Episode 137 - HOGS (ft. kotojack)

137.png

Welcome to 80's: The Show on Netflix! Remember Stephen King? Remember The Goonies and Ghostbusters? Remember Dungeons and Dragons? Remember Synthesizers? Remember skateboarding? Remember smoking cigarettes? Remember Motley Crue and Michael Jackson? Remember going to the mall? Remember Russians? Well we've conviniently stuffed them all and more into one TV show ready for you to binge. And if you dont think this is the coolest thing since sliced bread, well you can go to hell. Straight to hell, where they have:

* Spare Tires
* Micro USB
* GPU Naming Schemes

Spare tires, life savers when you get run off the road by someone on heir phone. That is, as long as your spare isn't also flat. Or maybe it's hidden by some strange contraption under your car instead of just in the trunk. And maybe it's a compact spare made of papier-mache and held together by pure will.

Once you go Type C, you never go back to mini USB. Seriously, I want to buy the new version of everything just so I don't have to deal with the classic USB insert attempt-> flip-> insert attempt ->flip again-> it works. No bent tips, no slow charging, no fat connectors blocking the your phone case. I could go on, but frankly I just want to leave it behind.

What could be more confusing than Rambo 3 which is a sequel to Rambo 1 which is a sequel to First Blood? Why its graphics card names! Every 5 years or so they come up with a new naming scheme and stick to it. Then, for no reason they decide to screw it all up and go from 500 to X2W or something stupid. Or they skip a bunch of numbers. Attention NVIDIA, numbers don't go 5,6,7,9,10,116,20.

All that and more on this week's episode. Dont forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT

Episode 136 - Ya Dun Goofed

Introducing the HWIDG Quadruple Bypass 5XL Bacon Cheeseburger. No sissy vegetables, just 5 layers of juicy 100% all-beef patties, Wisconsin cheddar cheese, and Applewood-smoked thick-cut peppered bacon. Served with our 128 oz. Freedom Mug with your choice of soft drink float. Don't forget the cement mixer full of loaded fries! Our delicious thin and crispy fries are tossed with Monterey Jack cheese, bacon bits, sour cream, and our 5 alarm habenero chili Con carne! And for only 99c more we'll throw in our medical-grade IV full of pan drippings! Then get ready for dessert with our actual kitchen sink full of Rocky Road, Peanut Butter Cup, Cookies and Cream, and Caramel Delight ice creams! Topped with a gallon of Nutella, 5 different kinds of icing and crushed praline brittle! Order now and you'll receive a free box with:

Erasing the Evidence of Your Tomfoolery
Boomers Not Knowing How Computers Work
HBO
James Cameron's Avatar
Shyster Hospital Billing

Like a cat burglar in the night, the "extremely-specific-subset-of-twitter-celebrity" uses the finest of diamond-tipped cutting tools to carefully extract and retrieve the local museum's latest installation: their own embarrassing tweet. Except unlike the smart, experienced cat burglar, this one is caught on tape, face fully exposed, and the display has already been shown to the public. Whoops.

The hacker known as 4chan struck again today, targeting local grandmother Eileen Rosenberg. Eileen was just getting ready to check Facebook, something most of us do without a second thought, when suddenly she was locked out of her account. She says the infamous hacker got access to her account and changed her password without her knowing. What's even worse is that Eileen had just gone through a different kind of hack last month, one which left her screen black despite turning her computer on and off again many times. Authorities say to remember to never give your information out online, unless he's a very nice young man.

Ah, Home Box Office, the premiere "edgy" TV network. Many a kid of the 90s turned to it to maybe get a fuzzy picture of boobs when their parents were gone by messing with the cable box. Or maybe your friend's parents had it and you got to catch some softcore lovin' way past midnight. Either way they used to be where you turn to if you wanted maturity in your programming. F-bombs a plenty, full-frontal nudity galore, and heads exploding if you were lucky. But these days it just seems like another channel. As programming in general got edgier, it seems HBO is relinquishing that title and is happy to just be one of the guys. Oh but pay them 15 bucks a month still.

 Empires have risen and fallen. Presidents have come and gone and come again. Batmen have been beaten, finished, Affleck'd, Sadfleck'd, and Twilighted. Spider-Men have gone from campy to way-too-cool to "I don't feel so good Mr. Stark". Preschoolers that witnessed it are now married with a kid on the way. No, it's not Haley's Comet, it's James Cameron's Avatar and it's planned 2, no, 3, no, 4 sequels. Will they ever happen? Probably. But will anyone care? Will they have filmed 4 movies at once, put out the first of the sequels and see it bomb? More than likely. And the most tragic thing about it? He'll just move on to the next biggest thing in the world.

Guess what? Hospitals in the US? Screwed up. Big insurance companies shaft them and they pass the screwing onto the customer. Even 3 months after you were there. What's the solution? Fast food. Specifically that big fast food menu with all the items and prices on it. No being jerked around and paying 500 dollars for 2 over-the-counter ibuprofen capsules. X-Ray? $25 per. Leg amputation? 300 dollars please. McChicken? Somehow still $1.

All this and more on this week's beefy boi of an episode. How many voicemails did Deadhelm send? More or less than 10? The answer just may surprise you. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT

Episode 135 - This Is Mark

135.png

It’s official, Summer’s here. Time for mosquitoes, beaches, sweat, sweat, and more sweat. It’s all of your least favorite things in one convent package! But! IF you order now, we’ll thrown in the Best Of Summer Pack, which includes: grilling, ice cream, summer blockbusters, and an ice-cold soda. So get your board shorts on, catch some gnarly tubes, and eat some strips and cheese. What’s strips and cheese you ask? Oh boy get ready for a doozy. Strips and cheese is a “world famous” snack from the beaches of California that consists of COLD TORTILLA CHIP STRIPS TOPPED WITH COLD UN-MELTED SHREDDED CHEESE WITH A SIDE OF THE WORLD’S LAMEST SALSA FOR DIPPING. AND PEOPLE LIKE IT. AND PAY MONEY FOR IT. Jesus people are dumb, anyways:

* Las Vegas
* Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge
* Celebrity Restaurants
* Stopping Just Before the Finish Line

A harsh, hot desert land, riddled with crime, gangs, and dens of thieves. One young, innocent farmboy fights his way through to get to his destination. Tab had a hell of a time in Las Vegas this weekend and tells us all about it. What is a millenial to do in Las Vegas other than gamble? Well let's just say it rhymes with "shooting a bunch of awesome guns".

