Episode 44 - Doomsday Theater

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I hope you're stocked up on ammo and supplies, because we're bugging in and bugging out as we bring in the following issues:

-Fancy People Coming To The Theater
- Unwanted Well-Wishers
- Mic Check
- Doomsday Salesmen

You don't have to be Joe Chill to know that all the world's a stage. Except when it isn't. In those cases, the stage is a very specific place, and usually the best place to find one is in a theater. So what happens, then, when some big shot needs a place to pontificate? Room to boom? Space to show their face? That's right, they find the nearest available theater and welcome themselves in. You see, they'd like to thank all of the little people for making sure they had a place to look important for whatever dumb thing it is they needed so badly to show the world. What's that? You're right in the middle of preparing that stage for something else? Something that's been scheduled for months? Gonna be real inconvenient when they just bust on in and step on your plans? That's okay. They're an important person, and you aren't. After all, if they weren't important, they wouldn't need your stage, now would they? Some people love basking in public adulation. Some others, however, do not . . .

If you're a social butterfly, then you have no problem with people pawing all over you and showering you with affection. But what if you're more private. What if you're one of those people who has a very limited amount of social energy to spend, and people just wandering up to you randomly feels like it sucks the life right out of you? You've got unwanted well-wishers; you know they mean well, and you don't really have anything against them, except that you want them to go away and never come back. People seem to have a hard time grasping the concept of personal space, and respect for someone's time. I don't know about you, but I'm a busy person, and I have very little patience for whatever it is you want to say to me, because it's inevitably not really anything for my benefit. It's for your benefit. You're telling me how you hope I'm feeling better not because you actually hope I'm feeling better, but because you want to feel better about my situation. Well, my situation is I'm right in the middle of doing something that I deem important. Please respect whatever it is I'm doing and don't waste my time. And speaking of people wasting your time . . .

"Testing, one, two. Testing, one, two, three". Over and over. Ad nauseum. Never mind that you're going to be saying something other than that during your performance. In fact, you're not going to utter that phrase AT ANY POINT during your performance. And you're not going to be saying anything in that dull, deadpan tone, either. You're going to be projecting, enunciating, gesturing. If you're Tab Birt, you need to use this time to prepare the mixer for THOSE words, not your bland "testing, one, two, three". Oh, you're singing? Okay, Tab can prepare for that. Sing your song . . . no, that's not your song. That's "Call Me Maybe" by Carly Rae Jepsen. Catchy? Eh, sure, but it's not the song you're singing tonight, so whatever that song is, sing that one now . . . No, that's not it either, that's "Bohemian Rhapsody" by Queen. Classic song, but, again, not the one you're singing tonight. In fact, you know what, let's just go back to counting. 3, 2, 1 . . .

Doomsday. Ragnarok. Armageddon. Apocalypse. All ways to say one thing: The end of the world. Except it isn't. Not today, anyway. And not tomorrow. Or the next day. Or next week, next month, next year. Let me clue you in, jerk: YOU DON'T KNOW WHEN THE WORLD WILL END, or even IF it will end. But, hey, what are little things like facts or certainty when you can use fear to sell pallets of bottled water, buckets of rice, and underground bunkers? After all, the power grid that sustains an entire nation is just the flick of a switch from being turned off, right? Nevermind the massive motivation it would require to make that happen. The unrealistic set of circumstances. These guns and ammo aren't going to buy themselves, so you'd better slap together some shady Biblical math, commandere a stage, and burn through the mic check because, according to you, some crackpot idiot who's just as clueless and dumb as anyone else, THE WORLD IS GOING TO END! . . . at some point.

Sage calls in three voicemails, and Buck gets clumsy with the voicemail app. Why was everyone buying Tab drinks last Friday? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Hey, follow this link and join us on our Discord!

