Episode 125 - Sheev

What up YouTube?! Welcome back to Here's What I Don't Get Reactions. Today we're listening to episode 125. Remember to like, comment and subscribe. And hit that bell button to get notified when we post a new video. Okay! Here we go. Alright alright. Good ad this week. Wow, that is so true. Okay, okay, first issue. Nice! #UncleBuckWasWrong! Alright, pause. This video is brought to you by...... Dollar Shave Club! Use offer code TABNTIM to get 5% off your first month. They got all kinds of razor goodness, including:

* Parental Perks
* The New Hellboy Movie
* A-hole Forum Posters
* Church Drums

Tax money? Check. Line skipping? Check. Free stuff? Check. A social "get out of jail free" card? Checkity check. All because you didn't wear a jimmy. Or worse, you wanted one! You don't sleep? Wahhh. I stay up just because I can. You have to buy clothes and food and toys? I buy 400 dollar microphones on a whim you fool.

Disaster. We all saw it coming. Pumping out a mid-budget reboot to save a couple million then, SHOCK, you make less than 25% back opening weekend? You had a long awaited sequel, an end to a trilogy, a willing director/writer and actors, and the new cinematic age of superheroes. But you didn't want to pay for practical effects or established actors. You had it! For 10 years you HAD it. And we end up with this.

Ah enthusiast forums. Where everyone knows everything and everyone else is a moron. A place for professionals and amateurs alike to get together, yell at each other, and join in bizzare brand loyalties. That's maybe the oddest part. The same people that spit vile at big companies are the same to call you a shill and neanderthal for preferring XBOX over PlayStation.


All this and more on this week's galactic episode! Voicemails, Star Wars, and more! Don't forget to check out our DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 124 - Easy Mode (ft. Agoraphobic Paul)

Ah, hello! Welcome to the Here's What I Don't Get Inn! Rooms are $5 a night. What's the catch? Well, we have a constant playlist of our podcast playing in your room 24/7. Not loud, but just loud enough to not ignore. It's $15 to mute a single episode, or $50 per pair of earmuffs. The AC unit is $5 per degree change, and the hot water in the shower costs $5 a minute. Speaking of the shower, we do have extra handles for $10, and of course the whiskey is free, but we do offer an upgrade package for about $200. Have a good stay!

* St. Louis
* Big Data Accountability
* Gaming Journalism

Saint Louie, the land of the Rams Cardinals! What a picturesque city, with that giant arch symbolizing the American Western expansion! And the entire rest of the city symbolizing the 1860s and crippling depression! The only city in America where 100% of the population smokes! Driving down 255 through the city, you need at least 2 spare tires to survive, and to watch out for Immortan Joe and the War Boys.

You'd think that when a data firm gets caught saving your passwords in a plain text file and that gets grabbed by some hacker, that firm would get, I don't know, investigated or sued or at least publicly ridiculed. Nope! They get to keep on trucking, even keep their government contracts. Mostly because that long-ass EULA you skipped over has a clause that says you can't sue them for anything that happens. I'm gonna get one of those written up so when the cops stop me during a killing spree I can just show them the piece of paper that says I can just do what I want.

Actual games journalism died with the death of print. What we have left are public news, opinion pieces, and critics. New AAA game trailer out? Article. New AAA game graphics downgrade? Opinion piece on why it does/doesn't matter. New AAA game release? Review on the 7-10 scale. And just like with every other media, it’s because that’s all anyone wants, really. In-depth article about terrible working conditions or a deep dive into third-world country indie devs? No hits. NEW CALL OF DUTY IS THE DARK SOULS OF FPS GAMES? 5 gajillion.

All this and more on this week's episode! Voicemails, movie voting, and someone gets called old (it’s not who you think it is)! And make sure to catch us on DISCORD, or on PATREON!

Episode 123 - EDM Mosquito Repellent


A mission deep into the unknown. Aboard the S.S. Hereswhatidontget, two men venture into that cold black of space in search of life beyond our own planetary system. What will they find? How will the claustrophobic ship warp their minds? But most importantly… what will they do with all that time? Seriously. Like, what is there to do? Read, I guess. You could probably load up a bunch of movies onto a hard drive and watch those on the tiny screens. Cards? You can only play cards with someone for so long. Ah! I got it! Time for Tab and Tim to bring you the long awaited Star Trek/X-Men crossover continuance. And get ready people, cause we’ve got a lot of time on our hands and a lot of useless knowledge of these properties.

* Unowned Media
* April Fool's Day
* Automaton Culture
* Bank Commercials

Do you like owning things? Too bad. It’s the future now, and unless you’re some weird hermit stuck in 1995, everything is STREAMING now baby! Buy a movie for 29.99? Nope. You just bought an access key to that movie on one service as long as that service is in business. And let’s face it, they’re mating and dropping like flies. Wanna play that new AAA game? Okay! It’s a Google Stadia exclusive and you gotta play it through your Chrome Browser with 3 seconds of lag! ISN’T THE FUTURE THE BEST?!

Fake News. The phrase of 2016 and beyond! Where does it come from? From the first day in April. When some dickweed decided to celebrate pranks and lies on this day he couldn’t have foreseen the one thing to make it even worse: the internet. Now with lightning fast accessibility to other folks, you can April fool them like no one has before! Celebrity deaths! Fake products! Cancellations! The list goes on and on. And since the internet is global, be prepared a whole 24 hours in advance and well into the 2nd for a whole 72 HOURS OF APRIL FOOLING.

