Episode 271 - Meatloaf Forklift (ft. Vinnie from The Creep Off)

What makes a creep? Is it a broken door handle collection that gets slowly caressed every night? Is it dressing up like Dolly Parton and stalking Sylvester Stallone until releases Rhinestone on Blu-Ray? Is it creating a fictional podcast listener with a funny voice named "Andy" just to call in to your own podcast and others anonymously? Or is it guesting on this podcast without bringing in an issue? Find out on this week's exciting creepy episode!

- Women Loving True Crime
- Traffic Jams
- Stars
- The Arrowverse

Blood, gore, weapons, and murder are all typically associated with men. We're the ones that love beating each other with ripped-off legs in Mortal Kombat, watching Arnold blow the guts out of terrorists, and sending cyphers to the local newspaper about our next victim. But for some reason, the recent rise of "True Crime" media has attracted a new audience: women. For some reason women love hearing about the gruesome details of serial killers and how they slowly torture their victims, chop off pieces of their bodies and eat them with fava beans and a nice chianti. And they seemed unfazed by it! But men watching heads being exploded by aliens are weird and gross for some reason.
   
   When you're working, you're usually focused. The thing you're doing is important and needs to get done, so when someone gets in your way it's frustrating. But here's the secret, I know you're busy, I know I'm impeding your work, but if you just stop for ten seconds and answer my question or move out of the way, or send a file, whatever it is, I will be out of your hair and you can go back to scooping ice cream or writing TPS reports. I have work to do too, and the quicker you help me out instead of bitching about it, the quicker we can both go home.

You always hear that "celebrities are people too" ,and that's true for some of them. Some of them are humble folk, aware that they live a privileged lifestyle that most people will never come close to. But the others? They have been warped by money beyond your wildest dreams, yes men that approve every dumb decision they make, and assistants on top of assistants that prevent them from seeing any peon worker. These are the kind of people that demand their natural peanut butter be stirred before they enter the green room, because god forbid they stir their own food. The kind of people that tell management to make workers not make eye contact with them.

With the rise of superhero movies in the last fifteen years, the TV studios have been trying to get a bit of that super-payday. But those movies have millions upon millions to use on 135 minutes once at a time. The TV shows have 25% of that budget to use on 7 times the footage. Do the math. Even the "premiere" streaming shows might have the same big Hollywood budget, but for 6-8 episodes. So they end up looking cheesy and bland in the action scenes, and the acting is soap opera level because they're essentially filming a movie every 2 weeks. It's admirable to try, but given the output so far, is it worth it?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 270 - Grand Theft Ticket

In lieu of a regular episode this week, here's something much funnier: three hours of audio of Tab playing Grand Theft Auto V. Will he get away from the cops? Will he throw the controller multiple times because of some bush you can't just drive through? Will he accidentally shoot the friendly A.I. because the camera freaked out? Will he be broke AF despite pulling off multiple million-dollar heists? The answer to all of these, unshockingly, is yes. Because that's what happens to everyone.

- Ticketmaster
- Day-Off Lethargy
- Playing Cops
- Online-ification

You know why people always want to cut out the middleman? Because he's a fraud. A fox that has wiggled his way into making you believe that he is essential as a go between between you and someone else. He makes its so easy, all you have to do is give him a little cut on the side. And Ticketmaster is the worst one. Why should a big arena pay for a Box Office with actual people that can help you when they can let Ticketmaster plop another 35% onto your overpriced tickets to see some past-their-prime rockers or coked-out pop star?

You got a day off of work? Congrats! Now, don't sleep in, go to the gym or work on your hobby so you don't feel like a waste and a failure. That's the modern mindset. Always grinding. Not working? Side hustle. Time off from both? Bettering yourself, keeping your hours constant. Non-stop. Why though? What's the use in working all the time to earn money for things you don't have time to enjoy because you're always working? Why isn't sleeping in and leisure time considered healthy for the mind and body? Work should be work, once you're off the clock, you're off. If time is money, spend yours how you want.

No one like a hall monitor, or a meter maid, or a security guard, or anyone else that likes to play pretend police officer. We know that it's not absolute power that corrupts absolutely, it's a modicum of power, so imagine the balls on the guy that actually does have absolute power. He must go around swinging them, showing them off to everyone he can. Russia acting up again? "Maybe they want to see my balls?" Some new resistance group pops up where they have lots of oil? "Is that oil for my balls?" North Korea testing nukes again? "Better go show them my balls!"

Games are not a thing you buy and play anymore. They are now services that you must keep up with, watch streams of, and stan for. What ever happened to sitting with your buds trying to beat that hard boss while chugging Mountain Dew and chomping on some pizza? Then watching The Matrix and Happy Gilmore again before trying to sneak a peek at some Skinemax? The internet happened. Why go over to your bud's place to pass a controller back and forth while calling each other names when you can play from the comfort of your own home, on your own Cheeto-stained mouse and keyboard, with no pants on, Netflix on your TV, while you and your friend wait in Discord chat because there's a new 25 GB update that nerfed your particular favorite weapon for being OP?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 269 - Go Dolphins

We here at HWIDG think of ourselves, not just as a podcast, but as a global brand. With that in mind, we've been looking to expand our brand into other forms of media, which why, we're proud to announce that we have plans to acquire Microsoft. With their established foothold in gaming, computers, mobile, and more, we as a global brand will be able to do the one thing that no one could ever do. That's right, we're going to hold a public execution for that crime to humanity called Clippy. His long reign of terror over children's book reports and your mother's recipes will forever be a blot on our history, but with HWIDG and Microsoft now together, we can make this dream come true. More news about this is coming soon, so stay tuned, until then:

- No Shows
- The Babysitter Look
- Dead Dreams
- Football Small Talk

Work sucks. The person that gets to wake up happy to go to work every day is one in a billion. For the rest of us, it's get up, get some fuel in us, and muster the strength to deal with whatever today's problem is. And for those salaried 9-5 folks, you don't feel like going in? Take a day off. It's healthy, and hell, the company gives you those days to use. Use them. But when you do gig work thats time-sensitive, with wacky hours, you can't just call off. What you can do though, is lie. Especially now, with cough panic? You woke up with a fever, you've got to stay home. But the worst thing you can do is just not go to work with no answer. That's called being a dick.

