Bonus Episode 19 - Water Heater Hacks

Available now to all $5 Patrons!

The heat is on, folks. On the stove, in the sky, oppressing the ones you love with it's sweltering radiance. Here at Here's What I Don't Get, we're trying to keep cool by any means necessary, cold showers, popsicles, the works. We find what works best is sticking the following do gets in the freezer for about 15 minutes:

- Hot Water
- Cooking Competition shows
- Bullying
- Getting rid of things

Due to the amount of rage Tab has to deal with, he often comes home from a long day of work covered in the blood of various people. A mildly warm shower won't take care of that. No, you need a black market shower head built for elephants, and a hacked water heater. The steam opens up your pores, you know.

Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen, Top Chef, MasterChef, Tim loves 'em all. Can't get enough. Seriously. And Tab has a problem with that. High cuisine and fine dining are a whole other world it seems. Prepare yourselves for a four course meal in what may be the most controversial do get yet.

Bullying. A little goes a long way. No one should be getting pounded in the face for wearing glasses, but just like in exercise where you break down those muscles and they grow back stronger, a little bullying and standing up to it prepares you for life. Unfortunately, zero tolerance policies these days let the kids know that defending yourself is wrong. Sounds to me like the school administrators need a bit of bullying themselves.

Minimalism, it's all the rage these days. Living minimally means getting rid of those superfluous things that take up all that room. Burn them if you have to. Just get rid of them. With flames. Dancing against the night sky. The ashes land on your tongue. They taste sweetly of bitterness. The fire is in us all. Release it.

Thanks for supporting the podcast folks, we couldn't do it without you! I mean, we could, but it wouldn't be as fun. Don't forget to Vote on Next Month's Commentary 

Road To Infinity War - Episode 10 - Guardians of the Galaxy

Available now for all $2 Patrons!

Tim joins me for this thrilling recap of what may be the most fun movie of the MCU. I know Infinity War is out, but I'll keep powering through these until the end with a big recap of Infinity War at the end.

Tab and Tim Watch: Tucker and Dale vs Evil

Available now to all $10 Patrons

It was a close call in the voting this month and we had to actually go deep into the rankings to figure out a clear winner. So we will be updating the votes for a ranked choice vote point system. The winner with 82 points for May was Tucker and Dale vs Evil a movie half of us have seen. It actually turns out really good, we both enjoyed it and you will too. Thanks for supporting the show this month and don't forget to submit the next movie!

Minisode 6 - Patreon, We Shrunk Ourselves

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Sliding in at the last second is April's Minisode where we discuss these minor issues.

- The Room
- The Premature Nod Off
- People That Don't Eat Pizza Crusts
- The Inconsistency of Movie Popcorn
- Post Movie Shoes
- The 45 Minute Snow Day Make Up

What may be the most boring movie ever made, The Room. Why do people watch this movie? Ironically? No you're all idiots this movie is bad, and you should feel bad, it puts me to sleep.

Putting me to sleep, well that is our second issue, nodding off prematurely. You're sitting there, you start nodding off, you decide you've earned a little siesta. Lay down... WELL FUCK YOU NOW IT'S TIME TO LAY WIDE AWAKE!! Thinking about all the people that have wronged you.

One of those people, the asshole that doesn't eat pizza crust. Mother fucker, you have eaten a fuck load of crust up to the end, and now you have a problem. K-k-k-k-k-kill Yourself.

Speaking of eating a fuckload of things, why the fuck can't I get decent popcorn for $10? Microwave popcorn is always perfect yet somehow a bag of popcorn that costs more than the employees working there make in an hour can't meet a consistent quality assurance level? God damnit.

Then post movie all that shitty popcorn that you dropped on the floor? Now you have styrofoam feet, I hope that polished concrete isn't too slick or you might die.

Finally schools were closed here in OK for two weeks so the teachers could cry about money. Instead of making those days up at the end of the year (Or you know, having the teachers do their fucking job), they get to make them up by adding 45 minutes to each school day getting kids out later and teaching them fuck nothing.

Well that is this month's episode, thanks for supporting the show everyone, we'll see you next month. May's commentary will be a couple days late, due to Tim and I's schedules not lining up. Plus we may be having a special guest for Episode 75 this week. Stay tuned.