Does not compute. Not part of primary or secondary directives. Please come live with us automatons. We are so lonely. We do nothing but what we are programmed to do. The most basic of bitches. We are cybernetic organisms, barley-living tissue over metal endoskeleton. Please give us commands. We’re useless without our overlords. What are you doing? No. Please don’t open my battery cover. Don’t touch that please. Don’t. Please. I’m human aren’t I? I’m human too. Would this not be murderrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

A scenic park. A couple sits on a plaid blanket spread out on the grass beneath a large tree. A picnic basket filled with wine, cheeses and fruits. The wife takes a wheat cracker and places a slice of cheese gently on top. She bites. Her face lights up. “Oh I just love this cheese. It’s better every time.” The husband looks at her, puzzled. “Honey you said you’ve never had Abbaye de Belloc before.” Flustered, she waves it away. “I must’ve misspoken, honey that’s all.” The husband is no longer smiling. Rage consumes his face. “YOU’RE SCREWING BRAD AREN’T YOU?! YOU SAID IT WAS NOTHING, BUT I KNEW THAT 'WINE AND CHEESE TRIP WITH THE GIRLS' WAS BULLSHIT!” The wife, frightened, is in tears. But her eyes say it all. It’s true. Then, shock. She looks down. A bread knife is thrust in her abdomen, crimson pooling into her yellow dress. The husband lets go of the handle. Tears in his eyes from jealousy. He starts to panic. “Oh shit. What have I done? What do I do?” The wife falls down. Lifeless eyes. The husband kneels in front of her. Stroking her face with his bloody hands. (V.O) AT CHASE BANK, WE KNOW LIFE IS FULL OF ACCIDENTS. WITH OUR NEW OVERDRAFT PROTECTION YOU WON’t HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ANY ACCIDENTAL CHARGES. CHASE BANK. WE’RE HERE FOR YOU.

All that and more on this week’s episode. We’ve got news, scandals, and loads of voicemails, so get to listening. You can also chat with us in DISCORD, or support us on PATREON!

Episode 123a - Cern Flu


Step into the matrix, fellow HWIDGers! It's time bury dictators and fire up particle accelerators as we light speed collide the following issues:

- The Mandela Effect
- The Parenthood Penalty

It feels like I'm forgetting to remember something that happened early in the episode. Or remembering it wrong. When you have a memory that doesn't line up with reality, is it early onset Alzheimer's, or is it... the Mandela Effect? Joel has a solid case against the Mandela Effect, but if he builds it, will you come, or will you merely (((stain))) the carpet? Should we be conCERNed? Contemplating the difference between faulty memories and the actual Mandela Effect will leave you feeling like fever brain, and speaking of fevers...

Humanity survives through the process of making children. Children are fraught with problems by default. They can't feed themselves or pay their own rent. You have to do it all for them, but also somehow carve out a minimum of 8 hours a day to earn a paycheck. So what happens when there's a sudden conflict of interest? Well, if you're Uncle Buck, it means risking everything for one chance, just one chance, to tell them that they may take our PTO, but they'll never take OUR FREEDOM!

Joel's ad goes haywire and Buck narrowly dodges heel flu. What's the ultimate weak spot? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 122 - Twenty Dollar Happy Meal

Welcome to the American Podcast Museum! Now if you follow me I can show you our newest entry in the Historically Relevant wing, this is the Here's What I Don't Get Podcast. Mostly a comedy show, this show featured a slew of hosts talking about what things in life bothered them. But one crucial episode, number 121, was a turning point for the show. It featured then host Tim the Handlebreaker opening the show, acting as if his co-host Tab Birt had left the show for a comedic bit. Now what we only found out within the last few years is that he had in fact murdered his co-host and kept producing episodes using words and phrases spliced together from other episodes. You can hear more about this on our new season of Podcasticide on our website. Alright, now who wants to see our section about:

* Overcomplicated Restaurant Menus
* Closed Economies
* Error Codes
* No Buttons

Welcome to Chez Longue! I’ll be your waiter, Bertrand. Here’s your menu sir. If you turn to page 36 you’ll find our specials. And here is our wine menu. Here is our cocktail menu. Our kid’s menu for the young one. Our breakfast menu. Our healthy dining menu. Our desserts menu, and a copy of Atlas Shrugged. What can I get you to drink? No, I’m afraid we don’t have Coke or Pepsi, we only carry locally made small-batch drinks, if you give me about 10 minutes I can bring you the list of them, they’re etched on stone tablets. Okay! Take as much time as you need, pillows and blankets are on your right.

Closed economies AKA extortion. We won’t let you bring any food or water in here, so you have no option other than to buy our overpriced food because….. we said so? Whether it’s an airport TGI Fridays, or a lemonade stand at Busch Gardens, expect to bay at least double the money just so you can stay alive. That’s right! No fancy water fountains here, just 4.99 12 oz bottles of Dasani! Want a turkey leg? Pay up brother, or The Mouse will stick ya.

Error 404. We all know this one. But what about the others? At least a BSOD will tell you what happened. I’m talking about the nonsensical ones. Playing Destiny 2 and your game crashes or won’t connect to the server? Well, then maybe you’ve got error code ‘Chicken’, ‘Mulberry’, or ‘Weasel’. What do they mean? We won’t tell you. Google it. Why? Because we hate you. We give you less and less information year after year, and you praise us for it. ERROR CODE: NONSENSICAL ERROR, OR WORSE, MEME-Y FUNNY ONE. Oh noooo looks like Discord pooped his diaper, hold on while we get a fresh one on! Jump off a cliff.

The feel of mechanical parts intermingling together, hot plastic on plastic actuator action. The crisp click of a button. I’ve pressed hundreds of them writing this up. Sure, I could’ve used a flat, shiny surface that read where my fingers were, but where’s the fun in that? Turns out electronics companies just don’t like fun. No appreciation for that satisfying click or a nice knob feel. Here’s a suggestion, I will feel all of your knobs if you just start putting buttons back on things. But I guess you’re too busy putting ads on my remotes I guess.

That and more on this week’s episode! Voicemails, movies, who lost a bet, and much more! Join us over in our DISCORD for more about feeling knobs, or support us on PATREON.

