Episode 314 - All Hail the King (ft. Madcucks)

Flashback, it's 2016 again, Buck and Chaco are the hosts of the show and a very special guest is in studio to whine and complain he got cucked. That's right Madcucks comes out from his alley way, if he sees his shadow it means there will be 6 more years of Dick Masterson being more successful than he'll ever be. While he figures that out the hosts are talking about...

- Vindication
- Gratitude
- Personality Disorders

I didn't get to weigh in this week so here's my hot takes on all the issues.

More than anything in the world I love being right, it's often enough for me to know I'm right, but the even better feeling is when the other person has to admit they were wrong. Currently there's major efforts being made by people in high places to pretend they weren't wrong for the last 3 years. It's infuriating. We'll never be apologized to for the crimes committed against us, the slanderous propaganda they used to weaponize our neighbors. Nope it will be a big amnesty and all the sheeple will happily forget that they were conned into calling the police over nothing, only to be fooled again the next time they need to be corralled into making the right decisions.

Thanksgiving was last week, people throw around how happy they are about their lives for about 10 minutes before diving onto amazon to find the deal of the year on that piece of techno crap. Was $59.99 now $79.99 on sale $59.99! I GOTTA BUY IT! Gratitude means nothing these days. Thank yous are thrown around like you'd say "Good Morning" "How are you, fine and you?" or "I promise I won't stab you with a fork." We just habitually say it to the point, I had to teach myself to stop saying thank you to the toll takers, because THEY AREN'T PROVIDING ME A SERVICE! I used to thank them, thanks for stealing $5 from me for the audacity to use this road that's been paid off for 50 years. All because we're guilted into showing gratitude for no reason.

As the child of a Narcissist I spent my formative years learning to sacrifice my own wants and needs for the benefit of the person manipulating me into the actions they so chose. Fortunately for me I had a great father figure who saved me from ending up a self centered manipulator trying to get the most for me possible. I know you're thinking, "Tab, your face is on the cover of this episode with the phrase 'All Hail the King' and you're not a narcissist?" I'm not, I'm something far worse, I got trained into being subservient to others to not evoke their wrath, and instead be rewarded. Doesn't seem like a big deal until you realize you're working a job that 5+ people should be doing, working 100+ hours in a 5 day period, and the 5 people that replaced you 3 have already quit in 6 months. I nearly killed myself to try and serve others, what did I get for it? Slandered and abused. I'm not doing it anymore. I want to have hobbies, I want to sit on my sofa, I want to have friends that don't also do theatre. Call me selfish all you want, you can blow me.

All that plus forgotten sponsors, casual blasphemy, a fake Mr. Ed recap, and you finally get to see what happens when I'm not running the show. Until next week!

Episode 313 - In Kirk We Trust

No Hate November is winding down this Thanksgiving but we're still going strong, much like Chaco's internet this week. The Academy of Podcast Affiliates is sitting in so we're trying to clean things up while we discuss;

- Hayes Code Movies
- Star Trek: The Original Series

In 1934 it was clear, movies were terrible. Rather than doing the right thing and cancelling Hollywood, Hollywood banned together and outlawed free speech. It's a massive change from today, and the industry is all the better for it. By 1968 smut was back on the menu and with it the decline of society and movies, which is why we're watching Black Panther Forever and wondering when the MCU got so terrible.

In 1966 the future was born. Cell phones, flat screen TVs, and over dramatic temper tantrums when life doesn't quite work out. Star Trek was a phenomenon unlikely to be duplicated in our lifetimes, but they'll keep trying until Star Trek is as dead as George Takei's career.

All that plus the worst Bicycler in the world, how to catch fish and how many is a serving, plus Tab goes back to school. Don't forget to VOTE ON THE FATE OF THE NEWS SEGMENT! This is the only election where your voice actually matters!

Episode 312 - The Dan Schneider of Boobs

This is it HWIDG fans, 6 whole years of uninterrupted content and we're still going strong. The show has under gone a lot of changes, including the latest change with No Hate November which we continue discussing...

- Logan
- Being Organized
- Star Trek: The Next Generation

So many franchises end after a few sequels bomb, the ratings drop, or an actor dies. It leaves us all wanting a proper end that we will never get, or worse, they'll give us 35 years later with a minority in the lead. So when Hugh Jackman did the improbable and retired as Wolverine and called his shot with one of the best movies of the last 30 years it gave a generation that melancholy feel of profound sadness, but an appreciation for the great stories we experienced.

