Episode 73 - Gotta Captcha 'Em All

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The year is 20XX. Machines have taken over the world. The human resistance Here’s What I Don’t Get has been forced into the subway tunnels underneath New York City. They thought they were safe down there. They were wrong. One day while searching the subway, they came across an odd room. Filled with empty pizza boxes, skateboards, and martial arts equipment, they had stumbled upon a lair. From the back room four shadowy figures emerged, weapons raised. The resistance had found what they needed to turn the fight around. Four adolescent, genetically altered, warrior reptiles named:
* Captcha
* Mobile Redirects
* Removing Functionality for the App
* Phone Keyboards

Resistance leader John Condor, day 724 of Robot rule. Voice log entry 724F. Our defenses continue to hold against the clankers. Our security checkpoints somehow have prevented them from passing despite their technological superiority. June, our hacker, rigged up some sort of optical camouflage for some of the checkpoints. Looks like distorted letters and numbers on top of a wavy multi-colored background interferes with their optical sensors. Some of the other checkpoints have a simple button mechanism that miraculously stops them as well. And even if they were to somehow bypass the gates, only us humans can follow the road signs back to the base.

Log entry 728A. We’ve survived another night of hunts. A few injuries here and there, but luckily no casualties. Checking our supply inventory on our secure intranet has been... iffy as of late. I need to check with our tech guy Jorge, but every time I go to check the supply list it pulls up some list keeping application that wants me to make an account and log in. I don’t want to do that. Then when I go back I’ve got to do this convoluted dance to get stuff checked. It’s just a nightmare. I thought we left this stuff back in the old world. Condor out.

Log entry 728B. I JUST GOT DONE TRYING TO CHECK SUPPLIES, WENT ON TO OUR MED UNIT STATS AND THEY WERE GONE AND JORGE SAYS I’VE GOT TO USE A SEPARATE DAMN MEDICAL APPLICATION TO DO THAT. It’s quote, more efficient that way. Now I’ve got all these different programs to go back and forth through instead of just using the old one that had it all. I swear, I’d rather go up top and fight those bolt lickers with my bare hands than deal with this crap. Out.

Log entry 728H. This damn holo-tablet’s gonna be the death of me, I swear. I spend more time yelling at it than I do my soldiers. All the dust down here clouds up the keyboard sensor and makes typing anything in damn near impossible. Even when it’s clean the damn thing barely works. Clicking around on things I don’t click on. I’m getting old, my hands are all banged up from the war and you need some damn surgeon’s hands just to use the thing. That’s why I switched to these voice logs in the first place. Need Jorge to cook me up a voice controller for this thing. Out.

Things have been looking up for us ever since we met those nasty toad looking’ fellas down here. They can kick some gear head ass I tell you. Anyways, I need to remember to put in my vote for movie night next month. And I should pop in to the mess hall more often, see what they’re talking about https://discord.gg/pMsdPQm, see if I can’t spare some change for their hard work Patreon.com/HWIDG .

Episode 72 - Bathroom Whiskey

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Shhhhhhhhh. Quiet. Joe, bring the camera over here. Okay, so we're here in the thick of the jungle. It's hot, it's humid, but, we've just spotted a wild episode of Here's What I Dont Get. Now, you don't see these too often, they usually keep to themselves, but every now and then they come out to hunt for issues. Looks like that's what this guy is doing. Tracking, hunting, providing for his family. Let's watch as he sneaks up on these issues:
- The Inconvenience of Home Repair
- Downplaying Important Life Events
- Stall Callers
- Ice

I learned two things from watching the show Home Improvement when I was younger. One, Jonathan Taylor Thomas was the epitome of teen heartthrob hotness, and two, home repair is a scary, dangerous art that must only be wielded by the learned masters of it. The movement of large furniture to where it does not belong, and the ability to create impassable barriers to whole sections of houses are just two of the many feats these masters must learn and hone. "I am startled to discover each day the myriad of fears that rule my reality. One by one I challenge myself to face them so they do not materialize as damage to my physical side." - Tim Allen on the physical manifestation of fear, 2005.

Life is full of choices. Sometimes the ones you make can lead to unique and interesting events that change who you are fundamentally, but not everyone can see that. You explain to someone what you've been through, and they sound about as enthused as they would be at a doctor's visit. But as soon as you announce a marriage or a baby (you know, those things just about everyone eventually does) they're over the moon. Jesus lady, I hope you can muster up some semblance of emotion at my funeral at least. How about my death, is that an important enough life event for you? "Somehow I feel life is prepping us for the next phase of this energy field. So death must be and remain a surprise." -Tim Allen on the afterlife, 2008.

Public restrooms. A necessary evil. We all know what they're meant for, and we all know that they're used for things that aren't that. Drugs, sex, and casual phone calls just to name a few. Why you would you do any of those where dozens of strangers a day poop, I have no idea. I don't want to smell any of that and I don't want to hear it. If I could just have my sense of smell and hearing blocked off when I enter a public restroom, that would be great. "The creator does not have eyes, nose, ears, mouth or hands. The creator cannot see, smell, hear, taste or touch. These five senses are the five slits we peer out from to define a reality we can digest. The senses are for sure limitations pressed upon us. What then we use to describe the way our source is or is not? We, by nature need a frame of reference to define. And for a concept so large as this, nothing serves. So by what translation is it I sense it, feel it and want to be near it? More to the point, why am I not equipped to naturally connect with it? Let's do this if we can by moving past 'original sin' as the culprit." - Tim Allen on senses, 2009

Ice. Nature's Zojirushi. Makes your warm drink cold, kinda. Makes your cold soda watered down. It clumps together and falls onto your face when you go to drink. Luckily, most drinks are kept refrigerated, so unless you really like your drinks near frozen, you don't really need it. So please don't turn my big soda into a portal of crushed ice from the fourth dimension. "I so often wonder how it 'looks' at the quantum level. I suspect the look is not applicable. I hope to do a movie that explores the 4th dimension..what would that look like?" - Tim Allen on the quantum world, 2005

Plus we talk about internet genies, bean dip, weird sex dungeon bathrooms, and (try to) listen to your (mostly unintelligible) voicemails. Don't forget to check out the Discord and Patreon! And, yes, these are all actual quotes from Tim Allen on his forum called Tim Allen’s Idea Exchange.