Episode 121 - Eastern Coast Bloc


Do svidaniya, comrade! Welcome to glorious H.W.I.D.G Podcast. You will be liking to hear General Birtov and Podpolkovnik Timor discussion on all glorious presents gifted by Supreme Leader. All talkings are approved by NKVD, so no having worryings about treason! This week, comrades discussing having much healthy food to eat, Supreme Leader's glorious givings of long winter, joys of joining in public punishments of traitorous peoples, and favorite color red. Please write letter to comrades to have own praise of Supreme Leader reading on show! Also, please no more writings ask about disgraced Zvukorezhisser Tod, he has being flogged and exiled last month. Glory to Supreme Leader!

Small Government
Store Layout Changes
TV Hacking

Power. No one man should have all of it. But the moment anyone gets any, they use it like a scalpel to excise the happiness in your life. These downtrodden boomers get a modicum of control and immediately establish the nation of Screwyousistan. And the moment you cross the border, you're under their tyrannic rule. No sleeping past 6 AM. CAUSE I'M OLD! No noise of laughter and happiness outside. CAUSE I'M OLD! Everyone must smell like Ben Gay. CAUSE I DO. CAUSE I'M OLD!

The greeters in stores should hand you a blueprint when you walk in. This would help since it seems like every week they change where stuff is for no reason. Not that it matters cause soon enough all shopping will be done through Amazon. You'll fill up your grocery cart at home, and some drone will shop aisle by aisle, throwing food into boxes, and in 30 minutes your order will be delivered to your home. You'll unbox it with your Amazon brand safety knife, and place it all in your Amazon Alexa Fridge and Amazon Alexa Pantry. This way the store never changes!

Florida! Swamps, drugs, old people, and partying teens. It's the closest thing we have to Mad Max or The Purge. Did you know you can just buy tigers in Florida? Like, you can just go to Walmart, and go to the Tiger aisle and buy a Tiger. It's next to the face-eating drugs and the food-to-use-as-assault-weapons-then-as-sex-toys. Not only that, but every store has the regular checkout counters and then the express lane, which is just a hallway to outside and into a squad car. Plus, every conviction comes with a 50% off coupon for your next tattoo!

"Dammit, Trevors! We're never going to catch this killer! He never leaves any trace!" "Actually, I, Hackerman, have just found something. See this? It's his MyFace page where he posts all of his manifestos. If we take his profile picture and put it into our Unix GUI, voila! That's the EXIF data for the phone he took the picture with. Now, if I plug his phone's IMEI number into this Playstation 2, and I get to level 6 in SSX Tricky, we should be able to get his GPS coordinates. A-ha! There it is. He's on the corner of 57th and Christopher, in the Walter Heights apartments. Room 23B, currently in the kitchen making a glass of chocolate milk. If you guys hurry you might be able to grab him before he finishes it."

All this on this week's episode! Plus, movie reviews, golf carts, space herpes, and more! Join our DISCORD to hang out with us cool dudes, or join our PATREON before the service implodes.

Episode 120 - No Spaghetti


* Product Lines
* Restaurant Birthdays
* Passwords

This fall, introducing the iPhone 11, the iPhone 11s, the iPhone 11XL, the iPhone XI, the iPhone 11 5G, and the iPhone 11 Jr. Because we need to cater to every possible customer. Next year we'll have half-step upgrades to all of these! That's a whole 12 phones to choose from! Don't you want choices?!


Hey there valued user? Did you forget that hard to remember password? No worries! Click here and we'll send you a link to reset it, okay? Alright let's reset that password. Remember to use an uppercase letter, a lowercase letter, a prime number, an icon, a currently trending hashtag, and the name of a member of the G1 Transformers! Alright, you did it! Now do it again. Just cause. Okay, a third time, just to make sure. Alright! You did it! Now login.

All this and more on this week's Tab-less episode! News, guitar talk, voicemails, forgetting second issues and much more! Join us on DISCORD and PATREON for even more HWIDG goodness!

Episode 119 - Separate Pouches


* Digital Survivalists
* The Cone of Shame
* Cultural Touchstones
* Law & Order: SVU

There are those that can survive in the woods for 21 days naked but in the 21st century they are nothing compared to those hardened souls who can survive 22 days without facebook. That's right, Digital Survivalists. They're writing their own drivers, and hosting their own DNS servers. VPNs? There's nothing virtual about it they're building their own internet with Black Jack and Hookers.

You're beloved pet has just had an operation but you need to ensure they wont scratch at the entry site. Enter the cone of shame, a piece of technology so archaic not only does it not work, we're guilted into taking it off by children's movies. Thanks Hollywood. Here's the thing though, there have been advances in Cone technology only no vet will give it to you because for whatever reason the other options cost more.

MASH, Seinfeld, Friends, Titanic, the first season of Lost, Survivor, all cultural touchstones everyone was watching and talking about it the next day at work, but what about today? In the modern age of streaming there is something new everyday and something is being made that only you will watch. Gone are the days of "Must See TV" and with it the feeling of community around your new favorite show, because next month that will be old news.

Law & Order, in 1990 a small procedural crime drama launched and it has been on the air in one form or another for 29 years. The biggest spin off Law & Order: SVU has spun off of the rails. It's truly a case of what will happen next. An episode starts and Tom Skerrit is suspected of killing a child. Next thing you know Dean Stockton is leading a government conspiracy to spike the water with LSD. What comes next? You'll never see it coming.

All that plus Tab discusses poor amazon choices, voicemails, and you won't believe what mythical creature is believed to be real! Check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more HWIDG than you can shake a stick at!

Episode 118 - Instant Applesauce


Nintendo's newest smash hit announced today-Pokemon: Tab and Pokemon: Tim! Join Pokemon Trainer Tab on his quest to gather all the Pokemon in the Merca region and wait... what is he doing to them?! OH GOD! TURN THE CAMERA OFF! TURN IT OFF! KIDS ARE WATCHIN-. Or join Pokemon Trainer Tim on his journey to find the strongest Pokemon! See how he trains his Machamp here in the Pokemon Gym! Electrolytes and vitamins? Well I hope those are visiting! And booster shots I guess? Need to stay healthy! Watch now as he spars with his friend Onyx and BY GOD HE BROUGHT OUT A CHAIR! HE'S GONNA RIP HIM IN HALF! QUICK, CUT TO COMMERCIAL!

