Episode 32 - Happy 4th of July

View fullsize

I hope you're ready for some fireworks (both literal and figurative), because this week's episode was recorded on the good ol' fourth of July! So prepare to 'ooh' and 'ahh' as we bring in the following issues:

- Slow People In Buffet Lines
- "I'm a [blank]" guys
- Pirate movies
- Assigned Seating at Movie Theaters

With cookouts and potlucks being in full swing this summer, Uncle Buck has a helpful PSA to help you stay ahead of the game: KEEP MOVING! There's very little as boring as a potluck dinner, and even worse than the screaming of the unattended kids isn't as mind-numbingly enraging as the dawdling, dead-eyed pace at which people shuffle through the buffet line. It's as if everyone got injections of indecision and ineptitude prior to attending. It's not that hard to choose the two or three things you're actually going to scoop onto your plate, especially since 75% of what's on the table looks completely inedible and\or unsanitary. Just grab the spoon, scoop up your burnt turd casserole, accept your fate, and move along. It's not that hard to pluck out a piece of KFC chicken from the bucket and get out of the way. I have no idea why so many people out there are hyped up over socialism, because the food lines that await us twenty years down the road from now are exactly like this, both in terms of quality and selection, except the table is going to be empty by the time you get to it, and by that point you're going to have either starved to death or cannibalized your neighbor, so the whole ordeal is a moot point anyway. That's why we have jobs. In an economy driven by capitalism, you go to work, earn money, buy food, then prepare and eat it in the privacy of your own home, without the entire nursing home pawing over it first. On today, of all days, I'm thankful for the freedom to develop a skill, work a job, and reap the benefits of my labor for ME and ME ALONE. But, even going to work has its down sides . . .

It's happened to us all. You're taking that skill that you've built over years of hard work, and applying it to a work situation. There's a problem to be solved, and just like that anti-gun weenie who portrays the hero in the Taken movies, you've got a particular set of skills, baby! But, it never fails; some schmuck who saw a Youtube video that one time and somehow has the authority in the situation to hamper your progress comes up and tells you "Oh, I know how to do this, too. I'm a [blank] guy." and proceeds to spout the most inane nonsense you've ever heard. "Oh, you do a podcast? Yeah, I listen to several podcasts, so that makes me an expert. Here's why your show sucks." Oh yeah, buddy? But how many do you actually DO? How many hours have you spent actually COMING UP WITH CONTENT, performing that content, recording it, editing it, presenting and then promoting it? None? Imagine my surprise . . . Until you've actually put your face in front of the camera and hung your voice and opinions out to dry for the entire internet, how about you shut up, yeah? Oh, you know a thing or two about turning on a light-switch, huh? That makes you a lighting engineer? I'm gonna refer you to my buddy, Tab, who is more than likely going to take that entire lighting fixture and wedge it up your rectum and turn it on so that your face looks like the CHARGIN MA LAZERS meme. Speaking of memes . . .

Culture is informed by memes. Did you know that. No, not just the silly pictures we look at on facebook instead of being productive at work. I'm talking about the original definition of cultural memes. But one stereotype that I'm sick to death of is that of pirates. Not the internet pirate, but the Golden Era of Sailing type. The "swashbuckling adventure" type. What exactly does "swashbuckling" mean, anyway? It's basically become synonymous with "cheesy pirate movie". But the fact of the matter is, pirates, while fascinating to learn about, weren't heroes. Or even entertaining. They were a terrible nuisance, and everyone and their brother loathed them to hell and back. Why? They stole and killed. That's it. They didn't bury treasure, they didn't have noble intentions, and they weren't particularly charming or fun. They were people who didn't want to to an honest day's work, so they got on a boat, waited for someone with money to come along, boarded their ship, killed everyone who resisted, and stole whatever was valuable. In essence, they were socialists on a small, more effective scale. It bugs me to no end to see them portrayed as romantic heroes, and it bugs me even more to see kids shows telling us weird nonsense like "pirates never take anything that doesn't belong to them." That's nonsense. That was the entire purpose of being a pirate. But there's one more thing that bugs Tab about pirate movies . . .

