Episode 116 - Donuts in the Park

116.png

So, I just bought this storage locker for 600 smackeroos. Bill was being a jackass and bidding me up, probably cause he's jealous of my store doing more business than his, but anyways let's get this bad boy open. Okay. At first, this locker doesn't look great. A lot of used clothes in bags, that's $20 a bag. Some golf clubs, that's half a Benjamin. Some jewelry, some old DVDs, not looking real great. But, back here is what I spotted, and I hope it's what I'm thinking it is....Yes! It is! Now this, folks, is what they call a podcast. They went out of style in the late 2020's, but I remember this one... Here's What I Don't Get. I gotta get this to an appraiser along with this other stuff I found:

Not Being Warned
Health Insurance
Wanting to Fix the Unfixable
Buying Gifts for Other People

A heads up. A warning. An FYI. A caution sigh. Some indication or suggestion that something is up. Letting someone know. No matter how you put it, it's always welcome, no matter how little the problem. Being prepared can get you through the worst of anything. Who wants to be surprised by a weak shower? Or showing up casually dressed to a black tie event. Inform. Inform Inform. Knowing is half the battle.

Health insurance is a scam. The health insurance industry has run up the prices of medical bills to an outrageous amount just to maximize profits. So you pay an outrageous amount from your paycheck to your health insurance on the off chance you might need it, and otherwise watch your money go down the drain. God help you if you don't have insurance, you have to pay that inflated amount because you won't pony up protection money every month. Sound a bit sketchy eh?

Hooligans? In my town? How dare this homeless person sleep on this park bench. How dare these teenagers drink in the park. Graffiti? In public? Why I never! What's the solution to these horrendous crimes? Probably not caring about what other people do in the park. They will do those things at every park in every town. There is nothing to be done. Not having a park there means the homeless guy would be sleeping closer to you, the teenagers would be drinking in your neighborhood, and the grafitti would be on your garage door. Doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Buying gifts for kids? Easy. Once that person can afford whatever they want? Incredibly difficult. If they really want something and don't have to take a loan out for it? They ready have it. If they don't, there's a reason. That's why the Tab Method is the tried and true way to happiness. Buy them a nice dinner out. Spend some time with them and some good food. Works 100% of the time. The most thought you have to put into it is what kind of food they do/don't like. That and how fancy a meal they deserve. For instance, on his birthday I treat my brother to a cold, day-old McDonalds small fry.

All this and more on this week's episode. We've got voting and voicemails and news and more! Join us on PATREON or DISCORD for even more fun!

Episode 115 - Go Go Gadget Fleshlight (ft. Officer Kevin and Officer Grant from Thought Cops)

Episode 115 Thumb

Breaker breaker, this is Big Daddy HWIDG, I'm haulin' a load of go-juice to Spud Town and I got me a bit of trouble. Seems like there's an expired lot lizard in my cabin. Picked it up at a pickle park bout 50 miles back and I think it got into my West Coast turnarounds. Any good buddies willing to help me out at the next choke and puke, I'd appreciate it. I've got some spicy contraband for anybody if you help me out. Let's see, I got a bunch of primo hoochie flicks here, Miss Friday: Panty Detective, Volleyball Locker Room Warmups, and:

- Quoting Orwell
- Super Bowl Halftime Shows
- People that only watch the Super Bowl for the Commercials
- Slow Deaths

1984, a dystopian classic. A warning for the people of the future. A brutally honest prediction of American government. The perfect Twitter quip fodder? Unfortunately so. Because the public school system forced you to read it in 8th grade, at your peak rebelliousness, you remember none of it outside of the same things everyone else does. Big brother is watching you! Facecrimes! And everytime the other political party is in power, the other side pulls it out on Twitter like a kindergartner's hand-turkey. Oh. You traced your hand and turned it into a turkey?! I've NEVER seen that before!

Hey, let's take a 20 minute break from the carnage of 22 men trying their best to almost kill each other. For your amusement, we'll bring out a either a washed up singer from 25 years ago who absolutely does not sound like they used to, or the new hotness that will confuse all the older white men. Guaranteed at least a 50 disappointment rate, why don't we do something else? A charity field goal contest, a sports trivia contest, taking all the money it would cost to put on a halftime show and burning it set to soft jazz like those Christmas yule log videos.

Speaking of that big game, the other big upset is the ads. A lot of people don't follow the sport but still like hanging out with friends that do and eating nachos and drinking terrible beer. You could be honest and say you're there for the free food, but instead we come up with "I only watch for the ads". Which is a decent enough lie, except think of that person that truly does enjoy being advertised to. Imagine that person that enjoys a bit of fresh advertisment. Do you want to be them? I didn't think so. So when your buddy asks who you're rooting for, tell them you're rooting for your stomach vs. those chili-cheese dogs.

Doctor approved voluntary euthanasia. We need it. People should be allowed to go with their dignity and mind intact. Is it was? Sure. They're still dying. But to do so at peace? Surrounded by their loved ones? Before cancer or what have you wrecks their body and medicine does even worse to their brain? I'd take that in a heartbeat. Tim here, I'd like to take this last portion of the episode write up to thank all the listeners for their well-wishes. It means a lot.

All this and more on this cybernetically enhanced episode of the podcast. We've augmented it with voicemails, voting, and more! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more shenanigans! Check out the Thought Cops at www.thoughcopspodcast.com

Episode 114 - Space Coffee ft. Crippled Jesus

Episode 114 Thumb

After 10,000 years he has returned! The alien menace from the outskirts of Omega IV, The Handlebreaker returns to exact his revenge on the doors of Earth! Can we fight him off? It's up to one man, Colonel Tab Birt! The man with a tragic past, haunted by a handle that wasn't there when he needed it most, his crusade against the alien menace will drive him to the brink! Terror! Adventure! Groundbreaking effects! HWIDG pictures present: Return of Handlebreaker! Now available on home video along with these great films:

The Uber Quality
Spectrum Mandatory Meetings
Environmentalism

Uber and Lyft. Are they taxis? Who cares. What they really are are the best way for serial killers to find victims. Picking up random strangers? Driving then to where they live? Uh huh. Business? More like binder full of feet photos now with addresses. That's why when I take one, I quiz the driver about other popular serial killers. If they know too much, I'll jump out at a red light and immediately report them. It's only turned out bad one time. For some reason the police didn't believe me and they found my human taxidermy collection, but aside from that, it usually works!

