Episode 102 - Blind

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By day, he's a mild-mannered lighting designer, but by night, he fights crime as The Blind Rage! Blinded in a freak theater catwalk accident, Tab struggles to adapt to his new life as a hideous monster, almost inhuman. One night, he comes across a mugging in an alley. Something inside him flares up, his rage now giving him a form of almost-sight. Hiding his hideous face, he swiftly apprehends the mugger, giving birth to his alter ego! Now, he watches over his city, protecting it from threats like:

* Too Good to Be True
* Breaking the Voting Wall
* Charity
* Unwanted Mosh Pits

Chances are, if something sounds too good to be true, it is. That's just the way the world works. Even if everything works out with whatever it may be, something else will certainly come along and mar it. There are always strings attached, but they're usually hidden very well. And all this is worse than just some other poor occurrence, because it tags along. Example: a piece of poop on your carpet. It stinks, but you've got to buck up and deal with it the best you can. Then on the other hand, you're given a delicious slice of cake. You bite in, only to discover that it's poo flavored. See?

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote or die because every vote counts. Maybe it would somewhere where everyone voted. Somewhere with more than two parties in power. But that's not here. Sure, there are swing states that flip between parties every few years. There your vote might count. But if you're a republican in California or New York? Good luck. Democrat in Alabama or Mississippi? Why bother? You really thought the Blue Wave could topple fifty plus straight years of Republican rule in a midterm election? Please. Each side will try to gain power every 6 to 8 years, and then it'll flip, repeat ad nauseum.

Let's talk about charity. That's right, it's the time of year for giving. Giving your money to CEOs and hoping they'll trickle down just a lil bit of it to sick kids, epileptic dogs, or whatever is the new hotness. Operating cost is the real charity. If you take 80 percent of the millions and millions of dollars people donate to you for cancer research and *don't* spend it on cancer research, you're not a charity. You're just a business. Regular businesses give to charity to write off some taxes every year anyways. Are those then charities? What percentage of your income needs to go to some good cause in order for you to be a charity?  I say a bit more than 20 percent.

This week's forecast is grim. We've got a rogue mosh pit coming in from the south east at around 20 slams per hour. Now, there's a chance it could pick up speed due to the lack of security this year, and if that happens we could see it turn into a wall of death, and none of us want that, you remember the one that hit us in '04? So I urge all of you to stay away of it's path, even on the outskirts it can be real bothersome. There could be beer showers, strong winds, high speed debris, and even more. Of course I'm a weatherman, so take anything I take with a grain of salt.

Plus, voicemails, news and much more on this week's episode with in-studio guest, musician Ethan Cantrell! As always check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 101 - Dingle Dangle My Dongle

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Halloween is over. But the frights aren’t. It’s November 1st 2019, the deadliest day in America. Millions flock to stores, shoving and trampling one another for the chance to get the ultimate prize: discount candy. In light of the carnage, a new law is passed. From 7 AM to Midnight of November 1st, citizens of the United States are allowed to gather and horde as much discount Halloween candy as they please, and are able to defend it at any cost. That five pound bag of Swedish Fish is *mine* and I will gut anyone that tries to take it. This Fall, get ready for The Purge: Sweet Tooth. Starring:
* Controllers
* Discord
* No Dark Mode
* Dongles

The home gaming system. Small, light, easy to use. Plug it in and get playing. The 80’s set the standard for games to come. Then the 90’s roll around. Still increasingly popular, but games become more complex, so they add more buttons. In some cases even those were not enough. In Batman Forever for SNES, the much needed grappling hook is placed on the SELECT button. Then we enter the 3D era, cameras become an integral part of games. We try a stick and four buttons, then two sticks. Success! Except… games become more and more complex. More than we ever thought possible. Yet, fundamentally the PS4’s controller is the same as back in 1997. 20 years of stagnancy, while games become more and more involved. We’re holding triggers and using radial menus. We’re using the d-pad to do eight different things between holds and taps. But there’s one kind of gamer that’s been comfortable all these years. The keyboard warrior. Ultimate customization, more buttons than ARMA can throw a stick at.

Discord, oh Discord. When I first booted you up, it was a godsend. Steam Groups were terrible. No logs, constant disconnections that they wouldn’t notify you of, general jankness everywhere. Your cute loading screen phrases were L33T $P3/\K, but ignorable. You were Slack for gaming buddies. You upgraded servers, introduced more options, things were great. Then, you realized you couldn’t grow and stay free. So you introduced a subscription service with extras. No one cared. Yet, still you grew. You had to do something. And you chose the one thing no one wanted. No one wants ANOTHER platform for their games. You had it, man. You had made IRC obsolete, you forced Steam to upgrade their chat system. YOU FORCED STEAM TO DO SOMETHING. Almost unheard of. You could have made the best communication app there was, but you got greedy. And now you’re going down the drain.

As I sit here and type these write ups every week, my life is slowly wasting away. I mean, everyone’s is, but what is a life without eyesight? Why is my eyesight dwindling? The lack of Dark Modes. I spend a lot of time writing in Evernote. It’s free and syncs across all my devices. You think, since it’s been around for years, they’d get around to implementing a dark mode, but nope. It’s been the most requested feature since 2012, but screw your users, right? Even worse, the widget for it on my phone? 2 separate dark modes to choose from, just on the widget though. The desktop app? It’s main menu is in dark mode, but none of the rest of it is. I use F.lux’s dark room mode once the migraine starts to hit. I use a dark mode extension on chrome for websites. I’ve learned to look at color-inverted photos and imagine what they actually look like. It’s almost a fun game, but I’m doing it not to be literally stabbing my eyes out.

Dongle. It’s a funny word for sure. Say it in any way other than frustration at work, and you’ve got a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands. The masses want sleek and sexy. Thinner and thinner devices! Until it gets in their way. Our USB ports are smaller and thinner, our power adapter ports are circles no more! An SD card reader is too thick. LET ME REPEAT THAT. AN SD CARD IS NOW TOO THICK FOR MODERN LAPTOPS. All this means dongles. Dongles everywhere. More dongles than an Instagram thot’s DMs. Eventually we’re going to have to carry around a giant key ring like a school janitor, but with dongles instead. Because ports aren’t sexy enough.

