Bonus Episode 19 - Water Heater Hacks

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

The heat is on, folks. On the stove, in the sky, oppressing the ones you love with it's sweltering radiance. Here at Here's What I Don't Get, we're trying to keep cool by any means necessary, cold showers, popsicles, the works. We find what works best is sticking the following do gets in the freezer for about 15 minutes:

- Hot Water
- Cooking Competition shows
- Bullying
- Getting rid of things

Due to the amount of rage Tab has to deal with, he often comes home from a long day of work covered in the blood of various people. A mildly warm shower won't take care of that. No, you need a black market shower head built for elephants, and a hacked water heater. The steam opens up your pores, you know.

Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen, Top Chef, MasterChef, Tim loves 'em all. Can't get enough. Seriously. And Tab has a problem with that. High cuisine and fine dining are a whole other world it seems. Prepare yourselves for a four course meal in what may be the most controversial do get yet.

Bullying. A little goes a long way. No one should be getting pounded in the face for wearing glasses, but just like in exercise where you break down those muscles and they grow back stronger, a little bullying and standing up to it prepares you for life. Unfortunately, zero tolerance policies these days let the kids know that defending yourself is wrong. Sounds to me like the school administrators need a bit of bullying themselves.

Minimalism, it's all the rage these days. Living minimally means getting rid of those superfluous things that take up all that room. Burn them if you have to. Just get rid of them. With flames. Dancing against the night sky. The ashes land on your tongue. They taste sweetly of bitterness. The fire is in us all. Release it.

Thanks for supporting the podcast folks, we couldn't do it without you! I mean, we could, but it wouldn't be as fun. Don't forget to Vote on Next Month's Commentary 

Tab and Tim Watch: Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Available now to all $10 Patrons

It was a close call in the voting this month and we had to actually go deep into the rankings to figure out a clear winner. So we will be updating the votes for a ranked choice vote point system. The winner with 82 points for May was Tucker and Dale vs Evil a movie half of us have seen. It actually turns out really good, we both enjoyed it and you will too. Thanks for supporting the show this month and don't forget to submit the next movie!

Minisode 6 - Patreon, We Shrunk Ourselves

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Sliding in at the last second is April's Minisode where we discuss these minor issues.

- The Room
- The Premature Nod Off
- People That Don't Eat Pizza Crusts
- The Inconsistency of Movie Popcorn
- Post Movie Shoes
- The 45 Minute Snow Day Make Up

What may be the most boring movie ever made, The Room. Why do people watch this movie? Ironically? No you're all idiots this movie is bad, and you should feel bad, it puts me to sleep.

Putting me to sleep, well that is our second issue, nodding off prematurely. You're sitting there, you start nodding off, you decide you've earned a little siesta. Lay down... WELL FUCK YOU NOW IT'S TIME TO LAY WIDE AWAKE!! Thinking about all the people that have wronged you.

One of those people, the asshole that doesn't eat pizza crust. Mother fucker, you have eaten a fuck load of crust up to the end, and now you have a problem. K-k-k-k-k-kill Yourself.

Speaking of eating a fuckload of things, why the fuck can't I get decent popcorn for $10? Microwave popcorn is always perfect yet somehow a bag of popcorn that costs more than the employees working there make in an hour can't meet a consistent quality assurance level? God damnit.

Then post movie all that shitty popcorn that you dropped on the floor? Now you have styrofoam feet, I hope that polished concrete isn't too slick or you might die.

Finally schools were closed here in OK for two weeks so the teachers could cry about money. Instead of making those days up at the end of the year (Or you know, having the teachers do their fucking job), they get to make them up by adding 45 minutes to each school day getting kids out later and teaching them fuck nothing.

Well that is this month's episode, thanks for supporting the show everyone, we'll see you next month. May's commentary will be a couple days late, due to Tim and I's schedules not lining up. Plus we may be having a special guest for Episode 75 this week. Stay tuned.