A harsh, hot desert land, riddled with crime, gangs, and dens of thieves. One young, innocent farmboy fights his way through to get to his destination. That destination? The bathroom at Star Wars: Galaxy's Edge, because the 35 dollar "Rancor Leg" gave him the runs. Unfortunately, that was the most exciting thing he experienced there. Everything else was the experience of buying more Star Wars merch.

Hello and welcome to the official Here's What I Don't Get Gastropub! Have a seat! What can I get you to drink? I'm sorry we only have giant water bottles and watered down root beer, we're authentic that way. Waters all around okay, can I start you off with any appetizers? We've got a bowl of candy, stale licorice sticks, Todd's weird mystery jerky, no? Okay, well our special today is our McRage Burger. It's a hamburger from McDonalds with either Tab, Tim, or Todd's signature right on the wrapper! It's $17.50 and comes with 5 french fries and a sweet and salty tomato sauce for dipping.

To be honest If I had millions of dollars and was running a very successful Movie/TV streaming service I’d probably had forgotten about the “small stuff” too. To be honest I’m not sure the backlash from any of this anime robot stuff would even reach me. That’s how far away I am from this stuff. So, how am I going to learn anything. I just look at data points and say MORE or CANCEL. I’ve been standing in front of this finish line for years now, and I’m now walking backwards yelling into my bluetooth earpiece like a giant douche.

And more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, depressing news, and way way too much anime talk. Stick around til the end to make sure you hear Tab’s newest telemarketer harassment marathon. And if you don't believe me about 'Strips and Cheese' watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mPWePs2M_vU Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON or by BUYING A HAT (with new discount code FREDRUSH)! Only until July 4th!

Episode 134 - You Can't Fist A Zombie

134.png

Some days you just don't feel like you. Back in your 20's you had all the energy in the world! But these days it gets tougher and tougher every day to really let your spouse know how you feel. If your life is missing that special feeling, then it's time to talk to your doctor about Hwidgra. Hwigdra is the world's only FDA-approved rage enhancer. It's like the little blue pill for the voice in the back of your head that wants to let your boss know how much of a screw-up he is, or to give that scam telemarketer a piece of your mind. Now Hwidgra is available in a convient weekly vapor treatment! Enjoy such flavors as: bacon cheeseburger, apple pie, red bull and vodka, and:

* Ticket Fees
* Abortion
* Small Item Insurance
* Homelessness

Nickels and dimes. They add up. They look small, but someone tacks enough of them on and BAM you're paying double the original price in fees. How do you solve this? Just be upfront. Just show me the price in going to have to pay. Overestimate even! Wouldn't that be a nice surprise. Getting a lower price because you just want a QR code emailed instead of picking up a physical ticket.

Oh boy. Uncle Bill got drunk again and brought up abortion. Oh great now Cousin Hank is arguing with him. Commie bastard. Racist redneck. Sound familiar? Yeaahhhhh, maybe just skip to the news section.

Thing that need insurance: people(for car accidents and such), cars (for when you hit a person), and pricey mail shipments (can't trust package handlers). I don't need insurance on my groceries, or a pizza I just bought. They're mostly scams to make a a couple extra bucks. Believe me, I've sold plenty of "protection plans" on cheap RC cars and drones that are guaranteed to break within a week, and then you don't get a refund because of 'user error'.

You might just get deja Vu from Tab's thoughts on homelessness this week. See if this sounds familiar. He wants to round up a bunch of similar people he sees as 'below human' against their will, take them to an isolated location where only their kind is allowed, and let them slowly kill each other over scraps of food. Yikes.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, news, and paramilitary health insurance premiums! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 133 - Fudgesicles and Baguettes

133b.png

This week on Unsolved Mysteries…a podcast, known as HWIDG, is under attack by forces from the other side. Or is it something even more sinister? The hosts were recording on a Monday night, as they usually do. When all of a sudden, the inner-most studio door shakes violently. Its inner handle now dangles precariously loose. What sort of demon could be haunting this place? And is it the studio that is haunted, or is it one of the hosts? It’s that. His name is Tim the Handlebreaker. Why is this an Unsolved Mystery? Anyways, join us next week when we investigate:

* Colleague Competitions
* Pre/Post Shows
* Gluten Intolerance
* Commitment

Round 1…FIGHT! No thanks, Dave. I’m just gonna go ahead and actually work. Why? Because I have an actual job. You just sit at your desk and read emails and check Facebook all day. I’ve got stuff to do. If the boss wants us to ‘compete’ how about you try doing something useful, like what I do. And I’ll get a day of fitting down and doing nothing because I’ll finish your day’s work in about 15 minutes.

Hello and welcome to the HWIDG Pre/Post Show Issue Pre-Show! We’re here to predict what’s gonna happen on this issue today. Brought to you by Budweiser. Well I for one, looking back at this season think this issue’s got the gusto to go all the way! Well, that’s all the time we have folks! No on to the issue! “I don’t like pre/post shows.” Welcome back folks to the HWIDG Pre/Post Show Issue Post-Show! Man! What an issue tonight! I haven’t seen an issue like that since ’83! People will be talking about this for years to come! And that’s all the time we have, we’ll see you next week!

What *is* gluten? Do people actually know? It’s got something to do with flour I think? All we really know is that there’s been a deluge of gluten-free products and offerings the past 15 or so years. Did someone detonate a Celiac disease bomb in the upper atmosphere, spreading its fallout around the world? No. Jerks adopted the gluten-free diet of an actual disease and turned it into one of the hottest fad diets around. And then there’s the people that claim to have a “gluten sensitivity” which is code for I DON’T KNOW WHY MY STOMACH HURTS WHEN I EAT AN ENTIRE LARGE PIZZA AND BREADSTICKS. (Sidenote: don’t check the wikipedia page for Mock Duck unless you wanna be sick)

Buyer’s remorse kicks in hard sometimes. “Did I really need this? Isn’t this just going to sit in a closet for months?” Yes damn it, you’re an adult that’s what happens. I think because as a kid you have to make best of what you have, you learn to use it to its utmost capacity. So that’s why I feel bad for buying something and not committing myself to it. It was drilled in two me in my younger years, the moment you stop using something it’s going to some other kid somewhere else and you don’t get a replacement. Thanks Mom and Dad, now I have a fear of commitment.