And more on this week’s episode of the podcast! Including: your voicemails, your late voicemails, and a rundown of December’s Battle Royale Movie Voting. As always thanks for those that support us on PATREON and chat with us in DISCORD, and if that’s not you, consider joining us! 

Episode 100 - Syndication!

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Coming this fall to FOX, it's Here's What I Don't Get, the sitcom! Tim and Tab are two regular guys, but when their podcast hits the big-time, wacky hijinks are bound to happen! Complete with unnecessary fake studio audience, wacky neighbors, and cameo guest spots from other sitcoms! And best of all, because it's FOX, it's guaranteed to be an internet darling but not get many views because the premise is interesting, but not that interesting to the mass public, so we guarantee only one season! Watch as they stumble through life, dealing with:

* Resellers
* Drunk Old Heads
* Online Garage Sales
* Forced Stealth Sections

Artificial scarcity leads to scalpers and resellers. People that take product out of the hands of people that actually want it, just to make a quick buck. Literally taking candy out of babies' mouths. Gaming the system so you can't game on your system. Lego, limited edition games and systems, CHILDREN'S TOYS, grown men buying them up to sell at 3 times the price to hard working parents just wanting to make their kids happy. Yay capitalism.

Hey man, I was there in 93 when their demo came out. I saw their first show in Abilene when they had to play each song twice just to have a full set. Have I listened to anything after the second album? No, they sold out mannnnnnn. They lost their edge once they got more fans. They're playing in town tonight? Cool, I'm gonna go, get absolutely plastered until they play the one I know, then I'll violently shove my way up to the front and spill beer all over your new merch, because I WAS THERE MAN!

Craigslist! The go to place for poorly kept cars, free curbside furniture, and dudes that want to take pictures of your feet stepping on a cake. Also home to listings up days after the item's been sold, sellers that don't answer questions, and buyers that flake on you or want you to go well out of your way for an item worth less than the gas money. eBay is just as bad, it's basically just a storefront these days, everything is buy it now or you can bid until the price surpasses the buy it now price. Wanna sell something there? Good luck, chances are the buyer will get it then file a claim they didn't, and you'll be forced to give them their money back because eBay always sides with the buyer.

Stealth, when it's part of your kit, it can be one of the most satisfying parts of a game. When it's forced on you? The most frustrating. Whether it's instant death turrets, invulnerable demon knights, or making you play as a weaker character with none of your main character's awesome arsenal, forcing it on you always feels bad. It takes that sense of control away from you, and at that point it might as well be a cutscene.

And more, all on this special episode of HWIDG! Voicemails! News! Movie commentary announcement! Everything kept 💯! Here's to another 100 episodes! As always, you can join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON.  

Episode 99 - Not Canon

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The multiverse. Universes layered on top of each other, singing in different frequencies, never coming in contact. The hero of Earth Prime, The Rage Machine, protects his section of his universe, unaware of the vast tapestry of worlds that lies around him. But one day, a rift in space opens above his hometown. Out comes The Handlebreaker. A villainous destroyer of Earths throughout the multiverse. When The Rage Machine arrives to investigate, he learns of the diabolical plans, the concept of parallel Universes, and...... love? Yes, when these two rivals in every other sense get together, nothing can stop the inevitable. Their children will rule the multiverse and be named:

Diet Food
Getting Lost
Picking Scabs (Warning: this one gets gross)
Fanfiction

Diet versions of food and drink. Either they're indistinguishable and therefore still not healthy, or they don't taste like the original at all and therefore are healthy but terrible. They're made for weak people that can't live without their soda and cookies. And usually they eat/drink the amount of the diet product needed to surpass the calories of the original! If all we had we're diet foods, we'd be exactly the same, and we'd have diet diet foods.

Getting lost in life stinks. The days blur together, you think you have no one to talk to, and you bottle up everything inside. At least for guys that's how it is. Societally we can't show weakness, we can't ask for help, god forbid we see a professional about it. And I don't wanna sound like an antidepressant infomercial, but you can! You can do all those things, and if anyone around you says otherwise, they're not worth your time. 

Why do we pick at our cuts, poke at our bruises, scratch at our bug bites? Why is it so fascinating to peel off that big scab? I chalk it up to natural human curiosity. The human body is crazy, and seeing it work for that short time, healing up that wound can be very interesting. We usually don't get to see past the skin.

"Sonic the Hedgehog gets knocked on the head and wakes up on the bridge of the Enterprise-D! He falls in love with Commander Worf, but Lt. Data won't allow it! So Data opens up a rift in time and space and brings mild mannered reporter for the Daily Bugle, Clark Kent to help stop the blue menace." - The Blue Blur Meets the Blue and Red Blur, Chapter 1/8,235. 4.2 Stars. Now a major motion picture!

And your voicemails, and news, and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary, which of course is being recorded this month, so if you wanted a Thanksgiving movie you should have suggested next month. November's commentary will be on a Halloween horror movie, it's very simple people, what don't you get! Support the show on PATREON or join the DISCORD for more fun!

Episode 98 - 4K 360 3D Jellyfish

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Here we see the podcast known as Hereswhatidontgetasaurus. It walked the Earth around 40 million years ago and was the apex predator of its time. The horns on its head were used to spear prey that walked too slow in front of it. Unfortunately, the Hereswhatidontgetasaurus was driven into extinction by it's own self. They were prone to fits of rage that frequently ended with it charging off of cliffs or into bodies of water. Some of it's common prey included:

Break Ups
Phone VR
The End of the World
The Restart Dilemma

Grab a pint or two of Chunky Monkey and turn up the Adele, cause it's time to cry your eyes out over what was and what could have been. Drink the sorrows away, but be weary or else you'll wind up leaving 17 drunk voicemails. But, once you've sobered up, it's a new day and It's time to get back on that horse, bucko. Hit up Tinder or Grindr and pound your sadness away. Maybe try some new stuff out! You never know, you just might end up really liking the buzz that the car battery adds to those nipple clamps.

Virtual Reality! It's been the future of interactive technology for more than 30 years! But now, it's at its most advanced and most popular! It's never been better! You can even take your phone and a 6 dollar cardboard set and dip your toes into the VR world. But don't. Phone VR sucks. You can buy the best phone with the best screen, the best headset, but by that point you've spent enough to buy the top of the line full VR headset, with special made controllers and everything! Phone VR, if you can get it to work, is at best a 5 dollar county fair attraction.

