Episode 62 - What Does the F Mean?!

In a world, where the innocent are ravaged by both MegaCorp soldiers and junkie gangs looking for a fix, there is only one podcast prepared to take on these injustices: RoboHWIDG. Watch in glorious stereo and Technicolor as RoboHWIDG dispenses its vigilante justice on these issues:
-Impatient People
-Speed Humps
-The YouTube Invasion
-Proprietary Technology

I like murder. I like murder mysteries, I like seeing vigilantes dole out murder, hell I like flocks of crows. I like killing so much, I kill TIME. But everywhere around me, there’s people just ignoring all the possible murder they could be doing! Look people, you gotta make room for murder in your life. Take a step back, relax, and lay the smack down on some chronal units. You’ll be much happier. Have you ever seen a sad serial killer? That’s what I thought.

It used to be, back in the day, when you would hit something on the road, it was one of two things. Either you just helped tame the rabid coyote population of the town you were in, or you put some hobo out of his misery. In our hustle and bustle of modern life now, chances are it’s neither and it’s just some speed humps. Somehow these coyotes and hobos banded together and got these installed everywhere, and now they’re copulating into a stinky coyote/hobo mutant breed. So, uh, watch out for those.

They won’t be the first of your problems though. First, you’ll have to survive the YouTube invasion. They’ll start with the bombings. Mass thumbs downs everywhere. Next, the sleeper cells are activated. Good, hard working people that you’ve known your whole life will grab you in your sleep, shake you and yell "GET YOUTUBE RED”. Then, the final phase: total destruction. Spiderman and Elsa from Frozen will descend from the heavens, twerking on and pranking everyone until we all submit.

And as you walk through what used to be the streets of Chicago, now known as Google State Sector 115.AX, with your aging, second generation feeding device beeping at you, warning of low battery, you’ll be wishing for a universal feed port. But no, the competing companies made like five different kinds, and changed them every year. So now you have to tear open a feed pod, re-hydrate it, and force yourself to swallow it. Good luck buddy, that last one’s liver and onion flavored.

We also taste test this week's voicemails to see if they're as spicy as last week's. Usually this is where we thank you for listening, but not this week. This week we'd like to say SCREW YOU, DROP WHATEVER YOU'RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND LISTEN TO THIS OR WE'LL SHOOT YOU IN THE DICK, CREEP. Don't forget to join the Discord!

Episode 61 - Spicy Pain Units W/ Beef

Get ready for the show of the century with this week's episode! Dim the lights, start up the fog machine, and blare some nu-metal as we enter the ring and try to TKO these issues:
-Electives
-"Me Too" Businesses
-Your Dumb TV Show
-Testicles

EXT. COLLEGIATE CAMPUS, DAY. Our hero, TAB, blasts through double doors on to the green lawn of Jefferson U. He tries to catch his breath as he stops and looks around the unusually empty campus. He looks back to the doors. He knows they won't be long. The damn Electives had been chasing him for near 18 years now, and each time they were smarter. Hell, they followed him across the country just to stop him right at the end. He had almost been free. Almost. Somehow they managed to send an agent to the final meeting. Nearly tore his damn face off. This was it. The final showdown. He was going to have to wrestle this thing down and rip it's heart out. If it even had one.

Choices, choices, choices. Whatever you want, whatever you need, we got it here at SaveMart. And if we don't got it, just head next door to Big Saver! And if Big Saver doesn't stock it, try across the street at Discount Plus! If Discount Plus ain't got it, try Dollar Box, and if…stop it. Just stop it. Put your business elsewhere. I’m not going to either store now, are you happy?

We all love things. Usually we love them too much. It makes us blind to its faults, and makes us annoying to others. Just like in Season 17 of Guiding Light when Deborah gets brain cancer and it causes her to love everything she hated and hate everyone she loved. OH, it was sweet when she shot her lover Brian right in the head and ran off with his evil twin Jake. But in Season 18 the dropped the ball when they killed off Jake in the season premiere and introduced the talking rabbit……….

Watch them dangle, each them jiggle, watch them get longer as you age, testicles are the hacky sacks of the human body. Generally useless, a pain in the ass, and hippies just love drowning them in patchouli oil. It’s like having the gas tank of a car outside on the hood. The lack of protection means you have to stay on guard at all times, or wear a cup 24/7. Just chop them off and be done with it please.

Plus, we listen to a bunch of voicemails, including some real spicy, burn your tongue off slabs of rock hard BEEF. As always, thanks for listening, and drop into the Discord.

Episode 60 - A Thin Layer of Frost

Welcome to another rousing episode of Here's What I Don't Get! This week we hop on to the wild steer that is life and try to lasso these issues:

Planned Obsolescence
Your Dumb Bleeping Children
Not Putting Things Back where They Go
Not Removing Ice on Your Car

Everything must go. No, it's not a fire sale, it's just a fact of life. I will go. You will go. The USA will go, followed shortly by Earth itself, and in a few billion years, the universe. This is because the purple horse demons that created it are in need of an upgrade and Verizon planned it so that everything would perish right before their contract was up. C'mon, everyone knows Verizon is behind it all. And in the next universe, maybe we'll have a fighting chance against them. Maybe.

Our next issue is pretty simple. We don't wanna hear about your stupid robots. All day you're badgering me with stories about little 6 year old V-Unit 11497. Stop it. No one cares. Robots are dumb, we all know this. Everyone has heard and seen everything a little robot will-wait what? This issue's not about robots? But it says bleeping children. Oh, I see what happened. Tab said a bad word when yelling about snot-nosed brats. Either way, don't talk to us about your children, robots, or robot children.

Just as everything must go, everything also must stay. STAY IN ONE GODFORSAKEN PLACE. PLEASE. JUST PUT THINGS BACK WHERE YOU FOUND THEM. THEY'RE THERE FOR A REASON. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE? NEXT TIME I CAN'T FIND THE FLIPPING HAMMER, I'M DRIVING TO THE CLOSEST HARDWARE STORE AND GOING OLDBOY ON ALL THEIR ASSES. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

There's only one reason why someone should have their car windows covered. And that's because they're covered in sheet metal and spikes and you're in a post-apocalyptic race for a gallon of water. Wouldn't you squeegee a marauder's blood off your windshield so you don't die and take out 3 other cars in that scenario? Then why won't you scrape the ice off? I hope you spin out, you jerk.

And that's not all, we also listen to a whole buttload of voicemails, and have our very first listener submitted news intro (You'll need to turn on subtitles for that part)! Don't forget to vote on next month's movie choice, and hop in the Discord too.

Episode 59 - Billable Hours (Ft. Nick Rekieta)

Originally, we weren't going to have an episode this week, but at our weekly meeting with our internet lawyer Nick Rekieta, we got to talking about some issues, and luckily he records all of his conversations. Here's what we discussed:
-Organic Food
-Checks (Cheques for you weirdos)
-Taxes/Fees for things you already own

We all know organic food costs more than the "regular" stuff, but does it taste as good? No way. Look, GMOs are the future, like it or not. The nanomachines they inject our food with add such a satisfying crunch! And as they die, their wriggling forms give your tongue that relieving buzz! Plus, eventually their remains get absorbed into your bloodstream and passed on to your children and that's how we get to our cyberpunk/transhumanist future and YOU WILL NOT DEPRIVE ME OF THAT SO YOU CAN PAY THREE TIMES AS MUCH FOR WORSE TASTING STRAWBERRIES.