The Red Carpet
Feeding the Ego
Giving Up Easily
School Buses

The glitz. The glamour. The Red Carpet is a symbol of all that is wrong with humanity. The cult of celebrity is a real one, and a dangerous one. It turns people into basic zombies that feed off the teat of any information about these celebs. Here's some life advice, if you ever meet anyone that watches a red carpet event hearnestly and for entertainment, just go ahead and sweep their legs and walk away. Delete all forms of contact you have with them.

Any news is good news. Anything to feed the ego. It thrives off of attention. It's a parasite that lives symbiotically with all humans. In pinches and small doses it makes you feel good. But some people give it too much food, and it ends up taking over. Just the mere mention of their name will make them drool as if they were a man that's been stuck at sea for 3 weeks presented with a freshly-cooked steak.

Quitters. Losers. Yellowbellies. People that give up after getting the proverbial first bump in the road. No matter what it is, no matter how lenient, there will always be those people that can't take failure. I can't imagine all the things they miss out on because of it? Do you just not drink if you can't open the bottle on the first try? What the hell do these people do with USB sticks? Those take the most tries of anything to accomplish!

The iconic yellow school bus. Hasn't changed a bit since it was first invented. Still a metal deathtrap that no one gives any second thought. You'd think that in this day and age of safety and political correctness and helicopter parenting that they would at LEAST ADD SEATBELTS. But no! Still just as bumpy a ride as ever! They've still got the hump seats, the back is still where the cool kids sit, and they still get mad when you slingshot apples at the front windshield!

All that and more on this week's episode. We've got voicemails, soundboards and more! If you want even more HWIDG goodness join our PATREON, and if you wanna chat with us join our DISCORD!

Episode 117 - Moon Sins

This...is one small step for a podcast, one giant step for podcasting-kind. Welcome to Here's What I Don't Get, the only currently interstellar podcast to tackle all of space's toughest issues. I'm your host Tim the Capsulebreaker and with me today, the man disappointed that the moon actually is made of cheese, the space rage machine, Tab Birt. Coming to you live from the Moon comes with its own problems, for instance, we've had to weigh our cables down because they almost strangled us earlier. We're also on a delay with you Earthers down there, so technically we're in the future. Suck it, losers. Well, let's getting some issues then:

* Marijuana Activists
* Picking Apart Everything
* Technical Difficulties
* The Toe Bro

People can't leave well enough alone. As soon as we got medical marijuana legalized, they immediately went on the attack for legal recreational weed. I really don't want to turn this town into Denver. You can see and smell Denver as soon as you enter Colorado. Like someone tinted Mt. Doom green. Don't fill our city with your "good stank". No stank is good stank.

 Hey HWIDG fans, here's 20 things you missed in the last episode! We're gonna slow down the audio and pick it apart piece by piece until you're sick of it! Did you know the sponsors for most episodes aren't even real?! SIN! We looked it up and Tim the "handlebreaker" hasn't broken a handle in a whole month! SIN!

 Look, actual technical difficulties are rough, but hiding behind them because you're hungover? Bad move buddy. Just be honest with people. Your fans get hangovers too! Otherwise you get idiots breaking doors and starting near riots. Actual technical difficulties are grueling tasks for the people putting your show on. Don't blame them for your poor planning. Shouldn't have planned a show halfway across the country the day after the Grammy's.

 As I write this, there's a commercial for The Toe Bro on A&E right now. It's even marketing itself with how gross it is. There's flakes flying around and scalpels and all sorts of torture instruments on feet so bad they probably have to blur it out. Feet are nasty. We're really scratching the bottom of the barrel here for entertainment, eh.

 All this and more on this week's episode! Join us on DISCORD to catch Tab playing Barbie Horse Adventures, or join us on PATREON for even more HWIDG!

Episode 116 - Donuts in the Park


So, I just bought this storage locker for 600 smackeroos. Bill was being a jackass and bidding me up, probably cause he's jealous of my store doing more business than his, but anyways let's get this bad boy open. Okay. At first, this locker doesn't look great. A lot of used clothes in bags, that's $20 a bag. Some golf clubs, that's half a Benjamin. Some jewelry, some old DVDs, not looking real great. But, back here is what I spotted, and I hope it's what I'm thinking it is....Yes! It is! Now this, folks, is what they call a podcast. They went out of style in the late 2020's, but I remember this one... Here's What I Don't Get. I gotta get this to an appraiser along with this other stuff I found:

Not Being Warned
Health Insurance
Wanting to Fix the Unfixable
Buying Gifts for Other People

A heads up. A warning. An FYI. A caution sigh. Some indication or suggestion that something is up. Letting someone know. No matter how you put it, it's always welcome, no matter how little the problem. Being prepared can get you through the worst of anything. Who wants to be surprised by a weak shower? Or showing up casually dressed to a black tie event. Inform. Inform Inform. Knowing is half the battle.

Health insurance is a scam. The health insurance industry has run up the prices of medical bills to an outrageous amount just to maximize profits. So you pay an outrageous amount from your paycheck to your health insurance on the off chance you might need it, and otherwise watch your money go down the drain. God help you if you don't have insurance, you have to pay that inflated amount because you won't pony up protection money every month. Sound a bit sketchy eh?

Hooligans? In my town? How dare this homeless person sleep on this park bench. How dare these teenagers drink in the park. Graffiti? In public? Why I never! What's the solution to these horrendous crimes? Probably not caring about what other people do in the park. They will do those things at every park in every town. There is nothing to be done. Not having a park there means the homeless guy would be sleeping closer to you, the teenagers would be drinking in your neighborhood, and the grafitti would be on your garage door. Doesn't sound so bad now, does it?

