Episode 176 - Mammonaut

Hello there. Sergeant Jones reporting here. We recently carried out a raid on an illegally operating business during this quarantine. Two men were found and turned over to the CIA for disposal err I mean questioning. These men were conducting illegal broadcasts denouncing our supreme leader and other highly respected members of the government. We have hijacked their signal and broadcasted this dummy episode as bait. We've backtraced all of your IPs, and you too, their loyal listeners, will be fully investigated and punished by the law. We're coming for you weasels.

* Karens
* Data Caps
* Crazy Coincidences
* Heroes

Is K*ren a slur? Absolutely noHEY WAIT A MINUTE. K*ren. K*ren. K*REN. What the hell is going on? My computer won't let my type K*ren. Let me just check the news here, oh god, they did it. All the ignorant-ass K*rens actually talked to the manager of this godforsaken place and yelled at them. Just like a K*ren to think that once they get insulted they must defeat the source of it. Well guess what middle-aged WASPS with bad haircuts, I'm gonna go through all the names until you have to start turning your pale-ass offspring into Davidina or Johnya, okay Sharon?

Data Caps are like the tooth fairy, an imaginary way for adults to waste their money. They're also like Bitcoin. Everyone's heard of it, but no one knows why it exists or how it works. So, during a big ol quarantine we have no data caps, even though traffic is at its highest, but you're going to throttle me for torrenting a terrabyte of Phish live shows in FLAC at 4 in the morning when the lowest amount of people are on? Blow me. And when we go back, will we still have no data caps? ABSOLUTELY NOT.

Time. The universe. Chaos vs. order. Ever seen in to the fourth dimension? Open your third eye SHEEPLE. The nebulas are burning and we're responsible for our ancestor's sins. The galaxy is radiating with bio-electric feedback. We are at a crossroads of transformation and turbulence. Reality has always been radiating with dream-weavers whose essences are baptized in self-actualization. The nexus is approaching a tipping point in which humanity's superstructures will crumble under the weight of quantum waveform frequencies.

Superman. Batman. Spider-man. Iron Man. The Hulk, even, those are heroes. Eugene the high school dropout that includes dimebags with ever order of chicken nuggets is not a hero. He's a capitalist slave. He can't afford to quit his job, and even though there's a superflu floating around outside his job won't let him not interact with people, or he'll get fired. You want Eugene to be a hero? Wait until he quits his job and gets hit by a falling alien meteor, gains the ability to fly, super strength, and laser vision, and flies around giving everyone free weed. Now that's a hero.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget  to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by  BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 175 - Lizard People

Quarantine Day 962: Being King of New Canada is not all lollipops and poutine, contrary what you may have heard. The serfs are never happy with what I graciously give them. Other lands could never afford to pay their peoples such a large sum of 1,200 caps. Frequent assassination attempts mean I must be on watch at all times. I must even have my most trusted assistants test my food and drink. Despite all this, I have brought my glorious nation from the brink of destruction to one of the top powers in this wasteland. People come from all around just for a taste of what stands for cutting-edge technology and freedom on this planet now known as Apocalyptia. Til the morrow, King Handlebreaker out.

* Secret Hitler
* No Contact Delivery
* $1,200
* The Re-acquaintancing Period

Shhhhhhh. They're all around us. They could be anyone. They could be your neighbor, sweet Miss Clementine. Or your co-worker Bill. Maybe even your own PARENTS. They're all around us, secretly plotting our demise, and attempting to take over our country bit by bit. Only recently have scientists found a way to identify who these Secret Hitlers are, but this information was suppressed by their evil ways. Well, I'm here with that information. One neat trick that secret fascists hate. How do you discover who they are? It's actually quite easy. All I need is your credit card number, the three digits on the back, and the expiration month and year.

Do you really want acne-ridden Eugene the dope-fiend handling your food, driving it to your place then doing the "delivery dance" of passing a receipt and pen, signing it, giving it back, then handing you your pizza minus the wings he munched on on the way there? Or would you rather have Star Trek technology simply beam your Meatlover's with extra cheese right to you? That's what I thought. Humans are filthy, hence our current situation, which funnily enough has now taken us one step closer to our Star Trek future.

The CARES act is for the people. Because congress "cares" about you, the individual. That's why the entirety of the bailout goes right to the people! Wait, what? It doesn't? Well, then who exactly do they "care" for? Ohhhhhh. Themselves. And big businesses with lobbyists that pay them off. Huh. Why do they need emergency money? Shouldn't they have emergency funds in case something bad like a quarantine happens? Well, that seems like poor planning on their half to be honest. Why should the government give them free money for bad budget planning?

It's like riding a bike. You never forget how to do it, or the sensation of wind whipping through your hair on a bright summer day. What you do forget is that the seat kinda hurts your ass and it's not really ergonomic, and getting started again is real awkward, and people on the street don't like you, and your brakes aren't the best, and the chain can rip up your legs, and god forbid you fall off, you've got absolutely no protection because the safety gear there is makes you look like a real nerd, and jesus christ going uphill was a mistake, and a dozen other little things.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 174 - Closed on Sunday

Quarantine Day 236: Finally, I made it to Canada. The trek was arduous, and I had nothing to keep me warm in the cold Dakota wilds except for a light jacket and my HWIDG Uncle Buck Signature Hat. It will be tough adapting to life in this new place. It's so bright, even at night, it seems they still have some form of electricity. People look at me with curious glances. Their culture in the apocalypse seems almost unchanged from what I can recall about the old ways. I can see no signs of quarantining or raiders or even a Thunderdome equivalent. My pipe rifle still stands at watch at all times. Except for now. Because I'm writing. Handlebreaker out.