Episode 71 - The Candy Situation

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Sup, brahs. Welcome to this week's totally slammin' ep of Here's What I Don't Get! We hope you dudes and she-dudes are having a mondo cool time riding some waves and chowin' down on some gnarly McBurgertrons. Stay tubular as we give you the shimmy on these issues that throw out some bad vibes for us:

-Filing Your Own Taxes
-Aisle Blockers
-Form Over Function
-Phone Call Paralysis

Ben Franklin said that nothing in this world is certain except for death and taxes. Well, he's dead and I wish I was because I owe a bunch of taxes, so I guess he was right. At the very least we can take solace in the fact that we get to file online and not have to deal with the paperwork. I aspire to one day have my own accountant, so he can do my taxes, and blow his brains out over them instead.

Hey, do you need some pasta? Too bad, Hilda and her brat have their shopping cart sideways in the aisle, blocking all traffic. Personally, I'd chance the vehicular manslaughter charge to run full speed into their cart with my own. It's like bowling, except you're the ball, and the pins are idiots that take up whole aisles with their carts. I just want some peanut butter, lady, and I will turn you into Target-red paste to get it.

Sleek. Sounds like a nice word, right? Wrong. It's code. Code for "lacks features you would need or want so that it can be skinny", much like a supermodel. If something is sleek, chances are it's got a proprietary charging cable, or an irreplaceable battery. It looks nice, but it doesn't do much. Give me something rugged with a full feature set instead.

You've got an important phone call to make. Oh but it's almost 5, you don't wanna call them on the way out of the office, you'll do it tomorrow. Tomorrow comes around, and you put it off all day, maybe the next day. You call, finally, but it's the third Friday of the month, and no one answers. Welp, you gave it the ol college try. Finally, your bill is overdue and they call you. "That's weird, I called you guys like 5 times, no one answered." Smooth move, dude. They totally believe you.

All that and more on this week's episode, including your voicemails, and some voting updates! Don't forget to visit the Patreon to vote for next month's commentary and join the Discord!

Episode 70 - Happy Birthday, Tim

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Listen up gang, here’s how it’s gonna go down. Rafael’s got a boosted ride he’ll pick us up in, and JJ’s got the masks. We’ll meet up with them and our inside man 2 blocks away from the HWIDG offices. We’ve got body armor and pieces for everyone, so it should be real easy-like. We charge in, steal this week’s episode of the podcast, and get out. But, you, Junior, you’ve got the most important job. You’ve gotta be on the lookout for these issues:
* Back Pain
* Interview Questions
* Online Resume Shenanigans and Cover Letters
* Data Breaches

Billy here, the inside man. Sorry this job’s been put off for so long, but I twisted something in my back at work. Luckily I had some sick days I could use, but man has it been bad laying in bed all day. I could barely move! I’d rather’ve taken a bullet like Tony did on the last job. I couldn’t barely walk or nothin. Forget picking something up off the ground or even sneezing. Anyways, I’m good to go now, and I’ve got the security clearance to the vault. I’ll need some help though, I’m still a little sore. Hey JJ, tell ‘em that story.

I’d rather not, Billy. Whatever. Ok, so it was me and Billy, both going in to interview for the spot they had open. I told boss not to send me, that I’d screw up, and boy did I. They were asking’ me all types of weird questions. Like, “Why do you want to work here?” Bitch, I’m trying to get in to rob the place, what do you want me to say? She was putting me on the spot, and I couldn’t think of anything to say, so I says “I need to get paid.” Yeah I know, real stupid. But it’s the truth! Don’t they want me to be truthful? Wouldn’t you want a truthful employee over one that lies to get the job? That wasn’t even the worst part though.

Worse than that was their online application. Whoo boy. You’d think you upload your resume and check a few boxes, but no, they want you to upload your resume, and then type it out again just to get their rocks off. Then they asked me a bunch of questions about teamwork and morality. And if you want to stand out at all, you’ve gotta write a cover letter. And all that is is bragging about how good you are while begging for the job at the same time. I dunno man, I just wanna steal this stuff and be over with it. That’s how all this stuff makes me feel.

Alright ladies, enough chit-chat. Here’s the setup. Our original goal was to steal the new, unreleased episode of the HWIDG podcast, BUT we found something even better. In their system they have all this data. Phone numbers of people that have called in, their names, where they work, hell they even have the credit card numbers of all their “patrons”. So, using Billy’s access we grab all the data and sell it to the Russians. But, when it gets out that these guys have data that people willingly gave them, be prepared for the shitstorm. So we gotta lay low.

Do this clean, folks. The payout’s worth it. I hear they announce what the next movie commentary is. Some are saying the voicemails are extra weird this week too, but we can’t verify that. Remember to keep the scanner on so we can monitor all transmissions LINK. Let’s do it.

Episode 69 - Aww Yeah

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Hey there big fella, and welcome to another sensual episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get. Don’t worry, just sit back, relax, and let us take care of it. After we’re done you can tell us all about your issues with:
* Local News
* Other People's Bathrooms
* Shower Sex
* The Pre-Sleep Self-Cringe Marathon

Tonight’s story: Is Local News Relevant? After a harrowing 26 year investigation, our top reporter, Tad Dirt, is finally ready to reveal the answer to the question we’ve all been asking. Tad, is local news relevant? Tad? I’m sorry folks, it seems we’re having some technical difficulties right now, we’re not able to locate our repo-hold on. Hold on, I’m hearing from the producers that Tad was found in his dressing room, dead. It seems that 26 years of putting up with small town local news was just too much. Chilling. Now we throw it to Bruce, who’s over at Chopeka High waiting for the big game to start! Bruce?

Using the bathroom is a sacred act to me. There’s something very personal about it. So when you’re in someone else’s bathroom, and the layout is weird, or you’ve gotta jiggle the handle, or you can’t find the TP, it just feels weird. But also, there’s a sense of invading their privacy. “This is where they poop.” You can’t help but to think about it. Your ass is touching where their ass touches. Your asses just kissed, congratulations.