Speaking of the future, it's pretty clear to see that we're moving towards an all digital, cryptocurrency economy and that's a shame because kids these days won't know all the hassles we've been through with checks. Writing them, depositing them, cashing them, no matter where you run into a check, odds are it'll mess with your day. Please, just give me the least human interaction possible when dealing with my money. I want numbers, not words. These kids have it made, all they'll have left are giant novelty checks, and let's be honest, we'd all prefer to use those over Bitcoin, Dogecoin, or what have you. You tried, Publishers Clearing House. You tried.

You know who still uses checks? Old people. You know what's full of old people? The government. You know what the government wants? Your stuff. And if they can't have it, they'll tax the hell out of it until you don't want it anymore. Great, now you've lost all your belongings to taxes, then you lose your home, so you're out on a corner downtown breaking nto the cars of yuppie start-up kids trying to get enough cash for a Subway sandwich. You get just enough by the end of the day and waltz in, ready to eat like a king, but you go to pay, and you're 73 cents short! How could this be?! Damn you taxes! DAMN YOU!

ll that and more on this justice filled episode! Plus, we listen to voicemails, talk about some lawsuits, and give you an update on what you can expect on the Patreon. Join the Discord for some hot Eurobeat action.

Episode 58 - Hack Your Life

It's a few days into 2018 and your resolutions have gone up in flames already! Don't worry, because we here at HWIDG have our own resolutions, some involving you, and some involving illegally sourced Liger meat. Come with us into this meat locker, we promise it won't hurt. As you slowly freeze to death, we'll tell you all about our issues with:
- Life Hacks
- Not Committing to Film
- Weird Sleeping Habits
- Mansplaining

As we stroll down the aisle of the Internet, plucking various items from the shelves, we tend to stick to what we like. What we know and love. Occasionally, you'll find something new and shiny and pluck it out on a whim. Sometimes you love the fresh ingredients and slick packaging, and sometimes it's just bland. Either way, your trips tend to stay the same every time you visit. That is, until you hit the "As Seen On TV" aisle of the internet: Life Hacks. That's right, you really do need this dumb pillow or some gadget that magnetizes the fat out of your food (this is real, folks). the same way you need a knife to the leg, or some hot Life Hacks. How do people live without hacking their lives?! How do they fold their fitted sheets?! Well, we'll tell you, all for the low, low price of $24.99 (not including shipping & handling), or, we'll tell you twice for only $39.99. What a bargain!

Speaking of bargains, we all know that phones are expensive these days, and forget about buying a standalone camera, you'll go broke! So, we were all relieved in 2003 when they finally figured out that video sensors could be produced at a fraction of the cost by adjusting them so that they sense the point of climax in a recording, then send 50,000 volts into your body, causing a spasm that lasts until you stop recording. And we've lived our lives that way ever since. Long gone are the days of having to see those awful car accidents or skaters falling face first into concrete. Praise be to that discovery from 109 years ago, and praise be to the Priests and the Solar Federation.

Does anybody know why "Zzz" was chosen to represent snoring? I propose we move to "HCJGKKKK", but then what do I know? I'll tell what I know, I know that people sleep weirdly. Sleepwalkers, sleeptalkers, and sleepjugglers exist everywhere, yet no one does anything about it. We need mandatory bed straps not unlike those in asylums, so that no one can get out of bed until they're good and ready. Mark my words, one of these days we'll get a sleepmurderer and the government will outlaw sleep for everyone, and then you'll wish you did something. Find those that you love and install those straps for them, I promise you they'll thank you when the time comes.

Life is about many things to many people. Unfortunately, for too many people the acquisition of knowledge doesn't rank too high on that list and that needs to change. Learn things, not just from books, but from people. Yes, people can be assholes and assume you don't know as much as you do and explain to you something you already know. Tell them this. 9.999 times out of 10, they aren't Manplaining. This is what social media has done to us. It divides us up into "us vs. them" groups and from then on every little interaction is pre-primed to be on a tipping point. It's all perceived slights. Welcome to 2018 folks! We know you've all been busy telling your relatives all about us, and we're happy to have them! Just promise us they won't call in about sports. Join the Discord.

Episode 57 - No Return

One year leads to another, so grab those 2017 calendars and burn them for warmth while you listen to our thoughts on the following issues:
- Cars w/o Phone Holders
- Places Open on Christmas Day that Don't Need to Be
- No/Poor Return Policies
- Family Photos

Odds are, some of you will listen to this podcast from your phone, in your car. Perhaps on your way home from a long day at the factory, or from the city dump where you planted all your neighbor's furniture that you stole. Either way, you're probably using your phone to do so. And where do you put it? Cup holder? Center console? Have you maybe rigged up an elaborate system of pulleys? However you do it, the onus shouldn't be on you if you're driving a recent model car. I think the manufacturers know that the phone companies secretly use flux capacitors to make our phones so smart, and the second someone spills a cola on a phone connected to an official Ford phone mount, the car will automatically produce a holodisc copy of 2025's Back to the Future 5.

You know, on my way back from the city dump after a fight with my neighbors a nice Christmas party the other day, I stopped by a bookstore, a mattress store, and a Wendy's to grab some last minute gifts. To my surprise, none of those places were open! Well, that didn't stop me and I still got what I needed, but the officers that ILLEGALLY DETAINED ME said that I couldn't and that I was on PCP! I told them that this was America, and that capitalism doesn't stop for NUTHIN, not even Jesus' yearly bris. Why weren't these stores open?! I had to wait a whole day to buy my step-sister a $5 Wendy's gift card after she bailed me out. If only there was an alternate world where this didn't happen......

Did everyone get exactly what they wanted for Christmas this year? Of course not. You probably got some way-too-small pants, and yet another copy of C.H.U.D on VHS. You'd better hope that those are returnable, otherwise, like my step-sister you're going to have to make a trip to the pawn shop and sell them for bail money. Or maybe you'll try craigslist like I did and get roped into making a snuff film. You see Amazon third party sellers? Do you see now what you have done?! You killed the Weinbachs. You did this.

Ah, the Weinbachs. They were such a nice family. The thing that stuck out to me while casing their house was the giant family photo on their living room mantle. I can only imagine the hours of pain they endured trying to get that coordinated. Honestly, their gruesome murders paled in comparison to the torture that is taking family photos. Look forward to digging out your own family photos in a few years when you stumble across them, and look forward to finding the Weinbachs when some labrador stumbles across them.

We also listen to a few voicemails this week and catch up on some issue votes (which totally aren't rigged, by the way). Well, that wraps up 2017 for us here at HWIDG. Thanks everyone for listening, watching, and pledging. We look forward to bringing you an even better 2018 filled with more issues than you can shake a fist at! Don't forget to join our Discord.