I don't like babysitting. Having to train someone at work stinks, and it's hard to do it without coming off like a condescending dick or that you don't care. That's why we need some form of card or AR rig that lets you see just how experienced someone is in something. Yeah, i've got 3000 hours stocking shelves buddy, you don't have to teach me how a box cutter works. Imagine all the time and resentment you would save if you could at-a-glance tell if someone was a noob or not. Plus you could compare numbers with your friends and brag about it. "I've wasted 250 hours dealing with idiots at work!" "Yeah, well, according to my stats, ONLY 250 hours of of my work was spent not dealing with idiots. And I've been there for ten years!"

I have a dream that one day a man's memory will be so forgotten that he will be reduced to a name of a holiday. That children will praise his name without any sense of what he stood for, just because they don't have to attend school. I have a dream that his image will be tarnished by Hollywood as they attempt to "humanize" him and make him more "real". I have a dream that despite being a martyr, his death will mean nothing, even if it was at the hands of his own government. I have a dream that this man that preached equality will be radicalized into a figure that represents just the opposite of that.

How about them Dolphins? The ones at the zoo? Are they still being treated ethically? Are they really the smartest mammal after humans? Are they still rapey? Yeah, it's a whole thing. No, really they're quite sexually aggressive. Kinda makes you think about them differently, eh? What? Oh, there's a football team named the Dolphins? Oh, I -uh I knew that, I was just kidding around. Boy they really beat that other team quite badly last week. They scored a lot of hoopgoals, didn't they? Okay, look, I know nothing about sports, can we talk politics instead?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 268 - Cursed Speedruns

2022 is a year of efficiency, that's why this episode was made as efficiently as possible. No energy savings mind you, just recorded right before it comes out, so that it reaches you at it's most fresh level. Next week we'll be beaming the episode directly into your ears for maximum efficiency and also to make you look like a crazy person in public.

* The Time Warp
* Testing Positive
* Showing Your Ass Online
* Cursed Land

Are you 2020? Because I want to do you again and again with no working protection.

Are you a virus test? Because I want to spit in you then swirl you around and around, then test negative.

Do you have an OnlyFans? Because you just showed your ass online and now everyone's laughing at you.

We're you built on an ancient Indian burial ground? Cause I want nothing to do with your cursed ass.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 267 - Top Heavy Bubble Butt

IT'S 2022 AND WE'RE TAKING NO PRISONERS THIS YEAR. NO ONE IS SAFE. NOT EVEN YOUR GRANDMA. AND THIS TRAIN AIN'T STOPPIN' ANY TIME SOON. WHERE SOME OTHER SHOWS TAKE A WEEK OFF (OR 6) BECAUSE OF A LITTLE COUGH, WE'RE BRINGING THIS SHOW TO YOU BIGGER AND BETTER THAN EVER. I'M TALKIN ABOUT FOUR, COUNT'EM: FOUR ISSUES PER EPISODE. THAT'S RIGHT. NOT ONE, NOT TWO, NOT EVEN A THREE-CHEESE BLEND OF RAGE, BUT A XXL FOUR-CHEESE, CONSTIPATED-FOR-A-WEEK EXTRAVAGANZA! 2022! BE THERE OR ELSE!

- USITT Problematic Terminology
- Bad Online Stores
- Boomeritis
- Working with Masks

People use slang. Before, during, and after work. Things get nicknames for one reason or another, and they then are called that for dozens of years. It's not malicious, it's descriptive. The "CAUTION: WIDE LOAD" sign was created before Tiffany the 400lb Giantess was driving down the road and saw it on a truck. You start removing it, and suddenly you're going to get a lot more damaged cars. If you're so offended by words that you have a breakdown at work because someone called the big "Picky-up-a-pallet-machine" a forklift, and your parents died in a tragic fork-related spaghetti incident? The forklift is not the problem.

Have you ever gone to a store that didn't have carts or baskets and you wanted a lot of items? NO. Even tiny convenience stores have baskets for you to carry your stuff in. Have you ever gone to a store that could only process one item at a time so you had to make multiple one-item purchases? NO. That's ridiculous. Even before computers people could write down more than one thing on a receipt! Yet here we are, with online stores that don't have cart systems, don't work on the weekend, or pack their digital shelves with out of stock items, like a school bully waving around the last Snickers bar from the vending machine in your face.

You thought Covid-19 was the most transmissible modern virus? Wrong. There is something much worse out there. It takes hold slowly, leeching into the mind. First you start wanting to change things for no reason, finding fear in the routine instead of comfort. You then start spending money you should be saving for retirement on cruises and trips to Mexico. Then you have kids and realize that you don't want to raise them your self, so they get an iPad and you let school do the raising. You start forgetting that your parents left you tangible things like a house and an inheritance and decide your kids don't need any of that, because you didn't get a helping hand along the way. Then before you know it, you're pissed that you can't retire at 65 because you blew your Roth IRA on two different home renovations in 20 years, so you want your kids to take care of you, but guess what? They don't even know who you are, Robert.

SCUBA divers, dentists, woodworkers, these kinds of people have jobs that require masks. For safety! I'm sure they've had to put up with it for years. But when they clock out or go o break, they can enjoy that nice, fresh air all they want. WRONG. NOT IN 2022, BABY. Everyone gots to mask up, no matter if it hinders your work. You could be pouring sweat, begging for air, but if you pull that mask off, you're getting canned. Fired because your employer made you wear a mask that made you almost die. Nice!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 266 - Beefboozled

As our last episode of 2021, we'd like to take this time to say goodbye to all those that we lost this year. The slicin' and dicin' Ron Popeil, the Ruff Rydin' DMX, the King of Monday Night Football John Madden, the uhhhhhhh best Burt Reynolds Norm McDonald, and much love and RIP to Shock-G and anyone else that ever got busy in a Burger King bathroom, I'm sure you're all dead of Hepatitis A, B, and C by now. But enough of that, let's look forward to next year, where the rest of your childhood heroes will bite the dust. Until then be glad this is the last time this year you'll have to hear about:

- Christmas Garbage
- Sweets
- The Jerky Racket
- New Year's Resolutions

A great man once said "America has always been defined by its excess: the Grand Canyon, professional sports contracts, Wendy's Baconator (extra bacon). I myself have 18 Lamborghinis and a Subaru station wagon. And it's because of this excess that I have flourished. I implore you, please, do no stop profiting. Live for excess, it's the American way." He was right. And with excess comes garbage. A lot of garbage. Packing material, wrapping paper, boxes, bags, plastic molds, zip-ties, batteries, receipts, cards, envelopes, bows, tape. And that's all just for the presents, don't forget the scraps, cans, and boxes that come with cooking your excessive Christmas feast afterwards.