Forget the Mayans, 2018 Twitter is the best predictor of the Apocalypse. The problem? It's every day. Funny enough, the days come and go, and yet, no Apocalypse. And believe me, I've ingested a LOT of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic media. And it's not a one sided problem. Every time each side takes a modicum of power or control, the crazies come out. Remember the militias that were ready to overthrow the government in 2016? Yeah, me either.

You start reading a book, you're a couple chapters in, but then a new season of Ghost Hunters starts up and you forget. Then you get addicted to the new battle royale game, and that takes up all your time. A year and a half later, you get the itch to pick it up again. What do you do? Do you start from the beginning? Or do you pick up right where you left off, piecing together your memories of it like Jason Bourne? What if you weren't a couple chapters in, what if it was more like 3/4ths and it's 1200 pages long?

All this and more on this week's episode. Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary. And as always, you can join us at DISCORD, and support the show on PATREON.

Episode 97 - The Oil Man (feat. Allan from Not For Human Consumption)

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1458 A.D. China. The warlords of Peking are locked in battle as they have been for the last three years. The spoils being fought for? A book. A tome containing the secrets of the legendary fighting style known as Here’s What I Don’t Get. To the North, the Empire of Tab and its ferocious warriors with their ‘rage’ style. To the South, General Tim and his crew of soldiers that he purposefully starves until they reach their breaking point, to harness the ‘Handlebreaker’ energy. For the last three years they have gone back and forth, trading victories, until now. A third party arrives. A pirate crew, led by Captain Allan from the distant land of Not For Human Consumption have their eyes on the mythical book. And they will do anything to get their hands on it, including:

* Bad Scheduling
* Beer Shaming
* Spoofing

Employees are not cogs in a machine. Yet time and time again, it seems that everyone has horror stories about getting screwed over by their work schedule. Being made to work extra late, then back the next day at 8 AM sharp with nothing to do. Planning a day off, then getting a call “strongly suggesting” you cover someone’s shift. Why does this happen? I’ll tell you why. Revenge. The same people that plan your schedule and then mess it up have been wronged. Severely. They’ve gone through the worst schedules you can think of, and they have nothing in their life worth living for other than your misery. Or they’re just d-holes. What’s a manly man’s drink? It’s not whiskey, or rye, or a craft microbrew. It’s whatever he’s holding in his hand. Unless you have some mutant superpower to taste every single molecule that comes across your tongue, for the most part, the varieties of alcohol all taste the same. They’re just there to get you drunk anyways, who cares what it is. If someone likes their drinks to actually taste good, let them drink that rainbow of liqueurs. If someone just wants to get drunk on the cheap, that Natty Light is gonna get the job done, no fruit peels or decanters needed. Just drink what you have and shut up.

95% of the average person’s calls these days are telemarketers. Telemarketers with spoofed numbers. And that can cause all kinds of problems. Calls to you from people that called by your number, or telemarketers that immediately flip on the racism switch and call you the n-word dozens of times because you had the audacity to call them a bad person. Tab knows what to do with these people, and its a lot like what happens to the guy in Metallica’s One video. It’s quite terrible, and he knows it, but are they deserving of it? Probably. IF you’ve got any torture suggestions feel free to call in and leave us a voicemail! That and more on this special episode. Check out this month’s movie commentary if you haven’t yet, and suggest something for next month’s commentary too! Join us at DISCORD, or support us on PATREON.

Episode 96 - Mail Order Brides

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WOOF WOOF! That's right it's the HWIDG Party Bus here to take you downtown, uptown, and all around, and that's before we start driving heyo! Ground rules, folks, number one: no kegstands. That's a legal thing, too many concussions. Number two: if you brought some "shnacks" you gotta share. Otherwise, big man Tito in back is your hookup. Number three: no, the bus driver is not a party poopers for not doing shots. Think, people. Numbers four through seven, don't do any of these:
* Taking Your Dogs Places
* Forever, Episode 6 - "Andre and Sarah"
* Google's Listening/Hostage Strategy
* Phone Call Run Arounds

Places to take your dogs: your house, the park, the vet. Unless you have a geniune need to bring your trained support dog with you, odds are you're just making everyone else miserable. They're probably a yapper. They're gonna fight/hump the other idiot dogs there, because it's never just one! It's some weird groupthink where people bring their dogs on planes, to concerts, and anywhere else they don't belong.

You ever been reading a book and then 3/4 through it turns into a sculpture of someone not even in the book? No, because that would be incredibly stupid. Let's just stop in the middle of the height of action for 1/8th of the story, introduce you to 2 new characters, and not apply our medium efficiently. Does that sound fun? If it does you can go to hell.

(If you're reading this in your head, speak the rest of the paragraph out loud.) I love Dane Cook, the comedian. I wish I knew if he was coming to town. You know who I also love? Dame Judi Dench! She's such a great actress. I love her in James Bond movies. Also, Robin Williams in Aladdin and Flubber and Jumanji. (Repeat daily, check YouTube suggestions for related videos.)

Make a phone call, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, explain the problem. Get transferred, give them your info, answer a security question, explain the problem AGAIN. Get transferred, raise your voice, argue with the person about if you raised your voice or not. Call them scam artists, get your phone service cancelled. Congrats, no more need to call them!

All this and more on this episode of the podcast. Find out what movie won this month's battle, and who's getting big brother'd by Google. Join us in our DISCORD hangout, or maybe find loads of bonus content on our PATREON!