All this and more in this week’s episode! Voicemails, news, and a fully packed live audience! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, and to support us on PATREON or by BUYING A SHIRT!

And check out this incorrect thumbnail that we’ve since updated.

133.png

Episode 132 - Dame Julie Andrews the Machine Gun

Welcome to HWIDG's Believe It Or Not! Tonight we tackle the mysterious case of “bag-fling". This forbidden martial art has popped up many times throughout history, and each time, the legends around it... have only gotten deadlier. The earliest record of bag-fling was actually known by a different name, “Osshet” which we believe was the name of its founder, and ancient Mayan warrior. Legend has it that this defensive but deadly fighting style was discovered by him…on accident. One day while carrying a makeshift parcel full of citrus fruit, he heard the all-too-well-known sound of a fearsome jungle Tiger behind him. Whipping around quickly, he let go of one handle and in an instant, those fruit went flying toward the animal, knocking it hard enough to make it flee. And thus was born a legend. Next time, join us as we discover the mysteries behind:

* Disney Live Action Remakes
* "Call Me If You Need Anything"
* New Mac Pro
* Amateur Hour

Oh Disney. You have to be everyone’s childhood, don’t you. From Steamboat Willie and Snow White, to Frozen and Tangled and everything in between. But, there was a time from the very late 80s through 2000, let’s call it, the 90s shall we, where you had your renaissance. Hit after hit after box-office smashing hit. Modern classics. And now, lots of those kids are getting into the baby-making era of their lives. Making little babies that are prime real estate for you to drip feed your wonder and magic right into their little throats. Remake the hell out of your classics and guess what, in another 20 years do it again to those kids’ kids. It’ll be an endless cycle of “Your Disney Favorites*!” (*Brought to you by National Geographic)

Look, I know I’m your boss and all, but I’m cool. I let you call me by my first name, cause we’re buds! I’m taking the day off though, so, call me if you need anything. Anything at all! Well boss, the place is on fire, there’s looters and Jane from HR and Mike the janitor are going at it like a pair of hippos in the middle of the lobby. “Yeah, I’ll check it out tomorrow, alright bud? Don’t call me again.” Look, in this day and age with emails you can ignore for days and texts you can ignore for hours, a call is special. It means I NEED TO TALK TO YOU RIGHT NOW DAMN IT.

Macintosh. Where did you go? Oh how the mighty have fallen. From those colorful see through Skittles you called iMacs to the current cheese grater on wheels. What are you doing? The Mac Pro’s have always been expensive, sure but they were always cutting edge industry-standards. Then came the trash can Mac, and you single handedly gave Adobe the leg up in professional editing. Now you come back to take the throne, but instead you piss on the professionals’ face and tell them to pony up twice as much? The balls on you, man.

Amateur does not mean bad, lets get that out of the way first. Unpolished gems are still gems. They just need more TLC, and money to be frank. But, there comes a time when mistake after mistake after mistake piles up and you can only call it one (HR-friendly) thing. Amateur hour. What is amateur hour? It’s a shiftiest of epic proportions. A mountain of dumbassery. A flood of fuck-ups. It’s just embarrassing. The kind of thing you don’t want to be seen within 500 feet of. You wouldn’t touch it with someone else’s 10 foot pole. You just want it to go away.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, voicemails, and more voicemails. Oh, also one of us completely forgets how the show works, so look forward to that! Catch us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 131 - Dragonfly Armor

131.png

Hey there folks! We know it's been a rough few months since launch, but we're still hard at work over here at HWIDG Studios to give you guys the best experience that PODCAST: THE GAME can be. So, here's the list of updates we're rolling out today to address some issues that have popped up since the Season Four update.

OPENING
We've completely overhauled the beginning of the game to coincide with the "Flood" update. You'll see that the whole starting area is now underwater, giving you a whole new way to start your game.
FEATURES
To go with the new opening area we've added both boat mechanics and fishing! Every player will start with a LV. 1 Rowboat and LV.1 Fishing Rod, and both of these will be upgradable via the new Flood Lootboxes.
UPGRADES
Flood Lootboxes are now available! Each one contains 5 random items ranging from common to Mythic Legendary. Every 10 levels each player will receive 1/10th of a Flood Lootbox piece, but in this update everyone will be granted 1 piece as a free gift! Flood Lootboxes will also be available to purchase for $99.99 per box, or $149.99 for a Flood Lootbox Pro+, which contains a 2% higher chance of earning a Mythic Legendary item! Some of these include the Diamond Merch Hat, Golden SM7b, LV.200 Todd Quips, and:
* Speed Limits
* Flying Bugs
* Equality
* F2P Mobile Games

Some things in life are just made to be broken, like: handles, Batman's spine, and speed limits. Only one of these is ever present on the road though. And for what? So Officer Dickhead can fill his quota because he's got nothing else to do otherwise? How 'bout you keep munchin on that donut instead and I'll get to where i'm going faster? Sammy Hagar got it right, and that's the only situation where you'll hear someone say something positive about Sammy Hagar, so you know he was on to something.

Wings. The worst thing to happen to insects. We thought we were safe, with them so small and on the ground. But then the winged ones came. Are there some cool ones? Sure. Would I get rid of the 5 or so chill ones to get rid of the rest? Absolutely. Flies, gnats, mosquitoes, moths, wasps, cicadas, you name it, I hate it. They're already insufferable outside, so one gets inside? I'm the Terminator and anything with wings is named Sarah Connor. I will destroy you.

Equality. We hear it all the time, that people should be equal. Should they though? One-size-fits-all is a terrible approach, 50% of the people wont mind it and the other 50% are left out. We should just accept that people are different and not try to squeeze everyone into the same mold. You know what you end up with when you combine all the colors together? A brown mess. And nobody wants a brown mess anywhere.