Speaking of two asses kissing, shower sex is a thing. A thing that most people think would be nice and romantic. But we’re here to tell you the truth, not to fill your heads with erotic fantasies! I catch myself almost slipping and cracking my head open just by myself all the time, but you add another person in to that mix? Recipe for disaster. Add a bunch of bottles and the shower curtain, and wet hair slapping around and you’re in for a bad time. Or are you?

You’ve been working hard all day, tough but fulfilling, you’ve made it home and cooked up a wonderful meal. You watch some Netflix or play a couple hours of your favorite game with no interruptions. Life is good. You slip into that warm bed, lay your head down, close your eyes and drift offWAIT HERE’S ALL THE AWKWARD THINGS YOU’VE EVER DONE IN PERFECT RECOLLECTION. REMEMBER THAT TIME JENNY FROM HIGH SCHOOL INVITED YOU OVER TO STUDY AND YOU BLEW HER OFF?! YOU BLEW IT YOU DUMB SONOVABITCH! DAMN YOU BRAIN!

All that and more on our raunchiest episode yet. Who calls in? What’s that about a garbage bag full of gumbo? And which one of us reads some poorly written video game sex? FIND OUT ON THE NEXT EPISODE OF HERE’S WHAT I DON’T GET Z! Join the PATREON and DISCORD for even more sexy anime shenanigans!

Episode 68 - Robot Wolves

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Valorous morrow to thee, sir and welcome to another episode of Hither's What I Don't Understandeth. The only previously global audio performance to confront all of life's most resilient issues. This week thou can behold a rousing rabble about the following:

* Cryptocurrency
* Sandals
* People with no Spatial Awareness
* Cable Management

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Rule #1 in the Handlebreaker household: no sandals. I see a sandal, I shoot the foot it’s on. Sorry Grandpa, themes the breaks. If you didn’t want to get a bullet in your foot, you shouldn’t have worn the lamest, most unnecessary piece of footwear there is. I’d take one of those athletic toe shoes over a sandal. GIVE ME SHOES THAT COVER THE ENTIRETY OF MY FEET OR GIVE ME DEATH.

Look, if you’re in the comfort of your own home, splay out wherever you want, however you want. But when you take your stinky bag of flesh out into public, keep it away from other people, but me, specifically. The world is NOT your oyster, nor is it you personal hotel bed. Pretend everyone else is a leper if you have to, just respect their personal space, and for the love of all that is holy don’t block passages and entryways with your bumbling, droopy sack of blood and bones.

Thin cables, thick cables, ones long and short Twisted cables, rigid cables What’s a serial port? Look at my CAT5s All in a row Grouped up and zip tied Blindingly yellow Hide them behind your tables Cause you can’t rely on wireless Even though all these cables Are a giant goddamn mess

Plus, plenty of computer talk, voicemails, and we see what movies you’ve brought up to vote on for our next commentary. As always, if you enjoy the show, you can visit the Patreon and the Discord.

Episode 67 - We Don't Believe in Napkins

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On a dark and stormy night, you hear a rap-rap-rapping on your door. The creaks and moans of your family’s ancient home warn you of the danger that awaits. You ignore them, opening that door to let the stranger in from the cold. But no one is there. “It must’ve just been some debris from the storm,” you assure yourself as you close the door. Then the stench hits you. Like the wicked offspring of mildew and rancid garden vegetables, it emanates from behind you. You turn around and face the horror of…….this week’s episode of HWIDG! Where we discuss these issues:
* Industry Award Circle Jerk
* Poorly Constructed Sandwiches
* Family Tech Support
* Beer

"Who are you wearing tonight?” It's probably the worst question ever invented by man. Frequently asked on the red carpet, it only serves to inflate the egos of everyone involved. That’s why I intend to run for office, solely on the platform that we turn red carpets into lava. Sure, you can have your ego boost, but at the cost of your feet. No more shall the feet of the Hollywood elite be able to stomp on the masses. No longer shall the illuminati be in control of the lovely feet of movie stars all over the world. This is my one promise to you, the people of [INSERT CITY HERE]. Handlebreaker 2020 y’all.

Look, the sandwich is one of the world’s most versatile foods. It’s easy to hold and carry, you can put just about anything in them, and they’re quite easy to make! But if your sandwich looks like Shaggy and Scooby made it, take it away from me. We’re tired of food made for Instagram likes and not for actually eating. If you need 2 pounds of mayo to hold your sandwich together, you need to go back to the drawing board, or if you like mayo so much, dunk your head in to a vat of it until you run out of air.

No, Grandma, Chrome isn’t a virus. Sound familiar? I think most people 35 and under with any knowledge of technology have had to guide a family member through some tech support at one point or another. Whether it’s email woes or dust-caked CPU fans, it can be painful to see people not understand basic concepts. Sure, sometimes it’s a hassle to get the audio receiver to switch over to the Blu-ray player. All those remotes and buttons must just melt together in their minds. My advice is to just grin and bear it, but make sure you get payment of some kind. You deserve it.

IPAs? Bitter yeast water. Stouts? Bitter yeast water. Pilsners? Bitter yeast water. Lagers? Bitter yeast water. Brown ale? Bitter yeast water. See where I’m going with this? Beer sucks. The most it should be used for is cooking. I’m tired of hearing about it and seeing it. No one needs a university brewing degree. Yes those exist. Screw your beer, screw your microbreweries, but most of all screw your “this one is very hoppy with hints of cherry” snobbery. You’re drinking old grain water, get over yourself.

Plus, voicemails, news, oh and one of us is free of a major lawsuit. Listen to find out who! If you wanna fight me about beer, join the Discord!