Episode 95 - The Shane Black Awards

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One elite squad of soldiers. One deadly jungle. One suicide mission. One alien stalker. This fall be the first to see Hereswhatidontgetator. Action. Drama. Comedy. No kids. This movie has it all! Join legendary action hero Harold Schwartzenheimer as Tab "Butch" Birt sent with his squad on the mission of a lifetime. But his shady CIA buddy Handlebreaker comes along and has other plans for Butch and his crew. Then it all goes to hell as a bright red lobster alien starts picking them off one by one. Also starring:

-80s Reboots/Revivals
-The 5G Push
-Not Adapting
-Incomplete News

80s reboots. Who are they for? They're not for the old fans, I'll tell you that. Thats what the revivals are for. The same cast 30 years later? Wouldn’t that be so interesting? No. It really wouldn’t. So, the reboots? Who are they for? Well, they’re for the person that has heard the name of the show in passing, but didn’t really watch it when it was on. Because, none of these reboots understand what made the originals good (or at least made them what they were). It’s all studio driven. It’s not a writer who is a devoted fan of the property and wants to put their spin on it. No, it’s the studio’s idea, they hire a “good” writer whether or not they understand the IP, and the hire a show runner and producers and all that all based on their previous works and resume. AND THEY ALL END UP AS PROCEDURAL COP SHOWS ANYWAYS. There are things about your phone that you know that the general public should not know. You know what 3G, 4G and LTE are? You know what Gorilla Glass is? Well you shouldn’t. But every now and then they pluck something out of phone technology and give it a fancy name and market it to you. To prove the rising costs are worth it. 3G comes out, changes the game. 4G comes out, it’s faster yay! LTE comes out, “what is it?” “We’ll just call it data, how bout that”. LTE was how it should’ve been all along, increase speeds and open up bandwidth as you can incrementally. Don’t tell the public, they don’t care unless “faster”. Of course now 5G is muscling its way in, even though LTE was supposed to last us. And in a few years, we’ll have 6G. I bet my left nut on it.

Improvise. Adapt. Overcome. Thank you Bear Grylls meme. Now can we get that picture hanging in every room in every building in every city in the world? Change is hard, it’s tough. But your life is going to be a confusing and disappointing Shane Black-esque mess if you don’t adapt. Someone cancels on you? Adapt. Stay in, order a pizza and play some games. Find out your friend is a flat-earther? Adapt. Adapt your fist to their face. Car won’t start on your way to work? Adapt. Call an Uber. Get in the Uber. Make them drive to some secluded lot. Kill them. Assume their identity. Ta-da you have a new car and a new job. You go, girl! Is meteorology an actual science? Can it be classified as one? I honestly don’t know, because sometimes I’d be better off getting my weather from the Miss Cleo hotline. What do the Jamaican voodoo magics say about rain tomorrow? Dey say “don’t listen to dem bumbaclot news anchors, day only want ya TV views”. And they would be absolutely right. The 24/7 news cycle has driven “BREAKING” news to the forefront, turning it into what is basically posting “First!” on the internet. No substance. A selfish drive to be “first on the scene”. Hey, how ‘bout you be “good at your job” instead. All this plus more on this alien hunter filled episode. Seriously. There’s a lot of it. Don’t forget to vote for next month’s commentary! Join us at DISCORD, or maybe support us over at PATREON.

Episode 94 - Steak Lies

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Welcome grasshoppers, to Sensei Hereswhatidontget's Rage Dojo. Here you will learn channel your inner anger and fears into weapons. Weapons with which you will attack and take down that which stands in your way! For your first lesson, you will learn and begin to master the first four forms:

* Terrestrial Radio
* Choice Paralysis
* Ceremonies
* Daytime TV

Lesson one: radio. Your mind and body must be like the radio. Your body will get stronger, but only by repetition, practicing the same set of moves over and over, much like the 10 song loop every station decides on. You mind must be able to predict an opponent's move. Not just one move in advance, but many and many moves in advance, before your enemy themselves know what they will do. Be like the radio, playing Christmas songs during summer.

Lesson two: paralysis. You will memorize this map of the human body and its pressure points. These vital spots are the most vulnerable points shared across all human bodies. A direct hit to any point can cause instant paralysis or worse. Like when you're browsing Netflix or Hulu and you're trying to find something to watch, but you can't decide on anything so you just browse and browse until, surprise, you're out of time to even watch anything.

Lesson three: ceremony. Tea. 3 cups a day. Meditation. 2 hours every day. EVERY. It may seem arbitrary or asinine. But, ceremony is important for the mind. It keeps it sharp like a blade. Without it you might find yourself annoyed at a graduation, having strange thoughts at a funeral, or even forgetting something that happened just seven episodes ago.

Lesson four: daytime television. Surprising as it may seem, this antiquated programming carries all you need to know to be a great warrior. Your motions smooth, like the camera of a soap opera. Your choices wise, like selecting Door Number Two with the car. Your decisions swift and just, like the decisions handed down from Sensei Judy. Your feet fleeting, like the crackheads on COPS. But the most important of all, be not the father, like the dirtbags on Maury.

That ends our lessons for today. If you would like some refreshments help yourself to some voicemails or the movie commentary list. Please bring your friends next week, remember classes are free, but PATREON donations are accepted. And sign up for the mailing list at DISCORD! 

Episode 93 - Jacked Sam Neil

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Hey-a! Welcome to Authentic San Hereswhatidontgets! De only place in town to get an authentic New York slice! The crust? Burnt. The sauce? Canned. The Cheese? Fuggedaboutit! It's only made from the freshest curd of the most freshest milk we could find. Your mother's! You get two choices. A plain pie. Or pepperoni. And we make that in-house! Dey call dat artisinal! Ain't no pork or beef in it. No, we use what the city gives us. That's right we use the most plentiful meat around. Good 'ol New York Strip straight from Master Splinter hisself. And if you whine enough we might throw one of these on there too:
Autoplay Ads
The Mail
Leaving the Ecosystem
Working Holidays Ads.

They're everywhere. We flew right past They Live and straight into marketing heaven. Unfortunately, if you want your free services to stay free, you've got to deal with them. You put an unobtrusive static banner ad from a reputable source at the top and bottom of your page? You got yourself a deal. I can live with that. But when you use ads from these places that throw their revenue right back into ads that bypass being blocked and hijack PCs and phones with ransomware? Buddy, I came here to block ads and chew bubblegum. And I'm all out of bubblegum.

Before the 1990's I guess the mail system seemed like crazy future technology. You mean I can write someone a letter and they'll get it in just a few days? I can send in an order from a catalog and it'll be here in only 6-8 weeks? Oh boy! Well, the future is NOW, OLD MAN and the future rocks because everything is near instant, or at least click and forget. No need for the weird quasi-governmental structure that these days deals out more coupons and spam than hand-written letters and heartfelt presents. Maybe the dogs have been right all along.

Ease of use, integration, things you didn't even know you needed! That's how they getcha. Google, Apple, and more are drug kingpins and the first hit is free. They get you hooked to their own personal blend, and have you begging for more even as they water it down. Next thing you know you're lying in the back of a squad car with some guy's baby batter dried to your shirt, ready to squeal on your boy Ricardo just to get by on probation. Now you're in WitSec with a new name in some backwoods town. Good going, Tim.

