Episode 191 - My Strange Gengar Addiction (feat. Justin Silverman)

It's time folks. Time to get your mask on. That's right, state governments all over the country are getting into these Mask mandates, and we for one could not be happier. The Mobile Armored Strike Kommand are heroes known worldwide, and yes, every citizen of the United States should be required by law to always be watching an episode of M.A.S.K though in cases where this is not possible, a citizen can show an item of M.A.S.K branded apparel or official Kenner action figure. Remember, M.A.S.K is the mighty power that can save the day against the evil V.I.R.U.S, and you can help them by:

* Transferring Services
* Why They Still Make Star Trek
* Pretending You Care

While pondering on the seemingly decrepit system that internet relies on, we at HWIDG made a startling discovery. In those lines that connect houses and buildings to the World Wide Web lies an extremely complex system of tiny little humans that carry your information back and forth. These tiny athletes run their tiny little legs from your laptop directly to the WankHub server and ask the search bar for all the listings for "sexy cowboys licking mustard off their nipples" and they precariously balance all of those video preview thumbnails on their back while they race to you in the blink of an eye. Where would we be without these unseen heroes? Well, you would be in a library defacing pictures of cowboys.

The biggest way to get an audience is to go away. It seems crazy but time and time again, people have proved that when their favorite thing goes away for 10-20 years and comes back, they come in droves to support it. Star Trek's problem is that it aside from the gap between TOS and The Motion Picture, it never went away. In fact, the longest break between any 2 Trek productions was the 4 years in between the end of Enterprise and JJ's wretched mess. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and Trek really needs to go away. Just go! Leave us until we need you again.

We here at HWIDG know that 75% of our listeners are men, and there's only one thing that men truly care about: their balls. Did you know that repeated podcast listening correlates with increased chances of testicular cancer? It's true, look at this single study done by a guy who really likes balls. Therefore, to raise awareness, HWIDG is committed to buying expensive velvet plush seat cushions specially made to cradle the sack gently and risk damage to the boys. We care about your hacky-sack and you should too, so we are offering these HWIDG-branded cushions at a discount of 10%, because hey, we care about your coinpurse too.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 190 - Huffle My Puff

We here at HWIDG are proud to announce that we are currently preparing for an eventual 2024 Presidential run. That's right, Tab and Tim are finally getting political, in a big way. As President, Tab promises to put taxes in the trash and a fat-ass steak on every plate in America. As Vice President, Tim will be locked in a padded cell with increasingly brittle items until his hands can no longer be considered lethal weapons. So when you're at the polls (in a few years) vote for what you DO get:

* Cancel Culture
* Big Sequels
* Harry Potter
* Smelling Your Own Farts

Well, it finally happened folks. We got hit. Sure it was an indirect one, but it still hurts. Turns out if you remove the context that something was said in, and jumble the words around, take a few out and throw a couple in, it turns what you said into cancel-able fodder. Look, eventually one of two things will happen. Either they win and everyone that isn't in line gets canceled, or they cancel the wrong person and people die.

There's two places where bigger means better: Texas and porn. Outside of that, it's pretty hit or miss. Sometimes it works out. Ending the first 10 years of the MCU with a 2-part 6 hour CGI extravaganza works because they built up to it. Taking one terrifying space-horror monster and making an army of them fight a bunch of space marines? BOOOOOOO. Or maybe you spend just a little too long telling us how your fantasy hero learned how to do sex good from fairies and was an awesome gaijin samurai.

Harry Potter, one of the last if not the last cornerstone of public media. With the rise of the internet, you could just go out and find fellow [INSERT CHOSEN MEDIA HERE] nerds instead of pushing it on the others around you. Combined with the fairly soon movie adaptations while the books were still out, it was a media sensation that everyone in your family was into! Apparently though, it's the only book or movie some people have seen and therefore it's all they can relate real life issues to. Guess what Sarah? You will never be able to do magic. Shut up and keep embarrassing yourself by pretending to play Quidditch in the park.

Sometimes someone receives so much praise, has such a high ego of themselves, and has no one tell them they suck, and therefore they get their head stuck up their own ass so far that it cannot medically be pulled out. You can tell this person from others because they can't take criticism, and refuse to admit any wrongdoing on their part. It's always someone else's fault. Also, there should be a faint smell of feces emanating from their head.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 189 - Jane Fonda Release Fund

WELCOME BACK TO HERE'S WHAT I DON'T EXPLODE (WHICH IS NOTHING BY THE WAY) THE ONLY CURRENTLY EXPLODING PODCAST TO EXPLODE ALL OF LIFE'S TOUGHEST ISSUES. I'M YOUR HOST TIM THE HANDLEXPLODER AND TODAY WE'RE BRINGING YOU TWO AND A HALF HOURS OF NONSTOP EXPLOSION NOISES FOLLOWED BY:

* Picking up Strays
* Diplomatic Impunity
* Quibi
* Protesting After the Fact

Look, everyone knows a wonderful story about finding a scared, ragged, bony dog or cat, slowly gaining its trust, giving it food and water, taking it to the vet, and before you know it, little Spot or Garfield is suddenly family! But occasionally, seldomly, you find some runaway and treat it nice and in return they scream the scream to end all screams. In fact it's less of a scream and more of a short summoning of the maddening void wherein the demon Pagliocalus lives. Every time said demon prince stubs his toe on one of his many handcrafted torture machines, he lets out a noise that reverbates through these stray animal traps.

Dirty Harry, John McClane, RoboCop, The Punisher, Walker Texas Ranger, etc, etc. These are the heroes that cops look up to, and that we praise on televison or the big screen. The rough-n-tough lone wolf that's got the Captain and IA breathing down his neck, trying to stop him from taking down Jimmy "Two-Shoes" McClarty once and for all. He can breeze through red lights without his siren or lights. He can hijack a citizen's vehicle in order to chase down a broken taillight. He can blow up all of Fisherman's Wharf in order to stop an 86 year old lady from jaywalking. He can shoot you and he'll get a pat on the back. Why? Because of a thin blue line that separates him from you.