Episode 43 - Umbrella Ambush

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It's raining, it's pouring, and nobody here is snoring!  In the wake of Uncle Buck's hernia surgery, you'd best double up on pain meds and put on your poncho in preparation for the deluge of issues as we bring in the following:

-Ambush Journalism
-Umbrellas
-Suicide by Cop
-Tech Week

Everyone loves to be the hero.  Everyone loves to get in on the action, to participate, to make their contribution.  That's fine.  I get that.  But, not everyone can pull it off in a timely manner, so that it doesn't come off as hackneyed tagging along.  That's precisely what happened when Laura Loomer decided to ambush Hilary Clinton during her book signing tour.  Now, far be it from me to take pity on Hilary Clinton, but if someone is going to go to the effort of taking her down a peg or two, I'd prefer you at least ACTUALLY take her down a peg or two instead of just rapid-fire shouting the equivalent of two year old political memes in the middle of a mall as you're dragged away by security in a straight jacket.  Everyone knows that the emails, Seth Rich, and Benghazi are issues that need to be addressed, but showeing Hilary with spittle isn't going to do it.  It's just going to make everyone wish they'd brought their umbrellas. . .

What exactly is an umbrella for?  You unfurl it, hold it over your head, and it does what?  You may be tempted to say "it shields you from rain", but according to Tab, you'd be wrong.  Umbrellas are the 'too little, too late' of the preparedness world.  They only protect a small portion of your person, and only if you hold it at exactly the right angle, if you even happen to have the thing physically with you when you need it.  But, unless you last name is "of the west", is a little rain really going to hurt you that much?  I mean, your body is already some very high percentage of water; why would a little more touching the outside of you be a problem?  Health advocates are always preaching about hydration, so maybe we're looking at this rain issue the wrong way.  Maybe what we need are inverted umbrellas that capture water, filter it, and pump it directly into your veins via an IV.  And then, once you're good and hydrated, you can just go inside, which is where you are for 90% of your life anyway, and not worry so much about how much liquid you're coming in contact with.    Maybe society would benefit from people just having a little more common sense about the scope and scale of the things that we allow to bug us.  Maybe a little common sense would go a long way.  And speaking of common sense . . .

Time for a thought experiment.  You're a college student.  You're standing or walking in a parking lot, carrying a tool that, in your mind, isn't really suited as a weapon.  Suddenly, police officers converge on you, and instruct you to put down the tool.  They have handguns drawn and aimed at you.  What do you do?  Well, if you're smart, you put down the tool and attempt to find out what's going on.  Now, why would you do the opposite and NOT put down the tool?  That's what I'd like to know.  Because this, or something resembling this, took place and the kid decided not only to not put down the "knife", but started advancing towards the police, instructing them to "shoot me".  In waht world does that set of actions make any sense?  But, on the flip side of that coin, in what world does a kid with a multi-tool warrant a bullet to the chest?  As we discuss in the episode, I get that an officer has no way of knowing a person's intentions, and little means of knowing whether or not that person has another, more deadly weapon concealed, but it seems like a stretch to think that a confused student slowly shambling towards you necessitates the use of lethal force.  I'm sure we'll hear from every armchair law enforcement specialist out there on this one.

Tab's been a busy guy this week.  Why?  It's Tech week.  What's Tech week?  It's the week when the tech guys at the theater essentially forego sleep in favor of nailing down all of the last minute bugs.  And, this week in particular, is when Tab has precisely zero free time, yet still made the time to record an episode with us, so instead of a long write-up about tech week, how about you listen to what he has to say about it, and throw him a 'thanks', or at least some sympathy.

We get some great call-ins about a handful of topics, spanning a number of prior episodes.  Who paid an absolutely absurd amount of money to drive on a shoddy road?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 42 - False Alarm, Broken Alarm

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Lock up your bikes and put on your scrubs, because we're nothing this week if not alarmists as we bring in the following issues!

-Craigslist
-Getting Medically Jerked Around
-Turnpikes
-Cultural spoilers

It's been mentioned more than once; "the wierd part of YouTube", but did you know that within the vast reaches of the internet there are even seedier places?  Ancient places, where false promises are traded like folk tales on the wind, which smells of unbathed men in trench coats and cat urine.  One such place, where e-roughians, iScoundrels and other ne-er-do-wells congregate is Craigslist.  Craigslist is where you go to investigate the possibility of hooking up with a stranger, only to end up with all of the diseases and none of the pleasure.  Craigslist is where you attempt to buy or sell an item and somehow wind up in possession of a dead body.  Craigslist is, simply put, a place where no one can be trusted, everything is a trap, and the only thing you're going to get reliably is jerked around.  And speaking of getting jerked around . . .