The Room, Premature Nod Off, People That Don't Eat Crusts, Inconsistent Movie Popcorn, Post Movie Shoes, Snow Day Make Up

Bonus Episode 18 - Special Delivery

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

It’s that time of the month again. Time to crank up the tunes and put on your dancing shoes, because Here’s What I DO Get is finally here. Take our hand and let us lead you to the dance floor and boogie down, just don’t step on our shoes as we dance to the sweet sounds of:

-Not Being the New Guy
-The Circus
-Coheed and Cambria
-Socks

Being the new person anywhere tends to suck, work, school, you name it. It’s awkward, you stand out, and people call you “New Kid” instead of your actual name. So, as soon as someone takes your place, there’s a big wave of relief that washes over you. But on the other hand, you no longer have that extra shield to save you from mistakes. Before you know it, you’re calling them “new guy” too.

You wanna get pumped to go to the circus? Two words: Sabre Dance. It’s high flying danger, jaunty comedy, and goddamn lions jumping through goddamn flaming hoops, what else could you want?! You don’t want to see a Mad Max style motorcycle stunt called THE GLOBE OF DEATH? What’s wrong with you?

Look, Tim’s into some weird stuff, alright? So it’s no surprise that his favorite band is an emo/prog/punk/rock band that sings about almost-human robots with gun arms and telekinetic powers, and spaceship battles, and poisoning your children, and viruses that can blow up galaxies, and blue-skinned killer angel ladies, and that’s just the FIRST album! He likes them a lot, and he’ll talk his head off to you about them, but he won’t be pushy about it.

Socks! They’re shoes without the hassle of laces, stretchy enough to cover holiday bloating, cheap enough to have lots of, and diverse enough to have whatever the hell you want printed on them. Tab’s a pretty straightforward all black socks kinda guy, but Tim’s got all kinds of colored and patterned socks. 

All this, plus we talk about the ethical quandaries of cheating in school, and we open our first viewer mailbag! As always thanks for supporting the show, remember to vote for next month’s movie commentary, and we’ll see you next time.

Tab and Tim Watch - Crank 2: High Voltage

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Available now for all $10 Patrons

This movie was a far more psychotic romp than either one of us remembered. Filled with overly graphic violence, fake Joseph Gordon Levitts, Shot Guns in asses, horses on parade, and most importantly high voltage. This movie is far better than Rubber and we want to thank you that fans for it. Don't forget to suggest the next movie in May!

Minisode 5 - I Got a Lousy Ticket

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Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome fans to the smallest episode of the month. Minisode 5 where we discuss these small ball issues.
- Weird Hairs
- Being Hot & Cold at the same time
- Contacts
- Not winning a bike at the circus
- Online Volumization
- Tweet Diatribes

You're getting to that ripe old age of 27 and what are you getting? Weird fuckin hairs growing from areas they shouldn't be growing from. What the fuck is your deal? If you want to be a beard hair grow in the beard, if you want to be a chest hair grow on the chest. YOU'RE IN NO MAN'S LAND YOU CUNT!

The only thing worse than that is the bodies temperature regulation system that in the dire emergency of being in bed, decides to cut its losses with the arms and face and crank up the heat for the legs and the back of your head. Hey stupid body, if you just sent it to the parts not under the blanket I'd certainly survive.

Tim almost had a catastrophic accident this week, following our mini news segment he blinked way too hard and sent his contact lens into the corner of his eye pausing the show for several minutes. Journalists like Tim Pool experience this level of danger every day, and god bless them for it.

Back on track I bring in an issue 24 years in the making. Not winning a bike at the circus. You could say my family is circus addicted, we go all the time, there is never a bad time to go to the circus. Every time intermission rolls around and we go looking in the program, "Is this year our year" we hope to ourselves. NO, NO IT FUCKING ISN'T! At this point all of the circuses should just give us a bike as a thank you for our years of patronage.

Do you ever watch youtube videos and think man, I can barely hear this, and then swap to another one and go deaf? Yeah apparently google can protect us from googling bad words but they can't be bothered to run an algorithm to equalize the audio levels on all of their videos. Sons of bitches.