Episode 56 - Zombie Baby Jesus

Hopefully as you sit down to listen to this week's miraculous episode, you find yourself in the comfort of your home. Preferably with a nice hot mug of cocoa, a fully furnished tree, and your pet bobcat purring at your side. So, prepare yourself as we parachute in with these issues:

- Xmas Light Tours
- Fake Holidays
- Eggnog
- Wrapping Presents

Look! In the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! It's Zack Snyder's brooding Superman! No. It's a line of imbeciles staring at houses. We all know only the lowest of lifeforms is so attracted to such shiny objects, and that's why Christmas is so popular! These well-lit houses pull in flocks of drivers from everywhere onto the street, making it harder for you to get where you're going on time, so next time you're out, pack that 12 gauge and get ready for the best fish in a barrel you've ever had.

Let's be honest, the phrase "Happy Holidays" only exists because some dumb joyriding teenagers from 2337 thought it would be hilarious to jump into a chronopod and change history so that Festivus became a joke on a sitcom instead of the singular winter holiday. The ramifications of splitting the time stream means that we are now stuck with these weird splinter holidays from other parallel timelines, and they make Tab angry! Buddy, just be glad we didn't get stuck with Toyotathon from the dieselpunk ravager timeline.

It's time for the yearly office party again and all is going well. At least Carol from HR isn't passed out ass up on the floor again this year. Your cubicle buddy Rob comes over and offers you a glass of good 'ol rum-spiked nog. What do you do? Well, If you're any kind of civilized person, the correct answer is to throw it in his face, sucker punch him, and fail to jump through the fourth floor window, rendering you unconscious. That taste of blood and carpet and shame in your mouth as security escorts you out? I'd much rather have that be bottled up and sold as a drink than eggnog.

Guess what folks? I got you a little something. You wanna know what it is? Too bad. First you must wander through the forest of Elverwrap, through the mountains of Bowtania, and into the river To-and-from. Only then will you be prepared to witness the glory that is..... THE COMPLETE SERIES BOXSET OF THE GILMORE GIRLS ON DVD! Thanks a lot Nana, here's a pack of Kools, knock yourself out.

All that and more on this festive episode! Plus, voicemails from you, yes you! Make sure to join the Discord and air your grievances.

Episode 55 - Jacksonville, Florida

This week's episode is best served with no ice, on a bed of leafy greens. Join us as we venture to the Florida of the human body, your ears, on a journey to deliver you these issues:

- Net Neutrality
- Shipping & Tracking
- "Have You Eaten Here Before?"
- Awards Shows Not Being About the Awards

Welcome to the Digital Thunderdome. Within its fiber optic, webbed structure, one man has fought his way through waves of Dial-up Samurai and Flame Warriors. He stands proudly in the arena, prepared to meet his foe with fervor. The mass of thousands of spectators slowly start to chant his name, "Neutrality, Neutrality". The crowd's words build to a deafening roar as the ground trembles, the fighter's opponent approaches. He bursts forth from the arena doors! A gargantuan Novelty Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Mug! The man steels his face and forward. As this latest internet fight with the FCC gets closer and closer, we wonder if too much protest harms the cause, because frankly, we are tired of hearing about it.

It's that time of year again, so make sure you have your security system's camera pointed at your porch lest the thieves grab those Amazon boxes. Of course, chances are you didn't even know it was there because the tracking information wasn't updated. Or maybe you know the exact second it was placed there because they tracked your package like it was a possible terrorist. Personally, I prefer the Alighierian limbo of "preparing to ship", because I imagine those socks I ordered mentally preparing for a long voyage away from their cotton-polyester blended family.

Welcome to Chez Tab, where there's two things on the menu, burgers and Dr. Pepper. None of that free range, locally sourced, organic, farmer's market, gastronomy trash. It's a very simple concept, therefore we don't have to waste 5 minutes of your time explaining the "concept". The burgers come from cows, and the drinks are freshly milked from the tender gonads of the good doctor himself. You're gonna have to go somewhere else for your quinoa burrito and room temperature water.

Hey, did you know this is an award-winning podcast? Of course you didn't, because the 9th annual Podcasties decided to present "Best Formerly International Podcast" on the corner of the screen during the red carpet pre-show. Who wants to see dumb awards when there's hilariously expensive commercials or some sweet promotional deals to get to. Or even better, a musical performance from some indie band that doesn't have anything to do with what the awards are about. In memoriam: Televised awards shows being good (Never-Never).

Who do we answer a surprise call from this week? Who is revealed to be an Eric Clapton superfan? So many questions, just one answer! Listen to the podcast!

Follow Tab's latest Skyrim Let's Play over on the Discord.

Episode 54 - An Assault on the Senses

Hey there listener! You know that voice in your head that tell you to shoplift and dropkick toddlers? Well make room for a new one as Tim the Handlebreaker officially joins the podcast! On the Season 3 premiere, we assault your senses with these issues:

-The Living Room-ification of Movie Theaters

-Electronic Arts' Sudden Villainy

-Terrible Final Jeopardy Questions

-Salvation Army Bell Ringers

The comfort of your own home. A nice big recliner, a fat plate of food in front of you, Americop 2: The Revengening on the big screen, and dozens of people you don't know who can't work their phone's brightness setting. ONE OF THESE THINGS DOESN'T BELONG. Over the years big chain movie theaters have figured out that we as a people would rather stay at home where we can control the thermostat and not pay per person to see their new summer blockbusters. So, to get the audience back they've changed their seating, food, and overall experience to be much more like your own living room, but bigger. The only problem is that you still have to deal with morons.

Speaking of morons, some people still had hope that EA wouldn't screw up their new Battlefront game, but guess what? They did! And absolutely nobody saw it coming. It blindsided everyone like an 98 year old lady driving a flatbed through a shopping mall. Was this the straw that broke the camel's back? Why does it take until your space elves grow cancer of the lootbox variety until you realize that this massive company doesn't care about you? They just want those sweet, sweet galactic credits. Doesn't Dark Fader deserve your money? No! But you know who does deserve your money? The far-better-when-mustachioed Alex Trebek.

Look, the man needs all the support he can get. He sits in that dank, dark dungeon he calls an office every day racking his gamma radiation-soaked brain for categories and questions to stump those trivia know-it-alls. He plays it off like the show has "writers" and "judges" but not anymore... it's been just him for a long time. Unfortunately that means not every question can be a winner, and lately it seems he's given up on the Final Jeopardy questions, which is a shame, considering that they should be the ultimate test of useless trivia knowledge. But alas, he is just one man.

Wouldn't it be nice to do your holiday shopping in peace this year? TOO BAD! This time of year, only one thing stands between your ears and those heavily discounted miter saws, and it's the Salvation Army Bell Ringers. Not enough is it for them to ask for a donation, but they must also thrust the cacophony of a hand bell right into your inner ear. Personally, we'd rather hear a nice jazz flute, or a local thrash metal band playing Silent Night as they beg us for money that we would rather spend on stocking stuffers. Guilt us into charity a little more quietly next year, why don't you.

We also listen to a whole trove of voicemails wishing Uncle Buck the best as he walks off into the sunset, and Tab tells tales from the windy city. Which one of us made the top 100 posts on Reddit this week? Honestly, you don't have to listen to this episode to guess, but you should!

Join the HWIDG Discord server.

Episode 53 - Unbuckled (ft. Joel Chaco) - Season Two Finale

Welcome to the Season 2 Finale, and welcome to returning champion Joel Chaco! I was gonna put a long list of silly fake-outs here, like some sort of mid-day soap opera, but instead I'll just play it straight. I'm Uncle Buck, and this is my last episode as a special guest on Here's What I Don't Get. Why? It could be one of the following reasons . . .

