Dearly beloved we are gathered here today at HWIDG Ministries to finally wish farewell to our console brother, the OUYA. Let him serve as a warning to any start-up company thinking they can infiltrate the market and grab a slice of the pie despite us already having eaten. From his dumb curved box shape, to his flimsy, terrible, terrible controller, but most of all his thought that people would want to play mobile phone games on their televisions. He was not a smart man. But, he brought us laughter at his expense, and that’s about it. Now brothers and sisters, let us sup in his honor. We’ve got ribs and smoked ham in the back, my mama cooked a casserole, brother Sony brought some cookies, and there’s beers in the ice chest!
* Weather Freak Outs
It’s raining right now. Thunder, lightning, the whole kit and caboodle. The TV’s on and the weatherman might as well be a doomsday-prepper reverend selling me 50 pound buckets of freeze dried Pork n’ Beans. Hours-long coverage of funnels and rotation and frankly a lot of words you don’t understand, but that’s okay! You know why? Colors. Lots and lots of colors! Green, a nice soothing color turns into a violent BLOOD RED THAT MEANS GET TO SAFETY THERE’S A TORNADER TWO HOURS AWAY.
There’s not such thing as a free lunch. Unless you sell your soul to become a moocher. Constantly doing this weird begging thing that makes you feel bad for them but also weirdly invades your personal space? Yes, I’m going to finish this pizza crust. I wasn’t going to originally, but now I’m gonna do it out of spite. Look, getting something for free out of nowhere is a nice feeling, but begging for scraps or doing what is essentially social dumpster diving? Not cool.
Petitions don’t work. Flat out. Most ask the impossible and the rest are used for raising awareness. You really think that HBO is going to spend millions and million of dollars to 1.) Rehire the Game of Thrones actors at a much higher rate, because none of them want to come back, 2.) Find “good writers” to rewrite (an even longer) last season? It’s laughable. Honestly. How dumb can you be that you think anything but the handwritten signature of every single living person on Earth will make HBO do anything? Guess what Game of Thrones fans, you got what you deserved.
Homeopathy, or, in layman’s terms, death. That’s right. Homeopathy is at most a placebo effect. Worst case? Actively killing you because you’re afraid of “Big Pharma”. Yup, Big Pharma buts mind-altering chemicals in the aspirin, but that lotus root covered in camel dung you’re sniffing like Tony Montana in the last 5 minutes of Scarface *definitely* is going to heal your headache. Let’s go back to the old days, where doctors prescribed actual cocaine for your illnesses. Wouldn’t that be dope? Everyone going around doing bumps with noses looking like Artie Lange’s? Okay, on second thought, maybe not.
All that and more on this episode! Voicemails, power outages, conspiracy theories and more! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT!