Episode 251 - Thanks O.J.!

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Webster's dictionary defines the number 251 as "the natural number between 250 and 252", but it is so much more than that. It's also the second number after 249 and the second number before 253. It is also the mass number of the element Californium which was discovered in a wastebasket of a green room the day after a Red Hot Chili Peppers concert. But perhaps most importantly, the 251st episode of Star Trek is "Timescape" in which Data outright calls Deanna Troi a ho, and what, my friends, is better than that? So find your closest robot friend and get ready to call out the closest hussies as we discuss:

- Celebrity Gossip Pipeline
- Satellite TV
- Flaggots
- Non Fan Complaints

Celebrities! They're like a whole different species to us plebeians. How could we possibly understand their lives? With a bevy of 24/7 information on them! What are they eating and drinking? Who are they going out with? What kind of dump did they take last night? Any info you want on a celebrity is now available for the low, low cost of your soul. Every peek of a tabloid or TMZ news post chips away at your essence. Go read a book or learn a trade with all the time you spend wondering what brand of deodorant Jennifer Lawrence buys.

Stuff from space is awesome. Bar none. Spaceships. Aliens. Symbiotes. Phasers. TV. Except that last one. Don't get me wrong, the concept of getting your TV from a satellite in space is sweet, but it comes with some severe disadvantages. Turns out the weather is in between here and space, and since satellite already is geared towards those outside city centers who can't have cable run to their house, you're now stuck in the middle of nowhere without TV because of a little cloud. And I guess the satellite people think that folks out in the country are worrying 24/7 about not being able to go to the store to buy things if their wagon breaks down because approximately 78 percent of its programming is trying to directly sell you something.

People can't just not like things anymore. They have to stop everyone else from seeing it, instead of using the tools they've been given to not see it themselves. They are the kid in elementary school that tells the teacher because the comic book you're reading says "damn" in it. The kind of person that calls 911 on a jaywalker on an empty street. The crazy vegan that throws their food at the employees because something they didn't order has eggs in it.

Non-fans don't have rights. I'm sorry, that's just how it is. I have no reason to be upset if they made Slimer hot in the new Ghostbusters movie because A) I'm a grown man and Ghostbusters is for children and manlets and B) I have no stake in it! If I threw a hissy fit about it, I'd be getting mad just to get mad, and you don't want to be that kind of person. There are too many other things to actually be mad about than things you don't actually care about.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 250 - Five Star Pull

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Five years strong and growing! Thanks to all out listeners and supporters, and shoutout to Flinstones Vitamins for keeping our bones healthy! As we snort another batch, let us regale you with our tales of nerd rage about:

- Zombieland: Double Tap
- Mobile Game Economy
- A Lack of Visible Artistry
- Collectibles

A bad sequel can be just that. But a bad sequel to a movie you didn't love in the first place? Well, that can just ruin your whole frame of reference for the original. A combination of annoying characters, a lack of laughs, and a general blandness to the whole thing leaves Zombieland 2 kinda like a zombie that ran into a tree and can't get free. It's a bad version of something that already wore out its welcome.

Whether it's medieval fantasy, dinosaurs, superheroes, or scantily clad anime babes, you can bet that the hot new mobile games will rely on multiple timers, forms of currency, and lootboxes. 1 Gold Box is 1.99, but 5 Gold Boxes is 7.99. And 50 Gold Boxes for 69.99 is the BEST OFFER! Well, it's the best offer if you like krill. These games can get by with 5 million people that don't drop a dime into it. That's what the ads are for. But that 0.000001% of users? The whales that drop a fat hundo every day just on the chance they can get an ultra rare 5 star Deadpool? That's where the money's at. And those are the people they care about. You're a serf.

Ever see a good ventriloquist act? There's a guy with his hand in a puppet's ass the whole time. But if he's good he can really make it feel like he's talking to a whole-ass person. I know Rowlf the Dog and The Swedish Chef are puppets. My brain knows that Jim Henson was under a table or some rig puppeteering them, but dammit, they're real to me! I can ignore the visible seams in the construction if the content is good enough. But these days, there are no seams. Everything is pristine digital perfection, but it's made by robots. I'll take a dude in a suit over it any day.

Ah collectibles. Your childhood items that ended up in your trash when you moved, your parent's attic, or on the other side of the country in someone else's trash when they moved, really go for a fortune these days. That old issue of Batman was the first appearance of Tim Drake! And instead of some modern day speculator manchild freak, you read the shit out of that comic book! You lent it to a friend, who spilt grape soda on a page, but you tore it out cause it was just an ad for Castlevania 3 which you already had. You actually used the thing. It wasn't some artificially rare issue, or some factory churned out vinyl doll that'll end up the next Beanie Babies, it was a thing you used and enjoyed like a regular person. Too bad sucker, now a 9.8 CGC graded copy goes for $350.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 249 - Kebert Xela (feat. Tyrone Watermelon)

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On this week's episode we talk about that mistake that has plagued us for 20 years. 20 years ago our great nation's leaders made a terrible decision and it has now, finally come to bite us in our rear. The wake of destruction it has caused is immeasurable. Of course I'm talking about the 2001 film Freddy Got Fingered. A supposed "comedy" film, this waste of time and money was thrust upon Americans and for the last 20 years has been a black mark on our great nation's history. It's so bad, that I'm pretty sure it's responsible for something that happened about 5 months after its box office debut. So join us in reveling that we may never see it again, along with:

- Jeopardy Host Debacle
- The U.S. Dollar
- People That Don't Value Pets

Who's going to be the new host of Jeopardy? Well, no one at this rate. All these prospective hosts are getting shot down like flies by the cancel gun. People want the perfect person, as if Trebek wasn't absolutely hammered during filming, being half a beer away from an on-air Bill O'Reilly moment. There's never going to be your unicorn. So just pick a non-serial killer that has a modicum of charm and get going or else we're going to have to wait another 10 years until Weird Al makes a new Jeopardy-themed parody.