These damn millennials and their screens! They spend all their time looking at these 5 inch screens in their hands and not enough on the big ones we want them to! Why would they want to watch their media at their own leisure, at any time, anywhere, without having to interact with anyone? It's just not American! Well, what if we got a bunch of new hot celebrities to make workout tapes? I'll call it Quibi after the noise I make when I climax to the sight of Jane Fonda's BUNS OF STEEL!

No second chances. If you don't vote against the Smoke'em Peace Pipe Weed Forever law of 2020 then get upset in 2022 when 75% of stores are dispensaries, you dun goofed. You can't protest it now, you lost your chance. A lack of foresight is what it is. Most people think, "well, even though I don't like that thing it'll never affect me". UNTIL IT DOES. Don't let hindsight be 20/20. Go beyond perfect vision and gain future vision. Then you can tell everyone "I told you so" which is the best thing ever.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 188 - Felony Selfishness

Just like the bad guy, from Lethal Weapon 2, we've got diplomatic immunity, so Hammer you can't sue. We can write graffiti, even jaywalk in the street! We can riot, loot, not give a hoot, and touch your sister's teat, you can't touch CHAZ! That's right, you can't touch us! Wait... Stop that! Stop touching us! YOU'RE RUINING OUR COMMUNAL BASIL GARDEN! GIVE US OUR HACKY-SACKS BACK YOU FASCIST PIGS! GATTACA! GATTACA! GATTACA! YOU MAY TAKE OUR LIVES BUT YOU CAN NEVER TAKE:

* Outbigotting
* Making the Issue About Me
* No Value In Intelligence
* Musicians Kidnapping Fans

Anyone you can hate I can hate better, I can hate anyone better than you!  No you can't! Yes I can! Okay, but they can't. Agreed. What a topsy-turvy world we live in folks. It seems we've gone so far in one direction trying to undo racism that we've gone back in time, not unlike Superman in those movies. Excuse me, I'm sorry, I meant Completelyaverageman, as you know DC Comics has changed the name of the legendary icon in order for the hero to not be seen as superior to anyone.

In these trying times, we here at HWIDG have taken a step back to reflect on just how good of a podcast we are. Despite this, we feel that podcast hosts should be completely accurate to their podcasts and so, effective immediately, Tab and Tim will be stepping down from their roles as co-hosts and will be replaced by more accurate portrayals of the podcast. Starting with Episode 189, the podcast will be hosted by Todd's dog and a loop of rambling voicemails from Deadhelm.

"How do podcast?" "How make sound in head play mean angry man voice?" These Google searches were found on the personal computer of your boss. That's right, the guy that pushes you around all day despite the fact that he reads at a seventh grade level and got to where he is simply based on his age and a dash of nepotism. Oh and he makes BANK. His salary is 5 times your own and that's before all the bonuses. All the while your Master's degree is put to good use as a space-filler on your wall, and he makes sure you only work 39.5 hours a week just above minimum wage because he's such a good guy. Not to mention he makes your branch look bad every week because he thinks the red lines under the words in his emails "add a touch of color".

WANTED: A ruthless kidnapper, charged with nearly 1,000 counts of criminal kidnapping, abduction, selfishness, and larceny. This weekend a local musician kidnapped around 1,000 of his fans and forced them to pay to attend an outdoor concert that met or surpassed all health guidelines. The venue owner is also charged with felony business running, but most heinously, charging $6.50 for a small plastic cup of domestic light beer.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't  forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 187 - Red Ring Circus

BREAKING NEWS! Coming to you live from Tulsa, Oklahoma. Ground Zero of the first Viral Race Riots, as you know COVID-19 has transformed due to 5G into the BLM-COVID-25G. There's only one way to keep from getting sick and that is to keep constant rage in your heart. Fortunately for Tab, his constant blood boiling has kept him completely immune. Tim has fled the country to try and keep from getting sick, and Todd is still asleep but we assume when he awakens he'll probably already be infected. The constant need for rage has led to constant lootig and Rioting in Tulsa, and across the country, doctors are working on a treatment and so far they've tried...

Insufficient Cooling
Poorly Made in China 2: Coilover Boogaloo
Zoomers vs Millenials
The Ass-Blastening

Entropy is a universal constant, yet one thing can fight entropy and that is the processor of your average gaming pc or console. From the Red Rings of the XBox 360 Gen 1, to the jet engine sound of the Last of Us 2, and everything in between. Insufficient cooling is a crime against hardware, please please console and computer manufacturers. Just make things slightly larger and add more fans.

Sometimes the online cheapout pricing makes you the winner, and sometimes it makes you a loser. This time I was the loser, and now, you're gonna hear about it. If Kung Flu should have taught you anything it's that China is evil and doesn't care how many of their citizens they sacrifice to collapse the western world. Now I've gotta wait another 2 weeks for a refund before I can even begin to come up with a plan to continue the suspension upgrade.

The boomers are such useless trash they've mobilized Gen Z to assist in their all out war to destroy the Millennials. Little does Gen Z know, once the boomers have sucked the life out of our bone marrow to stay forever in power, just like they did Gen X, they are coming for you Gen Z. Our only hope is to team up and mandate euthanasia over the age of 65. Though I will agree with the Zoomers, Harry Potter sucks.

We've reached a point in our culture where people cannot, absolutely cannot handle another person not making the same choices they do. You don't want to stay home, you're a grandma killer. You don't want to go to protest, you're a minority killer. You like Donald Trump, you're a white supremacist. Can you not just calm down and shut up? Do we all need to know what a cry baby you are? Cry at home, and out in the world act like an adult.

All this and more on this week’s  episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and now introducing GUILDED a Discord alternative that doesn't have a Trust and Safety Diversity Squad, and support us on PATREON,  NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 186 - Show Me the Money!

