Episode 276 - Pancake Stomp

Just when everyone thought all out war would break loose over a territorial pissing match, the real bad guy comes along and kicks our collective butt. Turns out people care more about gas than they do some country halfway around the world. These 18 year olds wont be getting drafted and sent to Nowhere to fight for nothing, they'll be stationed outside your local gas station making sure you aren't stealing gas rations.  Tough lick fighting for Lady Justice when you're stuck in Plattville, WI, making sure Greg McDouchestink can't fill his Hummer.

- The Automatic Bathroom
- The Paperless Delay
- Closed on Mondays
- Idle Pestering

Who needs an automatic bathroom? Germaphobes? The handicapped? Sure. But not everyone else. We're perfectly fine flushing our own john, lathering our own soap, and turning on the tap to our preferred temperature. Next thing you know we'll have the all-automatic bedroom. Self-replacing sheets, sock dispenser, pillow fluffer, a robot attendant to tuck us in. And that sounds wonderful, let's work on that technology.

Email was a great invention. Going paperless let us go from piece of mail right into the garbage, to email notification you immediately swipe away. Unfortunately, the systems that led us to this great lack of junk mail are about as rickety as the foundation of a San Fransisco bum's newspaper shack. For every "Join us at Chase banking" email I get, I still get that fake credit card of theirs in the mail. So that particular junk mail has doubled.  Despite Amazon's and Big Box store investments into rapid shipping, the state office, tax forms, and other actual important mail takes literal weeks. Like it's the 90s and you just ordered something from a TV commercial.

The 9-5 Monday through Friday work week sucks. We all know this. Certain stores and establishments keep these hours to keep the norm, but now "the norm" can't use your services! If they would just shift a few hours further or ahead, it would let 9-5ers come in on the way to work, or just after, and would let your own employees visit those 9-5 places when they need to. And then there's the "we're special" places that like to be closed Wednesday and Thursday for some reason. But the worst is Monday. No one like Mondays. Getting some fresh coffee before or after work can make or break the day. If I can't get my decaf-double-shot-espresso-vanilla-caramel-latteachiato because you want a "funky" weekend, why open at all?

Some people can't be quiet. I think the quiet hurts their brains. It's quiet? Something's wrong, fix it by pestering someone. No one's around? Pester them via text. Someone said there are no dumb questions. That's wrong. It comes from a good place, but it's wrong. Asking questions is good. People that want to learn frequently ask questions, but with a purpose. Pesterers ask stupid questions to fill the void between their ears. This is why social media exists. To relax the pesterers and give them somewhere to spout the inane questions that would otherwise drive a person to bludgeon them with a chunk of rebar.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 275 - Surf's Up!

As the looming threat of nuclear war hangs above our head like a bad 80's flick, we must stand firm and remember that the dozens of fatalities from the immediate blasts will be dwarfed by the following radiation fallout! So get your Pip-Boys ready, keep your Gauss rifle close, and sleep soundly to the fact that you'll be a creepy Ghoul at best in the nuclear winter! Dasvidaniya, boys!

- Channel Surfing
- Tiny Propaganda
- Machismo
- Easy Mode

Ah, channel surfing. The true American pastime. It's not good enough to just sit and watch something, you've got to scroll through all the available channels you have because dammit, you paid for them! And that's how we live our lives now, scrolling from crisis to crisis, forgetting them like a cereal commercial from three channels ago. With each press of the button we excitedly stop and analyze. "Is this something I like?" "Is this a rerun?" "Oh, this movie is half over? Pass!" All the while the rest of the people in the room are trying to quickly discuss each passed channel and yelling out "go back a few" so they can show off their knowledge on some obscure foreign film no one else wants to watch.

Propaganda isn't quite as blatant as it used to be. It has been adapted to the modern times, trying to trick your brain into thinking things it didn't before. It's the small things, like memes, that invade your subconscious. And yes, even the reverse psychology anti-memes that are all the rage these days have been weaponized. It's the way we change language to suit one party and not the other. It all adds up to make you believe that the sexy president of the poor, oppressed people needs help nuking the enemy so you can get a cute military girl to marry you.

We hear a lot about toxic masculinity these days, but there's another more accurate word to describe it, machismo. It's the dumb, entitled sense of strength that some men have, and if others don't show also display it, they are weak. It starts as a teenager, when you get stronger and taller than the others around you, and you want to show it off. At this point, just about all of us go through it. "Sure, pack another box on top of there, I got it." But as you age, you SHOULD grow out of it. Working smarter instead of harder. Unfortunately, not everyone does.

People want to be part of the zeitgeist. So when the hot new thing comes around and it's not for you? Most folks do the proper thing and ignore it, but others must complain that they can't play in the same sandbox. It's why you have to "bring enough for the whole class" when you just want to eat a piece of candy as a kid. It's why your Legos get bent and disappear because you're forced to share with the dumb kid who can't even put them together right. Not everything is made for you, and if you want it to be, then change it yourself.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 274 - Activated Boners

Guns. Experimental aircraft. Sonic the Hedgehog. A chili cheese Coney combo with tater tots and a vanilla shake. This episode of HWIDG. What do these items have in common? Well they all have the ability to go supersonic! Life comes at you fast, but we come even faster. Wait, no. I worded that wrong.

- Hateboners
- The Snowpocalypse
- Generibad
- The Way It's Always Been Done

A hate boner is when you hate something so much it gives you physical pleasure and you need to change your pants. You can tell someone that gets hateboners by the amount of pants they own. If they own more than 10 pairs of pants? I'm sorry, but they're suffering from a sever case of Hateboners and there's nothing that can be done at this stage, apart from making them feel comfortable. Or slapping them in the face and telling them to stop wasting so much of their time on something they don't even like. Seriuosly. It's ok not to like things, even healthy to passively hate things, But once you cross the line into activating Hate's trap card, you're dead.

Remember the good ol' days of waking up to watch the news ticker and figure out if you had school that day? Well no more. Now, school is virtual. You know what else is virtual? Rikku from FFX and I can't yank one out to ugly-ass Miss Davidson teaching me algebra, so guess who's not "Zoom"ing into class today? Spoiler alert: It's me.

