Episode 175 - Lizard People — Here's What I Don't Get

Quarantine Day 962: Being King of New Canada is not all lollipops and poutine, contrary what you may have heard. The serfs are never happy with what I graciously give them. Other lands could never afford to pay their peoples such a large sum of 1,200 caps. Frequent assassination attempts mean I must be on watch at all times. I must even have my most trusted assistants test my food and drink. Despite all this, I have brought my glorious nation from the brink of destruction to one of the top powers in this wasteland. People come from all around just for a taste of what stands for cutting-edge technology and freedom on this planet now known as Apocalyptia. Til the morrow, King Handlebreaker out.

* Secret Hitler
* No Contact Delivery
* $1,200
* The Re-acquaintancing Period

Shhhhhhh. They're all around us. They could be anyone. They could be your neighbor, sweet Miss Clementine. Or your co-worker Bill. Maybe even your own PARENTS. They're all around us, secretly plotting our demise, and attempting to take over our country bit by bit. Only recently have scientists found a way to identify who these Secret Hitlers are, but this information was suppressed by their evil ways. Well, I'm here with that information. One neat trick that secret fascists hate. How do you discover who they are? It's actually quite easy. All I need is your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year.

Do you really want acne-ridden Eugene the dope-fiend handling your food, driving it to your place then doing the "delivery dance" of passing a receipt and pen, signing it, giving it back, then handing you your pizza minus the wings he munched on on the way there? Or would you rather have Star Trek technology simply beam your Meatlover's with extra cheese right to you? That's what I thought. Humans are filthy, hence our current situation, which funnily enough has now taken us one step closer to our Star Trek future.

The CARES act is for the people. Because congress "cares" about you, the individual. That's why the entirety of the bailout goes right to the people! Wait, what? It doesn't? Well, then who exactly do they "care" for? Ohhhhhh. Themselves. And big businesses with lobbyists that pay them off. Huh. Why do they need emergency money? Shouldn't they have emergency funds in case something bad like a quarantine happens? Well, that seems like poor planning on their half to be honest. Why should the government give them free money for bad budget planning?

It's like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it, or the sensation of wind whipping through your hair on a bright summer day. What you do forget is that the seat kinda hurts your ass and it's not really ergonomic, and getting started again is real awkward, and people on the street don't like you, and your brakes aren't the best, and the chain can rip up your legs, and god forbid you fall off, you've got absolutely no protection because the safety gear there is makes you look like a real nerd, and jesus christ going uphill was a mistake, and a dozen other little things.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!