Finally this description will be shared on twitter for everyone to see what they are missing, it will only take 9 tweets to do it too. I know I could just post a link to this patreon page, but I'm a fuck face jonesing for some twitter likes like a moron.

Thanks again for sponsoring us this month on HWIDG we hope to see you next month for some more amazing shows. As Joel used to say, Ciao Ciao Mother Fuckers.

Bonus Episode 17 - Black Panther for HWIDG Fans

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Available now for all $5 Patrons

Welcome back patrons to another round up of all those things we DO get this month. This time we're discussing these very important issues.

- A Full 8 Hours
- Peanut Butter
- Hats
- Halloween

Every 10 minutes some one participates in the sleep olympics, you know what I am talking about. "Oh last night I only slept 3 hours." "That's nothing, I only slept 2 hours, 3 days ago." "OH YEAH, Well I haven't slept since I was a child." At the end of the day the winner is still the biggest loser, because you and me, we planned our lives properly and got that sweet sweet 8 hours last night, and every night. The best part of waking up, is realizing it's before your alarm and you can go back to sleep.

The next best part of waking up is peanut butter, not just for tricking your dog into licking your balls. Peanut Butter is the perfect combo of protein and sugar. You can use it for a healthy lunch, and then for desert add a pound of sugar and bake for 20 - 25 minutes into a Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookie. Who was there for you when your lunch account ran out for one fucking day, and god forbid the lunch lady just let you eat the regular lunch and figure your family could pay back the $2 the next day? A peanut butter sandwich, that's who, and don't you forget it.

This show has had a long running gag of the hat and shades meme. I'll be honest, I don't get it. I was worried when I joined the show they were gonna make me get a trump hat, fortunately that didn't happen. Hats were a great invention, they keep your hair looking nice, and if you're bald like a certain ass blasted armenian, or dipshit online journalist a hat can protect your frail ego. A hat is also a tool, think of all the cool shit you could be doing with a hat right now.

It may seem premature but it is time to start thinking about Halloween. That's right you only have six months to hit the gym to fit into that slutty outfit that might as well be underwear this Halloween. If Christmas can slowly bleed the life out of the Calendar it's time other holidays challenge it and Halloween should be the one. It has no religious overtones, except for the dumb fuck assholes that call it "The Devil's Birthday." It's fun no matter what age you are, and the decorations look cool as shit. What other time of year can you get pulled over with a body in the trunk and laugh it off? That's what I thought.

As always thank you to all of the patrons here at HWIDG. You keep the show going with your support. Join the Discord if you haven't already and vote on the issues and talk to us about what you don't get. Also don't forget to vote on this month's movie commentary


Tab and Tim Watch - Episode 4 Rubber

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Available now for all $10 Patrons

In what may be the worst pitched movie of all time, a tire becomes sentient and kills a town. The tire is pretty cool it has feelings, you start to understand it. Two big problems, 1 they put a framing device in to justify why the movie sucks, and 2 they show the tire kill pretty much nobody. This may be one of the worst films we've ever seen. Sit back and watch it with us though, hopefully you get a laugh.

You guys are the only ones submitting movies this month so be on the look out for that survey that posts right along side this. Thanks for the support for March and we'll catch you next month.

Tab & Tim

Minisode 4 - It's Not Gay, It's Just Fruit

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Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome Patreonis to an episode so small you can barely see it. This month the little things that are nagging us are.

- Sore Throats
- Throwers
- Bananas
- Google Image Search
- Liking Penis
- Cold Contact Solution

There is a terrible feeling in life and it's having a sore throat. Days of misery in what might be your most important orifice. What's worse is that there about about 400 ways to get one and the only way to cure it is patience.

About that impatience, nothing is worse than an impatient fuck in your game throwing the thing because he thinks you suck. Hey dipshit, maybe if you played with the team instead of trying to be the one man greatest douche on earth, we could win.

About this time in the show, Tim decides he needs to desperately share a message with me. It's a picture of his lousy tea, so I made it the thumbnail. Now you too get to experience the Anus.