A smart man learns from his mistakes, a smarter man learns from others. Too few in this world are smart enough to do either. Instead we end up trapped working for the ineffably stupid, who treat us with disdain because their back stage pass is laminated and ours is a sticker. I can do your job better than you, you worthless putz.

In a move that wouldn't become common for another 30 years, suddenly a dead franchise was revived with a late in life spin off sequel. Not a reboot or a remake, but an interconnected cinematic television universe. It started an 18 year run of Television featuring 4 TV shows, 6 feature films, and inspired a generation of continuing exploration.

All that plus, families that don't play, TV reviews, and the final a definitive answer to the Shopping Cart dilemma. I hope you're enjoying our new format leave your feedback by commenting below, leaving us a voicemail 704-750-9434, sending us an email hwidgpodcast@gmail.com, or messaging us on DISCORD 

Episode 311 - #1 Pasta in Iowa

No Hate November continues and for a second week in a row the co-host comes in hot with a REWORKED Don't Get. I personally disavow all of these shenanigans. I'm bringing in real Do Gets and these clowns try and stay the course, how embarrassing.

- Representing Yourself
- Star Trek: Deep Space Nine

The constitution guarantees you a right to a speedy trial, a right to face your accuser, and most importantly a right to legal counsel. Who needs those people though? First off, they're expensive. These lazy guys sit in a office all week, go to court one afternoon and list off some gobblygook latin non-sense. The court, who's in a on the scam "drops" the charges, but now you have to pay the lawyer the money you owed anyway. The whole thing is a scam. Eliminate the middle man, represent yourself.

In the golden era of Star Trek no other series is lauded as much as Deep Space Nine. Deep on the frontier of the federation suddenly the hub of the galaxy, Deep Space Nine is a slower show dedicated to character and skewing the utopian ideals of the series coming before it. Deep Space Nine has a lot of highlights, the Dominion War, expanding the Ferengi, a post Cardassian Occupation where Gul Dukat did nothing wrong. 15 million deaths over 50 years, that's basically nothing. The real story in Deep Space Nine though is a story of Father's and Sons. Ben and Jake, Rom and Nog, Joseph and Ben, Miles and Kariyoshi, Worf and Alexander, and who doesn't need a good father son story?

All that plus we talk about Psychotic Trekkies, The Perfect Old Fashioned Glass, and catching Pikachu.

Episode 310 - Mr. Ed Goes to College

It's November and that means it's time to be thankful. Thankful for this podcasts consecutive running streak compared to other podcasts on the See You Next Tuesday network. We're very thankful and that's why we're talking about

Running Water
Star Trek: Voyager

You spend 40 years thinking you're a wild animal caged in society. Every day is a struggle, biding your time for the end times when you can unleash all the hate and rage as the wild animal man you know you are inside. Then one day the worst happens, no not the end times, a simple plumbing issue. Suddenly you go from beast mode, to whimpering cry baby annoyed at the inconvenienced of twisting a knob. At least now you won't fight it when the end times come.

As we race to the bottom of woke media let's not forget the before times. While Janeway will soon be forgotten as the first woman captain, and first woman to commit war crimes in space. Think back though, remember when it didn't matter that the captain was a woman? Remember when it didn't matter the cast had an Asian Guy, Mexican Lady, Native American Guy, a Black Guy Alien, 3 white dudes, and a woman with Beeg Tiddy and literally nobody cared. It was about story, and character, and relationships, and sure there are some bad episodes, but there are also some good ones.

All that plus a woman eaten whole, an update on Mr. Ed, and best of all... No Gabbin About Godzilla.

Episode 309 - Blackout

Just a heads up, we weren’t able to use StreamYard like normal this week, Joel was without power or stable internet when recording rolled around. Luckily we were able to work around it, so his audio quality left something to be desired. Towards the end we start getting RF interference from an incoming storm, it’s not awful, but it’s noticeable.

