Episode 265 - Corn Dogs of the Swamp — Here's What I Don't Get

Merry Christmas folks! This year Santa is changing it up and going rogue! No more presents, no more coal, no more naughty or nice. Instead, he's playing a new game and it's called Corn Dog or Cattail! Check your stocking on Christmas morning and he's put either a delicious state fair corn dog in there, or a cattail, the very similar looking reed found near ponds! If you get a corn dog, you win! If you get a cattail, you get 12 months of bad luck. Happy Holidays!

- Potlucks
- Dumb Defaults
- The Non-Digital World
- Bubble Mailers

Do you know why they call them potlucks? Because everyone brings their "magical one-pot turkey chili mac" and its the luck of the draw whether you're going to have to stop by Burger King on the way home or not. With casseroles, crock pots, and way too many desserts, potlucks are the worst of American cuisine condensed into what can fit on a folding table. All so we can pretend to have a Not-Thanksgiving with our co-workers or fellow church-goers. The problem is that other people's cooking is so different from yours. If you ask five different people to make the same thing, you'll get five wildly different dishes. Some idiot will put paprika and cinnamon in their brownies, or some schmuck will bring a vegan gluten-free lasagna. If you're lucky you can stick to the store-bought stuff, eat some Lays, some French onion dip, a cookie, then leave and get some real food.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds one day, and instead of just ordering what you wanted, you were given a pre-made order, then had to customize it to your liking. All because some wahoo sued them last year because his specific order was too hard to make, so they had to make it the default instead of catering to 99.9% of their customers. So when I click on "Order History" on a website, I expect a reverse-chronological list of the stuff i've bought. Not a search form, and not a list of unintelligible order numbers.

Look, we're living in a digital world, and I am a digital girl. So when I see some off-the-grid scrub still living in meatspace with his government-subsidized mail system and his paper checks and disgusting, dirty coins, he ain't getting none of this cookie. I need a crypto-having, NFT-rocking, Metaverse daddy that can take me out to the newest VR Disco, where I can jump into my avatar of Goth Garfield and dance all night long with Rick from Rick and Morty, Optimus Prime with a human penis, and Barry White as a sexy anime girl.

Slim piece of paper? Put it in an envelope. Anything bigger? But it in a cardboard box, with plenty of wasteful non-recyclable filler to keep it safe. I'm tired of my items being lazily shoved into bubble mailers that don't offer any protection. Have you seen a beat up shipping box? I've had packages arrive with dents, bootprints, and a letter that said "I'm sorry I used your box to bash in the head of a hooker that stiffed me", and had my items in perfect condition. You can't do that with a bubble mailer. You can't even pop the bubbles! They serve no purpose!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.