Dollars. Bucks. Greenbacks. Simoleans. Smackeroos. C-notes. Dead Presidents. Whatever you call them, they're a dying product. Most of the world's money is a jar of IOUs that get traded around and stapled to other IOUs as interest. Your bank account? Not actually money. Your taxes? Not actually money, but if you don't pay them, the government comes after you for real money to pay them the fake money they owe someone else but won't themselves pay off. It's like that guy that always borrows five bucks from you and swears he'll make it up at the casino when he hits it big. And the unban him.

Pets are not children. They are also not replaceable vermin just because pet shops exist and grandpa shops don't. You take care of them and they take care of you. They truly become family members in their times with us. Except your cat wont go on a racist rant at Thanksgiving. You ae their whole world for as long as you are lucky to have them. Love your pets, folks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 248 - Mutagenic Nightmare

Check out Gabbin about Godzilla!

Plus check out the video episode! 

In honor of HWIDG's upcoming 5th anniversary, we will be releasing a new version of the podcast to celebrate. This new version will include 500+ sound effects including airhorns, DJ drops, crying babies, and farts. Also, fishing.

- Skyrim's House of Cards
- Alex Kurtzman's Re-Signing
- Adapting the Worst
- Insular Movie Communities

Skyrim's engine is a 1997 Ford Fiesta. For years it ran just fine. But as it got older it got harder and harder to keep it working as well as every other new car. Fourteen years later, you sell it off, and the new owner decides to turn it into a drag racer. But you've patched it and replaced parts so often that the new owner just barely gets his project completed. And it barely runs. It sputters at start and backfires every minute or so. But people like it! It's a really fun ride. In fact it's so fun that people want to work on the car, fix its problems. But then some want to change its paint scheme. Or change its tires. Or make it amphibious. Or add a supercharger. Or turn it into a tank. and some people want to go for a ride after every single one of these changes is made. And they expect it to break world records.

If the janitor at your local grocery store was known for shitting in his hand and throwing it around the store and smearing it on all the produce, would you expect him to be rehired? What if he was pissing in the cereal and calling it Cheerios 2.0? What if the owner of the store pretended that a feces-covered banana and a bowl of piss-soaked cereal were part of a healthy breakfast? Would you still visit that store, or would you go back to the store across town that didn't do any of that?

Coming to a theater near you: a biographical picture for the ages! One of history's greatest stars, the king of rock and roll himself, Elvis Presley as you've never seen him before. From visionary director James Cameron comes the life of the King at his best. No music, no movies, no Las Vegas. This groundbreaking picture presents Elvis in his most human moments. Picking his nose, scratching his butt, throwing up drugs from the toilet's point of view. Alongside three hours stunningly recreated in-mouth shots of each peanut butter banana sandwich the King ever consumed, it's the best biopic of Elvis to ever grace the screen!

There's something to be said for ranking and judging a series in comparison to its various versions. But eventually there exists a sect of fans that forego all outside judgement and solely bases their thoughts on each new addition to the franchise on it simply existing. "Batman's in the new Batman movie, so it's automatically better than the baby Marvel movies!" These fans are so blinded by their love for fictional characters, that they can't believe that these characters could be involved in a less than stellar product!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 247 - Nosing My Palate

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For the first time in our county's history, the impossible has happened. A cruel, vindictive man has rigged an election in his favor. Tab Birt is charged with one count of election fraud and one count of vote tampering for his interference in a local whiskey tasting event. His whiskey license has been revoked and he is now absolved of his right to purchase and consume any whiskey or whiskey-based products. He is currently at large. He is armed and dangerous. If you or anyone you know have knowledge of his whereabouts we urge you to call 1-800-867-5309 with any tips you may have.

- Whiskey Tasting
- Always Being Connected
- Illusion of Stock
- Armchair Generals

Take a bunch of grains, mash 'em up, boil 'em, collect that sweet vapor, and what do you get? The cause and solution to all of man's problems. Add a dash of pretentious asshole and you get an overpriced whiskey tasting event where you get cold, (actually) bloody steak and a WHOLE OUNCE of whiskey. A WHOLE OUNCE. To taste and savor! All while an ascot-wearing turd nugget mansplains taxes to you while his suit jacket is straining against his Covid gut. But remember, he's not there to tell you HOW to enjoy whiskey, just to swindle you out of 100 dollars and far too much of your time.

Our phones are to us as laser pointers are to cats. It bleeps and lights up and we freak out and paw at it. All for what? Notifications that your second cousin uploaded a photo of his weekly trout fishing trip, or that some person you met in college and had to do a group project with is on their second divorce and fifth kid? An email offering you 25% off something you don't want? An Amazon notification that the package you just got handed has been delivered? It's all noise.

Imagine going to a specialty store in search of something specific. Let's say you want a bottle of Laphroaig 10 Year Scotch, so you head down to your local liquor store. You ask the guy in the store for "Laphroaig 10" and he comes back with an armful of wine and vodka. You say, that's not "Laphroaig 10", that's not even whiskey! "Yes", he replies "but they are alcoholic beverages, and that's what you're looking for." That guy should be fired from his job, right? Yet Amazon, eBay, Walmart, and every other online store gets away with padding their search results like this.