Generic is bad, bad is worse, but also generic is even worse? There's a fine, thin line between 'meh' and 'this blows' and it's a hell of a tightrope walk that many have fallen down from. Bad movies can be made fun of, laughed at, and ridiculed. Generic ones? You can play a cool party trick called "I know what's going to happen in this movie I've never seen", but that's about it.

If the medical industry did things "the way they've always been done" we'd still be sticking a needle through your eye because you saw ghosts, or drilling a hole in your brain to let the ghosts out of it. We'd be sawing off your arm at the first sign of infection instead of giving you antibiotics, and if you went to the ER because you got a lightbulb stuck up your poop chute, we'd hang you instead of safely removing it. So maybe we try something new every once in a while, eh?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 273 - Big Honkers

As Americans, we basically invented honkers. Even if we hadn't, we've got the most famous ones! I'm talkin Convoy (the song), Convoy (the movie), Smokey and the Bandit, Dolly Parton, and Optimus Prime! We need to stand in solidarity with the Canadian truckers that get that sweet maple syrup from Calgary to Alberta however far that is! Seriously, how far is that? Anyways, we need to be honking just as much! Show them that while Rock & Roll may not be Noise Pollution, honking sure is! That's why HWIDG will be proudly raising money for the cause by launching Honk For Honkers. For every pair of honkers we see out there on the road, we'll be donating 1 HONKCoin.

- The Mask-Off
- Optometry
- Live. Die. Repeat
- Phone Tower Outages

Finally, masks are gone! I saw it! At the Superbowl, in Los Angeles of all places, the crowds were packed and not a single mask! It's over! But you're still seeing masks aren't you? Of course you are! The mandate might be over, but masks are still "strongly recommended" by your local government, the same way they "strongly recommend" locking your doors at night. Don't worry, though, because they're still required in airports, schools, hospitals, stores, restaurants, theaters, and anywhere else you might go. Fr**dom!

We figured out eyes a long time ago with glasses. For those 10% of times that glasses are uncomfortable, we invented contacts. We solved it! Aside from curing blindness with sci-fi eye transplants we solved all of humanity's vision problems! So what happens when an industry is stagnant? Well, they invent new problems so they can solve them! Lens coatings to prevent scratches and UV rays and blue light, trifocals and quadfocals, transition lenses so you have kind-of sunglasses and glasses in one! Then we went from hard contacts to soft ones, dailies, weeklies, and monthlies, colored contacts for weebs, HydroPlus technology so they stay moister longer, HydroPlus is out AquaVent technology is in! Contacts for presbyopia and astigmatism and rheumatism and multifocal contacts with Predator vision! Calm down, I just need to see more than 6 inches in front of me.

Those that fail to learn from history are doomed to repeat it. What do you remember from high school history class? Or were you too busy drawing sketches of Spawn fighting Batman, or playing Tekken under the table, or playing footsies with a second-string cheerleader? What was the major headline this week last year? Is it something that just totally slipped by you? One drop in a bucket of information that is poured into our eyes daily? No one learns from history anymore, because there's too much of it. It's not actual history until it's in a book somewhere 20 years from now, and you know what's going to stick, the big wars and market crashes. No one will care that businesses were given the strength of governments and time and time again they had say on what was right or wrong.

Everyone has cell phones. Something like 97% of Americans. With margin of error and folks that have more than one for business and work or sidepieces, you've got to figure 100% is a good bet. So we know how many things we need to service, how the hell are we not adequately servicing them? We've got cell speeds faster than most peoples computers were ten years ago, but I can't send a text in the middle of the day for some reason? How about you stop spending millions on Superbowl commercials and even more on bonuses for the board, and stop bowing down to the Karens of HOAs by making towers look like pretty plastic trees and MAKE SURE MY PHONE CAN SEND A CAT GIF TO SOMEONE 5 MILES AWAY IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE! 

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 272 - Save Tab (The Soda)!

Not all heroes wear capes. Some are born heroes and some are made heroes. But what do they have in common? When the bell of justice rings, they answer. When Gotham is under siege by The League of Assassins, Batman swoops in and takes vengeance. When a meteor is hurtling towards Metropolis, Superman flies up and saves the day. When a multi-billion dollar company is going to discontinue your namesake's soda, Tab is there! No longer will the evil corporations leave the original diet soda in the corner to fend for itself! When there is soda-related injustice to be fought, Tab is there!

- Sheer Incompetence
- Pointless Apologies
- Bait and Switch Sales
- Unfaithful Adaptations

A lot of times in life, it turns out no one knows what they're doing. We're all just winging it at some point. Some people are good wingers, and then there's the bozos. The idiots that radiate pure incompetence hot enough to give you radiation burns. You can only hope that when you meet one of these people in the workforce that you are high enough above them to get them the hell out of the building before they set it on fire trying to microwave a burrito. Otherwise, you have to stand/sit there and take in their incompetence like a stink. And there is no fan or spray strong enough in this world to get rid of it.

People apologize for two reasons: they are either truly sorry for what they did, or they want to save face. The problem is that these days, no apology is ever good enough. Fans don't care about what you did to apologize for, your haters will still hate and not accept the apology, and everyone else doesn't care. So what's the point apologizing to the people that will never be happy with your apology and will in fact just dig deeper and scour every word you've ever said or written to make you do it all over again?

Retail stores these days have us like rats in a maze. No longer are we in charge, spending where we want on what we want. Instead we are hurtled through stores like cattle, stopping every 10 feet to see the new shiny product that has the highest margins of profit. Gone are the days of the deal, replaced by group savings on select items. Amazon and the like have figured out how to skirt consumer rights just so, so they can falsely advertise one color in one size of a shirt as a massive bargain while the rest sit there at full price, laughing at you for being poor.

One of two things can happen with unfaithful adaptations to the screen. On one hand you have something that is quasi-true in tone, setting, story, or characters but is mangled by writers, directors and producers that have no interest in appealing to the existing fanbase, only in making another hit in the genre. Or you can have a director or writer use a work for its setting or tone and craft it into something that only barely resembles the original but is a fantastic piece of work otherwise. As a fan, yes it can hurt to see your favorite book be used practically in name only, but its much, much worse to see it treated like a Special Ops blacksite prisoner, abused and mangled until it has given up.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 271 - Meatloaf Forklift (ft. Vinnie from The Creep Off)

What makes a creep? Is it a broken door handle collection that gets slowly caressed every night? Is it dressing up like Dolly Parton and stalking Sylvester Stallone until releases Rhinestone on Blu-Ray? Is it creating a fictional podcast listener with a funny voice named "Andy" just to call in to your own podcast and others anonymously? Or is it guesting on this podcast without bringing in an issue? Find out on this week's exciting creepy episode!

