Ep 38 - Empress In A Locket

It's been quite a while since we last heard from The Empress of Melanin, so she (and her pal Stephanie) are back in s - Empress in a locket It's been quite a while since we last heard from The Empress of Melanin, so she (and her pal Stephanie) are back in studio this week as we bring in the following issues:

- DJs who Can't Read The Room
- "I Ain't Your Nocket"
- "We Need to Talk"

Unless you have no soul, everyone enjoys a little music from time to time. Music sets the mood in your home, livens up a party, creates an atmosphere in the club. But what happens when the person in charge of the music is incapable of gauging what's appropriate in the moment? I'll tell you what: chaos. Just as easily as the music sets the perfect tone, it can become a major distraction and kill the mood. Nothing kills a pleasant conversation more than when you can't hear, and it's almost universally the fault of a playlist jockey who's absorbed in their own little world, blasting you and everyone else into oblivion by writ of the venue owner. Sometimes you can complain to the owner, or even the DJ, and they'll listen, but often it requires the word of more than one. That means you've got to go grab a bunch of your friends to form a mob of complaints, like building a class action lawsuit, just to reduce the cacophony by a few decibels. But while you're doing everyone a favor by enlisting your friends to help you do your arguing, there's a situation where it's less appropriate. . .

The world is a mire of arguing, these days. Everyone has a point to make, an agenda to uphold, and some virtue to signal. But what if you're at a stalemate? How do you get the leg up on your debate opponent? Well, if you're not a minority, you may be tempted to grab your minority friend and get them to agree with you. Besides, in today's political climate, the agreement of a minority member is worth more than the facts that your argument is based upon. But, the Empress is tired of being paraded out, like a genie from a lamp, every time someone needs their argument wish granted. She's tired of being your ethnic minority on demand or, as she puts it, a "negro in a locket". I think lots of people have been guilty of this, so maybe it's time we all had a conversation about it. You know, a talk. I'm saying we need to talk. And that, in and of itself, is an issue . . .

"We need to talk". These words have caused more anxiety in the hearts of the world than just about any others. They can be the leadup to some of life's worst heartaches, and usually indicate that the worst case scenario has been triggered. But, what if, when someone tells you they need to talk, they then just leave you hanging with an unfinished sentence hanging over your head? Like a conversational cliffhanger, except with almost universally negative connotations? The long range "we need to talk" is a manipulation tool, designed to put you on the defensive before the conversation even begins. Now, instead of hearing whatever it is that needs to be said, you're going to be hearing incoming fire that has to be defended against at all costs. Why? Because you've had time to imagine all of the worst case scenarios, and now you're playing goalie. It's an instinct, and it's very difficult to avoid.

Tab coins a new term, "Controversy Signalling": the stirring up of a nontroversy to get attention.  Even though there were voicemails to be listened to, we did no such thing.  Why not?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

 

Ep 37 - We Failed The Bechdel Test

Be sure to fill out all of the appropriate forms, because today we're not stepping on Snek as our heroes bring in the following issues:

- Audits
- Littering
- The Anti-Rape Device
- The Bechdel Test

Alright, everybody drop whatever it is you're doing and start cleaning up! We're having an audit, and you're going to be the recipient of a few curve ball questions that you had no way to prepare for! Audits are the corporate world's way of reminding you that you work for them and not the other way around. They send around some pencil pusher with a god complex to give everything and everyone the white glove test, and if you're found wanting, the tongue clucks of disapproval can be deafening to the ears and devastating to the yearly bonus. It's bad enough that you're being checked up on for the regular stuff, but what's even worse is when your corporate-appointed tormentor can't find anything to nail you on, so they start making up stuff on the spot. We've never mentioned this regulation before? "Well, you should have been omniscient enough to see the future, because I'm holding you fully accountable for this arbitrary technicality." I remember the days when auditors just wanted to make sure you were sweeping and picking up your area, but Tab feels like there's something even worse than litter on the floor . . .