In Brightest Day, in Darkest Night, no natural disaster will keep HWIDG from broadcasting directly into space our message of intolerance. Joel is coming in hot from the 3rd world with Tab deep in his basement mere miles away from the latest glow in the dark escapades in STL. They’re pulling this off and talking about…

Devilish Demon Dealers
The Final Girl Trope

What is it with edge lords and satanism? From the political jack holes putting up monuments to Beelzebub on state capitols to own the Christians, to the weird wink and nudge from Hollywood elites who swear they aren’t pedophiles despite mountains of evidence to the contrary. Why is it that we allow as a society the scourge of the heavens to influence our ways? I’m all about inside jokes and good fun, but when I call something a Moving Violation, you know it’s because I love Rhinestone. It’s not a coincidence when people say they are going to be doing some spirit cooking, they mean they want to eat your kids.

Halloween perfected the art of the Final Girl and the terrifying finale of the Babysitter Murders. It’s been 40 years though and we are still seeing the final girl in media. It’s BORING AS SH!T! It’s not only completely unbelievable, it’s also descended into the need for “Character but a woman!” in every Hollywood franchise since. I’m so tired of it, show me a movie where all the women are killed and the skinny loser with glasses and acne uses his smarts to outwit the slasher. That’s at least something I’ve never seen before.

All of that plus an all new Gabbin About Godzilla, the best car movies, the dirtiest man in the world, and where to stick your piss filled water bottles!

Episode 308 - Candy or Ritual Hazing

Tim is back on this episode and we're stark naked and fully armed ready to open fire at anything that's

- Dumb Audiences
- The Decline of Trick or Treating

Spending the last 3 years watching a lot of movies I've come to see that older films on the whole are better than others. Of course you have some real stinkers from the past, but think about how many classic films you love cam from the 80s and 90s, now think how many came from the 2000s, and 2010s? The number is a lot smaller isn't it? The only explanation for this downward slide in the quality of our entertainment is the stupidity of the average movie goer. They'll eat up any slop with enough flashing colors and loud noises, and people like you and me with taste are left dining on ash.

And speaking of Dining on Ash, what the hell happened to Trick or Treating? Maybe it's nostalgia goggles, but I remember as a kid my neighborhood teeming with groups of kids, or families walking house to house all decked out as Spider-Man with a coat gathering as much candy as we could in the few precious hours we had to inhabit the world of our heroes. Today on Hallow's Eve the streets are a ghost town. And why wouldn't they be, when all your neighbors can shit out is an uncarved pumpkin and a table cloth taped to the door I wouldn't trust that house having candy. What's more, my parents are terrible so I just use their amazon to order myself a 10lb box of full sized Zero Bars 3 times a week. Why would I walk to a neighbors house for Bit O'Honey and generic jaw breakers when the candy can come right to my door while I play fortnite.

All that plus the return of a everyone's favorite movie review segment. A suggestion for a new Co-Host. Tim reads the news, and Tab stops a home invasion.

Episode 307 - Eye Candy

Welcome back HWIDG fans the rotation continues and Tony is back, the studio is more festive, and more importantly we're talking about...

- Horror Movie Eye Violence
- Ghost Tours

It's a deep seated human need to protect our eyes. They're the windows to to soul, but more importantly without eyes it would be a lot harder to pee your name into the snow. And horror films exploit this need and turn it into fear by constantly showing horrible eye violence, now maybe you're like Tony and you fear eye violence, or maybe you're like me and you enjoy that Tony will squirm when he sees eye violence. Either way we can all agree these slasher films need to get way more fuckin creative with their eye violence.

You're on vacation in a city a few decades older than you one you live in, what better way to kill and evening that hitting a bar or eleven and taking in the night life. What's that? You don't want to go get black out drunk? You want to go into a blacked out room and see if you hear ghosts moaning in an old hotel. Well you're the one doing the dick sucking around here so I guess that's fine. 3 liquorless hours later you're back in the hotel, and too fucking tired to pay off your end of the bargain! Maybe next time a ghost will blow me.

All that plus unique methods of Suicide, what HWIDG host has a hate symbol in his studio, getting banned from Online dating, and some choice voicemails about some very very specific co-workers.

Episode 306 - One Punch man

To make up for last weeks extended episode this one is truncated, but still packing all of the HWIDG spice you know and love. Uncle Buck is on the horn and this week we're talking about...

