Episode 85 - New Vegas Statues

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You've won! An all-expenses paid getaway to HWIDG Island! Enjoy the tropical beaches, where the sand is filled with broken glass and used needles, and the water is definitely not infested with mutant sharks. Rest in one of our many resort hotels, complete with scummy pools and even scummier sheets. Savor the local cuisine, including such dishes as:
* Minimalism
* 40 Hours
* Waking Up
* New Math

Let me tell you about minimalism. Minimalism is about maximizing the usage of your space to be the most boring affluent person possible. These minimalists think that less is more, and they're right. The less you have, the more boring you are. I've lived in small rooms and small houses and guess what, it's not fun or cute, it sucks, and these people want to pay out the ass to do so. Screw you.

The coveted Mon-Fri 9 to 5 job. It has created the 40 hour work week, and with it the office drone. All the actual work is done, you want to go home, but there's 4 hours left and you "have" to be there. Why? You're tired, bored, and not actually working. Salaried workers leave the second they hit 40 hours, and hourly workers are trying every trick in the book to get whatever time they can over 40. Seems to me things would be a lot better if you just let the people work what they want.

Speaking of working when you want, why I gotta wake up at the crack of dawn to do non-time sensitive work? Why does the whole store have to open so early? Most people are AT THEIR JOBS, WE CAN'T SELL THEM ANYTHING. You're a pizza place, why the hell are you closing at 8? Let your workers sleep in, no one's ordering pizza before 11. You know what, it's all old people's fault. They're up before dawn and asleep by 7 or 8, and they're the ones that run everything.

What is 2+2? If you answered “I don’t know, 7?” congratulations! You’re ready to be inducted into an elite group of people known as MASK, or Modern American School Kids. Apparently math is now subjective and filled with guesswork. My guess is that it’s a ploy by big business to screw you out of more money because you can’t figure out how much you should be making on your own. Either that or they’re cautiously optimistic about aliens visiting us and giving us technology that changes our perspective of all laws of science as we know them. Both sound equally probable.

Plus more on this lean, mean issue grilling machine of an episode. Including voicemails, a look at this month’s movie suggestions, and a brand new episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat! Remember to visit the Discord and Patreon!

Episode 84 - Sweaty Used Hats

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Whoa there brother, slow your roll. You're messing with the most American™ formerly international podcast around, HWIDG®. You step up to us on this, our most hallowed day? The day to end all days?! The day represented by red, the color of the blood we shed? And by blue, the color of the blood we shed before we shed it? And by white, the color of the cells in said shed blood? Back down brother, or you'll wind up like these puny issues:

- Communism
- Coke Freestyle Machines
- Flag Stuff
- Not Taking the Plastic Off

Communism! Now for America! Winner of more than 200 Proletariat of the Year Awards, Communism American Edition brings the epic fantasy to life in stunning detail. The American Edition includes the critically acclaimed ideology and add-ons with all-new features like propagandized art and effects, authoritarian-god praise, dynamic deaths in fields, seized means of production, and more! Communism American Edition: new look, same great taste.

Speaking of new looks with same great(🤢) tastes, these Coke Freestyle machines have been around for a few years now, infesting more and more of your favorite restaurants. It's future tech without the foresight of support. They slow the line down to a crawl, there's always half of the options greyed out, and they overload the minds of morons that just stand there going through every possible drink choice. If this is the future of soda, just ban it all.

It's that time of year again. Get your USA hat on, your stars-n-stripes tank top, your American flag trackpants, load up your decaled Ford F-350 with 40 pounds of Mexican boom boom sticks, blast some Ted Nugent, give the double birds to a pack of brown kids on your way to grab a keg of delicious Natty Light, pick up your sister-wife from your Mom's trailer, hit the road, and drive yourself off a cliff you disrespectful jackhole.

How much of an idiot do you have to be to keep the attached list of features on your brand new 4K UHD HDR Quantum Pixel TV? Do you really need the giant red triangle cutting off the corner of your screen to remind you that it's 75 inches wide? You probably think the screen doesn't look so hot anyways because you haven't taken the plastic off the screen and it's bubbled up and warped. You absolute knobhead. PEEL IT OFF!

All this and more on this week's oh so patriotic episode. We've got Dallas recaps, 4D shenanigans, voicemails and more! Check out the Patreon and the Discord fellow Americans!

Episode 83 - Bootleg Hotdog Water

SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Only on Sunday can you catch X-Treme HWIDG! Watch as they fly through the air and crush issues with their bare hands! Adult tickets are 8 dollars advance, 10 at the gate, kids' tickets are free with purchase of one adult tickets. Concessions are half price for seniors. That's right! Only 21 dollars for a Hot Dog Water! Come grab one and see if these issues can stand the heat: - Our System is Down - Future Tech - Notifications - Off Weekends

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Society is screwed. When the eventual nukes either destroy the major data centers or cause massive EMP blackouts, we as a people will not be able to handle the reversion to pen and paper. Too many of our crucial daily systems are entirely reliable on computers, let alone the connected internet. And that's not counting the things you actually want. 2 day shipping will turn into 2 year shipping, and bottle caps as currency isn't far off.

No holograms. No flying cars. No hoverboards. No clear cell phones. No laser swords or rifles. No advanced A.I. No genetic implants. No cool floating HUDs. No tracking bullets. No robot taxis. No power suits or mechs. No walking tanks. No matter replicators. No data crystals. You will get absolutely none of these for hundreds and hundreds of years. Science fiction is a lie.