Speaking of excess, even with a holiday devoted to letting kids run around from house to house gathering months worth of candy, we somehow find a way to outdo ourselves during the Christmas holiday season. Just how many deserts did your family have this year? Some cookies, a cake, three pies, banana pudding, peach cobbler, and brownies? Topped off with your candy-filled stocking? It's bad enough for one meal, but then you've got leftovers, and extra leftovers by the person that cooked the cake that only wanted one slice for themselves, so you've got to take the rest. So the next two weeks you're eating dessert every night like a king, then you go back to work and they've got to grease the sides of the door just to get you in, Shamu.

Hey boys, what if we's wuz ta take summa dat beef ova there, cut it up and dry it out, lettin it get all chewy and what not, then charge an arm and a leg for it, despite it being cheap beef that we just let sit around? Sounds like we're in business, the Don'll love it. We'll call it Jerky, on a count a cuz we're being jerks for makin' it cost so much.

Saying you'll do something is not the same as actually doing it. Unfortunately our dumb little lizard brains don't know that, so we get the same good feels from both. That's why we have New Year's Resolutions. Because saying you'll lose that weight, or read that book, or start drawing makes you feel just as good as actually doing it. Everyone loves planning and coming up with ideas for things. But when it comes time to do it? We get an even bigger dopamine hit from cancelling those plans. What weirdos.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Happy New Year, and Condolences to one Dick Masterson, for being Second Best.

Episode 265 - Corn Dogs of the Swamp

Merry Christmas folks! This year Santa is changing it up and going rogue! No more presents, no more coal, no more naughty or nice. Instead, he's playing a new game and it's called Corn Dog or Cattail! Check your stocking on Christmas morning and he's put either a delicious state fair corn dog in there, or a cattail, the very similar looking reed found near ponds! If you get a corn dog, you win! If you get a cattail, you get 12 months of bad luck. Happy Holidays!

- Potlucks
- Dumb Defaults
- The Non-Digital World
- Bubble Mailers

Do you know why they call them potlucks? Because everyone brings their "magical one-pot turkey chili mac" and its the luck of the draw whether you're going to have to stop by Burger King on the way home or not. With casseroles, crock pots, and way too many desserts, potlucks are the worst of American cuisine condensed into what can fit on a folding table. All so we can pretend to have a Not-Thanksgiving with our co-workers or fellow church-goers. The problem is that other people's cooking is so different from yours. If you ask five different people to make the same thing, you'll get five wildly different dishes. Some idiot will put paprika and cinnamon in their brownies, or some schmuck will bring a vegan gluten-free lasagna. If you're lucky you can stick to the store-bought stuff, eat some Lays, some French onion dip, a cookie, then leave and get some real food.

Imagine if you went to McDonalds one day, and instead of just ordering what you wanted, you were given a pre-made order, then had to customize it to your liking. All because some wahoo sued them last year because his specific order was too hard to make, so they had to make it the default instead of catering to 99.9% of their customers. So when I click on "Order History" on a website, I expect a reverse-chronological list of the stuff i've bought. Not a search form, and not a list of unintelligible order numbers.

Look, we're living in a digital world, and I am a digital girl. So when I see some off-the-grid scrub still living in meatspace with his government-subsidized mail system and his paper checks and disgusting, dirty coins, he ain't getting none of this cookie. I need a crypto-having, NFT-rocking, Metaverse daddy that can take me out to the newest VR Disco, where I can jump into my avatar of Goth Garfield and dance all night long with Rick from Rick and Morty, Optimus Prime with a human penis, and Barry White as a sexy anime girl.

Slim piece of paper? Put it in an envelope. Anything bigger? But it in a cardboard box, with plenty of wasteful non-recyclable filler to keep it safe. I'm tired of my items being lazily shoved into bubble mailers that don't offer any protection. Have you seen a beat up shipping box? I've had packages arrive with dents, bootprints, and a letter that said "I'm sorry I used your box to bash in the head of a hooker that stiffed me", and had my items in perfect condition. You can't do that with a bubble mailer. You can't even pop the bubbles! They serve no purpose!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 264 - Debris Dildos

What up my fellow CryptoBros? How's it hangin'? Allow me to introduce the HOTTEST NFTS since whatever the last ones were. Introducing: Whale Farts. That's right, you can own your own individual, special recording of a geniune whale fart for just whatever $10,000 USD is. That's right, own your own piece of non-erotic animal flatulence before anyone else gets in to it. Simply email your cryptobits to GetRichQuickPumpAndDumpScheme@computech.serve in the next 24 hours to get yours!

- People Who Think Magic Exists
- Chact Feckers
- Tornadoes
- "Professionals"

Don't you wish you could just take your boss, who ruined his electric car by pouring gasoline into the charging socket, back in time to his sweet little old fifth grade teacher? She smiles as she sees him all grown up ,remembers his name even. Little Bobby McDonald, all grown up, and the boss of a company, how about that. But then you break it to her that he left a bad Yelp review for a restaurant that was out of Diet Coke, and he berated them because he couldn't understand how Coca Cola ran out soda. Then under further asking he revealed that he thought soda machines had soda pumped into them from pipes that ran directly back to the factory? Don't you want to see the disappointment on her face?

People have biases. People program machines. Therefore, machines have biases. You don't think Nathan Bedford Forrest wouldn't program a robot to vaporize non-Marshmallow-Americans on sight if he could? When the US starts making our bombing drones autonomous, flying around the middle east, you don't think the people will start wearing whiteface? So-called "chact feckers" are also biased because the people inputting the facts are biased toward sources, and these sources are also biased, no matter what they say. They should be renamed "Correct Groupthink Checkers".

Tornadoes blow. They suck. But they're a natural phenomena. They've been around as long as winds have. And we live in a country where more than 50% of us get them all the time. Yet, one comes along and wipes out a street and the press treats it like an act of terror. People die and lose their houses, yeah, but what else was going to happen? There was no avoiding it. You can't move the street, we can't control the tornado. Build them a new house then leave them alone. We don't need "Five Years Later" TV specials. We need to figure out how to shoot tornadoes down with rockets.

Ahh so-called "professionals". Those that have the title walk around as if it was given to them in a ceremony by a queen. Instead, it's usually a self-imposed title given to those who have done a job for years and have stopped caring, or those excited young people who now have a career and want to hold it over your head. And wouldn't you know it, these people are exactly the kind to act like little children, making petulant remarks behind your back if not in front of your face, because they know you can't do anything about it. Next time some jackass describes themselves to you as a "professional", I give you permission to give them a very "professional" Glasgow kiss.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 263 - Where's My Money?