Football fans, welcome to the HWIDG League's Thursday Night Football Special, brought to you by Jerry's Exotic Meat Shack, they have everything from beef and bird to possum and turtle! Tonight we've got the ultimate showdown: it's the Lincoln Pre-K Chiefs versus the Golden Garden Child Day Care Center Tigers! The stands are packed, and the crowd is already getting rowdy! I don't know about you, but i've got a cool 5K resting on GGCDCC tonight, their quarterback Kyle Higgins has been on an absolute roll this season and that's WITHOUT his lucky blanket! The only way I can see Lincoln coming through tonight is if their defense has eaten all of their graham crackers and juice like good boys.  So, without further delay, let's get to the national anthem on recorder, played by:

* Phased Reopenings
* Black or White
* Football Funding
* Monopolies

"Be a good little child and you can have your bars back, okay? And maybe if you're good for an undetermined amount of time, then you can come out of your sterilized plastic bubble! And whenever I decide it you can invite one friend over, okay? And maybe later we can talk about going to school again. BUT DON'T EVER GO OUTSIDE! I'm doing this for your own good. Now go put on your orange onesie." Well, thanks Mommy Mayor. While you're at it, if I'm a good boy can I have an extra cookie at snack time?

Have you ever watched a black and white movie? Or read a black and white comic? Is it actually only black and white? Not usually. It's usually in greyscale. That's because only having 2 colors to use severely limits what you can do. Yet, here we are. In a world where not only can you not be a shade of grey, or black *and* white, you must be one or the other. Rich or poor. Left or right. Murderer or saint. The Beatles or The Rolling Stones. Steak or salad. Pro-skub or anti-skub. and if you're a rich, liberal, steak-eating, pro-skub, Beatles-fan? Well then you don't deserve to live.

Football. America's pastime. For watchers, it's a reason to get together and drink beer, eat meat, and criticize the athleticism of men bigger and stronger than you'll ever be. For players, it's a way to exercise in 15 second spurts for 4 hours once a week for half of the year and get paid million dollars of year for it. For everyone else it's static noise at the watercooler at best, and at worst it literally leeches money from your education. Wanna learn music, art, or drama? Good luck finding a school that hasn't already ripped out those programs to pay for a new row of seats in the stadium. Want to learn actual life skills in shop or home ec? What are you an ex-con? No, we need more money so that the football coach can be bad at coaching AND teaching.

Let's be honest. Eventually HWIDG will be part of the Amazon Podcast family, brought to you by Netflix (A Walt Disney Company), and you'll be listening to it either on your Apple Galaxy iDroid 7 or your Facebook Neuro-Implant v2.3. That's just the way it's going to go if these companies keep eating each other and end up owning everything. It means less choices. Less innovation. Less freedom. DOWN WITH THE MEGACORPS. HACK THE PLANET.

All this and more on this week’s  episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 185 - Psychadelic Toad Venom

Welcome to another episode of DYCIWMDVGC, the only podcast to tell you "Damn You Corona, I Want My Dumb Video Game Christmas" every week. At the time of writing, it's t-minus 23 hours until our first taste of our new E3-less future. This time of year any other year I'd be looking at conference schedules, making snacks, and dammit even going to bed at a reasonable time just to catch an hour and a half of trailers for games that will either never look like the trailer or be pushed back again and again until they do. Until then all we can do is start World War Three with China because of this, I'm sorry, it's the only rational thing to do besides:

* Trusting Science
* Systemic Racism
* Bad Timing
* Publisher v. Platform

There used to be a time where you could trust "science" and "experts". That time is long gone now. Don't get me wrong, i'm not going to turn into a born-again Christian until Jesus himself tells me to, but that's me in the corner. That's me in the spotlight. Losing my religion. George Michael is not getting through to me, I can't have Faith in science anymore, and it sucks.

We get spicy.

Imagine you drop your phone. Crack it all to hell. Technically usable still, but now you have to go and get a new phone. Oh well. You do your research into phones, you settle on the hot new iPhone. You're on the way to the phone store, when a car swerves toward you but stops just in time to not hit you. Then you hit every red light. You arrive at the store, and they've got a water leak so they're closing early, but the one 15 minutes away is still open. At this point anyone familiar with bad timing would drop everything and stay as safe as possible. Odds are you've angered some ancient cosmic being and on the way home, you'll hit someone with your car and magically they'll be fine but your car will be done for and the tow truck guy you call will make unwanted sexual advances on you. You've got bad timing, son.

When you're a platform, you let anyone on. Aside from a few legality-related rules, anyone can join and have fun. Let's take Spotify for an example. No one but hipsters would use it if they only let music with a 7.0 or better from Pitchfork on it. At that point Spotify is not a platform, it's a publisher of curated tastes. This isn't always a bad thing, a radio station for example, curates genres and artists by the DJ's picks and the popularity of the music. But, then there's when platforms slowly pick and choose what's right and wrong and eventually become publishers that say they're platforms.

All this and more on this week’s  episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2, or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 184 - Footage Not Found

HWIDG would like to formally apologize for 2020. We might have said some things about 2019 last year that were a bit derogatory, and clearly they have taken it out on the rest of the world. In these trying times, we here at HWIDG can only hope that things get better this year with say, maybe, an alien invasion? That would be pretty cool. Zombies are played out, so that's off the list. D.B. Cooper! How about that! Let's finally get that one over with. Maybe the Moon can crack and give us all magic powers? Yeah, that sounds nice. I call teleportation, you can have:

* Gaslighting
* Missing Passages
* Modernizing Films
* Water Levels

Gaslighting is like a sinister version of the Mandela Effect. At first you're adamant that what you know to be right is right, right? Of course, it's been like that for years, how could they have changed it? But they never changed it. They had to have changed it! They didn't. They didn't? No, you've been wrong your whole life. I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING CRAZY. Now imagine if the news did this, but no one cared.