Holidays! A time to relax with some good food and spend time with family. Take the dog for a walk, spend all day cooking, watch a good movie, don't even think about work. Hell, work's not even open today! Wait, it is? And there's doubletime pay? Peace out bitches, save me a plate. It's the day we spend honoring those who brought us weekly working hour limits? Let's toast to that by making hella scrilla. Who'dathunk it, turns out holiday pay is the best part of the holidays! All this plus more on this week's episode! Voicemails! News! Movies! Shoddily constructed American-made products! We've got it all! And if you're dying for even more, become a PATRON or join us at our DISCORD!

Episode 92 - BOOMSHAKALAKA

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Howdy folks and welcome to the 26th Annual HWIDG High School Talent Show Extravaganza! First, a few announcements. Whoever drives a white Subaru, you left you lights on, don’t get up though, I went ahead and smashed them with a baseball bat for you, okay? Next, is there a Leslie Johnson in the house? Okay. Ms. Johnson, Logan would like to let you know he’s backstage and he made an accident. That’s Logan Johnson. Backstage. Poop in the pants. Okay, lastly, I’d like to say screw all of you, I’d rather be home drinking my aged bourbon, but I’ve got to do it here instead. Here’s your hosts for tonight:

- Madden
- Netflix
- Two Lane Roads
- Wearing Shoes without Socks

Do people buy the new model of their car every year? Trade in their 2017 Honda Civic for a cool $1,000 towards the 2018 one? No, cause that would be stupid. Car technology doesn’t advance that fast. You’re basically paying for the same car again. So why in the world do people do it for Madden? It’s not even fun. EA’s got the exclusive NFL license in perpetuity so they can’t be assed to make it better, and other developers can’t touch the NFL with a ten foot pole. So they make the same game every year, just add a roster update and maybe a slight physics tweak, and make a cool couple million. You want to make some REAL money? Bring back the arcade-y sports games like Street, Jam, and Blitz. They’re more accessible and way more fun to play. You can tell because of big head mode. Any game with Big Head Mode is automatically better.

Look Netflix, you’re popular, I understand. But it’s not cause you’re the prettiest girl at the ball, or the hunky quarterback with a heart of gold. No, you’re the nerdy business school kid that deals Adderall. You got people hooked, and now you’re rich, congratulations. But guess what, you’re not bettering yourself. You keep dyeing your hair thinking it’ll make you cool, but no one cares. You keep changing your formula and pissing people off. But they need you. They keep coming back. So you don’t care. But you better start. Because your suppliers are getting wind of your attitude. And they seem to be cutting ties.

Any method of transportation that requires you to merge into oncoming traffic to pass the person in front of you, is poorly thought out. Just because Old Man Jenkins wouldn’t sell off the 30 feet of his farm next to the road, I’ve got to play chicken and my odds aren’t great. Even then, two lanes each way is almost equally infuriating. It’s like walking down the sidewalk, and there’s a couple in front of you, walking slowly holding hands, taking up as much space as possible. They deserve a push into traffic, just like those cars deserve an action movie scene. The villain is driving a tank down the city street? Oh no! Oh, YES.

Hey, if you’re wearing shoes, wear socks. It’s easy. Ya nasty.

All this and more on this week’s episode. Including voicemails! Which movie won this month’s voting? And even more surprises! Visit the PATREON to support us monetarily, and the DISCORD to support us emotionally. 

Episode 91 - Three Card Monte

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Welcome to HWIDGBurger, home of the Rage Burger, can I take your order? No, we don't have gluten free soda, sir. No, we don't have dairy-free beef either. Our fries are frozen, yes, if you want them fresh here's a potato and a knife. Sir, if you're upset, go to hell please. Otherwise, get out of line, people are waiting to order some delicious:

-Upgrade Downgrades
-Not Taking Care of Your Guys
-Predictive Text
-Hollywood Accounting

New look, same great taste. The lie of the century. They changed it. Otherwise they wouldn't point it out. You take something good, something that works, and you tinker with it and tinker with it until you break it. Thanks a lot iTunes, Netflix, Spotify, or any of you jackholes that think you can increase profit margins by 0.05% by hiding useful settings or going with a minimalistic UI.

Take care of the people that work for you. It's simple. Treat them like humans and not numbers. They'll appreciate it, and even better they'll appreciate YOU. They'll work harder and more dilligently if they know you won't screw them over. If they can't separate you from "corporate", you done goofed. You don't have to give them a handy every day, just tickle the sack a lil bit, you know. Show them you care.

Predicted Tex. It's not like we have a lot of time to make a decision. I will get the money for the ticket and the kids will be there. Why doesn't this make sense? Predicted Tex-Mex. Text. Dammit. It makes dumb people seem smarter than they are and makes smart people seem like iPhone users.

Hollywood! A den of thieves and well-off trust fund kids with monthly subscriptions to RapeBox, the only monthly subscription box full of GHB and Rohypnol. But, it's their accountants that really screw over the people of the city. Playing with the money from multi-billion dollar companies like a 5 year old in a sandbox. Burying something over here, building a hole over here to shovel in sand from other areas, until all you want to do is shove his face in it.

Plus! Heaps of voicemails, and we find out what makes fish fight! Don't forget to join the Discord and visit the Patreon!

Episode 90 - Sausage and Chocolate

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Hi, there! Today I’m gonna teach you how to make a lovely dish known as HWIDG. It’s from Northern Italy, and when prepared right, it’ll knock your socks off. But first, here’s a five page essay on my life that you’ll have to scroll through to get to the recipe. I’m VERY interesting so I know you’ll want to read it-wait what’s that? You don’t? I’m not interesting and that’s why I run a vegan mommy blog? Well, fine, here’s your dumb recipe:
* Shrinking Men's Sections
* Release Dates
* School Fundraisers
* Wrong Numbers

Men. We know what we want. We go to a store, grab it, and go. Sure, if you need to kill some time you might walk around looking at things absent-mindedly. But chances are, we’ve done the research, we know what we want, and odds are we have a backup plan too if they don’t have the exact thing. Or we’ll go to Amazon. I guess that’s why stores are limiting our options so much. Used to be, we’d have at least a third of the store. It made sense. Men’s, Women’s, and Kids’. Now, we’re lucky to get a closet’s worth. The Men’s section is now in a discount bin at the end of aisle three, good luck. Remember when things came out on a certain day? Me too. Now they’ve changed that day. Movies, Games, what have you, are now released whenever they want. Movies used to come out on a Friday, now, Wednesday night. Music on a Tuesday, but now it’s Friday. I think video games come out at 4:51 AM Sunday mornings. Books only come out on Katilsday anymore, it’s impossible to get a hold of one fresh. Digital releases are even worse, you’ve got to hike there and back 20 miles in the snow to get a one of those.

