Tab and Tim Watch - Bloodsport

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The results are in and Bloodsport is this month's winner. A movie that Tab has never seen and Tim hasn't seen in a long time. Bloodsport brings back the best of the 80s! Stereotypical honor minded oriental characters, easy casual sex with reporters, endearing bromance, and most of all a simple plot that explains itself in 20 minutes, and the rest of the film can just be awesome fights. What isn't there to love. So sit back and enjoy this month's Bloodsport commentary.

Minisode 7 - Little Women

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Welcome to the final bonus bits for this month.

- Windows Notifications
- No Mens Dish Gloves
- Lack of Backup Baskets
- Small Monsters
- Flys

Hey, it's Windows Here. I need to tell you about this important Bonus Episode that just released on HWIDG!

Maybe you're a sensitive man, not wanting to have a bunch of chemicals directly on your skin. Well fuck you because latex gloves, are the only thing on earth that are safe for women, and fuck you for trying to co-opt that safe space.

You're at the store, and finally you find a bunch of gloves for men. You're ecstatic. Guess what? In your hopeless state you didn't bother to grab a basket when you walking into the store. That's fine; as you walk to the front of the store. Only to never find the aisle ever again. Why wasn't a basket near you when you needed it?

You're trying to determine where the aisle possible could have gone. Maybe it was stolen by a monster. It would have to be a big one though, because small monsters are fucking lame. Anything that can be kicked out of a window, or disabled by capturing it in a box is not scary. I'm looking at you you goddamn fly in the house.

Flys are stupid. They just fly around bumping into shit, and getting trapped in your blinds making you go crazy trying to kill the fucker. There are no windows in the Handle Breaker house because he over zealously tried to kill all the flys and just bust through the whole window.

Well that is out Minisode this month. Thank you for supporting the show. We have 2 special bonus episodes coming soon for everyone, and an even specialer $5 Bonus Episode.

Bonus Episode 19 - Water Heater Hacks

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The heat is on, folks. On the stove, in the sky, oppressing the ones you love with it's sweltering radiance. Here at Here's What I Don't Get, we're trying to keep cool by any means necessary, cold showers, popsicles, the works. We find what works best is sticking the following do gets in the freezer for about 15 minutes:

- Hot Water
- Cooking Competition shows
- Bullying
- Getting rid of things

Due to the amount of rage Tab has to deal with, he often comes home from a long day of work covered in the blood of various people. A mildly warm shower won't take care of that. No, you need a black market shower head built for elephants, and a hacked water heater. The steam opens up your pores, you know.

Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen, Top Chef, MasterChef, Tim loves 'em all. Can't get enough. Seriously. And Tab has a problem with that. High cuisine and fine dining are a whole other world it seems. Prepare yourselves for a four course meal in what may be the most controversial do get yet.

Bullying. A little goes a long way. No one should be getting pounded in the face for wearing glasses, but just like in exercise where you break down those muscles and they grow back stronger, a little bullying and standing up to it prepares you for life. Unfortunately, zero tolerance policies these days let the kids know that defending yourself is wrong. Sounds to me like the school administrators need a bit of bullying themselves.

Minimalism, it's all the rage these days. Living minimally means getting rid of those superfluous things that take up all that room. Burn them if you have to. Just get rid of them. With flames. Dancing against the night sky. The ashes land on your tongue. They taste sweetly of bitterness. The fire is in us all. Release it.

Thanks for supporting the podcast folks, we couldn't do it without you! I mean, we could, but it wouldn't be as fun. Don't forget to Vote on Next Month's Commentary 

Tab and Tim Watch: Tucker and Dale vs Evil

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It was a close call in the voting this month and we had to actually go deep into the rankings to figure out a clear winner. So we will be updating the votes for a ranked choice vote point system. The winner with 82 points for May was Tucker and Dale vs Evil a movie half of us have seen. It actually turns out really good, we both enjoyed it and you will too. Thanks for supporting the show this month and don't forget to submit the next movie!

Minisode 6 - Patreon, We Shrunk Ourselves

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Sliding in at the last second is April's Minisode where we discuss these minor issues.

- The Room
- The Premature Nod Off
- People That Don't Eat Pizza Crusts
- The Inconsistency of Movie Popcorn
- Post Movie Shoes
- The 45 Minute Snow Day Make Up

What may be the most boring movie ever made, The Room. Why do people watch this movie? Ironically? No you're all idiots this movie is bad, and you should feel bad, it puts me to sleep.

Putting me to sleep, well that is our second issue, nodding off prematurely. You're sitting there, you start nodding off, you decide you've earned a little siesta. Lay down... WELL FUCK YOU NOW IT'S TIME TO LAY WIDE AWAKE!! Thinking about all the people that have wronged you.

One of those people, the asshole that doesn't eat pizza crust. Mother fucker, you have eaten a fuck load of crust up to the end, and now you have a problem. K-k-k-k-k-kill Yourself.

Speaking of eating a fuckload of things, why the fuck can't I get decent popcorn for $10? Microwave popcorn is always perfect yet somehow a bag of popcorn that costs more than the employees working there make in an hour can't meet a consistent quality assurance level? God damnit.

Then post movie all that shitty popcorn that you dropped on the floor? Now you have styrofoam feet, I hope that polished concrete isn't too slick or you might die.

Finally schools were closed here in OK for two weeks so the teachers could cry about money. Instead of making those days up at the end of the year (Or you know, having the teachers do their fucking job), they get to make them up by adding 45 minutes to each school day getting kids out later and teaching them fuck nothing.