* Religious Interference
* Self-Isolation
* Plug-n-Play
* People That Can't Cook

Like a Paladin's righteous tower shield, many use religion to protect themselves from the evils of the world. Or from working when expected. Or from responsibility. Or almost anything they want. Ain't that a stinker? Just because you kept your childhood imaginary friend, you get a boatload of ways to dodge work or taxes. Look, I don't mind religion. You should be able to worship whichever version of the same morality tales you want. Just don't be a dick and use it to interfere with your non-religious business.

You can't force someone to self-isolate. That defeats the "self" part  of the term. "Self" involves choice by a person to do something on their own. You can't self-flagellate someone, that's just you whipping them. It's all about choice. If I want to hurt myself because i'm sad, that's called self-harm. If you want to hurt me because you're mad, that's called assault.

PLUG AND PLAY. IT'S 2020. YOUR THING HAS A UNIVERSAL STANDARD PORT. I SHOULD BE ABLE TO PLUG IT IN AND HAVE IT DO WHAT THE SAME KIND OF THING LITERALLY NEXT TO IT IS DOING.

Some people can't cook, which means they're going to end up as apocalypse sex workers, selling their rumps and bumps for bags of soup and plates of tuna casserole. It's not hard people. If you can read, you can cook. Read the ingredient list, by at least that much of each thing, read the recipe, make sure you've got a working oven or saucepan or what not, and follow the instructions. Unless you are one of a truly inept kind that can make toast catch fire, anyone can do it!

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 173 - Quarantined (ft. ASERiley)

Quarantine Day 6: The bunker still stands. Despite the constant raids and attacks by packs of rabid dogs, our stash of TP has been mostly untouched. Tab and I ran out of Todd meat yesterday, so I had to make the choice. It was either him or me. I set a trap with some new shiny Mustang parts, and he fell for it. I guess that means no more podcast anymore. So for one last time, here's what I don't get: having to eat your friends in the apocalypse. I'm sure you've all had to the same or worse in these terrible times. At least my government quarantine stipend came in today! Maybe I can trade it for some barbecue sauce for these ribs. Anyways, here's the last episode we recorded before Tab gracefully gave himself up for burger meat.

* IRL Lootboxes
* #coronaculture
* Thots

Millennials don't gamble? Give me a break, millennials have been gambling away their money on FIFA Ultimate Team packs and LootCrates since their inception. A randomly chosen box of nerd stuff just for me? Why yes I'll buy that blindbox! This indie developer wants to make the biggest and most realistic MMORPG ever with a fully fleshed-out dragon sex simulation mode? Why yes I'll give them 300 dollars for the tier that includes the game, beta access, and a handmade dragon scale condom!

How's everyone else doing under our government mandated curfews and martial law? Good? Well, I've become accustomed to the taste of canned "chili" already, and I've got spike pits conveniently placed outside the front door. My Bane impression has been perfected, and my dog now attacks on command. Once the air outside clears up, I'll go check out the thunderdome they retrofitted the event center into. Hopefully I can fight a midget riding a mentally handicapped giant like I've always wanted to.

You know back in the day, science fiction writers wrote about their visions of the future and the eventual problems we would face because of technology. Never did George Orwell think that when he wrote about his dystopian future where thoughts were the main form by which men were controlled, that he would be right. Kind of. Though to be honest, look up a picture of the dude. Doesn't he look like the kind that would throw a fit when he found out his favorite e-girl had a boyfriend?

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 172 - Drag n' Drop

Welp, this is it folks. Our last transmission. The government has raised the Rage-o-meter to DEAFCON-1. Rage all across the world is at an all-time high, and there are no signs of it letting up. As Patient Zero, Tab has bravely decided to go into quarantine where his body will be submitted to dozens of rigorous tests and ultimately will be dissected and studied in hopes for a cure. We here at HWIDG wish him well and wish all our listeners a Merry End of the World.

* Apple
* Timewasters
* Days
* Silver Platter Dystopia

It just works. Except that it really doesn't. A MacBook is not a laptop, it's a MacBook. An iPad isn't a tablet, it's an iPad. iPhones, same thing. Apple doesn't care about standards. The only reason they bother to keep USB ports is because lightning/thunderbolt never caught on. If it was entirely up to them, they'd be introducing wacky triangle ports and 15 prong power jacks.

Time is money, folks. Everyone's time is worth a certain amount. It's why celebrities can charge $250 for a photo and an autograph. So when someone goes out of their way to purposefully or ignorantly waste my time. I need them to pay up. We need to start billing folks for wastes of time. Invoices galore.  Here's a list of today's holidays: Debunking Day, Dream Day, Johnny Appleseed Day, National Promposal Day, No Smoking Day (UK), Oatmeal Nut Waffles Day, Registered Dietician Nutritionist Day, World Plumbing Day, Worship of Tools Day, and World Day of Muslim Culture, Peace, Dialogue, and Film. I hope you've got all your loved ones the proper gifts for each one.

If you thought your local tornado/flooding/snowstorm hysteria was crazy? What happens with a new global disease? It's Children of Men/The Road/Mad Max up in here already. In fact, we've started welding spikes onto Tab's Mustang's wheels, and we're nailing armor plates to it as we speak. Everyone remember to crowdfund the new version of our emotion implants, mine's been off recently, letting me be too happy.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on  DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 171 - Hello How Are You Today

Everyone's sick. We've all got a bit of the coronavirus in us already, and now we're just waiting for the alien eggs to hatch from our stomachs. That's right folks, in my 4 AM congestion-fever haze I discovered that COVID-19 is actually alien babies that want our warm bodies as incubators for their furtive young. Also, Jim Henson was assassinated by the CIA, Hilary Clinton's lizard baby grew up to be Katy Perry, and Tupac and Elvis were the SAME GUY. Row row row your boat gently down the stream oops I activated a Russian asset in Minnesota and now we moved in together and have a pet komodo dragon.

* ASMR
* Closing Pandora's Box
* Not Expecting Failure
* Burying OC

I don't get ASMR. If you want someone to whisper in your ear, the Ying Yang Twins already did it 15 years ago. And they were so polite about it. I guess some guys just have a need to spend money on a virtual girlfriend that they share with 15,000 other dudes. It's like The Bachelorette, but she's married and isn't going to touch any of the dudes, but they keep giving her flowers and presents. But keep in mind, none of this is sexual. Except for the sexy girl pretending to be your girlfriend. And the guys yanking it to her. Not sexual.

Once something is on the internet, it's there forever. There are literally weirdos that catalogue and archive all content they find on mountains of hard drives. Petabytes upon petabytes of content that will one day be like gold bars after the apocalypse. You'll be eating your canned franks and beans when you suddenly get a hankering for some old hilarious viral video. With the internet having been destroyed 10 years ago, you're out of luck, unless you can scrounge up enough bottle caps to pay for an hour with one of King Tyler's precious HDDs.

 Everyone is constantly disappointed. Why? Because they expect too much. Lower them expectations, people. If you expect most people to be complete j-holes, screw ups, and generally failures at life, well when someone comes around and they're a decent person they've completely surpassed your expectations! This goes for people, media, and pretty much everything in life. It's like in Iron Man, when Tony Stark returns from weeks of captivity eating nothing but bland gruel, that flame-broiled Burger King Whopper tastes like heaven. Be Tony Stark.

Speaking of the internet. Once you put something out there, you no longer own it. It's the classic meme: "You made this?" "I made this."  Throw out some great art, dozens of people steal it and put it on a shirt. Some rapper from Azerbaijan makes it his album art. Your twitter post of it has 120 retweets, and CYBER ART 20XX posts it, doesn't credit you, and gets 544K retweets, with dozens of comments asking where they can buy a print of it. But you're an asshole for asking them to just mention you.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on  DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! 

Episode 170 - Air Hockey Shark

1973. A failing radio show on KHWIDG. Co-host The Big Breaker found murdered in the studio. Only one man can solve his murder and simultaneously get the show back into the big time: The Machine. He stalks the bars looking for answers and chumps. He challenges the scummy gangsters to a game of life or death: air hockey. One puck. Two paddles. A high-stakes game where one wrong move can send you to the brink of the edge. The Machine will make his way to the top one way or another. For his friend, for his job, but mostly just because he can. He is... The Air Hockey Shark. Starring:

* Quick Turn Arounds
* Celebrity By Association
* Geriatric Complaints
* Well Done

Don't you love it when you're watching a movie and we're following a cop who sees the bad guy speed by on the other side of the road, so he has to squeal his tires and pull a u-turn to join the chase? Is that not what we're talking about? Oh. Well, that's the cool version of a quick turn around I guess. In real life it's more a lack of sleep/a need to take uppers because your higher-ups see you as a just another cog in the wheel. Either way someone's going to end up with a bad case of whiplash.

The concept of celebrity is already annoying. So when the paparazzi-tabloid-journalism-Entertainment-Weekly-opiate-for-the-mindless people start including celebrities' family and friends in with them, it means they themselves know they are creatively bankrupt and they don't care. Can we call them vultures now? Buzzards? Flesh-eating parasites? There we go. TMZ: Your one-stop shop for Celebrity news and gossip fueled by our crack squad of flesh-eating parasites.

There comes a time where your opinion doesn't matter anymore. You've lived a full life, please stop. Go home, turn the heater on despite it being Summer, and go watch your Matlock marathon. You had your time already. Did you waste it? Not our fault. Just accept that you don't understand the socio-political changes going on and TAKE A NAP. The future is now, old people.

Well done. If you order your steak this way, just go ahead and have Ed the fry cook pre-chew it for you, because that's not much worse. Only the degenerates of society will order a well done steak, and only the culinarily challenged will waste their money by cooking a steak well done. I hereby invent a new steak doneness grading system. Blue is now called "tartare", rare is now "Barbarian-style", medium rare is now "correct", medium is "chewy", and well done is punishable with 5-10 years in federal prison.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 169 - Type 2 Jediabeetus

Welcome to another episode of Here’s What I Don’t Get About Sonic, the only formerly non-hedgehog-related podcast to tackle all of the issues of the Blue Blur’s universe. On this week’s episode, we discuss Sonic’s recipe for chili dogs and finally tackle the big issue: Who’s the sexiest ancillary Sonic character? So join us as we go fast and collect just enough rings to stay alive until the boss fight, Todd in his Floating MegaVape Pod.

* Sneaky Political Ads
* Robert's Rules of Order
* DC's 5G
* Conflating SciFi and Fantasy

Imagine you’re sitting at home. You’ve cooked up a nice steak dinner, You’re sitting down, and you throw on the finale to Netflix’s hottest new show. You’re watching intently as the serial killer stalks a detective through a dingy warehouse. "This is great" you think to yourself, as the tension ramps up. Then, the serial killer steps on a rusty nail and yells out in pain! The camera moves in on his face, and he says: “Man, that smarts. Too bad I can’t afford an expensive private health insurance plan.” Whip-pan over to the detective and say “But if you vote for Roberts in 2024, everyone will get free healthcare!” THIS NETFLIX SERIES WAS PAID FOR BY THE COMMITTEE TO ELECT JOHN ROBERTS.

If unions have to follow Robert’s Rules of Order as written, they’re not worth it. Tim almost blew his brains out this episode just based on Tab’s retelling of his 4 hour long union meeting. Like many ancient laws they need to be rewritten, simplified, and updated with modern language. Who the hell says “aye” anymore outside of voting? I submit we change “aye” and “nay” and upgrade them to “Fo’shizzle” and “Bitch Are You For Real?!”.

Everyone loves a reboot. Except that we don’t. They think we do because everyone tunes in to see exactly how they’re gonna screw it up which leads to big sales which must mean it’s great! Sales slump? Reboot it again! Gender-swapped, race-swapped reboot time! Oh did that fail? Huh. People must really be missing these old characters, well let’s REBOOT IT AGAIN BUT THEY’RE ALL YOUNG! HOW ABOUT THAT? REBOOTS FOR EVERYONE!

Science fiction and fantasy are two separate things. Unfortunately because they are both seen as “geeky” they get thrown in with one another. I say this has been going on for too long! They should be separate! But equal. Sci-fi should have it’s own part of town, and then fantasy can live on the other side. Without as many resources. Do you think sc-ifi wants to drink the same water as fantasy? No! We keep them separate. But equal!

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 168 - Directed by Fred Durst

Glamour! Glitz! The taste of Tinseltown is in the air, so roll out the red carpet for this star-studded episode of Here's What I Don't Get! All your favorite celebrities are here: Tab, occasionally Tim, and Not Todd! But now, it's time for the ceremonies. Let's start with the most important award, Best Issue. This week there have been dozens of great issues, but the four best are nominated tonight. Here are the nominees for Best Issue:

* Movie Budget Inflation
* Oscars over Razzies
* Feeding the Monster
* No Tours

Big budgets means big flops. Crazy how some Hollywood studios haven’t learned this yet. It’s like gambling. If you go into the casino a couple times a year with a couple thousand to spend each time, sure you’ll hit that jackpot eventually, but odds are that it equates to the debt you know have from all the previous attempts. But, if you go in there with a couple of bucks, write off those losses as tax deductible, find the game you’re good at and ride that out to a couple hundred million, no one bats an eye if you come in next time with a bit more money to spend.

If there’s so many ‘problems’ with the Oscars how come all these people still spend 4 hours watching it? In this day and age of online cynicism and dunking on bad takes, how come The Razzies aren’t bigger than The Oscars? You get to take a poop on bad movies and it’s all in good fun, plenty of humble celebrities have even shown up in person to accept their terrible statues. They’re got no biases except against Hollywood itself. You can be white, gay, black, trans, or all of the above and if you make a bad movie you’re still going down.

Look, the master eats everyone eventually. Some people get absolutely mangled. Just torn to shreds. Having to live their life in secrecy, nary to be heard from again. That’s because that person fed the monster each time they could. More and more. And when the monster finally saw the person face-to-face, and that had nothing to give? Well, that was it. But the ones who get out with just a scratch, and keep on going. Well, the monster expected nothing from them, so it didn’t take anything. Or they were rich enough to pay it off.

What is wrong with venue promoters in Oklahoma that we can’t get decent music acts to stop here but once every four or five tours? We’re no Chicago or NYC I understand, but when there’s towns with populations of 15,000 on a 50-stop megaton I’ve really go to stop and wonder. We’ve upended a large part of our downtown and made it the new hotspot just for this reason! But they’ve got to basically give Pitbull tickets out for free because no one WANTS TO HEAR HIS PART OF EVERY POP SONG HE POPS UP ON.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 167 - Going Viral

Welcome to another freezing episode of HWIDG. We’re snowed in now, schools are all closed, roads are icy, and noses are rosy. The weatherman said the blizzard dropped 46 inches of snow over our heads, a new record! Wait, what? He said four to six inches? And we didn’t even get that? Great, what am I going to do with all these bread and milk sandwiches, then?! I guess I can scarf them down while listening to a couple of jerks whine about:

* Playing "What's this Commercial For?"
* Iowa Caucuses
* Download Limits
* Virus Fearmongering

EXT. WIDE. ALL-AMERICAN SUBURBAN HOUSE. A white picket fence and a golden Labrador stand guard against any outside intruders while FATHER and JENNY build a swings on the well-manicured front lawn. MOTHER swings open the cherry-red front door with glasses of freshly-squeezed lemonade and sandwiches for everyone. PUSH IN as the clouds suddenly darken and the skies turn grey. A sudden downpour has ruined their fun. FATHER scrambles to cover everything with a tarp, but can barely stand due to the gale-force winds. CLOSE on Jenny as she has an idea. She grabs one of MOTHER’S sandwiches. Tuna salad with a pink-hued sauce. She takes a bite, and her head turns red then explodes into a bloody pulp. MOTHER and FATHER scream in agony and terror. FADE OUT. LOGO. (V.O.) “New from Hellman’s. Ghost Pepper Mayo. Be Bold.”

You’d think we’d have come up with a better way to count votes than standing in taped-out floor squares and yelling at each other why “my guy” is more socialist than yours, or loves America more. It doesn’t take much, hell runners have the photo finish now. It’s been expanded upon as technology has improved and now we have ultra high speed cameras to make exactly sure what the outcome is. It’s not just a volunteer dude staring at the finish line, shoving the other team’s guy for the best vantage point. Oh, but you say, there was an app this time. Yeah, well how did that work out?

Can you imagine paying your water bill, then getting it turned off 3/4 of the way through the month because you used “too much” of it? Not during a drought, or war time, in fact water has never been more plentiful in this occasion. Or you go to a fast food joint and they say hey, we have free drinks today. You say awesome, grab a cup and fill it with your favorite beverage. Then halfway through an employee karate chops you in the throat mid-gulp and yells at you for having too much of the free soda.

You’re dead. Snow’s coming, guy all the perishable goods or you’ll die. Heat wave’s coming, stay under a fan or you’re dead. Murders are up 12% compared to this time last year, you’re dead. Flu season’s coming up, get your shot or you’re dead. CORONA VIRUS ALERT. THE CORONA VIRUS WILL KILL YOU AND REANIMATE YOU AS A ZOMBIE FORCING A LOVED ONE TO TEARFULLY KILL YOU AGAIN. WE REPEAT THE CORONA VIRUS CAN KILL YOU TWICE. Now back to Cheryl with today’s big Saver’s Tip, Cheryl? Cheryl? Oh god, NO. I’m so sorry Cheryl, but the CORONAVIRUS IS MAKING ME DO THIS.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 166 - Sex Million Pounds of Torque

Hey there, this week HWIDG's coming to you live from our bunker 2 miles under the earth. As soon as the news of the coronavirus hit, we moved to our secret bunker operation, and no there's not room for anyone else, so have fun in Fallout! As your skin sloughs off up there, we're down here feasting on 50 lb. prepper meal buckets. Mmmmmmm, rehydrated Beef Product Enchiladas. Anyways, if your ears haven't filled up with blood and pus yet, stay around and listen to us bicker about:

* Finally Getting Something Ruined
* People Who Don't Understand Analogies
* "Too Soon"
* Other Mustang Guys

There comes a time in everyone's life when one of their beloved objects is ruined for the first time. Maybe they redesign your favorite car and now it's ugly. Maybe they reboot your favorite cartoon as a kid into a grimdark, sex-fueled, dystopian nightmare. Or perhaps your favorite movie is done yet again but with 500% more CG and as a 10-part TV miniseries. Or, they can take a franchise that you've just recently discovered and rip out all that makes it special among its peers and turn it into a generic sci-fi action series. Alex Kurtzman, I hope you contract this new coronavirus and the hospital TV only plays TNG repeats so maybe you learn something. And you do. You see the error of your ways, your body shakes off the terrible threat, you get released, and then I stab you in the throat with a bat'leth.

Analogies are like cars. Most people that have them use them everyday, and understand how they work. They use them correctly, and with proper care. Then there's everyone else. Stupid people, mostly. They were taught how to drive, yet it went in one ear and out the other, and they survive on pure instinct. The kind of people that have hundreds of tickets, are constantly in accidents, and yet somehow their insurance says, yup, you're a great driver.

When is it "too" soon? Probably in the room as the person’s dying. Once that heart stops beating? They’re game. Everyone dies. Everyone goes through other people’s deaths. And guess what? Laughter is the best medicine for grief. It gets you over that hump quicker. We should amend “too soon” to be “not funny enough”, because we’ve all laughed at a joke that was told “too soon” but laughed anyways because the joke was funny enough.

Mustang drivers, they’re tightly-wound, rage-filled, speeding maniacs who are looking to take any and everyone out with themselves on the road. They tinker over every little part of their “baby”, they give it a dumb name, and we all know they’re compensating for their own small “hemi”. They measure themselves against their brethren constantly, gauging V6 vs V8, GT vs Shelby vs. Cobra vs. Anaconda vs. Not-being-a-douche. It may seem like we’re grouping a lot of different people together just because of the car they drive, and you’d be right.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 165 - 99 Trolley Problems

Well, as we wade knee-deep into winter, HWIDG is here to keep you warm. Come in from the cold. Put this blanket around your shoulders and cup this mug of cocoa near the fire. Don’t mind me, a handsome Scottish man that seduced you recently deceased grandmother, and don’t pay attention to the green-lightning storm outside, everything will be fine as long as you’re here with me. Now, let us become one as you let yourself forget about:

* Updates for Outdated Tech
* Trolley Question
* Rules for Thee But Not for Me
* Exclusives

NOTIFICATION: NEW ANDROID UPDATE AVAILABLE. REQUIRES 46.7GB OF INTERNAL SPACE. YOU ONLY HAVE 0.07GB OF FREE SPACE WOULD YOU LIKE TO DELETE SOME FILES TO MAKE ROOM FOR THIS UPDATE? WHAT? OH. I’M SORRY, THIS APPEARS TO BE A 1989 SONY WALKMAN, NOT A MODERN SMART PHONE.

Quick! Everyone and everything you love is on one side of a trolley track. The other side is filled with people you hate, and self-confessed children molesters. WHICH WAY DO YOU MAKE THE TROLLEY GO?! OH IT’S SO HARD TO CHOOSE! HUMAN LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS, I COULDN’T POSSIBLY CHOOSE THE SELFISH CHOICE. Bam! Philosophy! Take that, Socrates.

With my slight modicum of power I now stand over many a helpless serf and have no choice in the matter but to define the following terms of law: I, YOUR MIGHTY KING AM TO BE PAID ONLY IN THE FINEST PLATINUM PHALLUSES. ALL OTHER SERFS ARE TO BE PAID IN THE STANDARD STEEL BEAMS TO BE MELTED DOWN INTO CURRENCY YOURSELF! I, THE KING MAY DRINKETH OF ALL MY WINE WHIL I HOLD COURT, BUT THE SERFS SHALL NOT DRINK LEST FOR THE HOURS OF 4:12 to 4:13 AM, AND ONLY THEN MAY THEY DRINK THE HIDEOUS CONOCTION KNOWN AS THE BUD LIGHT CLAMATO MICHELADA.

Guess what, I paid for this 400 dollar box, and I get to shoot these alien/demon/zombies that you don’t! Y-yeah? Well I bought the *other* 400 dollar box and I can race cars SLIGHTLY DIFFERENTLY THAN YOU CAN! OH YEAH? WELL, FOR THE LOW PRICE OF SEVENTY DOLLARS A YEAR I CAN PLAY MY GAMES WITH OTHER PEOPLE AROUND THE WORLD THAT ALSO HAVE THEIR BOXES CONNECTED TO THE WORLD WIDE WEB, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT? WELL, I CAN DO THAT TOO, BUT ALSO, I GET FREE GAMES FROM 2-3 YEARS AGO. SUCK IT.

All this and more on this week's episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

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Episode 164 - Progressive Hot-Dog Water feat. Isaac Jackson

Just another day, another podcast. Except this time we're in the MILE HIGH PODCAST CLUB. That's right, we're coming to you live from a plane just out of LAX, and we've got full access to the cockpit! We could do a barrel roll! Amazing! We could do a loop-de-loop! We could even dump some fuel! DUMP IT, TODD! We should do this more often, there's absolutely no way this could go wrong, so buckle up, put your tray table up, and listen to these issues:

* Big UI
* Race Relations
* It's Not For You... It's For Kids

Remember the good ol' days, back when you didn't need reading glasses, and you could focus on more than one thing at a time, and your grandkids were cute little babies and not pre-teen monsters? Oh, you're not an old person? Then why the hell are the icons on your phone so big? It takes you 56 swipes to get through your app drawer. Oh, it came like that. Because screw productivity.

We've gone past racism into tolerance and past that back into racism. We've gone from "I don't see color" to "every color is a precious Faberge egg THAT CANNOT BE TOUCHED". Plus, we've so ripped open the meaning of the word racism, that if you don't have every possible race/gender combination in a group of people, you're a bigot. No, I don't have any Mongolian-American friends, and in 2020 that makes me a racist!

Kids are entertained easily. Bright colors, music, lots of movement, it doesn't take much. That doesn't mean their entertainment needs to be bad though. Parents are going to be watching it along with them anyways, so make something that doesn't have to be spectacular high art, but enjoyable enough that they can look back on it fondly and not be horrified when they look back on it in 15 years. And if you want to update Star Trek: The Next Generation, but as a wacky gross-out cartoon, don't.

All this and more on this week's episode, full of REAL TALK. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 163 - Never Going There Again

Well, we've started the year off with a bang, quite literally. Good thing we've got the newly minted Space Force to get a leg up on those dirty [insert brown people here]. So grab your anti-grav suit, smart pistol, and A.I. helmet and GET OUT THERE MAGGOTS WHILE YOU LISTEN TO TAB AND TIM BICKER ABOUT:

* Caring About the Middle East
* Handling it with Memes
* "It's For the Kids"
* One Bad Experience

America loves cops. Absolutely adores them. In fact America loves cops so much she decided to become one. That's right, Sergeant America reporting for duty, sir! Sgt. America, your duty should you choose to accept it is to monitor the world for third-world, non-democratic regimes and BLAST THEM INTO OBLIVION, MAKE THEM HATE YOU, then give them a deputy's badge they don't want. Don't worry, this wont create any sort of extremist resistance force, that's impossible.

Meme away the fear, meme away the sadness, and meme away anything else that doesn't make you feel good. And for good measure, meme away those that do. Good job millennials, you've created a monster that the Zoomers have now adopted as their mascot and way of life. I guess there's worse ways to deflect the news that you're going to war in a few weeks. Good luck, kids.

There are very few things stronger than the love the public has for children. You want anything banned or censored, let a kid die from it. Road needs a crossing walk for 20 years, as soon as a kid is hit you'll get it by the end of the week. Not a fan of vaping? Give your kid some Chinese Viper Xtreme blend and watch him bleed his eyes out, then you can make the government do whatever you want! Unless it's guns.

It's amazing how something can go from innocuous to a cornerstone of your personal hatred. Everybody has had some terrible experience that made them go cold turkey. Whether it's a piece of technology, a brand, a delicious indian-chinese fusion restaurant, or something else, you're not alone, and you're not wrong (unless you're Tab).

All this and more on this week's episode, like the actual first voicemail of 2020! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 162 - New Year, Same 'Cast

They say hindsight is always 20/20, but you know what's not always 20/20? The year! That's right! It's finally 2020, which means it's officialy THE FUTURE™! And what, pray tell, is HWIDG going to be like in The Future™? Pretty much the same! So head to the gym for your first and last time this year and while you're pumping iron, listen to us bitch about:

* Pull-Out Sofa Beds
* Non-Stock Android
* Getting Back to It
* Future Half-steps

Pull-out beds represent everything we at HWIDG stand against. Namely, pulling out. But also, noise, discomfort, and thin mattresses. Why wast your time and health on this squeaky metal contraption that will probably eat you in your sleep when there's a perfectly good sofa right there? And god help you moving the damn thing, might as well be moving Arnold Schwarzenegger's weights collection from 1975 all at once.

Bloatware, pre-installed apps, whatever you want to call them, we've all dealt with them on our phones and tablets. Why would someone want to use Google's App Store when they can use Samsung's or Amazon's? Probably because THEY MAKE THE OS. And you know what else you definitely need? Your service provider's app store, and their own ad-blocker, and their hotspot app, and their "entertainment hub', and their news service, and you phone manufacturer's app store and *their* ad-blocker that thinks the other ad-blocker is a virus, and to top it all off their own update app to update all of them.

Well, New Years is over, time to get back to it. Work, school, whatever it is you do, within the next week or two you're gonna be doing it again. And that looming feeling of it sure can give you the blues. Our suggestion? Just take another vacation! be that cool kid who doesn't show up for the first two weeks of school because you're on a cruise or backpacking through the jungle. Then you won't have time to be depressed when either terrorists hijack the ship or you're being mauled by a tiger!

The problem with the future is that it's never *now*. We like to say it is, but we're a long way off from Star Trek. Like, we don't have flying cars, and though I personally don't think we'll ever have them, that's a future thing. We do have KITT from Knight Rider, and we're on the verge of car-drones, but those are lame steps to whatever our future daily travel is. We've got robots that do our shopping for us! Kinda. There's still a lot of humans involved in the whole process, another half-step. BOO HUMANS, I WANT ROBOTS.

All this and more on this week's episode, like the first voicemail of 2020! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 161 - You Won't Believe What Happens Next!

Happy Festivus, I'VE GOT A LOT OF PROBLEMS WITH YOU PEOPLE, AND NOW, YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR ABOUT,

- People That Think Everything is for Them
- Blaming the Fans
- Clickbait
- Participation Awards

Sometimes you see a news story, or a facebook post, and you think, "Who could be so stupid as to need this." The answer is not you, yet for some reason there is a whole subspecies of humans that are compelled to report to the world, that they already know that thing. I imagine that these folks have a life so devoid of meaning they require validation for knowing trivial facts on the internet.

When a project goes wrong everyone wants to point the finger and deflect the blame for the failure onto someone else. That used to mean people who worked on failed projects may not work again. Today that problem is solved, by blaming the fans. Yes the people who had no input at any phase of the project, other than being a consumer, are somehow responsible for things being total pieces of crap. So remember, if you don't like this issue, it's probably your fault.

"Policeman catches a group of teenagers playing basket ball, and what happens next will shock you." "Old man says all he wants for christmas is this!" "Save money and build wealth with this one neat trick!" The answers to all of these headlines is something completely mundane like, plays basketball with the kids, a doggie door for his dog, and already be rich. Yet people are tricked every day into clicking through to the "Top Ten HWIDG moments, #3 will blow your mind." Congrats you've made the internet a worse place.

Hey you did a great job, you showed up and accomplished nothing! Here's a trophy for being on the team. It's smaller than the one for most home runs, or most outs, but you deserve it because you came on in. These token awards for mediocrity that the kid knows means nothing, yet all those Karens out there will lose their damn mind if her kid doesn't get one, are frying our brains. Hey you did it, you picked up your report card, welcome to the Copy Machine's Honor Roll.

All that and more on this Festivus Episode! Be sure to check out the DISCORD! Support the show on PATREON and NEW PROJECT 2, or by BUYING A SHIRT.

Episode 160 - The Final Countdown

Welcome back to HWIDG! Around here, we're in the ol' Christmas mood, meaning Tab's drinking his "special" hot chocolate sponsored by Jameson, Tim's making wreaths out of his handle collection, and Todd's vaping a nice gingerbread-venison blend. So Happy Holidays from our weird podcast family, and don't forget the true meaning of Christmas: feeling upset at your gift haul despite buying everyone you know their dream car. Also, issues:

* Christmas
* End of the Decade Lists
* Goverment Hours
* Deleting/Deactivating Accounts

Christmas. A time of giving. Giving yourself a sweet new iPad that is. Here you go people i've known all my life, here's gift cards to restaurants that aren't even in your area. BUT I WANT MORE. YOU DIDN'T BUY ME A VINTAGE MARSHALL STACK?! HOW COULD YOU?! ALL I WANTED WAS THAT AND A BUGATTI CHIRON! DO YOU EVEN LIKE CRISTMAS?! IT'S ABOUT SPENDING MONEY ON THINGS I WON'T USE BUT WILL FEEL BAD ABOUT RETURNING SO IT SITS IN THE CORNER!

Where were you ten years ago? WHO were you ten years ago? Ten years is a long time, and most of us only get 7 or 8 of them. Ten years ago Iron Man was a surprise hit with a no-name character with a glint of a larger universe. Now? The MCU is the biggest thing of all time. 2009 was an entirely different time, back when the iPhone had a 3.5 inch 480px320p screen and Soulja Boy was still a thing. Do you want to go back to those days? I didn't think so. How about instead of decade round-ups, we do decade predictions so in ten years we can look back on how wrong we were about holograms and full body VR plugsuits.

The government doesn't work for you. Period. It tolerates you, sure, but it doesn't care about you or your life. It cares about itself. Is it easier and cheaper to work 9 to 5 40 hour weeks? Yes. Does that help anyone that actually needs them to work? No. And what about holidays? Seems like they take any chance they can to not help you. We're sorry, our offices are closed for National Talk Like A Pirate Day, and also tomorrow for National Pizza Day, go screw yourself.

We noticed you haven't used your account in a while, so we're going to deactivate it for you, and also we're now invite only so you can't just make another account. This is from a tiny website. Yet these billion dollar conglomerates beg you to stay. You go to cancel your Hulu account and it's like you're the only member they have and they'll go under if you leave. Like a battered wife in a Lifetime Original Movie: Tanya's Story.

All this and more on this cheer-and-warmth-filled episode of the podcast, plus voicemails and ACTING. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 159 - Tri-Cotton Blends

This week we've lost a lot of people that meant a lot to us: René Auberjonois, Carroll Spinney, and Ron Liebman. From Star Trek, to Sesame Street, to Rhinestone, let us remember these fine actors in the way that only HWIDG can. So, get mad. Get furious, my friends that the universe has taken three more powerful souls to fill it's engines. But while you do, remember that there are plenty of things still here that you can get mad at, like:

* Clothes Material Importance
* Feeling Inadequate
* Suddenly Bad Art
* Adopting Mobile Game Currencies

From silk made of whispers to itchy, curly wool, clothes are made of a random assortment of materials. But one man's cotton is another man's polyester, so who are we to believe? What we need is a new standard of measuring the fit and feel of clothes so that you're not bamboozled by a shirt that shows the outline of your areola or one that feels like you're wearing kevlar.

It's human to compare, but with social media these days, it's quite easy to curate your perceived life to be the absolute best. So don't fret when you're stuck cleaning toilets and your buddy Rick from high school is on his 3rd trip to Aruba this year. Because what he's not showing you is that his 2 kids are satan incarnate and he's doing kilos of coke on "buisness trips" just to feel *something* and he's cheating on his smoking hot blonde wife with every hotel maid he can just on the chance he can give his wife all the VD she can handle because she's bleeding their bank account dry.

Ah, the American comic book industry. Is there anything better than monthly deadlines and corporate-mandated story guidelines to really make your art as best as it can be? Well tough titties Art McGee, dozens of people get it done without tracing 3D models, so don't you dare start or Marvel will give you a 5 year contract, because let's be honest, the comic nerds don't care about the art of it all unless you draw Spider-Woman's scoliosis twins just a hair too small.

AMBER ALERT: $99.99 BEST VALUE HAS BROKEN OUT OF IT'S MOBILE JAIL CELL AND IS HEADED TOWARD YOU IN A GOLD-PLATED CADILLAC WITH LICENSE PLATE 'GIVCASH'. SUSPECT IS ARMED AND DANGEROUS, IF SPOTTED PLEASE HIDE AND CALL YOUR BANK TO REVERSE ANY CHARGES. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES JOIN A RETAIL CHAIN'S REWARDS PROGRAM WHILE SUSPECT IS AT LARGE.

All this and more on this week's episode, like voicemails and car talk. Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

EPISODE 158 - DEATH TO JOHN MELLENCAMP

It's leftovers week! Finish up all that Thanksgiving food while shopping for all the stock the stores couldn't get rid of this year! Half off Xboxes?! You better beat that old lady with her own cane to get the last one, you'll NEVER see a deal like that again. OH! But here comes that green bean casserole you ate way too much of. Hold on! Hold on! Oh great, you just spewed all over the ugly christmas sweater rack. You better hide your face in case anyone's recording this, lest you get turned into the last meme of 2019. While you're running out of the store, think about these things:

* Orgasm Denial
* Getting John Wick'd
* Small Town Cops
* Product Segmentation

Everything in moderation. That's the key to life. When you deny yourself something for a whole month, it's bound to affect you. And let's be honest, getting your rocks off is one of humankind's greatest and strongest urges. Deny yourself any of the other basic bodily needs and you'll die, but just because you can't die from not choking the chicken doesn't mean it doesn't affect you.

There comes a time in life when you run into it's proverbial Russian gangster. Somehow, someway, you piss off that proverbial Russian gangster and he wants his revenge. But this is no ordinary proverbial Russian gangster, this is a coked up, Dad's-the-boss, squirmy POS that doesn't realize your violent past. So when he comes to your house in the middle of the night and takes from you the one thing you love in life, he unknowingly unleashes a beast. Love your pets while you can, folks.

Wouldn’t it be nice if all small town cops were either Andy Taylor or Barney Fife? It would, wouldn’t it? But the world ain’t black and white no more, and believe you me buddy, your small town ain’t no Mayberry. It’s Mayberry’s stepbrother who's in and out of jail for making meth and has 3 babies by 4 women. And the cops? Well let’s just say there’s a reason their drug safe is always low (and it’s not due to the lack of drugs they find).

Have we covered this issue before? Sure! Doesn’t mean it’s over now. If our covering an issue magically fixed it, you’d live in a Star Trek utopia by now, sipping a Mai Tai on your beachfront property. Wanna blame someone, blame the asshole marketing executives who want to name a new product the same as an existing one plus a letter, so that at quick glance you pick the cheap retread instead of the original.

All this and more on this week’s episode! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT!

Episode 157 - Dressed & Stuffed

We here at HWIDG are thankful for the following: America, cool hats, tigers, Italian fathers, armor-piercing rounds, Destiny, helicopters, Lebanese diplomat Abieg Tihdi, polka music, Arby's Beef 'n Cheddar Sandwiches™, and of course, the cinematic classic Wild Wild West. Let us know what you're thankful for this year as we tell you about:

* Tech Support
* The Scam of Religion
* Picking Fights with Family
* Stingy Restaurants

Tech Support for the general masses is a scam if you've grown up with technology. You're better off doing the research yourself, and if you can't fix the problem by a new one, because "Justin" from "Ohio" working in a call center for $1.25 an hour doesn't have the answers and neither does his supervisor. Like all problems in the world, this one is caused by old people.

Why the hell would you buy a $120 bible when they give them away for free in hotels? Because you're old and dammit the nice man on the commercial said it's the best of its kind and Jesus doesn't deserve anything less. You give the church 50 bucks a week anyways, what's another 120? I'll tell you what it is, it's a real nice steak dinner for that pastor. He won't eat a steak worth less than 35 dollars, what is he a common pleb?

Hey, look its your Uncle Jake, you haven't seen him since you were 12! It's been so long! Let's play a game why don't we? First round is guess how many beers he has before dinner is ready. You guessed 2, but guess what his girlfriend left him three weeks ago and he's not over it yet! You're not even close! He's almost blacking out now! Great, that means he won't bring up-nope, he did it, he said the n-word. Welp. Time to go.

Napkins, straws, condiments and more! Seems like more and more places are being real stingy on them. How much can they really cost? I guess they're more important than paying your wait staff a decent wage or hiring a fry cook that doesn't need to paid under-the-table. This tiny cup of ketchup isn't enough, for your poorly seasoned french fries.

All this and more on this week's episode SO BIG you're gonna have to undo your belt a couple notches. Voicemails, movie talk, but most importantly our Thanksgiving Food Free-For-All! Don't forget to join us on DISCORD, and support us on PATREON, NEWPROJECT2 or by BUYING A SHIRT! And this is your last chance to vote in December's Movie Commentary Battle Royale!