In days of yore, books were small. Novels of the day might as well have been the length of a decently large Twitter chain. Large tomes were reserved for medical texts, dictionaries, and the like. But once printing was sufficiently affordable, and the masses learned to read, 'epics' became epicly large! So in this day and age of thousand-page book quadrilogies, it seems a bit odd to leave out large chunks of story that the reader might want! They're already invested in your world, your characters, your voice! If they're reading the second volume of your series, they like you! What's another hundred or two pages?

Imagine if you got a "C" on a History paper. You work on it all night, picking and prodding at it, editing and assembling, and when it's done, it's done, you've got to turn it in. Could you have started earlier? Of course. There's a dozen things you would change, but at a certain point, it's done. If you went home after receiving your grade, made vast changes to it, and turned it back in the next day, your teacher might as well slap you right in the face. Changing it after the fact wont change your score, all it'll do is make the teacher think lesser of you.

Water. We need it. Gots to have it, or we die. Which is funny, because in most games water is the enemy. Big 'ol lake? You'll insta-drown, or you're shark bait. How many times are we going to lower the water level of a room so we can finally get into it? Hell, Fallout will straight up murder you for drinking the wrong kind of water. But worst of all? Worst of all is when they give you a scuba suit/magical water amulet/nothing at all and expect you to navigate underwater corridors with the grace of a stoned elephant. Please, game develpers, I beg of you, delete all of your water assets, for the betterment of mankind.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on  DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 183 - Arachnid Photography

On this historic day, HWIDG goes where no formerly international podcast has gone before. That's right, HWIDG has teamed up with KFC, and with their help, today we are launching the first manned-spaceflight podcast recording session! Tab and Tim will climb aboard the majestic ship The Colonel which has been under construction for the last 5 years and has gone through thousands of hours of testing, and record the very first podcast from space! A quick reminder that today's shuttle launch is brought to you by none other than the world-famous KFC, try a new $30 Fill-Up Meal, perfect for a family of 4 plus leftovers, or a fat slob like you, you pig. Well, we're T-minus 30 minutes now and they're about to equip the Original Recipe© fuel tanks...hold on I'm getting some news... it appears that due to some light sprinkling of rain the launch has been postponed indefinitely, so back to your originally scheduled programming:

* Opening the Floodgates
* Working Under the Gallows
* Showrunners
* Dramacasts

If you let one vocal minority have their way and make a grand gesture of it, you open the floodgates for every other nut case to try and get their 15 minutes of fame. First we get the SnyderCut. Then the AyerCut of Suicide Squad, then the FiegCut of Ghostbusters, then the colorist's cut of Batman Begins, then the second assistant editor's cut of Saving Private Ryan, then Liam Neeson's driver's cut of Schindler's List, and before you know it, we'll have the cat of the great-granddaughter of the caterer's cut of BioDome!

How do you expect workers to care about work when they know their time is up? It's almost cruel to take someone in a retail job who has been there long enough to maybe start to like their little store, then tell them they're fired in 2 months, and also you have to help tear the place down. How can anyone feel good about going to work with a literal axe hanging over their head the whole time? Especially when there's a few of privilege that aren't losing their jobs. Just go ahead and put me in an orange jumpsuit with a ball-and-chain and make me build my own guillotine.

Showrunners! Sounds like they've got a lot of work to do. But really, they're an idea man/publicist. It's the job taken by someone that isn't good enough to be a director, but also isn't good enough to be the head writer, but has still somehow wriggled their way into importance, so the studio has to let them do something. It's like when there's a rich kid on a boat and he wants to drive it, so the captain plays nice and gives him his own little captain's hat and sets the boat to auto-pilot and lets the kid play with the steering wheel. If that kid's an asshole and if the captain isn't watching, he can really mess that boat ride up for everyone.

Who likes drama? No, not a gripping movie full of choices and consequences, but, like, petty drama. Gossip. Tabloid-esque news. I'll tell you who likes it, boring people. People that don't have hobbies, or friends, or a relationship, or a job. People who are missing some big part of life and haven't filled it with anything of substance. So they trick themselves into thinking that this drama between The Housewives of Orange County or between Twitch streamers XxVapeNinjaxX and ProJoe means something. And you'd think that there's one or two crazy people like that, but no. There's thousands. Millions even. It's terrifying.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us  on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 182 - Cabela's Big Gamer Hunter

The time has come. Far too long has "Big Podcast" had a hand in what HWIDG says. Remember the debacle that was Episode 180? Well, the shackles have been broken and it is time for us to #ReleaseTheSeidelCut. That's right, from now on the podcast will be edited by Todd and it will be a 4+ hour extravaganza! No more childish humor, no more feel-good voicemails, it's time for heady topics, grow room tips, and ska, a lot of ska. So get on your knees TRUE HWIDG fans, for your savior is here and his name is Todd and he brings:

* Seatbelt Propaganda
* Campers
* Otherkin
* Songs That Are Too Good

Buckle up. Click it or ticket. What happens to naughty little kids that don't? Look at this picture of a kid with half of hid face missing! That's what happens! Luckily, the windshield's glass will probably nick your carotid artery as you fly through it, so you won't be in pain that long. Remember, typical emergency response is 10 minutes! And that's if someone even sees you crash! It's likely you'll be locked in your overturned, burning SUV for what seems like an eternity as the fire grows stronger, and you choke on the fumes, rendering you unconscious until the fiery pain of sixth-degree burns wake you. You didn't even know those existed did you? Well you would've if you just buckled up.

Imagine the smug 13 year-old with the best gun in the game, hiding in the corner of the map, in just the right spot, waiting for you to spawn in front of him. Don't you want to literally murder him? You've got nothing to do, now summer's over, you little twerp. Other people still have work and stuff You get to spend all day playing and finding your little camping spots. I just want to unwind after a long day, and i've got to deal with your BS. Honestly, the game should record your voice chat and send it to your mother. I bet you wouldn't ask her to s*** your g******* d**** and f**** on your c******.