- Women Loving True Crime
- Traffic Jams
- Stars
- The Arrowverse

Blood, gore, weapons, and murder are all typically associated with men. We're the ones that love beating each other with ripped-off legs in Mortal Kombat, watching Arnold blow the guts out of terrorists, and sending cyphers to the local newspaper about our next victim. But for some reason, the recent rise of "True Crime" media has attracted a new audience: women. For some reason women love hearing about the gruesome details of serial killers and how they slowly torture their victims, chop off pieces of their bodies and eat them with fava beans and a nice chianti. And they seemed unfazed by it! But men watching heads being exploded by aliens are weird and gross for some reason.
   
   When you're working, you're usually focused. The thing you're doing is important and needs to get done, so when someone gets in your way it's frustrating. But here's the secret, I know you're busy, I know I'm impeding your work, but if you just stop for ten seconds and answer my question or move out of the way, or send a file, whatever it is, I will be out of your hair and you can go back to scooping ice cream or writing TPS reports. I have work to do too, and the quicker you help me out instead of bitching about it, the quicker we can both go home.

You always hear that "celebrities are people too" ,and that's true for some of them. Some of them are humble folk, aware that they live a privileged lifestyle that most people will never come close to. But the others? They have been warped by money beyond your wildest dreams, yes men that approve every dumb decision they make, and assistants on top of assistants that prevent them from seeing any peon worker. These are the kind of people that demand their natural peanut butter be stirred before they enter the green room, because god forbid they stir their own food. The kind of people that tell management to make workers not make eye contact with them.

With the rise of superhero movies in the last fifteen years, the TV studios have been trying to get a bit of that super-payday. But those movies have millions upon millions to use on 135 minutes once at a time. The TV shows have 25% of that budget to use on 7 times the footage. Do the math. Even the "premiere" streaming shows might have the same big Hollywood budget, but for 6-8 episodes. So they end up looking cheesy and bland in the action scenes, and the acting is soap opera level because they're essentially filming a movie every 2 weeks. It's admirable to try, but given the output so far, is it worth it?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 270 - Grand Theft Ticket

In lieu of a regular episode this week, here's something much funnier: three hours of audio of Tab playing Grand Theft Auto V. Will he get away from the cops? Will he throw the controller multiple times because of some bush you can't just drive through? Will he accidentally shoot the friendly A.I. because the camera freaked out? Will he be broke AF despite pulling off multiple million-dollar heists? The answer to all of these, unshockingly, is yes. Because that's what happens to everyone.

- Ticketmaster
- Day-Off Lethargy
- Playing Cops
- Online-ification

You know why people always want to cut out the middleman? Because he's a fraud. A fox that has wiggled his way into making you believe that he is essential as a go between between you and someone else. He makes its so easy, all you have to do is give him a little cut on the side. And Ticketmaster is the worst one. Why should a big arena pay for a Box Office with actual people that can help you when they can let Ticketmaster plop another 35% onto your overpriced tickets to see some past-their-prime rockers or coked-out pop star?

You got a day off of work? Congrats! Now, don't sleep in, go to the gym or work on your hobby so you don't feel like a waste and a failure. That's the modern mindset. Always grinding. Not working? Side hustle. Time off from both? Bettering yourself, keeping your hours constant. Non-stop. Why though? What's the use in working all the time to earn money for things you don't have time to enjoy because you're always working? Why isn't sleeping in and leisure time considered healthy for the mind and body? Work should be work, once you're off the clock, you're off. If time is money, spend yours how you want.

No one like a hall monitor, or a meter maid, or a security guard, or anyone else that likes to play pretend police officer. We know that it's not absolute power that corrupts absolutely, it's a modicum of power, so imagine the balls on the guy that actually does have absolute power. He must go around swinging them, showing them off to everyone he can. Russia acting up again? "Maybe they want to see my balls?" Some new resistance group pops up where they have lots of oil? "Is that oil for my balls?" North Korea testing nukes again? "Better go show them my balls!"

Games are not a thing you buy and play anymore. They are now services that you must keep up with, watch streams of, and stan for. What ever happened to sitting with your buds trying to beat that hard boss while chugging Mountain Dew and chomping on some pizza? Then watching The Matrix and Happy Gilmore again before trying to sneak a peek at some Skinemax? The internet happened. Why go over to your bud's place to pass a controller back and forth while calling each other names when you can play from the comfort of your own home, on your own Cheeto-stained mouse and keyboard, with no pants on, Netflix on your TV, while you and your friend wait in Discord chat because there's a new 25 GB update that nerfed your particular favorite weapon for being OP?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 269 - Go Dolphins

We here at HWIDG think of ourselves, not just as a podcast, but as a global brand. With that in mind, we've been looking to expand our brand into other forms of media, which why, we're proud to announce that we have plans to acquire Microsoft. With their established foothold in gaming, computers, mobile, and more, we as a global brand will be able to do the one thing that no one could ever do. That's right, we're going to hold a public execution for that crime to humanity called Clippy. His long reign of terror over children's book reports and your mother's recipes will forever be a blot on our history, but with HWIDG and Microsoft now together, we can make this dream come true. More news about this is coming soon, so stay tuned, until then:

- No Shows
- The Babysitter Look
- Dead Dreams
- Football Small Talk

Work sucks. The person that gets to wake up happy to go to work every day is one in a billion. For the rest of us, it's get up, get some fuel in us, and muster the strength to deal with whatever today's problem is. And for those salaried 9-5 folks, you don't feel like going in? Take a day off. It's healthy, and hell, the company gives you those days to use. Use them. But when you do gig work thats time-sensitive, with wacky hours, you can't just call off. What you can do though, is lie. Especially now, with cough panic? You woke up with a fever, you've got to stay home. But the worst thing you can do is just not go to work with no answer. That's called being a dick.