- Wake-up Calls / Reality Check

- The Internet of Things

- Stick Figure Family Stickers

It happens to everyone at some point; what you thought was real is proven false, or what you never realized is suddenly, painfully revealed to you. But, instead of calling this an issue, this is what I DO get, because changes happen in life, and the choices we make affect our future. It's always good to understand the truth, so that you can steer your life in a positive direction. So, that happened to me. And, while that day was among the most painful I've ever experienced, in a way I'm glad for it. Sometimes the truth is right there in front of us. but we can't step back far enough to see the big picture. I see, at least a little bit, a bigger picture now, and to do the things that I need to do in my life, I have to make cuts. Sadly, that involves retiring from active HWIDG duty.

Have you ever thought to yourself "Y'know what would make my refrigerator even cooler? Facebook." No? Well, neither has Joel Chaco. It's a common sentiment, but it's nonetheless true that all of the internet connectivity that claims to draw us closer together actually, in a way, isolates us. We've mentioned it on the show before, but it's not uncommon at all to see people living their lives through the filter of a smart phone camera. We spend so much time focusing our attention on devices that we fail to notice the things happening directly in front of us. But, also, with every "smart" gadget you turn on, there's bound to be a microphone and a camera built in. Those cameras and microphones are always watching, and someone is able to access that information. It's almost unfathomable that, even when you do stop paying attention to you phone to spend time with your family, your phone hasn't stopped paying attention to you. Neither has your TV. Or your fridge. And speaking of people gathering info on your family . . .

It's a popular trend, these days, for soccer moms to have, on the back glass of the SUV or minivan, the little stick figure decals of the family. You've seen them, right? But they're damned annoying. In reality, nobody (and especially not Tab) cares about your kids and your dog. No one cares that your son plays hockey, and your daughter does ballet. The only person who even pays attention to your family decals . . . are criminals. Don't see a stick figure of a German shepherd or pit bull on the back of that car? Follow it home and scope it out, because they've signaled that there's no dogs guarding the house. See a figure of a woman and seven cats? Boom. No husband. Easy pickins. It really behooves us to pay attention to what information we cast into the public eye. From car decals to posts on social media, you can turn yourself into a target if you aren't careful.

Again, I, Uncle Buck, really want to take a minute to thank all of you who have been faithful to the show. The past year has been a wild ride for me, and doing this show has allowed me to do a lot of introspection. The support and love I've received from this community has astounded me. It's a strange thing to think that there are upwards of ten thousand people who have tuned in to this little podcast that Joel and I started a year ago. To all of you, thank you. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. Stepping away from the show is not easy, and I'm going to miss talking to you all each week. I can't say it enough: thank you!

And also thanks to Joel Chaco, for starting this show with me and putting up with my narcissism and laziness. You've been a better friend to me than a lot of people ever tried to be. And thank you to Tab. You've welcomed me into your home, you've been a good friend, and you've proven your mettle by stepping up to the plate in this show.

Sage calls in, and we grant a listener's request. Who will be the new special guest of SEASON THREE? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 52 - Handle Breaker (ft. Tim the Handle Breaker)

Episode 52 - Handle Breaker (ft Tim the Handle Breaker)

We're cruising down the road of life, you and us, but when it comes time for us to stop for a break, I hope you don't mind crawling out through the window, because Tim the Handle Breaker is joining us today as we bring in the following issues:

-Hollywood Types Who Think That Their Poop Doesn't Stink

-Dreams

-Not Fixing The Problem

Hollywood. You'll never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy. Behind every good movie or tv show you see, there are a million terrible ones, and even more terrible, depraved individuals who can't admit to their own flaws. There is no one perfect, not even one, but there seems to be a common consensus that failure is something that simply happens, and when you fail, if you just own up to it and accept it, you'll be allowed to move on in the court of public opinion. But not Hollywood types. No, they're a breed that can't seem to admit when they've plopped out a massive stinker. Instead, they'll misdirect, weasel, and lie their way out of culpability . . . Paul Feig. Yeah, that's right, you smug, self-righteous, virtue signaling bastard! I'm talking to you! Your movie (and you know the one I'm talking about) was a complete and utter NIGHTMARE! And speaking of nightmares . . .

Dreams. They're a touch of the mystical in the midst of the mundane. Or, maybe they're just chemicals in your brain. Either way, we all experience them, and we all find ourselves perplexed at the seeming absurdity that they often bring. Dreams can be the window into the subconscious, or they can be the result of too much Mexican food while binge watching Better Call Saul. Many, including Buck, have dabbled in the world of dream interpretation, but even when you analyze a dream, carefully deciphering all of the little hidden symbols and meanings, sometimes they're still just cathartic subconscious static. A jumble of random nonsense; your brain dumping out the leftovers into the neighbor’s flower bed. When they do have a deeper meaning, however, they can be very helpful in diagnosing and resolving personal issues. And speaking of resolving things . . .

No matter who you are, where you're from, or what you do, you're gonna come across a situation in your life that requires rectification. Resolution. Or maybe just hitting with your fist until the static clears. When we come across these opportunities, we have two options: Fix the problem, or don't. Many, I'm sad to say, choose to don't. And when you leave a problem to wait while you cobble together a cheap workaround, they often fester. Buck has had enough! It's time for all of us to recognize that the damned machine right in front of you is broken, and it needs to be fixed RIGHT THIS SECOND, because the temporary fixes just aren't cutting it anymore! It's time to stand up, march right over to the window and scream "HEY, THIS MACHINE IS BUSTED AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GONNA TAKE IT ANYMORE!" Or something like that. Either way, just fix the problem.

Stove whispers a call in, but then strangely calls in again. Also, a few thoughts from last week's host, Monon'c Pat. Whose Patreon surpassed whom this week? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 51 - Outdoor Bureaucracy (ft. Monon'c Pat)

You'd better hope the weather holds up, because we're kicking off this festival, hosted by none other than Monon'c Pat, who was the winner of our Halloween look-alike contest! So, grab a bevvy, wander the vendor tents, or pick a spot on the lawn and watch us as we take the stage with the following issues: -Outdoor Festivals -Bureaucracy -Toy Video Games

Ever wanted to have a cool party or ceremony or other form of social gathering, but were just dead set on doing it outside on a pleasant, sunny day? The bigger the plans, the more time it takes to prepare, so you spend potentially weeks or months with an idyllic vision in your mind's eye of happy people doing happy things in a picture-perfect setting. And then it rains. And you, and your festival/wedding/party are outside in that rain. Good job. Not. Look, I get it. We all want to enjoy the perfect outdoor conditions, and the fresh air, and even though we know that bad weather is a possibility, we seem to have this ability to just throw that concept into the air and say "Fuck it. Rain doesn't happen to MY parade." and away we go. Now all of your time and effort are wasted. And speaking of wasting time and effort . . .