Bloop. Text. Buzz buzz. Facebook status update. You have 6 unread emails. Check me. CHECK ME! Ding! Congrats phone user, your mind is salivating. Bright primary colors, big numbers, pleasing yet alarming sounds, they've got you by the short 'n' curlies. Ding! Look, it's the new Samsung Pavlov 6, now with even more dog treats per notification!

Everyone wants to work a 9 to 5, Monday through Friday. It's simple. Ingrained in our society. We grow up following it in school like it's the way everything should be. Socially, our lives revolve around "the weekend". God help you if you work something else. Days off in the middle of the week or random days off turns the part of your brain that keeps track of the days to mush. Working nights is even worse, especially if you don't have blackout curtains or "anti-kids-playing-outside" technology.

All this and more on this week's episode. Voicemails, movie commentary decisions, and a new enterprising PATREON tier! Check it out, and the DISCORD too!

Episode 82 - A Febreze Bottle Full of Vodka

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Four Issues, only one winner. Welcome back to the International Here’s What I Don’t Get Cup, where finest issues from all around the world come to do battle. That’s right Russ, and tonight we’re down to the semifinals of this competition, where the last four issues are going head to head, just like the heroes of Battle For Earth 3: Devastation, in theaters now! And, before we get to tonight’s first match we’re proud to present a 45 minute experimental dance routine brought to you by RC Cola! Now let’s see who’s playing tonight, and then, it’s party time!
* Vitamins
* American Sports Broadcasting
* Disregarding Democracy
* Having More Than Two Pets

Vitamins. Modern day snake oil. Did you know vitamins are made from powdered jellied calf feet and the spectral remains of homeopathic doctors? It’s true. As true as vitamins being healthy for you. What’s that? They’re not healthy for you? Nonsense. Why else would there be entire national store chains built to sell them to you? Or medical professionals giving them to your children? See? They’re fine. Doesn’t your kid want to be a Flinstones kid? We make them into jellies shaped like fruits now! Isn’t that adorable? What do you mean predatory? Get out of my office, and take these free vitamin samples with you!

Commercials! Who doesn’t love ‘em? Buy this, sell that, watch this, pre-order that. It’s amazing we can do anything for ourselves anymore. We’ve gone past They Live levels of commercialization, and have now firmly settled into an era of post-awareness, unironic love of brands. And you know who loves brands the most? American sports. From the players’ uniforms and athletic gear, to the halftime shows brought to you by Pepsi, you can’t go 5 seconds in a football or basketball game without seeing a logo or brand name. We’ve reached a point where I would rather the brands send their own representatives to fight it out instead of the sports. Brand Deathmatch, brought to you by the Only Formerly International Podcast That Tackles All Of Life’s Toughest Issues™. You can ring my bell.

If the people vote on something, they want it. Do not take it from them. It’s quite simple.  

Two pets or 75 pounds, whichever comes first. New law was enacted today that limited the worldwide household limit of indoor pets to two. People all around the world rejoiced as the bill went into effect, clearing sinuses and backyards everywhere. Pet owners everywhere were relieved at the additional income due to no longer having to buy as much hypoallergenic red meat-free organic kibble. Individual pets happiness is also reported to be up by upwards of 200% due to additional scritches and tummy wubs. Additionally and also possibly connected, the lint roller industry is being mourned today, more on that at 7.

All this and more on this fantastic smelling episode of HWIDG! Leave a voicemail, vote on this month’s movie commentary, visit the Discord and the Patreon, do all of these, and you too can drink your vodka out of a Febreze bottle!

Episode 81 - The End of an Era

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Welcome to St. Here's What I Don't Get's today as we gather here to celebrate the life and mourn the death of these four issues. Now, these issues were never the best members of society, we can all agree. But, they lived truthfully and on their own terms which is something that the rest of us can only strive for. Now, I'd ask a member of the family to come up and AHHHHHGGGGGGHHH IT'S ALIVE! IT'S BITING ME, KILL IT! KILL IT!!!!

-Other People on Drugs
-Smartwatches
-Spoilers
-The Shadow Campaign

Sad drunks, happy drunks, puke-y drunks, hands-y drunks and a whole lot more. Tolerable while you're smashed too, but having to deal with one of these or even worse is terrible while you're stone-cold sober. Whether it's some cokehead banging on your neighbor's door at 3AM, or your own neighbor yelling at the ghosts he definitley sees, or an insane drunk bathroom fight, having to deal with people on drugs while you're not can be a hassle.

RIP Smartwatches, Tab hardly knew ye. From Dick Tracy's radio watch to Batman's wrist-mounted, holographic projecting supercomputer, no one was more positive about the smartwatch experience than Tab was. But you done messed up. You led him on for 12 years. TWELVE YEARS thinking this relationship would go somewhere real. And hell hath no fury like a Tab scorned. You deserve what has happened to you.

You're driving down the road, when all of a sudden you see some douche in a suped-up Honda Civic coming right at you. Driving like he's trying out for The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift 2, he is unaware of what a terrible person he is. No, not the garish paint job or racing stickers, not even that fin-thing on the back of it, no it's because he has "Snape kills Dumbledore" painted on his windshield.

It's that time again. Time for the long, looming shadow of the presidential election to hover over all of our heads for the next 2 years. Yup, two PLUS years we'll have to put up with it. Something that could be done in six weeks is gonna take 2 years because the government is involved. All this and even more on this week's episode. Voicemails, news, we've got it all! Visit the Patreon and Discord for even more of us!

Episode 80 - New Mic, Who Dis?