We here at HWIDG would like to apologize for this week's Advertisement. It was wrong of us to run a promotion for such a limited time, therefore we are extending the Boner Concealment Promotion until the end of this sentence. Ha got eem!

- Not Paying Your Bills
- People With One-Note Personalities
- Victim Points
- Chinese Superman

You forget a payment to a company and suddenly the world has gone up in flames for them. Late fees, threats of legal action, repossession, eviction, no matter what the issue is. But when they owe you money? Suddenly they're strapped for cash, or their accountant is out of town, or they had a data breach so it's going to take 2 months. Literally any reason not to pay you what you're owed. Did you know that the amount of money from wage theft per year in the US is more than all other types of theft combined? You know, the kind they throw other people into prison for, no questions asked?

Hello, I'm a 32 year old Texas man from Texas City, Texas. I'm 5 foot-Texas and weigh two hundred and Texas pounds. I work at Texas-Mart where we sell Texas-themed items and accessories. My favorite football team is all of the ones from Texas, and I can bench press about 2 whole Texans. My hobbies are being from Texas, telling people I'm from Texas, telling people ABOUT Texas, and making sweet, sweet Texan love at night to my body pillow with a specially commissioned pin-up of an anthropomorphized Texas.

We have Captain America, the brits have Captain Britain, Canada has Alpha Flight, Japan has Ultraman, the point is that superheroes that represent their countries are popular. Every now and then you see a country try to invent some Uncle Sam-type knock off to try and sell propaganda to the kids. And there's always some secret Captain Italy for Steve Rogers to fight, or Indian Spider-Man to pop-up in the Spider-Verse. So when I picked up the Chinese Superman that DC tried to do a few years ago, I should have known it was a cheap cash grab for the "international market". I mean, if Amazon has taught me anything, I should have known that a comic book about a Chinese Superman was just a copy of every other comic book, but with a Chinese name slapped on to it.

Episode 262 - Family

I can't believe it. All our childhood wishes come true! they're real! Transformers are real! Oh boy! Sure, they're just G1 right now, but we must be getting Beast Wars soon, right? How do I get one? No, I'm not talking about Covid, who mentioned Covid, I'm talking about Transformers! Autobots! Decepticons! Maximals! Predacons! What do you mean they're not real? Everyone's talking about them, especially Omicron, he's the coolest. He's like a big planet! A transformer the size of a planet! Oh, wait. His name was Unicron. So they're not real? WELL, THEY'RE STILL REAL TO ME DAMMIT.

- Homeless People
- Not Calling Back
- Live Service Everything
- The Rush to Decorate

When you don't own anything, you own everything! The whole world is your oyster! You're free to travel as you see fit! In a boxcar train, going cross country, answering to no one! Sure seems like a great travel pitch doesn't it? Unfortunately, it's more like yell at the voices in your head at the top of your lungs at 5 AM because the devil is trying to make you eat your own leg and there's a shadowman chasing you to steal the soda can you're trying to get 10 cents for the some yahoo comes along starts talking to you, but you know he's part of the secret cabal of alien overlords, so you spit in his eyes, and he arrests you and takes you to a so-called "jail" that you really know is a holding facility for probing, but no one else believes you. And that's just your Saturday morning! Life's an adventure!

Look, we all have phone-phobia at some point. That icky feeling you get when you have to call some one back. It's not important enough that it needs your immediate attention, but it's not a robocall, there's another person on the other side. But you gotta do it. It's just a phone call. And believe it or not, one phone call can be the butterfly flapping its wings of someone's entire life. You not calling them back could create a terrorist. Ever think of that? Worst terrorist attack on the planet. Caused by you. That blood is on your hands. CALL THEM BACK.

In this world of digital connectivity, we can change things at a moment's notice. We can delete a bad tweet that no one saw. We can edit a forum post de-facto to make ourselves seem smarter than we are. And now, companies and creators have that power too. They're starting to change movies and albums long after they've been released. Whether it's Warner Bros putting in a "these cartoons were made in a different time so they're kinda racist" warning before all the Looney Tunes, or Lil Nas X removing a guest verse by Lil Pump on his new single because they have beef now. It's a dangerous slope and methinks we're just getting started. Thanks George Lucas.

What is the earliest you can decorate for Christmas without seeming tacky? These days? Probably October 1st. You know, before Halloween AND Thanksgiving. Even then, the turkey and stuffing is still piping hot when the majority of people decide to decorate their lawns the day after Thanksgiving. More than a month out. I'd like to ask these people what else they plan more than a month out. Birthdays? Do you make reservations for dinner a month before you have it? Oh boy! The season premiere of NCIS is on in 5 weeks, better start planning to watch it!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 261 - 3D Printed Feet

Ah, Thanksgiving. The one time of year that you can just engorge yourself and no one minds. Except your pants. Decadent mashed potatoes with a whole stick of butter for garnish, bread that we dried out, then soaked in juice, then dried out again, vegetables covered in cream and cheese and other deep fried vegetables. Not to mention a huge bird, usually relegated to emulsified cold cuts, that cooks unevenly and is 50% bones. But the cherry on top? A can of jellied fruit that we call sauce despite it being sliceable. And don't forget your choice of bread product to sop up all that gravy! So ignore those distant family members as you hoover up your even-larger-than-usual plate, but pace yourself, because next is the GUANTLET OF PIES. Pumpkin, pecan, chocolate peanut butter, cherry, key lime, and not to mention:

- People Telling You How To Do Your Job
- Modern Shoe Design
- Movie Theaters
- CGI Budgeting

The best thing about your job? It's yours. Sure, there may be many like it, but this specific one is yours. It is your best friend. It is your life. You must master it as you must master your life. Your job, without you, is useless. Without your job, you am useless. So when some yahoo off the street does a drive-by "here's how you're supposed to do it" or a "last guy did [BLANK] differently", you should have the god given right to shoot them in the face. You don't go to their job and smack the 72 oz Big Gulp of stupid juice out of their hand, do you?

Why are shoes so ugly these days? Who needs a neon pink and orange pair of sneakers? With velcro straps? And a waveform of an Aphex Twin song on the soles? What's wrong with you people? I'm not sure but you're not half as loony as the PSYCHOS that put WHITE on shoes. ESPECIALLY THE BOTTOM. THAT'S WHERE YOU STEP ON TO ALL THE OTHER COLORS. Even if you lived in Sackshrink, Scandinavia where there was constant snow on the ground 24/7, 365 days out of the year, your white shoes would still be dirty by the third day. That is if you could find them in your size.