ATTENTION ALL HWIDG LISTENERS: A MANDATORY PODCAST INFORMATION MEETING WILL BE HELD ON THURSDAY AT 5 PM. WE WILL INFORM YOU WHO IS SPONSORING THIS WEEK'S EPISODE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED SINCE LAST WEEK, WHICH ISSUE WON THE VOTING, WHAT EACH OF OUR ISSUES ARE, WHY WE PICKED THEM, WHAT THE NEWS STORIES WILL BE, AND WHO LEFT VOICEMAILS. THIS MEETING IS MANDATORY. IF YOU DO NOT ATTEND THIS MEETING TOU WILL BE KICKED DOWN ONE PATREON TIER. THERE WILL BE SNACKS. THANK YOU.

Who has the luxury to care for the environment? Rich people. Yes, the same ones flying around in private planes, flushing drugs down toilets, and buying multiple mansions. The working class doesn't have the luxury to spend time or money on most environment friendly issues. But on the other hand, they are the ones that get the most usage out of everything, because they have to. It's a strange dichotomy. Earth's screwed anyways.

All this and more on this week's episode, including voicemails, voting, and suicide? You'll have to listen to find out! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more!

Episode 113 - Seventy Seven (ft. Tony from Hack the Movies)

Episode 113 Thumb

We're filing a missing persons report, one Timothy J. Handle Breaker has been reported missing from his home underneath the I-244 interchange. He was last seen wearing a Coheed T-Shirt and a ceremonial necklace of broken handles. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Handle Breaker please call us at 704-750-9434. Filling in this week we have Tony from Hack the Movies and we're talking about these important issues.

Journalism
Ghostbusters
Fortune Tellers
Toxic Masculinity

"We report you decide" "Only the news fit to print" "Coverage you can count on" at this point I'd sooner count on Ron Burgundy than the slack ass reporters we have working today. After the 24 hour news cycle died it wasn't replaced with caring or considerate news instead it was replaced by up to the second outrage porn to get the two minute hate in as often as possible. Worse is that these journalists while simultaneously playing pariah suffer zero consequences when their sensationalist news destroys people's lives. They just wander on like David Banner to destroy the next city on next week's episode of the Incredible Bulk.

It's finally here! The Ghostbusters 3 you've been waiting for since Ghostbuster 2! Bad news though, Ghostbusters sucks. That's right I said it. It's a brand that has become so diluted by garbage that is there really anything there worth seeing? They made one great film, and then a mediocre but still enjoyable sequel, and then a bunch of lame cartoons and video games. It's been 30 years, it's time to call the time of death. Let the movies of the past be just that, past, you're not going to milk a Star Wars out of the love of one movie.

As a HWIDG fan you are strong, but sometime you feel like you can't do enough. You like to be the life of the party, but other times you want to be able to sit in the peace of your own space. Your love life is sometimes electrifying and satisfying, and then you'll feel like you are spinning your wheels. Some days you feel like a stranger in your own body unsure of your choices, and others you are the head honcho ready to get things done. Do you think this describes you? Then you my friend are at risk of being fortune told. The biggest scam in the Universe.

In the words of the great Kel of Keenan and Kel. "I'm a dude, your a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes." Yet in this world where we should have equality there is a poison lurking beneath the surface. That's right. Toxic Masculinity. You or someone you know may be suffering from Toxic Masculinity right now. Do you or a loved one have issues with following directions? Experience rage at other drivers on the road? Condemn others for the insecurities they feel? Well then you may be entitled to legal compensation, just call the law offices of Phaxton, Thaxton, Sexton, and Flax Attorney's at Lunch today!

All that plus we catch up on upcoming movies, news of the weird set a new "Time to Star Trek" record, and your voicemails! Don't forget to visit us on PATREON, and join the DISCORD for episode voting fan discussions, and random photos that include Uncle Buck's feet.

Episode 112 - Wiper Scams

Episode 112 Thumb

Ray Finkle here reporting on Day 67 of the HWIDG shutdown. Tab still refuses to budge on his wall issue. As you know, he is demanding a wall between the hosts. He still claims it will keep the "bad dudes" away from his "handles". In the other side of the debate is Tim, who is a proponent for the freedom of handlebreakers everywhere. He insists a wall would be useless, and that handlebreakers would find a way through even if the wall was established. But what about the people on the sidelines? Like HWIDG worker Todd. Without a podcast he's been forced back into a life of writing avant-garde ska punk albums about:

People Putting Stuff On Your Car
Influencers
Nostalgia Pandering
Non-Powered Tools

Don't you hate it when you're at the store, you come out to your car, and some jerk has painted a Frazetta-esque death wizard riding a dracolich into battle on your otherwise pristine 1996 Ford Windstar? What gall. You know, there's plenty of other ways for you to advertise your business. Just don't go slapping your stuff on my car. Once I got back in to my car just to find an entire furry blacklight rave going on. Now, I won't say I didn't join in, but c'mon, leave my car alone, people!

It's a little strange how we've begun to describe people in terms that are not untrue but bleakly straightforward. Influencers. Consumers. Content creators. As if we are machines in the Matrix. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B HAS BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF PROMOTION. CONSUMER RECURRENCE RATE GREATER THAN 67 PERCENT  NOTED. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B, MATRIX DELEGATION "XxxSonicChronic69xxX" HAS BEEN PROMOTED TO INFLUENCER 451811. BEGIN MONETARY FUNCTION CODENAME "KICKBACK". 

Remember this?! From your childhood?! We brought it back! Did the reboot flop?! Don't worry we've got all the old merch back again! And in 5 years we'll try again! You stupid, stupid sheep! You even know we're cashing in on your childhood memories but your tiny little brains are hell-bent on snatching up every little tchotchke we put out! Consumers! CONSUME! See you in 10 years when your kid is watching the 6th Thundercats reboot, the new Harry Potter TV show, and the Lord of the Rings remakes and you have to hatewatch all of them.

It's 2020 dammit. Why don't I have a little drone that follows me around and can spot weld exactly where I want? I want a screwdriver that doesn't even have a handle. Place it on a screw and let it do the work in half a second. Companies have put most the R&D for their power tools into their own custom pieces, bits, and batteries. But if we standardized at least the batteries, we could start making smarter, safer tools. Or you can hire some Mexicans I guess.

All this and more on this week's episode! 2/3 of us are sick, so look forward to that! We've got voicemails, news, a challenge(?), and some movies to vote on. Join us on DISCORD to catch our colds or support us on PATREON!

Episode 111 - Everybody Hurts

When there's something missing, folks call HWIDG Inc. Masters at finding the most obscure of the obscure, HWIDG Inc. boasts a 99% success rate. But every now and then, there are objects so slimy, so elusive, that even these experts fail to find any trace of their existence. Though rare, some of these slippery demons include: 

Putting it Back in the Box
Speeding Tickets
This 1988 Dr. Pepper Commercial
Celebrity YouTube

Some things, like Pandora's box, can't be closed once opened. Others, you just stare in amazement at how they packed it all in. Pre-lit Christmas tree? Impossible. The box is busting at the seems and covered in duct tape and rope. Inflatable mattress? The box looks swollen, and you keep the pump next to it instead. The solution? Burn it all. You need no possessions.