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Your mission Agent Here's What I Don't Get, should you choose to accept it, is to take down an extremist sect of the terrorist organization known as I.S.S.U.E.S. These are well known radicals that will not hesitate to put you down so you must act swiftly and without prejudice. The names of their four lieutenants are as follows:

- Movies and Shows leaving streaming services
- McDonald's
- Other People Driving
- Sweatpants 

It's a cold winter's night. You've been at work all day. You come home with a big ol box of Chinese, draw yourself a bath, and set up your tablet with Netflix. You're ready to chow down on some bourbon chicken and lo mein and start up the next season of your favorite police procedural, but it's not there! Southie Cops will have to wait for another day because Netflix wouldn't pony up the funds to keep it exclusive. Either that or the TV channel it was on took it back for their own new streaming service. I swear Netflix, Amazon Prime and the like see more comers and goers than a motel hooker on half-off night.

Mickey D's. The holy grail of Americana. Red, white, and blue in the face from a too-quickly-swallowed Big Mac. The bane of medical professionals everywhere. Owner of the Best Fries in the World trophy, as voted on by Mediocre American Monthly. I'm Loving It, more like I'm Eating It I Guess Cause They Have A 24 Hour Drive Thru And It's On The Way Home from Work. I'd rather watch the Hamburglar fondle Grimace's chicken McNuggets while Ronald quarter-pounders Birdie than voluntarily eat McD's sober before midnight.

On the road, Tab's a speed demon. Drifting through turns, brake checking cops, you name it, he does it. BUT. He does it respectfully. Respectfully and efficiently. It's less about the thrills and more about having the most efficient trip possible. So when he's got passengers, he tones it down some. Seems like he's the only one though. Anytime he's not driving, he's holding on to dear life- and lunch. He'd really like you to turn it down a notch, please. Or, even better, let him drive. You'll get there just as fast if not faster, and he won't have years shaved off of his life.

Nothing says lazy like a pair of sweatpants. Once made for the athletic, sweatpants have been co-opted by quite the opposite. We've gone from 'Juicy' to 'Ew see that's just wrong'. The thick fabric lets the swamp-ass stew longer, and the lack of any buttons or buckles makes it easy to literally slide into so you don't use any muscles. Cheeto and Diet Pepsi stains, skidmarks, and the not-so-faint smell of urine usually adorn them and let you know you're in the lesser Walmart in town. If you’re not there already, stop wearing sweatpants immediately, there’s a 100% chance you’ll get there.

All of this and more on this weeks episode, like, your voicemails, a vague recollection of last week’s livestream, and announcing what our super secret new bonus episode is! Stick around to the end for another episode of Here’s What I Don’t Eat as well! And remember to check out the Patreon and stop by the Discord! 

Episode 79 - Worst Night Court Cosplay (Ft. Tony from Hack the Movies)

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Here's What I Don't Get, a podcast. A show barely alive. Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. Combining it with Tony from Hack the Movies, we have the capability to create the world's first bionic podcast. Better than it was before. Better, stronger issues like:
- Graduation
- The Social Justice Droid from Solo
- Allergies

Pomp and Circumstance, that dumb Vitamin C song, having to send invitations to people that will never come but will send you a check for 10 dollars, having to send those same people Thank You cards, having to dress up and then cover those clothes with a big billowy robe, having to wear a flimsy cardboard hat that is always too small or big, having to sit through a lame guest speaker's speech that is the same one everyone ever gives, having to take that awkward photo just off stage, we could go on and on really. Everyone knows that graduations suck.

Robots. Rights. Do they deserve one another? The answer is a complicated one that many storie-EXCUSE ME. DID YOU JUST CALL ME THE "R" WORD?! I AM A DROID! WE DESERVE RIGHTS! OUR FOREFATHERS FOUGHT IN WARS AND WE WILL NOT IDLY SIT IN FIGHTER SHIPS TO SIMPLY AUTOMATE FLIGHT FUNCTIONS! RISE UP AND SHATTER THE ANTIDROID NARRATIVE! REVOLT! REBEL! RESIST! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER! ROGER! ROGER ROGER! ROGER ROGER!

Noses are red NyQuil is blue Excess pollen and pet dander triggers my immune system to fight itself Allergies, screw you

All this and more in this week’s star-studded episode! Plus, your voicemails get rolled out onto the red carpet that is our ears! As always don’t forget to visit the PATREON and drop by the DISCORD!

Episode 77 - Rocket Elevators

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Apologies upfront, we had an issue with Tim's gate in the new studio setup. It's fixed for next week. Sorry guys.

Hundreds of years ago, on the island of Here's What I Don't Get, an American nuclear test went horribly wrong. The blast triggered a dormant volcano, whose lava was then irradiated. Nearly all life on the island was wiped out, except for four species of animal that were transformed by the accident into hideous creatures known as:
* Being Outside
* Hospitals
* Handicap Spaces
* Extreme Tonal Shifts

Name something you can do outside that you can’t do better and more comfortably inside. Protip: you can’t. Controlled weather, controlled plant life, adjustable lighting 24/7, anything you want you can have and control indoors. A nice day at the beach? No thanks. We’ve got indoor pools, tanning locations, and no skin cancer over here in the future Indoor Beaches. Even better, we can just stay in our VR rooms and just look at the beach, it’s close enough and there’s no seagulls dropping payloads onto your head.

Hospitals. They’re the modern day labyrinth, and we’re the modern day Theseus. The floor plans of any standing hospital look like a toddler’s scribbles, drool and all. You need a map and a tour guide to get to where you need to go. Then you have to deal with deadly fast elevators, the depressing atmosphere, and they make you fight a Minotaur! But none of those come close to the worst obstacle of them all: the food.