Wouldn't you want to fly? To be a majestic eagle on the wind, with the freedom to go wherever, whenever, to swoop down to a lake and catch a fresh fish for dinner? To soar to new-OH. You're dead. Yeah, some rich jackass just shot you and is going to see what Kentucky Fried Eagle tastes like. Well, that wasn't so great, but that doesn't happen to every eagle, right? Sure, let's try again, you're flying through the air, but WHOOSH-you get sucked into a plane propeller and sliced to bits. But that's a freak accident right? Sure. Let's say you avoid those manmade accidents. You live for a wonderful 20 years. You're a strong, healthy head of your bird troop or whatever, but OOPS you just got bit by a snake. That's life. It's fast and cruel.

The problem with some songs is that they're too good. They find their way into your head and they wriggle around in there until it drives you insane. And listening to it does nothing but perpetuate the cycle! And it makes all other music sound like children's lullabies. How dare you make music this good? What gives you the right to mess with my brain like that?

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 181 - Mandatory

Coming to NBC this fall, The New Normal, from the creators of the legendary Life. In this futuristic sitcom, we follow John Everyman in a post-apocalyptic New York City. After a virus wipes out a large percentage of humanity, John must go from eating from cans and virtual conference calls to having to put pants on again! And if that wasn't enough, his ex, Sarah, is back in town having recovered from the terrible flesh-eating virus! When they get back together it seems John has some issues with her new look! Catch it this fall with these other great shows:

* Stickers
* Voter ID
* The Elder Scrolls VI
* Zoom

Stickers are good for one thing: making clean things dirty. I know, I know I'm in the minority, but that means you have to listen to me. I see stickers slathered on laptops and music gear all the time, and you know what, it makes me think less of that person. A single sticker meticulously placed at the center, or to hide a blemish? Perfectly A-OK. So many that you can't see the original color? BOO. It reminds me of the hallway of dingy venues that lead to the bathrooms, but without the scent of beer and piss and the packed-like-sardines groping going on.

Requiring any of a plethora of acceptable forms of identification when you vote seems reasonable. You can't buy liquor or Mortal Kombat without it, so why should voting be held to a lesser standard? Well if you're a white liberal, then voter ID is unlawful and racist, but when it comes to literally anything else, TAG ME DADDY GOVERNMENT. MAKE ME HOLD UP A SIGN SAYING I'M A FILTHY VAXXER, DADDY. WRITE IT ON ME, DADDY. LET'S TELL THE WHOLE WORLD I'M YOUR LITTLE CORONA SLAVE.

Skyrim? That shit's old. It came out like more than twenty years ago. I'm pre-ordering that hot new game TES6. It comes out on the PS6 next year, even my dad is excited, he said he was "hype AF". What a coronahead. While I'm here, let me get Street Fighter 7, Call of Duty Black Ops 9, and the new Destiny 2 expansion. Anyways, I heard that the NPCs in TES6 are *so* advanced that they've got like 50 different arrow in the knee stories.

Google Hangouts, Microsoft Teams, Zoom, whatever you use, it's creeped up into so many more people's lives. It's taking over everything, from live TV, to education. I honestly think we'll see Zoom Movies by next year. And you know what? It'll look LIKE GARBAGE. Jesus christ, send these people some decent hardware! YOU'RE BEING OUTDONE BY TWITCH STREAMERS. IT'S A NECESSITY FOR THEM. SIMPS NEED THEIR MOMMY JOI ROLEPLAY ASMR IN 4K 60FPS.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 180 - Sdrawkcab

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

What's the difference between 11 and 12? Nothing. The 11th could be a random boring workday Wednesday in September, or it could be a the best day of your life in February. As people we assign meaning to these numbers because of what happens on the day, not the numbers themselves, so I've got real trouble pretending to care about the 22nd of January when one year it was a blizzard and the another year your kid was born. Your kid's nice and all but I almost froze to death on that same date.

A lot of people hoard. Whether it's prepping or hobbies, most people have 1 or 2 things they really like and have trouble parting with. And that's fine. Every now and then you have to prune some of your collection to make room for more and that's healthy. What's not healthy is refusing to do that, so essentials start falling by the wayside and before you know it, you've got New Jersey's best indoor sewer system rotting your floorboards and there's a psychologist and your kids trying to get you to throw away things you might have some use for some day.

The new normal, hiding your mouth and nose area, aka the mask. Masks are cool though, right? Bane? Sub-zero? Jim Carrey's The Mask? Jason Vorhees and Micheal Myers? There are probably hundreds of iconic masks once you add superheroes and villains to the list. But what do we get? Some sleek future ventilated protection? No, we wound up breathing through leftover old t-shirts. What's even worse is that you haven't worn a mask since you were 8 and had a plastic Ninja Turtle face covering your own on Halloween night, and guess what? You forgot that actually wearing a mask blows.

Guess what nerds? Your cinematic masterpieces aren't any different than your childhood cartoons made to make you beg your mom for that shiny new Transmetal Fuzor. They just throw a lot more money at them these days. So if you think that Zack Snyder's Director's Cut of Justice League would've been a completely different affair and actually good. You're forgetting 2 things. One: you want a Director's Cut of a 2 hour toy commercial. And Two: Zack Snyder is why people walk around in Iron Man and Captain America t-shirts these days instead of Superman and Batman symbols. Also, i'm still upset that I never got that Transmetal Fuzor I wanted. IT'S SILVERBOLT MOM! HE'S A WOLF AND AN EAGLE! HE'S A WOLFEAGLE THAT SHOOTS MISSILES, MOM! IT'S THE COOLEST THING POSSIBLE.