Back in the good ol' days, you could just go to the theater, buy your ticket, go in, and pick a seat. Any seat. Got there before everyone else? Then you get literally any seat in the house! Enjoy! But not anymore! There's a growing trend of buying your movie tickets online (which is degenerate, by the way) and having your specific seat in the theater saved for you. You don't even have to get off of your lazy butt and get to the theater early; you can just have mommy and daddy coddle you. Pretty soon, you won't even need to drive yourself to the movies; they'll offer a service where someone comes to your house and carries you, like the crippled writer in Clockwork Orange. But while being toted around by David Prowse (look it up) may be fine to you, it's not to us. There's an old saying, "The early bird gets the worm." Well, I'm not too keen on eating worms, but if I get to the theater before you, I'm taking whatever seat I want, and if that happens to be the one you reserved, too bad. You can go pound sand. I was here first. What's that? You're getting the usher to come deal with me? Good luck, sucker! I out-weigh that pimply prick by a good hundred and fifty pounds. I'd love to see him try to force me out of this chair. You just have fun with that. It'll probably be more entertaining than the movie, anyway!

Our buddy Sage calls in again, and we get a surprise voicemail from a super-villain! Which one? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 31 - "Alexa, Where's My Package?"

Once again into the breach, and by "breach" I mean technical frustrations!  I swear, whenever we're doing the show via Skype, things just get more and more frustrating, but in just a couple more episodes, we'll be back in studio, so please bear with us as we tackle the following issues:

-Delivery Tracking
-Cuddlists
-DIY
-Weaponized Consent Laws

It's a staple of the modern age, it seems, to order something online.  From tools to entertainment to food, we click the "confirm" button and the excitement begins to set in as we eagerly await whatever it is we've spent our hard-earned money on.  And, to heighten that sense of expectation, you can now track your shipment on every leg of its journey, and even see when it's supposed to arrive.  The key words being "supposed to".  But even Alexa can't make the delivery driver competent, and when they screw up and your precious, anticipated package doesn't find its way into your hot little hands, it's upsetting.  Very upsetting.  Upsetting enough to make one need the reasurring comfort of human touch, like a hug.  But what if you're just too socially inept to score a hug without money exchanging hands?  Well . . .

Like most folks these days, Uncle Buck is way too addicted to Facebook.  And every so often, he runs across something so strange, so backwards, so inexplicably stupid that he just can't wrap his head around it.  But could he wrap his arms around it?  I'm talking, of course, about Professional Cuddlists.  What are those, you may ask?  They're charlatans who have somehow managed to make a living by selling non-sexual physical contact.  Like hugs.  Or cuddling.  Or dry humping?  But, it seems like most folks chicks don't need to hire a professional to hug or hump them; they can find that on their own.  But maybe some things you shouldn't be doing on your own . . .

As one comedian put it, Pinterest is where your girlfriend stares at her phone for eight hours and then you eat salad out of a mason jar.  But, aside from helping birth the Ten Word List perk for our Patreon subscribers, it's also a place that convinces the least skilled among us that they too can slap together some ramshackle monstrosity and boldly declare "nailed it!" to the world.  Well, how about when the "nailed it" refers to the rusty nails that you failed to remove from pallet wood that pierces your skin somewhere and requires a tetanus shot?  Or how about if your DIY playhouse collapses and kills your dog?  Let's face it, sometimes taking a half-assed stab at something just because you saw it on the internet isn't such a good idea.  Sometimes trying to do it yourself will only get you screwed, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.  But speaking of blaming people for screwing you . . .

If you're one of those folks who has managed to shed your professional cuddlists and found some actual human affection in the real world, watch out, because even though money isn't exchanging hands, sex is getting to where it requires a signed contract.  Why?  Because of weaponized consent laws, so that even though yes means yes, sometimes it can also mean no.  Especially during or after the fact.  And whereas some folks are decent enough to talk things over before the banging begins, sometimes you wind up in these situations and find that things aren't going as planned.  Consent laws are, on the surface, a great thing that give victims of rape a voice to hold their attacker accountable, but that pendulum can swing both ways.  It's very easy for any rule to be abused, and when that abuse is used to accuse someone of rape, you can permanently ruin someone's personal and professional reputation.  Buck talks about a solution, but it may not be for everyone.

Our buddy Sage calls in three separate voicemails, and our Aussie buddy Pork Hunt gives his two cents on the Air Compressor debate.  Whose side did he take?  Find out on this week's episode!