The Room, Premature Nod Off, People That Don't Eat Crusts, Inconsistent Movie Popcorn, Post Movie Shoes, Snow Day Make Up

Road to Infinity War - Episode 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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The movie that I have seen in theaters nearly a dozen times, Captain America The Winter Soldier. When Hydra re-emerges Captain America calls no one else and solves the fucking problem himself. Meanwhile The Winter Soldier is hunting him down, will it be his best friend Bucky? The answer may shock you.

In what may be the best of the MCU, this movie delivers on everything but excessive jokes. Watch it, watch it right now.

Coming next is Guardians of the Galaxy with Tim the Handle Breaker

Road to Infinity War - Episode 8 - Thor: The Dark World

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In the first of the unnumbered sequels of the MCU we have Thor: The Dark World. The evil Doctor Who has returned from somewhere to bring an end to the universe, because reasons...

Is this the worst of the MCU? Does Jane foster become more than a cardboard standee, or will she take a name through a good portion of the film? Will this be the shortest episode of Road to Infinity War? Listen to find out!

Road to Infinity War - Episode 7 - Iron Man 3

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Well boys and girls it is time for Phase II and not the one where we make tesseract weapons despite not having the tesseract. No this is Phase II of the MCU where the movies get jokier, and the heroes get sullener. I watched Iron Man 3 some say the worst of the Iron Man franchise do I agree do I disagree? You'll have to listen to find out. Big thanks to myself from 5 years ago for the thumbnail art I made in an art class. Next up is everyone's favorite, Thor: The Dark World.

Bonus Episode 18 - Special Delivery

Available now to all $5 Patrons!

It’s that time of the month again. Time to crank up the tunes and put on your dancing shoes, because Here’s What I DO Get is finally here. Take our hand and let us lead you to the dance floor and boogie down, just don’t step on our shoes as we dance to the sweet sounds of:

-Not Being the New Guy
-The Circus
-Coheed and Cambria
-Socks

Being the new person anywhere tends to suck, work, school, you name it. It’s awkward, you stand out, and people call you “New Kid” instead of your actual name. So, as soon as someone takes your place, there’s a big wave of relief that washes over you. But on the other hand, you no longer have that extra shield to save you from mistakes. Before you know it, you’re calling them “new guy” too.

You wanna get pumped to go to the circus? Two words: Sabre Dance. It’s high flying danger, jaunty comedy, and goddamn lions jumping through goddamn flaming hoops, what else could you want?! You don’t want to see a Mad Max style motorcycle stunt called THE GLOBE OF DEATH? What’s wrong with you?

Look, Tim’s into some weird stuff, alright? So it’s no surprise that his favorite band is an emo/prog/punk/rock band that sings about almost-human robots with gun arms and telekinetic powers, and spaceship battles, and poisoning your children, and viruses that can blow up galaxies, and blue-skinned killer angel ladies, and that’s just the FIRST album! He likes them a lot, and he’ll talk his head off to you about them, but he won’t be pushy about it.

Socks! They’re shoes without the hassle of laces, stretchy enough to cover holiday bloating, cheap enough to have lots of, and diverse enough to have whatever the hell you want printed on them. Tab’s a pretty straightforward all black socks kinda guy, but Tim’s got all kinds of colored and patterned socks. 

All this, plus we talk about the ethical quandaries of cheating in school, and we open our first viewer mailbag! As always thanks for supporting the show, remember to vote for next month’s movie commentary, and we’ll see you next time.

Road to Infinity War - The Avengers

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This is a triple long episode of the Road, with Special Guest Tim the Handle Breaker. We talk about how many times we've seen this movie in theaters. We talk about the highs and lows in the film. Those little details you might have missed. What does the future of the MCU look like post Infinity War? Is this movie still one of the best in the MCU? We decide you should agree. Tim also announces when he'll appear for Phase II, and drops a hint for when he'll be in on Phase III. I hope you're still enjoying the show as we get into Phase II with Iron Man 3.

Road to Infinity War - Captain America: The First Avenger

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This is a long episode, but we go really in depth about what works and what doesn't with this film on the eve of the first Avengers movie. I really thoroughly enjoyed this movie from start to finish while watching it again, it was a really fun story and well told. There are some hiccups, but overall it's enjoyable. Next up is the Biggest movie of the decade The Avengers with Special Guest Tim the Handlebreaker.

OUTTAKES - Buck's Sleep Over Story

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

In the interests of time management, this anecdote from Uncle Buck was taken out of the last episode. Not that there was anything wrong with it, just that the episode flowed better with it taken out, so that we could get to Randy's issue quicker.

So, for our Patreon supporters, here's a quick fix to munch on.