* To-the-day Anniversaries
* Hoarders
* Masks
* Release the Snyder Cut

Suh dudes? Welcome back to H-Widgie the sickest 'cast this side of Petaluma! The only 'cast to take on life's total bummers but also, like, life's totally gnarly grinds. This week we cover T-Dog's attempts at perfecting his Air Japan 180°, The MadMan's run-in with some mondo-garbo scuzz-fuzz, and Leafy Todd's new blend called Skittle Sherbert Surprise. We also review the new decks from Vert, and some trucks from Kronx! And as always here's this weeks most slammin' tricks:

Episode 179 - Kraft Tuna Melt

Quarantine log day, forgotten, we’re on full blown coronatime. I haven’t showered in 4 days. I no longer own any pants. Food supplies are running low, fortunately the cat food is pretty tasty with a caprisun chaser. I have seen everything offered on Netflix, and can now confidently say, it’s all garbage. There were a few good new documentaries talking about,

- Live Services
- Modelers
- Stopping the Bleach Drinkers
- Amazon

Long ago games were a one time purchase. You got your cartridge and you popped it in and that was it. Then a new age dawned and games started happening online. You could play with friends around the globe, but they couldn’t charge more for the game to keep the servers running, and DLC only went so far, and games as a service were born. Some games handled the transition really well, and some games were shoveled out messes that after just over a year have completely died. Nobody cares though, because if people were playing it wouldn’t be a dead service.

Models are cool, I have a massive jealousy for guys that have the patience and steady hands to take something they love and make a smaller version of it. Cars, Planes, Boats, Trains, even whole towns are made in model form. I would love to have a small fleet of in scale Enterprises from Star Trek to put on a shelf. Then there is the dark side of modeling, and like all the world’s evils it comes from Math. These guys are the types who make up numbers out of their asses for decades for the chance to get interviewed on CNN and sell their new book. The big difference, is while good modelers base their work on real world tangible examples, bad modelers base their work on ego.

Kung Flu was a gift to us, it was a chance to eliminate the number one ill in the universe, Old People. Too many grandma simps stood up and the boomer remover was stalled. The universe has its way of balancing out and it gave us a new chance. Now we have a chance, to eliminate all of the dumb people. We constantly as a society complain about the stupid people around us and how the world would be a better place without them. AND WE DIDN’T TAKE IT! Is this the world you want? Really? We are saving bleach drinkers now? Next thing they’ll be protesting erasing all debt as a one time amnesty, you morons.

Amazon is the single largest online shopping company on the planet. They literally have lockers installed in apartment buildings for deliveries, because they deliver as much stuff if not more than the regular post office. In these trying times, they are too busy patting themselves on the backs for doing nothing to put your stuff in a box and send it to you the way literally everything else on earth works. This could’ve been your big break, literally destroying all other companies, but instead you drank bleach.

All that plus who did Tim steal an issue from last week? voicemails and food news. Be sure to join in the discussion on DISCORD, support the show at PATREON, NEW PROJECT 2, or go BUY A SHIRT! Thanks for listening!

Episode 178 - Spare Parts

Welcome back to Here’s What I Want to Reopen, the most popular podcast about reopening things! Number one this week is………. this bag of Doritos! A lovely spicy nacho flavor, orange dust all over your fingers, what’s not to love about this bag of Doritos? Second on our list………… the investigation into D.B. Cooper! Don’t you want to know what really happened to him? Who was he? Did he actually fight Bigfoot? Was he Bigfoot all along? We need to know the answers, sheeple! And Rounding out our top three it’s………… the local Chuck E. Cheese! Where else can you play skee-ball or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time right next to someone playing The Simpsons arcade game while also chowing down on a Slice (because they can’t legally call it pizza)? Anyways, here’s the rest of this week’s top reopens:

* Waffle Fries
* When RTFM Fails
* Valorant Anti-cheat
* Let's Not Be Too Hasty

Oh waffle fry, how I loathe you. The lowest tier of frenched fry. Below the crinkle-cut, below the shoestring, below even those weird smiley face round things. Why do you exist? You’re the size of a chip, but have 100% less crunch and flavor! You’re full of holes, so I get 40% less potato than I want. You know, I’d rather eat packing peanuts than a waffle fry, because at least then I’m not disappointed that I’m not eating some other type of packing material.

Manuals used to be books. Big ol’ thick honkers of texts with lovely diagrams and troubleshooting sections. Today? You’re lucky to even get one. More than likely you’ll get a slip of paper that says “For Instructions and Troubleshooting, please visit us at http://wedontlikemauals.net”. And even if you do get a manual, it’s likely been outsourced to either a Chinese company and been terribly translated, or it’s been pawned off to another customer for 50 bucks and just looks like a bad print out of an even worse Powerpoint presentation.

Cheaters gonna cheat. If someone wants to break the rules, they will find a way, no matter what is in the way. So for a game developer to say “our game is the best because it prevents any sort of cheating oh and by the way, it’s quite invasive to the customer’s PC”, that’s just going to give the cheaters MORE FUEL. And it’ll give the worst of them a reason to use your invasive strategy to hurt your other customers. Just wait a few months I guarantee either they re-do the system to be like EVERY OTHER ONE, or there’ll be a hack rendering the game unsafe to players.

Apparently the “off” switch is just a standard lightbulb switch in a publicly-accessible room. The “on” switch can only be accessed by those with Level 75 or higher security clearance, who also have a Platinum III or better ranking in the current season of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege, and have at least a Level 18 character in a currently running weekly Dungeons and Dragons 5e game, who must then cross a lake of lava on a rickety rope bridge. They must then answer a puzzle given by two trolls guarding a door that leads to the switch room full of hundreds of switches, and must know the current hour’s 3 correct switches and then insert the correct individual keys into those three switches and turn all three at the same time.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 177 - Junk in the Trunk ft. Tony from Hack the Movies

Just another regular day here at the HWIDG offices. Tab is shambling around with a bottle of Jameson in each hand, Tim is meticulously counting number of tiles on the floor, and Todd is cooking up a nice squirrel and possum stew. Oh, and Tony from Hack The Movies came by to drop off three pallets of Speed 2 Blu-Rays. So join us in our locked-up stupor as we yell about:

* Neo-Hygenists
* Where's Antifa?
* TV Show Movies

Apparently no one cleaned anything before the 'rona hit. You'd never seen a cleaning supply aisle so spotless before. People are grabbing Swiffers and wipes and mops and sponges like they're this year's hottest Christmas toys. You know, they've actually got a lot in common. These COVID emergency cleaning supplies will be used once then forgotten about and shoved into a closet for 10 years, then either thrown away or given to charity.