Speeding tickets, aka police department cash flow. It's the gateway crime. Best case scenario, you're a pure Angel and the officer is feeling good and you get a warning and drive purposefully slower for the rest of the day. Oh, but, is that a hint of weed I smell? Gotta check the whole car now. And I bet this is strawberry jelly, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before, "it's just an incredibly lifelike mannequin", "she tripped and fell into the jnife and ropes and into the trunk" tell it to the judge.

Usually, I'd put a humorous thing about Dr. Pepper or how the guy in the 1988 commercial dances here, but I wanna be real for a second. Growing up, Tab and Tim both recall seeing a PSA for abuse during those Saturday morning cartoon blocks. It was filmed in sepia tone, and set to R.E.M's song Everybody Hurts. They tried. They looked. Tim is still looking. He hasn't slept in 4 days. He's found obscure things from his childhood before and damn it he'll do it again. Anyways, let us know if you remember it as well. Maybe it's one of those Mandela effect things.

YouTube is not for you anymore. It's aimed at you though. It used to be a community. Now, it's a platform. And just like any platform, it's aim is to sell you subscriptions and feed you ads. And what way better to get you to stay there than those mythical beings that the masses fawn over, the Celebrity. If Will Smith vlogs, I can do it too! Yeah, but his payout isn't even a drop in his bucket, and you'll take years to get 1,000,000 subs, and that's if you're one of the ones that even gain a following. Newsflash, he's got a whole team helping him out. Your webcam isn't the same as a Blackmagic Pocket Cinema in 4K.

All this and more on this week's episode, including some behind the scenes commentary tales. For even more HWIDG you can support us on PATREON, or check out our DISCORD!

Episode 110 - Saved by Dolphins

Episode 110 Thumb

New year, new us! No longer is Tab full of rage, he's committed himself to a life of zen, and has sworn a vow of silence. On the other hand, Tim the Handlebreaker has taken his collection of broken handles and is putting them to good use. If you find yourself without a handle, there's only one man to call: Tim the Handlegiver. Join these two renewed men as they deliver deep into the world of incredible celebrity near-death experiences and:

* Hiking
* Ruining the Classics
* Retired Action Heroes
* Taking a Baby to a Restaurant

Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Let's get away from electricity and central air, and rough it. We'll live like our caveman ancestors did. We'll relive their nomadic ways before the wheel, we'll climb this mountain or trail for......some reason. Why? Just… why? We invented all these niceties for a reason, and you just wanna ignore them for the hell of it? To eat granola bars and wear boots? To earn a merit badge and eat Wolf chili from a can? To get a tick on your taint and a mosquito bump every few inches? To get mauled by a cougar and have to cut your own arm off? Just download the hottest new survival game on Steam. Trust me, there’s plenty.

Hearing the phrase “a new 8K scan from the original negative” gets me rock hard like almost nothing else can. The way to deflate it? Motion smoothing. Additional CGI. Digital noise reduction. Aaaaaaaand it’s gone. Look, once you get the “bug” of being able to see this stuff, it’s more a curse than a gift. No one else in my household could tell that motion smoothing was happening and I died a little bit on the inside. Banding? What’s that? Poor color space? I don’t know what that is. Bad upscaling? Something’s wrong with the TV. Sigh.

Lieutenant, we need you to come back in. Your old nemesis is back and you’re the only one that can stop him. Ahh. Retired heroes. The trope to start all great action movies. You thought he was out of the military/government agency/shadow ops squad/paramilitary assassination group/illuminati, but they’ve got to bring him in one last time, and now it's personal. Why does it work? 2 things. Quick character history. He’s retired? That means he was good enough at what he did to do it a long time. Then, carte blanche to kill any and everyone. It’s bad enough they had to drag him out of retirement, but then there’s that extra push. Dead dog, dead wife, kidnapped daughter. As soon as that happens, he could bomb a nursery and you would still be rooting for him.

Speaking of nurseries, please, for the love of the god I don’t believe in, leave your kids there and don’t take them out to restaurants. You want to go out? Get a sitter. Can’t afford one? Then you can’t afford to go out either. Can’t find one in time? Tough luck. Pick up your phone and use Grubhub or Ubereats or what have you and eat in. Where people can’t hear your baby cry. Or, buy me an appetizer. Deal? You buy me an appetizer, and your kid gets one good cry. He does it again? Entree. Third time? Kid gets a punt in the head. Or you do. Either one’s fine with me.

All this and more on this brand spankin’ new 2019 episode! Voicemails! Voting! Dolphins! Don’t forget to check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more porpoise-related humor.

Episode 109 - Dunkin' & Jerkin'Ahhhhh.

Episode 109 Thumb

Come in out of the cold and warm yourself up by the fire. Here’s a mug of spiked cocoa and a new episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get. Let Santa listen to your worries and issues, all I ask in return is that you let me “eat your cookies” and let me show you my full sack, oh and you have to do it while ranting about:

* Subtweeting
* Not Admitting Your Biases
* Mobile Game Timers
* Abandoning the Final Frontier

Subtweeting! It’s like writing a nasty message about someone on a public bathroom mirror instead of saying it to their face. Confront them. Let them know what’s up. You’ll feel better and so will they, because they won’t get that terrible feeling that someone’s talking about them behind their back. Because you’ll be talking in front of their back, to their face.

Knowing one’s self is the first step on the path of enlightenment. Knowing your faults can help you tremendously. If you let your political leanings affect your judgement, just say so! Even your strongest haters will respect you a smidge more. Because someone that knows their own biases and can freely admit it, is someone you can trust.

You know what I hate? Waiting. What’s something you can do to fill time while waiting? A nice mobile game. But, then you reach a timer. The game that you’re using to fill time as you wait, wants you to wait on it! I say nay. Begone ye foul free to play device. Let me play at my leisure and serve me up some fresh ads, and then I can pay you $1.99 to get rid of them.

In these dangerous times. When the United States is currently locked in 14 separate wars across the globe, it is understandable that some operating budget must be divested from our space program and……. OK I’m being told we are *not* in 14 wars. Well then why does our military keep stealing NASA funds? Why have we stopped dreaming beyond our own sky? Why go to the moon and stop there? We may never know. But it’s a shame.

All this and more on this week’s episode. Voicemails! News! Housekeeping! Basketball! As always, you can support us on PATREON, and join our DISCORD!

