Episode 178 - Spare Parts — Here's What I Don't Get

Welcome back to Here’s What I Want to Reopen, the most popular podcast about reopening things! Number one this week is………. this bag of Doritos! A lovely spicy nacho flavor, orange dust all over your fingers, what’s not to love about this bag of Doritos? Second on our list………… the investigation into D.B. Cooper! Don’t you want to know what really happened to him? Who was he? Did he actually fight Bigfoot? Was he Bigfoot all along? We need to know the answers, sheeple! And Rounding out our top three it’s………… the local Chuck E. Cheese! Where else can you play skee-ball or Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Turtles In Time right next to someone playing The Simpsons arcade game while also chowing down on a Slice (because they can’t legally call it pizza)? Anyways, here’s the rest of this week’s top reopens:

* Waffle Fries
* When RTFM Fails
* Valorant Anti-cheat
* Let's Not Be Too Hasty

Oh waffle fry, how I loathe you. The lowest tier of frenched fry. Below the crinkle-cut, below the shoestring, below even those weird smiley face round things. Why do you exist? You’re the size of a chip, but have 100% less crunch and flavor! You’re full of holes, so I get 40% less potato than I want. You know, I’d rather eat packing peanuts than a waffle fry, because at least then I’m not disappointed that I’m not eating some other type of packing material.

Manuals used to be books. Big ol’ thick honkers of texts with lovely diagrams and troubleshooting sections. Today? You’re lucky to even get one. More than likely you’ll get a slip of paper that says “For Instructions and Troubleshooting, please visit us at http://wedontlikemauals.net”. And even if you do get a manual, it’s likely been outsourced to either a Chinese company and been terribly translated, or it’s been pawned off to another customer for 50 bucks and just looks like a bad print out of an even worse Powerpoint presentation.

Cheaters gonna cheat. If someone wants to break the rules, they will find a way, no matter what is in the way. So for a game developer to say “our game is the best because it prevents any sort of cheating oh and by the way, it’s quite invasive to the customer’s PC”, that’s just going to give the cheaters MORE FUEL. And it’ll give the worst of them a reason to use your invasive strategy to hurt your other customers. Just wait a few months I guarantee either they re-do the system to be like EVERY OTHER ONE, or there’ll be a hack rendering the game unsafe to players.

Apparently the “off” switch is just a standard lightbulb switch in a publicly-accessible room. The “on” switch can only be accessed by those with Level 75 or higher security clearance, who also have a Platinum III or better ranking in the current season of Tom Clancy’s Rainbow Six: Siege, and have at least a Level 18 character in a currently running weekly Dungeons and Dragons 5e game, who must then cross a lake of lava on a rickety rope bridge. They must then answer a puzzle given by two trolls guarding a door that leads to the switch room full of hundreds of switches, and must know the current hour’s 3 correct switches and then insert the correct individual keys into those three switches and turn all three at the same time.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!