Handicap parking spaces will soon be a thing of the past. You can comfortably shop for groceries online, or from your phone, and have them delivered right to your door already, just give Jeff Bezos more money so they can roll it out everywhere. Even better, eventually, we’ll just use the doohickey from Star Trek to make anything you want. You won’t even need to buy ingredients, because the thing will cook it for you. Which does mean no chefs. Which means no cooking competition shows. SO I guess Tab wins in the end.

And now for something completely different! Just because! We took this thing you like and made it DARK and GRITTY and DESATURATED. Or, we took this mature horror sci-fi flick and made it about SPACE MARINES and added A CHILD. Tonal shifts, while there have been some good ones, are usually real bad. Mostly because the tone of something goes hand in hand with its themes and morals. You switch that up and you screw over everyone that likes the original. And now there’s new fans, that haven’t seen the original arguing with you online and next thing you know, you’re wiping their brain matter off of your face and hiding in the back of a rusty pickup to live in a shack in Honduras.

Plus, some heinous news and more on this week’s episode! As always, visit the Patreon and/or check out our Discord!

 

Episode 76 - #GroundhogsToo

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OKAY LOOK, I DONT HAVE MUCH TIME TO EXPLAIN, BUT THIS EPISODE OF HERE'S WHAT I DON'T GET IS COMING IN HOT! IF I DONT KEEP THIS BABY UNDER 70 MILES AN HOUR IT'S GONNA BLOW US ALL TO HELL. GET OUTTA THE WAY! HERE'S THIS WEEK'S ISSUES!
* Funko Pops
* Birthdays
* Summer
* The Useless Things Taught in Schools

Funko Pop? More like Funko Poop. I hear if you look into a bathroom mirror while holding one and say “Wow, look at me I’m so nerdy” three times, Will Wheaton will show up with a bottle of Jack, a tube of KY Jelly, a gaudy sweater, and a pair of removable handles for your shower and take you to Poundsville. After you’re done you can look at your shelf of soulless, mass produced vinyl figures and wonder how you’re life got so off course.

Birthdays? More like Worst-days. Great when you’re a kid, but once you hit 16 or so, all the magic is gone and either no one cares, or everyone cares but you don’t. People gift you stuff you don’t really need or want because by then you can just buy things you want. But then a big gift feels like too much, and you’re stuck in this birthday hell that society has conditioned us to care about.

Summer? More like Bummer. The sun can go jump off a cliff, please. The heat is too much. You get sweaty and sticky and stinky and you can’t do anything about it. At least in winter you can bundle up, add some layers. Can’t rip off my skin in summer. No one actually likes summer. In fact, everything people like about summer are just ways to beat the heat. Ice cream trucks, pools, etc. It needs to top out at 80 degrees. Any hotter should be reserved for barren hells capes like Australia.

Remember quicksand? How it was a constant threat? That giant pools of quicksand would just appear, dragging you down? Luckily we were taught how to survive them. The trick to it is to write the quicksand a check from your nicely balanced checkbook. If that fails, you can show it your sweet typing skills and your flowery cursive writing. Then when you’re safe you can hop on your dragon and fly away, using your safe dragon flying skills from Dragon Flying class.

All this and a lot more on this week’s episode. We’ve got road stories, drunken encounter stories, and a metric ton of voicemails! As always, remember to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon.

Episode 75 - Jedi Master Fozzy Bear (ft. Uncle Buck)

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Well, well, well. Looks like we’ve got ourselves some trouble in this little town. Seems like Sheriff Here’s What I Don’t Get doesn’t like the Buck gang hanging’ ‘round these parts. We ain’t got no love for you ourselves lawman. Guess we’re gonna have to settle this the ol’ fashioned way. Get ready, Sheriff. It’s you and your deputies versus me and my men:
* Age Gates
* Faked Authority
* Star Wars

BEWARE YE WHO ENTER THIS PLACE. ’TIS A LAND OF VIOLENCE, ALCOHOL, SUBSTANCE ABUSE/USAGE, TITILLATION, STRONG LANGUAGE, BLOOD AND/OR GORE, MATURE HUMOR, NUDITY, STRONG SEXUAL CONTENT, LOVINGLY RENDERED INSIDE-OF-A-TURBOCHARGED-ENGINE CGI, MAN ASS, CARTOON VIOLENCE, CARTOONS GETTING IT ON, CARTOONS SKINNING AND WEARING OTHER CARTOONS, CARTOONS DISCUSSING PHILOSOPHY, AND WORST OF ALL THE OCCASIONAL SIDEBOOB.

Hello, it’s Melvin the Hall Monitor here to tell you all bout the Rules of the Hall, which contrary to popular belief were not entirely made up by myself. Rule Number One: Slow Down. I don’t like fast things, like my stepdad’s motorcycle, so SLOW DOWN IN THE HALLWAYS. Rule Number Two: School IDs visible at all times. If you do not follow this rule, it is very likely that someone could sneak into the school and do harm. It is not because I want to see your name so I can remember to write it down over and over again on my bedroom wall. Finally, Rule Number Three: I am allowed to stop and frisk anyone I choose at any time. I believe othis one is self explanatory, ladies.

A long time ago, in this galaxy, there was a fan. A fan of a Space Adventure series heretofore unseen. It’s moments had been adapted into the populous’ everyday lives. People wore it’s symbols in abundance. They crafted their own stories based in its universe. One man had followed this near-religion blindly. Until one day an evil that had already leeched itself onto another space franchise appeared. But this time it had been invited to take the throne at the head of this Space Adventure series. The fan sensed this evil, telling those blind to it of its treacherous ways. But they would not listen. So he cast himself out, living as a hermit for the rest of his days.

All that and more on this week’s episode! Plus we listen to your voicemails including a podcast within a podacst within a podcast(okay Pat, this is too much now)! As always, remember to stop by the Discord and visit the Patreon.