I don't like babysitting. Having to train someone at work stinks, and it's hard to do it without coming off like a condescending dick or that you don't care. That's why we need some form of card or AR rig that lets you see just how experienced someone is in something. Yeah, i've got 3000 hours stocking shelves buddy, you don't have to teach me how a box cutter works. Imagine all the time and resentment you would save if you could at-a-glance tell if someone was a noob or not. Plus you could compare numbers with your friends and brag about it. "I've wasted 250 hours dealing with idiots at work!" "Yeah, well, according to my stats, ONLY 250 hours of of my work was spent not dealing with idiots. And I've been there for ten years!"

I have a dream that one day a man's memory will be so forgotten that he will be reduced to a name of a holiday. That children will praise his name without any sense of what he stood for, just because they don't have to attend school. I have a dream that his image will be tarnished by Hollywood as they attempt to "humanize" him and make him more "real". I have a dream that despite being a martyr, his death will mean nothing, even if it was at the hands of his own government. I have a dream that this man that preached equality will be radicalized into a figure that represents just the opposite of that.

How about them Dolphins? The ones at the zoo? Are they still being treated ethically? Are they really the smartest mammal after humans? Are they still rapey? Yeah, it's a whole thing. No, really they're quite sexually aggressive. Kinda makes you think about them differently, eh? What? Oh, there's a football team named the Dolphins? Oh, I -uh I knew that, I was just kidding around. Boy they really beat that other team quite badly last week. They scored a lot of hoopgoals, didn't they? Okay, look, I know nothing about sports, can we talk politics instead?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 268 - Cursed Speedruns

2022 is a year of efficiency, that's why this episode was made as efficiently as possible. No energy savings mind you, just recorded right before it comes out, so that it reaches you at it's most fresh level. Next week we'll be beaming the episode directly into your ears for maximum efficiency and also to make you look like a crazy person in public.

* The Time Warp
* Testing Positive
* Showing Your Ass Online
* Cursed Land

Are you 2020? Because I want to do you again and again with no working protection.

Are you a virus test? Because I want to spit in you then swirl you around and around, then test negative.

Do you have an OnlyFans? Because you just showed your ass online and now everyone's laughing at you.

We're you built on an ancient Indian burial ground? Cause I want nothing to do with your cursed ass.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 267 - Top Heavy Bubble Butt

IT'S 2022 AND WE'RE TAKING NO PRISONERS THIS YEAR. NO ONE IS SAFE. NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA. AND THIS TRAIN AIN'T STOPPIN' ANY TIME SOON. WHERE SOME OTHER SHOWS TAKE A WEEK OFF (OR 6) BECAUSE OF A LITTLE COUGH, WE'RE BRINGING THIS SHOW TO YOU BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER. I'M TALKIN ABOUT FOUR, COUNT'EM: FOUR ISSUES PER EPISODE. THAT'S RIGHT. NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT EVEN A THREE-CHEESE BLEND OF RAGE, BUT A XXL FOUR-CHEESE, CONSTIPATED-FOR-A-WEEK EXTRAVAGANZA! 2022! BE THERE OR ELSE!

- USITT Problematic Terminology
- Bad Online Stores
- Boomeritis
- Working with Masks

People use slang. Before, during, and after work. Things get nicknames for one reason or another, and they then are called that for dozens of years. It's not malicious, it's descriptive. The "CAUTION: WIDE LOAD" sign was created before Tiffany the 400lb Giantess was driving down the road and saw it on a truck. You start removing it, and suddenly you're going to get a lot more damaged cars. If you're so offended by words that you have a breakdown at work because someone called the big "Picky-up-a-pallet-machine" a forklift, and your parents died in a tragic fork-related spaghetti incident? The forklift is not the problem.

Have you ever gone to a store that didn't have carts or baskets and you wanted a lot of items? NO. Even tiny convenience stores have baskets for you to carry your stuff in. Have you ever gone to a store that could only process one item at a time so you had to make multiple one-item purchases? NO. That's ridiculous. Even before computers people could write down more than one thing on a receipt! Yet here we are, with online stores that don't have cart systems, don't work on the weekend, or pack their digital shelves with out of stock items, like a school bully waving around the last Snickers bar from the vending machine in your face.

You thought Covid-19 was the most transmissible modern virus? Wrong. There is something much worse out there. It takes hold slowly, leeching into the mind. First you start wanting to change things for no reason, finding fear in the routine instead of comfort. You then start spending money you should be saving for retirement on cruises and trips to Mexico. Then you have kids and realize that you don't want to raise them your self, so they get an iPad and you let school do the raising. You start forgetting that your parents left you tangible things like a house and an inheritance and decide your kids don't need any of that, because you didn't get a helping hand along the way. Then before you know it, you're pissed that you can't retire at 65 because you blew your Roth IRA on two different home renovations in 20 years, so you want your kids to take care of you, but guess what? They don't even know who you are, Robert.

SCUBA divers, dentists, woodworkers, these kinds of people have jobs that require masks. For safety! I'm sure they've had to put up with it for years. But when they clock out or go o break, they can enjoy that nice, fresh air all they want. WRONG. NOT IN 2022, BABY. Everyone gots to mask up, no matter if it hinders your work. You could be pouring sweat, begging for air, but if you pull that mask off, you're getting canned. Fired because your employer made you wear a mask that made you almost die. Nice!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 266 - Beefboozled

As our last episode of 2021, we'd like to take this time to say goodbye to all those that we lost this year. The slicin' and dicin' Ron Popeil, the Ruff Rydin' DMX, the King of Monday Night Football John Madden, the uhhhhhhh best Burt Reynolds Norm McDonald, and much love and RIP to Shock-G and anyone else that ever got busy in a Burger King bathroom, I'm sure you're all dead of Hepatitis A, B, and C by now. But enough of that, let's look forward to next year, where the rest of your childhood heroes will bite the dust. Until then be glad this is the last time this year you'll have to hear about:

- Christmas Garbage
- Sweets
- The Jerky Racket
- New Year's Resolutions

A great man once said "America has always been defined by its excess: the Grand Canyon, professional sports contracts, Wendy's Baconator (extra bacon). I myself have 18 Lamborghinis and a Subaru station wagon. And it's because of this excess that I have flourished. I implore you, please, do no stop profiting. Live for excess, it's the American way." He was right. And with excess comes garbage. A lot of garbage. Packing material, wrapping paper, boxes, bags, plastic molds, zip-ties, batteries, receipts, cards, envelopes, bows, tape. And that's all just for the presents, don't forget the scraps, cans, and boxes that come with cooking your excessive Christmas feast afterwards.