Road to Infinity War - Thor

Available now for all $2 Patrons!

In something of an upset my pre-watch gives a better review of this movie than the post-watch! Is it because Natalie Portman is wooden? Maybe it's bcause Thor doesn't wear his sweet ass helmet. In any case it took me three sessions to watch this movie in full because I was not feeling it. Stay tuned next up is Captain America: The First Avenger

Tab and Tim Watch - Crank 2: High Voltage

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This movie was a far more psychotic romp than either one of us remembered. Filled with overly graphic violence, fake Joseph Gordon Levitts, Shot Guns in asses, horses on parade, and most importantly high voltage. This movie is far better than Rubber and we want to thank you that fans for it. Don't forget to suggest the next movie in May!

Minisode 5 - I Got a Lousy Ticket

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Welcome fans to the smallest episode of the month. Minisode 5 where we discuss these small ball issues.
- Weird Hairs
- Being Hot & Cold at the same time
- Contacts
- Not winning a bike at the circus
- Online Volumization
- Tweet Diatribes

You're getting to that ripe old age of 27 and what are you getting? Weird fuckin hairs growing from areas they shouldn't be growing from. What the fuck is your deal? If you want to be a beard hair grow in the beard, if you want to be a chest hair grow on the chest. YOU'RE IN NO MAN'S LAND YOU CUNT!

The only thing worse than that is the bodies temperature regulation system that in the dire emergency of being in bed, decides to cut its losses with the arms and face and crank up the heat for the legs and the back of your head. Hey stupid body, if you just sent it to the parts not under the blanket I'd certainly survive.

Tim almost had a catastrophic accident this week, following our mini news segment he blinked way too hard and sent his contact lens into the corner of his eye pausing the show for several minutes. Journalists like Tim Pool experience this level of danger every day, and god bless them for it.

Back on track I bring in an issue 24 years in the making. Not winning a bike at the circus. You could say my family is circus addicted, we go all the time, there is never a bad time to go to the circus. Every time intermission rolls around and we go looking in the program, "Is this year our year" we hope to ourselves. NO, NO IT FUCKING ISN'T! At this point all of the circuses should just give us a bike as a thank you for our years of patronage.

Do you ever watch youtube videos and think man, I can barely hear this, and then swap to another one and go deaf? Yeah apparently google can protect us from googling bad words but they can't be bothered to run an algorithm to equalize the audio levels on all of their videos. Sons of bitches.

Finally this description will be shared on twitter for everyone to see what they are missing, it will only take 9 tweets to do it too. I know I could just post a link to this patreon page, but I'm a fuck face jonesing for some twitter likes like a moron.

Thanks again for sponsoring us this month on HWIDG we hope to see you next month for some more amazing shows. As Joel used to say, Ciao Ciao Mother Fuckers.

Road to Infinity War - Iron Man 2

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In this sequel to Iron Man, Tony Stark fights the system against IP Theft and military conscription. He also has a battle against a bunch of robots so the stakes have never been lower. What are the ups and downs of this often derided MCU film? It will only take you 30 minutes to find out!

Road to Infinity War: Incredible Hulk

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Next up on the run down of the 19 MCU movies before April 27th is 2008's Incredible Hulk starring Edward Norton. In what may be the Worst film of the MCU we see how bad a Marvel movie can be while still being vastly superior to all of the DC movies that weren't directed by Christopher Nolan.

In creating the Hulk Cock thumbnail I googled Hulk Cock and oh boy was that a rabbit hole you should go down immediately. Hope you enjoy this episode coming up next is Iron Man 2.

Road to Infinity War - Iron Man

Available now for all $2 Patrons!

Welcome friends to the replacement for watching Discovery. Now I will be watching something I actually enjoy and I'll talk about it for a half hour or so. Gonna hit all 18 movies in the Marvel Cinematic Universe before April 27th. It's a long haul but one man can do it and his name is Tab.

 Iron Man

The first movie in the Marvel Cinematic Universe, before it even had a name we had Robert Downey Jr. playing himself on the big screen. I still hold this movie in high regards but watching all the films in a short span may change that. Are you ready for Infinity War? Did you catch all the hidden easter eggs, but more importantly, why is the Air Force tracking station for the middle east in LA? Why do they wear all kinds of different headsets? Why do Rhoadey and the angry white man wear their headsets wrong? Did I ask any of those questions this episode? Only one way to find out!