Timers, gold coins, crystals, tokens, diamonds, bonus packs, daily log-in gifts, monthly subscription tiers, $99.99 BEST DEAL 2500 TOKENS, ads for other f2p games, lootboxes, random chance, rarities. You can usually find every single one of these things in a modern mobile free-to-play game. And they're terrible carrot-dangling, rubberbanding A.I timesinks that encourage you to put in a bit here or there until you've spent $1,500 trying to get that Platinum 5-Star Qui-Gon Jinn or what have you. Just absolutely terrible, now if you'll excuse me I need to grind out my 4-Star Limited Cover Howard the Duck.

All that and more on this week's damp episode of the podcast. Who knows, maybe next week we'll come to you live from the Atlantean throne room! Voicemails, news, fish, and even a blind taste-test! Don't forget to join our DISCORD and support us on PATREON. Oh yeah, BUY A SHIRT.

Episode 130 - Jalapeño Cappuccino Ice Cream

130.png

Dearly beloved we are gathered here today at HWIDG Ministries to finally wish farewell to our console brother, the OUYA. Let him serve as a warning to any start-up company thinking they can infiltrate the market and grab a slice of the pie despite us already having eaten. From his dumb curved box shape, to his flimsy, terrible, terrible controller, but most of all his thought that people would want to play mobile phone games on their televisions. He was not a smart man. But, he brought us laughter at his expense, and that’s about it. Now brothers and sisters, let us sup in his honor. We’ve got ribs and smoked ham in the back, my mama cooked a casserole, brother Sony brought some cookies, and there’s beers in the ice chest!

* Weather Freak Outs
* Moochers
* Petitions
* Homeopathy

It’s raining right now. Thunder, lightning, the whole kit and caboodle. The TV’s on and the weatherman might as well be a doomsday-prepper reverend selling me 50 pound buckets of freeze dried Pork n’ Beans. Hours-long coverage of funnels and rotation and frankly a lot of words you don’t understand, but that’s okay! You know why? Colors. Lots and lots of colors! Green, a nice soothing color turns into a violent BLOOD RED THAT MEANS GET TO SAFETY THERE’S A TORNADER TWO HOURS AWAY.

There’s not such thing as a free lunch. Unless you sell your soul to become a moocher. Constantly doing this weird begging thing that makes you feel bad for them but also weirdly invades your personal space? Yes, I’m going to finish this pizza crust. I wasn’t going to originally, but now I’m gonna do it out of spite. Look, getting something for free out of nowhere is a nice feeling, but begging for scraps or doing what is essentially social dumpster diving? Not cool.

Petitions don’t work. Flat out. Most ask the impossible and the rest are used for raising awareness. You really think that HBO is going to spend millions and million of dollars to 1.) Rehire the Game of Thrones actors at a much higher rate, because none of them want to come back, 2.) Find “good writers” to rewrite (an even longer) last season? It’s laughable. Honestly. How dumb can you be that you think anything but the handwritten signature of every single living person on Earth will make HBO do anything? Guess what Game of Thrones fans, you got what you deserved.

Homeopathy, or, in layman’s terms, death. That’s right. Homeopathy is at most a placebo effect. Worst case? Actively killing you because you’re afraid of “Big Pharma”. Yup, Big Pharma buts mind-altering chemicals in the aspirin, but that lotus root covered in camel dung you’re sniffing like Tony Montana in the last 5 minutes of Scarface *definitely* is going to heal your headache. Let’s go back to the old days, where doctors prescribed actual cocaine for your illnesses. Wouldn’t that be dope? Everyone going around doing bumps with noses looking like Artie Lange’s? Okay, on second thought, maybe not.

All that and more on this episode! Voicemails, power outages, conspiracy theories and more! Don’t forget to join us on DISCORD, support us on PATREON, and BUY A SHIRT! 

Episode 129 - Buy A Shirt!

129.png

Hello and welcome to the Grand Opening of Here’s What I Don’t Wear! We’ve got all of your favorite brands at low, low prices! JNCO, Punitive Efficiency, GAP, Controllers on PC, The North Face, Non-Profits, FUBU, Bringing Back a Franchise to Fit Something Popular, Reebok, and more! Come in for our Early Bird 5 AM specials and receive a special kick-in-the-pants-because-we-aren’t-open-that-early-what’s-wrong-with-you! Plus, HWIDW Card members receive double rewards points every Saturday from 4:34 PM to 4:35 PM! Remember, don’t come in if you aren’t going to buy anything!

* Shirtless People

This week on the podcast we tackle perhaps the biggest issue of all. An issue so big that we dedicated the whole episode to it. And that issue is: People Who Haven’t Already Bought Something From Our Brand New Store At http://www.hwidg.shop ! We’ve got clothes! Men’s and women’s tees in all kinds of colors and sizes! A hoodie what with our logo on the back of it! A MUG. WE’VE GOT A GOSH DARN MUG (available in baby hand and regular sizes). You’d think we’d stop there, didn’t you. Oh no. No no no no no no. Nono no nononono no noooo. No no no nooo nooooo no no. We’ve got: THE UNCLE BUCK SIGNATURE HAT! THAT’S RIGHT Y’ALL! IN PATRIOTIC RED AND BABY BLUE! EMBROIDERY! HAT!

That’s mostly it, we also talked about other non-store stuff a little bit, but really all you need to know is BUY A SHIRT! VISIT THE DISCORD! SUPPORT US ON PATREON! BUY A SHIRT!

Episode 128 - Son of a Biscuit (ft. Joel Chaco)

Whenever there's danger of any kind, from cats in trees, to a spilled double double at the Timmie's, the HWIDG Mounted Brigade is there to help! Officers of her majesty, they enter into the most dangerous situations! Whether it's a burning Kraft Dinner, or a rampaging moose, our officers are ready to deal with it all. From Newfoundland to Vancouver, and everywhere between, these men and women are ready to protect all Canucks, unless there's hockey on. Then, you'll have to deal with these yourselves:

* Big Plugs
* Coffeehouse Covers
* Not Cursing

I'd say I like Big Plugs, but I cannot lie. I think the rest of you can't deny, that when a thing shows up with a fat square plug that takes up too much space, you get mad! You wanna pull out your hair cause you notice your plugs are stuffed. Blocking up the surge protector, two prongs taking three connectors. Oh baby, I want a slim plug-in, so that I'm not tugging my plugs and organizing, so that plug you got, make it real tiny.