If I want to take part in the decisions going on in a war, I'm going to go play RISK. What I'm not going to do is spew my Call of Duty-level knowledge of the military industrial complex over Twitter. Opinions are like buttholes, everyone's got them, and in 2021 more people than ever love sharing in-depth views of them online.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 246 - Nipple Reattachment Surgery

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This week on Podcast Crimes, how well do you know your fans? For every diehard fan out there that is a normal Joe Schmo, there lurks the possible John Wayne Gacy of podcast fans. The small town of Saratoga in Wyoming recently had a crisis on their hands when there was a spree of vandalism. The police, despite setting up cameras to catch the criminal behind these heinous acts, were dumbfounded when each morning they were sent a package of freshly broken door handles. But with the help of a forensics expert, they were led to the home of Robert Karns, where they found a literal trove of handles in his basement. After he was apprehended, he only ever spoke one phrase: "No more handles". Chilling. Join us next week as we explore other podcasts and their totally real, actual, crazy fans.

- Enhanced Cleaning Procedures
- The Death Warrant of HWIDG
- Elon Musk
- Asterisks

There's a reason the Handlebreaker doesn't like martinis. Tab made me one once and the combination of floral gin, lemon, and bad vodka reminded me of drinking the bottom of a jar of Lysol wipes. That's not a flavor I like to associate with my mouth area, especially during a sit down meal. You don't put out all of your kitchen sink cabinet cleaning products when you have guests over for dinner do you? You make fish tacos and serve them with a side of RAID?

How do you introduce suspense into any action movie? Add a ticking clock element! Knowing Batman only has a few seconds to save Harvey Dent from the Joker amps up the action! So, as any good film does, we have now introduced a ticking clock to HWIDG! What's going to happen? Will the show end? Will it go on? Find out in a year or two!

Elon Musk is the real life Tony Stark. The problem with that is that we don't live in a comic book world where the billionaire tech guy gets a new lease on life and starts to use his riches for good. Instead we have the asshole egoist that wants to solve the world's problems five things at a time. Do we need self-landing rockets? Do we need self-driving electric cars when neither electric cars nor self-driving cars have been perfected yet? Do we need a giant sci-fi not-flamethrower? What about a giant interconnected network of underground tunnels with trains in them? No.

No one wants the truth it seems. We live in a world of asterisks.  Batteries not included, some assembly required, etc. Any number you read on a package is the peak theoretical highest and never an example of average use. That hard drive has a write speed of 5000 gigabytes! That's amazing! Yeah, well it peaked at 4,950 for a fraction of a second in one test out of twenty. Ta-da!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 245 - It's Turbo Time

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In what some are calling the "Canonball Run" of podcasting, we present to you the absolute fastest produced episode of this show yet! Live (in the past) from the road, Tab regales us with tales of truck stop shower sex and over-priced beef jerky as we yell about:

"I Didn't Mean to Sic My Fans On You"
Saying Goodbye
Streaming Rights

There's a point when someone reaches a certain amount of clout that the gods of the internet grant them a gilded whistle. This powerful artifact allows them to dunk on or call someone out in a way that would get them roundhouse kicked in the face otherwise in real life, only to then deflect the blame when their fans rise up with pitchforks against the target. It's like throwing Maximus Aurelius in the ring to fight for you but then throwing him to the tigers.

Saying Goodbye sucks. We've all got to do it every now and then and it never gets easier. But absence makes the heart grow fonder, so it's okay that Bethesda has taken fifteen years to put out Not Skyrim 2, just like it's okay that your sibling takes 8 years to finish their Associate's Degree. Welcome them back with open arms when they come to visit, but also watch your wallet.

Streaming media is like playing Hot Pocket with your credit card. Is this movie on Netflix this week? Is the sequel on Hulu instead? Is the 14th episode of season 7 missing due to a now-cancelled celebrity? The answer to all of these questions is Yes and No.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 244 - Go, Go, Gojira!

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It was only a matter of time folks. Usually we're not ones to copy trends and follow what everyone else is doing, but this time there's big money involved, so away with our dignity! We're proud to present Here's What I Don't Godzilla, from North to South, East to West, but especially the East, the only Godzilla-based podcast to tackle all of life's toughest kaijus every week. Brought to you by Ronco! Join us each week as we battle through the gauntlet of Tohos and Showas and Mothras and whatever other dumb puppets Godzilla destroys because he's the best!

- Cheaters
- Falling For It
- Making Up Leaks
- Doubling Down

Cheating in a single-player game? Who cares. You wanna make your Skyrim guy invincible with a spell that summons 50 dragons at a time? Go ahead. It's a power fantasy. But in a game that's all about doing the impossible and improbable under dire circumstances? Well you're just cheating yourself. Where's the fun in NOT dogfighting in the air, getting shot by an AA canon, but downing the other pilot before you blow up, then parachuting out of your burning plane, sniping the other falling pilot before he lands, then falling onto the AA canon guy that shot you out of the sky in the first place, then plunging your knife into his stomach and stealing his dogtags so his family never has a sense of peace, then 30 years later including them in a letter saying "lol get fukd AA noob". You're just cheating yourself out of that moment.

Maybe this one will be it guys. Maybe THIS will finally be the 80s franchise they dig up for the third time, but this time instead of defiling its body, they'll dress it up all nice looking and treat it with respect! It's not going to happen, folks. Stop getting hype for the same reboot over and over. How many "passing the torch" reboots have come and gone the last 5-10 years? They're all the same thing, and look at you dummies paying money for each one each time. Here's some advice: enjoy the memories you have of [INSERT CHILDHOOD PRPERTY HERE] and find something else to be obsessed with. Star Wars, Ghostbusters, TMNT, He-Man, Thundercats, Transformers, whatever it is is not for you anymore.