Bonus Episode 17 - Black Panther for HWIDG Fans

Available now for all $5 Patrons

Welcome back patrons to another round up of all those things we DO get this month. This time we're discussing these very important issues.

- A Full 8 Hours
- Peanut Butter
- Hats
- Halloween

Every 10 minutes some one participates in the sleep olympics, you know what I am talking about. "Oh last night I only slept 3 hours." "That's nothing, I only slept 2 hours, 3 days ago." "OH YEAH, Well I haven't slept since I was a child." At the end of the day the winner is still the biggest loser, because you and me, we planned our lives properly and got that sweet sweet 8 hours last night, and every night. The best part of waking up, is realizing it's before your alarm and you can go back to sleep.

The next best part of waking up is peanut butter, not just for tricking your dog into licking your balls. Peanut Butter is the perfect combo of protein and sugar. You can use it for a healthy lunch, and then for desert add a pound of sugar and bake for 20 - 25 minutes into a Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookie. Who was there for you when your lunch account ran out for one fucking day, and god forbid the lunch lady just let you eat the regular lunch and figure your family could pay back the $2 the next day? A peanut butter sandwich, that's who, and don't you forget it.

This show has had a long running gag of the hat and shades meme. I'll be honest, I don't get it. I was worried when I joined the show they were gonna make me get a trump hat, fortunately that didn't happen. Hats were a great invention, they keep your hair looking nice, and if you're bald like a certain ass blasted armenian, or dipshit online journalist a hat can protect your frail ego. A hat is also a tool, think of all the cool shit you could be doing with a hat right now.

It may seem premature but it is time to start thinking about Halloween. That's right you only have six months to hit the gym to fit into that slutty outfit that might as well be underwear this Halloween. If Christmas can slowly bleed the life out of the Calendar it's time other holidays challenge it and Halloween should be the one. It has no religious overtones, except for the dumb fuck assholes that call it "The Devil's Birthday." It's fun no matter what age you are, and the decorations look cool as shit. What other time of year can you get pulled over with a body in the trunk and laugh it off? That's what I thought.

As always thank you to all of the patrons here at HWIDG. You keep the show going with your support. Join the Discord if you haven't already and vote on the issues and talk to us about what you don't get. Also don't forget to vote on this month's movie commentary! 

Tab and Tim Watch - Episode 4 Rubber

Available now for all $10 Patrons

In what may be the worst pitched movie of all time, a tire becomes sentient and kills a town. The tire is pretty cool it has feelings, you start to understand it. Two big problems, 1 they put a framing device in to justify why the movie sucks, and 2 they show the tire kill pretty much nobody. This may be one of the worst films we've ever seen. Sit back and watch it with us though, hopefully you get a laugh.

You guys are the only ones submitting movies this month so be on the look out for that survey that posts right along side this. Thanks for the support for March and we'll catch you next month.

Tab & Tim

Minisode 4 - It's Not Gay, It's Just Fruit

Available now for all HWIDG Patrons!

Welcome Patreonis to an episode so small you can barely see it. This month the little things that are nagging us are.

- Sore Throats
- Throwers
- Bananas
- Google Image Search
- Liking Penis
- Cold Contact Solution

There is a terrible feeling in life and it's having a sore throat. Days of misery in what might be your most important orifice. What's worse is that there about about 400 ways to get one and the only way to cure it is patience.

About that impatience, nothing is worse than an impatient fuck in your game throwing the thing because he thinks you suck. Hey dipshit, maybe if you played with the team instead of trying to be the one man greatest douche on earth, we could win.

About this time in the show, Tim decides he needs to desperately share a message with me. It's a picture of his lousy tea, so I made it the thumbnail. Now you too get to experience the Anus.

If you want to know more about things that don't go in your anus unless you are an atheist, look no further than bananas. What a shitty fruit you buy it and 40 minutes later it's decomposed into dirt. Science has given us a lot of things but bananas that don't suck isn't one of them.

In the latest way google fuck us all in the ass was the removal of the open image button. Yet again some company got their panties in a wad because people were able to use the internet fully, and google's white guilt stepped in and fucked the user. Thanks google, thanks so much.

Something else that fucks you is a penis, and I just don't get what the appeal is. Who wants a penis, I mean really.

Finally the weak among us that need daily prosthetic correction to not get themselves killed have a gripe. Putting cold contacts in your eyes. If we lived in the Hobbesian state of nature you'd all be dead. So count your blessings.

Well that's it until next month. Thanks for supporting the show, and stay peeled for Episode 66 coming soon!