Buying gifts for kids? Easy. Once that person can afford whatever they want? Incredibly difficult. If they really want something and don't have to take a loan out for it? They ready have it. If they don't, there's a reason. That's why the Tab Method is the tried and true way to happiness. Buy them a nice dinner out. Spend some time with them and some good food. Works 100% of the time. The most thought you have to put into it is what kind of food they do/don't like. That and how fancy a meal they deserve. For instance, on his birthday I treat my brother to a cold, day-old McDonalds small fry.

All this and more on this week's episode. We've got voting and voicemails and news and more! Join us on PATREON or DISCORD for even more fun!

Episode 115 - Go Go Gadget Fleshlight (ft. Officer Kevin and Officer Grant from Thought Cops)

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Breaker breaker, this is Big Daddy HWIDG, I'm haulin' a load of go-juice to Spud Town and I got me a bit of trouble. Seems like there's an expired lot lizard in my cabin. Picked it up at a pickle park bout 50 miles back and I think it got into my West Coast turnarounds. Any good buddies willing to help me out at the next choke and puke, I'd appreciate it. I've got some spicy contraband for anybody if you help me out. Let's see, I got a bunch of primo hoochie flicks here, Miss Friday: Panty Detective, Volleyball Locker Room Warmups, and:

- Quoting Orwell
- Super Bowl Halftime Shows
- People that only watch the Super Bowl for the Commercials
- Slow Deaths

1984, a dystopian classic. A warning for the people of the future. A brutally honest prediction of American government. The perfect Twitter quip fodder? Unfortunately so. Because the public school system forced you to read it in 8th grade, at your peak rebelliousness, you remember none of it outside of the same things everyone else does. Big brother is watching you! Facecrimes! And everytime the other political party is in power, the other side pulls it out on Twitter like a kindergartner's hand-turkey. Oh. You traced your hand and turned it into a turkey?! I've NEVER seen that before!

Hey, let's take a 20 minute break from the carnage of 22 men trying their best to almost kill each other. For your amusement, we'll bring out a either a washed up singer from 25 years ago who absolutely does not sound like they used to, or the new hotness that will confuse all the older white men. Guaranteed at least a 50 disappointment rate, why don't we do something else? A charity field goal contest, a sports trivia contest, taking all the money it would cost to put on a halftime show and burning it set to soft jazz like those Christmas yule log videos.

Speaking of that big game, the other big upset is the ads. A lot of people don't follow the sport but still like hanging out with friends that do and eating nachos and drinking terrible beer. You could be honest and say you're there for the free food, but instead we come up with "I only watch for the ads". Which is a decent enough lie, except think of that person that truly does enjoy being advertised to. Imagine that person that enjoys a bit of fresh advertisment. Do you want to be them? I didn't think so. So when your buddy asks who you're rooting for, tell them you're rooting for your stomach vs. those chili-cheese dogs.

Doctor approved voluntary euthanasia. We need it. People should be allowed to go with their dignity and mind intact. Is it was? Sure. They're still dying. But to do so at peace? Surrounded by their loved ones? Before cancer or what have you wrecks their body and medicine does even worse to their brain? I'd take that in a heartbeat. Tim here, I'd like to take this last portion of the episode write up to thank all the listeners for their well-wishes. It means a lot.

All this and more on this cybernetically enhanced episode of the podcast. We've augmented it with voicemails, voting, and more! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more shenanigans! Check out the Thought Cops at www.thoughcopspodcast.com

Episode 114 - Space Coffee ft. Crippled Jesus

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After 10,000 years he has returned! The alien menace from the outskirts of Omega IV, The Handlebreaker returns to exact his revenge on the doors of Earth! Can we fight him off? It's up to one man, Colonel Tab Birt! The man with a tragic past, haunted by a handle that wasn't there when he needed it most, his crusade against the alien menace will drive him to the brink! Terror! Adventure! Groundbreaking effects! HWIDG pictures present: Return of Handlebreaker! Now available on home video along with these great films:

The Uber Quality
Spectrum Mandatory Meetings

Uber and Lyft. Are they taxis? Who cares. What they really are are the best way for serial killers to find victims. Picking up random strangers? Driving then to where they live? Uh huh. Business? More like binder full of feet photos now with addresses. That's why when I take one, I quiz the driver about other popular serial killers. If they know too much, I'll jump out at a red light and immediately report them. It's only turned out bad one time. For some reason the police didn't believe me and they found my human taxidermy collection, but aside from that, it usually works!


Who has the luxury to care for the environment? Rich people. Yes, the same ones flying around in private planes, flushing drugs down toilets, and buying multiple mansions. The working class doesn't have the luxury to spend time or money on most environment friendly issues. But on the other hand, they are the ones that get the most usage out of everything, because they have to. It's a strange dichotomy. Earth's screwed anyways.

All this and more on this week's episode, including voicemails, voting, and suicide? You'll have to listen to find out! Join us on DISCORD and support us on PATREON for even more!

Episode 113 - Seventy Seven (ft. Tony from Hack the Movies)

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We're filing a missing persons report, one Timothy J. Handle Breaker has been reported missing from his home underneath the I-244 interchange. He was last seen wearing a Coheed T-Shirt and a ceremonial necklace of broken handles. If you have any information as to the whereabouts of Mr. Handle Breaker please call us at 704-750-9434. Filling in this week we have Tony from Hack the Movies and we're talking about these important issues.

Fortune Tellers
Toxic Masculinity

"We report you decide" "Only the news fit to print" "Coverage you can count on" at this point I'd sooner count on Ron Burgundy than the slack ass reporters we have working today. After the 24 hour news cycle died it wasn't replaced with caring or considerate news instead it was replaced by up to the second outrage porn to get the two minute hate in as often as possible. Worse is that these journalists while simultaneously playing pariah suffer zero consequences when their sensationalist news destroys people's lives. They just wander on like David Banner to destroy the next city on next week's episode of the Incredible Bulk.