How to get people to see movies 101: make good movie, get good marketing. Done. How to get people to see movies (as understood by internet weirdos) 101: Write an article about some reddit user's screencap of a 4chan post of a supposed CGI farm worker's thoughts on what secrets the next big blockbuster has in it. Do this once a week every week after the movie is announced but before the trailer is out. Once the trailer is out, flood the news sites with stories about 'PLOT LEAKS FOR X-MEN '92' that are just the trailer scenes stitched together in some cohesive fashion but also completely made up. Do this every day so the DAILY MCU NEWS YouTube channels have something to post everyday. When the movie comes out in 6 months, don't mention any of the "news" of those leaks you've been pushing for 2 years.

Dear Diary: today I tried to give myself superpowers again. This time I touched a white-hot stove to see if I had cool heat powers or invulnerability. I do not. But if I wanted to, I could now become Fifth-Degree Arm Stump Boy! Anyways, see you tomorrow! Dear Diary: You know, sometimes you just really believe that something will work. Well, I tried to give myself superpowers again today. I thought, maybe leaping a building in a single bound, or shooting lasers from my eyes, but I kinda really want heat and or invulnerability powers. So I did the stove thing again. I swore, for a second I thought it was working! I couldn't feel a thing! The doctors say that's because the nerves in that good hand were immediately burned away. BUT now, that I have to write with my feet, I could be a cool leg-based hero! Anyways, I got a feeling that the third time's the charm, so see you tomorrow!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 243 - Escape Pod Plan

This week we have lost a dear friend. Join us in mourning as we say goodbye to someone that has been with this podcast since it started. But when life throws your loved one off of a cliff/into a volcano, it resurrects said loved one with a new body and kick-ass devil powers. So get ready to say hello to Devil Recording Laptop and his cronies: 

- Broken Computers
- Bad Internet
- "What I Look Like Now" Posts
- Social Taxonomy

Remember when computers were whole rooms? That's right, if you didn't know already, computers used to take up whole rooms, the way a server farm takes up a whole room for hundreds and thousands of computers running servers these days. Try breaking one of those puppies. No flimsy hinges or lack of cooling there. These days our computers are made to be small, sleek, and the way of the big E-ATX tower is going off to visit a farm upstate. Like most technology, it's moved from user-serviceable parts that require a little specialized knowledge, to plebian consumer-friendly "just buy a new one" opening-this-device-voids-your-warranty boxes.

Slow internet sucks. We've all had to put up with it. Maybe your at grandma's house and all she needs is to send emails and print recipes, so she has the bottom-of-the-barrel speed. Or you're staying at that budget hotel/motel on a business trip, and their wi-fi is shared among the six floors. It sucks but you can put up with it, or ignore it and live that weekend like a luddite. But *bad* internet? Going out at the most inopportune times, speeds running lower-than-low,flickering on and off? That's the worst.

People age. That's a fact of life. Some people age like the finest of cabernet sauvignons, some age like they've found the fountain of youth, and others age like milk you bought at a dented can store. As we get old, most of us lose track of keeping our bodies in line. Kids and work taking up all your time leads to a lot of fast food and microwave dinners. You can't wolf down a whole pizza like you could back in high school, or you're gonna have a bad time. That's why it's admirable for anyone that tries to work on their body instead of working on their Netflix and Ice Cream night streak. What's not admirable is being proud of letting yourself go and letting the world know it.

As people, we put ourselves in groups. Maybe as some sort of latent survival tactic from the cavemen days, but it's still there. We create groups to generalize people and that's fine. But these days, we've taken it to the extreme. Like a gamer who's only into 2D Roguelike Multiplayer Action Platformers, people have started these small niche groups, like Nonbinary Overweight Thirdsoul Druids, so they can feel special. And when we all feel special? No one's special.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 242 - Alien Swill

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On this week's episode of HWIDG, we'd like to apologize for any audio snafus there might be, but just remember we're just a couple of dudes. We're not one of these big podcasts backed by a global media company. Those kinds of podcasts have like 5 producers and 3 editors to catch all of that. So if there aren't any audio problems, praise us, because we're just as good as these big name podcasts that absolutely don't have any problems whatsoever.

- Alien Covenant
- Non-Alcoholic Whiskey
- Live Chat
- Web of Lies

Ah, the Alien movies. Is there another series that spans such a gamut of quality? Maybe, but I can't think of one right now because the awfulness of Alien: Covenant is still living rent-free in my mind, days later. It's a lot like a Karen. She wants to be vegetarian, but still eat BBQ. Alien Covenant wants you to care about its characters but does nothing with them and hires charisma-less actors to portray them. It wants you to marvel at the new cool aliens, but then takes the practical effects they did on set and paints over them with CGI. It wants you to believe that these people are scientists on an alien planet, but they don't bother to wear any protective suits! Just say 'NO' to Alien: Covenant.

Who is non-alcoholic whiskey for? Why it's for losers with poor self-esteem! That's right! Don't drink but still go out to bars and parties where people pressure you like you're a Sophomore in high school, and you feel bad about it? Boy do I have the product for you. Just sign this form that registers you as a Spirit Offender and we'll be on our way. In two to four weeks you should receive your first shipment of Swill™! What is Swill™? Well, we ventured into a remote mountain in the Galapagos and found a tribe of natives that had never had alcohol before. So we took their local toilets and rinsed them out, then bottled that rinse water! It's perfect on the rocks, in a cocktail, or buried with you deep in the ground where no other person can have it!