As products vie to become more convenient, there's always one aspect that's left out of the design: disposal. Wrappers, bottles, cans, boxes, some form of packaging is involved in every product you consume, and that package has to go somewhere. Where will you put it? If you're a half-way decent human being, you'll put it in some form of garbage collection receptacle. If you're an inconsiderate nincompoop, you'll just drop it on the ground, like a horse taking a dump, and leave it for someone else to sweep up. One would think that, what with all of the decades of campaigns against littering, that we'd finally have something resembling a handle on this. Guess not. So, I guess that guy in the commercial (you know, the one dressed up as a Native American) still sheds those tears of sorrow as your plastic bottle blows around in the wind, like a twenty-ounce rapist. But, as bad as that is, there's another type of rape that's even worse . . .

Rape is terrible. Point blank. Full stop. End of discussion. But, in addition to teaching men not to rape (and, really, who thinks that anyone disagrees with this point?) we should also help potential victims learn to avoid dangerous situations, or if needs be, defend themselves. But, whereas common sense tells us that it's best to stop the rape before it can begin, some folks prefer to allow the rape to happen, and then spring a "gotcha" on the rapist. Never mind that, in this moment, the victim is still going to be horribly traumatized by the attack. Never mind that an attacker who has control over his victim will still have control after the "gotcha" has struck home, and may choose to escalate the attack from rape to murder. Never mind that the victim could have been provided with the means to prevent the attacker from ever getting close enough to make physical contact. We've got a wierd, nonsensical idea to push out to the world to show how compassionate we are. That's what the Rapex anti-rape device is. It's a contraption that requires the rapist to SUCCEED IN PENETRATING HIS VICTIM before it accomplishes anything. And since penetrating an unwilling victim already requires a certain level of dominance and control, you've just made the attacker even more angry at his victim. Good job. You'd think that feminists would want to prevent the attack from happening in the first place (thus actually preventing a woman from becoming a rape victim), but no. It's more important to them that a man get's pricked in his penis. That's how you know that feminism is only interested in harming men rather than actually helping women. It makes no sense. And speaking of feminist ideas that make no sense . . .

You know what every movie needs? A scene shoehorned in that fits some arbitrary standard of inclusion. Everything these days is about inclusion. So, when they say that your script isn't inclusive unless it contains two women, who are given names in the script, who are having a conversation that isn't about a man, you know you're being told to dance for the puppet masters. The Bechdel Test is just that; an excuse for those who want to control you to give you instructions and then dare you to disobey them. It's a chance for one group of people to look down their nose at anyone who doesn't bow down and worship the golden idol. What's that? This arbitrary conversation doesn't occur in your movie because of some legit reason (such as THE SCENE MAKES NO SENSE OR DOESN'T ADVANCE THE PLOT!? INTO THE FIERY FURNACE WITH YOU!) But even when a movie passes the Bechdel test, does that make it inclusive? Does that necessarily indicate that the film is the paradigm of female empowerment? Take a look at the list of movies that pass the test and decide for yourself if any of them might be frowned upon by feminists.

Buck warns us to mind our feet in multiple tones, and folks chime in with voicemails about last week's issues. Who's been e-mailing Tab? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Ep 36 - Leap Frog Believers

Be sure not to grind your teeth (unlike Buck) as you vent your  frustrations with us this week as we bring in the following issues:

- New Phones
- Leaving your kids in a hot car
- Passing Leap Frog
- Job True Believers

They've become a part of our everyday lives.  Smartphones were first  predicted (supposedly) by Tesla when he dreamed of a device that would  allow you to communicate with anyone in the world and access the  entirety of human knowledge, all while fitting in the pocket of your  shirt.  But did Tesla foresee planned obsolescence?  Something tells me  he didn't.  It seems like every few months there's a new  latest-and-greatest in smartphone technology, but does anything actually  change from one iteration to the next?  Furthermore, are all brands of  smartphone slowly merging into one in terms of design and functionality?   Are you simply paying for the same phone over and over again?   Potentially.  Probably.  It seems like about a year after you get your  phone, the same problems keep creeping up: they get slower, they start  to glitch, hardware begins to fail, and the battery life goes down the  drain.  And nobody wants to have to stop during their work day to charge  their phone.  Especially if you don't have an outlet charger at work,  so you have to take your phone to charge in your car.  It's either  freezing or smoldering hot, and being left in a hot car is really bad  for your phone.  It's also bad for some other things . . .

It seems  like every week I see two more reports of kids or pets being left in a  hot car.  This is assinine.  Stop it.  Just stop it.  I hate to be  preachy, but maybe if you can't be bothered to think about the fact that  your car gets really really hot in the summer, and your kid or pet will  die if left in a really really hot car, maybe you shouldn't be having  kids or pets.  Especially since a modicum of common sense is all that's  required to A) recognize that there is a danger and B) figure out any of  the several methods of avoiding that danger.  Like, don't leave your  kid in the car; take them with you.  Or, if you absolutely must leave  the kid in the car, leave it running with the air conditioning on, and  don't be gone long.  Or just hire a babysitter.  Or don't go out.  It  really boggles my mind that anyone could pass a test to operate a  vehicle and not grasp this simple concept.  But there are vehicular  concepts that lots of people, it seems, have a hard time with . . .

Cruise control.  It's your friend.  It's that little angel that sits on  your shoulder and says "Hey, buddy, you have a problem with maintaining  the correct speed.  Let me take that over for you."  It's the thing that  keeps you from driving like a jerk.  But, some people can't seem to  grasp the concept, so they speed up and slow down as the winds of fate  blow them around, like detritus in an alley.  What ends up happening is  that you will pass someone, and then slow down and they will pass you,  and then you'll speed up again.  It becomes a vicious cycle known as  Passing Leap Frog.  But, unlike the version of leap frog you played when  you were a kid, this one involves a four thousand pound car, travelling  upwards of fifty five miles an hour, and instead of having fun,  everyone else wants to strangle you.  Is it really that hard to just set  your cruise control and stay out of the way?  Why are you even out on  the road?  Is it because you just love driving?  Well, I might believe  you, but there are some things that you don't just do for the love it . .  .

Everyone, at some point in their adult life, comes across this  stereotype: the company butt-kisser.  The one who shows up early, makes  the coffee, and talks about how much they love the company.  ALL GLORY  TO THE COMPANY!  But, if that paycheck stopped showing up, would they  still suckle from the dry teat?  Would they still talk about how much  they believe in the mission?  Are they a Job True Believer?  There's a  harsh reality, and that is that you only have a job because you need  money.  If you didn't need money, you'd sit around at home, not doing  anything, because existence is hard, and we tend to avoid effort at all  costs.  So, don't ever believe the lie that you're at work for anything  other than a paycheck.  Nobody has time for lies, especially on the  clock.

Someone calls in a solution to the Rewards Card issue from  last week, Tab gets taken to task over taxes, and Uncle Buck calls in  with an issue.  Wait, what?  If you want to know what's going on, you're  going to have to listen to this week's episode! 

Ep 35 - Obfuscated Amusement

Everybody buckle in and keep your arms and legs inside the shuttle at all times, because we're all going for a ride as we bring in the following issues:

-Price Obfuscation
- PETA
- Membership Cards
- Amusement Park Ticket Prices

I know that many of our wonderful listeners hail from other parts of the globe, where some aspects of life may make slightly more sense than the things we do in the U.S. of A., so if it's normal for you to go to a store, see a price on an item, and pay EXACTLY that price, then you should know about a nonsensical thing we Americans do called "price obfuscation".  It's where the price on the item isn't the actual price you pay at the register.  We, for whatever reason, don't include the sales tax on the sticker price.  Only the money that you're giving the store.  Once you get to the register, then ol' Uncle Sam gets to take his bite.  And it can be a pretty big bite, especially when you're making a larger purchase.  But sales tax isn't exclusive to the U.S.  Many other countries also have sales tax, but simply include that sales tax on the sticker, so that if you're paying the store six currencies and the sales tax is an additional currency, then the price on the sticker will be seven currencies.  But not in America.  Nope.  That'd make sense, and when you let all of your rules be decided by a committee of people who live in a bubble outside of the real world, anything that makes sense goes right out the window.  Every single time.  And speaking of things that don't make sense . . .

Do you love animals?  Everyone has their favorite furry (or feathered or scaly) creature that they just adore.  I bet you'd love to see your favorite non-human treated well, because you're probably at least a half way decent person.  But not if you work with PETA.  People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a group of wierd, obsessed psychos who live by the moto "the end justifies the means".  Except that, when PETA does it, they don't accomplish the ends; only the means.  And the means are assinine, and more often than not are punishable as one form or another of assault.  Don't like someone's fur coat?  Spash 'em with paint.  Not only are you going to jail for splashing someone with a potentially toxic liquid (hey, they didn't know if your bucket was full of paint or acid!) and they'll be pressing charges for destruction of property.  PETA members live in a world of fanaticism, but because people get all up in their feelings about images of dogs and cats, they somehow get a pass when their actions cross the line.  But that's how people are.  We'll support anything that makes us feel or LOOK good, and if we're enabling pain and destruction along the way . . . well, I guess you can't win 'em all, right?

Back to the topic of shopping.  Everyone's been to a store where the person at the register tries to push some sort of rewards card or memership card on them.  Especially grocery stores and Game Stop.  But why?  What do you actually benefit from that card?  A few cents off your total?  Big deal.  You're still paying more than what's on the sticker!  And, furthermore, the person at the register doesn't really want to push that card on you, but they have to, because if they don't, they'll be fired.  Companies love knowing who is shopping, and what they're buying.  If they can figure out who you are and what kind of things you like to buy, they can shove more products in your face and down your throat.  It's all about demographics and marketing.  And, hey, I'm all about effective marketing, but the idea of tricking everyone into using a card that collects their metric data is one of those "looks good on paper" ideas.  In reality, nobody with a brain wants to fatten their wallet with useless pieces of plastic.  And the employee doesn't want to get screamed at by Uncle Buck for asking him for his phone number.   And speaking of screaming . . .

The thrill, the joy, the excitement of riding a roller coaster . . . How much more American can you get?  I know, I know, there are roller coasters all over the world.  So, I'll tell you what's more American: capitalism.  And while I love capitalism, I don't always get why some things get valued the way they do.  For instance, why does it cost me $50 to come into your park and stand in line all day?  Why should I find value in paying to get into a place that's extra hot, extra crowded, noisy, and full of products that are astronomically overpriced?  Is the thrill of a two minute train ride that returns me to the exact spot I left supposed to justify this?  I dunno, man.  Seems like a pretty thin deal to me.  But people still flock to amusement parks in the summer months as though they'll never see one again.  But, hey, if they find value in that, then that's the beauty of capitalism and the free market.

Sage calls in, a weather man predicts some precipitation, and Buck gets called out for a screw-up.  What did he do wrong?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Ep 34 - The REAL Here's What I Don't Get

Ladies and gentlemen, let your beefs begin!  We've discovered that there's another podcast out there calling itself Here's What I Don't Get, and in true HWIDG fashion, instead of a polite e-mail inviting them to change their name, Uncle Buck has gone off half-cocked with his hat and shades on.  But what's their show like?  What are the issues that they discuss?  Do they talk about issues like

- The Hallmark Channel
- Weather men
- Using Your Kids for Virtue Signaling
- Updates

This episode is posting in the middle of July, which means it's only a few days more until they start putting up Christmas decorations.  And with the impending holiday seasons, everyone's minds turn to things like fall festivals, thanksgiving, Christmas parades, and the holiday spirit.  The "holiday spirit", as it turns out, is a corporate invention designed to sell decorations, presents, and greeting cards.  From Hallmark.  But with Man-Net infringing upon their market, they had to branch out into another lucrative revenue stream: entertainment.  But is the Hallmark channel really entertaining?  No.  No it isn't.  There's no witty joke or even room for discussion.  It's just drivel.  Mindless, bland, effortless drivel.  Hallmark movies are the television equivalent of flour and water mixed into a dough without any levening, binding agents, or spices, and then baked until it dries into a flavorless clump that isn't so much bread as it is dried dough.  It's technically edible, and if there literally nothing else to consume, you'll consume it, but it's a chore to eat and leaves you feeling dried out and miserable.  That's the Hallmark channel.  But, if there's nothing else on and you don't want to watch the Hallmark channel, what else is there?  The weather channel, you say?  Well, about that . . .

There are lots of jobs out that that essentially boil down to "step in front of a camera and lie".  One of those jobs is being a tv weather man.  You may or may not have a degree in meteorology, and you may have enough radar domes to supply radar jerk-off material for all of your meteorologist friends, but what you don't have is the ability to predict the weather with 100% accuracy.  What you do have is a rapidly waning commercial and societal relevance.  Nobody really watches actual tv anymore; we're all watching Netflix, Hulu, Youtube, or the insides of our eyelids, but by and large traditional tv stations are going the way of the buffalo.  And if you're a weather man, Tab doesn't even trust you to tell him whether or not that buffalo is going to get rained on, or sucked up into a tornado.  Furthermore, he's *really* annoyed when you bump his favorite show for a pointless tornado watch for three counties over.  Stop that.  Now you're just flashing that horrible "alert" noise to get attention and show how important you are.  That's called "virtue signaling", and while that's bad enough, there's another type of virtue signaling that's even worse . . .

I like to crack jokes with these write-ups, but this legitimately ticks me off.  Stop doing horrible, life-altering things to your kids like raising them specifically to be degenerate, or pumping them full of hormones to show how accepting and tolerant you are.  Stop using your kids to virtue signal.  I'm not one for passing laws to tell people what to do, but I have a soft spot for kids, and when you take your five or six year old kid and start pumping them full of hormones to prove a point, I think you should go to prison.  Not the county jail, but federal prison.  In the worst cell block, where they stuff you in a corner with all the crazies and assume they won't have to worry about feeding you breakfast the following morning.  From giving your kid a dumb name to telling your teenage son that you're ashamed of him for being born male (which was your fault, by the way; nice job), using your kids to show the world how progressive you are is exactly what tells me you're the worst type of human being alive.  And, as I type this and boil over with rage, I kinda think maybe "alive" is exactly what you shouldn't be.  But, feelings change, and maybe, just maybe, by next week my opinion will have been updated.  Speaking of which . . .

It's increasingly popular to have a "smart" this and a "smart" that.  From phones to watches to televisions to refrigerators, everything has to have a computer and a bunch of apps slapped on it.  But what happens when the devices that you use on a daily basis have to go through daily updates?  How about when you need to make that emergency phone call and your OS is in the middle of a ten minute reboot because it's updating?  What then?  I hope you weren't calling 911, or trying to explain to your boss that you're a couple minutes behind but you'll definitely make it to work.  If you are, you're boned.  All because the jerks that made the software got about 75% of the way finished and said "Yeah, that's good enough.  We'll finish the rest later."  There was a time when you bought a thing, turned it on, and just used it, but now you have to update a product AS SOON AS YOU BUY IT, which is absurd!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare some edits to this write-up so I can update it in the middle of you reading it.

Andy calls in, with his windows up this time, and Sage tells us what he doesn't get.  We had a VERY special 10 word list come in during the news segment this week.  Who were they from, who were they to, and what did they say?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!
(Tab mentions a video during the episode.  Here's the link.  https://youtu.be/49WDCIaD0ck

Ep 33 - Lower Education

The nightmare is over again (for a while at least) and Tab is back in North Carolina!  Once again in-studio, and before an audience of live streamers, we slam the throttle into high gear when we bring in the following issues:

- College
- Password Glitches
- Textbooks
- Ecosexuals

You've heard it since before you were born (because they whispered it to you while you were still in your mother's womb).  You've heard it from nearly everyone, because it's ubiquitous . . . Go to college.  But why?  That's what Tab would like to know.  There's a rising tide of common sense and realization that maybe the modern version of college is just a ponzi scheme and has nothing to do with improving your actual future.  You see, back in the days of yore, going to college had a very specific purpose, and that purpose was to give you the knowledge you need to go into a specific field of expertise and succeed.  You'd go to college to learn a trade of some kind.  Maybe law, maybe medicine, maybe finance, but you'd come away from the experience having exchanged your time and money for something of value: knowledge.  Maybe, if you were lucky, even wisdom.  But today colleges offer one and only one course: Advanced Cuckoldry.  I would have said Cuckoldry 101, but you're taught that in elementary school, these days, so that by the time you reach college, your skills of being a useful idiot are so advanced, you could go back in time and ruin history by teaching cuck-fu to the most important historical figures and altering the timeline, ultimately performing the ultimate self-cuckmate by preventing your own existence.  But then you won't have existed to become a cuck and go back in time in the first place, so history will switch back in a paradox of cuckoldry where you both do and do not exist simultaneously; Schrodinger's Cuck.  But, at least you won't have to worry about logging in to anything . . .

It's happened to us all; you're attempting to access some quasi-vital thing in your life, be it e-mail, facebook, or just your Xbox, and you have to enter your password.  No problem.  You haven't changed the password in months, so you fingers glide over the keyboard with the skill, ease and precision that only comes through muscle memory and BAM! you hit that enter key, only to have your password spat back in your face.  "Nope.  Sorry.  That's not right.  Do it again."  So, confused but aware that sometimes even the best of us can fat-finger a key on occasion, you back up and punt.  Nope.  Still not right.  So, this time, you take extra time, ensuring that you're hitting only the correct keys.  Still no.  Your account is locked up tighter than a Puritan vagina.  So now you start to question whether or not you've changed your password, or if maybe your account has been hacked, or if you're just losing your mind.  So it all ends up coming to the last resort: the password reset.  But now your well-rehearsed muscle memory is wasted.  That password will no longer exist; it went right into the same oblivion as your patience.  Sometimes it's better to just walk away for a bit and come back later.  Go calm down by doing something constructive like taking a walk, watching tv, or reading a book.  Of course, some books will only lead to more frustration . . .

Gamestop is notorious among gamers for buying a used game from a customer for a pittance and putting it right back on the shelf an just under full price, but they didn't invent that business model.  No, that honor goes to your college book store.  I remember my college days when you'd go to the book store and pay well over $100 for each of the eight textbooks I'd need for that semester, and that was for used copies.  I'd hate to know how much they cost now.  But, in a day and age where literally all of human knowledge is available at our fingertips, thanks to the internet, what good is a textbook?  If your professor is so smart, why can't he or she just straight up explain the facts to you, or demonstrate them somehow, and leave the Big Textbook industry out of it?  Because it's those same professors who are writing the books, and those greedy jerks aren't going to let a second revenue stream just pass them by.  But what happens when you refuse to buy the book and just show up to class, armed with the internet and a sassy attitude?  Can you autodidact?  Can you out-teach the teacher; out-profess the professor?  If you could find a way to undercut the teacher by being a tutor, could you out-sell the snake-oil salesman?  Could you out-cuck them Cuckster?  That's the beauty of the free market.  Except for the inherent deviancy of creepy college professors.  And speaking of creepy deviancy . . .

I remember back in the 90's when environmentalism was being crammed down the throats of children across America, sold to us by shows like Captain Planet, but now it seems that they're using sex to sell environmentalism, so prepare to have something completely different shoved down your throat.  A penis.  Because the latest and greatest trend in idiotic leftist non-sequiturs is Eco Sexuals.  What are they?  Well, as the root words suggest, they are people who literally (not figuratively) try to have sex with the environment.  Women smearing mud in their vaginas and grinding on trees and rocks.  Guys (I assume) who see that knothole in a tree and think "Oh baby . . .".  I wonder how long it'll be before I see the inevitable image of a woman (or man) with tree sap dripping down their face like a money shot?  The sad part about that last statement is, as silly and deranged as it is, you KNOW for a FACT that it's coming.  But, when you're desperate and wierd enough to try to attain sexual gratification from tree bark, maybe it's just a relief that anything at all is coming, because you definitely won't be.
We revisit a voicemail from last week, and Sage drops by with an issue of his own.  What doesn't he get?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Ep 32 - Happy 4th of July

I hope you're ready for some fireworks (both literal and figurative), because this week's episode was recorded on the good ol' fourth of July! So prepare to 'ooh' and 'ahh' as we bring in the following issues:

- Slow People In Buffet Lines
- "I'm a [blank]" guys
- Pirate movies
- Assigned Seating at Movie Theaters

With cookouts and potlucks being in full swing this summer, Uncle Buck has a helpful PSA to help you stay ahead of the game: KEEP MOVING! There's very little as boring as a potluck dinner, and even worse than the screaming of the unattended kids isn't as mind-numbingly enraging as the dawdling, dead-eyed pace at which people shuffle through the buffet line. It's as if everyone got injections of indecision and ineptitude prior to attending. It's not that hard to choose the two or three things you're actually going to scoop onto your plate, especially since 75% of what's on the table looks completely inedible and\or unsanitary. Just grab the spoon, scoop up your burnt turd casserole, accept your fate, and move along. It's not that hard to pluck out a piece of KFC chicken from the bucket and get out of the way. I have no idea why so many people out there are hyped up over socialism, because the food lines that await us twenty years down the road from now are exactly like this, both in terms of quality and selection, except the table is going to be empty by the time you get to it, and by that point you're going to have either starved to death or cannibalized your neighbor, so the whole ordeal is a moot point anyway. That's why we have jobs. In an economy driven by capitalism, you go to work, earn money, buy food, then prepare and eat it in the privacy of your own home, without the entire nursing home pawing over it first. On today, of all days, I'm thankful for the freedom to develop a skill, work a job, and reap the benefits of my labor for ME and ME ALONE. But, even going to work has its down sides . . .

It's happened to us all. You're taking that skill that you've built over years of hard work, and applying it to a work situation. There's a problem to be solved, and just like that anti-gun weenie who portrays the hero in the Taken movies, you've got a particular set of skills, baby! But, it never fails; some schmuck who saw a Youtube video that one time and somehow has the authority in the situation to hamper your progress comes up and tells you "Oh, I know how to do this, too. I'm a [blank] guy." and proceeds to spout the most inane nonsense you've ever heard. "Oh, you do a podcast? Yeah, I listen to several podcasts, so that makes me an expert. Here's why your show sucks." Oh yeah, buddy? But how many do you actually DO? How many hours have you spent actually COMING UP WITH CONTENT, performing that content, recording it, editing it, presenting and then promoting it? None? Imagine my surprise . . . Until you've actually put your face in front of the camera and hung your voice and opinions out to dry for the entire internet, how about you shut up, yeah? Oh, you know a thing or two about turning on a light-switch, huh? That makes you a lighting engineer? I'm gonna refer you to my buddy, Tab, who is more than likely going to take that entire lighting fixture and wedge it up your rectum and turn it on so that your face looks like the CHARGIN MA LAZERS meme. Speaking of memes . . .

Culture is informed by memes. Did you know that. No, not just the silly pictures we look at on facebook instead of being productive at work. I'm talking about the original definition of cultural memes. But one stereotype that I'm sick to death of is that of pirates. Not the internet pirate, but the Golden Era of Sailing type. The "swashbuckling adventure" type. What exactly does "swashbuckling" mean, anyway? It's basically become synonymous with "cheesy pirate movie". But the fact of the matter is, pirates, while fascinating to learn about, weren't heroes. Or even entertaining. They were a terrible nuisance, and everyone and their brother loathed them to hell and back. Why? They stole and killed. That's it. They didn't bury treasure, they didn't have noble intentions, and they weren't particularly charming or fun. They were people who didn't want to to an honest day's work, so they got on a boat, waited for someone with money to come along, boarded their ship, killed everyone who resisted, and stole whatever was valuable. In essence, they were socialists on a small, more effective scale. It bugs me to no end to see them portrayed as romantic heroes, and it bugs me even more to see kids shows telling us weird nonsense like "pirates never take anything that doesn't belong to them." That's nonsense. That was the entire purpose of being a pirate. But there's one more thing that bugs Tab about pirate movies . . .

Back in the good ol' days, you could just go to the theater, buy your ticket, go in, and pick a seat. Any seat. Got there before everyone else? Then you get literally any seat in the house! Enjoy! But not anymore! There's a growing trend of buying your movie tickets online (which is degenerate, by the way) and having your specific seat in the theater saved for you. You don't even have to get off of your lazy butt and get to the theater early; you can just have mommy and daddy coddle you. Pretty soon, you won't even need to drive yourself to the movies; they'll offer a service where someone comes to your house and carries you, like the crippled writer in Clockwork Orange. But while being toted around by David Prowse (look it up) may be fine to you, it's not to us. There's an old saying, "The early bird gets the worm." Well, I'm not too keen on eating worms, but if I get to the theater before you, I'm taking whatever seat I want, and if that happens to be the one you reserved, too bad. You can go pound sand. I was here first. What's that? You're getting the usher to come deal with me? Good luck, sucker! I out-weigh that pimply prick by a good hundred and fifty pounds. I'd love to see him try to force me out of this chair. You just have fun with that. It'll probably be more entertaining than the movie, anyway!

Our buddy Sage calls in again, and we get a surprise voicemail from a super-villain! Which one? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Ep 31 - "Alexa, Where's My Package?"

Once again into the breach, and by "breach" I mean technical frustrations!  I swear, whenever we're doing the show via Skype, things just get more and more frustrating, but in just a couple more episodes, we'll be back in studio, so please bear with us as we tackle the following issues:

-Delivery Tracking
-Cuddlists
-DIY
-Weaponized Consent Laws

It's a staple of the modern age, it seems, to order something online.  From tools to entertainment to food, we click the "confirm" button and the excitement begins to set in as we eagerly await whatever it is we've spent our hard-earned money on.  And, to heighten that sense of expectation, you can now track your shipment on every leg of its journey, and even see when it's supposed to arrive.  The key words being "supposed to".  But even Alexa can't make the delivery driver competent, and when they screw up and your precious, anticipated package doesn't find its way into your hot little hands, it's upsetting.  Very upsetting.  Upsetting enough to make one need the reasurring comfort of human touch, like a hug.  But what if you're just too socially inept to score a hug without money exchanging hands?  Well . . .

Like most folks these days, Uncle Buck is way too addicted to Facebook.  And every so often, he runs across something so strange, so backwards, so inexplicably stupid that he just can't wrap his head around it.  But could he wrap his arms around it?  I'm talking, of course, about Professional Cuddlists.  What are those, you may ask?  They're charlatans who have somehow managed to make a living by selling non-sexual physical contact.  Like hugs.  Or cuddling.  Or dry humping?  But, it seems like most folks chicks don't need to hire a professional to hug or hump them; they can find that on their own.  But maybe some things you shouldn't be doing on your own . . .

As one comedian put it, Pinterest is where your girlfriend stares at her phone for eight hours and then you eat salad out of a mason jar.  But, aside from helping birth the Ten Word List perk for our Patreon subscribers, it's also a place that convinces the least skilled among us that they too can slap together some ramshackle monstrosity and boldly declare "nailed it!" to the world.  Well, how about when the "nailed it" refers to the rusty nails that you failed to remove from pallet wood that pierces your skin somewhere and requires a tetanus shot?  Or how about if your DIY playhouse collapses and kills your dog?  Let's face it, sometimes taking a half-assed stab at something just because you saw it on the internet isn't such a good idea.  Sometimes trying to do it yourself will only get you screwed, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.  But speaking of blaming people for screwing you . . .

If you're one of those folks who has managed to shed your professional cuddlists and found some actual human affection in the real world, watch out, because even though money isn't exchanging hands, sex is getting to where it requires a signed contract.  Why?  Because of weaponized consent laws, so that even though yes means yes, sometimes it can also mean no.  Especially during or after the fact.  And whereas some folks are decent enough to talk things over before the banging begins, sometimes you wind up in these situations and find that things aren't going as planned.  Consent laws are, on the surface, a great thing that give victims of rape a voice to hold their attacker accountable, but that pendulum can swing both ways.  It's very easy for any rule to be abused, and when that abuse is used to accuse someone of rape, you can permanently ruin someone's personal and professional reputation.  Buck talks about a solution, but it may not be for everyone.

Our buddy Sage calls in three separate voicemails, and our Aussie buddy Pork Hunt gives his two cents on the Air Compressor debate.  Whose side did he take?  Find out on this week's episode!