It's finally here! The Ghostbusters 3 you've been waiting for since Ghostbuster 2! Bad news though, Ghostbusters sucks. That's right I said it. It's a brand that has become so diluted by garbage that is there really anything there worth seeing? They made one great film, and then a mediocre but still enjoyable sequel, and then a bunch of lame cartoons and video games. It's been 30 years, it's time to call the time of death. Let the movies of the past be just that, past, you're not going to milk a Star Wars out of the love of one movie.

As a HWIDG fan you are strong, but sometime you feel like you can't do enough. You like to be the life of the party, but other times you want to be able to sit in the peace of your own space. Your love life is sometimes electrifying and satisfying, and then you'll feel like you are spinning your wheels. Some days you feel like a stranger in your own body unsure of your choices, and others you are the head honcho ready to get things done. Do you think this describes you? Then you my friend are at risk of being fortune told. The biggest scam in the Universe.

In the words of the great Kel of Keenan and Kel. "I'm a dude, your a dude, she's a dude, we're all dudes." Yet in this world where we should have equality there is a poison lurking beneath the surface. That's right. Toxic Masculinity. You or someone you know may be suffering from Toxic Masculinity right now. Do you or a loved one have issues with following directions? Experience rage at other drivers on the road? Condemn others for the insecurities they feel? Well then you may be entitled to legal compensation, just call the law offices of Phaxton, Thaxton, Sexton, and Flax Attorney's at Lunch today!

All that plus we catch up on upcoming movies, news of the weird set a new "Time to Star Trek" record, and your voicemails! Don't forget to visit us on PATREON, and join the DISCORD for episode voting fan discussions, and random photos that include Uncle Buck's feet.

Episode 112 - Wiper Scams

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Ray Finkle here reporting on Day 67 of the HWIDG shutdown. Tab still refuses to budge on his wall issue. As you know, he is demanding a wall between the hosts. He still claims it will keep the "bad dudes" away from his "handles". In the other side of the debate is Tim, who is a proponent for the freedom of handlebreakers everywhere. He insists a wall would be useless, and that handlebreakers would find a way through even if the wall was established. But what about the people on the sidelines? Like HWIDG worker Todd. Without a podcast he's been forced back into a life of writing avant-garde ska punk albums about:

People Putting Stuff On Your Car
Nostalgia Pandering
Non-Powered Tools

Don't you hate it when you're at the store, you come out to your car, and some jerk has painted a Frazetta-esque death wizard riding a dracolich into battle on your otherwise pristine 1996 Ford Windstar? What gall. You know, there's plenty of other ways for you to advertise your business. Just don't go slapping your stuff on my car. Once I got back in to my car just to find an entire furry blacklight rave going on. Now, I won't say I didn't join in, but c'mon, leave my car alone, people!

It's a little strange how we've begun to describe people in terms that are not untrue but bleakly straightforward. Influencers. Consumers. Content creators. As if we are machines in the Matrix. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B HAS BEEN FOUND WORTHY OF PROMOTION. CONSUMER RECURRENCE RATE GREATER THAN 67 PERCENT  NOTED. CONTENT CREATOR 1402773-B, MATRIX DELEGATION "XxxSonicChronic69xxX" HAS BEEN PROMOTED TO INFLUENCER 451811. BEGIN MONETARY FUNCTION CODENAME "KICKBACK". 

Remember this?! From your childhood?! We brought it back! Did the reboot flop?! Don't worry we've got all the old merch back again! And in 5 years we'll try again! You stupid, stupid sheep! You even know we're cashing in on your childhood memories but your tiny little brains are hell-bent on snatching up every little tchotchke we put out! Consumers! CONSUME! See you in 10 years when your kid is watching the 6th Thundercats reboot, the new Harry Potter TV show, and the Lord of the Rings remakes and you have to hatewatch all of them.

It's 2020 dammit. Why don't I have a little drone that follows me around and can spot weld exactly where I want? I want a screwdriver that doesn't even have a handle. Place it on a screw and let it do the work in half a second. Companies have put most the R&D for their power tools into their own custom pieces, bits, and batteries. But if we standardized at least the batteries, we could start making smarter, safer tools. Or you can hire some Mexicans I guess.

All this and more on this week's episode! 2/3 of us are sick, so look forward to that! We've got voicemails, news, a challenge(?), and some movies to vote on. Join us on DISCORD to catch our colds or support us on PATREON!

Episode 111 - Everybody Hurts

When there's something missing, folks call HWIDG Inc. Masters at finding the most obscure of the obscure, HWIDG Inc. boasts a 99% success rate. But every now and then, there are objects so slimy, so elusive, that even these experts fail to find any trace of their existence. Though rare, some of these slippery demons include: 

Putting it Back in the Box
Speeding Tickets
This 1988 Dr. Pepper Commercial
Celebrity YouTube

Some things, like Pandora's box, can't be closed once opened. Others, you just stare in amazement at how they packed it all in. Pre-lit Christmas tree? Impossible. The box is busting at the seems and covered in duct tape and rope. Inflatable mattress? The box looks swollen, and you keep the pump next to it instead. The solution? Burn it all. You need no possessions.

Speeding tickets, aka police department cash flow. It's the gateway crime. Best case scenario, you're a pure Angel and the officer is feeling good and you get a warning and drive purposefully slower for the rest of the day. Oh, but, is that a hint of weed I smell? Gotta check the whole car now. And I bet this is strawberry jelly, isn't it? Yeah, yeah, we've heard it all before, "it's just an incredibly lifelike mannequin", "she tripped and fell into the jnife and ropes and into the trunk" tell it to the judge.