Imagine if you will, a sports bar. Imagine all the folks watching the big game that night. Now take their thoughts and shouts of excitement and mix them in with the thoughts and shouts of excitement of approximately a dozen deranged hobos. Pop them up in chronological order and that's what its like watching the live chat on YouTube or Twitch, or anything streaming. You've got your garden variety trolls, your obligatory scam spammers, the crazy people that think the people they're watching are their best friends, and your lonely "show feet plz" troglodytes. They invented the "Hide Chat" button for a reason. Use it.

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies. That's what Stevie Nicks said. Well Stevie, how about you stay over there in Lie Land with Todd Howard and the Government and leave us alone. We're called Truthers and we want to know the truth. Can it be hard to accept? Yes. But it's like pulling off that band-aid. The longer it sticks, the more it's gonna hurt. And eventually? Well it's not a band-aid, it's a scab. The kind that is just ready to heal and you might as well be peeling off skin when you get rid of it. "I never want to do that again" kind of pain.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 241 - Microwave Faux Pas

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This week, the world is still reeling from the incredible happenings at the World Firework Championships. The bronze medal went to veteran Chip Mahoney with an amazing display of simultaneous grilling and fireworking, culminating in a finale where he cleaned up 12 beer cans by flying them via bottle rocket directly into a garbage can. Taking silver this year was newcomer Howard J. Hines with an extensive Harry Potter-themed Roman Candle Battle exhibition. But shocking the world in an unforeseen upset was the first place medal winner Tab Birt who produced a spectacle for the ages. A full orchestra, decked in sparklers performed Tchaikovsky's 1812 Overture while he timed the song's usual cannon firing to the sound of exploding microwaves. If you weren't there in person, you can now purchase the 2021 World Firework Championship Highlights VHS for only $49.99!

- Won't Someone Think About the Dogs?!
- Freedom Isn't Free
- Invincible Pacing
- Women Using Kids to Stop Fun

Fireworks have been around for over a thousand years. We've had domesticated dogs since long before that, but they've had plenty of time to adapt. The Fouth of July happens every year. It doesn't just sneak up on you like a silent tornado. If you have dogs that you haven't trained to not piss themselves at fireworks, you need to be ready for that weekend. It's called being responsible. Complaining about fireworks is a moot point. You either were prepared and are an asshole that wants to sap fun from everyone else due to your Pekingese, or you're a bad pet owner. Pick one.

Freedom isn't free. But it could be. It could be if we stopped being Earth's Hall Monitor But Also The Kid Who Stirs Shit Up. How about we stop spending billions of dollars a year sending troops to countries that don't want us there because we sent billions in weapons there five years ago and a bunch of zealous assholes got their hands on them. It almost seems like we're that crazy firefighter that goes around setting fires so we can put them out because there's not enough fires and the city is going to shut us down.

I understand that when you take a book and turn it into something else, you gotta change it. Having a movie where you constantly hear the main characters thoughts via narration would be real dumb. The book of a musical? Good luck getting anyone other than trained musicians to read it. But you have to be careful in moving things around or else you can lose fundamental aspects of why something works. Like making Blofeld James Bond's brother, or having Antonio Banderas play an Arabian ambassador, or making a beloved 300 page children's book into three separate three hour snoozefests.

Having children is not a miracle. Billions upon billions have been doing it for the last couple million years. The creation of fire? The wheel? Those are worth celebrating. You fulfilling your biological imperative to bone is not. If you bring your child somewhere unsafe and refuse to leave, that's on you. A kid is crying at a loud concert? Leave. You can't have your cake and eat it too. Your kid is not special, you are not special, and acting like you deserve special treatment because you had one only makes me feel like a really late term abortion is in need. Not for the kid, for you.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 240 - Beating the Dickens

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As HWIDG's last official episode of June, we'd like to preemptively say this may or may not be the end of the show! It's a gamble, really. Either one of the hosts could die in a heinous bottle rocket accident or get killed by a friend for tossing an M-80 under their car! We might come back next week with the issue "Not Having Ten Fingers Anymore"! So remember listeners, if you're going to play with fireworks this Fourth, film it just in case anything crazy happens, so you can get that sweet internet clout!

- Open Container Laws
- Bad Endings
- Paper Checks
- Beating it Out of You

Why is alcohol bad? Because some old guy in the sky said so. It's true. If you let your kids drink alcohol they'll start doing all kinds of bad stuff, like going to parties where girls exchange oral sex for colorful bracelets, and smoking the devil's lettuce and going to Judas Priest concerts while playing satanic board games. They'll start getting into cars by sliding across the hood and start selling bootleg fireworks in order to fund their expensive Pink Floyd vinyl collections! Alcohol is a terrible evil that can infect up to, get this, FIVE WHOLE PERCENT of a glass of beer! So remember, in the bar, totally legal to walk around with a beer in your hand. During a traffic jam-I mean festival parade downtown, totally legal. Once your big toe goes past that cordoned off section of street though YOU'RE A FELON.

Ah, serialized storytelling. The big draw is tuning in every week to resolve that sweet cliffhanger. Cliffhanger after cliffhanger you watch, read, or listen. If the series gets canceled in the middle? Sure, that sucks. The story will never be finished! But, you can live with the satisfaction that you didn't slog through hundreds of weeks just to get to a terrible ending, because that my friends, is the ultimate bummer. You see a bad movie? No problem, you forget about it, it took 90 minutes of your time. You end your long running premiere TV show with a big ol' dragon dookie? You've got a riot on your hands.