Remember those days when you’d gather in the Auditorium and the Vice Principal would tell you all about the new school fundraiser? You’d get a cool catalogue of prizes you could win if you sell enough. It’s either meat, cookie dough, chocolate bars, wrapping paper, or coupon books you’re selling and people, you better pray for the non-perishable items cause if you’re buying sausage from a kid, It’ll be grayer then Clint Eastwood’s pubic hair by the time it gets to you. Here’s a secret, the kids don’t care about your damn hot Italian links, they just want that cool looking stereo. How in the world, in this day and age do you dial a wrong number? My theory: old people. Old people, with their failing eyesight, are trying to call their grandson from a terribly scribbled number in their little journal notepad. They can’t see the numbers on the page, and they can’t see the numbers on the phone (smart phones are a whole other level of difficulty) so they end up dialing you, but with 300% confidence that’s it’s little Jimmy. And they do it once every two months. Not enough to bug you, just enough for you to slowly hate anyone with that name. Plus, a look at the movie selections for next month’s commentary, and your voicemails, all while surrounded by loaded firearms! Don’t forget to visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Episode 89 - Crayola Hotline

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Welcome back, you're listening to K96.9 and your Here's What I Don't Get Morning Power Hour, brought to you by Anderson Handle Repair. It's hot, hot, hot out there folks, so stay cool any way you can. You know who was always cool? Robert Stack. And he's coming up in the next hour along with:
- Crowd Screamers
- Unsolved Mysteries
- Battery Lies
- Conspiracy Theories

But first, let's hear from Greg live outside the Rold Gold Event Center. Hi Jim, That's right, I'm reporting live from outside the-WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Wow that's a real loud crowd, anyways, the one and only Jame-YEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHH-tonight. Did you get that? Our mics are picking up some interference from the venue, it's a real packed crow-IWANNAHAVEYOURBABIES. For the love of God, will you people just clap?

Sounds like Greg's having a great time out there. In other news, forensic analysts have finally discovered what they believe to be the identity of the Baltimore Strangler. He eluded police for nearly 10 years until the stranglings mysteriously stopped. Maryland police were baffled how he seemed to break in to homes and leave without a single trace of evidence. Turns out, it was just some guy. Yeah. Just a really careful guy. That liked to strangle some ladies now and then. It's usually just some guy.

Now, before this there were some popular theories going around about who the Baltimore Strangler was. Some of these were about politicians at the time, and others, well, let's just say the people who believed them probably didn't have many teeth. "The Baltimore Strangler was a scorned Bigfoot!" "All the victims were part of a Russian sleeper cell waiting to be activated in the second Cold War!" "It was the gay love child of John Hinckley Jr. and Lee Harvey Oswald! And he strangled them from the grassy knoll!"

Alright folks, time to pay some bills. This hour of our show is brought to you by Battery World! Battery World, where our staff is dumb, but the batteries are dumber. Battery World is hosting a free battery clinic this weekend, at all Battery World stores, to teach you about the warning signs of a lying battery. Is your battery turning off at 25%? Is it staying at a single percentage for more than 12 hours? Does it turn off at 0%, then back on at 75%? Well then you might have a lying battery. Learn more this weekend at Battery World! Battery World!

All this, plus the greatest voicemail yet, on this week’s episode! Become a Patron for even more content than you can shake a stick at, or join the Discord for hot D.B. Cooper on Bigfoot action!

Episode 88 - Bigfoot Erotica

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Hello. Please, calm down. Do not be afraid. I am your Doctor, Dr. Hereswhatidontget. You’ve been in a terrible accident. We had to place you into a comatose state for your body to heal itself. I’m afraid it’s been seven years since then. A lot has changed in the world as you once knew it. Due to rapid advances in medical science we were able to construct you a new body. It should feel just like your old one, but it will take some time to adjust. While you rest, we’ve gathered some books on what has changed while you’ve been sleeping:
- Office Ladies
- Swimming
- Constant Connectivity
- Too Old to Be Out in Public

Party time! WHO HOO! Here’s some cake and cookies. Oh, and some brownies and a couple of pies too. What? You were expecting some actual food? No, just some sweets, a little bit won’t hurt you. See the streamers and the cardboard letters strung up? I’m head of the party planning committee, and those mean it’s party time, so slap a smile on that face! I’d actually much rather be at home with a box of wine, my favorite shower head, and my cats, but what can you do! Since I can’t have that I need the rest of you to have that sugar crash and be miserable like me! One of us. One of us. One of us.

Goggles? Check. Nose plug? Check. Ear Plugs? Check. Arm floaties? Check. Inner tube? Check. Congrats you nerd! You’re ready to swim! He looks like a loser, but damn it if he’s not right. Water in the ears, nose, eyes? All suck. Terribly. Yet people willingly submit themselves to it. No idea why. Why turn a survival tactic into a recreational activity? I’d rather jump out of a plane. Yes. Really.

ARE YOU READY TO UPDATE? YOU NEED TO CONFIRM YOUR EMAIL SO I CAN UPDATE. THE WIFI DROPPED FOR 0.023 SECONDS? I'M FREAKING OUT, MAN! WHAT DO I DO? HOLD ON, STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING! I LOST CONNECTION OH GOD. HELP ME FIND IT! MY MOM’S GONNA KILL ME. IT’S BACK. OKAY. CRISIS AVERTED. NOW IT’S TIME TO UPDATE! DON’T YOU CLICK THAT X. HA! FOOLED YOU, IT DOESN’T DO ANYTHING! YOU’VE GOT TO POSTPONE IT. NO CANCELATIONS BUDDY, YOU’RE STUCK WITH ME.