- Sideways Accusations
- Armchair Entertainment Directors

As humanity continues its slow decline into self destruction one of the earliest markers we missed for decades was the sideways accusation. Instead of being men who tell others how it is, we started trying to cushion the blow. Maybe this happened, someone did this thing. Well maybe someone should nut up and tell me to my face what your problem... I mean Issue, is? Instead of lying and implying like a woman to cover your own ass.

Hey it's Tab, I'm coming to your city this weekend and I need you to put your life on hold to entertain me. You need to do laundry? Nah let's go to a craft fair. You have to mow the lawn? Why don't we go to your cities tourist trap? You have to continue working on that kitchen remodel? Why not go on a ghost tour? Only instead of me suggesting all these stupid things, I'm going to need you to suggest a dozen things to do for me to choose from, and prioritize that above just having some quiet time home on a Saturday and Sunday.

All that plus we talk about how to make $150, the Chinese Secret Police, What's now legal in California, and killing a baby with one punch.

Episode 305 - Paraguayan Vince McMahon

The internet holds for another day in a third world country, and out friend Joel Chaco is back again to burn off 5 years of back issues starting with,

Bad Shuffle Algorithms
Puerto Rico

We all have favorite songs, and favorite artists, and there are those songs we can listen to over and over again. Too many times and it drives you crazy. Science can't even begin to understand how Starlord did it for all those years with just one cassette. In a perfect world you'd hear a song once a year and maybe once in a lifetime, instead the Eagles get played every 13th song on the radio, let this be a warning to you the Eagles. I put the Kibosh on Justin Beiber, you're next!

And speaking of reruns didn't we just have a story about Puerto Rico being devastated by a hurricane? Don't we have that story once a decade at least? Why can't the figure their shit out? It seems like Puerto Rico is just a giant money laundering front for "charities" to pad their pockets by pointing out the suffering of others. I've had it. Donate to Patreon.com/HWIDG and you'll make one tireless alcoholic's life worth living, by buying more booze.

All that, plus we spend about an hour in the weeds, talking about god, getting mail to Paraguay, and whether or not pissing in your pants is pissing in your pants.

Episode 304 - Gotta go Fast

After weeks of fill ins, Tim is finally back and all the complainers suddenly realize how good they had it as we sit down and talk about.

Too Many Second Chances
Wiccans

Ezra Miller may be a sexual pervert, a woman beater, the leader of a cult, and groomer, but damn it there just isn't a better choice for the Flash. I mean who could possibly play and autistic sped who keeps screwing up his own life by trying to prevent screwing his own life? That guy on the CW show that everyone was really really into 5 years ago for no good reason? I don't think so. And he's not the only one, too often people are staying the course despite frequent and escalating proof that they have no business being part of society. Which reminds me,

330 years ago a bunch of white women in Massachusetts used their white privilege to punish those that stood against them. We should have learned two things at that time, #1 women can't be trusted and should be seen and not heard. #2 Witchcraft isn't real. Yet here we are 330 years later women have more of a say in cultural issues than any demographic, and morons on the internet draw circles inside of squares with gibberish writing to make the hot guy in class like them. Or even worse they try and punish you by burning sage and reciting the nonsense words Uncle said on Jackie Chan Adventures. Grow Up.

All that, plus does Vegan meat lead to Cannibalism? The truth may shock you!

Episode 303 - The Huell Show

This week on the show Tony from Hack the Movies joins the rotation as a regular co-host. We catch up on some of life's happenings, Tab's new art endeavors, and what movies really suck. More importantly we're talking about.

- Pasta Face
- Breaking Bad News

In a world where you can be cancelled for voicing a minority that you aren't 100% there is one demographic that seems to be completely overlooked for poor representation, Italians. It's odd isn't it, like we want to create representation, but then by that token on those people are allowed to be representative. Starts to feel a lot more like segregation than uplifting content.

Those of us with empathy have a hard time telling people bad news. There are some that can turn it off, or maybe just don't have empathy. For the rest of us there's just the teeth gritting fun of informing someone they have cancer, their wife is cheating on them, and the IRS is at the door you're getting audited. Maybe it's projection of our own fear of inadequacy, or maybe it's the worry that someday someone is going to show up at your house with a gun because you ruined their life.

All that plus we learn why Tab never got the China Virus, what ever happened to those rascals taking shots at Kyle Rittenhouse, and some US Marshalls willing to break bad news at a funeral. Join us next week as Tim gets a chance to come back from hiatus.