Paper checks are like bingo. As a kid, it's exciting enough, but what you really want is that sweet set of Pokemon stickers that the bingo represents. You get older? Never touch the game. You practically forget it exists. You want nothing to do with it, actually. It's a bunch of hoops to jump through just for some money. Then old age starts setting in, and your hobbies start going away. You can't read as well anymore, you've lost your dexterity, so you go down to the old bingo hall. And suddenly your whole life is bingo and no one can take that away from you, because you're old and we're supposed to respect you or something. What I'm trying to say is I hate paper checks.

Boy, that thing you really like to do? It would be a real shame if we made you do that but with boring things and old things that aren't interesting and only 'popular' because they're old. And we tell you that your version of that thing will never be of any value. And we're going to do that for another ten or so years until you hate doing that thing. Oh also, you're a child! That's right! We're crushing the dreams and wishes of billions of children for laughs! Suck it, nerds.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 239 - We Assume

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On tonight's episode of HWIDG Investigates: a mysterious suicide and an even more mysterious letter. When disgraced former podcast host "The Handlebreaker" was found dead in his prison cell last week from an apparent suicide, the world was shocked. With no traces of foul play, and the cameras of the prison "down for maintenance", it seemed like an open and shut case on the man who was charged with destroying millions of dollars of government property. But a letter was found just recently that sheds new light on the suicide, and conspiracy theorists are saying that the cypher might point to murder. The contents of the letter were brief, but it read: "lol watch me get Epstein'd". Who knows what the mad man might have meant by this puzzling statement. We'll never know. Next week we investigate:

- Not Doing Your Job
- Juneteenth
- Barren Food Wastelands
- Honeypots

Regular people work. Some have careers, some have jobs, some have gigs. Even the people in their dream job have to put up with BS from higher-ups or customers or just some aspect of what they do. And what do these people do? Do they whine until they get what they want? Do they laze around and do their job in the most smarmy, sarcastic way? No. They grit their teeth, buckle down and get it done. Now only if people with cushy jobs like actors could do the same damn thing.

Juneteenth is now a holiday. Go ahead and ask a family member or neighbor or co-worker if they know what it celebrates. See what they say.

Sometimes you go out to eat and they don't have some side or are out of some special. That's understandable. If it takes you five times to pick something from the menu that they *do* have? Why are they even open? Why bother with the menu at that point? Just sit people down and give them a random plate of food. Hell, that's what keeps gamers attached to money-sucking free-to-play games and microtransaction-filled multiplayers: lootboxes! Ten buck flat fee and get a random plate of food!

There are no such thing as FBI honeypots. There is no way that the honorable bureau would plant some affable podcasts hosts in order to draw in radical citizens ripe for Manchurian Candidate-esque re-conditioning. That would be ludicrous. Just as ludicrous as what the government is doing to its citizens, wouldn't you say? Doesn't that make you angry? Don't you want to do something about it? Anyways, make sure to check out our sponsor Furious Firearms for 99% off a patriotic new rifle!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 238 - Chained to the Desk

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Now available on the HWIDG Store is our new soothing Here's What Doesn't Burn Cooling Relief Ointment! For burns small to large our proprietary blend of chemicals will quickly soothe away any possible burning sensations from fire, radiation, or an entire episode of a podcast dedicated to dunking on you. So admit defeat and grab a bottle today!

- Government Slow Lane
- CG Trailers
- The Smart Home
- Missing a Line Drive

Have you ever been to the dentist and the doc shows you your X-Rays and you catch a glimpse of the computers they have, running on 15 year old Windows XP computers? When they decide to upgrade those in a few years, they will graciously give those to their local state government, finally moving them into the twenty first century. Until then, you better hope they still have a User's Manual for Windows 3.1 because Karen in accounting is going to need it to run her computer. Or you could just send her the instructions yourself through a telegram.

A CG Trailer for a game used to be the hype reel. It would play when you booted it up, getting you ready for what you were going to play. They made those after the made the actual game. These days? Despite that games look as good as ever, they pay some CG Studio millions of dollars to make a 30 second "tone" piece they use to announce their game at E3. Then they start making it look like that. How about instead, you make a good game and show me what that looks like? Instead of putting out some high bar trailer that the game will never live up to.

Connected devices! Everything is connected and talks to each other these days! Your fridge can tell you're running out of ketchup, so it tells Alexa to order you some more, and when that shows up, your Amazon Home Lock opens for the delivery driver, and he walks in and starts touching himself, activating your Amazon Love Machine. He knows he shouldn't but he just can't stop, and then you walk in. You see this delivery guy humping your beloved sex doll and you lose it. You go for your Amazon Gun Safe and pull out the Limited Edition Prime Day Remington 870 with Alexa. You whisper, "Alexa, cap this fool". In an instant, a hole is punched through his chest cavity. Gore strewn across the room, you look at Cherry the Amazon Love Machine to see she has been hit. The life is fading from her eyes, her battery doesn't have much longer. And worst of all? She's not in production anymore. So starts your journey through the wastelands of 2025 to find her a new body.

Sometimes something is personally tailored to your tastes. All of its individual pieces are right up your alley. Then you try it. And it just doesn't come together. For all intents and purposes it SHOULD. But it lets you down. Even more than something you have no hopes for because it should be what you like. Some people try to force it. But you can't. It's just not for you, and you need to accept that.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 237 - Defraud the Movies

We here at HWIDG like to bring you important messages each week, but none has been more important than this one. Folks, there's a rising threat in our community, and it's time we address it. For too long, Tired, Old New Yorkers have been running around, rudely telling people off, walking around with marinara-stained undershirts, rambling about gabbagool, claiming they "knew Bobby DeNiro back in da day", and just generally creating a bunch of mayhem. So we are advising against a campaign to End T.O.N.Y, and we hope you'll join us.