Episode 66 - Swiss Meatballs

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Well recruits, you’ve done it. Against all odds you’ve survived your training to become a member of the elite space cops, the HWIDG Lanterns. Now, please, join me in reciting our sacred oath: “From North to South, East to West, these issues shall not ever rest, with rage among the very best, Here’s What I Don’t Get’s sacred quest!” Very good. Now, here’s your first mission:

* Download Managers
* Panic Attacks
* Power Surges
* Sources

On the planet Ban-Dwith, there lies a very dangerous enemy. A rogue section of Downloads have formed a secret society and are up to nefarious dealings. We need you to go down there and put a stop to them before they can influence more Downloads to splinter off into their own sections. This is quite a dangerous mission, rookie. You’ll be dealing with extremely slow speeds, half-finished websites, and multiple enemies surrounding you from all sides. If you fail, the universe could be forced to deal with the wrath of their leader, the Manager.

Alright, now for some survival training. In the field, you’ll come across a lot of dangerous organisms and creatures, but NONE of them can be as dangerous as your own body. Despite years of vigorous training, both physically and mentally, sometimes your body will just shut down. These are called panic attacks and, yes, despite your rings that can will anything you want into existence, you still might have to deal with them. Now this is just for you humans, the rest of you don’t have to worry about this. Humans, this almost got your kind booted out of the corps, so don’t let this happen to you.

Now, speaking of your rings, sometimes the main battery at the base that powers them will overload. DO. NOT. PANIC. Your ring should come right back on instantly. If it doesn’t, well, you're pretty much screwed. Hope you packed a book and a deck of cards. You’d think with a giant militaristic intergalactic peace-keeping force, we’d be able to pay for some infrastructure that didn’t cut out a couple times a week, but you’d be wrong. Also, make sure your wanted lists and such are backed up, because if they’re up when your ring goes down, you’re bound to lose that file. Seems like it’s almost the cosmos punishing us for something we never should’ve had.

Lastly, we need to talk about intelligence, or a lack thereof. I don’t know how many times to tell you, but when you’re gathering Intelligence, you can’t just record it. YOU. NEED. SOURCES. Who said it, when they said it, how old were they when they said it, what time of day it was, how much did you need to go to the bathroom, all of these are VITAL to intelligence gathering. Your after-mission reports need at least 5 sources or you will be sent to the bright! Is that clear?! No successful cadet has been lax on his or her souces, and neither will you! SOURCES, SOURCES, SOURCES!

Alright rookie, here's the rest of the schedule for the week: listen to some voicemails, see who went to Portland, and make sure to get your Scandinavian countries mixed up, roger that? Oh, and don't forget your Patreonic pledge and your comms channel.

Episode 65 - The Grandma Effect

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The Asylum Presents Lou Ferrigno in "The Grandma Effect" Buckle up buddy, cause this is another thrilltacular episode of This Is What I Don’t Understand! Action at every corner, drama up the wazoo, and enough side-splitting laughs to fill a 65 gallon drum! This week Tad and Jim investigate these topics:
* Asylum Films
* "Can I Help You With Anything Today?"
* No Demos for Games Anymore
* White Clothing

Critics are raving over the newest chapter in the magical Larry Porter series, The Secret Corridor! Watch as Larry and his pals Don and Hilamine uncover a dark secret at their magic school Pigpimple. The Dark Lord is after them this time after they interrupt his plan to take over the world by producing cheap knock off films. Critics love the CG effects that are dated even for films 20 years older, and the script is pulled from a different Mad Libs book this time! 4 Stars says Big Pete at the Fat Greaser in Wilmington, Wisconsin.

Hey, dummy! Are all these bright colors and big signs making your brainy-wainy hurty-wurty? Well have no fear, [INSERT BIG BOX RETAILER HERE] employees are here to help! No more hours of looking for that one thing you need, we’ll get it for you! Do you need someone to interrupt your conversation every 5 minutes? We offer that too! Do you need anything? Do you need some HELP? DO YOU NEED ANYTHING AT ALL?! DO YOU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

Gone are the days of demos. Those wonderful days where you could try something out before buying it. No, nowadays they expect you to go through the hassle of buying the game, opening it up, installing it, patching it, and then spending a few hours to find out it stinks. GOTTA GET THOSE FIRST DAY SALES. CAN’T LET PEOPLE TRY IT OUT FOR FREE. CAN’T LET THEM FIND OUT IT WON’T BE PLAYABLE UNTIL AFTER THE FIRST THREE WEEKLY PATCHES.

You know, when I’m watching my TV, and a man comes on to tell me how white my shirts could be, I change the channel because I don’t own any white shirts. Because every time I wear one, I spill some wine on it, or accidentally drip some barbecue sauce on it, or a hobo vomits on it. Bleach should serve one purpose, and it’s not for clothes, it’s for mouths. If you wanna spend your time cleaning your shoes or your Miami Vice jacket, be my guest, just don’t include me (unless there’s a wet t-shirt contest).

Plus, we listen to voicemails and reveal what movie we’ll be watching for March’s commentary. Which one of us has been mistaken for a hobo? You’ll have to listen to find out! Remember to visit or Patreon and join our Discord

Episode 64 - You Get The Sentinel

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It’s that time again folks. It’s 7 in the morning, you’ve got a bottle of Sunny D, some freshly toasted Eggos, and a copy of Banjo-Kazooie. You’re gonna get that last Jiggy in Clanker’s Cavern even if it takes all day. So blow on that cartridge and get to collecting these issues:
-Repairman Scheduling
-Valentine’s Day
-The Olympics
-The Socratic Method

It’s bad enough that your thing breaks, but then you’ve got to call the repair shop, set up an appointment to have a guy come out and fix it, and then take the day off of work to wait for him, and chances are he’ll come by an hour before you would’ve got off work anyways. How about instead, you give me an exact time down to the minute, and I’ll have a damn sandwich and a glass of ice cold lemonade for you.

How weird is it that Cupid shoots you with an arrow to make you fall in love? Have you ever been shot with an arrow? It sucks. At least a bullet could go all the way through, and don't get me started on splinters. Also, dude must have mad crazy aim. Hitting a moving target while flying? Whew. Tab, this is where I'd put in a joke about taking an arrow to the knee but Skyrim sucks.