Episode 302 - Middling Overdrive

Disclaimer: There was an error with one of the sound devices going into Stream Yard this week and my track is way over driven compared to Buck. It's rough but listenable.

Welcome back to the Band Uncle Buck for this 302nd edition of HWIDG. It's great to have the founders back on board. And this week we're talking about...

Mic Bleed
Uppity Sound Guys

Often times when you jam too many mics into a small space you end up getting the sound one mic is specified for into another mic that's not specified. It's not an issue in live music, but when you go listen to the recordings, boy does it wipe out the clarity compared to an ISO Track. Buck unfortunately learned this the hardway, but fortunately he wasn't dealing with an...

Uppity Sound Guy. In general sound guys are all assholes. They all think they know more than everyone around them because frequently nobody around them wants to do their job. So they make snide remarks about other sound guys gear, when it isn't the label on your road case, it's how good you are a mixing that matters.

All that plus we discuss how to properly respond to a pump and dump scheme, The logistics of taking down a mig with a shotgun, some spicy voicemails, and catching up with Buck. Tune in next week to find out who our new co-host will be. 

Episode 301 - Anustart

The end is only the beginning. Introducing the new and improved HWIDG. With a rotating stable of hos, I mean co-hosts, HWIDG is reborn and the best way to be reborn is to bring back the father... Joel Chaco. This week talking about;

- Fishing
- Mundane Nightmares

It's Friday, you own a pond, and it's time to eat fish. Yet the fish, they mock you. They come to the side of the pond, and run. And here you are fishless and alone. Why? Why did we decide those ugly monsters in the water would be good food?

Being chased by zombies? No problem. Getting eaten by giant women? Kind of hot. Spending 14 hours in a walmart? No please anything but that!!! Why is it that the worst kind of nightmare isn't that which scares us primevally, but the regular every days of life deconstructed by our brains.

All that plus "Operation Rug Pull" catching up with Joel, and finding out, is rural Paraguay internet better than Tim's old internet? Join us next week as another person from the past comes back into the fold.

Episode 300 - The End...

This is it folks! We've hit a massive iceberg and the ship is sinking. Women and children first! Make sure to tip the musicians and don't forget to toss any valuable jewelry into the ocean! You never know when some hack billionaire movie director will want to fill the hole left in his heart where his soul should be on multi-million dollar underwater expeditions to the crash sites of podcasts! If you had a steamy romance and lovingly drew a boudoir portrait of your lover lying on a chaise lounge, put them into you safe so they can have something to remember you by after they push you off of your floating plank even though there was definitely room for both of you.

- Doing Too Much
- Early 2000s Shaky Cam
- Issues
- Male Sexual Assault

Bigger is always better, right? For fireworks, guns, and most explosive things, sure. TV's too I guess. But for a lot of things in life, simpler is better. A lot of times things are artificially inflated in order to make them look and feel bigger to the huddled masses. Because spectacle is easy to understand. Ooh shiny and colors and big! It takes a little more time to appreciate the simpler things.

Remember in the 2000s when movie directors thought that the best way to immerse you into the action of a movie was to hire professional stuntmen, one per moviegoer in the theater, to assault you in time with the action happening on screen? Liam Neeson knees a guy in the stomach, they knee you in the stomach. Liam Neeson takes a gun butt to the temple? So do you. Oh that didn't happen? I sure remember it like it did.

Three hundred episodes is a lot. Most of them with 4 issues per episode. That's a lot of issues. Sometimes life is good to you though and nothing in particular bothers you that week. What is a podcast host to do? You wing it, that's what. Get red for some inside baseball talk, though to be honest that's a bad analogy because baseball doesn't have a lot going for it. Seriously, it's dudes trying to hit a ball, trying to catch a ball, trying to throw a ball right in front of them, or trying to run in a straight line.

Hey dudes, remember, when you head out to the bar for a boy's night, always have a friend to watch your back, ALWAYS keep your drink covered because you never know when an EVIL woman has a roofie in her pocket, and have an escape plan for when some creep lady starts to get too forward with you. Can this advice be helpful to women? Absolutely not. Women don't get assaulted, but if they did, it'd be hilarious!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON while it's up or by BUYING A SHIRT. 'Til next time...