Well that is this month's episode, thanks for supporting the show everyone, we'll see you next month. May's commentary will be a couple days late, due to Tim and I's schedules not lining up. Plus we may be having a special guest for Episode 75 this week. Stay tuned.

The Room, Premature Nod Off, People That Don't Eat Crusts, Inconsistent Movie Popcorn, Post Movie Shoes, Snow Day Make Up

Road to Infinity War - Episode 9 - Captain America: The Winter Soldier

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The movie that I have seen in theaters nearly a dozen times, Captain America The Winter Soldier. When Hydra re-emerges Captain America calls no one else and solves the fucking problem himself. Meanwhile The Winter Soldier is hunting him down, will it be his best friend Bucky? The answer may shock you.

In what may be the best of the MCU, this movie delivers on everything but excessive jokes. Watch it, watch it right now.

Coming next is Guardians of the Galaxy with Tim the Handle Breaker

Road to Infinity War - Episode 8 - Thor: The Dark World

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In the first of the unnumbered sequels of the MCU we have Thor: The Dark World. The evil Doctor Who has returned from somewhere to bring an end to the universe, because reasons...

Is this the worst of the MCU? Does Jane foster become more than a cardboard standee, or will she take a name through a good portion of the film? Will this be the shortest episode of Road to Infinity War? Listen to find out!

Road to Infinity War - Episode 7 - Iron Man 3

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Well boys and girls it is time for Phase II and not the one where we make tesseract weapons despite not having the tesseract. No this is Phase II of the MCU where the movies get jokier, and the heroes get sullener. I watched Iron Man 3 some say the worst of the Iron Man franchise do I agree do I disagree? You'll have to listen to find out. Big thanks to myself from 5 years ago for the thumbnail art I made in an art class. Next up is everyone's favorite, Thor: The Dark World.

Bonus Episode 18 - Special Delivery

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It’s that time of the month again. Time to crank up the tunes and put on your dancing shoes, because Here’s What I DO Get is finally here. Take our hand and let us lead you to the dance floor and boogie down, just don’t step on our shoes as we dance to the sweet sounds of:

-Not Being the New Guy
-The Circus
-Coheed and Cambria
-Socks

Being the new person anywhere tends to suck, work, school, you name it. It’s awkward, you stand out, and people call you “New Kid” instead of your actual name. So, as soon as someone takes your place, there’s a big wave of relief that washes over you. But on the other hand, you no longer have that extra shield to save you from mistakes. Before you know it, you’re calling them “new guy” too.

You wanna get pumped to go to the circus? Two words: Sabre Dance. It’s high flying danger, jaunty comedy, and goddamn lions jumping through goddamn flaming hoops, what else could you want?! You don’t want to see a Mad Max style motorcycle stunt called THE GLOBE OF DEATH? What’s wrong with you?

Look, Tim’s into some weird stuff, alright? So it’s no surprise that his favorite band is an emo/prog/punk/rock band that sings about almost-human robots with gun arms and telekinetic powers, and spaceship battles, and poisoning your children, and viruses that can blow up galaxies, and blue-skinned killer angel ladies, and that’s just the FIRST album! He likes them a lot, and he’ll talk his head off to you about them, but he won’t be pushy about it.

Socks! They’re shoes without the hassle of laces, stretchy enough to cover holiday bloating, cheap enough to have lots of, and diverse enough to have whatever the hell you want printed on them. Tab’s a pretty straightforward all black socks kinda guy, but Tim’s got all kinds of colored and patterned socks. 

All this, plus we talk about the ethical quandaries of cheating in school, and we open our first viewer mailbag! As always thanks for supporting the show, remember to vote for next month’s movie commentary, and we’ll see you next time.

Road to Infinity War - The Avengers

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This is a triple long episode of the Road, with Special Guest Tim the Handle Breaker. We talk about how many times we've seen this movie in theaters. We talk about the highs and lows in the film. Those little details you might have missed. What does the future of the MCU look like post Infinity War? Is this movie still one of the best in the MCU? We decide you should agree. Tim also announces when he'll appear for Phase II, and drops a hint for when he'll be in on Phase III. I hope you're still enjoying the show as we get into Phase II with Iron Man 3.

Road to Infinity War - Captain America: The First Avenger

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This is a long episode, but we go really in depth about what works and what doesn't with this film on the eve of the first Avengers movie. I really thoroughly enjoyed this movie from start to finish while watching it again, it was a really fun story and well told. There are some hiccups, but overall it's enjoyable. Next up is the Biggest movie of the decade The Avengers with Special Guest Tim the Handlebreaker.

OUTTAKES - Buck's Sleep Over Story

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In the interests of time management, this anecdote from Uncle Buck was taken out of the last episode. Not that there was anything wrong with it, just that the episode flowed better with it taken out, so that we could get to Randy's issue quicker.

So, for our Patreon supporters, here's a quick fix to munch on.

Road to Infinity War - Thor

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In something of an upset my pre-watch gives a better review of this movie than the post-watch! Is it because Natalie Portman is wooden? Maybe it's bcause Thor doesn't wear his sweet ass helmet. In any case it took me three sessions to watch this movie in full because I was not feeling it. Stay tuned next up is Captain America: The First Avenger

Tab and Tim Watch - Crank 2: High Voltage

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This movie was a far more psychotic romp than either one of us remembered. Filled with overly graphic violence, fake Joseph Gordon Levitts, Shot Guns in asses, horses on parade, and most importantly high voltage. This movie is far better than Rubber and we want to thank you that fans for it. Don't forget to suggest the next movie in May!