Episode 108 - Australian History and Culture (ft. Dick Masterson)

Episode 108 Thumb

This is it! A milestone in the world of podcasting, Here’s What I Don’t Get is proud to be the first ever podcast to reach 108 episodes! A feat only possible due to the strong bonds of friendship and anger that unite us. Unfortunately, we must also announce that due to a personal schism between Tab and Tim, Tab will be stepping down and Tim will be retooling the podcast as an actual play Shadowrun podcast. So get your leather jacket, your cyber-katana, and roll an Elf Decker and get ready to jack into a Megacorp and shut it down from the inside with your crew:

* Greedy Nintendo
* Boob Drop GIFs That Are Too Slow
* A Lack of Curiosity

Nintendo, the bastion of family friendly gaming! The pinnacle of gamer nostalgia! The harbinger of the accessory nickel-and-dime future? That’s right! Because a set of Joy-Cons for the Switch will run you (corrected price adjusted from recording) SEVENTY NINE AMERICAN DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE COPPER PIECES. And if the overcharge wasn’t enough? They can’t even be assed to throw in the cheap plastic shell that turns them into a semblance of an actual controller. I’m not asking for the fancy charging one, either. Just the lump of plastic. You know, the one that comes with the system, but whose only purpose is for the controllers themselves? Yeah. Oh, and throw in a damn charger for the 3DS while you’re at it. It might be more understandable if it was USB, but its NOT. Jackholes.

Every great piece of media follows a very simple rule. Grab their attention immediately. You get them at the beginning, and then you’ve got them in the palm of your hand. It’s much harder to slowly and agonizingly pull them limply along while they’re expecting to be dazzled from the beginning. Enter the GIF. The internet’s moving image file. A fast way to quickly communicate complex emotions and shared cultural touchstones. The GIF should be the epitome of attention grabbing! You don’t watch whole videos or movies through GIFs, you cut out all the fat and gristle to leave the juicy nugget of steak. And what are half of the GIFs on the internet used for? Pornography, that’s right. They’re SUPPOSED to get you right to where you wanna be if you know what I mean. So why would you use them to blue ball your viewers? Get to the good stuff. Pronto. I’ve got to be back in my office in 2 minutes.

Everyone knows “the questions” you ask when meeting new people. Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have any siblings? What are your hobbies? Etcetera, etcetera. You exchange these pleasantries, and in most cases you probably won’t see them again, but on the off chance you do, you’ve got something to talk about next time. But some people, they’re not question askers. It’s like they’re only programmed to answer them. They go on and on about themelves, whereas a normal, well adjusted adult knows the song and dance you’re supposed to play. Imagine it’s an actual dance floor. Most people get up there and dance with everyone else. Others? Well they pound a bottle of JD and shove their way to the center and proceed to projectile vomit all over the floor.

All this and more on this week’s gargantuan, milestone episode! Voicemails, wacky news, and more! As always, if you would like to support us you can do that on PATREON, or come join us on DISCORD and hang out!

Episode 107 - J for Jesus

Episode 107 Thumb

Welcome back folks, to Here's What I Don't Get, America's favorite game show! I'm your host Chip Folksworth, and boy do we have a show for you. Tonight, we begin by welcoming back last week's contestant, who is on a five week run, it's Brian! Go ahead and wheel him out, Jim! Now, Brian can't quite see or hear anymore, so we've got a handy-dandy translator spelling into his palm. Thanks, Janice. Now, tonight, Brian has reached Level 9! And as we all know, Level 9 is the......RUSH ROUND! That's right, Brian is going to have to complete all eight previous challenges as fast as he can, all while avoiding The Decimator! So, Brian, are you ready to do the Destruction Derby, Home Run Challenge, Piranha Speed Swim, CIA Torture Rally, Ice Cream Marathon, Bomb Defusal, Nose Hair Pluck, and Napalm Slip N' Slide all over again?! No? Now Brian, remember, you've got the chance to win $2,500. No? Well, that's it folks! Back to Guantanamo he goes! Rich, tell the folks what he's won:

* Risk Aversion
* Fire Alarms
* Patio Eating
* Bad Trailer Music

Daredevils. Risk-takers. Everyone wants to be one, but nobody wants to be one, you dig? Humans are genetically programmed to want safety. To want routines. The second something interferes with that, you get a buzzing at the back of your skull that warns you. Don’t make that phone call, don’t meet that person, don’t dye your hair. Fear of the unknown paralyzes us into non-action, scared of consequences that will, in all likelihood, never come. Now that you are armed with this knowledge, go! Go out into the world and say YES to whatever it may be. But first maybe finish binging that Netflix show. And its Third Season. And the spin-off. Okay, maybe just stay indoors forever.

FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE! Did you get up out of your chair and run to the nearest exit? No? Why not? Not exciting enough? Well, most fire alarms are just about as effective. Unless you’ve got the demon-in-a-box that Tim has. That’s what every building needs to switch to, a demon in a box. Literally. If a literal demon burst into your office smelling of brimstone, yelling at the top of its lungs, you’d HAUL ASS out the nearest door. 

What’s a patio good for? Nothing. We’re evolved beings. We literally invented ways of building shelter just to not have to eat in the rain. So you tell me you want to eat out on the patio? In the sun and heat? With bugs everywhere? Where cars just zoom by, sending CO2 directly down our throats? On uncomfortable metal chairs? Are you out of your mind? How about I have the chef come out and cook your food directly on the sidewalk? Is that outside enough for you? Enjoy your gravel omelette.

The music in a trailer makes or breaks the experience. Sure you could watch a trailer muted and get 50% of the enjoyment, but the other 50% is brought by that music. So, when something you’re looking forward to really drops the ball on matching the music to the action, it can be a real bummer. Whether it’s mismatched energy, or another hackneyed, slow, depressing cover of an otherwise great pop song, you’re losing sales.

Plus more on this salsa-filled episode! We’ve got this month’s movie commentary nominees, your voicemails, crazy news and more! As always, check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more phat lifted trucks.

Episode 106 - Apex Predators

Episode 106 Thumb

Nature. Man’s deadliest foe. Though he had conquered it by the early 21st century, that was before the ravaging. Before the collapse of civilized societies. Now, man is outmatched. Take for instance, the deadly chipmunk. Small though it may be, it can be as vicious on land as the king of the ocean, the mighty manatee. Foraging poisonous legumes during the day, and feeding on them to gain invulnerability at night, we can only guess how many thousands of us are killed each year. Stories are told of this next animal moving in swarms of hundreds in the sky. Though now extinct, we can only surmise by its skeleton, the fearsome cat once ruled the Earth. Current scholars in 2322 are still befuddled what they did fall prey to. Was it some disease? Or did early Ravaging-era humans overcome all odd and defeat these monstrous flying beasts? It seems we’ll never know. On next week’s holovid, join us as we take a look at ancient pre-Ravaging rituals like:

* Upstagers
* Consequences after the Credits
* The Tumblr Ban
* Vegans

Someone’s always got it worse than you. Or better. That’s just how it is. In nearly every group of people, someone has to be the upstager. You went on a vacation cruise? Oh yeah, well they went on a cruise that turns into a submarine and they found the lost city of Atlantis. You feel a little sick, might take off work tomorrow? Well, they’re running a fever of 109 and can’t feel the left side of their body and might take a year or two off. There’s only one kind of person who can never be upstaged: an astronaut. That’s right, anyone tries to upstage you? Well….you walked on the moon.

The credits roll. Now what? Maybe a funny post-credits gag, maybe a tease for the sequel, but what happens to everyone? Action or horror movie? There’s dead people everywhere. Blood and gore spewed about. The police are gonna believe that some dream demon with knife-hands and a nice sweater killed all these teenagers? Yeah, good luck with that. They’re gonna put the neighborhood weirdo on trial instead. FBI agent really isn’t gonna get hounded for killing dozens of terrorists in the most extreme way possible? Why didn’t you call in for backup Doug? We had three whole SWAT teams at the wait for you. I can’t believe it.

I’m sorry, this is a christian server. Put your filth elsewhere. Tumblr’s new slogan! Once known for filthy gifs and horny sketches of the brothers from Supernatural doing very un-brotherly things, now it’ll be known as dead. Even if the people that use it just to share funny gifs of their favorite shows would stay, they held a giant party celebrating the burning of all their bridges. But for now, until those Green Lantern/Sonic shippers find somewhere else to argue, you can have some fun looking at all the mundane things their system has flagged as NSFW.

Vegans? More like ME-gans, because being vegan consumes you. It’s like vampirism except lame. You have to constantly think about where you’re gonna get your next meal if it’s not at home. You have to make sure nothing has even touched a bit of silver or garlic. It goes from being your diet to being your personality. Your reflection disappears, you gain the ability to turn into both a wolf and a swarm of bats, you constantly have to fight off members of the Richter family, you can fly and set stuff on fire and command humans with your mind, wait- this is starting to sound pretty sweet. BRING ON THE KALE!

And more on this weeks episode! Voicemails, news, and imitations abound! Thanks for all of you that support the show, and if you haven’t already you can check us out on PATREON and DISCORD.

Episode 105 - Wonderwall 4 Jesus

Episode 105 Thumb

Come with me on a journey. A journey to a place where everyone is sick, the ground is littered with used tissues, noses are red, and your box of medicine constantly looks like it's been ransacked. A land of broth and cracker meals, and muscles too weak to carry body to the shower. This is Flu and Cold season. Buckle up and see how long my eyes can fight this Benadryl. Oh also we talk about this stuff on the podcast:

* Clothes Sizing
* Corporate Communal Property
* Christian Rock
* Lego Ghostbusters Woes

Clothes don't fit. You need new ones but the sizes. They're all crazy people. Too short too long, tight here but not there why? Just make the shirts the same sizes. And the pants.

The scooters are everywhere. On the streets getting the childrens hooked on scooting. I am declaring war on anybody who rents scoots to the community. If I catch you renting scoots I will not consider you a brother nor a friend.

Rockin for Jesus ain't cool. You're not making Jesus cool, you're making rock lame. Please don't rock 4 Jesus unless one of those Christian rock labels give you lots of money, then sing about great he is and that he loves you and you get on your knees and " praise" him. But haha it's not Jesus it's some dude named Craig.

Please make the Ghostbusters Legos good. Tab had been very good boy this year Danish Santa. He buy the Lego but they don't fit. He wanna close the door please. He cry. He say he don't but he cry when car don't fit. Please.

And more on the podcast. We got your voicemails and bacon. DISCORD and PATREON please. Thank you.

Episode 104

Episode 104 Thumb

This is it! We made it to two years! Everyone at Here's What I Don't Get Inc are very proud to share this momentous occasion with you, our loyal fans. And to that end we have a very special announcement for you. Introducing HWIDG+! Our new system HWIDG+ works just like the podcast currently does, for the low price of 49.99 a month! On the other hand, you can use HWIDG Free, which grants you the first 5 minutes of the podcast for absolutely free! Just add another 4.99 for every 5 minute increment more you want to add! We believe this adjustment to our system is best for both us and you. This gives you total control on just how you want your podcast experience to be. We know everyone will be completely on board with this and it won't start riots online and in the streets, guaranteed! So, enjoy it for 2 weeks before we revert back to the old way all while putting the entire blame on you and:

* Burning the Coffee Pot
* Too Many Emails
* Useless Soundboard Customer Support
* Black Month

Coffee! Some can't live without it, and the rest of us don't get the runs. It's a very personal experience making coffee. What kind of bean, what kind of roast, how strong do you make your cup, do you add any sugar or cream? Now introduce that into an office environment and prepare to settle for crap. If that wasn't bad enough, office kitchen behavior is worse than a dorm room's. Stolen food, mugs, and plates abound, all while people ignore their dirty dishes, or worse, leave that little bit of coffee in the pot and let it turn into sludge. Try as you might, it's gonna happen. I bet the people that work at the offices of coffee manufacturers have to put up with this crap too.

If I buy something, I want a maximum of two emails, and even that's pushing it. Order received, order shipped. It's not tough. I don't need 50 emails because I ordered multiple items. I don't need individual invoices for every jellybean in a two pound bag, that would be absurd, but it sure feels like that's what you get sometimes. Not to mention the after-arrival begging stage. "Did your item arrive in good condition?" "Are you satisfied with your purchase?" "Here are other things you might like based on your recent purchase!" "Please rate us 5 stars!" How about I rate you a nice negative 7 stars and report you for filling my inbox with spam?

It sounds great doesn't it? The person that sold me this expensive item will let me call them, free of charge, and they'll help me fix it? It's a pipe dream. You get the run around more than the guy from Blues Traveler. And that's if they don't block you immediately. "Sir you need to call a different number." THEN WHY IS THIS NUMBER LISTED UNDER CUSTOMER SERVICE? And they never actually know what to do. You're better off consulting other owners online about it. At most the customer service rep has the same manual you do, and treats it as gospel. If that don't work, well, "you can always upgrade to our new product".

Cyber Monday, Ruby Tuesday, Ash Wednesday, Thanksgiving Thursday, Black Friday, Small Business Saturday, Good Sunday. We sure like to name days don't we? WELL BUCKLE UP, CAUSE THEY DON'T MATTER ANYMORE. FROM HERE ON OUT, IT'S BLACK FRIDAY 24/7. That's right! No longer limited to one day, we are legally changing the names of all the days to Black Friday. This way, you can have amazing deals whenever you want! Black Friday all year long! Nothing has meaning! What purpose is there to life!? Think about your eventual non-existence in a wooden box. You will never live in the future. Your life means nothing to the universe! It means nothing to humanity, and humanity means nothing to time. If any deity should be worshiped it's time, and you can do so with these INCREDIBLE BLACK FRIDAY DEAL ON ALARM CLOCKS!

As always, we listen to your voicemails, and more on this week's celebratory episode. A big thanks to all the listeners who keep us and this podcast going. Check out the DISCORD, check out the PATREON, you know the deal, and we'll see you for 104 more episodes.

Episode 103 - Hilary Clinton's Secret Lizard Baby

Episode 103 Thumb

This is your captain speaking, thank you for flying HWIDG Airlines. I know most of you are looking forward to getting home, but first we gotta go through a couple of rules. First of all, everyone will be happy to know we've met our FAA mandated minimum screaming baby count for today! Second, congratulations to Harold Weiss who gets the lucky seat directly accross from the restroom. Your nose will be partying tonight! Thirdly, unfortunately we are out of Dr. Pepper and salted peanuts, I know, I know but we do have these lovely replacements:

* Being Sick
* Tabloids
* The Quiet Man
* The Peter Principle

Being sick. Not like, hospital sick, but just sick enough that you get all lethargic and tired, achy, and able to do most things but it sucks to do anything. It sucks. It’s like on Star Trek when Geordie needs to make repairs to something, so they can’t warp anywhere, stuck in the middle of nowhere space unable to do anything. At least then it usually leads to a cool holodeck episode. In real life, it leads to colors of bodily fluids you didn’t think were possible. Most of the time all you can do is the old RX cocktail and push through it. So heat up some broth, slap some vapor rub on your chest, curl up in bed, and prepare to get a lot of sleep, but the bad, interrupted kind of sleep.

In today's news, we've got photos you won't believe! We found a wormhole to 1953 and it's inside Madcucks' crown?! Also, an update on Michelle Obama's secret love affair with the ghost of Jacob Marley! But first up, corrections! Last week we told you about a John Lennon sighting at a dinner in Lawrence, Kansas. We're sorry to tell everyone that it was not the former Beatle, but instead it was the thought-to-be-formerly-fictional character Harry Potter. Sources say the line cook was magically turned into a rabbit, who still smokes a pack a day.

Millions of dollars. Square Enix put in millions of dollars to make the pile of dung known as The Quiet Man. Buggy, ugly, terrible combat, short but still too long, all of this would've made for just a bad game, but they topped themselves but plastering a low pass filter over ALL sound in the game, rendering it sounding like your headphones are halfway unplugged, and it's made even WORSE by having a subtitle option that doesn't work. That's right, you play as a deaf man that can read lips and sign, but screw you if you want to understand any of it. The kicker? "Wait a week and we'll patch the sound back in for new game plus mode."

Management skills must be taught. Those that are already good at it? They learned it somehow. You can't just promote someone that's good at something into being the head of that department, managing others do that thing. It doesn't work that way. Chances are they don't even want to manage, but it's moving up, which is a good thing. Here's a tip, if they're so good at it, why would you want then to stop doing it and manage others that do lesser work. Just pay that person a bit more, and everyone will be happier.

As always, we've got all this and more on this week's episode! Including voicemails, the December battle royale finalists, and spooky ghost stories! Thanks to everyone that supports the podcast, and don't forget to check out our PATREON and DISCORD!

Episode 102 - Blind

Episode 102 Thumb

By day, he's a mild-mannered lighting designer, but by night, he fights crime as The Blind Rage! Blinded in a freak theater catwalk accident, Tab struggles to adapt to his new life as a hideous monster, almost inhuman. One night, he comes across a mugging in an alley. Something inside him flares up, his rage now giving him a form of almost-sight. Hiding his hideous face, he swiftly apprehends the mugger, giving birth to his alter ego! Now, he watches over his city, protecting it from threats like:

* Too Good to Be True
* Breaking the Voting Wall
* Charity
* Unwanted Mosh Pits

Chances are, if something sounds too good to be true, it is. That's just the way the world works. Even if everything works out with whatever it may be, something else will certainly come along and mar it. There are always strings attached, but they're usually hidden very well. And all this is worse than just some other poor occurrence, because it tags along. Example: a piece of poop on your carpet. It stinks, but you've got to buck up and deal with it the best you can. Then on the other hand, you're given a delicious slice of cake. You bite in, only to discover that it's poo flavored. See?

Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote. Vote or die because every vote counts. Maybe it would somewhere where everyone voted. Somewhere with more than two parties in power. But that's not here. Sure, there are swing states that flip between parties every few years. There your vote might count. But if you're a republican in California or New York? Good luck. Democrat in Alabama or Mississippi? Why bother? You really thought the Blue Wave could topple fifty plus straight years of Republican rule in a midterm election? Please. Each side will try to gain power every 6 to 8 years, and then it'll flip, repeat ad nauseum.

Let's talk about charity. That's right, it's the time of year for giving. Giving your money to CEOs and hoping they'll trickle down just a lil bit of it to sick kids, epileptic dogs, or whatever is the new hotness. Operating cost is the real charity. If you take 80 percent of the millions and millions of dollars people donate to you for cancer research and *don't* spend it on cancer research, you're not a charity. You're just a business. Regular businesses give to charity to write off some taxes every year anyways. Are those then charities? What percentage of your income needs to go to some good cause in order for you to be a charity?  I say a bit more than 20 percent.

This week's forecast is grim. We've got a rogue mosh pit coming in from the south east at around 20 slams per hour. Now, there's a chance it could pick up speed due to the lack of security this year, and if that happens we could see it turn into a wall of death, and none of us want that, you remember the one that hit us in '04? So I urge all of you to stay away of it's path, even on the outskirts it can be real bothersome. There could be beer showers, strong winds, high speed debris, and even more. Of course I'm a weatherman, so take anything I take with a grain of salt.

Plus, voicemails, news and much more on this week's episode with in-studio guest, musician Ethan Cantrell! As always check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 101 - Dingle Dangle My Dongle

Episode 101 Thumb

Halloween is over. But the frights aren’t. It’s November 1st 2019, the deadliest day in America. Millions flock to stores, shoving and trampling one another for the chance to get the ultimate prize: discount candy. In light of the carnage, a new law is passed. From 7 AM to Midnight of November 1st, citizens of the United States are allowed to gather and horde as much discount Halloween candy as they please, and are able to defend it at any cost. That five pound bag of Swedish Fish is *mine* and I will gut anyone that tries to take it. This Fall, get ready for The Purge: Sweet Tooth. Starring:
* Controllers
* Discord
* No Dark Mode
* Dongles

The home gaming system. Small, light, easy to use. Plug it in and get playing. The 80’s set the standard for games to come. Then the 90’s roll around. Still increasingly popular, but games become more complex, so they add more buttons. In some cases even those were not enough. In Batman Forever for SNES, the much needed grappling hook is placed on the SELECT button. Then we enter the 3D era, cameras become an integral part of games. We try a stick and four buttons, then two sticks. Success! Except… games become more and more complex. More than we ever thought possible. Yet, fundamentally the PS4’s controller is the same as back in 1997. 20 years of stagnancy, while games become more and more involved. We’re holding triggers and using radial menus. We’re using the d-pad to do eight different things between holds and taps. But there’s one kind of gamer that’s been comfortable all these years. The keyboard warrior. Ultimate customization, more buttons than ARMA can throw a stick at.

Discord, oh Discord. When I first booted you up, it was a godsend. Steam Groups were terrible. No logs, constant disconnections that they wouldn’t notify you of, general jankness everywhere. Your cute loading screen phrases were L33T $P3/\K, but ignorable. You were Slack for gaming buddies. You upgraded servers, introduced more options, things were great. Then, you realized you couldn’t grow and stay free. So you introduced a subscription service with extras. No one cared. Yet, still you grew. You had to do something. And you chose the one thing no one wanted. No one wants ANOTHER platform for their games. You had it, man. You had made IRC obsolete, you forced Steam to upgrade their chat system. YOU FORCED STEAM TO DO SOMETHING. Almost unheard of. You could have made the best communication app there was, but you got greedy. And now you’re going down the drain.

As I sit here and type these write ups every week, my life is slowly wasting away. I mean, everyone’s is, but what is a life without eyesight? Why is my eyesight dwindling? The lack of Dark Modes. I spend a lot of time writing in Evernote. It’s free and syncs across all my devices. You think, since it’s been around for years, they’d get around to implementing a dark mode, but nope. It’s been the most requested feature since 2012, but screw your users, right? Even worse, the widget for it on my phone? 2 separate dark modes to choose from, just on the widget though. The desktop app? It’s main menu is in dark mode, but none of the rest of it is. I use F.lux’s dark room mode once the migraine starts to hit. I use a dark mode extension on chrome for websites. I’ve learned to look at color-inverted photos and imagine what they actually look like. It’s almost a fun game, but I’m doing it not to be literally stabbing my eyes out.

Dongle. It’s a funny word for sure. Say it in any way other than frustration at work, and you’ve got a sexual harassment lawsuit on your hands. The masses want sleek and sexy. Thinner and thinner devices! Until it gets in their way. Our USB ports are smaller and thinner, our power adapter ports are circles no more! An SD card reader is too thick. LET ME REPEAT THAT. AN SD CARD IS NOW TOO THICK FOR MODERN LAPTOPS. All this means dongles. Dongles everywhere. More dongles than an Instagram thot’s DMs. Eventually we’re going to have to carry around a giant key ring like a school janitor, but with dongles instead. Because ports aren’t sexy enough.

And more on this week’s episode of the podcast! Including: your voicemails, your late voicemails, and a rundown of December’s Battle Royale Movie Voting. As always thanks for those that support us on PATREON and chat with us in DISCORD, and if that’s not you, consider joining us! 

Episode 100 - Syndication!

Episode 100 Thumb

Coming this fall to FOX, it's Here's What I Don't Get, the sitcom! Tim and Tab are two regular guys, but when their podcast hits the big-time, wacky hijinks are bound to happen! Complete with unnecessary fake studio audience, wacky neighbors, and cameo guest spots from other sitcoms! And best of all, because it's FOX, it's guaranteed to be an internet darling but not get many views because the premise is interesting, but not that interesting to the mass public, so we guarantee only one season! Watch as they stumble through life, dealing with:

* Resellers
* Drunk Old Heads
* Online Garage Sales
* Forced Stealth Sections

Artificial scarcity leads to scalpers and resellers. People that take product out of the hands of people that actually want it, just to make a quick buck. Literally taking candy out of babies' mouths. Gaming the system so you can't game on your system. Lego, limited edition games and systems, CHILDREN'S TOYS, grown men buying them up to sell at 3 times the price to hard working parents just wanting to make their kids happy. Yay capitalism.

Hey man, I was there in 93 when their demo came out. I saw their first show in Abilene when they had to play each song twice just to have a full set. Have I listened to anything after the second album? No, they sold out mannnnnnn. They lost their edge once they got more fans. They're playing in town tonight? Cool, I'm gonna go, get absolutely plastered until they play the one I know, then I'll violently shove my way up to the front and spill beer all over your new merch, because I WAS THERE MAN!

Craigslist! The go to place for poorly kept cars, free curbside furniture, and dudes that want to take pictures of your feet stepping on a cake. Also home to listings up days after the item's been sold, sellers that don't answer questions, and buyers that flake on you or want you to go well out of your way for an item worth less than the gas money. eBay is just as bad, it's basically just a storefront these days, everything is buy it now or you can bid until the price surpasses the buy it now price. Wanna sell something there? Good luck, chances are the buyer will get it then file a claim they didn't, and you'll be forced to give them their money back because eBay always sides with the buyer.

Stealth, when it's part of your kit, it can be one of the most satisfying parts of a game. When it's forced on you? The most frustrating. Whether it's instant death turrets, invulnerable demon knights, or making you play as a weaker character with none of your main character's awesome arsenal, forcing it on you always feels bad. It takes that sense of control away from you, and at that point it might as well be a cutscene.

And more, all on this special episode of HWIDG! Voicemails! News! Movie commentary announcement! Everything kept 💯! Here's to another 100 episodes! As always, you can join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON.  

Episode 99 - Not Canon

Episode 99 Thumb

The multiverse. Universes layered on top of each other, singing in different frequencies, never coming in contact. The hero of Earth Prime, The Rage Machine, protects his section of his universe, unaware of the vast tapestry of worlds that lies around him. But one day, a rift in space opens above his hometown. Out comes The Handlebreaker. A villainous destroyer of Earths throughout the multiverse. When The Rage Machine arrives to investigate, he learns of the diabolical plans, the concept of parallel Universes, and...... love? Yes, when these two rivals in every other sense get together, nothing can stop the inevitable. Their children will rule the multiverse and be named:

Diet Food
Getting Lost
Picking Scabs (Warning: this one gets gross)
Fanfiction

Diet versions of food and drink. Either they're indistinguishable and therefore still not healthy, or they don't taste like the original at all and therefore are healthy but terrible. They're made for weak people that can't live without their soda and cookies. And usually they eat/drink the amount of the diet product needed to surpass the calories of the original! If all we had we're diet foods, we'd be exactly the same, and we'd have diet diet foods.