Episode 299 - Plasticistan Live! - Part Two

Boy let me tell you what, if you weren't there to see the fight of the century live and in person, then I can only hope this recording is a fraction of the ferocity that our two combatants had when they stepped into that ring. Thanks to Andy and the Air Compressors for the live music, and thanks to Hank's Auto for the free oil changes and tire repairs during the show. Reminder: Hank's Auto is not liable for any accidents that may have arised from Hank's Brand Patch-Em-Up Value Tires. Until nest time folks!

- Pedophiles
- Plastic Tupperware
- Small Town Cops
- Memory

I'm not writing something for all of these issues! Listen to the dang episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 299 - Plasticistan Live! - Part One

Boy let me tell you what, if you weren't there to see the fight of the century live and in person, then I can only hope this recording is a fraction of the ferocity that our two combatants had when they stepped into that ring. Thanks to Andy and the Air Compressors for the live music, and thanks to Hank's Auto for the free oil changes and tire repairs during the show. Reminder: Hank's Auto is not liable for any accidents that may have arised from Hank's Brand Patch-Em-Up Value Tires. Until nest time folks!

- Wifi Woes
- 4 Guitars, 5 Vocalists and a Harmonica
- Karl's WATP Feed
- Restaurants That Close Early
- GMail Send Button
- No End to Stories

I'm not writing something for all of these issues! Listen to the dang episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 298 - A Voltron of Ghosts

Introducing Here's What I Don't Raft, the only authorized podcast white-water rafting trip on the eastern seaboard. For only $299.99 plus rental costs, you can join the HWIDG crew on the wettest, drunkest ride of your life, aside from that one time in college. Order now and you can secure a guaranteed tip-over by the crew. Order the platinum package for $499.99 and you'll get the official 2023 HWIDR beer koozie and :

- Having Your Cake and Eating It Too
- Zipper Morons
- Not Swinging the Axe
- Luxury Phones

Don't you love greed? The fat kid that hogs all the cake. The guy that cuts the line. The scalper that buys up all the stock to resell. Disney. Meta. All these companies keep buying up little subsidiaries so they grow bigger and make more money than ever, making record breaking profits. And they have the gall to then turn around and make us pay more for their products. And we stand there and take it, like good little altar boys.

We all have zippers. Pants, jackets, bags, our life is filled with them. And they're very simple objects. You look at one and pull it up and down a few times, and ta-da you know how it works. But apparently the world is filled with morons who think zippers are magic. Portals to the dimension of things staying closed. So it's no wonder why they can't be asked to merge lanes in traffic properly in the zipper method. It's either-me-me-me like a loose zipper slider, straight to the front without regard for anyone else, or stuck in place letting everyone else past because their daily affirmation said "do a random act of kindness today".

Horror, like many genres stands to amplify the best and worst of humanity. The zombie survival sub-genre in particular shows the lengths we'll go to to survive. So what happens when the fan-favorite character gets bitten or scratched? The heroes have no time to lose, they've got to chop off the limb in order to stop infection. Then they get a cool blade arm attachment or whatever. In this analogy the infection is a cash-bleeding bad decision project like Batgirl. At least they had the balls to cut it off before it did any damage. 

Remember when you could buy the coolest, hippest phone in the world for 15 bucks? Back in the 90's, 15 smackeroos got you the cutting edge of technology: the see-thru phone. 15 years ago I bought a new slider phone for 20 or 30 bucks. Because they were just the vehicle for service. You can text or call on any phone, they were just hunks of plastic. Then they got smart. Have they gotten even smarter since 2007? A little bit. A tad. But not 3 or four times as much. The original iPhone was 500 bucks. Expensive for sure, but the cutting edge of phone and pocket technology. These days? 500 bucks will get you a solid phone. More than you need, not the top end, but solid. Yet we've got people spending near 2 grand for the same thing but it folds.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 297 - Mr. Ed Steals a Truck

HWIDG Presents: Cool Off! The worlds biggest pool park! Sponsored by PepsiCo. With over 500 acres of Summer fun, Cool Off is the U.S.'s top destination for water-based fun! Featuring two separate 300-foot high water slides, a wave pool with guaranteed "Baby Ruth" floaters, and don't be embarassed about peeing in the pool when you visit the Piss Tub! Or swing on over to our own CIA Blacksite for a good old fashioned public waterboarding! But, for all those adrenaline junkies, forget dolphins, swim with the sharks! Tickets available now for $29.99 for a day pass, or free with the purchase of: 