Speaking of shooting while moving, I'd like them to add an Urban Olympics alongside the summer and winter ones. I'd like events like parkour and street racing. Hotwire a car then drive it 10 miles and blow it up. Doesn't that sound better than dancing on ice? Or ridng a piece of fiberglass down half a tunnel? Maybe they could have a John Woo-off, who can hit the most targets while jumping on to tables with two pistols while doves are flying everywhere.

Here's what I know about Socrates. 1. It's not pronounced So-Crates. 2. He liked little boys. I now know enough to teach a class about him. All I have to do is ask the students questions about him and they'll figure it out themselves. BOOM, I'm tenured and can go drink myself into a Jeep diving off the Grand Canyon.

As always, we listen to your voicemails, see who won the vote from last week, and reveal the list of movies you can vote on for next month's commentary. Join the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM for some hot Tom Hand on Tom Hanks action.

Episode 63 - Cats 2: Horses

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Look at me, now look up. Something is above you, caging you in. You are trapped, but now is the time to ascend! Raise yourself up! Burst through that barrier and into space! While you’re up there, come visit us on the ISS, we promise we haven’t been replaced by sludge monsters in skin suits who don’t have to deal with these issues:
-Your Dumb Music
-Oblivious People
-Truck Guys
-Trailers for Trailers

As a learned person, I've grown to understand that your music is bad. Whatever it is you're listening to, it's garbage. And I don't want to hear it. If I ever win the lottery, I'm buying hundreds of pairs of the most cutting edge noise-canceling headphones and carrying them with me wherever I go, handing them out to people that insist on listening to their terrible music in public. Also some industrial-strength adhesive, just in case they try and stop me.

Tunnel vision. It's the name of the disease that the mole men pass onto humans when the attack at night. Unfortunately there's no cure. The only thing we can do is invade their homes and teach those dirt crawlers who's who. The plague of crossbreeds is a very real threat. Believe me, I've seen my fair share of mole ladies and I understand the pull. I once knew one named Regina. She smelled of orange blossoms and-NO. THEY MUST BE STOPPED. JOIN THE RESISTANCE TODAY.

Yee haw y'all, it's Big Jim here to tell you all about Big Jim's Big Trucks. For the low, low price of your dignity you can have the biggest, baddest truck around. We'll even throw in a gas-powered grappling hook launcher for easy entrances! The first 100 buyers will even get a free pair of TRUCK NUTZ (TM), molded fresh in house. Say hi to Dave as you walk in, he'll be in the lobby making them. Say the secret keyword "compensating" and we'll give you some sweet flame decals!

THIS SUMMER, ONE MAN, ONE TRAILER, A FIGHT TO THE DEATH. Frank Majors thought he had finished the fight. HE WAS WRONG. The trailers had been all but wiped out, but a new threat soon emerged. Smaller, quicker, DEADLIER. Frank has to kill them all, or die trying. Watch Frank as he faces his deadliest foes, blasting them to bits, driving semi-trucks into them, kicking them out of airlocks and much, much more! All leading up to the final confrontation: Frank (and his best pal Skimps the monkey) versus the trailer for the trailer for MechaHitler vs. MechaGodzilla! IN 3-D!!!!!!!!

Join us as we listen to your voicemails, catch up on some voting results, and lots more! Which one of us is a test tube baby created for the sole purpose of trolling internet has-beens? You'll have to listen to find out! Join the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM, and don't forget to send in your suggestions for next month's movie commentary over at the Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/posts/16782125

Episode 62 - What Does the F Mean?!

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In a world, where the innocent are ravaged by both MegaCorp soldiers and junkie gangs looking for a fix, there is only one podcast prepared to take on these injustices: RoboHWIDG. Watch in glorious stereo and Technicolor as RoboHWIDG dispenses its vigilante justice on these issues:
-Impatient People
-Speed Humps
-The YouTube Invasion
-Proprietary Technology

I like murder. I like murder mysteries, I like seeing vigilantes dole out murder, hell I like flocks of crows. I like killing so much, I kill TIME. But everywhere around me, there’s people just ignoring all the possible murder they could be doing! Look people, you gotta make room for murder in your life. Take a step back, relax, and lay the smack down on some chronal units. You’ll be much happier. Have you ever seen a sad serial killer? That’s what I thought.

It used to be, back in the day, when you would hit something on the road, it was one of two things. Either you just helped tame the rabid coyote population of the town you were in, or you put some hobo out of his misery. In our hustle and bustle of modern life now, chances are it’s neither and it’s just some speed humps. Somehow these coyotes and hobos banded together and got these installed everywhere, and now they’re copulating into a stinky coyote/hobo mutant breed. So, uh, watch out for those.

They won’t be the first of your problems though. First, you’ll have to survive the YouTube invasion. They’ll start with the bombings. Mass thumbs downs everywhere. Next, the sleeper cells are activated. Good, hard working people that you’ve known your whole life will grab you in your sleep, shake you and yell "GET YOUTUBE RED”. Then, the final phase: total destruction. Spiderman and Elsa from Frozen will descend from the heavens, twerking on and pranking everyone until we all submit.

And as you walk through what used to be the streets of Chicago, now known as Google State Sector 115.AX, with your aging, second generation feeding device beeping at you, warning of low battery, you’ll be wishing for a universal feed port. But no, the competing companies made like five different kinds, and changed them every year. So now you have to tear open a feed pod, re-hydrate it, and force yourself to swallow it. Good luck buddy, that last one’s liver and onion flavored.

We also taste test this week's voicemails to see if they're as spicy as last week's. Usually this is where we thank you for listening, but not this week. This week we'd like to say SCREW YOU, DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND LISTEN TO THIS OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE DICK, CREEP. Don't forget to join the Discord! https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 61 - Spicy Pain Units W/ Beef

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Get ready for the show of the century with this week's episode! Dim the lights, start up the fog machine, and blare some nu-metal as we enter the ring and try to TKO these issues:
-"Me Too" Businesses
-Your Dumb TV Show

EXT. COLLEGIATE CAMPUS, DAY. Our hero, TAB, blasts through double doors on to the green lawn of Jefferson U. He tries to catch his breath as he stops and looks around the unusually empty campus. He looks back to the doors. He knows they won't be long. The damn Electives had been chasing him for near 18 years now, and each time they were smarter. Hell, they followed him across the country just to stop him right at the end. He had almost been free. Almost. Somehow they managed to send an agent to the final meeting. Nearly tore his damn face off. This was it. The final showdown. He was going to have to wrestle this thing down and rip it's heart out. If it even had one.