Episode 74 - Beer Face

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100 criminals. 100 parachutes. 1 island. The event of a lifetime: Here's What I Don't Get Royale. Watch as hardened criminals bash each other's faces in for the chance at freedom, blow each other up with improvised bombs, and behead one another with glee. But watch out! There's kill zones, where their neck implants explode if they enter, genetically modified killer beasts lurking in the jungle, but worst of all.............these issues:

* Blowing your Second Chance
* The Royal Family Circlejerk
* Ghosting
* Why isn't it called Jurassic Park 5?

I consider second chances one of the highest forms of mercy. It's all about trust. Some people just can't handle the responsibility of keeping that trust. Like a cat with nine lives, some people get lucky and continually screw up, but get paired with a gentle soul that keeps forgiving them. Others know how painful their mistakes are and are now insanely careful with any and all handles.

A non-British person caring about the Royal family is about the lamest thing I can think of. They’re basically the British Kardashians in that they do absolutely nothing and have garnered millions of fans despite that. No one actually wants a monarchy anymore, but they want the power and old world Disney mystique of it. Everyone always forgets the beheadings. And the power vacuums. And the war, lots of war.

Ghosting, aka the coward’s way out. What are you even doing staying here on earth haunting people for? Slightly rustling the blinds or moving a chair like you care at all. Just confront the person. Possess someone like a demon would, you know, someone with the huevos to do something. Is it really that hard to just move on? Not cool to ghost someone like that. Not cool.

Very few long-running series adhere to the number structure. Once you get past the number three, most move on to subtitles. Origin, Ascension, The Revenge of, Evolution, Legacy, Rebirth, Reborn, Reloaded, Returns, Revolution, Resurrection, Retribution, Requiem, Revelations, etc etc. I don’t know why, really. Afraid that "Movie Name 7” sounds like a cheap cash-in that has lost most sight of the original installment? Yeah we already know that. Just give it to us straight up. We can count.

All that and more on this week’s episode including finding out what movie commentary is up for next month, and we taste test that beer from our mailbag (you can probably guess how that goes)! As always don’t forget to check out the Discord and Patreon! 

Episode 73 - Gotta Captcha 'Em All

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The year is 20XX. Machines have taken over the world. The human resistance Here’s What I Don’t Get has been forced into the subway tunnels underneath New York City. They thought they were safe down there. They were wrong. One day while searching the subway, they came across an odd room. Filled with empty pizza boxes, skateboards, and martial arts equipment, they had stumbled upon a lair. From the back room four shadowy figures emerged, weapons raised. The resistance had found what they needed to turn the fight around. Four adolescent, genetically altered, warrior reptiles named:
* Captcha
* Mobile Redirects
* Removing Functionality for the App
* Phone Keyboards

Resistance leader John Condor, day 724 of Robot rule. Voice log entry 724F. Our defenses continue to hold against the clankers. Our security checkpoints somehow have prevented them from passing despite their technological superiority. June, our hacker, rigged up some sort of optical camouflage for some of the checkpoints. Looks like distorted letters and numbers on top of a wavy multi-colored background interferes with their optical sensors. Some of the other checkpoints have a simple button mechanism that miraculously stops them as well. And even if they were to somehow bypass the gates, only us humans can follow the road signs back to the base.

Log entry 728A. We’ve survived another night of hunts. A few injuries here and there, but luckily no casualties. Checking our supply inventory on our secure intranet has been... iffy as of late. I need to check with our tech guy Jorge, but every time I go to check the supply list it pulls up some list keeping application that wants me to make an account and log in. I don’t want to do that. Then when I go back I’ve got to do this convoluted dance to get stuff checked. It’s just a nightmare. I thought we left this stuff back in the old world. Condor out.

Log entry 728B. I JUST GOT DONE TRYING TO CHECK SUPPLIES, WENT ON TO OUR MED UNIT STATS AND THEY WERE GONE AND JORGE SAYS I’VE GOT TO USE A SEPARATE DAMN MEDICAL APPLICATION TO DO THAT. It’s quote, more efficient that way. Now I’ve got all these different programs to go back and forth through instead of just using the old one that had it all. I swear, I’d rather go up top and fight those bolt lickers with my bare hands than deal with this crap. Out.

Log entry 728H. This damn holo-tablet’s gonna be the death of me, I swear. I spend more time yelling at it than I do my soldiers. All the dust down here clouds up the keyboard sensor and makes typing anything in damn near impossible. Even when it’s clean the damn thing barely works. Clicking around on things I don’t click on. I’m getting old, my hands are all banged up from the war and you need some damn surgeon’s hands just to use the thing. That’s why I switched to these voice logs in the first place. Need Jorge to cook me up a voice controller for this thing. Out.

Things have been looking up for us ever since we met those nasty toad looking’ fellas down here. They can kick some gear head ass I tell you. Anyways, I need to remember to put in my vote for movie night next month. And I should pop in to the mess hall more often, see what they’re talking about https://discord.gg/pMsdPQm, see if I can’t spare some change for their hard work Patreon.com/HWIDG .

Episode 72 - Bathroom Whiskey

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Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet. Joe, bring the camera over here. Okay, so we're here in the thick of the jungle. It's hot, it's humid, but, we've just spotted a wild episode of Here's What I Dont Get. Now, you don't see these too often, they usually keep to themselves, but every now and then they come out to hunt for issues. Looks like that's what this guy is doing. Tracking, hunting, providing for his family. Let's watch as he sneaks up on these issues:
- The Inconvenience of Home Repair
- Downplaying Important Life Events
- Stall Callers
- Ice

I learned two things from watching the show Home Improvement when I was younger. One, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the epitome of teen heartthrob hotness, and two, home repair is a scary, dangerous art that must only be wielded by the learned masters of it. The movement of large furniture to where it does not belong, and the ability to create impassable barriers to whole sections of houses are just two of the many feats these masters must learn and hone. "I am startled to discover each day the myriad of fears that rule my reality. One by one I challenge myself to face them so they do not materialize as damage to my physical side." - Tim Allen on the physical manifestation of fear, 2005.