If you want to know more about things that don't go in your anus unless you are an atheist, look no further than bananas. What a shitty fruit you buy it and 40 minutes later it's decomposed into dirt. Science has given us a lot of things but bananas that don't suck isn't one of them.

In the latest way google fuck us all in the ass was the removal of the open image button. Yet again some company got their panties in a wad because people were able to use the internet fully, and google's white guilt stepped in and fucked the user. Thanks google, thanks so much.

Something else that fucks you is a penis, and I just don't get what the appeal is. Who wants a penis, I mean really.

Finally the weak among us that need daily prosthetic correction to not get themselves killed have a gripe. Putting cold contacts in your eyes. If we lived in the Hobbesian state of nature you'd all be dead. So count your blessings.

Well that's it until next month. Thanks for supporting the show, and stay peeled for Episode 66 coming soon! 

Bonus Episode 16

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

This month on Here’s What I Do Get:  
* Puzzles
* Shutting The Fuck Up
* Being Right
* Turning It Off

Sure you're a lazy do nothing who weighs 400 lbs, what are you going to do exercise? No. Unless you're exercising your mind. Puzzles aren't just movie posters that Edward Scissorhands got a hold of. You can do them on your phone or the computer. Put numbers in boxes, or letters, or rearrange some letters. Unwind with a puzzle, you've earned it.

While you enjoy that puzzle, here is something low calorie, vegan, and gluten free. Shutting the Fuck Up. Look, we've all had that thought, but next time instead of saying it, just Shut the Fuck Up. Maybe your wife won't yell at you for 10 minutes. Online argument not going the way you planned? Here's a steaming hot cup of STFU. Shutting the Fuck Up now at Walmart.

Unfortunately you can't always Shut the Fuck Up, and when that happens you gotta be right. Being right is the greatest feeling on Earth. Those three little words that make you the king of everything "You Were Right." Who doesn't have a great day when they are proven right. You may never hear that though, because the other party may learn the lesson and never tell you, but you know, deep down in your heart. You were right.

Finally right after this episode what are you going to do? Turn it off. Sometimes you just need to get away from the world and the constant pings and beeps of the digital world and be human again. Go to dinner and leave your phone in the car. Turn off the TV and play a game with your family. Just turn it all off for a little bit and see how not being on all the time feels good.

Well that wraps it up for this months bonus episode. We'll be seeing you in a couple weeks for the Minisode with a very special guest. If you're wallet is feeling a little bit fat why not double your pledge and vote in the Monthly Movie Commentary and catch it with us on March 1st. Thanks for supporting the show!

Minisode 3 - With Tim

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Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Tim comes screeching into the Madcucks Studios hot and heavy and we talk about some important, yet microscopic issues.

- Flimsy Physical Media
- Too Short of a Chairs
- Too many small plates
- Too Tight Pants
- Sleeping at a New Place
- Not Seeing the Hulk's Penis

You know how you spent a little extra to get your favorite book, or maybe that movie or video game you've been wanting? Well guess what, it's falling apart because they cut a bunch of little holes in your Blu-Ray Case. That book is a paper back and it's curved and split all to fuck. Now I have no reason to live.

Speaking of no reason to live, short people must inhabit the world of office chairs because they are always too goddamn low to the ground. The adjustment is ass on the ground, or ass hovering slightly above the ground. Hey how about knees at a 45 degree angle and a little bit of rockback you cheap cocks.

You know what would cut food costs down? Not having to have a dishwasher wash 40 small saucers instead of one regular sized plate. It's like they are setting up a model of the solar system and your table is the canvas. Hey asshole, if I wanted to explore outer space, I'd watch Star Trek.

Star Trek is great, but you know what it is rife with? Too tight of pants. In the future everyone is wearing spandex and it's camel toe's and moose knuckles from here to Betelgeuse. You know who wants tight pants? Women, and they can't stop complaining about how they don't have pockets that work. Some how companies figured men were so tired of hearing this complaint that we wanted to end it by also wearing tight pants.