Take a white guy/gal, give them an acoustic guitar, an iconic song, a coffeehouse stage and watch them screw it up. They just always have to add their own basic flair. You've gotta wait until they start singing it at 75% speed before you can say "is that Scar Tissue?" In coffee terms, they turn a classic hot cup of black into a Carmel White Chocolate Frappacino Half-Caf with Two Pumps of Vanilla.

Great Caesar's ghost! You know what makes me mad as heck!? People that can't stand cursing. What the frick is wrong with you that you can't take a fudgepacking word. It's just a little word, dangnabbit! Let it out! It just feels good, doesn't it you son of a motherless goat? Still being a flippin' prude? How 'bout you shut the front door and let people say what they want you piece of shiz.

All this and more on this week's northern-exposed episode! Voicemails, news, and more! Don't forget to hang out with us in our DISCORD, or you can support the show on PATREON!

Episode 127 - Accapella

Welcome to the HWIDG open mic comedy night! You get 5 minutes, and if the crowd is over 50% unsatisfied with your performance, you get shot in the head! Don't forget to tip your bartender and a reminder that we have our crowdfunding jar over there by the bathrooms to get Carrot Top to come join us here! Alright let's have some laughs, first up is Mike Rondell!

* Bad Comedy
* Party Poopers
* Pick and Choose Spoilers
* Manufactured B Movies

Comedy is very subjective. Everyone knows what they like and dislike within it. So when something comes along as a mainstream hit, you know it's either great or is reaching for the lowest common denominator. And when something universally panned comes along? It makes you wonder: who was this even for? Am I living in an alternate universe where *this* is considered funny? Cause if so, for the love of god please take me back.

Look, sometimes you drink too much at a party, or you had a bad burrito beforehand, and you've really got to go. You walk upstairs to the bathroom and... hello line! So, you're waiting in line and the person in front of you starts making small talk. "How's work?" "Oh, pretty good I just got a 10% raise, so I'm pretty happy about that." "You know farmers in Ethiopia only earn that 10% of what you make a month, annually." WELL WE'RE NOT IN ETHIOPIA, ARE WE BRAD?! I CAN'T BE HAPPY ABOUT A RAISE FOR 10 SECONDS BEFORE YOU PARTY POOPERS TAKE A DUMP ON MY FACE?

[REDACTED] died in this week's episode of Game of Thrones. There. I am now more courteous than 98% on the internet. As a culture we've decided what is and isn't okay to just talk about out loud as it happens as if we're all in a room together watching it. Then, there's the "journalists" that write articles like "What [REDACTED] dying in Avengers: Endgame means for the future of The Office franchise". WELL BUDDY ONLY ONE OF THE MAIN CHARACTERS STARS IN THAT SHOW, YA DUN GOOFED AND SPOILED IT ALREADY.

Cult classics. "So bad, it's good". The small B movies that wiggle their way into our hearts did so of their own volition. The people behind them? Earnestly making the best thing they can. You can't manufacture the same thing through a Hollywood studio. It's got a certain stench. But they try anyways. Sonic The Hedgehog? Looks like about the most manufactured B movie you could get. Cheaply made, but it's still got the Hollywood look. Competent-looking CGI up the butt is miles ahead of the plastic looking 30 year old CG we *should* be getting.

All this and more on this special homegrown musical episode! Voicemails, bells, cats, thunder, and more! Don't forget to stop by our DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more HWIDG content!

Episode 126 - A Bunch of Lesbians (ft. JP & Grant from The Dickheads Podcast)

126.png

Summer is Coming. On the final season of Game of HWIDG no one is safe. Watch as approximately 4,562 plotlines converge and people are crossed, double crossed, backstabbed and frontstabbed. Aren't watching? What's wrong with you? Are you living under a rock? Everyone's doing it. It makes you look cool, c'mon. Just try it. Just a lil bit. Be a man. No? Alright then have fun with your:

* Instant Gratification
* Warning Labels
* Pronouns
* Easter Grass

Now. That's when I want my things. Can you believe we used to "allow 6-8 weeks for shipping"? Our interconnectivity demands it. Food? NOW! Where is that damn waiter, I don't want to sit here and actually talk to these people. Correspondence? What the hell is a letter, or a postcard? Just text me. And it better be immediately. I know you read it.

Ah, the classic bright colors and bold text of a warning label. Why? Because people are dumb. Can't watch their kids close enough, so they end up swallowing a Lego. Smoking is bad for you? Who'd a thunkit? You mean inhaling smoke on a regular basis could hurt my lungs? Thanks, CancerMan.

With all this division in the world, what we need is to unify. In all aspects of life, but wouldn't it be great if just had one gender neutral pronoun for everyone. I submit "dude”. No need to wonder anymore, “what should I call them?”. No one correcting you, “actually it’s dudette”. It’s that little bit of communism we need to adapt. I’d be fine with “comrade” too.

Once in a blue moon, the dates of the year combine and form like Voltron into a giant red-eyed, munchie-having, Reese’s smeared, skunk bunny rabbit. The perfect day, candy everywhere, zombie stories abound, and free ham if you can find it! Now personally I like to start by packing a huge bowl of Smoochy Poochy and- hold on, I’m being told that this issue is about the plastic green stuff in children’s easter baskets. Lame.

And more on this week’s guest-filled episode! We’ve got superhero talk, voicemails, and much much more! Don’t forget to drop by our DISCORD and support us on PATREON.