Governments are a reality. They just happen. There are many debates about the necessity of the state, and the ubiquitous social compact, but those are far loftier concepts. What governments mean, inevitably, is that you're going to have to interact with a government bureau to get permission of some kind for some activity that you JUST WANT TO FUCKING DO, LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING, FROM THE PRIVACY AND COMFORT OF YOUR OWN HOME, YOU GOVERNMENT SONS OF BITCHES! But I digress. Forgive me. A government employee who sits at a desk all day, dealing with paperwork and rote rules is going to have all of the enthusiasm of a sack of mud. Effort will slowly go out the window, and so will your patience. Bureaucracy is the result of tedious rules enforced by people who have been sucked dry of life, like in Metroid. And speaking of shoehorned segues into video games . . .

Video games are already an expensive pass-time. You've gotta buy a console or PC, which can range from $300 to $3,000 depending of what it is and how powerful, and THEN you've got the price of the games themselves, which, at this point in time, is roughly $60 USD. And that's for one game. So, you finish that one in a couple of weeks TOPS and now you need more content. It's either back to the store for a whole new game, or hop online to see if there's some DLC for a few bucks. But what happens when, instead of clean digital DLC, you have to get back in your car, go to the store and buy an expensive toy that unlocks DLC? And whereas a DLC may have cost between $5 and $20, depending on how much content there is, that toy is going to run you at least $15, and the DLC is going to be something stupid, like a character skin. So not only are you overpaying for a useless trinket in the game, but now you're stuck with a useless trinket in your home.

Stove attempts a call in, and someone impersonates a personality from another podcast. WHO GOT HIT WITH A $20 MILLION LAWSUIT? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 50 - Religion Of Flies

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Come unto us, all ye who do not get, and we will give unto you the bread of rage.  On this 50th episode, lay your issues at our feet and submit yourselves to our rantings, and we will lead you on the path of grabby sharks as we enlighten you on the following issues:

-Biting Your Tongue
-Sudden Infestations of Flies
-Religion

I dare say that nearly all of the humans born, from the beginning of time, have been born with a tongue.  I'm sure there have been some exceptions due to birth defects, and it's true that some folks lose their tongue to accident or disease during their lifetime, but for the vast majority of us, we have a tongue from the day we're born to the day we die.  For the most part, this is good; tongues have many uses, from eating to speaking to cunnilingus.  The Bible even chimes in on the tongue, saying that a man who can control his tongue can control his entire life.  But, even the most skilled of tongue controllers cannot avoid occasionally biting their tongue, and in that moment of shame and failure, we all fall to the same pit of shame and pestilence.  And speaking of pestilence . . .

Everyone gets a pest in their house occasionally.  Good housekeeping and a healthy dose of vigilance can go a long way towards keeping the unwanted visitors to a minimum.  But what are you to do when you're suddenly inundated with uncountable hordes of insects?  That's the question Buck had last week when his house was suddenly inhabited by hundreds of flies, with no explanation of how they got in or why they came.  With a can of spray in one hand and a fly-swatter in the other, and terror threatening to grip his life and home, Buck fought valiantly against the buzzing interlopers, only to discover that the army of irritants was merely the scout party of a full-fledged invasion force waiting on his front porch.  It was only after a miracle from the Almighty that the unclean ones left the Buck house.  And speaking of the Almighty . . .
There are lots of questions that are difficult to answer, but demand that we search.  Where the universe came from.  Was it always there?  What is the meaning of existence?  Each of us, in some way or another, chooses a system of belief that attempts to address these questions.  Some of us find a form of faith by which we derive meaning and guidance to govern our lives.  But when your belief gives way to a rote set of rules, what you have is a religion.  Religion is kinda like faith, but without life, without love, and without power.  Religion is the empty shell of dead faith.  Both Tab and Buck give their thoughts on both the merits and value of legitimate faith, and the destruction caused by wanton religion.

Stove transforms, and Sage flips his lid.  What did Tab set on fire in his appartment?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Joim the HWIDG Discord!

Episode 49 - Filtered Olympics

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Get ready to be under-represented in the Olympics of virtue signaling!  You may experience some filtered pain as we vault into the following issues:

-"I Have No Filter"
-Representation Olympics
-"Men Experience Labor Pain" Videos
-Poor Quality Audio Books

People are lazy.  Every one of us is lazy at some thing duing some point of our lives.  For some folks, it comes in the form of not putting any effort into self-control.  When someone says "I have no filter", what they're really saying is "I don't care enough about myself to maintain any semblance of manners."  Maybe it's self-esteem instead of laziness, but the two are pretty closely linked, anyway.  So, instead of having a modicum of self-respect, the unfiltered among us instead engage in justifying a lack of discretion through mental gymnastics.  And speaking of mental gymnastics . . .

Race is a hot button issue these days, and we're no strangers to the topic on this show.  One of the big buzz words in use today is "representation".  It's the idea that unless every possible corner of human diversity is crammed into something, it's invalid.  Not enough Inuits in your movie about the Bible?  Straight to hell it, then!  But what is really being pushed?  If you look at how laws and economy work, racial equality is on the steady uptick.  The progressive changes that needed to be made have, in fact, been made, so what is the end goal of further flogging the race horse?  Buck predicts a future without racial pain.  And speaking of pain . . .

It's simply a fact of biology that, in most mammals, females give birth to young.  It's how nature has determined that procreation will work, and we may not relish the idea of biological sex roles, but there's currently little we can do to change it.  Simply put, men can't have babies.  It's up to women, and we appreciate that burden of love and labor that mothers must bear to carry on the species.  But, for some women, thanks isn't enough.  Shame must be brought to bear on men for not being physically capable of experiencing labor.  Enter videos of men experiencing simulated labor pain.  I get it; it can give perspective, and it was a neat thought experiment twenty years (or however long it was) ago when it was done for the first time.  But now it's just a trend to somehow show men how durable women are.  Ladies, as a man, let me tell you: we know.  We know you're tough.  We know labor and childbirth are painful.  We get it.  Thank you for giving birth.  Now shut up.  If we wanted to hear it, we'd read about it in a book.  And speaking of reading books . . .

Audio books aren't the newest thing, but they're certainly still somewhat new.  Buck remembers back when they were referred to as "books on tape", and actually came on cassette tapes.  But in an age of rich dramatic interpretation of all forms of media, a lacklustre audio book can leave a bad taste in one's mouth.  This is what happened to Tab, when a recent listen raised the bar for all other audio books, and now there are too many found lacking.

Stove calls in, Sage responds to Sagecucks, and Buck tells a story about impersonating his dad.  Who won the HWIDG look-alike contest?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out! 

Episode 48 - Diversified Flow

Sick of the same old 'round and round'?  Ready for things to go down - straight down?  Well then you'd better join us or get off the pot as we pinch off the following issues:

-Diversified Construction
-Low Flow Toilets
-Fake Fall
-People Nosing Into Your Business

It can be argued that progress is a good thing.  Advances in tech and technique have increased supply, convenience, and longevity, but at what cost?  What is the price of progress?  Leonard H. Courtney (and Admiral Geoffrey Tolwyn) has said that the price of freedom is eternal vigilance, but what is the price of progress?  The price of progress is eternal construction.  From roads to buildings to machines, every update and upgrade must be built, and it's always inconvenient when you're already running a little late and you spot a line of traffic originating at a guy in an orange vest holding a stop sign.  But to further complicate matters, deep pockets tend to have a side-compartment specially designed for holding hubris, and instead of focusing on one project at a time, many projects are going simultaneously.  Now, take something large, like a city, county, or state government, which has a difficult time focusing on any one thing at a time and finishing it competently, and divide that attention up among several different projects, the labor of which has been hired out to a multitude of different private contractors.  Now throw in budgets and weather.  The result?  Bedlam.  Chaos.  A type-and-shadow of the post apocalyptic wasteland that threatens us all with every passing day.  The days grow dark, the water runs red with North Carolina red clay which has leached into the rusted pipes, the food trucks are late to the stores, creating a shortage, and traffic flow comes to a halt!  And speaking of flow coming to a halt . . .