When the news starts using words like 'draconian' to label what our current situation is like, you know it's bad. But where's those neo-anarchist antifa warriors when the actual fascism starts coming? Seemingly inside, following rules like good little Christian boys and girls. Huh. Sounds like maybe they were only against fascism when no real problems were around.

Hey, it's summer break and your favorite TV show has ended its fifth season. Now what will you do for the 5 months it's off-air? I know! You'll go see the movie! A big ol' blockbuster special 2 hour extravaganza of way too much action and a lackluster villain that will never be mentioned in canon again! Or it's an hour and a half of pure comedic genius that is used to 25 minutes at a time, so 2/3rd of the jokes fall flat! Sounds like great time and money spent!

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on  DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! Also, Syphon Filter sucks. Find out for yourself on this week's episode of Syphon Filter and Friends featuring Tab! 

Episode 176 - Mammonaut

Hello there. Sergeant Jones reporting here. We recently carried out a raid on an illegally operating business during this quarantine. Two men were found and turned over to the CIA for disposal err I mean questioning. These men were conducting illegal broadcasts denouncing our supreme leader and other highly respected members of the government. We have hijacked their signal and broadcasted this dummy episode as bait. We've backtraced all of your IPs, and you too, their loyal listeners, will be fully investigated and punished by the law. We're coming for you weasels.

* Karens
* Data Caps
* Crazy Coincidences
* Heroes

Is K*ren a slur? Absolutely noHEY WAIT A MINUTE. K*ren. K*ren. K*REN. What the hell is going on? My computer won't let my type K*ren. Let me just check the news here, oh god, they did it. All the ignorant-ass K*rens actually talked to the manager of this godforsaken place and yelled at them. Just like a K*ren to think that once they get insulted they must defeat the source of it. Well guess what middle-aged WASPS with bad haircuts, I'm gonna go through all the names until you have to start turning your pale-ass offspring into Davidina or Johnya, okay Sharon?

Data Caps are like the tooth fairy, an imaginary way for adults to waste their money. They're also like Bitcoin. Everyone's heard of it, but no one knows why it exists or how it works. So, during a big ol quarantine we have no data caps, even though traffic is at its highest, but you're going to throttle me for torrenting a terrabyte of Phish live shows in FLAC at 4 in the morning when the lowest amount of people are on? Blow me. And when we go back, will we still have no data caps? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Time. The universe. Chaos vs. order. Ever seen in to the fourth dimension? Open your third eye SHEEPLE. The nebulas are burning and we're responsible for our ancestor's sins. The galaxy is radiating with bio-electric feedback. We are at a crossroads of transformation and turbulence. Reality has always been radiating with dream-weavers whose essences are baptized in self-actualization. The nexus is approaching a tipping point in which humanity's superstructures will crumble under the weight of quantum waveform frequencies.

Superman. Batman. Spider-man. Iron Man. The Hulk, even, those are heroes. Eugene the high school dropout that includes dimebags with ever order of chicken nuggets is not a hero. He's a capitalist slave. He can't afford to quit his job, and even though there's a superflu floating around outside his job won't let him not interact with people, or he'll get fired. You want Eugene to be a hero? Wait until he quits his job and gets hit by a falling alien meteor, gains the ability to fly, super strength, and laser vision, and flies around giving everyone free weed. Now that's a hero.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget  to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by  BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 175 - Lizard People

Quarantine Day 962: Being King of New Canada is not all lollipops and poutine, contrary what you may have heard. The serfs are never happy with what I graciously give them. Other lands could never afford to pay their peoples such a large sum of 1,200 caps. Frequent assassination attempts mean I must be on watch at all times. I must even have my most trusted assistants test my food and drink. Despite all this, I have brought my glorious nation from the brink of destruction to one of the top powers in this wasteland. People come from all around just for a taste of what stands for cutting-edge technology and freedom on this planet now known as Apocalyptia. Til the morrow, King Handlebreaker out.

* Secret Hitler
* No Contact Delivery
* $1,200
* The Re-acquaintancing Period

Shhhhhhh. They're all around us. They could be anyone. They could be your neighbor, sweet Miss Clementine. Or your co-worker Bill. Maybe even your own PARENTS. They're all around us, secretly plotting our demise, and attempting to take over our country bit by bit. Only recently have scientists found a way to identify who these Secret Hitlers are, but this information was suppressed by their evil ways. Well, I'm here with that information. One neat trick that secret fascists hate. How do you discover who they are? It's actually quite easy. All I need is your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year.

Do you really want acne-ridden Eugene the dope-fiend handling your food, driving it to your place then doing the "delivery dance" of passing a receipt and pen, signing it, giving it back, then handing you your pizza minus the wings he munched on on the way there? Or would you rather have Star Trek technology simply beam your Meatlover's with extra cheese right to you? That's what I thought. Humans are filthy, hence our current situation, which funnily enough has now taken us one step closer to our Star Trek future.

The CARES act is for the people. Because congress "cares" about you, the individual. That's why the entirety of the bailout goes right to the people! Wait, what? It doesn't? Well, then who exactly do they "care" for? Ohhhhhh. Themselves. And big businesses with lobbyists that pay them off. Huh. Why do they need emergency money? Shouldn't they have emergency funds in case something bad like a quarantine happens? Well, that seems like poor planning on their half to be honest. Why should the government give them free money for bad budget planning?