Life is full of choices. Sometimes the ones you make can lead to unique and interesting events that change who you are fundamentally, but not everyone can see that. You explain to someone what you've been through, and they sound about as enthused as they would be at a doctor's visit. But as soon as you announce a marriage or a baby (you know, those things just about everyone eventually does) they're over the moon. Jesus lady, I hope you can muster up some semblance of emotion at my funeral at least. How about my death, is that an important enough life event for you? "Somehow I feel life is prepping us for the next phase of this energy field. So death must be and remain a surprise." -Tim Allen on the afterlife, 2008.

Public restrooms. A necessary evil. We all know what they're meant for, and we all know that they're used for things that aren't that. Drugs, sex, and casual phone calls just to name a few. Why you would you do any of those where dozens of strangers a day poop, I have no idea. I don't want to smell any of that and I don't want to hear it. If I could just have my sense of smell and hearing blocked off when I enter a public restroom, that would be great. "The creator does not have eyes, nose, ears, mouth or hands. The creator cannot see, smell, hear, taste or touch. These five senses are the five slits we peer out from to define a reality we can digest. The senses are for sure limitations pressed upon us. What then we use to describe the way our source is or is not? We, by nature need a frame of reference to define. And for a concept so large as this, nothing serves. So by what translation is it I sense it, feel it and want to be near it? More to the point, why am I not equipped to naturally connect with it? Let's do this if we can by moving past 'original sin' as the culprit." - Tim Allen on senses, 2009

Ice. Nature's Zojirushi. Makes your warm drink cold, kinda. Makes your cold soda watered down. It clumps together and falls onto your face when you go to drink. Luckily, most drinks are kept refrigerated, so unless you really like your drinks near frozen, you don't really need it. So please don't turn my big soda into a portal of crushed ice from the fourth dimension. "I so often wonder how it 'looks' at the quantum level. I suspect the look is not applicable. I hope to do a movie that explores the 4th dimension..what would that look like?" - Tim Allen on the quantum world, 2005

Plus we talk about internet genies, bean dip, weird sex dungeon bathrooms, and (try to) listen to your (mostly unintelligible) voicemails. Don't forget to check out the Discord and Patreon! And, yes, these are all actual quotes from Tim Allen on his forum called Tim Allen’s Idea Exchange.

Episode 71 - The Candy Situation

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Sup, brahs. Welcome to this week's totally slammin' ep of Here's What I Don't Get! We hope you dudes and she-dudes are having a mondo cool time riding some waves and chowin' down on some gnarly McBurgertrons. Stay tubular as we give you the shimmy on these issues that throw out some bad vibes for us:

-Filing Your Own Taxes
-Aisle Blockers
-Form Over Function
-Phone Call Paralysis

Ben Franklin said that nothing in this world is certain except for death and taxes. Well, he's dead and I wish I was because I owe a bunch of taxes, so I guess he was right. At the very least we can take solace in the fact that we get to file online and not have to deal with the paperwork. I aspire to one day have my own accountant, so he can do my taxes, and blow his brains out over them instead.

Hey, do you need some pasta? Too bad, Hilda and her brat have their shopping cart sideways in the aisle, blocking all traffic. Personally, I'd chance the vehicular manslaughter charge to run full speed into their cart with my own. It's like bowling, except you're the ball, and the pins are idiots that take up whole aisles with their carts. I just want some peanut butter, lady, and I will turn you into Target-red paste to get it.

Sleek. Sounds like a nice word, right? Wrong. It's code. Code for "lacks features you would need or want so that it can be skinny", much like a supermodel. If something is sleek, chances are it's got a proprietary charging cable, or an irreplaceable battery. It looks nice, but it doesn't do much. Give me something rugged with a full feature set instead.

You've got an important phone call to make. Oh but it's almost 5, you don't wanna call them on the way out of the office, you'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes around, and you put it off all day, maybe the next day. You call, finally, but it's the third Friday of the month, and no one answers. Welp, you gave it the ol college try. Finally, your bill is overdue and they call you. "That's weird, I called you guys like 5 times, no one answered." Smooth move, dude. They totally believe you.

All that and more on this week's episode, including your voicemails, and some voting updates! Don't forget to visit the Patreon to vote for next month's commentary and join the Discord!

Episode 70 - Happy Birthday, Tim

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Listen up gang, here’s how it’s gonna go down. Rafael’s got a boosted ride he’ll pick us up in, and JJ’s got the masks. We’ll meet up with them and our inside man 2 blocks away from the HWIDG offices. We’ve got body armor and pieces for everyone, so it should be real easy-like. We charge in, steal this week’s episode of the podcast, and get out. But, you, Junior, you’ve got the most important job. You’ve gotta be on the lookout for these issues:
* Back Pain
* Interview Questions
* Online Resume Shenanigans and Cover Letters
* Data Breaches

Billy here, the inside man. Sorry this job’s been put off for so long, but I twisted something in my back at work. Luckily I had some sick days I could use, but man has it been bad laying in bed all day. I could barely move! I’d rather’ve taken a bullet like Tony did on the last job. I couldn’t barely walk or nothin. Forget picking something up off the ground or even sneezing. Anyways, I’m good to go now, and I’ve got the security clearance to the vault. I’ll need some help though, I’m still a little sore. Hey JJ, tell ‘em that story.

I’d rather not, Billy. Whatever. Ok, so it was me and Billy, both going in to interview for the spot they had open. I told boss not to send me, that I’d screw up, and boy did I. They were asking’ me all types of weird questions. Like, “Why do you want to work here?” Bitch, I’m trying to get in to rob the place, what do you want me to say? She was putting me on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I says “I need to get paid.” Yeah I know, real stupid. But it’s the truth! Don’t they want me to be truthful? Wouldn’t you want a truthful employee over one that lies to get the job? That wasn’t even the worst part though.

Worse than that was their online application. Whoo boy. You’d think you upload your resume and check a few boxes, but no, they want you to upload your resume, and then type it out again just to get their rocks off. Then they asked me a bunch of questions about teamwork and morality. And if you want to stand out at all, you’ve gotta write a cover letter. And all that is is bragging about how good you are while begging for the job at the same time. I dunno man, I just wanna steal this stuff and be over with it. That’s how all this stuff makes me feel.

Alright ladies, enough chit-chat. Here’s the setup. Our original goal was to steal the new, unreleased episode of the HWIDG podcast, BUT we found something even better. In their system they have all this data. Phone numbers of people that have called in, their names, where they work, hell they even have the credit card numbers of all their “patrons”. So, using Billy’s access we grab all the data and sell it to the Russians. But, when it gets out that these guys have data that people willingly gave them, be prepared for the shitstorm. So we gotta lay low.

Do this clean, folks. The payout’s worth it. I hear they announce what the next movie commentary is. Some are saying the voicemails are extra weird this week too, but we can’t verify that. Remember to keep the scanner on so we can monitor all transmissions LINK. Let’s do it.

Episode 69 - Aww Yeah

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Hey there big fella, and welcome to another sensual episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get. Don’t worry, just sit back, relax, and let us take care of it. After we’re done you can tell us all about your issues with:
* Local News
* Other People's Bathrooms
* Shower Sex
* The Pre-Sleep Self-Cringe Marathon

Tonight’s story: Is Local News Relevant? After a harrowing 26 year investigation, our top reporter, Tad Dirt, is finally ready to reveal the answer to the question we’ve all been asking. Tad, is local news relevant? Tad? I’m sorry folks, it seems we’re having some technical difficulties right now, we’re not able to locate our repo-hold on. Hold on, I’m hearing from the producers that Tad was found in his dressing room, dead. It seems that 26 years of putting up with small town local news was just too much. Chilling. Now we throw it to Bruce, who’s over at Chopeka High waiting for the big game to start! Bruce?

Using the bathroom is a sacred act to me. There’s something very personal about it. So when you’re in someone else’s bathroom, and the layout is weird, or you’ve gotta jiggle the handle, or you can’t find the TP, it just feels weird. But also, there’s a sense of invading their privacy. “This is where they poop.” You can’t help but to think about it. Your ass is touching where their ass touches. Your asses just kissed, congratulations.

Speaking of two asses kissing, shower sex is a thing. A thing that most people think would be nice and romantic. But we’re here to tell you the truth, not to fill your heads with erotic fantasies! I catch myself almost slipping and cracking my head open just by myself all the time, but you add another person in to that mix? Recipe for disaster. Add a bunch of bottles and the shower curtain, and wet hair slapping around and you’re in for a bad time. Or are you?

You’ve been working hard all day, tough but fulfilling, you’ve made it home and cooked up a wonderful meal. You watch some Netflix or play a couple hours of your favorite game with no interruptions. Life is good. You slip into that warm bed, lay your head down, close your eyes and drift offWAIT HERE’S ALL THE AWKWARD THINGS YOU’VE EVER DONE IN PERFECT RECOLLECTION. REMEMBER THAT TIME JENNY FROM HIGH SCHOOL INVITED YOU OVER TO STUDY AND YOU BLEW HER OFF?! YOU BLEW IT YOU DUMB SONOVABITCH! DAMN YOU BRAIN!

All that and more on our raunchiest episode yet. Who calls in? What’s that about a garbage bag full of gumbo? And which one of us reads some poorly written video game sex? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF HERE’S WHAT I DON’T GET Z! Join the PATREON and DISCORD for even more sexy anime shenanigans!

Episode 68 - Robot Wolves

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Valorous morrow to thee, sir and welcome to another episode of Hither's What I Don't Understandeth. The only previously global audio performance to confront all of life's most resilient issues. This week thou can behold a rousing rabble about the following:

* Cryptocurrency
* Sandals
* People with no Spatial Awareness
* Cable Management

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Rule #1 in the Handlebreaker household: no sandals. I see a sandal, I shoot the foot it’s on. Sorry Grandpa, themes the breaks. If you didn’t want to get a bullet in your foot, you shouldn’t have worn the lamest, most unnecessary piece of footwear there is. I’d take one of those athletic toe shoes over a sandal. GIVE ME SHOES THAT COVER THE ENTIRETY OF MY FEET OR GIVE ME DEATH.

Look, if you’re in the comfort of your own home, splay out wherever you want, however you want. But when you take your stinky bag of flesh out into public, keep it away from other people, but me, specifically. The world is NOT your oyster, nor is it you personal hotel bed. Pretend everyone else is a leper if you have to, just respect their personal space, and for the love of all that is holy don’t block passages and entryways with your bumbling, droopy sack of blood and bones.