I've talked about medical stuff quite a bit, here of late, but I suppose it's fair to draw from the wellspring of my personal life, even if it is a bit monotone sometimes.  But, the medical profession has a way of keeping your life spicy.  And by "spicy", I mean infuriating and chaotic, because it's impossible to go to a doctor with a simple request.  Getting what you need from any medical professional is kind of like finding the plot to an episode of The Simpsons; you start out in one spot, and by the second commercial break, you've spun out of control into a cyclone of nonsequitirs and nonsense that, to some, may seem whimsical, but when you're the one bouncing from appointment to appointment, it looses its lustre really quickly.  I'd almost be willing to pay more (that is, let my insurance pay more) if it would allow me to circumvent the ping pong of referrals.  Kindof like an interstate bypass around a congested city, but with a toll.  Yeah, that'd make sense, but roads with tolls, on the other hand . . .

If there's one thing that outsiders can't stand, but insiders love, it's a good ol' fashioned Old Boys Club.  You know, the kind where you scratch my back, and I scratch yours.  The kind where I'm a government official, and if you'll give me kickbacks, I'll let you run your little project with ethics as questionable as your evil little heart desires.  Welcome to Tab's favorite Oklahoma turnpike.  But, really, I can't say I'm surprised.  We can't just have something like a road get built on time and on budget.  That's not how the world works.  Instead, you start a company to build a road and you milk the voters who gave it the greenlight.  Then you milk their kids.  Then their grandkids.  Then their great grandkids.  You milk everyone until the end of time, or until your scheme is put to an end.  But that kind of thing takes time.  It takes generations, sometimes, for the opinion of the populace to turn against you.  Culture is a thing that can sometimes change swiftly and sometimes slowly.  Ideas, called "memes", can permeate culture virally now, so that any idea or fact can be promulgated unavoidably.  And speaking of unavoidable facts . . .

It's not often that you get to experience something old through fresh eyes.  Take me, for example.  I've been watching Star Wars since I was a kid.  My brother and cousin were fanatics, and I was bombarded with every available Star Wars fact all day, every day.  And that was in the 80's.  Now imagine trying to experience that First Time feeling of A New Hope forty years after it was released.  Enter my gorgeous wife, Aunt Buck, who had never actually gotten around to watching the original trilogy.  Suddenly, through her, I had the opportunity to share in her first time experience.  But, sadly, some facts are SO memetic and ubiquitous that even she had not avoided them.  "No . . . I am your father."  And so, before we were out of the first act, what is arguably THE biggest spoiler in Star Wars was already tainting the experience of a movie that it didn't even touch.   Many YouTubers and podcasters will give a half-hearted spoiler warning for an old movie; "Hey, if you haven't seen this movie . . it's been out for forty years, so you have no excuse".  Except when you do.  For instance, I have never watched the movie Soylent Green, but I already know about Moses staggering out of the Ark screaming "SOYLENT GREEN IS A GMO!"

Lots of great voicemails this week, from such fan favorites as Andy and Sage, but some other familiar voices, too.  Whose car is going on a journey to the center of the earth?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 41 - The Gospel of Hate

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Greetings, worshipers!  It's church time here on HWIDG, unless you happen to exist outside of our pre-determined standards of acceptability.  So, grab your hymnals and turn to page 666 because today we going to read from the following passages:

-False Surprise Surgery
-Gambling
-Pimple popping videos
-The Gospel of Hate

Here's something that really bugs me about surgery - the wait.  All of the prep work and the scheduling and the anxiety.  It's just horrible.  But, having one sprung on you with no warning can be horrifying.  Now take the worst of both worlds and mash them together: your find out you're going to have to have emergency surgery, but as soon as you get yourself in the proper mindset, you're told you have to wait.  Now imagine that, during that period of scrambling to prepare your life for an unexpected six weeks of recovery time, you cancel some important appointments.  Then, when you find out that you didn't have to, you can't undo the cancellation.  Now imagine that the thing you've cancelled is something that you've been needing to do for, oh, say, twenty-eight years, and this is the first window of opportunity you've had.  And, you may not get another window.  Yeah.  Welcome to my weekend.  Welcome to my life.   If I had known that I was going to be jerked around, I'd have never cancelled that appointment.  But, that's how life is.  Everything is a risk.  And speaking of risk . . .

I, very sarcastically, can think of no better way to spend my hard-earned money than to withdraw cash from the bank, walk straight across the parking lot to an open sewer, and just chucking those crisp greenbacks right into the muck.  That's essentially what gambling boils down to, except you have a very slim chance that instead of washing your Benjamins away, the sewer will throw them, plus a few more, right back at you.  So, every time you feel like being "bold" (see also: stupid) you march your happy tail over to that sewer and just start chunking it down.  Nevermind that there are safer ways to invest your money, with lower risk and a pretty good chance of a payout (if you know where to invest).  Nevermind that you could have just saved up that money instead of wasting it.  Nevermind that your landlord isn't going to take too kindly to your excuses when you can't pay your rent.  I've heard that taking risk is simply an urge for some people.  Like a pressure beneath the skin that just builds and builds until, one day, you have to pop that bubble.  And what you get for your trouble is a bunch of mess.  Speaking of popping bubbles full of mess . . .

A few years ago, there was a meme floating around about finding your way onto "the wierd part of YouTube".  And that was an accurate description.  If you press the 'flush' handle on YouTube and just allow the stream of suggestions to wash you away, you'll eventually go down the drain into the YouTube sewer where you'll find, scattered amongst the floating currency, videos of people popping pimples.  Why?  Why is this a thing?  Why is it popular?  And why can Uncle Buck not look away?  It's vile, disgusting, and putrid.  And speaking of things that are vile, disgusting, and putrid . . .

Long time listeners of the show are aware of Uncle Buck's Christian faith, and are also aware of Tab's benign atheism.  It's a soft difference of opinion that, between us, is handled with grace and respect.  But Tab was on a research junket to his favorite house of worship when he learned of something that is the opposite of Grace.  It's called The Council of Biblical Manhood and Womanhood, and, as Tab retells it, it basically boils down to "If you're sinful, you aren't welcome in church".  We go into this at length in the episode, but we both have similar (yet slightly different) takes on the fallacy.  Tab (rightly) believes that such an edict is the epitome of religious elitism, and fundamentally contradicts the core values of Christian faith, one of which is "love thy neighbor as thyself".  Buck (also rightly) believes that the edict contradicts the Great Commission, which is to spread the Gospel, because it tells sinners (the very people who would NEED Jesus) that they aren't welcome in the Cool Kids Jesus Club.  We can't use any swear words in our titles or descriptions (because iTunes will remove us if we do.  Been there, done that) but there are no non-rude words to describe the people who profess such a wantonly destructive message.  Tab and Buck agree in calling it "The Gospel of Hate".

We get caught up on some voicemails and Tab gets disappointed by a new toy.  What was it?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Don't forget to join the Call-In Episode on Monday September 11th at 9pm eastern and tell us your issue, it's all happening on the HWIDG Discord.

Episode 40 - Vertical Birthday

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Lordy, Lordy, Look who's forty! Welcome to episode 40, everyone! Y'know, they say life begins at forty, and I'm hoping that, for once, it's not just a dumb platitude that doesn't ring true in the slightest in real life. So, let's all celebrate the beginning of the life of HWIDG by bringing in the following issues:

-Vertical Filming
-Not Doing Your Research
-Found Footage
-Waiters Singing Happy Birthday

It's not the newest sentiment, but it's still utterly relevant: complaining about people who film vertically. The problem with vertical videos is that you have to watch them on a vertical screen, and while that may work out on your smartphone, and there are a few monitor setups out there that are rotatable, it's still just a huge hassle to deal with, and it's super frustrating when, in an age of readily available 4k resolution and 8K being emergent, we're still reduced to squinting at a tiny vertical rectangle on a phone screen because someone uploaded a vertical video to Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, whatever. I mean, seriously, we know that the standard formats are 1280x720, 1920x1080, 3840x2160, and 4096x2160. I defy you to show me one theatrical or home video release that was taken seriously that was in a format of 720x1280. It just. doesn't. happen. Seriously, anyone who knows the slightest bit about screen resolution knows this. But, not everyone does their research . . .

Sometimes in life, we find ourselves in the middle of a conversation, possibly even on a roll, so to speak, and we recall just a hint of the possibility of something that may be partially factual, and we'll grab at that like the last turkey leg at the Ren Fair and declare it as absolute fact in the heat of the moment. Last week, Buck did that. So, this week, his issue is more of a retraction, but even though the conversation turns to how to weaponize less than factual facts, the core of shame and regret remains. Buck doesn't want, someday down the road, for someone to stumble across an out-of-context clip of him spouting nonsense, and then that find its way into a found footage documentary . . .

What would that documentary look like? I'm sure it would be clips from this show, spliced in between shots of a bunch of teenage paleontologists digging up his long-since buried homestead, rummaging through his studio and finding his weathered and worn MAGA hat and shades. And, once found, they would be donned by one of the hapless protagonists, only to imbue them with Buck's super power. The super power of yelling at people. And the rest of the movie would be about the wielder of that power having to come to terms with the terrible responsibility of being able to shame others publicly. Speaking of being shamed publicly . . .

All of us experience birthdays. Many of us like to celebrate. Some of us like to celebrate by going out to eat. Nobody wants to be harassed by a gang of tone deaf waiters and cooks singing some variant of the happy birthday song at the top of their lungs. And yet, that's what happens. It's like the Julian Assange of birthdays leaks the cables about your special day, and the behind-the-scenes investigation begins, culminating in you being surrounded by a gaggle of clapping morons, and everyone else in the restaurant is glaring at you thinking "You just HAD to tell them it was your birthday, didn't you? You sad, attention-starved little jerk." And then you're left with that smoldering coal of shame, knowing that, at this point, there's nothing you can do to redeem yourself in the eyes of everyone around you. You just blow out your candle, crawl under the table, and make a mental note not to go out to eat next year. Of course, by the following year, you'll either have forgotten, or you'll trick yourself into believing "maybe it won't happen this year." You know better.

Sage calls in to give his opinion on last week's dress code debate, and we have a comment from Angry Stove. Who did they side with? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Join the Discord and get ready for our Call-In Episode just remember to Never Forget at 9pm eastern on Monday September 11th

Episode 39 - March For Novelty

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Good morning, listeners!  Rise and shine!  Because we did; apparently for no good reason.  So coffee up (with regular, non-aged coffee) because we're about to embark on one of our most rage-filled episodes to date as we bring in the following issues:

-Novelty Items
-Video Game Ratings
-Dress Code Complainers
-Marches and/or Protests

If there's one thing that I've grown sick of in my life, it's clutter.  It doesn't help that I'm a naturally lazy person, so I leave things like soda cans laying around, which pile up and start to bug me until I eventually wait until everyone is out of the house and have a furious meltdown of shame and anxiety as I storm around the house like the Tasmanian Devil, frantically picking up detritus and chastising myself with chains.  But that's not the only source of clutter.  You can also simply collect too much useless crap in the form of trinkets, souvenirs, and "collectibles".  From tourist gift shops to video game swag, these things just seem to pile up, and eventually over run your home, until you just live in a shrine to pointless things that you've wasted time on in your life.  I mean, everyone except me seems to think that a decorative sword on the wall is cool, or that a dragon statuette is to die for, but after the novelty wears off, what is it good for?  How does it enrich your life?  Or does it just get in the way, take up space, and distract you from life at hand?  Oh, and the one-time-use things like eclipse sunglasses.  But, while Buck has a problem with video game swag, Tab has another issue with something related to video games . . .

When I was a kid, we didn't have many ads for video games.  Maybe the occasional Saturday morning or weekday afternoon commercial in the war between Nintendo and Sega, but by and large, if you wanted to know what video games were out there, you had to beg your mom to take you to the store and just browse.  You'd check out box art, maybe ask the clerk, or some other kid at the store, but eventually you wanted the real scoop on whether or not a game was any good.  Enter the internet.  Now, you have a sea of websites, blogs, podcasts, and youtubers vying for your attention, trying to make a living telling you what games you should play.  The problem?  They lie.  As it turns out, there's a problem in the industry with getting your hands on an advanced copy of a game for the purposes of reviewing it.  Why?  Well, as it turns out, lots of video games just plain suck, but if you come out and say that, the company that published it might not send you a copy of the next one to take a dump on.  And that's a problem.  One would think that there'd be a system of honor (a code, if you will) by which companies would conduct themselves, allowing honest, potentially negative reviews to fairly assess their products.  You'd be wrong in thinking that.  But while that code doesn't seem to exist, there's another that does . . .