Do we need movie theaters anymore? We've got big TVs now. We've got the technology to make popcorn at home and I guarantee you there's a hundred internet articles/video explaining how to get that authentic movie theater taste(hint: it's essence of 16 year old stoner mixed with a spritz of hot dog water). We've got couches and recliners, just like them. We've got nachos that cost one-tenth the price and are twice as good, and candy that doesnt cost a dollar per bite. Not to mention for the price of a large movie drink we can get a 24 pack of our favorite soda. And now we can rent the movie the same weekend it comes out, for about the same price as a ticket and a half. We can pause it to take a leak, pause it to explain to your mom who the bad guy is and why he's doing what he's doing despite the fact that if she would just wait 30 seconds, he's literally about to give the same explanation in the movie. Plus, no strangers. So, you tell me.

Gee, I wonder why this new Justice League movie bombed at the box office. Was it the lack of marketing? Online weirdos creating negativity? The director being replaced? Studio demands mucking up the final edit? THe large amount of emergency reshoots that muddle the tone of the film? Gee I wonder how this could've been prevented. Well, let's look at the budget: Big alien bad guy CGI: 2 million dollars. Cape physics: 1.5 million dollars. Aquaman underwater scenes: 8 million dollars. Removing Henry Cavill's moustache from reshoots, giving him weirdmouth: 650 million dollars. Giant war battle scene: 10 bucks.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 260 - I'm Not Stewart

"Where do you see yourself in five years?" your boss asks. You think long and hard. You internally chuckle because of the phrase "long and hard". "Well, hopefully I'm still producing quality content, just like the guys on the Here's What I Don't Get podcast that I listen to every week." Wrong answer. Your boss draws a gun on you. Surprise, he's an FBI agent and you've been lured in by our honeypot of a podcast. This is the last time a sleeper agent will infiltrate a handle factory ever again. "It was you all along, Dave! Dammit, I loved you like a son! But that all changed once I heard you whistling 'The Loco-Motion' this week" cries your boss, Reg. You were like a son to him, and he like a father to you. He'd take you to baseball games and buy you a hot dog every time you hit those quarterly milestones. He took you out for drinks when Sharon left you. But that's all gone now. All because Tab Birt made a peepee joke. And you still think it's funny, don't you, you sick bastard. Well, I guess you'll have plenty of time to laugh at it while you rot away in an FBI blacksite.

- Public Restrooms
- Not Following Through
- Rocket Science
- Talking At the Theatre

How come every time some atheists try to put up a statue of Belphegor, Asmodeus, or Beelzebub himself the entirety of the church and community fight it tooth and nail, yet there sits hundreds of designs of Satan in the city all around them in the form of public restrooms. Every other sink/soap dispenser/dispenser is ALWAYS broken, privacy is an afterthought, and the toilet paper is one-quarter ply. Even the clean ones are bad. A lock that doesn't go all the way so you're forced to stretch out your arm to bar it off, or a weirdly shaped bowl and/or seat. Public restrooms are Satan incarnate!

Life happens. Kids this, spouse that. Doctor appointments, and emergency room visits. Grandpas die and so do dogs. Surprise stomach flus and risky buffet oyster poos. But somehow people follow through. You move things around, you push through, or lose some sleep, but you fulfill that promise. That's a person you can count on. Others? they're flakes. They've had seventeen grandparents die, are constantly under the weather, and are always tired. Well guess what, I'm tired too! But I'm here at work despite that! Screw you!

Do you know how a rocket works? How to build and design one so that it does its job well? No? Well that's alright, all you need to know is HOT FRYING OIL = PAIN. If you can handle that you can flip burgers. Every job has its intricacies and specialized equipment that you have to learn, but that's usually not ALL of the job. There's basic skills and common sense that all jobs require, yet we all know someone who thinks their computer screen IS the computer, or someone that tried to clean an entire bathroom with a mop, or tried to make medium rare chicken strips. Somehow these people survive, despite their best efforts.

My own personal conspiracy theory? Lincoln was a theater talker. Mary Todd was tired of him asking "Is Hamlet the boy or the girl?" or "Why isn't Oedipus Rex a dinosaur?" so she hired John Wilkes Booth to blow his brains out the next time he asked a dumb question at full volume in a theater. Not as exciting as him being a secret vampire hunter, but much more realistic. How many vampire hunters have you run into versus idiots that can't shut up in a theater? "Who's the guy in the suit?" IT'S IRON MAN YOU DAFT BIMBO, MAYBE DON'T GO SEE IRON MAN SEVEN WITHOUT AT LEAST SEEING A TRAILER, OR JUST WAIT FIVE SECONDS I'M SURE THEY'LL ANSWER YOUR QUESTION BECAUSE THIS IS WHO GOES TO THE MOVIES I GUESS NOW, JESUS CHRIST.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 259 - VS. The Sun

You have been called together today because you are the best in your respective fields. It will take the greatest strategic and scientific minds we have to face this problem. What is this foe we face? The sun. For too long us humans have had to deal with invasive rays of light waking us up far too early. Or blinding brightness while we drive. Sometimes the temperature even gets mildly uncomfortable. We cannot stand for this! So, after attempted peace talks went nowhere last month, I have created this Anti-Solar unit to fight the big bastard that makes you want a cold glass of lemonade after working in your yard all day. The reason the bikini was invented! Hold on.... where are you going?! Get back here! Well, I guess I gotta do this alone. Hoorah!

- Messing with Time
- Unwarranted Nicknames
- Not Seeing Propaganda
- Right Click Victims

Time is a very fickle mistress. There's a reason all time travel stories end up having a "oh no I messed with time too much and I'm in the nightmare future" part of their stories. All of them. It's more than a trope, it's a fact of life. You don't mess with time. Yet here we are. Twice a year. Poking the sleeping bear. And for what? Farmers? Please. I know farmers. If farmers wanted more time to work the fields, they'd be there. Not lobbying congress to play with clocks. One of these days, I tell you. You're going to wake up in the nightmare future where Arnold was in Rocky and Stallone was The Terminator. That doesn't sound too bad, but you're forgetting the part where in this universe, Zelda is a girl.

Nicknames are granted to you. No one makes up their own nickname, that never works. They come from inside jokes with friends or sometimes from necessity due to a common name, but usually they take time. When you start tacking "-y Boy" and "-o" to the end of names of people you just met, it looks foolish. Insubordinate and churlish. I understand that some people are bad with names or deal with so many people it's hard to keep track of, but at that point I'd rather just be called dude, or guy, or "hey you there".