Choices, choices, choices. Whatever you want, whatever you need, we got it here at SaveMart. And if we don't got it, just head next door to Big Saver! And if Big Saver doesn't stock it, try across the street at Discount Plus! If Discount Plus ain't got it, try Dollar Box, and if…stop it. Just stop it. Put your business elsewhere. I’m not going to either store now, are you happy?

We all love things. Usually we love them too much. It makes us blind to its faults, and makes us annoying to others. Just like in Season 17 of Guiding Light when Deborah gets brain cancer and it causes her to love everything she hated and hate everyone she loved. OH, it was sweet when she shot her lover Brian right in the head and ran off with his evil twin Jake. But in Season 18 the dropped the ball when they killed off Jake in the season premiere and introduced the talking rabbit……….

Watch them dangle, each them jiggle, watch them get longer as you age, testicles are the hacky sacks of the human body. Generally useless, a pain in the ass, and hippies just love drowning them in patchouli oil. It’s like having the gas tank of a car outside on the hood. The lack of protection means you have to stay on guard at all times, or wear a cup 24/7. Just chop them off and be done with it please.

Plus, we listen to a bunch of voicemails, including some real spicy, burn your tongue off slabs of rock hard BEEF. As always, thanks for listening, and drop into the Discord here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 60 - A Thin Layer of Frost

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Welcome to another rousing episode of Here's What I Don't Get! This week we hop on to the wild steer that is life and try to lasso these issues:

Planned Obsolescence
Your Dumb Bleeping Children
Not Putting Things Back where They Go
Not Removing Ice on Your Car

Everything must go. No, it's not a fire sale, it's just a fact of life. I will go. You will go. The USA will go, followed shortly by Earth itself, and in a few billion years, the universe. This is because the purple horse demons that created it are in need of an upgrade and Verizon planned it so that everything would perish right before their contract was up. C'mon, everyone knows Verizon is behind it all. And in the next universe, maybe we'll have a fighting chance against them. Maybe.

Our next issue is pretty simple. We don't wanna hear about your stupid robots. All day you're badgering me with stories about little 6 year old V-Unit 11497. Stop it. No one cares. Robots are dumb, we all know this. Everyone has heard and seen everything a little robot will-wait what? This issue's not about robots? But it says bleeping children. Oh, I see what happened. Tab said a bad word when yelling about snot-nosed brats. Either way, don't talk to us about your children, robots, or robot children.


There's only one reason why someone should have their car windows covered. And that's because they're covered in sheet metal and spikes and you're in a post-apocalyptic race for a gallon of water. Wouldn't you squeegee a marauder's blood off your windshield so you don't die and take out 3 other cars in that scenario? Then why won't you scrape the ice off? I hope you spin out, you jerk.

And that's not all, we also listen to a whole buttload of voicemails, and have our very first listener submitted news intro (You'll need to turn on subtitles for that part)! Don't forget to vote on next month's movie choice, and hop in the Discord too: https://discord.gg/sNfkH5Z

Episode 59 - Billable Hours (Ft. Nick Rekieta)

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Originally, we weren't going to have an episode this week, but at our weekly meeting with our internet lawyer Nick Rekieta, we got to talking about some issues, and luckily he records all of his conversations. Here's what we discussed:
-Organic Food
-Checks (Cheques for you weirdos)
-Taxes/Fees for things you already own

We all know organic food costs more than the "regular" stuff, but does it taste as good? No way. Look, GMOs are the future, like it or not. The nanomachines they inject our food with add such a satisfying crunch! And as they die, their wriggling forms give your tongue that relieving buzz! Plus, eventually their remains get absorbed into your bloodstream and passed on to your children and that's how we get to our cyberpunk/transhumanist future and YOU WILL NOT DEPRIVE ME OF THAT SO YOU CAN PAY THREE TIMES AS MUCH FOR WORSE TASTING STRAWBERRIES.

Speaking of the future, it's pretty clear to see that we're moving towards an all digital, cryptocurrency economy and that's a shame because kids these days won't know all the hassles we've been through with checks. Writing them, depositing them, cashing them, no matter where you run into a check, odds are it'll mess with your day. Please, just give me the least human interaction possible when dealing with my money. I want numbers, not words. These kids have it made, all they'll have left are giant novelty checks, and let's be honest, we'd all prefer to use those over Bitcoin, Dogecoin, or what have you. You tried, Publishers Clearing House. You tried.

You know who still uses checks? Old people. You know what's full of old people? The government. You know what the government wants? Your stuff. And if they can't have it, they'll tax the hell out of it until you don't want it anymore. Great, now you've lost all your belongings to taxes, then you lose your home, so you're out on a corner downtown breaking nto the cars of yuppie start-up kids trying to get enough cash for a Subway sandwich. You get just enough by the end of the day and waltz in, ready to eat like a king, but you go to pay, and you're 73 cents short! How could this be?! Damn you taxes! DAMN YOU!

ll that and more on this justice filled episode! Plus, we listen to voicemails, talk about some lawsuits, and give you an update on what you can expect on the Patreon. Join the Discord for some hot Eurobeat action here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 58 - Hack Your Life

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It's a few days into 2018 and your resolutions have gone up in flames already! Don't worry, because we here at HWIDG have our own resolutions, some involving you, and some involving illegally sourced Liger meat. Come with us into this meat locker, we promise it won't hurt. As you slowly freeze to death, we'll tell you all about our issues with:
- Life Hacks
- Not Committing to Film
- Weird Sleeping Habits
- Mansplaining

As we stroll down the aisle of the Internet, plucking various items from the shelves, we tend to stick to what we like. What we know and love. Occasionally, you'll find something new and shiny and pluck it out on a whim. Sometimes you love the fresh ingredients and slick packaging, and sometimes it's just bland. Either way, your trips tend to stay the same every time you visit. That is, until you hit the "As Seen On TV" aisle of the internet: Life Hacks. That's right, you really do need this dumb pillow or some gadget that magnetizes the fat out of your food (this is real, folks). the same way you need a knife to the leg, or some hot Life Hacks. How do people live without hacking their lives?! How do they fold their fitted sheets?! Well, we'll tell you, all for the low, low price of $24.99 (not including shipping & handling), or, we'll tell you twice for only $39.99. What a bargain!

