OKAY LOOK, I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN, BUT THIS EPISODE OF HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET IS COMING IN HOT! IF I DONT KEEP THIS BABY UNDER 70 MILES AN HOUR IT'S GONNA BLOW US ALL TO HELL. GET OUTTA THE WAY! HERE'S THIS WEEK'S ISSUES!
* Funko Pops
* The Useless Things Taught in Schools
Funko Pop? More like Funko Poop. I hear if you look into a bathroom mirror while holding one and say “Wow, look at me I’m so nerdy” three times, Will Wheaton will show up with a bottle of Jack, a tube of KY Jelly, a gaudy sweater, and a pair of removable handles for your shower and take you to Poundsville. After you’re done you can look at your shelf of soulless, mass produced vinyl figures and wonder how you’re life got so off course.
Birthdays? More like Worst-days. Great when you’re a kid, but once you hit 16 or so, all the magic is gone and either no one cares, or everyone cares but you don’t. People gift you stuff you don’t really need or want because by then you can just buy things you want. But then a big gift feels like too much, and you’re stuck in this birthday hell that society has conditioned us to care about.
Summer? More like Bummer. The sun can go jump off a cliff, please. The heat is too much. You get sweaty and sticky and stinky and you can’t do anything about it. At least in winter you can bundle up, add some layers. Can’t rip off my skin in summer. No one actually likes summer. In fact, everything people like about summer are just ways to beat the heat. Ice cream trucks, pools, etc. It needs to top out at 80 degrees. Any hotter should be reserved for barren hells capes like Australia.
Remember quicksand? How it was a constant threat? That giant pools of quicksand would just appear, dragging you down? Luckily we were taught how to survive them. The trick to it is to write the quicksand a check from your nicely balanced checkbook. If that fails, you can show it your sweet typing skills and your flowery cursive writing. Then when you’re safe you can hop on your dragon and fly away, using your safe dragon flying skills from Dragon Flying class.