What's it going to take for people to open their eyes to the real world around them? They've got to get mad. Mad as hell and they're not going to take it anymore. That's what it takes to break through the barrier of propaganda. No one will do anything until it personally affects them. Otherwise it's smooth sailing, drinking that government-supplied truth juice every morning and night. "There's no way the people that are supposed to protect me are also harming me." The answer's in that statement. Get harmed.

Look, we all know NFTs are dumb. Well, all of us except the weirdoes into them and that's the problem. You can be into something and understand it's a dumb thing to be into. Or at least a waste of money. But these jackasses have done a 180 and are now whining that people can right click-> save as their JPEGs. Even threatening legal action! Either because they don't understand what NFTs even are, or because it's a last ditch effort to pretend that their not wasting their money on receipts of JPEGs. If there's a new kind of victim there might just be someone that wants to save them, and *that* is a dangerous thought.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 258 - Shake, Squeeze, & Squirt

Now that November is here, it's time to hibernate! Get out of the cold and bundle up next to your extremely flammable space heater, turn on your favorite streaming service and binge, binge, binge. Because that's the American way. What could be more American than veg-ing out on the hot new series while avoiding friends and work just so you'll have something to talk to your cousin about in between bites of way too much pie after eating out of way too many different casserole dishes? America, where our salads consist of Mayonnaise, Cheese, Bacon, and a "flavor packet".

- Data Wars
- Not Leaving it at Home
- Taking Things Too Seriously
- The "Rye" Prosecution

The year is 2033, the fifth year of the war. Try as we might, the battle drones of Googazon overtake our forces more and more. The new update made them impervious to all kinetic rounds, just our luck. They hit a key data center last night, snuffed out Cpl. Robertson just like that. Said it was an old post that said "First lol. if yur not 1st, ur GAY". He will be missed, but we must press on. The search for Private James continues. The last message he was able to send said they were torturing his fellow POWs with their purchase histories, those bastards. Hold tight, men. We're coming. Roku Resistance leader Sergeant Birt, out.

At even the most menial jobs there should be an amount of professionalism present. Your customers don't care that your wife was a bitch last night or if your kid is acting up in school. Neither do your co-workers. You've got to learn to be a different person at work than at home. Bringing the baggage of your personal life in makes everyone around think less of you. If you're standing around moping because you got dumped, you're better taking the day off, not actively inhibiting other people's work.

People take their competitive hobbies way too seriously. Like sports. Sometimes it seems like the hardcore viewers are more immersed in the game than anyone actually playing. How many bar fights break out because of sports? Guy insulted the quarterback, so you're going to literally murder him? You're going to go to jail for 25+ years because some guy you don't know said something bad about some other guy you don't know? You're in too deep, man!

If dozens of seasons of Law and Order have taught me anything, it's that justice is represented by scales because just a little slip into the pocket of one side or the other will cause the scales to tip that way. The court system is a dog and pony show where the overpaid lawyers fight over definitions of words and other little quibbles in order to sway a jury that is no way impartial because its made up of people that can't be bothered to lie or get out of jury duty. So, despite classic works like Frankenstein and every story it has influenced, like The Simpsons Movie, looks like mob justice is the way to go now.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 257 - DUNC

HWIDG is proud to announce that we're changing our name to more closely align with how we feel the podcast will be going in the future. Today we're announcing: DUNC Talk. Going forward, DUNC Talk will be your one stop shop for all news and media related to DUNC, the new hit IP. What is DUNC? Is it a movie? An NFT? A food? We don't know, but it's going to be big, so get ready for loads and loads of DUNC, starting with:

- Christmasember
- Not Understanding How Things Work
- Horror Sequels
- Redhead Erasure

Imagine if you were sitting at a restaurant having a nice dinner. You're sitting there snacking on the free bread or rolls, when you see your waiter approach with a plate of hot, delicious entrees. As you take your first bite of delicious medium rare steak the waiter then brings out a plate of dessert items, and before you have a chance to protest, they shove a slice of cheesecake into your mouth. And you can't complain because everyone else around you seems not to care. It's that you don't like cheesecake, but you want it when it's time to have it. If you have cheesecake all the time, it loses its luster. Bit more and more, people are skipping over dinner and going straight to cheesecake, skipping over that delicious steak.

In this world of information at a touch, you'd think that people would have more knowledge on how things work. Car broke down? Google it and diagnose your problem. But instead certain people just don't have the mental capacity for such "useless" things. We've got all this information, but also all these people that don't want to learn anything, so we've also got instant problem solvers. Computer crashed? Take it to GeekSquad. Do this every time because you can't be bothered to not click links in random emails sent to you. How does my car work? I put gas in and the pedal makes the gas go into the little creature in the engine, and he farts out speed into the wheels.

Look, as much as we love horror franchises and their bounty of sequels, the originals are great for a reason. It's very few and far between when a horror equal, let alone surpass the original. For most of them the sequels are just an excuse to do it again, with a fresh batch of kids to kill, or a new family to haunt, in a new location that gets wackier and wackier as they go on. It's the horror problem. The bad guys are stars, so the rest of the cast can't shine, but it would be boring if they didn't fight back, but they can't kill the bad guy for good, or else no sequel, and even if they do the "last" one, ten years later there's a remake/requel in the wings.

Hollywood has figured out a new formula. Take your comedic relief/scrappy kid/ love interest redhead and replace them with a black (but not too black) person. As long as they're not the main character, what is this, BET? It's fine it's not like red hair is the rarest hair type, and there definitely aren't non-white people with red hair. And it's just hair! There's no way that red hair has been used to persecute people, therefore all these fictional redheads have absolutely no problems, right? Red hair has also definitely never been used as shorthand for defining a character's persona. Hair can't be fire, you're crazy!

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 256 - T.J. Hooker In Space

Due to a severe pumpkin carving accident, Tab is unable to join the podcast this week, and under similar but unrelated circumstances, Tim is unable to join as he is currently confined to county jail for drunkenly attempting to re-handle a car. Fortunately the hosts were able to dictate their general thoughts on what they would be discussing and using a high end artificial intelligence, we were able to construct a makeshift episode using a library of voice lines by famous actors. So, here's Episode 256, as voiced by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone:

- Counter-Advertising
- Acceptance Speeches
- The Small Penis Frontier
- The Worst Decision Ever

Controversy sells. So what happens when certain people decide to make everything a controversy? Well, the people that make those controversies make more money! It's quite simple, actually. Just make a bunch of stuff, hope someone says the wrong thing for the current political landscape, then brush it off. Tell the people yelling at you that you're sorry and that you care, while also doubling down and selling it to the other side. Companies do not care about you. They don't care about your political or social beliefs, as long as you give them money. The less you care about them, the better off you'll be.