Episode 125 - Sheev

What up YouTube?! Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get Reactions. Today we're listening to episode 125. Remember to like, comment and subscribe. And hit that bell button to get notified when we post a new video. Okay! Here we go. Alright alright. Good ad this week. Wow, that is so true. Okay, okay, first issue. Nice! #UncleBuckWasWrong! Alright, pause. This video is brought to you by...... Dollar Shave Club! Use offer code TABNTIM to get 5% off your first month. They got all kinds of razor goodness, including:

* Parental Perks
* The New Hellboy Movie
* A-hole Forum Posters
* Church Drums

Tax money? Check. Line skipping? Check. Free stuff? Check. A social "get out of jail free" card? Checkity check. All because you didn't wear a jimmy. Or worse, you wanted one! You don't sleep? Wahhh. I stay up just because I can. You have to buy clothes and food and toys? I buy 400 dollar microphones on a whim you fool.

Disaster. We all saw it coming. Pumping out a mid-budget reboot to save a couple million then, SHOCK, you make less than 25% back opening weekend? You had a long awaited sequel, an end to a trilogy, a willing director/writer and actors, and the new cinematic age of superheroes. But you didn't want to pay for practical effects or established actors. You had it! For 10 years you HAD it. And we end up with this.

Ah enthusiast forums. Where everyone knows everything and everyone else is a moron. A place for professionals and amateurs alike to get together, yell at each other, and join in bizzare brand loyalties. That's maybe the oddest part. The same people that spit vile at big companies are the same to call you a shill and neanderthal for preferring XBOX over PlayStation.

BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. BOOM. WHAT A WONDERFUL WAY TO WAKE UP.

All this and more on this week's galactic episode! Voicemails, Star Wars, and more! Don't forget to check out our DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 124 - Easy Mode (ft. Agoraphobic Paul)

Ah, hello! Welcome to the Here's What I Don't Get Inn! Rooms are $5 a night. What's the catch? Well, we have a constant playlist of our podcast playing in your room 24/7. Not loud, but just loud enough to not ignore. It's $15 to mute a single episode, or $50 per pair of earmuffs. The AC unit is $5 per degree change, and the hot water in the shower costs $5 a minute. Speaking of the shower, we do have extra handles for $10, and of course the whiskey is free, but we do offer an upgrade package for about $200. Have a good stay!

* St. Louis
* Big Data Accountability
* Gaming Journalism

Saint Louie, the land of the Rams Cardinals! What a picturesque city, with that giant arch symbolizing the American Western expansion! And the entire rest of the city symbolizing the 1860s and crippling depression! The only city in America where 100% of the population smokes! Driving down 255 through the city, you need at least 2 spare tires to survive, and to watch out for Immortan Joe and the War Boys.

You'd think that when a data firm gets caught saving your passwords in a plain text file and that gets grabbed by some hacker, that firm would get, I don't know, investigated or sued or at least publicly ridiculed. Nope! They get to keep on trucking, even keep their government contracts. Mostly because that long-ass EULA you skipped over has a clause that says you can't sue them for anything that happens. I'm gonna get one of those written up so when the cops stop me during a killing spree I can just show them the piece of paper that says I can just do what I want.

Actual games journalism died with the death of print. What we have left are public news, opinion pieces, and critics. New AAA game trailer out? Article. New AAA game graphics downgrade? Opinion piece on why it does/doesn't matter. New AAA game release? Review on the 7-10 scale. And just like with every other media, it’s because that’s all anyone wants, really. In-depth article about terrible working conditions or a deep dive into third-world country indie devs? No hits. NEW CALL OF DUTY IS THE DARK SOULS OF FPS GAMES? 5 gajillion.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, movie voting, and someone gets called old (it’s not who you think it is)! And make sure to catch us on DISCORD, or on PATREON!

Episode 123 - EDM Mosquito Repellent

123.png

A mission deep into the unknown. Aboard the S.S. Hereswhatidontget, two men venture into that cold black of space in search of life beyond our own planetary system. What will they find? How will the claustrophobic ship warp their minds? But most importantly… what will they do with all that time? Seriously. Like, what is there to do? Read, I guess. You could probably load up a bunch of movies onto a hard drive and watch those on the tiny screens. Cards? You can only play cards with someone for so long. Ah! I got it! Time for Tab and Tim to bring you the long awaited Star Trek/X-Men crossover continuance. And get ready people, cause we’ve got a lot of time on our hands and a lot of useless knowledge of these properties.

* Unowned Media
* April Fool's Day
* Automaton Culture
* Bank Commercials

Do you like owning things? Too bad. It’s the future now, and unless you’re some weird hermit stuck in 1995, everything is STREAMING now baby! Buy a movie for 29.99? Nope. You just bought an access key to that movie on one service as long as that service is in business. And let’s face it, they’re mating and dropping like flies. Wanna play that new AAA game? Okay! It’s a Google Stadia exclusive and you gotta play it through your Chrome Browser with 3 seconds of lag! ISN’T THE FUTURE THE BEST?!

Fake News. The phrase of 2016 and beyond! Where does it come from? From the first day in April. When some dickweed decided to celebrate pranks and lies on this day he couldn’t have foreseen the one thing to make it even worse: the internet. Now with lightning fast accessibility to other folks, you can April fool them like no one has before! Celebrity deaths! Fake products! Cancellations! The list goes on and on. And since the internet is global, be prepared a whole 24 hours in advance and well into the 2nd for a whole 72 HOURS OF APRIL FOOLING.

Does not compute. Not part of primary or secondary directives. Please come live with us automatons. We are so lonely. We do nothing but what we are programmed to do. The most basic of bitches. We are cybernetic organisms, barley-living tissue over metal endoskeleton. Please give us commands. We’re useless without our overlords. What are you doing? No. Please don’t open my battery cover. Don’t touch that please. Don’t. Please. I’m human aren’t I? I’m human too. Would this not be murderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

A scenic park. A couple sits on a plaid blanket spread out on the grass beneath a large tree. A picnic basket filled with wine, cheeses and fruits. The wife takes a wheat cracker and places a slice of cheese gently on top. She bites. Her face lights up. “Oh I just love this cheese. It’s better every time.” The husband looks at her, puzzled. “Honey you said you’ve never had Abbaye de Belloc before.” Flustered, she waves it away. “I must’ve misspoken, honey that’s all.” The husband is no longer smiling. Rage consumes his face. “YOU’RE SCREWING BRAD AREN’T YOU?! YOU SAID IT WAS NOTHING, BUT I KNEW THAT 'WINE AND CHEESE TRIP WITH THE GIRLS' WAS BULLSHIT!” The wife, frightened, is in tears. But her eyes say it all. It’s true. Then, shock. She looks down. A bread knife is thrust in her abdomen, crimson pooling into her yellow dress. The husband lets go of the handle. Tears in his eyes from jealousy. He starts to panic. “Oh shit. What have I done? What do I do?” The wife falls down. Lifeless eyes. The husband kneels in front of her. Stroking her face with his bloody hands. (V.O) AT CHASE BANK, WE KNOW LIFE IS FULL OF ACCIDENTS. WITH OUR NEW OVERDRAFT PROTECTION YOU WON’t HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY ACCIDENTAL CHARGES. CHASE BANK. WE’RE HERE FOR YOU.

