaked at 4,950 for a fraction of a second in one test out of twenty. Ta-da!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 245 - It's Turbo Time

Check Out the Video Episode!

In what some are calling the "Canonball Run" of podcasting, we present to you the absolute fastest produced episode of this show yet! Live (in the past) from the road, Tab regales us with tales of truck stop shower sex and over-priced beef jerky as we yell about:

"I Didn't Mean to Sic My Fans On You"
Saying Goodbye
Streaming Rights

There's a point when someone reaches a certain amount of clout that the gods of the internet grant them a gilded whistle. This powerful artifact allows them to dunk on or call someone out in a way that would get them roundhouse kicked in the face otherwise in real life, only to then deflect the blame when their fans rise up with pitchforks against the target. It's like throwing Maximus Aurelius in the ring to fight for you but then throwing him to the tigers.

Saying Goodbye sucks. We've all got to do it every now and then and it never gets easier. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it's okay that Bethesda has taken fifteen years to put out Not Skyrim 2, just like it's okay that your sibling takes 8 years to finish their Associate's Degree. Welcome them back with open arms when they come to visit, but also watch your wallet.

Streaming media is like playing Hot Pocket with your credit card. Is this movie on Netflix this week? Is the sequel on Hulu instead? Is the 14th episode of season 7 missing due to a now-cancelled celebrity? The answer to all of these questions is Yes and No.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.