Acceptance speeches should be about 15 seconds long. "Thank you, I worked hard. Thanks to all the people who supported me." They should not be a platform for your political beliefs, or even worse, a run down of your life story. No one cares about your spouse, or your dumb kids, or how many people you worked with and their life stories. Just be humble, take the thing and get the hell off the stage so the rest of us can leave here sooner.

Captain James Tiberius Kirk has been to space. Of course he has, we've seen 3 seasons and 6 movies of him in space. But, now, he truly has. Shatner did it. He didn't build a spaceship in his backyard, engineer a launch and pilot it himself, but by being an icon that influenced many an astronaut, he was awarded a seat on one of Jeff Bezos' trips. And he was humbled by the experience, you could tell it in his lack-of-words. You know who wasn't humbled by the experience? Bezos. The small, Blue Man Group reject, looked down on Earth from orbit and thought, "wow, I own so much of that, I'm the coolest person ever". Oh how I wish Shatner would have Kirk-Fu'd his ass out of the airlock.

Have you ever come across a decision so mind-bendingly stupid, so vehemently dumb, that you had to lay down and think about the series of decisions in life that led you to that point? How it felt like seeing one of the world wonders but in the opposite way? How it made you think about the chaos that is the universe and how it formed the perfect planet to sustain life, and that life then evolved over millions of years into humans who invented civilization, and that socio-political changes drove masses of people here and there and eventually you were born to witness this stupidity of gargantuan proportions?

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 255 - All According to Plan

Well, with World War 3 on the horizon, we here at HWIDG would like to wish you the best in the coming apocalypse. Whether it be Mad Max style resource-gangs getting in shootouts over Mountain Dew, Fallout style atomicpunk restructuring, or a Walking Dead-esque epidemic of zombies and bad writing, we hope you have half as much fun burning the roving gimpsuit gangs as you do listening to the Ham Radio-exclusive Here's What I Didn't Get, where we bask in the glory of our pre-apocalyptic times, and the new Here's What I Don't Get About Scavenging in the Wasteland where we scream about how we miss Sunny D and Little Debbie Cakes. So saddle up your zombie horse/Robotron/sawblade-shooting VW Bus, and dial in to 443.85 and join us!

- Resignations
- Not Being Able to Take a Punch
- Version 1.0
- Translation Accuracy

Imagine a series of bank robberies. The most heinous the country has ever seen. Dozens killed, hundreds of millions stolen. All by one man the police can not catch. Then, he slips up. Something goes wrong during the latest heist and he gets surrounded by cop cars outside. He's finally been caught. He drops his gun, the money and walks outside, arms raised. The police yell at him that he's under arrest, to lay down and be taken into custody. Instead, he simply says "I'm sorry for my actions. I know they were wrong now. I hereby resign as a robber." In Universe A he gets pelted by a barrage of gunfire for resisting arrest and is the first person to legally die of lead poisoning from gunfire. In our universe, he's a politician too, so it's okay and he goes home and collects his pension.

If you are going to put something out into the public for other people, you have to be willing to take criticism. And because it's the internet, that criticism will not be served to you on a light and fluffy cloud, no it comes in a jar filled with barbed wire and salt. And you better listen. Those are your fans. They want you to be successful, but you've hurt them in some way and need to fix it or lose them. It's that simple. You punch me, I punch back, harder, and you either run away or you can take it like a man and accept it.

Version 1.0 is great when it releases. Maybe its groundbreaking, even. But it never lasts. No one watches black and white silent films anymore. They're functionally the same thing, yet obsolete. Super Mario Bros. is a classic. Any fun these days? Not really. Want some home defense? Why not try a musket from 1775? Because it sucks! Move on, old people. The future is now.

So, as it turns out, language isn't just words. Crazy, eh? It's interweaved with history and culture, and changes with the time and as it spreads. So when some pedant complains about translation or localization that isn't machine-like and actually accommodates for its audience, and that it "ruins the author's intent" tell them to sit down, shut up, and eat their hamburgers, Apollo.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 254 - Detroit Rock City

This week on WHAT WAS THAT? YOU'LL HAVE TO SPEAK UP SON! our two old men are at it again! With an industrial-sized tub of Ben Gay, a fresh stack of adult diapers, and a 2 LB bag of Werther's Originals, these grumpy old men are ready to... to.... what was it we were doing again? Where am I? Who are you? I've got to get back to base! I am Sergeant Handlebreaker with the U.S. Air Force and I am commanding you to stand down! ATTICA! ATTICA! ATTICA! Remember to call in if you want to leave a voicemail or talk to the ghost of Johnny Carson that lives in a potato. TURN THE SET BACK ON, THE VIRGINIAN IS ON! Back to you, Chet.

- Getting Old
- The Hate Rectangle
- Legacy IP
- Trust the Plan

Thirty isn't old, we know. Doesn't mean we can't channel our inner Walter Matthau though! I'm sure you olds that listen to the podcast are scoffing at our bodies slowly deteriorating to the level of your own while we're still living large without acid reflux and kidney stones. Well, we'll get you an ice pack while we can. Sooner or later we'll be the ones laying on the floor groaning about lumbar support or something or other.

Live music is awesome. One of the best experiences you can have in your life. The physical air being pushed toward you by ginormous speakers, the electricity in the air as you eagerly wait for the band to take the stage, being hit in the chest by the drummer's stick, the smell of the devil's lettuce wafting in from outside mixing with the beer about to be sloshed onto you by a drunk oldhead, the smile the frontman gives you as you sing along to the words he wrote. It's more than just sound and lights. So, the best way to experience it? Watching the video your buddy took during a show, his phone pointed at the jumbotron, while he missed all of this, so he can post it on Facebook, out of focus most of the time, the music overloading his phone's tiny speakers.

IP is king. It's why Lord of the Rings is happening AGAIN. Horror movie slightly successful? 5 sequels in 7 years. And a TV show. Successful movie from 20 years ago? TV series reboot. Screw up the last season of your ultra-popular TV show, you better fast-track that prequel series. Yet, I'm sure Hollywood has 50 years of optioned scripts from thousands and thousands of books that they could produce at a moment's notice. Someone has their next Star Wars or Harry Potter movie sitting in a desk in their office that has a post-it on it that says "Call me back when you hit 5 million sold".

Has anything you ever planned gone just the way you imagined it? Congratulations, then. But what's your rate of success? One in a million? One in one hundred even? You can't successfully plan for anything that involves more than just yourself. People are chaotic beings that follow their own sense of whimsy, their own rules and their playing a game of 8D chess you can't even fathom. Or they're playing with a laser pointer like a cat. And everything in between and none of them are games you even vaguely realize. There is one plan in our universe, and it's "there is no plan".

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 253 - Crango

Introducing... Crango! The same great tastes you love from cranberries and mango, now combined into a mysterious new fruit! Why is it pitch black? We don't know, but that's how they come! It's totally safe! Why are they perfectly triangular? We also don't know, I guess they grow that way!  Are they available unshelled? Don't worry, the crunchiness is a natural defense mechanism the Crango evolved in the wild! Why are they so expensive? The new Crango is actually a delicacy ,and until we find a way to import them in batch instead of one by one, the price will stay high. Isn't that awfully inefficient and bad for the environment? What do you mean? Have YOU switched over to solar yet? Do YOU turn off the lights when you leave a room for more than 15 minutes. You know, as individuals we need to worry less about a freight ship travelling around the world for a single fruit and more on what we can do ourselves to help the environment! Crango!

- Foreign Language Classes
- Low Power Microwaves
- Van Life
- More Free Things, Please
- The Fall Tease
- Mango
- Custom Tools
- Constant Upselling

Hola, me llamo person that took 4 years of Spanish in high school-o. Sorry, that's all I got. I'd probably have been better off learning from Taco Bell commercials. Live mas? I'd like to live mucho mas, but I can't balance my checkbook. What yo would really quiero is someone to teach me about taxes and things i'll actually use instead of four years wasted on seeming cultured.

If you're so strapped for cash that you can't invest in a microwave that spits out at least 1000 watts of power, you really need to rethink your life. Hell, you'd probably get to work earlier if you had, that frozen breakfast bowl would only take a minute and a half instead of six minutes and still be cold in the middle.

Remember in history when we thought that living out of your car was a cool thing that cool people did? No? Hmmmm. Then why do these people with enough money to live a comfortable normal life want to live out of a van just so they can upload a picture of a lake to Instagram every other weekend? Small spaces suck, and unless you're a clean freak, it's won't be so hot come week 5 when you can't find a laundromat that takes Bitcoin.

Imagine the audacity of someone to walk into a McDonalds and demand a free Big Mac because their friend got a free Whopper last year sometime. That's what people who play F2P games that complain about not getting even more free things sound.

The Summer knows its time is over. But like a bad tenant, he's trying every loophole he can to hold on to that sweet rental space. And just as Fall gets his foot in the door, the government passes another eviction moratorium on Seasons. Get the hell out of there, ya bum!

Big Mango is up to something I tell ya. It's everywhere now. Did they find a landfill's worth and can't sell them? Was there a science breakthrough on "natural Mango flavor"? Just like "strawberry kiwi" before it, the powers that be are cramming this fruit into EVERYTHING. But the biggest offender? Mango salsa. I want fruit in my salsa as much as I want a barbed knife in my eye.

Hex, torx, triangle bit, spanner, spline, hell I think there's a screw bit that is a miniaturized portrait of the Mona Lisa, but they all got to go. We don't need your custom screw head for "security reasons", we need it to be a standard head so we can fix it.

There must be people that just subscribe to every premium service out there to shut up the ads about signing up for it that they absolutely bombard free users with. Pop ups, emails, texts, just nonstop begging for your money. Well, they aint gonna get it. Out of spite. I'll be the last to convert.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 252 - More Beer!

Check out the Video Episode!

It's Fall now. I don't care what you say. We had the sneak preview, and now it's here, so chug a bunch of Claritin and get your carving kit out because some horny teens just moved in next door and you've got to stop them. While you're carefully hanging up the dead bodies in order to scare the virgin last girl, think about what went wrong in your life that got you here. Was it being drowned in a lake for being ugly? Was it dying in a fiery blaze because you like to touch kids? Or maybe because you're a magical midget that likes mayhem? Perhaps it was even one of these:

- True Crime Internet Detectives
- Not Enough Beer
- The Man Behind The Wizard
- Third Party Support Sites

Every now and then a 'girl next door' young blonde woman from Ohio pisses her boyfriend off enough or catches the attention of a crazed lunatic and for weeks all the news can talk about is the search for her. And with the rise of the internet, some people have started to take on the case themselves! Searching through social media and making a timeline of her movements in the lamest form of vigilante justice possible. Do they ever find the guy and go beat his ass? No. They find the wrong guy and get him arrested at work. But you know who could actually find all these missing white women? Batman. Not himself of course, I'm sure if Batman was real, he'd just have the Batcomputer solving all these cases in a minimized tab while he trolls through the local orphanage for his next Robin.

Outdoor festivals, what are they? They're cordoned off public areas that it's okay to get drunk in! Do you think its okay to run out of beer at one of these 2/3rd of the way through the day? What if you went to Six Flags and they stopped half the rides at 2 PM? You'd be pissed! Are there a dozen other things to do or see there? Yeah, but we all know what you're there for. What if all the rides were at the very back of the park and not spread throughout? That's just more poor planning. And it's not like this is the first time! You'd think they could fix this and make it better and more efficient year after year, but what do I know.

When you create a character or persona, it's important not to break the illusion. It's why when you go see a play and Hamlet stabs someone he doesn't stop, turn to the audience and say "Don't worry folks, I didn't really stab him, we're actors and this sword is a fake!" It's why kids cry when the guy in the Mickey Mouse costume pulls off his giant head. They don't care about the park employee, they want pure, unadulterated Mouse. Similarly, I don't need to know that you're depressed, or you want me to donate to a GoFundMe for your sick cousin, or even that you're on vacation so you won't be active for the next 2 weeks. You post dumb fake movie quotes, you're not a public servant.

You know that feeling you get when you go to a restaurant and the service is above and beyond your expectations? Or when the guy at the store you're at actually cares about what he sells and can give you great advice? That's great customer service. Unfortunately it's the 0.01% of all customer service experiences. More and more companies are moving support to third party services that handle 150 other companies already with a phone farm in Mumbai. "Josh" from SupportCo doesn't know and doesn't care about your very specific use case of a very expensive piece of equipment, he just wants his $1.25 an hour.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT.