Episode 58 - Hack Your Life
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It's a few days into 2018 and your resolutions have gone up in flames already! Don't worry, because we here at HWIDG have our own resolutions, some involving you, and some involving illegally sourced Liger meat. Come with us into this meat locker, we promise it won't hurt. As you slowly freeze to death, we'll tell you all about our issues with:
- Life Hacks
- Not Committing to Film
- Weird Sleeping Habits
- Mansplaining
As we stroll down the aisle of the Internet, plucking various items from the shelves, we tend to stick to what we like. What we know and love. Occasionally, you'll find something new and shiny and pluck it out on a whim. Sometimes you love the fresh ingredients and slick packaging, and sometimes it's just bland. Either way, your trips tend to stay the same every time you visit. That is, until you hit the "As Seen On TV" aisle of the internet: Life Hacks. That's right, you really do need this dumb pillow or some gadget that magnetizes the fat out of your food (this is real, folks). the same way you need a knife to the leg, or some hot Life Hacks. How do people live without hacking their lives?! How do they fold their fitted sheets?! Well, we'll tell you, all for the low, low price of $24.99 (not including shipping & handling), or, we'll tell you twice for only $39.99. What a bargain!
Speaking of bargains, we all know that phones are expensive these days, and forget about buying a standalone camera, you'll go broke! So, we were all relieved in 2003 when they finally figured out that video sensors could be produced at a fraction of the cost by adjusting them so that they sense the point of climax in a recording, then send 50,000 volts into your body, causing a spasm that lasts until you stop recording. And we've lived our lives that way ever since. Long gone are the days of having to see those awful car accidents or skaters falling face first into concrete. Praise be to that discovery from 109 years ago, and praise be to the Priests and the Solar Federation.
Does anybody know why "Zzz" was chosen to represent snoring? I propose we move to "HCJGKKKK", but then what do I know? I'll tell what I know, I know that people sleep weirdly. Sleepwalkers, sleeptalkers, and sleepjugglers exist everywhere, yet no one does anything about it. We need mandatory bed straps not unlike those in asylums, so that no one can get out of bed until they're good and ready. Mark my words, one of these days we'll get a sleepmurderer and the government will outlaw sleep for everyone, and then you'll wish you did something. Find those that you love and install those straps for them, I promise you they'll thank you when the time comes.
Life is about many things to many people. Unfortunately, for too many people the acquisition of knowledge doesn't rank too high on that list and that needs to change. Learn things, not just from books, but from people. Yes, people can be assholes and assume you don't know as much as you do and explain to you something you already know. Tell them this. 9.999 times out of 10, they aren't Manplaining. This is what social media has done to us. It divides us up into "us vs. them" groups and from then on every little interaction is pre-primed to be on a tipping point. It's all perceived slights. Welcome to 2018 folks! We know you've all been busy telling your relatives all about us, and we're happy to have them! Just promise us they won't call in about sports. Join the Discord.