It's like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it, or the sensation of wind whipping through your hair on a bright summer day. What you do forget is that the seat kinda hurts your ass and it's not really ergonomic, and getting started again is real awkward, and people on the street don't like you, and your brakes aren't the best, and the chain can rip up your legs, and god forbid you fall off, you've got absolutely no protection because the safety gear there is makes you look like a real nerd, and jesus christ going uphill was a mistake, and a dozen other little things.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 174 - Closed on Sunday

Quarantine Day 236: Finally, I made it to Canada. The trek was arduous, and I had nothing to keep me warm in the cold Dakota wilds except for a light jacket and my HWIDG Uncle Buck Signature Hat. It will be tough adapting to life in this new place. It's so bright, even at night, it seems they still have some form of electricity. People look at me with curious glances. Their culture in the apocalypse seems almost unchanged from what I can recall about the old ways. I can see no signs of quarantining or raiders or even a Thunderdome equivalent. My pipe rifle still stands at watch at all times. Except for now. Because I'm writing. Handlebreaker out.

* Religious Interference
* Self-Isolation
* Plug-n-Play
* People That Can't Cook

Like a Paladin's righteous tower shield, many use religion to protect themselves from the evils of the world. Or from working when expected. Or from responsibility. Or almost anything they want. Ain't that a stinker? Just because you kept your childhood imaginary friend, you get a boatload of ways to dodge work or taxes. Look, I don't mind religion. You should be able to worship whichever version of the same morality tales you want. Just don't be a dick and use it to interfere with your non-religious business.

You can't force someone to self-isolate. That defeats the "self" part  of the term. "Self" involves choice by a person to do something on their own. You can't self-flagellate someone, that's just you whipping them. It's all about choice. If I want to hurt myself because i'm sad, that's called self-harm. If you want to hurt me because you're mad, that's called assault.

PLUG AND PLAY. IT'S 2020. YOUR THING HAS A UNIVERSAL STANDARD PORT. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLUG IT IN AND HAVE IT DO WHAT THE SAME KIND OF THING LITERALLY NEXT TO IT IS DOING.

Some people can't cook, which means they're going to end up as apocalypse sex workers, selling their rumps and bumps for bags of soup and plates of tuna casserole. It's not hard people. If you can read, you can cook. Read the ingredient list, by at least that much of each thing, read the recipe, make sure you've got a working oven or saucepan or what not, and follow the instructions. Unless you are one of a truly inept kind that can make toast catch fire, anyone can do it!

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 173 - Quarantined (ft. ASERiley)

Quarantine Day 6: The bunker still stands. Despite the constant raids and attacks by packs of rabid dogs, our stash of TP has been mostly untouched. Tab and I ran out of Todd meat yesterday, so I had to make the choice. It was either him or me. I set a trap with some new shiny Mustang parts, and he fell for it. I guess that means no more podcast anymore. So for one last time, here's what I don't get: having to eat your friends in the apocalypse. I'm sure you've all had to the same or worse in these terrible times. At least my government quarantine stipend came in today! Maybe I can trade it for some barbecue sauce for these ribs. Anyways, here's the last episode we recorded before Tab gracefully gave himself up for burger meat.

* IRL Lootboxes
* #coronaculture
* Thots

Millennials don't gamble? Give me a break, millennials have been gambling away their money on FIFA Ultimate Team packs and LootCrates since their inception. A randomly chosen box of nerd stuff just for me? Why yes I'll buy that blindbox! This indie developer wants to make the biggest and most realistic MMORPG ever with a fully fleshed-out dragon sex simulation mode? Why yes I'll give them 300 dollars for the tier that includes the game, beta access, and a handmade dragon scale condom!

How's everyone else doing under our government mandated curfews and martial law? Good? Well, I've become accustomed to the taste of canned "chili" already, and I've got spike pits conveniently placed outside the front door. My Bane impression has been perfected, and my dog now attacks on command. Once the air outside clears up, I'll go check out the thunderdome they retrofitted the event center into. Hopefully I can fight a midget riding a mentally handicapped giant like I've always wanted to.

You know back in the day, science fiction writers wrote about their visions of the future and the eventual problems we would face because of technology. Never did George Orwell think that when he wrote about his dystopian future where thoughts were the main form by which men were controlled, that he would be right. Kind of. Though to be honest, look up a picture of the dude. Doesn't he look like the kind that would throw a fit when he found out his favorite e-girl had a boyfriend?

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 172 - Drag n' Drop

Welp, this is it folks. Our last transmission. The government has raised the Rage-o-meter to DEAFCON-1. Rage all across the world is at an all-time high, and there are no signs of it letting up. As Patient Zero, Tab has bravely decided to go into quarantine where his body will be submitted to dozens of rigorous tests and ultimately will be dissected and studied in hopes for a cure. We here at HWIDG wish him well and wish all our listeners a Merry End of the World.

* Apple
* Timewasters
* Days
* Silver Platter Dystopia

It just works. Except that it really doesn't. A MacBook is not a laptop, it's a MacBook. An iPad isn't a tablet, it's an iPad. iPhones, same thing. Apple doesn't care about standards. The only reason they bother to keep USB ports is because lightning/thunderbolt never caught on. If it was entirely up to them, they'd be introducing wacky triangle ports and 15 prong power jacks.

Time is money, folks. Everyone's time is worth a certain amount. It's why celebrities can charge $250 for a photo and an autograph. So when someone goes out of their way to purposefully or ignorantly waste my time. I need them to pay up. We need to start billing folks for wastes of time. Invoices galore.  Here's a list of today's holidays: Debunking Day, Dream Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, National Promposal Day, No Smoking Day (UK), Oatmeal Nut Waffles Day, Registered Dietician Nutritionist Day, World Plumbing Day, Worship of Tools Day, and World Day of Muslim Culture, Peace, Dialogue, and Film. I hope you've got all your loved ones the proper gifts for each one.

If you thought your local tornado/flooding/snowstorm hysteria was crazy? What happens with a new global disease? It's Children of Men/The Road/Mad Max up in here already. In fact, we've started welding spikes onto Tab's Mustang's wheels, and we're nailing armor plates to it as we speak. Everyone remember to crowdfund the new version of our emotion implants, mine's been off recently, letting me be too happy.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on  DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!