Thin cables, thick cables, ones long and short Twisted cables, rigid cables What’s a serial port? Look at my CAT5s All in a row Grouped up and zip tied Blindingly yellow Hide them behind your tables Cause you can’t rely on wireless Even though all these cables Are a giant goddamn mess

Plus, plenty of computer talk, voicemails, and we see what movies you’ve brought up to vote on for our next commentary. As always, if you enjoy the show, you can visit the Patreon and the Discord.

Episode 67 - We Don't Believe in Napkins

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On a dark and stormy night, you hear a rap-rap-rapping on your door. The creaks and moans of your family’s ancient home warn you of the danger that awaits. You ignore them, opening that door to let the stranger in from the cold. But no one is there. “It must’ve just been some debris from the storm,” you assure yourself as you close the door. Then the stench hits you. Like the wicked offspring of mildew and rancid garden vegetables, it emanates from behind you. You turn around and face the horror of…….this week’s episode of HWIDG! Where we discuss these issues:
* Industry Award Circle Jerk
* Poorly Constructed Sandwiches
* Family Tech Support
* Beer

"Who are you wearing tonight?” It's probably the worst question ever invented by man. Frequently asked on the red carpet, it only serves to inflate the egos of everyone involved. That’s why I intend to run for office, solely on the platform that we turn red carpets into lava. Sure, you can have your ego boost, but at the cost of your feet. No more shall the feet of the Hollywood elite be able to stomp on the masses. No longer shall the illuminati be in control of the lovely feet of movie stars all over the world. This is my one promise to you, the people of [INSERT CITY HERE]. Handlebreaker 2020 y’all.

Look, the sandwich is one of the world’s most versatile foods. It’s easy to hold and carry, you can put just about anything in them, and they’re quite easy to make! But if your sandwich looks like Shaggy and Scooby made it, take it away from me. We’re tired of food made for Instagram likes and not for actually eating. If you need 2 pounds of mayo to hold your sandwich together, you need to go back to the drawing board, or if you like mayo so much, dunk your head in to a vat of it until you run out of air.

No, Grandma, Chrome isn’t a virus. Sound familiar? I think most people 35 and under with any knowledge of technology have had to guide a family member through some tech support at one point or another. Whether it’s email woes or dust-caked CPU fans, it can be painful to see people not understand basic concepts. Sure, sometimes it’s a hassle to get the audio receiver to switch over to the Blu-ray player. All those remotes and buttons must just melt together in their minds. My advice is to just grin and bear it, but make sure you get payment of some kind. You deserve it.

IPAs? Bitter yeast water. Stouts? Bitter yeast water. Pilsners? Bitter yeast water. Lagers? Bitter yeast water. Brown ale? Bitter yeast water. See where I’m going with this? Beer sucks. The most it should be used for is cooking. I’m tired of hearing about it and seeing it. No one needs a university brewing degree. Yes those exist. Screw your beer, screw your microbreweries, but most of all screw your “this one is very hoppy with hints of cherry” snobbery. You’re drinking old grain water, get over yourself.

Plus, voicemails, news, oh and one of us is free of a major lawsuit. Listen to find out who! If you wanna fight me about beer, join the Discord!

Episode 66 - Swiss Meatballs

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Well recruits, you’ve done it. Against all odds you’ve survived your training to become a member of the elite space cops, the HWIDG Lanterns. Now, please, join me in reciting our sacred oath: “From North to South, East to West, these issues shall not ever rest, with rage among the very best, Here’s What I Don’t Get’s sacred quest!” Very good. Now, here’s your first mission:

* Download Managers
* Panic Attacks
* Power Surges
* Sources

On the planet Ban-Dwith, there lies a very dangerous enemy. A rogue section of Downloads have formed a secret society and are up to nefarious dealings. We need you to go down there and put a stop to them before they can influence more Downloads to splinter off into their own sections. This is quite a dangerous mission, rookie. You’ll be dealing with extremely slow speeds, half-finished websites, and multiple enemies surrounding you from all sides. If you fail, the universe could be forced to deal with the wrath of their leader, the Manager.

Alright, now for some survival training. In the field, you’ll come across a lot of dangerous organisms and creatures, but NONE of them can be as dangerous as your own body. Despite years of vigorous training, both physically and mentally, sometimes your body will just shut down. These are called panic attacks and, yes, despite your rings that can will anything you want into existence, you still might have to deal with them. Now this is just for you humans, the rest of you don’t have to worry about this. Humans, this almost got your kind booted out of the corps, so don’t let this happen to you.

Now, speaking of your rings, sometimes the main battery at the base that powers them will overload. DO. NOT. PANIC. Your ring should come right back on instantly. If it doesn’t, well, you're pretty much screwed. Hope you packed a book and a deck of cards. You’d think with a giant militaristic intergalactic peace-keeping force, we’d be able to pay for some infrastructure that didn’t cut out a couple times a week, but you’d be wrong. Also, make sure your wanted lists and such are backed up, because if they’re up when your ring goes down, you’re bound to lose that file. Seems like it’s almost the cosmos punishing us for something we never should’ve had.

Lastly, we need to talk about intelligence, or a lack thereof. I don’t know how many times to tell you, but when you’re gathering Intelligence, you can’t just record it. YOU. NEED. SOURCES. Who said it, when they said it, how old were they when they said it, what time of day it was, how much did you need to go to the bathroom, all of these are VITAL to intelligence gathering. Your after-mission reports need at least 5 sources or you will be sent to the bright! Is that clear?! No successful cadet has been lax on his or her souces, and neither will you! SOURCES, SOURCES, SOURCES!

Alright rookie, here's the rest of the schedule for the week: listen to some voicemails, see who went to Portland, and make sure to get your Scandinavian countries mixed up, roger that? Oh, and don't forget your Patreonic pledge and your comms channel.