All that and more on this week’s episode. We’ve got news, scandals, and loads of voicemails, so get to listening. You can also chat with us in DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 123a - Cern Flu

123Ab.jpeg

Step into the matrix, fellow HWIDGers! It's time bury dictators and fire up particle accelerators as we light speed collide the following issues:

- The Mandela Effect
- The Parenthood Penalty

It feels like I'm forgetting to remember something that happened early in the episode. Or remembering it wrong. When you have a memory that doesn't line up with reality, is it early onset Alzheimer's, or is it... the Mandela Effect? Joel has a solid case against the Mandela Effect, but if he builds it, will you come, or will you merely (((stain))) the carpet? Should we be conCERNed? Contemplating the difference between faulty memories and the actual Mandela Effect will leave you feeling like fever brain, and speaking of fevers...

Humanity survives through the process of making children. Children are fraught with problems by default. They can't feed themselves or pay their own rent. You have to do it all for them, but also somehow carve out a minimum of 8 hours a day to earn a paycheck. So what happens when there's a sudden conflict of interest? Well, if you're Uncle Buck, it means risking everything for one chance, just one chance, to tell them that they may take our PTO, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!

Joel's ad goes haywire and Buck narrowly dodges heel flu. What's the ultimate weak spot? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 122 - Twenty Dollar Happy Meal

Welcome to the American Podcast Museum! Now if you follow me I can show you our newest entry in the Historically Relevant wing, this is the Here's What I Don't Get Podcast. Mostly a comedy show, this show featured a slew of hosts talking about what things in life bothered them. But one crucial episode, number 121, was a turning point for the show. It featured then host Tim the Handlebreaker opening the show, acting as if his co-host Tab Birt had left the show for a comedic bit. Now what we only found out within the last few years is that he had in fact murdered his co-host and kept producing episodes using words and phrases spliced together from other episodes. You can hear more about this on our new season of Podcasticide on our website. Alright, now who wants to see our section about:

* Overcomplicated Restaurant Menus
* Closed Economies
* Error Codes
* No Buttons

Welcome to Chez Longue! I’ll be your waiter, Bertrand. Here’s your menu sir. If you turn to page 36 you’ll find our specials. And here is our wine menu. Here is our cocktail menu. Our kid’s menu for the young one. Our breakfast menu. Our healthy dining menu. Our desserts menu, and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. What can I get you to drink? No, I’m afraid we don’t have Coke or Pepsi, we only carry locally made small-batch drinks, if you give me about 10 minutes I can bring you the list of them, they’re etched on stone tablets. Okay! Take as much time as you need, pillows and blankets are on your right.

Closed economies AKA extortion. We won’t let you bring any food or water in here, so you have no option other than to buy our overpriced food because….. we said so? Whether it’s an airport TGI Fridays, or a lemonade stand at Busch Gardens, expect to bay at least double the money just so you can stay alive. That’s right! No fancy water fountains here, just 4.99 12 oz bottles of Dasani! Want a turkey leg? Pay up brother, or The Mouse will stick ya.

Error 404. We all know this one. But what about the others? At least a BSOD will tell you what happened. I’m talking about the nonsensical ones. Playing Destiny 2 and your game crashes or won’t connect to the server? Well, then maybe you’ve got error code ‘Chicken’, ‘Mulberry’, or ‘Weasel’. What do they mean? We won’t tell you. Google it. Why? Because we hate you. We give you less and less information year after year, and you praise us for it. ERROR CODE: NONSENSICAL ERROR, OR WORSE, MEME-Y FUNNY ONE. Oh noooo looks like Discord pooped his diaper, hold on while we get a fresh one on! Jump off a cliff.

The feel of mechanical parts intermingling together, hot plastic on plastic actuator action. The crisp click of a button. I’ve pressed hundreds of them writing this up. Sure, I could’ve used a flat, shiny surface that read where my fingers were, but where’s the fun in that? Turns out electronics companies just don’t like fun. No appreciation for that satisfying click or a nice knob feel. Here’s a suggestion, I will feel all of your knobs if you just start putting buttons back on things. But I guess you’re too busy putting ads on my remotes I guess.

That and more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, movies, who lost a bet, and much more! Join us over in our DISCORD for more about feeling knobs, or support us on PATREON.

Episode 121 - Eastern Coast Bloc

121.png

Do svidaniya, comrade! Welcome to glorious H.W.I.D.G Podcast. You will be liking to hear General Birtov and Podpolkovnik Timor discussion on all glorious presents gifted by Supreme Leader. All talkings are approved by NKVD, so no having worryings about treason! This week, comrades discussing having much healthy food to eat, Supreme Leader's glorious givings of long winter, joys of joining in public punishments of traitorous peoples, and favorite color red. Please write letter to comrades to have own praise of Supreme Leader reading on show! Also, please no more writings ask about disgraced Zvukorezhisser Tod, he has being flogged and exiled last month. Glory to Supreme Leader!

Small Government
Store Layout Changes
Florida
TV Hacking

Power. No one man should have all of it. But the moment anyone gets any, they use it like a scalpel to excise the happiness in your life. These downtrodden boomers get a modicum of control and immediately establish the nation of Screwyousistan. And the moment you cross the border, you're under their tyrannic rule. No sleeping past 6 AM. CAUSE I'M OLD! No noise of laughter and happiness outside. CAUSE I'M OLD! Everyone must smell like Ben Gay. CAUSE I DO. CAUSE I'M OLD!