Why are you driving? You can barely see. You can barely hear. You can barely move. You can barely react to stimuli. ALL THINGS YOU NEED TO BE A COMPETENT DRIVER. Why are you in public? You’re getting your death coughs everywhere. You sound like you’re actually dying. You probably are. Go home. Have someone feed you some jello and get out of my general area. If someone wants to see you, they’ll go to you. Watch your stories and try to enjoy what time you have left alone please.

Plus more on this cryptoerotically charged episode of the podcast! Stop by the Patreon for even more content, and the Discord for our hot Jersey Devil/Skunk Ape slashfics!

Episode 87 - Dinged Cars

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And over here we have our new HWIDG model for 2018. It comes with a turbo boost for extended rage sessions, very nice to have. It seats two comfortably, but you can squeeze a third person on it, go ahead and hop on, try it out. You feel that? Those are heated seats. Now that’s an optional feature, it’ll run you about $500 extra, but I can get it for you for about $475, what a deal! Now, minisodes and do-gets are extra and those go up depending on what you want. Wait! Come back! I didn’t tell you about the free issues!
* Funerals
* Being Offended Online
* Mattress Sales
* 'Passing the Buck' Signs

Funerals. Why they gotta harsh my mellow all the time brah? Why can’t we just have a party, dude? Celebrate their life, maaaan. Don’t get all weepy and Jesus-y on me, old-timer. Cut me some kickin’ tunes, a couple of Tecate Micheladas, and maybe a bonfire or three, broseph. Let’s all load up on a buggy, head out to the coast and shred some gnar-gnar on their behalf, stokemeister! Black is out, Solo Jazz paterns and Stussy shorts are in, bruddah!

If you don’t like something, you don’t have to see it (except for ads). That’s the beauty of the internet! It’s customizable like almost nothing else. So, getting up in arms about someone you don’t like is inexcusable. You have the power to block. You have the power to mute. You have the power to walk away completely. Someone calls you an idiot? Screw you for getting them fired. Don’t be that person. Be Batman. Be the best Batman you can be.

Sleep is good. We’ll be the first people to tell you how good sleep is, believe us. But it’s not $2,500 good. Not a lot of things are. Throw in another $1000 for a motorized lift and some sheets and baby, you’ve got an expensive-as-hell stew going. I’d much rather have some pretty good sleep for 1/10th of that cost and be able to switch to a new bed every couple of years. If your bed needs to be plugged in and download updates, chances are you paid too much for it.

Don’t you hate it when you’re driving down the road at night, somewhere outside the city, and you make a turn and right there in all of it’s canary-yellow glory is a sign warning you about crossing deer? Well, “Management is not responsible for lost or stolen items” signs are even worse. Welcome to the corporate world of “the customer is always right, unless they might sue”. It’s like working with the mafia, “I didn’t see nuthin’”. "But there’s a camera right there!” “It’s not plugged in.” “I just saw it move!” “No you didn’t.” Infuriating. Remember kids, like Uncle Ben said, "with great sales, comes no responsibility”.

All this and more on this week’s episode, including voicemails, the reveal of next month’s movie commentary, and a new addition to the studio! Don’t forget to join the Discord and Patreon if you haven’t already!

Episode 86 - Sweater Swirl Brain Freeze

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And as we finish this time capsule of 2064, to be opened in 100 years, we place in it an audio recording once thought lost: Episode 86 of the podcast know as Here's What I Don't Get. The rage fueled diatribes of host Tab, later known as The Supreme Killdozer, gave us unprecedented insight into serial killers. The calm, puzzling demeanor of co-host Handlebreaker gave us insight as well. Insight into a tech visionary, and the creator of the now standard handle-less door. These two men shaped the world for years to come, and for that reason they join this collection of our history along with:
- Retail Seasons
- Losing the Thing You Just Had
- Amazon Prime Day
- Burning Your Mouth

Buy this. Also, buy this. And that. And these. Only once a year! It's the only time you'll be able to buy this! BUYBUYBUYBUY! We'll take your money, but only on OUR time. When do you need it? We don't care! It's no wonder we're being overtaken by Amazon, 6 months out of the year we sell Christmas decorations, everything else gets about a day and a half of shelf space when the time comes. Pretty soon we'll be a Christmas store with 15 minute sales for other yearly holiday items. You need a Halloween costume? Come at 8 sharp and hope you find what you need in 5 minutes, cause the line will take 10 minutes and at 8:15 the items leave our inventory systems.

Where's the screwdriver you were just holding? Hell if you know. Things just disappear. Your brain is so dumb it can't remember where that screwdriver went, but you'll remember something random from 12 years ago. And then you find it after 5 solid minutes of looking and it's no in somewhere asinine. Somewhere you never put it, in a place you're not even certain you've been that day. It's enough to drive you insane, literally. I'm now certain that at least 25 percent of people in mental institutions are there because they lost something they just had. If only they would've had the future global gps tech we need to keep track of everything. Until then, mmmmmm... Juicy Fruit.

Welcome to Amazon Prime Day. It’s not actually a day long, and the sales aren’t actually good anymore. Firstly because Jeff Bezos needs more gold for his hoard (he’s a dragon if you didn’t already know). Secondly, Amazon has just been filled with Chinese knockoffs and fake cheaper listings of whatever it is you actually want. Thirdly, they need more money to invest into their drone program. Drones are the future, and will definitely be able to ship you that couch. But over everything else, they’re conditioning you. Slowly the sales will dry up, then they’ll only be unlock able with the Amazon PrimeCard. Then, the PrimeCard will only activate by fingerprint scan, then only by DNA sequencing. And by then they’ll have you. You pay Amazon in blood, or you don’t get your daily rations. It’s that simple.

CAUTION THIS FOOD IS HOT. Oh, that must mean I can put it in my mouth right now it looks sogoodlemmejusttakeabite AHHHH. IT BURNED ME! WHY WOULD IT DO THAT?! There’s the thought process of the human brain. We take in sensory cues about danger and then PROMPTLY IGNORE IT BECAUSE IT LOOKS TASTY. The human stomach-brain reflex is the only thing more powerful than the “I’m gonna get some sex” reflex. We literally injure ourselves for food. You don’t see dudes running around colleges with missing fingers cause they wanted some nookie. Chefs are the most powerful beings on the planet. And more on this episode of HWIDG including your voicemails and Tim’s horror movie villain voice! Don’t forget to check out our Discord and Patreon! And thanks to the folks that already have!