Another type of progress is renovation.  Such as home renovation.  Like, say, a little touch-up in the bathroom.  Happened to Buck recently.  Part of bathroom renovations can be a new toilet.  We're definitely fans of That Larry Show, where the biggest motto is "Take No Shit", but there's a type of toilet on the market that takes that phrase too literally: Low Flow Toilets.  And while taking no proverbial shit is fine, taking no literal shit is a horrible design flaw in a toilet.  The premise of flushing a toilet is that water enters the bowl and creates kindof a swirling motions, and all turd-shaped objects in the bowl begin to swirl, and in the process, one end of the proceedings follows the swirling flow downwards into the exit hole and, as the ancient Middle Eastern saying goes "Once the head of the camel has entered the tent, the rest will follow".  But what happens when there's not enough water to create that whirlpool?  What happens when the water is just sucked downwards directly with no swirl?  Your excrement just falls straight down and lays across the hole, like a disgusting bridge from one side of a porcelain canyon to the other.  It doesn't plunge into the depths of whatever sewage management system you have, it just falls.  And speaking of just fall . . .

It's a common trope in North Carolina, and this week Buck learns that it also happens in Oklahoma: fake Fall.  There's a certain time of year in which we expect the summer heat to gently give way to cooler days, changing leaves, crisp air, and the smell of wood fire smoke drifting across the increasingly early sunset.  But that's not always how it happens.  Sometimes, summer feigns surrender, but comes back with a vengeance.  Sometimes you don't get Fall at all.  Sometimes you just get Summer, double Summer, and then Winter.  So if you're someone like Tab who really relishes the Fall season, that sucks.  In the past few years, there have been people who have blamed this phenomenon on the boogey man buzzword "Climate Change", but is it really?  Do you really need to be preached to by someone who wants to use double Summer as an excuse to increase your taxes, or force you to install an "environmentally friendly" low flow toilet?  These people don't pine for a cleaner environment; they just want to use any excuse to pass legislation to control you.  They want your money, they want your adulation, and they want to use government regulation to cripple your small business.  And speaking of your business . . .

They say opinions are like assholes; everybody has one.  I think that noses are more relevant.  Everyone has a nose, and everyone seems to be intent on sticking that nose into your business.  Noses are like probes.  Probes designed to violate your privacy and sniff out your secrets.  The point of a secret is that nobody knows it, so this creates an immediate conflict.  There are several reasons why people butt into your business.  Sometimes, they actually care about you and have a legitimate concern, but that's RARELY the real reason.  More often than not, it's either some form of virtue signalling, or failing that, it's curiosity stemming from boredom in their own life and the need to seek out new drama in new situations, so boldly nose where no one has nosed before.  They're like a science vessel of gossip, on a five year mission to explore the final frontier of your goings on.  A voyager, if you will, into your endeavors and enterprises.  They're defiantly poking into your deep space to make a discovery.  And that's the trouble with people nosing into your business.

Stove sends in a fantastic voicemail, and we dub the pseudo-sage with his official new name; Sagecucks.  Who got profiled in a retail store?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

And join us in the Discord

Episode 47 - Emotional Jerks

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Do you feel good about what you've done this week?  Have you even considered how we feel?  If you really loved us, you'd listen to how we feel about the following issues:

- Being the Jerk
- Emotional Blackmail
- Basic Chick Food
- Smoking

One of the trickiest skills to build in life is the ability to be self aware.  Everyone recognizes that it's a good trait to have, and everyone tries to be, but in the end, all of us slip up and let ourselves run wild, and afterwards, when you realize what you've done, you feel like a fool.  In that instance, you were the jerk.  It takes years of analyzing one's own motives to truly be self aware, but even the most introspective person in the world is going to blunder at some point and put themselves before others.  And speaking of putting yourself before others . . .

It happens in relationships and jobs, in all walks of life.  What you're doing isn't meeting up to someone else's expectations, and instead of just coming out and either discussing it like adults, or just accepting the situation, they'll throw you a curveball.  They'll play on your sympathies, tug at your heart strings, or any other shameless tactic to twist the knife until you comply.  Tab talks about being emotionally blackmailed on the job, but Buck brings a much darker story about a chick from his past.  And speaking of chicks . . .

Buck continues his series on Basic Chicks with Basic Chick Food.  Food, like clothing and music, follows trends.  Don't believe me?  Just look at every fad diet out there and then report back to me.  But Buck seems to zero in on Italian food, which, in his experience, is the ultimate basic chick culinary genre.  In his mind, Italy seems to be the place that chicks associate with romance (even more than France).  Throw some form of dry chicken on a plate, slap some pasta noodles on it and drench it with either tomato goop or some sort of dairy slime and basic chicks will flock to it like bees to honey.  To be fair, there is basic bro food, too, and Buck is a sucker for most of it.  Wanna lure in Buck?  Just throw together some form of potatoes and cheese, and some form of meat that's fresh from the grill and smoking.  And speaking of smoking . . .

If U.S. History books are to be believed, the west first encountered the practice of smoking tobacco when they encountered the natives in the new world.  How those natives came up with the idea of drying leaves, putting it into a hollow wooden tube and inhaling the smoke is beyond me, but it caught on and has become a worldwide trend.  However, in the past couple of decades, many first world countries (and particularly the U.S.) have put the squeeze on smokers.  Not only is tobacco smoke harmful to the user, but it's also expensive.  While it seems to have had an effect, there are still new smokers recruited every year, and Tab wants to know why.  Buck suspects that tax revenue from tobacco sales has something to do with it, but reality is never that cut and dry . . .

Monon'c Pat calls in to pepper the show with some Canadian flair, and Stove calls in sober.  What is Tab's hot take on Star Trek Discovery?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Hey, if you're not on the HWIDG Discord, you need to be!  It's an exciting place where listeners like you are participating!  Plus, if you're a Patreon subscriber, you get a special Discord title and access to the Patreon exclusive chats!

Episode 46 - Rumor School

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DING DING DING!  Everyone take your seats, spit out your chewing gum, and stop talking, because class is in session!  We are Tab and Buck, your professors for this semester, so prepare to take notes as we lecture on the following issues:

-Starting the Rumor MIll
-Basic Chick Clothing
-School Zones
-Unearned beards

The Bible says that a man who can tame his tongue can tame his entire body.  Loose lips sink ships.  Telephone, telegraph, tell a woman.  All of the little quips and saying that reference the speed and ease with which we spread gossip.  Worldwide, gossip is a trillion dollar industry.  Nearly everything we consume (other than food) is in some way related to gossip.  Tv, movies, sports, even video games, everything gets caught up in gossip.  And especially jobs.  One would think that when adults go to work to earn money, they'd be primarily focused on performing the task that secures the money, but you'd be wrong.  People get bored.  Jobs are boring.  Money is boring.  But gossip . . . gossip is salacious.  Juicy.  Addictive.  And, if you know how to sell gossip, you can become quite rich.  Hell, our show has had its own fair share of gossip.  Gossip is like a weed; it springs up on its own, unaided, and is extremely difficult to eliminate.  It's like Sisyphus, pushing the gossip boulder back up the hill; it's never ending.  Why, then, do some folks feel the need to nudge that rock back down the hill again?  I dunno, but they do it.  And then, as if they can somehow absolve themselves of the act, will carelessly toss on the disclaimer "Don't gossip about this".  Sure.  That's how that works.  And don't think about elephants while you're at it.  It's the first thing people are gonna do.  Gossip is a cultural uniformity, and speaking of uniformity . . .

