It’s that time again folks. It’s 7 in the morning, you’ve got a bottle of Sunny D, some freshly toasted Eggos, and a copy of Banjo-Kazooie. You’re gonna get that last Jiggy in Clanker’s Cavern even if it takes all day. So blow on that cartridge and get to collecting these issues:
-The Socratic Method
It’s bad enough that your thing breaks, but then you’ve got to call the repair shop, set up an appointment to have a guy come out and fix it, and then take the day off of work to wait for him, and chances are he’ll come by an hour before you would’ve got off work anyways. How about instead, you give me an exact time down to the minute, and I’ll have a damn sandwich and a glass of ice cold lemonade for you.
How weird is it that Cupid shoots you with an arrow to make you fall in love? Have you ever been shot with an arrow? It sucks. At least a bullet could go all the way through, and don't get me started on splinters. Also, dude must have mad crazy aim. Hitting a moving target while flying? Whew. Tab, this is where I'd put in a joke about taking an arrow to the knee but Skyrim sucks.
Speaking of shooting while moving, I'd like them to add an Urban Olympics alongside the summer and winter ones. I'd like events like parkour and street racing. Hotwire a car then drive it 10 miles and blow it up. Doesn't that sound better than dancing on ice? Or ridng a piece of fiberglass down half a tunnel? Maybe they could have a John Woo-off, who can hit the most targets while jumping on to tables with two pistols while doves are flying everywhere.
Here's what I know about Socrates. 1. It's not pronounced So-Crates. 2. He liked little boys. I now know enough to teach a class about him. All I have to do is ask the students questions about him and they'll figure it out themselves. BOOM, I'm tenured and can go drink myself into a Jeep diving off the Grand Canyon.
As always, we listen to your voicemails, see who won the vote from last week, and reveal the list of movies you can vote on for next month's commentary. Join the Discord, for some hot Tom Hand on Tom Hanks action.