Speaking of excess, even with a holiday devoted to letting kids run around from house to house gathering months worth of candy, we somehow find a way to outdo ourselves during the Christmas holiday season. Just how many deserts did your family have this year? Some cookies, a cake, three pies, banana pudding, peach cobbler, and brownies? Topped off with your candy-filled stocking? It's bad enough for one meal, but then you've got leftovers, and extra leftovers by the person that cooked the cake that only wanted one slice for themselves, so you've got to take the rest. So the next two weeks you're eating dessert every night like a king, then you go back to work and they've got to grease the sides of the door just to get you in, Shamu.

Hey boys, what if we's wuz ta take summa dat beef ova there, cut it up and dry it out, lettin it get all chewy and what not, then charge an arm and a leg for it, despite it being cheap beef that we just let sit around? Sounds like we're in business, the Don'll love it. We'll call it Jerky, on a count a cuz we're being jerks for makin' it cost so much.

Saying you'll do something is not the same as actually doing it. Unfortunately our dumb little lizard brains don't know that, so we get the same good feels from both. That's why we have New Year's Resolutions. Because saying you'll lose that weight, or read that book, or start drawing makes you feel just as good as actually doing it. Everyone loves planning and coming up with ideas for things. But when it comes time to do it? We get an even bigger dopamine hit from cancelling those plans. What weirdos.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Happy New Year, and Condolences to one Dick Masterson, for being Second Best.

Episode 265 - Corn Dogs of the Swamp

Merry Christmas folks! This year Santa is changing it up and going rogue! No more presents, no more coal, no more naughty or nice. Instead, he's playing a new game and it's called Corn Dog or Cattail! Check your stocking on Christmas morning and he's put either a delicious state fair corn dog in there, or a cattail, the very similar looking reed found near ponds! If you get a corn dog, you win! If you get a cattail, you get 12 months of bad luck. Happy Holidays!

- Potlucks
- Dumb Defaults
- The Non-Digital World
- Bubble Mailers

Do you know why they call them potlucks? Because everyone brings their "magical one-pot turkey chili mac" and its the luck of the draw whether you're going to have to stop by Burger King on the way home or not. With casseroles, crock pots, and way too many desserts, potlucks are the worst of American cuisine condensed into what can fit on a folding table. All so we can pretend to have a Not-Thanksgiving with our co-workers or fellow church-goers. The problem is that other people's cooking is so different from yours. If you ask five different people to make the same thing, you'll get five wildly different dishes. Some idiot will put paprika and cinnamon in their brownies, or some schmuck will bring a vegan gluten-free lasagna. If you're lucky you can stick to the store-bought stuff, eat some Lays, some French onion dip, a cookie, then leave and get some real food.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds one day, and instead of just ordering what you wanted, you were given a pre-made order, then had to customize it to your liking. All because some wahoo sued them last year because his specific order was too hard to make, so they had to make it the default instead of catering to 99.9% of their customers. So when I click on "Order History" on a website, I expect a reverse-chronological list of the stuff i've bought. Not a search form, and not a list of unintelligible order numbers.

Look, we're living in a digital world, and I am a digital girl. So when I see some off-the-grid scrub still living in meatspace with his government-subsidized mail system and his paper checks and disgusting, dirty coins, he ain't getting none of this cookie. I need a crypto-having, NFT-rocking, Metaverse daddy that can take me out to the newest VR Disco, where I can jump into my avatar of Goth Garfield and dance all night long with Rick from Rick and Morty, Optimus Prime with a human penis, and Barry White as a sexy anime girl.

Slim piece of paper? Put it in an envelope. Anything bigger? But it in a cardboard box, with plenty of wasteful non-recyclable filler to keep it safe. I'm tired of my items being lazily shoved into bubble mailers that don't offer any protection. Have you seen a beat up shipping box? I've had packages arrive with dents, bootprints, and a letter that said "I'm sorry I used your box to bash in the head of a hooker that stiffed me", and had my items in perfect condition. You can't do that with a bubble mailer. You can't even pop the bubbles! They serve no purpose!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 264 - Debris Dildos

What up my fellow CryptoBros? How's it hangin'? Allow me to introduce the HOTTEST NFTS since whatever the last ones were. Introducing: Whale Farts. That's right, you can own your own individual, special recording of a geniune whale fart for just whatever $10,000 USD is. That's right, own your own piece of non-erotic animal flatulence before anyone else gets in to it. Simply email your cryptobits to GetRichQuickPumpAndDumpScheme@computech.serve in the next 24 hours to get yours!

- People Who Think Magic Exists
- Chact Feckers
- Tornadoes
- "Professionals"

Don't you wish you could just take your boss, who ruined his electric car by pouring gasoline into the charging socket, back in time to his sweet little old fifth grade teacher? She smiles as she sees him all grown up ,remembers his name even. Little Bobby McDonald, all grown up, and the boss of a company, how about that. But then you break it to her that he left a bad Yelp review for a restaurant that was out of Diet Coke, and he berated them because he couldn't understand how Coca Cola ran out soda. Then under further asking he revealed that he thought soda machines had soda pumped into them from pipes that ran directly back to the factory? Don't you want to see the disappointment on her face?

People have biases. People program machines. Therefore, machines have biases. You don't think Nathan Bedford Forrest wouldn't program a robot to vaporize non-Marshmallow-Americans on sight if he could? When the US starts making our bombing drones autonomous, flying around the middle east, you don't think the people will start wearing whiteface? So-called "chact feckers" are also biased because the people inputting the facts are biased toward sources, and these sources are also biased, no matter what they say. They should be renamed "Correct Groupthink Checkers".

Tornadoes blow. They suck. But they're a natural phenomena. They've been around as long as winds have. And we live in a country where more than 50% of us get them all the time. Yet, one comes along and wipes out a street and the press treats it like an act of terror. People die and lose their houses, yeah, but what else was going to happen? There was no avoiding it. You can't move the street, we can't control the tornado. Build them a new house then leave them alone. We don't need "Five Years Later" TV specials. We need to figure out how to shoot tornadoes down with rockets.

Ahh so-called "professionals". Those that have the title walk around as if it was given to them in a ceremony by a queen. Instead, it's usually a self-imposed title given to those who have done a job for years and have stopped caring, or those excited young people who now have a career and want to hold it over your head. And wouldn't you know it, these people are exactly the kind to act like little children, making petulant remarks behind your back if not in front of your face, because they know you can't do anything about it. Next time some jackass describes themselves to you as a "professional", I give you permission to give them a very "professional" Glasgow kiss.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 263 - Where's My Money?

We here at HWIDG would like to apologize for this week's Advertisement. It was wrong of us to run a promotion for such a limited time, therefore we are extending the Boner Concealment Promotion until the end of this sentence. Ha got eem!

- Not Paying Your Bills
- People With One-Note Personalities
- Victim Points
- Chinese Superman

You forget a payment to a company and suddenly the world has gone up in flames for them. Late fees, threats of legal action, repossession, eviction, no matter what the issue is. But when they owe you money? Suddenly they're strapped for cash, or their accountant is out of town, or they had a data breach so it's going to take 2 months. Literally any reason not to pay you what you're owed. Did you know that the amount of money from wage theft per year in the US is more than all other types of theft combined? You know, the kind they throw other people into prison for, no questions asked?

Hello, I'm a 32 year old Texas man from Texas City, Texas. I'm 5 foot-Texas and weigh two hundred and Texas pounds. I work at Texas-Mart where we sell Texas-themed items and accessories. My favorite football team is all of the ones from Texas, and I can bench press about 2 whole Texans. My hobbies are being from Texas, telling people I'm from Texas, telling people ABOUT Texas, and making sweet, sweet Texan love at night to my body pillow with a specially commissioned pin-up of an anthropomorphized Texas.

We have Captain America, the brits have Captain Britain, Canada has Alpha Flight, Japan has Ultraman, the point is that superheroes that represent their countries are popular. Every now and then you see a country try to invent some Uncle Sam-type knock off to try and sell propaganda to the kids. And there's always some secret Captain Italy for Steve Rogers to fight, or Indian Spider-Man to pop-up in the Spider-Verse. So when I picked up the Chinese Superman that DC tried to do a few years ago, I should have known it was a cheap cash grab for the "international market". I mean, if Amazon has taught me anything, I should have known that a comic book about a Chinese Superman was just a copy of every other comic book, but with a Chinese name slapped on to it.

Episode 262 - Family

I can't believe it. All our childhood wishes come true! they're real! Transformers are real! Oh boy! Sure, they're just G1 right now, but we must be getting Beast Wars soon, right? How do I get one? No, I'm not talking about Covid, who mentioned Covid, I'm talking about Transformers! Autobots! Decepticons! Maximals! Predacons! What do you mean they're not real? Everyone's talking about them, especially Omicron, he's the coolest. He's like a big planet! A transformer the size of a planet! Oh, wait. His name was Unicron. So they're not real? WELL, THEY'RE STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT.

- Homeless People
- Not Calling Back
- Live Service Everything
- The Rush to Decorate

When you don't own anything, you own everything! The whole world is your oyster! You're free to travel as you see fit! In a boxcar train, going cross country, answering to no one! Sure seems like a great travel pitch doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's more like yell at the voices in your head at the top of your lungs at 5 AM because the devil is trying to make you eat your own leg and there's a shadowman chasing you to steal the soda can you're trying to get 10 cents for the some yahoo comes along starts talking to you, but you know he's part of the secret cabal of alien overlords, so you spit in his eyes, and he arrests you and takes you to a so-called "jail" that you really know is a holding facility for probing, but no one else believes you. And that's just your Saturday morning! Life's an adventure!

Look, we all have phone-phobia at some point. That icky feeling you get when you have to call some one back. It's not important enough that it needs your immediate attention, but it's not a robocall, there's another person on the other side. But you gotta do it. It's just a phone call. And believe it or not, one phone call can be the butterfly flapping its wings of someone's entire life. You not calling them back could create a terrorist. Ever think of that? Worst terrorist attack on the planet. Caused by you. That blood is on your hands. CALL THEM BACK.

In this world of digital connectivity, we can change things at a moment's notice. We can delete a bad tweet that no one saw. We can edit a forum post de-facto to make ourselves seem smarter than we are. And now, companies and creators have that power too. They're starting to change movies and albums long after they've been released. Whether it's Warner Bros putting in a "these cartoons were made in a different time so they're kinda racist" warning before all the Looney Tunes, or Lil Nas X removing a guest verse by Lil Pump on his new single because they have beef now. It's a dangerous slope and methinks we're just getting started. Thanks George Lucas.

What is the earliest you can decorate for Christmas without seeming tacky? These days? Probably October 1st. You know, before Halloween AND Thanksgiving. Even then, the turkey and stuffing is still piping hot when the majority of people decide to decorate their lawns the day after Thanksgiving. More than a month out. I'd like to ask these people what else they plan more than a month out. Birthdays? Do you make reservations for dinner a month before you have it? Oh boy! The season premiere of NCIS is on in 5 weeks, better start planning to watch it!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 261 - 3D Printed Feet

Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of year that you can just engorge yourself and no one minds. Except your pants. Decadent mashed potatoes with a whole stick of butter for garnish, bread that we dried out, then soaked in juice, then dried out again, vegetables covered in cream and cheese and other deep fried vegetables. Not to mention a huge bird, usually relegated to emulsified cold cuts, that cooks unevenly and is 50% bones. But the cherry on top? A can of jellied fruit that we call sauce despite it being sliceable. And don't forget your choice of bread product to sop up all that gravy! So ignore those distant family members as you hoover up your even-larger-than-usual plate, but pace yourself, because next is the GUANTLET OF PIES. Pumpkin, pecan, chocolate peanut butter, cherry, key lime, and not to mention:

- People Telling You How To Do Your Job
- Modern Shoe Design
- Movie Theaters
- CGI Budgeting

The best thing about your job? It's yours. Sure, there may be many like it, but this specific one is yours. It is your best friend. It is your life. You must master it as you must master your life. Your job, without you, is useless. Without your job, you am useless. So when some yahoo off the street does a drive-by "here's how you're supposed to do it" or a "last guy did [BLANK] differently", you should have the god given right to shoot them in the face. You don't go to their job and smack the 72 oz Big Gulp of stupid juice out of their hand, do you?

Why are shoes so ugly these days? Who needs a neon pink and orange pair of sneakers? With velcro straps? And a waveform of an Aphex Twin song on the soles? What's wrong with you people? I'm not sure but you're not half as loony as the PSYCHOS that put WHITE on shoes. ESPECIALLY THE BOTTOM. THAT'S WHERE YOU STEP ON TO ALL THE OTHER COLORS. Even if you lived in Sackshrink, Scandinavia where there was constant snow on the ground 24/7, 365 days out of the year, your white shoes would still be dirty by the third day. That is if you could find them in your size.

Do we need movie theaters anymore? We've got big TVs now. We've got the technology to make popcorn at home and I guarantee you there's a hundred internet articles/video explaining how to get that authentic movie theater taste(hint: it's essence of 16 year old stoner mixed with a spritz of hot dog water). We've got couches and recliners, just like them. We've got nachos that cost one-tenth the price and are twice as good, and candy that doesnt cost a dollar per bite. Not to mention for the price of a large movie drink we can get a 24 pack of our favorite soda. And now we can rent the movie the same weekend it comes out, for about the same price as a ticket and a half. We can pause it to take a leak, pause it to explain to your mom who the bad guy is and why he's doing what he's doing despite the fact that if she would just wait 30 seconds, he's literally about to give the same explanation in the movie. Plus, no strangers. So, you tell me.

Gee, I wonder why this new Justice League movie bombed at the box office. Was it the lack of marketing? Online weirdos creating negativity? The director being replaced? Studio demands mucking up the final edit? THe large amount of emergency reshoots that muddle the tone of the film? Gee I wonder how this could've been prevented. Well, let's look at the budget: Big alien bad guy CGI: 2 million dollars. Cape physics: 1.5 million dollars. Aquaman underwater scenes: 8 million dollars. Removing Henry Cavill's moustache from reshoots, giving him weirdmouth: 650 million dollars. Giant war battle scene: 10 bucks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 260 - I'm Not Stewart

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" your boss asks. You think long and hard. You internally chuckle because of the phrase "long and hard". "Well, hopefully I'm still producing quality content, just like the guys on the Here's What I Don't Get podcast that I listen to every week." Wrong answer. Your boss draws a gun on you. Surprise, he's an FBI agent and you've been lured in by our honeypot of a podcast. This is the last time a sleeper agent will infiltrate a handle factory ever again. "It was you all along, Dave! Dammit, I loved you like a son! But that all changed once I heard you whistling 'The Loco-Motion' this week" cries your boss, Reg. You were like a son to him, and he like a father to you. He'd take you to baseball games and buy you a hot dog every time you hit those quarterly milestones. He took you out for drinks when Sharon left you. But that's all gone now. All because Tab Birt made a peepee joke. And you still think it's funny, don't you, you sick bastard. Well, I guess you'll have plenty of time to laugh at it while you rot away in an FBI blacksite.

- Public Restrooms
- Not Following Through
- Rocket Science
- Talking At the Theatre

How come every time some atheists try to put up a statue of Belphegor, Asmodeus, or Beelzebub himself the entirety of the church and community fight it tooth and nail, yet there sits hundreds of designs of Satan in the city all around them in the form of public restrooms. Every other sink/soap dispenser/dispenser is ALWAYS broken, privacy is an afterthought, and the toilet paper is one-quarter ply. Even the clean ones are bad. A lock that doesn't go all the way so you're forced to stretch out your arm to bar it off, or a weirdly shaped bowl and/or seat. Public restrooms are Satan incarnate!

Life happens. Kids this, spouse that. Doctor appointments, and emergency room visits. Grandpas die and so do dogs. Surprise stomach flus and risky buffet oyster poos. But somehow people follow through. You move things around, you push through, or lose some sleep, but you fulfill that promise. That's a person you can count on. Others? they're flakes. They've had seventeen grandparents die, are constantly under the weather, and are always tired. Well guess what, I'm tired too! But I'm here at work despite that! Screw you!

Do you know how a rocket works? How to build and design one so that it does its job well? No? Well that's alright, all you need to know is HOT FRYING OIL = PAIN. If you can handle that you can flip burgers. Every job has its intricacies and specialized equipment that you have to learn, but that's usually not ALL of the job. There's basic skills and common sense that all jobs require, yet we all know someone who thinks their computer screen IS the computer, or someone that tried to clean an entire bathroom with a mop, or tried to make medium rare chicken strips. Somehow these people survive, despite their best efforts.

My own personal conspiracy theory? Lincoln was a theater talker. Mary Todd was tired of him asking "Is Hamlet the boy or the girl?" or "Why isn't Oedipus Rex a dinosaur?" so she hired John Wilkes Booth to blow his brains out the next time he asked a dumb question at full volume in a theater. Not as exciting as him being a secret vampire hunter, but much more realistic. How many vampire hunters have you run into versus idiots that can't shut up in a theater? "Who's the guy in the suit?" IT'S IRON MAN YOU DAFT BIMBO, MAYBE DON'T GO SEE IRON MAN SEVEN WITHOUT AT LEAST SEEING A TRAILER, OR JUST WAIT FIVE SECONDS I'M SURE THEY'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION BECAUSE THIS IS WHO GOES TO THE MOVIES I GUESS NOW, JESUS CHRIST.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 259 - VS. The Sun

You have been called together today because you are the best in your respective fields. It will take the greatest strategic and scientific minds we have to face this problem. What is this foe we face? The sun. For too long us humans have had to deal with invasive rays of light waking us up far too early. Or blinding brightness while we drive. Sometimes the temperature even gets mildly uncomfortable. We cannot stand for this! So, after attempted peace talks went nowhere last month, I have created this Anti-Solar unit to fight the big bastard that makes you want a cold glass of lemonade after working in your yard all day. The reason the bikini was invented! Hold on.... where are you going?! Get back here! Well, I guess I gotta do this alone. Hoorah!

- Messing with Time
- Unwarranted Nicknames
- Not Seeing Propaganda
- Right Click Victims

Time is a very fickle mistress. There's a reason all time travel stories end up having a "oh no I messed with time too much and I'm in the nightmare future" part of their stories. All of them. It's more than a trope, it's a fact of life. You don't mess with time. Yet here we are. Twice a year. Poking the sleeping bear. And for what? Farmers? Please. I know farmers. If farmers wanted more time to work the fields, they'd be there. Not lobbying congress to play with clocks. One of these days, I tell you. You're going to wake up in the nightmare future where Arnold was in Rocky and Stallone was The Terminator. That doesn't sound too bad, but you're forgetting the part where in this universe, Zelda is a girl.