The second installment of my "Basic Chick" series is the uniform by which you can identify a basic chick.  It changes, season to season, year to year, but it never fails that pretty much every basic chick you run across is going to have some slight variation on the same style.  In recent years, it's the trend of fur boots, yoga pants, and a thigh-length tunic with a bulky-yet-loose collar that, as many have pointed out, resembles a vagina.  But this isn't the first basic chick uniform; there have been many across the ages, and there will be many to come.  Social media, I suspect, propagates this, along with the fact that fashion designers have to keep dreaming up weird things to out-do each other, so the trends are just going to keep on coming.  And speaking of things that keep on coming . . .

Traffic should keep on coming.  Moving, that is.  Anything that slows down traffic is an impediment to western civilization.  It's a common topic on this show, and this week Tab narrows his focus on School Zones.  School zones were invented by hand-wringers who want the world to notice how much they're concerned about "the children".  Which children?  They rarely name specifics; it's just this amorphous concept of "the children" that people rally around.  We get it.  Kids are fragile and inexperienced.  You don't have to shove it down our throats.  School zones are silly because kids tend to be delivered to school by a bus or a parent.  They don't meander aimlessly on public roads like a pack of feral ghouls just waiting to be mowed down.  Schools tend to have driveways that separate the school building from the main road by a good hundred yards or so, and kids tend to actually be inside buildings or fenced in playgrounds while at school.  Why, then, should traffic be slowed down to a crippling crawl because children exist, safe warm and protected, a few hundred yards away?  It's silly and uncalled for, and speaking of things that are uncalled for . . .

Every man has his insecurities.  Every man tries to measure up, to compete for his place in the gene pool, by hook or by crook.  Well, one of the ways that some men try to cheat the system is by growing a beard.  Beards are a biological sign of virility and strength, but as modern life converts men into soft, doughy fractions of what their great grandfathers were, instead of actually being masculine or becoming masculine, many men are simply putting on a costume.  A faux masculinity, if you will.  It's not just beards, though.  It's anything that would look manly in a cartoon.  And when you see a scrawny weakling or a blorpy dough-boy wearing flannel and oiling his beard as it nears his belly, you know that these people are, in fact, cartoon characters.  Silly caricatures of the brawny powerhouses that they emulate.

We remember to listen to some very long voicemails from Angry Stove, and Sage fires back at his doppelgangar, plus Tab announces a new contest!  Is Uncle Buck a white supremacist?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Hey, if you're not on the HWIDG Discord, you need to be!  It's an exciting place where listeners like you are participating!  Plus, if you're a Patreon subscriber, you get a special Discord title and access to the Patreon exclusive chats!

Episode 45 - Automatically Annoying

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It's Tab's twenty-third episode, which means he has officially been a special guest longer than his canadian predecessor!  So, everyone be sure to congratulate him this week as we bring in the following issues:

- Basic Chick Advertising
- Automatic Password Changes
- Annoying Biological Tendencies
- No Refills After You Paid

A first for the show: I'm starting a series.  A series of related issues, to more thoroughly explore a cultural concept.  I'm calling this my "Basic Chick" series.  That's not what I called it in the show, but we're not allowed to use profanity in our episode titles or descriptions, lest iTunes kick us off again.  So, with that in mind, let me tell you about Basic Chick Advertising.  It's advertising that tells you how to feel about yourself.  It doesn't tell you what the product does.  It doesn't tell you how to use the product, or how it stacks up against competing products.  It's just flowery nonsense to sell smelly goops, smelly mists, or smelly chucks.  End of story.  And, what's worse, it works.  Basic chicks eat it up.  You can sell a basic chick anything as long as you put the right name on it.  "Directed Passion Steering Column", "Morning Mist Table Saw", "Implied Romance Toilet Paper".  Any of it works.  It doesn't matter than the product is probably inferior and infuriating.  And thinking of things that are infuriating . . .

Anyone who uses a computer at work, especially on a network, is familiar with this.   Automatic Password Changes.  Mandatory.  Arbitrary.  Time consuming.  Free-will cancelling.  As we discuss in the episode, what's the point of having a password on your computer at work?  If what you're doing is important enough to require protection from other employees, chances are you have your own computer that no one else should be using, and you probably have an office with a door that can be locked.  Problem solved.  No need to pelt me with notifications three weeks in advance to change my password by what is realistically going to be one character.  Who has time to make up new passwords all the time?  Nobody, that's who.  If you have that kind of time, you probably aren't actually doing any sort of work that requires a password to begin with.  And speaking of not having time . . .

Ladies, perhaps you'll excuse me if I speak directly about a male-centric issue.  You see, all of that oggling and "eye raping" that we men are so fond of and feminists gnash their teeth over is, succinctly put, not our fault.  It's biology.  I think most folks would be surprised at just how much of human behavior is driven by pure instinct.  Sure, you may express it in thoughts, and put human language on it, but nine out of ten of your motivations are bred into you, and one of those is scoping babes.  But, what happens when you try to go against your programing?  I'll tell you what: frustration.  As it turns out, the siren of your evolution sings an irresistable song, and so when us fellas are scanning the horizon, like our caveman ancestors did, and our eyes take note of a female human, the fleshy computer in our heads does an instant calculation, often without us noticing, and if enough criteria are met, we are coerced against our wills to investigate further.  The gears are set in motion!  It's not us, it's our biology!  Even when we try to fight it, as I do, sometimes it's a moot point.  Our biology is immutable, irrepressible, insatiable; it can never get enough.  And speaking of not being able to get enough . . .

Society as a whole has a rocky relationship with the food service industry, and for good reason!  Human incompetence is a daily frustration when trying to trade fiat currency with a multi-national corporation for overly processed food product and a 32oz foam cup of liquid sugar.  But we do it, because it's easier than cooking for ourselves, and we're slaves to convenience.  That's why is extra frustrating when you're trying to flag down a server to get your glass refilled and they pretend you don't exist.  Especially after you've given them their fiat compensation.  I suspect the core of the issue is that their incentive to continue serving you is out of the picture.  Tack on the fact that sometimes they want that table you're at freed up for another customer, and you've got an impatient server giving you the stink eye as you glare back at them, slurping your straw at them as loudly as you can and tinkling the ice in the glass like a bell.

Sage calls in?  Or, at least, they claim to be Sage.  Buck dives a little bit deeper into his thoughts on the Bible's relationship to the end of the world.  What kitchen appliance gets a shout-out?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

ALSO!  Follow this link to join our Discord, so you can get in on the action!

Episode 44 - Doomsday Theater

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I hope you're stocked up on ammo and supplies, because we're bugging in and bugging out as we bring in the following issues:

-Fancy People Coming To The Theater
- Unwanted Well-Wishers
- Mic Check
- Doomsday Salesmen

You don't have to be Joe Chill to know that all the world's a stage. Except when it isn't. In those cases, the stage is a very specific place, and usually the best place to find one is in a theater. So what happens, then, when some big shot needs a place to pontificate? Room to boom? Space to show their face? That's right, they find the nearest available theater and welcome themselves in. You see, they'd like to thank all of the little people for making sure they had a place to look important for whatever dumb thing it is they needed so badly to show the world. What's that? You're right in the middle of preparing that stage for something else? Something that's been scheduled for months? Gonna be real inconvenient when they just bust on in and step on your plans? That's okay. They're an important person, and you aren't. After all, if they weren't important, they wouldn't need your stage, now would they? Some people love basking in public adulation. Some others, however, do not . . .

If you're a social butterfly, then you have no problem with people pawing all over you and showering you with affection. But what if you're more private. What if you're one of those people who has a very limited amount of social energy to spend, and people just wandering up to you randomly feels like it sucks the life right out of you? You've got unwanted well-wishers; you know they mean well, and you don't really have anything against them, except that you want them to go away and never come back. People seem to have a hard time grasping the concept of personal space, and respect for someone's time. I don't know about you, but I'm a busy person, and I have very little patience for whatever it is you want to say to me, because it's inevitably not really anything for my benefit. It's for your benefit. You're telling me how you hope I'm feeling better not because you actually hope I'm feeling better, but because you want to feel better about my situation. Well, my situation is I'm right in the middle of doing something that I deem important. Please respect whatever it is I'm doing and don't waste my time. And speaking of people wasting your time . . .

"Testing, one, two. Testing, one, two, three". Over and over. Ad nauseum. Never mind that you're going to be saying something other than that during your performance. In fact, you're not going to utter that phrase AT ANY POINT during your performance. And you're not going to be saying anything in that dull, deadpan tone, either. You're going to be projecting, enunciating, gesturing. If you're Tab Birt, you need to use this time to prepare the mixer for THOSE words, not your bland "testing, one, two, three". Oh, you're singing? Okay, Tab can prepare for that. Sing your song . . . no, that's not your song. That's "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. Catchy? Eh, sure, but it's not the song you're singing tonight, so whatever that song is, sing that one now . . . No, that's not it either, that's "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Classic song, but, again, not the one you're singing tonight. In fact, you know what, let's just go back to counting. 3, 2, 1 . . .

Doomsday. Ragnarok. Armageddon. Apocalypse. All ways to say one thing: The end of the world. Except it isn't. Not today, anyway. And not tomorrow. Or the next day. Or next week, next month, next year. Let me clue you in, jerk: YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN THE WORLD WILL END, or even IF it will end. But, hey, what are little things like facts or certainty when you can use fear to sell pallets of bottled water, buckets of rice, and underground bunkers? After all, the power grid that sustains an entire nation is just the flick of a switch from being turned off, right? Nevermind the massive motivation it would require to make that happen. The unrealistic set of circumstances. These guns and ammo aren't going to buy themselves, so you'd better slap together some shady Biblical math, commandere a stage, and burn through the mic check because, according to you, some crackpot idiot who's just as clueless and dumb as anyone else, THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! . . . at some point.

Sage calls in three voicemails, and Buck gets clumsy with the voicemail app. Why was everyone buying Tab drinks last Friday? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Hey, follow this link and join us on our Discord!

Episode 43 - Umbrella Ambush

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It's raining, it's pouring, and nobody here is snoring!  In the wake of Uncle Buck's hernia surgery, you'd best double up on pain meds and put on your poncho in preparation for the deluge of issues as we bring in the following:

-Ambush Journalism
-Umbrellas
-Suicide by Cop
-Tech Week

Everyone loves to be the hero.  Everyone loves to get in on the action, to participate, to make their contribution.  That's fine.  I get that.  But, not everyone can pull it off in a timely manner, so that it doesn't come off as hackneyed tagging along.  That's precisely what happened when Laura Loomer decided to ambush Hilary Clinton during her book signing tour.  Now, far be it from me to take pity on Hilary Clinton, but if someone is going to go to the effort of taking her down a peg or two, I'd prefer you at least ACTUALLY take her down a peg or two instead of just rapid-fire shouting the equivalent of two year old political memes in the middle of a mall as you're dragged away by security in a straight jacket.  Everyone knows that the emails, Seth Rich, and Benghazi are issues that need to be addressed, but showeing Hilary with spittle isn't going to do it.  It's just going to make everyone wish they'd brought their umbrellas. . .

What exactly is an umbrella for?  You unfurl it, hold it over your head, and it does what?  You may be tempted to say "it shields you from rain", but according to Tab, you'd be wrong.  Umbrellas are the 'too little, too late' of the preparedness world.  They only protect a small portion of your person, and only if you hold it at exactly the right angle, if you even happen to have the thing physically with you when you need it.  But, unless you last name is "of the west", is a little rain really going to hurt you that much?  I mean, your body is already some very high percentage of water; why would a little more touching the outside of you be a problem?  Health advocates are always preaching about hydration, so maybe we're looking at this rain issue the wrong way.  Maybe what we need are inverted umbrellas that capture water, filter it, and pump it directly into your veins via an IV.  And then, once you're good and hydrated, you can just go inside, which is where you are for 90% of your life anyway, and not worry so much about how much liquid you're coming in contact with.    Maybe society would benefit from people just having a little more common sense about the scope and scale of the things that we allow to bug us.  Maybe a little common sense would go a long way.  And speaking of common sense . . .

Time for a thought experiment.  You're a college student.  You're standing or walking in a parking lot, carrying a tool that, in your mind, isn't really suited as a weapon.  Suddenly, police officers converge on you, and instruct you to put down the tool.  They have handguns drawn and aimed at you.  What do you do?  Well, if you're smart, you put down the tool and attempt to find out what's going on.  Now, why would you do the opposite and NOT put down the tool?  That's what I'd like to know.  Because this, or something resembling this, took place and the kid decided not only to not put down the "knife", but started advancing towards the police, instructing them to "shoot me".  In waht world does that set of actions make any sense?  But, on the flip side of that coin, in what world does a kid with a multi-tool warrant a bullet to the chest?  As we discuss in the episode, I get that an officer has no way of knowing a person's intentions, and little means of knowing whether or not that person has another, more deadly weapon concealed, but it seems like a stretch to think that a confused student slowly shambling towards you necessitates the use of lethal force.  I'm sure we'll hear from every armchair law enforcement specialist out there on this one.

Tab's been a busy guy this week.  Why?  It's Tech week.  What's Tech week?  It's the week when the tech guys at the theater essentially forego sleep in favor of nailing down all of the last minute bugs.  And, this week in particular, is when Tab has precisely zero free time, yet still made the time to record an episode with us, so instead of a long write-up about tech week, how about you listen to what he has to say about it, and throw him a 'thanks', or at least some sympathy.

We get some great call-ins about a handful of topics, spanning a number of prior episodes.  Who paid an absolutely absurd amount of money to drive on a shoddy road?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!