Speaking of bargains, we all know that phones are expensive these days, and forget about buying a standalone camera, you'll go broke! So, we were all relieved in 2003 when they finally figured out that video sensors could be produced at a fraction of the cost by adjusting them so that they sense the point of climax in a recording, then send 50,000 volts into your body, causing a spasm that lasts until you stop recording. And we've lived our lives that way ever since. Long gone are the days of having to see those awful car accidents or skaters falling face first into concrete. Praise be to that discovery from 109 years ago, and praise be to the Priests and the Solar Federation.

Does anybody know why "Zzz" was chosen to represent snoring? I propose we move to "HCJGKKKK", but then what do I know? I'll tell what I know, I know that people sleep weirdly. Sleepwalkers, sleeptalkers, and sleepjugglers exist everywhere, yet no one does anything about it. We need mandatory bed straps not unlike those in asylums, so that no one can get out of bed until they're good and ready. Mark my words, one of these days we'll get a sleepmurderer and the government will outlaw sleep for everyone, and then you'll wish you did something. Find those that you love and install those straps for them, I promise you they'll thank you when the time comes.

Life is about many things to many people. Unfortunately, for too many people the acquisition of knowledge doesn't rank too high on that list and that needs to change. Learn things, not just from books, but from people. Yes, people can be assholes and assume you don't know as much as you do and explain to you something you already know. Tell them this. 9.999 times out of 10, they aren't Manplaining. This is what social media has done to us. It divides us up into "us vs. them" groups and from then on every little interaction is pre-primed to be on a tipping point. It's all perceived slights. Welcome to 2018 folks! We know you've all been busy telling your relatives all about us, and we're happy to have them! Just promise us they won't call in about sports. Join the Discord: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 57 - No Return

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One year leads to another, so grab those 2017 calendars and burn them for warmth while you listen to our thoughts on the following issues:
- Cars w/o Phone Holders
- Places Open on Christmas Day that Don't Need to Be
- No/Poor Return Policies
- Family Photos

Odds are, some of you will listen to this podcast from your phone, in your car. Perhaps on your way home from a long day at the factory, or from the city dump where you planted all your neighbor's furniture that you stole. Either way, you're probably using your phone to do so. And where do you put it? Cup holder? Center console? Have you maybe rigged up an elaborate system of pulleys? However you do it, the onus shouldn't be on you if you're driving a recent model car. I think the manufacturers know that the phone companies secretly use flux capacitors to make our phones so smart, and the second someone spills a cola on a phone connected to an official Ford phone mount, the car will automatically produce a holodisc copy of 2025's Back to the Future 5.

You know, on my way back from the city dump after a fight with my neighbors a nice Christmas party the other day, I stopped by a bookstore, a mattress store, and a Wendy's to grab some last minute gifts. To my surprise, none of those places were open! Well, that didn't stop me and I still got what I needed, but the officers that ILLEGALLY DETAINED ME said that I couldn't and that I was on PCP! I told them that this was America, and that capitalism doesn't stop for NUTHIN, not even Jesus' yearly bris. Why weren't these stores open?! I had to wait a whole day to buy my step-sister a $5 Wendy's gift card after she bailed me out. If only there was an alternate world where this didn't happen......

Did everyone get exactly what they wanted for Christmas this year? Of course not. You probably got some way-too-small pants, and yet another copy of C.H.U.D on VHS. You'd better hope that those are returnable, otherwise, like my step-sister you're going to have to make a trip to the pawn shop and sell them for bail money. Or maybe you'll try craigslist like I did and get roped into making a snuff film. You see Amazon third party sellers? Do you see now what you have done?! You killed the Weinbachs. You did this.

Ah, the Weinbachs. They were such a nice family. The thing that stuck out to me while casing their house was the giant family photo on their living room mantle. I can only imagine the hours of pain they endured trying to get that coordinated. Honestly, their gruesome murders paled in comparison to the torture that is taking family photos. Look forward to digging out your own family photos in a few years when you stumble across them, and look forward to finding the Weinbachs when some labrador stumbles across them.

We also listen to a few voicemails this week and catch up on some issue votes (which totally aren't rigged, by the way). Well, that wraps up 2017 for us here at HWIDG. Thanks everyone for listening, watching, and pledging. We look forward to bringing you an even better 2018 filled with more issues than you can shake a fist at! Don't forget to join our Discord at: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 56 - Zombie Baby Jesus

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Hopefully as you sit down to listen to this week's miraculous episode, you find yourself in the comfort of your home. Preferably with a nice hot mug of cocoa, a fully furnished tree, and your pet bobcat purring at your side. So, prepare yourself as we parachute in with these issues:

- Xmas Light Tours
- Fake Holidays
- Eggnog
- Wrapping Presents

Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Zack Snyder's brooding Superman! No. It's a line of imbeciles staring at houses. We all know only the lowest of lifeforms is so attracted to such shiny objects, and that's why Christmas is so popular! These well-lit houses pull in flocks of drivers from everywhere onto the street, making it harder for you to get where you're going on time, so next time you're out, pack that 12 gauge and get ready for the best fish in a barrel you've ever had.

Let's be honest, the phrase "Happy Holidays" only exists because some dumb joyriding teenagers from 2337 thought it would be hilarious to jump into a chronopod and change history so that Festivus became a joke on a sitcom instead of the singular winter holiday. The ramifications of splitting the time stream means that we are now stuck with these weird splinter holidays from other parallel timelines, and they make Tab angry! Buddy, just be glad we didn't get stuck with Toyotathon from the dieselpunk ravager timeline.