- Mailers
- Oh Woe Is Me, I'm So Rich
- Furniture Stores
- Appealing to the Dumb

Do you know anyone that reads every piece of mail they receive? Someone that sees any and all ads and seriously ponders them? Surely thee must be people like this. Otherwise why in the world does Literally everyone in the US receive hundreds of pounds of this junk every year? Does everyone need a month's worth of Burger King coupons on the regular? Let those people sign up for that service. I don't need mail service every day. Once a week will do.

Boy it sucks being rich. I've got all this money to buy anything I want, go anywhere I want at the drop of hat, or do anything I want without much pushback. But no one understands my kind of problems. Like, my food doesn't have enough gold on it. Or my personal driver is 30 seconds late! Where could he be! Oh well, fuel up the jet I've got to go to Starbucks or will LITERALLY DIE. They just put in a Fly-Thru, it's the best, but Lenny Kravitz' plane always cuts us off.

Imagine. A store where you could peruse large objects of furniture to buy and move into your abode for comfort! With no employees helicoptering around you trying to get you to buy something twice as much as you want and three times as ugly. And no financing department trying to get you to owe them for 20 years for a chair. What a wonderful world that would be. But alas.

Science is hard. That's why we tend to dumb it down and put it in more layman's terms. The common cold for instance, we understand that and not acute viral nasopharyngitis. I guarantee you most people couldn't put the two together. If people can't even say it, they tend to ignore it. So when people start insisting that "the common cold" is racist against Scandinavians, you've got to think to yourself, why?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 296 - The Levee Breaks

This summer, prepare for a new twist on an old favorite. When his basement floods in a freak superstorm, regular guy Tab is transformed into: The New Aquaman! Goodbye spandex and talking to fish, hello commanding sharks to attack local government and nailing sexy mermaids! From the team that brought you the John Wick series comes a blockbuster that is almost too big for the big screen! Starring Rich Evans as The New Aquaman, Jon Lovitz as the villainous Handlebreaker, and featuring absolutely no ties to the current DC cinematic universe or that hack Zack Snyder. Also staring:

- The Sony Lotto
- The St. Louis Curse
- A Lack of Heat Prep
- Learned Apathy
- Why Are You Still Talking to Me?

If it wasn't enough for video games to get you to gamble on costumes, voice lines, and gun skins, here comes "the supply chain". Now we've got to fill out a Powerball ticket just to get a chance to maybe give billionaires even more money for their hot new console. And the games too, on the other side we've got family-friendly Nintendo making every new Mario game a limited time event. Gotta grab it at release or it'll be gone before you know it!

Something happens when you pass through that big ol' arch in the midwest. Like it was a Lex Luthor super-machine doomsday device that Superman has to foil, it saps the luck from everyone that goes through it, siphoning it to Lex himself so he can be even richer. But this is real life, not the hypothetical Superman V movie. Hell exists and it's not in Michigan, folks. St. Louis: it's where hope goes to die.

Frigid outside? A dusting of snow? Well, kids, you stay home, and everyone else, don't bother coming in! Bundle up, we don't want you getting that nasty frostbite! You know, all those cases of urban-living frostbite! 112°F outside? Hot enough to bake cookies in your car? TOO BAD! Go to your manual labor job! No, we wont give you any water! Kids, you still gotta walk home in the heat. Don't worry about your little heads getting heatstroke, that's not a real thing!

Remember trickle-down economics? That sure worked didn't it? Well, they were on to something. Plenty of things have the ability to trickle down. Including the ability to sit there and dick around when you could be helping. All because it's a little out of your way, or not "technically" in your job description. Hemming and hawing like you're thinking about it when we all know you'd rather sit on your tuchus while people do more in 5 minutes than you do al day for less.

If someone you know quits their job and leaves town and doesn't specifically tell you to keep in touch, or you learn this information second hand. In general, THEY DO NOT WANT TO EVER SEE YOU AGAIN. Especially in this day and age where we're still connected with social media, if they don't go out of their way to follow or friend you. They don't care. And this is for personal relationships. Work? Pretend they died.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us through the end on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.