Episode 85 - New Vegas Statues

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You've won! An all-expenses paid getaway to HWIDG Island! Enjoy the tropical beaches, where the sand is filled with broken glass and used needles, and the water is definitely not infested with mutant sharks. Rest in one of our many resort hotels, complete with scummy pools and even scummier sheets. Savor the local cuisine, including such dishes as:
* Minimalism
* 40 Hours
* Waking Up
* New Math

Let me tell you about minimalism. Minimalism is about maximizing the usage of your space to be the most boring affluent person possible. These minimalists think that less is more, and they're right. The less you have, the more boring you are. I've lived in small rooms and small houses and guess what, it's not fun or cute, it sucks, and these people want to pay out the ass to do so. Screw you.

The coveted Mon-Fri 9 to 5 job. It has created the 40 hour work week, and with it the office drone. All the actual work is done, you want to go home, but there's 4 hours left and you "have" to be there. Why? You're tired, bored, and not actually working. Salaried workers leave the second they hit 40 hours, and hourly workers are trying every trick in the book to get whatever time they can over 40. Seems to me things would be a lot better if you just let the people work what they want.

Speaking of working when you want, why I gotta wake up at the crack of dawn to do non-time sensitive work? Why does the whole store have to open so early? Most people are AT THEIR JOBS, WE CAN'T SELL THEM ANYTHING. You're a pizza place, why the hell are you closing at 8? Let your workers sleep in, no one's ordering pizza before 11. You know what, it's all old people's fault. They're up before dawn and asleep by 7 or 8, and they're the ones that run everything.

What is 2+2? If you answered “I don’t know, 7?” congratulations! You’re ready to be inducted into an elite group of people known as MASK, or Modern American School Kids. Apparently math is now subjective and filled with guesswork. My guess is that it’s a ploy by big business to screw you out of more money because you can’t figure out how much you should be making on your own. Either that or they’re cautiously optimistic about aliens visiting us and giving us technology that changes our perspective of all laws of science as we know them. Both sound equally probable.

Plus more on this lean, mean issue grilling machine of an episode. Including voicemails, a look at this month’s movie suggestions, and a brand new episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat! Remember to visit the Discord and Patreon!

Episode 84 - Sweaty Used Hats

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Whoa there brother, slow your roll. You're messing with the most American™ formerly international podcast around, HWIDG®. You step up to us on this, our most hallowed day? The day to end all days?! The day represented by red, the color of the blood we shed? And by blue, the color of the blood we shed before we shed it? And by white, the color of the cells in said shed blood? Back down brother, or you'll wind up like these puny issues:

- Communism
- Coke Freestyle Machines
- Flag Stuff
- Not Taking the Plastic Off

Communism! Now for America! Winner of more than 200 Proletariat of the Year Awards, Communism American Edition brings the epic fantasy to life in stunning detail. The American Edition includes the critically acclaimed ideology and add-ons with all-new features like propagandized art and effects, authoritarian-god praise, dynamic deaths in fields, seized means of production, and more! Communism American Edition: new look, same great taste.

Speaking of new looks with same great(🤢) tastes, these Coke Freestyle machines have been around for a few years now, infesting more and more of your favorite restaurants. It's future tech without the foresight of support. They slow the line down to a crawl, there's always half of the options greyed out, and they overload the minds of morons that just stand there going through every possible drink choice. If this is the future of soda, just ban it all.

It's that time of year again. Get your USA hat on, your stars-n-stripes tank top, your American flag trackpants, load up your decaled Ford F-350 with 40 pounds of Mexican boom boom sticks, blast some Ted Nugent, give the double birds to a pack of brown kids on your way to grab a keg of delicious Natty Light, pick up your sister-wife from your Mom's trailer, hit the road, and drive yourself off a cliff you disrespectful jackhole.

How much of an idiot do you have to be to keep the attached list of features on your brand new 4K UHD HDR Quantum Pixel TV? Do you really need the giant red triangle cutting off the corner of your screen to remind you that it's 75 inches wide? You probably think the screen doesn't look so hot anyways because you haven't taken the plastic off the screen and it's bubbled up and warped. You absolute knobhead. PEEL IT OFF!

All this and more on this week's oh so patriotic episode. We've got Dallas recaps, 4D shenanigans, voicemails and more! Check out the Patreon and the Discord fellow Americans!

Episode 83 - Bootleg Hotdog Water

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SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Only on Sunday can you catch X-Treme HWIDG! Watch as they fly through the air and crush issues with their bare hands! Adult tickets are 8 dollars advance, 10 at the gate, kids' tickets are free with purchase of one adult tickets. Concessions are half price for seniors. That's right! Only 21 dollars for a Hot Dog Water! Come grab one and see if these issues can stand the heat:
- Our System is Down
-Future Tech
- Notifications
- Off Weekends

Society is screwed. When the eventual nukes either destroy the major data centers or cause massive EMP blackouts, we as a people will not be able to handle the reversion to pen and paper. Too many of our crucial daily systems are entirely reliable on computers, let alone the connected internet. And that's not counting the things you actually want. 2 day shipping will turn into 2 year shipping, and bottle caps as currency isn't far off.

No holograms. No flying cars. No hoverboards. No clear cell phones. No laser swords or rifles. No advanced A.I. No genetic implants. No cool floating HUDs. No tracking bullets. No robot taxis. No power suits or mechs. No walking tanks. No matter replicators. No data crystals. You will get absolutely none of these for hundreds and hundreds of years. Science fiction is a lie.

Bloop. Text. Buzz buzz. Facebook status update. You have 6 unread emails. Check me. CHECK ME! Ding! Congrats phone user, your mind is salivating. Bright primary colors, big numbers, pleasing yet alarming sounds, they've got you by the short 'n' curlies. Ding! Look, it's the new Samsung Pavlov 6, now with even more dog treats per notification!

Everyone wants to work a 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. It's simple. Ingrained in our society. We grow up following it in school like it's the way everything should be. Socially, our lives revolve around "the weekend". God help you if you work something else. Days off in the middle of the week or random days off turns the part of your brain that keeps track of the days to mush. Working nights is even worse, especially if you don't have blackout curtains or "anti-kids-playing-outside" technology.

All this and more on this week's episode. Voicemails, movie commentary decisions, and a new enterprising PATREON tier! Check it out, and the DISCORD too!