Nicknames are granted to you. No one makes up their own nickname, that never works. They come from inside jokes with friends or sometimes from necessity due to a common name, but usually they take time. When you start tacking "-y Boy" and "-o" to the end of names of people you just met, it looks foolish. Insubordinate and churlish. I understand that some people are bad with names or deal with so many people it's hard to keep track of, but at that point I'd rather just be called dude, or guy, or "hey you there".

What's it going to take for people to open their eyes to the real world around them? They've got to get mad. Mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore. That's what it takes to break through the barrier of propaganda. No one will do anything until it personally affects them. Otherwise it's smooth sailing, drinking that government-supplied truth juice every morning and night. "There's no way the people that are supposed to protect me are also harming me." The answer's in that statement. Get harmed.

Look, we all know NFTs are dumb. Well, all of us except the weirdoes into them and that's the problem. You can be into something and understand it's a dumb thing to be into. Or at least a waste of money. But these jackasses have done a 180 and are now whining that people can right click-> save as their JPEGs. Even threatening legal action! Either because they don't understand what NFTs even are, or because it's a last ditch effort to pretend that their not wasting their money on receipts of JPEGs. If there's a new kind of victim there might just be someone that wants to save them, and *that* is a dangerous thought.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 258 - Shake, Squeeze, & Squirt

Now that November is here, it's time to hibernate! Get out of the cold and bundle up next to your extremely flammable space heater, turn on your favorite streaming service and binge, binge, binge. Because that's the American way. What could be more American than veg-ing out on the hot new series while avoiding friends and work just so you'll have something to talk to your cousin about in between bites of way too much pie after eating out of way too many different casserole dishes? America, where our salads consist of Mayonnaise, Cheese, Bacon, and a "flavor packet".

- Data Wars
- Not Leaving it at Home
- Taking Things Too Seriously
- The "Rye" Prosecution

The year is 2033, the fifth year of the war. Try as we might, the battle drones of Googazon overtake our forces more and more. The new update made them impervious to all kinetic rounds, just our luck. They hit a key data center last night, snuffed out Cpl. Robertson just like that. Said it was an old post that said "First lol. if yur not 1st, ur GAY". He will be missed, but we must press on. The search for Private James continues. The last message he was able to send said they were torturing his fellow POWs with their purchase histories, those bastards. Hold tight, men. We're coming. Roku Resistance leader Sergeant Birt, out.

At even the most menial jobs there should be an amount of professionalism present. Your customers don't care that your wife was a bitch last night or if your kid is acting up in school. Neither do your co-workers. You've got to learn to be a different person at work than at home. Bringing the baggage of your personal life in makes everyone around think less of you. If you're standing around moping because you got dumped, you're better taking the day off, not actively inhibiting other people's work.

People take their competitive hobbies way too seriously. Like sports. Sometimes it seems like the hardcore viewers are more immersed in the game than anyone actually playing. How many bar fights break out because of sports? Guy insulted the quarterback, so you're going to literally murder him? You're going to go to jail for 25+ years because some guy you don't know said something bad about some other guy you don't know? You're in too deep, man!

If dozens of seasons of Law and Order have taught me anything, it's that justice is represented by scales because just a little slip into the pocket of one side or the other will cause the scales to tip that way. The court system is a dog and pony show where the overpaid lawyers fight over definitions of words and other little quibbles in order to sway a jury that is no way impartial because its made up of people that can't be bothered to lie or get out of jury duty. So, despite classic works like Frankenstein and every story it has influenced, like The Simpsons Movie, looks like mob justice is the way to go now.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 257 - DUNC

HWIDG is proud to announce that we're changing our name to more closely align with how we feel the podcast will be going in the future. Today we're announcing: DUNC Talk. Going forward, DUNC Talk will be your one stop shop for all news and media related to DUNC, the new hit IP. What is DUNC? Is it a movie? An NFT? A food? We don't know, but it's going to be big, so get ready for loads and loads of DUNC, starting with:

- Christmasember
- Not Understanding How Things Work
- Horror Sequels
- Redhead Erasure

Imagine if you were sitting at a restaurant having a nice dinner. You're sitting there snacking on the free bread or rolls, when you see your waiter approach with a plate of hot, delicious entrees. As you take your first bite of delicious medium rare steak the waiter then brings out a plate of dessert items, and before you have a chance to protest, they shove a slice of cheesecake into your mouth. And you can't complain because everyone else around you seems not to care. It's that you don't like cheesecake, but you want it when it's time to have it. If you have cheesecake all the time, it loses its luster. Bit more and more, people are skipping over dinner and going straight to cheesecake, skipping over that delicious steak.

In this world of information at a touch, you'd think that people would have more knowledge on how things work. Car broke down? Google it and diagnose your problem. But instead certain people just don't have the mental capacity for such "useless" things. We've got all this information, but also all these people that don't want to learn anything, so we've also got instant problem solvers. Computer crashed? Take it to GeekSquad. Do this every time because you can't be bothered to not click links in random emails sent to you. How does my car work? I put gas in and the pedal makes the gas go into the little creature in the engine, and he farts out speed into the wheels.

Look, as much as we love horror franchises and their bounty of sequels, the originals are great for a reason. It's very few and far between when a horror equal, let alone surpass the original. For most of them the sequels are just an excuse to do it again, with a fresh batch of kids to kill, or a new family to haunt, in a new location that gets wackier and wackier as they go on. It's the horror problem. The bad guys are stars, so the rest of the cast can't shine, but it would be boring if they didn't fight back, but they can't kill the bad guy for good, or else no sequel, and even if they do the "last" one, ten years later there's a remake/requel in the wings.

Hollywood has figured out a new formula. Take your comedic relief/scrappy kid/ love interest redhead and replace them with a black (but not too black) person. As long as they're not the main character, what is this, BET? It's fine it's not like red hair is the rarest hair type, and there definitely aren't non-white people with red hair. And it's just hair! There's no way that red hair has been used to persecute people, therefore all these fictional redheads have absolutely no problems, right? Red hair has also definitely never been used as shorthand for defining a character's persona. Hair can't be fire, you're crazy!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.