It's time for the yearly office party again and all is going well. At least Carol from HR isn't passed out ass up on the floor again this year. Your cubicle buddy Rob comes over and offers you a glass of good 'ol rum-spiked nog. What do you do? Well, If you're any kind of civilized person, the correct answer is to throw it in his face, sucker punch him, and fail to jump through the fourth floor window, rendering you unconscious. That taste of blood and carpet and shame in your mouth as security escorts you out? I'd much rather have that be bottled up and sold as a drink than eggnog.

Guess what folks? I got you a little something. You wanna know what it is? Too bad. First you must wander through the forest of Elverwrap, through the mountains of Bowtania, and into the river To-and-from. Only then will you be prepared to witness the glory that is..... THE COMPLETE SERIES BOXSET OF THE GILMORE GIRLS ON DVD! Thanks a lot Nana, here's a pack of Kools, knock yourself out.

All that and more on this festive episode! Plus, voicemails from you, yes you! Make sure to join the Discord and air your grievances: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 55 - Jacksonville, Florida


This week's episode is best served with no ice, on a bed of leafy greens. Join us as we venture to the Florida of the human body, your ears, on a journey to deliver you these issues:

- Net Neutrality
- Shipping & Tracking
- "Have You Eaten Here Before?"
- Awards Shows Not Being About the Awards

Welcome to the Digital Thunderdome. Within its fiber optic, webbed structure, one man has fought his way through waves of Dial-up Samurai and Flame Warriors. He stands proudly in the arena, prepared to meet his foe with fervor. The mass of thousands of spectators slowly start to chant his name, "Neutrality, Neutrality". The crowd's words build to a deafening roar as the ground trembles, the fighter's opponent approaches. He bursts forth from the arena doors! A gargantuan Novelty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Mug! The man steels his face and forward. As this latest internet fight with the FCC gets closer and closer, we wonder if too much protest harms the cause, because frankly, we are tired of hearing about it.

It's that time of year again, so make sure you have your security system's camera pointed at your porch lest the thieves grab those Amazon boxes. Of course, chances are you didn't even know it was there because the tracking information wasn't updated. Or maybe you know the exact second it was placed there because they tracked your package like it was a possible terrorist. Personally, I prefer the Alighierian limbo of "preparing to ship", because I imagine those socks I ordered mentally preparing for a long voyage away from their cotton-polyester blended family.

Welcome to Chez Tab, where there's two things on the menu, burgers and Dr. Pepper. None of that free range, locally sourced, organic, farmer's market, gastronomy trash. It's a very simple concept, therefore we don't have to waste 5 minutes of your time explaining the "concept". The burgers come from cows, and the drinks are freshly milked from the tender gonads of the good doctor himself. You're gonna have to go somewhere else for your quinoa burrito and room temperature water.

Hey, did you know this is an award-winning podcast? Of course you didn't, because the 9th annual Podcasties decided to present "Best Formerly International Podcast" on the corner of the screen during the red carpet pre-show. Who wants to see dumb awards when there's hilariously expensive commercials or some sweet promotional deals to get to. Or even better, a musical performance from some indie band that doesn't have anything to do with what the awards are about. In memoriam: Televised awards shows being good (Never-Never).

Who do we answer a surprise call from this week? Who is revealed to be an Eric Clapton superfan? So many questions, just one answer! Listen to the podcast!

Follow Tab's latest Skyrim Let's Play over on the Discord: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM

Episode 54 - An Assault on the Senses

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Hey there listener! You know that voice in your head that tell you to shoplift and dropkick toddlers? Well make room for a new one as Tim the Handlebreaker officially joins the podcast! On the Season 3 premiere, we assault your senses with these issues:

-The Living Room-ification of Movie Theaters

-Electronic Arts' Sudden Villainy

-Terrible Final Jeopardy Questions

-Salvation Army Bell Ringers

The comfort of your own home. A nice big recliner, a fat plate of food in front of you, Americop 2: The Revengening on the big screen, and dozens of people you don't know who can't work their phone's brightness setting. ONE OF THESE THINGS DOESN'T BELONG. Over the years big chain movie theaters have figured out that we as a people would rather stay at home where we can control the thermostat and not pay per person to see their new summer blockbusters. So, to get the audience back they've changed their seating, food, and overall experience to be much more like your own living room, but bigger. The only problem is that you still have to deal with morons. Speaking of morons, some people still had hope that EA wouldn't screw up their new Battlefront game, but guess what? They did! And absolutely nobody saw it coming. It blindsided everyone like an 98 year old lady driving a flatbed through a shopping mall. Was this the straw that broke the camel's back? Why does it take until your space elves grow cancer of the lootbox variety until you realize that this massive company doesn't care about you? They just want those sweet, sweet galactic credits. Doesn't Dark Fader deserve your money? No! But you know who does deserve your money? The far-better-when-mustachioed Alex Trebek. Look, the man needs all the support he can get. He sits in that dank, dark dungeon he calls an office every day racking his gamma radiation-soaked brain for categories and questions to stump those trivia know-it-alls. He plays it off like the show has "writers" and "judges" but not anymore... it's been just him for a long time. Unfortunately that means not every question can be a winner, and lately it seems he's given up on the Final Jeopardy questions, which is a shame, considering that they should be the ultimate test of useless trivia knowledge. But alas, he is just one man. Wouldn't it be nice to do your holiday shopping in peace this year? TOO BAD! This time of year, only one thing stands between your ears and those heavily discounted miter saws, and it's the Salvation Army Bell Ringers. Not enough is it for them to ask for a donation, but they must also thrust the cacophony of a hand bell right into your inner ear. Personally, we'd rather hear a nice jazz flute, or a local thrash metal band playing Silent Night as they beg us for money that we would rather spend on stocking stuffers. Guilt us into charity a little more quietly next year, why don't you.

We also listen to a whole trove of voicemails wishing Uncle Buck the best as he walks off into the sunset, and Tab tells tales from the windy city. Which one of us made the top 100 posts on Reddit this week? Honestly, you don't have to listen to this episode to guess, but you should!

Join the HWIDG Discord server here: https://discord.gg/RK6q3jM