- Spin-off Shows
- Vocal Fillers
- Kaijuu Lovers
- Recap Reviews

Urkel. Screech. Joey. Sheldon. What do these names have in common? They were the annoying sidekick on their respective shows, then when it came time for that popular show to end, they took the screechy monkey baby and gave him his own show. Typically this is just the same as the original, but now instead of an ensemble cast of likeable dudes, it's just the one guy. It's like if you took a cookie recipe ingredients, and replaced everything with equal amounts of baking powder and expected someone to eat it.

We, um, don't, um, like, like, uhh, people that, uhh, throw in all kinds of, ummmm, like, filler words when they, uhh, talk or whatever. Especially when, uhhhh, the can, uh, just edit, uhhh, their own, like, podcast.

Godzilla is not a hero. He's a monster. He's hellbent on destroying the Earth. Does he save Earth from other wacky monsters (or should I say, sweaty men in bad rubber suits)? Yes, he does. But only in a "No one destroys Earth but me" context. When there's a couple of rad teens in a big ol' robot trying to kill the monster of the week, you're not rooting for that monster. You want those kids with attitude to punch that monster in the face with a sword.

A recap is not the point of a review. A review should let the reader know what the reviewer liked and disliked about the thing. For something like a video game, this would be graphics, gameplay systems, story, sound, replayability, etc. If a game review went level by level describing what the reviewer did, it would be a terrible review. At that point it's just a written Let's Play. For movies if you spend most of it just recapping the plot, then saying if you liked it, that's just a Wikipedia page Story section and a rating.   All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 236 - Take a Number

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We here at HWIDG would like to elaborate on some of the findings in our ILLEGALLY hacked and released emails this week. First, Tab would like to apologize for the underwhelming amount of gun and ammo purchase receipts, but in his defense, they were made up in number by just pounds and pounds of meat. Secondly Tim would like to say that the only reason the daily "Please release Rhinestone in 4K UHD Blu-Ray" emails he sent to Bob Iger stopped were due to threat from Mr. Iger himself to "burn the master negatives of that honky-tonk piece of crap unless you stop contacting me". We would also like to take this moment to preemptively leak this week's episode contents:

- Department of Public Safety
- Amazon Sidewalk
- Massacres
- Lazy Twitch Streamers

The Department of Public Safety? More like the Department of waiting all day to pay a ridiculous fee to arbitrarily keep my privilege to travel.

Villains in real life aren't moustache-twirling, top hat-wearing bozos that scream "I'll get you someday, Superman!" No, in real life they tend to hide under the guise of "just your average multi-billionaire philanthropist" or "glorious leader doing the best for my country". And that's the key, is that they present themselves as doing the public a service for their own good. So when Amazon says they're going to have a camera installed in every room of your house by 2025 so they can keep you safe from danger, Johnny Everyman says "Thanks, Amazon!".

What exactly defines a massacre? What do you imagine when the word comes into your mind? People tied up in lines, wearing hooded bags, waiting to be executed? Machetes hacking up sleeping innocents? Well, I'll tell you this much, it's a lot worse than a riot. 10/10 people would agree that "massacre" implies worse things than "riot" does. If some damning new evidence came to light that changed how we saw an event, I'd say a name change would be in order. Just changing an event's name to make it sound worse than it was? Hm.....

Video games are meant to be fun. Can you have fun playing a game with someone telling you where to go and how to play the whole time? I don't think so. So when a streamer doesn't bother to look in the settings or skips through the tutorial just to have their chat do all the work for them, it makes for a bad time. I barely want to see someone else play a video game in the first place, so if you're only barely playing the game and not being interesting in another way, what's the point?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 235 - Munchkinland (ft. Rem Dickman)

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Tonight, on HWIDG Investigates: The Land of Oz. Once a fairytale-esque land of Lollipop Guilds and Yellow Brick Roads, after the Munchkin Revolt of 1968, Oz was one of the poorest, most violent lands in the world. But these days, with a brand new government and a totally rewritten set of laws, Oz is prosperous once again. All thanks to its new Holy Godemperor, his highness, Tab Birt. After a brief United Nations trial that saw him acquitted of war crimes, he saw that Oz was restored to its proper glory, without "all those weird tiny people". But some people still view him in a poor light due to his genocide of the Munchkins. When prompted he had only two words to say : "blow" and "me". Tune in next week on HWIDG Investigates for part fourteen of our deep dive into the Bigfoot-D.B. Cooper-Hitler Love Triangle.

- Normie Nerddom
- One Person Majority
- Planet Manlet

Being a nerd these days isn't very hard. With the MCU and Funko Pops and Batman t-shirts shoved in your face everywhere, it's not hard to be one of these normie nerds. It's not about knowing Cyclops' beams aren't lasers and that in fact his eyes are portals to the Punch dimension, it's about getting his limited edition Age of Apocalypse Funko Pop and wondering "Why does he have long hair, that's different than the movie".

Remember the needs of the many outweighing the needs of the few? Or the one? Of course you don't, you're a normie who likes Micheal Burnham because she's so strong and brave! And also, you're a selfish lookie-loo who likes sticking their head into other people's business and believing you should upend their life because you were offended by something that was said in your vicinity. Congratulations, "I'm offended" now means "there needs to be consequences".

Short people got no reason to live. Who would've known that all these years later Randy Newman was a prophet for our new religion, Heightism. We of the Heightism faith believe that short people need to be rounded up and extinguished. They are a plague on mankind that has been too long in power, decreeing that clothes and furniture and buildings should be built to their specification. No longer! Now, the tall will rule the Earth and if you want it back, take it from our raised hands.