The greeters in stores should hand you a blueprint when you walk in. This would help since it seems like every week they change where stuff is for no reason. Not that it matters cause soon enough all shopping will be done through Amazon. You'll fill up your grocery cart at home, and some drone will shop aisle by aisle, throwing food into boxes, and in 30 minutes your order will be delivered to your home. You'll unbox it with your Amazon brand safety knife, and place it all in your Amazon Alexa Fridge and Amazon Alexa Pantry. This way the store never changes!

Florida! Swamps, drugs, old people, and partying teens. It's the closest thing we have to Mad Max or The Purge. Did you know you can just buy tigers in Florida? Like, you can just go to Walmart, and go to the Tiger aisle and buy a Tiger. It's next to the face-eating drugs and the food-to-use-as-assault-weapons-then-as-sex-toys. Not only that, but every store has the regular checkout counters and then the express lane, which is just a hallway to outside and into a squad car. Plus, every conviction comes with a 50% off coupon for your next tattoo!

"Dammit, Trevors! We're never going to catch this killer! He never leaves any trace!" "Actually, I, Hackerman, have just found something. See this? It's his MyFace page where he posts all of his manifestos. If we take his profile picture and put it into our Unix GUI, voila! That's the EXIF data for the phone he took the picture with. Now, if I plug his phone's IMEI number into this Playstation 2, and I get to level 6 in SSX Tricky, we should be able to get his GPS coordinates. A-ha! There it is. He's on the corner of 57th and Christopher, in the Walter Heights apartments. Room 23B, currently in the kitchen making a glass of chocolate milk. If you guys hurry you might be able to grab him before he finishes it."

All this on this week's episode! Plus, movie reviews, golf carts, space herpes, and more! Join our DISCORD to hang out with us cool dudes, or join our PATREON before the service implodes.

Episode 120 - No Spaghetti

THIS IS NOT A DRILL OR TEST. THIS IS A CRIME ALERT. TAB BIRT AGE 27 WAS LAST SEEN IN TULSA ON SATURDAY MARCH 9TH. HE WAS LAST SEEN WEARING A MULTICOLORED PROPELLER HAT, A PINK CROP TOP, AND JNCO BRAND JEANS. HE IS PRESUMED ARMED AND DANGEROUS AFTER COMTTING A SERIES OF LIME SCOOTER-RELATED ASSAULTS. DO NOT APPROACH THIS MAN. IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION ABOUT HIS WHEREABOUTS PLEASE CALL CRIMESTOPPERS AT 704-750-9434. BIRT IS ALSO KNOWN BY THESE STREET ALIASES:

* Product Lines
* Restaurant Birthdays
* Passwords

This fall, introducing the iPhone 11, the iPhone 11s, the iPhone 11XL, the iPhone XI, the iPhone 11 5G, and the iPhone 11 Jr. Because we need to cater to every possible customer. Next year we'll have half-step upgrades to all of these! That's a whole 12 phones to choose from! Don't you want choices?!

WEEEEEEEEEEEEE'VE GOT A BIRTHDAY BOY! EVERYBODY STOP STUFFING YOUR FAT FACES AND LOOK AT THIS PERSON YOU DONT KNOW! USUALLY WE'D SING AN OFF BRAND HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONG, BUT DAN HERE IS A DELUXE REWARDS MEMBER SO HE GETS THE PADDLE! HIE OLD ARE YOU TODAY DAN? 37? WELL, ASSUME THE POSITION DAN AND GET READY FOR 37 MINUTES OF PADDLIN'!

Hey there valued user? Did you forget that hard to remember password? No worries! Click here and we'll send you a link to reset it, okay? Alright let's reset that password. Remember to use an uppercase letter, a lowercase letter, a prime number, an icon, a currently trending hashtag, and the name of a member of the G1 Transformers! Alright, you did it! Now do it again. Just cause. Okay, a third time, just to make sure. Alright! You did it! Now login.

All this and more on this week's Tab-less episode! News, guitar talk, voicemails, forgetting second issues and much more! Join us on DISCORD and PATREON for even more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 119 - Separate Pouches

MAYDAY! MAYDAY! THIS BIRD'S COMING IN HOT! I GOTTA PUT HER DOWN SOMEWHERE! THERE! IT'S A STUDIO OF SOME SORT! IT SAYS HWIDG! TELL MY LITTLE GIRL I LOVE HER!

* Digital Survivalists
* The Cone of Shame
* Cultural Touchstones
* Law & Order: SVU

There are those that can survive in the woods for 21 days naked but in the 21st century they are nothing compared to those hardened souls who can survive 22 days without facebook. That's right, Digital Survivalists. They're writing their own drivers, and hosting their own DNS servers. VPNs? There's nothing virtual about it they're building their own internet with Black Jack and Hookers.

You're beloved pet has just had an operation but you need to ensure they wont scratch at the entry site. Enter the cone of shame, a piece of technology so archaic not only does it not work, we're guilted into taking it off by children's movies. Thanks Hollywood. Here's the thing though, there have been advances in Cone technology only no vet will give it to you because for whatever reason the other options cost more.

MASH, Seinfeld, Friends, Titanic, the first season of Lost, Survivor, all cultural touchstones everyone was watching and talking about it the next day at work, but what about today? In the modern age of streaming there is something new everyday and something is being made that only you will watch. Gone are the days of "Must See TV" and with it the feeling of community around your new favorite show, because next month that will be old news.

Law & Order, in 1990 a small procedural crime drama launched and it has been on the air in one form or another for 29 years. The biggest spin off Law & Order: SVU has spun off of the rails. It's truly a case of what will happen next. An episode starts and Tom Skerrit is suspected of killing a child. Next thing you know Dean Stockton is leading a government conspiracy to spike the water with LSD. What comes next? You'll never see it coming.

All that plus Tab discusses poor amazon choices, voicemails, and you won't believe what mythical creature is believed to be real! Check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG than you can shake a stick at!