Getting lost in life stinks. The days blur together, you think you have no one to talk to, and you bottle up everything inside. At least for guys that's how it is. Societally we can't show weakness, we can't ask for help, god forbid we see a professional about it. And I don't wanna sound like an antidepressant infomercial, but you can! You can do all those things, and if anyone around you says otherwise, they're not worth your time. 

Why do we pick at our cuts, poke at our bruises, scratch at our bug bites? Why is it so fascinating to peel off that big scab? I chalk it up to natural human curiosity. The human body is crazy, and seeing it work for that short time, healing up that wound can be very interesting. We usually don't get to see past the skin.

"Sonic the Hedgehog gets knocked on the head and wakes up on the bridge of the Enterprise-D! He falls in love with Commander Worf, but Lt. Data won't allow it! So Data opens up a rift in time and space and brings mild mannered reporter for the Daily Bugle, Clark Kent to help stop the blue menace." - The Blue Blur Meets the Blue and Red Blur, Chapter 1/8,235. 4.2 Stars. Now a major motion picture!

And your voicemails, and news, and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary, which of course is being recorded this month, so if you wanted a Thanksgiving movie you should have suggested next month. November's commentary will be on a Halloween horror movie, it's very simple people, what don't you get! Support the show on PATREON or join the DISCORD for more fun!

Episode 98 - 4K 360 3D Jellyfish

Episode 98 Thumb

Here we see the podcast known as Hereswhatidontgetasaurus. It walked the Earth around 40 million years ago and was the apex predator of its time. The horns on its head were used to spear prey that walked too slow in front of it. Unfortunately, the Hereswhatidontgetasaurus was driven into extinction by it's own self. They were prone to fits of rage that frequently ended with it charging off of cliffs or into bodies of water. Some of it's common prey included:

Break Ups
Phone VR
The End of the World
The Restart Dilemma

Grab a pint or two of Chunky Monkey and turn up the Adele, cause it's time to cry your eyes out over what was and what could have been. Drink the sorrows away, but be weary or else you'll wind up leaving 17 drunk voicemails. But, once you've sobered up, it's a new day and It's time to get back on that horse, bucko. Hit up Tinder or Grindr and pound your sadness away. Maybe try some new stuff out! You never know, you just might end up really liking the buzz that the car battery adds to those nipple clamps.

Virtual Reality! It's been the future of interactive technology for more than 30 years! But now, it's at its most advanced and most popular! It's never been better! You can even take your phone and a 6 dollar cardboard set and dip your toes into the VR world. But don't. Phone VR sucks. You can buy the best phone with the best screen, the best headset, but by that point you've spent enough to buy the top of the line full VR headset, with special made controllers and everything! Phone VR, if you can get it to work, is at best a 5 dollar county fair attraction.

Forget the Mayans, 2018 Twitter is the best predictor of the Apocalypse. The problem? It's every day. Funny enough, the days come and go, and yet, no Apocalypse. And believe me, I've ingested a LOT of apocalyptic and post-apocalyptic media. And it's not a one sided problem. Every time each side takes a modicum of power or control, the crazies come out. Remember the militias that were ready to overthrow the government in 2016? Yeah, me either.

You start reading a book, you're a couple chapters in, but then a new season of Ghost Hunters starts up and you forget. Then you get addicted to the new battle royale game, and that takes up all your time. A year and a half later, you get the itch to pick it up again. What do you do? Do you start from the beginning? Or do you pick up right where you left off, piecing together your memories of it like Jason Bourne? What if you weren't a couple chapters in, what if it was more like 3/4ths and it's 1200 pages long?

All this and more on this week's episode. Don't forget to vote for next month's movie commentary. And as always, you can join us at DISCORD, and support the show on PATREON.

Episode 97 - The Oil Man (feat. Allan from Not For Human Consumption)

Episode 97 Thumb

1458 A.D. China. The warlords of Peking are locked in battle as they have been for the last three years. The spoils being fought for? A book. A tome containing the secrets of the legendary fighting style known as Here’s What I Don’t Get. To the North, the Empire of Tab and its ferocious warriors with their ‘rage’ style. To the South, General Tim and his crew of soldiers that he purposefully starves until they reach their breaking point, to harness the ‘Handlebreaker’ energy. For the last three years they have gone back and forth, trading victories, until now. A third party arrives. A pirate crew, led by Captain Allan from the distant land of Not For Human Consumption have their eyes on the mythical book. And they will do anything to get their hands on it, including:

* Bad Scheduling
* Beer Shaming
* Spoofing

Employees are not cogs in a machine. Yet time and time again, it seems that everyone has horror stories about getting screwed over by their work schedule. Being made to work extra late, then back the next day at 8 AM sharp with nothing to do. Planning a day off, then getting a call “strongly suggesting” you cover someone’s shift. Why does this happen? I’ll tell you why. Revenge. The same people that plan your schedule and then mess it up have been wronged. Severely. They’ve gone through the worst schedules you can think of, and they have nothing in their life worth living for other than your misery. Or they’re just d-holes. What’s a manly man’s drink? It’s not whiskey, or rye, or a craft microbrew. It’s whatever he’s holding in his hand. Unless you have some mutant superpower to taste every single molecule that comes across your tongue, for the most part, the varieties of alcohol all taste the same. They’re just there to get you drunk anyways, who cares what it is. If someone likes their drinks to actually taste good, let them drink that rainbow of liqueurs. If someone just wants to get drunk on the cheap, that Natty Light is gonna get the job done, no fruit peels or decanters needed. Just drink what you have and shut up.

95% of the average person’s calls these days are telemarketers. Telemarketers with spoofed numbers. And that can cause all kinds of problems. Calls to you from people that called by your number, or telemarketers that immediately flip on the racism switch and call you the n-word dozens of times because you had the audacity to call them a bad person. Tab knows what to do with these people, and its a lot like what happens to the guy in Metallica’s One video. It’s quite terrible, and he knows it, but are they deserving of it? Probably. IF you’ve got any torture suggestions feel free to call in and leave us a voicemail! That and more on this special episode. Check out this month’s movie commentary if you haven’t yet, and suggest something for next month’s commentary too! Join us at DISCORD, or support us on PATREON.