All that plus road rage, voicemails, comments and special news on this week's episode of HWIDG. Join us on DISCORD, and support the show on PATREON, or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 234 - Big, Dumb Monsters

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Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get, now with 100% less guests! That's right, no more of those zany neighbors joining in like Steve Urkel! Now it's back to the no-nonsense, serious life advice/true crime podcast you once loved.

- Average Movie Goers
- Dhar Mann Videos
- People Delaying You Fixing the Problem
- The Turn

Your average movie goer isn't the brightest. They've seen dozens of movies, just like us chad cinephiles, but for some reason their smooth brains won't let them recognize bad dialogue, poor CGI, continuity errors, or the terrible wooden acting of Brie Larson. For them it's "ooh shiny" moving pictures to keep their brain at just above consciousness. It's why they didn't "get" The Matrix in 1999 or Inception in 2010. It's why there's hundreds of shat-out YouTube videos "explaining" obvious aspects of movies.

Apparently YouTube is in a content drought. Despite millions and millions of videos on every imaginable subject, you average YouTube viewer just needs something easy to binge watch and keep them barely awake. I guess that's why this weirdo makes dozens of "family-friendly" "kid-approved" short films that are just Afterschool Specials. Four of these a week, of kids getting shamed for being poor, people bullied for being homeless, autistic kids getting made fun of, you know all things to instantly make you go "good guy", "bad guy". It's the plebian's daily dose of "INSTANT KARMA, YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENS NEXT".

You know, I love when I'm working on a problem that's driving me up a wall, taking all of my years of experience to tackle, and the doofus who hired me, who maybe knows a thing or two about a thing or two, comes up and asks me how long it's gonna take, or even worse, starts up with "have you tried this thing?". Yes, Dave, I have. It's the first thing I did. And the longer you hover around me, with me needing to explain the things I learned years ago just to bring you up to speed on the subject, let alone what I've already tried, IS MAKING THE PROBLEM LAST LONGER.

No messiah is safe from their religion. If Jesus came down to Earth, and turned out to be a gay, weed-smoking, tattooed, pierced, abortion-performing, warmonger whose first act was to burn down all churches, he would be tried and executed that day, then erased from every bible and replaced with Kirk Cameron.  

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 233 - Service Me Now (ft. Adam from Houston)

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We here at HWIDG are proud to present our new sister podcast: HWICGIMC! On Here's Why I Can't Get Into My Car, we'll talk about all the reasons we're stuck in a Waffle House parking lot at four in the morning. Each week we'll invite a new guest for tips and tricks on how to break into your own car, even if it's at a Denny's or IHOP parking lot! All tips are guaranteed to be 24/7 breakfast-joint agnostic, and may even apply to cars stuck in steakhouses or KFC drive-thrus!

- Big Change Now
- Asshole Engineering
- The Science is Settled

It's my change and I want it now! Like Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, people these days seem to want big, overarching social and political change at the snap of a hand. Look, if anyone had an Infinity Gauntlet, they would do the snap thing just like Thanos. Of course they would. Their ideal world in a blink of an eye? Sounds great. Also that's from a comic book you morons, that's not how life works. You draw sweeping swaths of socio-political change in a moment's notice? You got a war on your hands, buddy.

Remember the days when you could just screw something apart and back together? With a flathead or Phillips screwdriver? And not with a proprietary swirly screw head or a bunch of plastic tabs and glue? Those were the days. You know, when you actually owned things that you bought. Not anymore. These days its all leases and use licenses. You don't own the thing and if you mess with it we'll come and take it back. Hiding under the guise of "trade secrets" and "user ease", we've gone from being able to repair things to just buying a new one.

As everyone knows, once someone does some science, they submit it to the Holy Council of Science and the council etches the findings into the large, indestructible, Wall of Science so it is saved there for all time and no one can change it. Then, the members of the council announce the new science to Council Enforcers who then travel to labs all across the world and inform scientists of the new science with their fists. Once the scientists prostrate themselves to the Enforcers and pray to the God of Science three-hundred and fourteen times, they are forgiven and may return to their own science.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 232 - Luke Skyhocker (ft. Deadhelm)

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It's time to unveil the HWIDG Tax Plan for 2021! The plan is nothing. Taxation is theft.

- May the 4th
- California
- Armageddon Vibes

Happy Fan Day! It's a celebration! For the Fans! Fans can tell us how much they love us this year by buying 1 of our 64 Fan Day exclusive commemorative Fan Day 2021 FanBoxes. Each FanBox comes with a unique digital code for a bunch of nothing! For the Fans! Collect all 64 and you'll be put into a drawing for the Golden FanBox featuring an all-expenses paid trip to the grand opening of our Fan Store in New York City where you'll be the first to buy a bunch of tchotchkes that will gather dust on your shelf!

Ah, California. Sunny weather, beaches, palm trees, skaters and surfers, Silicon Valley dickwads raising property costs, and all other kinds of Coastal Elite shenanigans! So much so they call the other 46 states Flyover States. A burden to get across in order to get to their NYC business meeting all the while whining about how cold it is then retreat back to their home and downtalk the farmers that grow the almonds they so deperately need for their Dairy-free Venti Grande Chocotini with two pumps of Vanilla.

Hey, you know what's weird? The military! As civilians it's rare to see so many uniformed troops guiding you through large public spaces. It's something you only see in disaster movies with Jake Gyllenhaal or Gerard Butler. Well, that's enough said of that. We all know your here to hear Tab yell.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!