Episode 167 - Going Viral — Here's What I Don't Get

Welcome to another freezing episode of HWIDG. We’re snowed in now, schools are all closed, roads are icy, and noses are rosy. The weatherman said the blizzard dropped 46 inches of snow over our heads, a new record! Wait, what? He said four to six inches? And we didn’t even get that? Great, what am I going to do with all these bread and milk sandwiches, then?! I guess I can scarf them down while listening to a couple of jerks whine about:

* Playing "What's this Commercial For?"
* Iowa Caucuses
* Download Limits
* Virus Fearmongering

EXT. WIDE. ALL-AMERICAN SUBURBAN HOUSE. A white picket fence and a golden Labrador stand guard against any outside intruders while FATHER and JENNY build a swings on the well-manicured front lawn. MOTHER swings open the cherry-red front door with glasses of freshly-squeezed lemonade and sandwiches for everyone. PUSH IN as the clouds suddenly darken and the skies turn grey. A sudden downpour has ruined their fun. FATHER scrambles to cover everything with a tarp, but can barely stand due to the gale-force winds. CLOSE on Jenny as she has an idea. She grabs one of MOTHER’S sandwiches. Tuna salad with a pink-hued sauce. She takes a bite, and her head turns red then explodes into a bloody pulp. MOTHER and FATHER scream in agony and terror. FADE OUT. LOGO. (V.O.) “New from Hellman’s. Ghost Pepper Mayo. Be Bold.”

You’d think we’d have come up with a better way to count votes than standing in taped-out floor squares and yelling at each other why “my guy” is more socialist than yours, or loves America more. It doesn’t take much, hell runners have the photo finish now. It’s been expanded upon as technology has improved and now we have ultra high speed cameras to make exactly sure what the outcome is. It’s not just a volunteer dude staring at the finish line, shoving the other team’s guy for the best vantage point. Oh, but you say, there was an app this time. Yeah, well how did that work out?

Can you imagine paying your water bill, then getting it turned off 3/4 of the way through the month because you used “too much” of it? Not during a drought, or war time, in fact water has never been more plentiful in this occasion. Or you go to a fast food joint and they say hey, we have free drinks today. You say awesome, grab a cup and fill it with your favorite beverage. Then halfway through an employee karate chops you in the throat mid-gulp and yells at you for having too much of the free soda.

You’re dead. Snow’s coming, guy all the perishable goods or you’ll die. Heat wave’s coming, stay under a fan or you’re dead. Murders are up 12% compared to this time last year, you’re dead. Flu season’s coming up, get your shot or you’re dead. CORONA VIRUS ALERT. THE CORONA VIRUS WILL KILL YOU AND REANIMATE YOU AS A ZOMBIE FORCING A LOVED ONE TO TEARFULLY KILL YOU AGAIN. WE REPEAT THE CORONA VIRUS CAN KILL YOU TWICE. Now back to Cheryl with today’s big Saver’s Tip, Cheryl? Cheryl? Oh god, NO. I’m so sorry Cheryl, but the CORONAVIRUS IS MAKING ME DO THIS.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!