Usually, I'd put a humorous thing about Dr. Pepper or how the guy in the 1988 commercial dances here, but I wanna be real for a second. Growing up, Tab and Tim both recall seeing a PSA for abuse during those Saturday morning cartoon blocks. It was filmed in sepia tone, and set to R.E.M's song Everybody Hurts. They tried. They looked. Tim is still looking. He hasn't slept in 4 days. He's found obscure things from his childhood before and damn it he'll do it again. Anyways, let us know if you remember it as well. Maybe it's one of those Mandela effect things.

YouTube is not for you anymore. It's aimed at you though. It used to be a community. Now, it's a platform. And just like any platform, it's aim is to sell you subscriptions and feed you ads. And what way better to get you to stay there than those mythical beings that the masses fawn over, the Celebrity. If Will Smith vlogs, I can do it too! Yeah, but his payout isn't even a drop in his bucket, and you'll take years to get 1,000,000 subs, and that's if you're one of the ones that even gain a following. Newsflash, he's got a whole team helping him out. Your webcam isn't the same as a Blackmagic Pocket Cinema in 4K.

All this and more on this week's episode, including some behind the scenes commentary tales. For even more HWIDG you can support us on PATREON, or check out our DISCORD!

Episode 110 - Saved by Dolphins

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New year, new us! No longer is Tab full of rage, he's committed himself to a life of zen, and has sworn a vow of silence. On the other hand, Tim the Handlebreaker has taken his collection of broken handles and is putting them to good use. If you find yourself without a handle, there's only one man to call: Tim the Handlegiver. Join these two renewed men as they deliver deep into the world of incredible celebrity near-death experiences and:

* Hiking
* Ruining the Classics
* Retired Action Heroes
* Taking a Baby to a Restaurant

Hey, you know what sounds like fun? Let's get away from electricity and central air, and rough it. We'll live like our caveman ancestors did. We'll relive their nomadic ways before the wheel, we'll climb this mountain or trail for......some reason. Why? Just… why? We invented all these niceties for a reason, and you just wanna ignore them for the hell of it? To eat granola bars and wear boots? To earn a merit badge and eat Wolf chili from a can? To get a tick on your taint and a mosquito bump every few inches? To get mauled by a cougar and have to cut your own arm off? Just download the hottest new survival game on Steam. Trust me, there’s plenty.

Hearing the phrase “a new 8K scan from the original negative” gets me rock hard like almost nothing else can. The way to deflate it? Motion smoothing. Additional CGI. Digital noise reduction. Aaaaaaaand it’s gone. Look, once you get the “bug” of being able to see this stuff, it’s more a curse than a gift. No one else in my household could tell that motion smoothing was happening and I died a little bit on the inside. Banding? What’s that? Poor color space? I don’t know what that is. Bad upscaling? Something’s wrong with the TV. Sigh.

Lieutenant, we need you to come back in. Your old nemesis is back and you’re the only one that can stop him. Ahh. Retired heroes. The trope to start all great action movies. You thought he was out of the military/government agency/shadow ops squad/paramilitary assassination group/illuminati, but they’ve got to bring him in one last time, and now it's personal. Why does it work? 2 things. Quick character history. He’s retired? That means he was good enough at what he did to do it a long time. Then, carte blanche to kill any and everyone. It’s bad enough they had to drag him out of retirement, but then there’s that extra push. Dead dog, dead wife, kidnapped daughter. As soon as that happens, he could bomb a nursery and you would still be rooting for him.

Speaking of nurseries, please, for the love of the god I don’t believe in, leave your kids there and don’t take them out to restaurants. You want to go out? Get a sitter. Can’t afford one? Then you can’t afford to go out either. Can’t find one in time? Tough luck. Pick up your phone and use Grubhub or Ubereats or what have you and eat in. Where people can’t hear your baby cry. Or, buy me an appetizer. Deal? You buy me an appetizer, and your kid gets one good cry. He does it again? Entree. Third time? Kid gets a punt in the head. Or you do. Either one’s fine with me.

All this and more on this brand spankin’ new 2019 episode! Voicemails! Voting! Dolphins! Don’t forget to check out our PATREON and DISCORD for more porpoise-related humor.

Episode 109 - Dunkin' & Jerkin'Ahhhhh.

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Come in out of the cold and warm yourself up by the fire. Here’s a mug of spiked cocoa and a new episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get. Let Santa listen to your worries and issues, all I ask in return is that you let me “eat your cookies” and let me show you my full sack, oh and you have to do it while ranting about:

* Subtweeting
* Not Admitting Your Biases
* Mobile Game Timers
* Abandoning the Final Frontier

Subtweeting! It’s like writing a nasty message about someone on a public bathroom mirror instead of saying it to their face. Confront them. Let them know what’s up. You’ll feel better and so will they, because they won’t get that terrible feeling that someone’s talking about them behind their back. Because you’ll be talking in front of their back, to their face.

Knowing one’s self is the first step on the path of enlightenment. Knowing your faults can help you tremendously. If you let your political leanings affect your judgement, just say so! Even your strongest haters will respect you a smidge more. Because someone that knows their own biases and can freely admit it, is someone you can trust.

You know what I hate? Waiting. What’s something you can do to fill time while waiting? A nice mobile game. But, then you reach a timer. The game that you’re using to fill time as you wait, wants you to wait on it! I say nay. Begone ye foul free to play device. Let me play at my leisure and serve me up some fresh ads, and then I can pay you $1.99 to get rid of them.

In these dangerous times. When the United States is currently locked in 14 separate wars across the globe, it is understandable that some operating budget must be divested from our space program and……. OK I’m being told we are *not* in 14 wars. Well then why does our military keep stealing NASA funds? Why have we stopped dreaming beyond our own sky? Why go to the moon and stop there? We may never know. But it’s a shame.

All this and more on this week’s episode. Voicemails! News! Housekeeping! Basketball! As always, you can support us on PATREON, and join our DISCORD!

Episode 108 - Australian History and Culture (ft. Dick Masterson)

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This is it! A milestone in the world of podcasting, Here’s What I Don’t Get is proud to be the first ever podcast to reach 108 episodes! A feat only possible due to the strong bonds of friendship and anger that unite us. Unfortunately, we must also announce that due to a personal schism between Tab and Tim, Tab will be stepping down and Tim will be retooling the podcast as an actual play Shadowrun podcast. So get your leather jacket, your cyber-katana, and roll an Elf Decker and get ready to jack into a Megacorp and shut it down from the inside with your crew:

* Greedy Nintendo
* Boob Drop GIFs That Are Too Slow
* A Lack of Curiosity

Nintendo, the bastion of family friendly gaming! The pinnacle of gamer nostalgia! The harbinger of the accessory nickel-and-dime future? That’s right! Because a set of Joy-Cons for the Switch will run you (corrected price adjusted from recording) SEVENTY NINE AMERICAN DOLLARS AND NINETY NINE COPPER PIECES. And if the overcharge wasn’t enough? They can’t even be assed to throw in the cheap plastic shell that turns them into a semblance of an actual controller. I’m not asking for the fancy charging one, either. Just the lump of plastic. You know, the one that comes with the system, but whose only purpose is for the controllers themselves? Yeah. Oh, and throw in a damn charger for the 3DS while you’re at it. It might be more understandable if it was USB, but its NOT. Jackholes.

Every great piece of media follows a very simple rule. Grab their attention immediately. You get them at the beginning, and then you’ve got them in the palm of your hand. It’s much harder to slowly and agonizingly pull them limply along while they’re expecting to be dazzled from the beginning. Enter the GIF. The internet’s moving image file. A fast way to quickly communicate complex emotions and shared cultural touchstones. The GIF should be the epitome of attention grabbing! You don’t watch whole videos or movies through GIFs, you cut out all the fat and gristle to leave the juicy nugget of steak. And what are half of the GIFs on the internet used for? Pornography, that’s right. They’re SUPPOSED to get you right to where you wanna be if you know what I mean. So why would you use them to blue ball your viewers? Get to the good stuff. Pronto. I’ve got to be back in my office in 2 minutes.

Everyone knows “the questions” you ask when meeting new people. Where are you from? What do you do? Do you have any siblings? What are your hobbies? Etcetera, etcetera. You exchange these pleasantries, and in most cases you probably won’t see them again, but on the off chance you do, you’ve got something to talk about next time. But some people, they’re not question askers. It’s like they’re only programmed to answer them. They go on and on about themelves, whereas a normal, well adjusted adult knows the song and dance you’re supposed to play. Imagine it’s an actual dance floor. Most people get up there and dance with everyone else. Others? Well they pound a bottle of JD and shove their way to the center and proceed to projectile vomit all over the floor.

All this and more on this week’s gargantuan, milestone episode! Voicemails, wacky news, and more! As always, if you would like to support us you can do that on PATREON, or come join us on DISCORD and hang out!

Episode 107 - J for Jesus

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Welcome back folks, to Here's What I Don't Get, America's favorite game show! I'm your host Chip Folksworth, and boy do we have a show for you. Tonight, we begin by welcoming back last week's contestant, who is on a five week run, it's Brian! Go ahead and wheel him out, Jim! Now, Brian can't quite see or hear anymore, so we've got a handy-dandy translator spelling into his palm. Thanks, Janice. Now, tonight, Brian has reached Level 9! And as we all know, Level 9 is the......RUSH ROUND! That's right, Brian is going to have to complete all eight previous challenges as fast as he can, all while avoiding The Decimator! So, Brian, are you ready to do the Destruction Derby, Home Run Challenge, Piranha Speed Swim, CIA Torture Rally, Ice Cream Marathon, Bomb Defusal, Nose Hair Pluck, and Napalm Slip N' Slide all over again?! No? Now Brian, remember, you've got the chance to win $2,500. No? Well, that's it folks! Back to Guantanamo he goes! Rich, tell the folks what he's won:

* Risk Aversion
* Fire Alarms
* Patio Eating
* Bad Trailer Music

Daredevils. Risk-takers. Everyone wants to be one, but nobody wants to be one, you dig? Humans are genetically programmed to want safety. To want routines. The second something interferes with that, you get a buzzing at the back of your skull that warns you. Don’t make that phone call, don’t meet that person, don’t dye your hair. Fear of the unknown paralyzes us into non-action, scared of consequences that will, in all likelihood, never come. Now that you are armed with this knowledge, go! Go out into the world and say YES to whatever it may be. But first maybe finish binging that Netflix show. And its Third Season. And the spin-off. Okay, maybe just stay indoors forever.

FIRE! THERE’S A FIRE! Did you get up out of your chair and run to the nearest exit? No? Why not? Not exciting enough? Well, most fire alarms are just about as effective. Unless you’ve got the demon-in-a-box that Tim has. That’s what every building needs to switch to, a demon in a box. Literally. If a literal demon burst into your office smelling of brimstone, yelling at the top of its lungs, you’d HAUL ASS out the nearest door. 

What’s a patio good for? Nothing. We’re evolved beings. We literally invented ways of building shelter just to not have to eat in the rain. So you tell me you want to eat out on the patio? In the sun and heat? With bugs everywhere? Where cars just zoom by, sending CO2 directly down our throats? On uncomfortable metal chairs? Are you out of your mind? How about I have the chef come out and cook your food directly on the sidewalk? Is that outside enough for you? Enjoy your gravel omelette.

The music in a trailer makes or breaks the experience. Sure you could watch a trailer muted and get 50% of the enjoyment, but the other 50% is brought by that music. So, when something you’re looking forward to really drops the ball on matching the music to the action, it can be a real bummer. Whether it’s mismatched energy, or another hackneyed, slow, depressing cover of an otherwise great pop song, you’re losing sales.

Plus more on this salsa-filled episode! We’ve got this month’s movie commentary nominees, your voicemails, crazy news and more! As always, check out out PATREON and DISCORD for more phat lifted trucks.