As long as we're registering complaints, Tim wants to complain about the lodgings I provided for him. Look Tim, you got a sofa, with nearly 0 privacy, a blanket, and a crack head next door shouting until three in the morning. You can't fucking sleep? Tough luck. I once slept on the floor because Tim fell asleep playing video games at a friends house and that was the only option.

Finally we watched Thor Ragnarok and they make a huge plot point of Banner's too tight of pants, yet when he turns into the Hulk at the end of the movie those pants magically expand to not be too tight on the Hulk. Look I'm not into Penises, but we should have at least seen some neck and tasteful editing. Goddamn.

Well that's this minisode that somehow got a longer write up than some regular episodes.   

Tab & Tim Watch #2 - Robocop (1987) & Robocop (2014)

Available now for all $10 Patrons

Well, you did it! Your first pick for us was both Robocops at the same time, so we did it! It was a little awkward at first, but we got used to it eventually, making sure to spend a little bit of time on each one so that the other one didn’t get jealous. Chances like this don’t come around very often, so we’re grateful you let us, cause we sure enjoyed ourselves. So grab some nuke, rig up your data spiken, and sit down with us as we take on Robocop and Robocop

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Tab & Tim Watch: Hunter Prey

Available Now for all $10 Patrons

Welcome to your new monthly reward, patrons! Every month we'll sit down and watch a movie of your choice, whether we like it or not! This first episode is an exception though, as we start off with an indie sci-fi flick that has a sordid past with us. So grab a ten dollar soda, an industrial sized tub of buttered popcorn, and sit down with us as we take on Hunter Prey! 

The film can be found here on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h5KG-iiwbtA, or by whatever other shifty means you can find.

Bonus Episode 15

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

Here's What We Do Get this month:
* Silence
* Filtered Water
* Organizing Files
* Ad-blockers 

 Tab Blows the episode intro so badly we almost had to cancel the show. 

Speaking of cancelling the show, that would leave you our first do get this month. Silence. Silence is the feeling of taking off your shoes at the end of a long day. Silence is that first bite of a delicious steak. Silence is the only non physical entity described as gold. 

What else is gold?   Well that water filter in your fridge, it's the gold standard separating you from being healthy, or living in Flint Michigan. Wether it's attached to the back of your fridge like a hideous mole, or a plastic contraption constantly needing to be refilled filtered water is great.   What is a water filter really if not just an organized and specifc place to store your water? 

That's why Tim gets Organizing Files, we go off the deep end into a really hot and heavy discussion on file storage on our computers does someone pop a boner?   You'll never know because that Boner, had an advertisement for some obnoxious cereal on the tip of it and you aren't an idiot, you use ad block. 

Remember the days when searching for porn was followed quickly by a scan with your anti-virus? Not anymore, now you're more likely to get a virus visiting imgur or CNN because they used some shittier ad server. Please though, put some stupid thing in my face about turning off ad block.  

Thanks once again for Supporting the show, stay tuned for a Minisode coming on the 30th, and Madcucks vs Discuckery coming back to finish the season!

Dicktation - Rambo First Blood

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Available to all $2 Patrons

Many months ago I visited Dick Masterson and in the Mountain Bunker and watched a horrifically violent movie that made the career of the biggest mumbler in Hollywood History!

Visit again as Dick Masterson and I host of The Dick Show talk about random mumbo jumbo as we watch Rambo First Blood. During the episode I was offered a free gun, did I get it? The answer is I live in a place where I'm not allowed to have firearms so no.

Awesome thumbnail by Call of the Deep.

Minisode 3 - With Buck

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Audio available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Video Available now to all $5 Patrons!

ThankTHnullTHnulTHTHnullTHnulTThanksThankTHnullTHnulTHTHnullTHnulTTYup.

(What you see above is what happens when I try to post to patreon from my phone.  I was gonna come to my pc and fix it, but I decided it should stay.  Thanks for your support, everyone!)