Fair warning, this is probably the most contentious issue that's been brought in.  I'd wager the rage levels ping even higher than the air compressor debacle (and I, unfortunately, suspect that the fallout will take just as long).  I'm talking about dress codes.  There's been a low-key campaign for several years of saying that dress codes are the system's way of telling girls to be ashamed of their bodies.  That's not the topic that was debated today, oddly enough.  The topic was, should there be a dress code at all?  Buck argues that, while they may indeed be superfluous, they've been around since dirt was invented, and they're probably not going anywhere, so we may as well get over them and focus on more important things.  Tab . . . is of a different opinion.  And even though the debate got heated, in the end, I think we both made our opinions understood.  Because that's what discourse is: two people hash things out until a reasonable consensus is reached, and both parties are enriched.  Of course, not everyone takes that approach . . . Politics today has become a very frustrating game of "Who can shout the loudest".  While the scale of transgression may not be balanced, both sides of the aisle have been guilty of useless, inflamatory grandstanding.  Often in the form of a march, or a protest.  And while such things were useful once, decades ago, the advent of the internet and social media have essentially rendered them a moot point.  Awareness of any and every given topic can be achieved via facebook or twitter campaigns, leaving the realm of marches to devolve into mass virtue signaling and violence.  When will people, regular old people, just sit down, like rational adults, in front of a couple of microphones, and scream at each other until they can find common ground?  Who knows.

We spend some time catching up on two weeks worth of voicemails.  I want to take this time to say that we really appreciate everyone who has taken the time out of their day not only to listen to our show, but to engage by commenting, calling in, or hopping onto our Discord and saying hello.  And if you follow the link below, you too can join in on the fun on Discord, and talk to not only us (we're almost always around in some capacity or another), but also each other!  One question remains: which of us has the better Donald Trump impersonation?  You'll have to tune in to this week's episode to find out!

 http://www.hereswhatidontget.com/HWIDG

Episode 37 - We Failed The Bechdel Test

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Be sure to fill out all of the appropriate forms, because today we're not stepping on Snek as our heroes bring in the following issues:

- Audits
- Littering
- The Anti-Rape Device
- The Bechdel Test

Alright, everybody drop whatever it is you're doing and start cleaning up! We're having an audit, and you're going to be the recipient of a few curve ball questions that you had no way to prepare for! Audits are the corporate world's way of reminding you that you work for them and not the other way around. They send around some pencil pusher with a god complex to give everything and everyone the white glove test, and if you're found wanting, the tongue clucks of disapproval can be deafening to the ears and devastating to the yearly bonus. It's bad enough that you're being checked up on for the regular stuff, but what's even worse is when your corporate-appointed tormentor can't find anything to nail you on, so they start making up stuff on the spot. We've never mentioned this regulation before? "Well, you should have been omniscient enough to see the future, because I'm holding you fully accountable for this arbitrary technicality." I remember the days when auditors just wanted to make sure you were sweeping and picking up your area, but Tab feels like there's something even worse than litter on the floor . . .

As products vie to become more convenient, there's always one aspect that's left out of the design: disposal. Wrappers, bottles, cans, boxes, some form of packaging is involved in every product you consume, and that package has to go somewhere. Where will you put it? If you're a half-way decent human being, you'll put it in some form of garbage collection receptacle. If you're an inconsiderate nincompoop, you'll just drop it on the ground, like a horse taking a dump, and leave it for someone else to sweep up. One would think that, what with all of the decades of campaigns against littering, that we'd finally have something resembling a handle on this. Guess not. So, I guess that guy in the commercial (you know, the one dressed up as a Native American) still sheds those tears of sorrow as your plastic bottle blows around in the wind, like a twenty-ounce rapist. But, as bad as that is, there's another type of rape that's even worse . . .

Rape is terrible. Point blank. Full stop. End of discussion. But, in addition to teaching men not to rape (and, really, who thinks that anyone disagrees with this point?) we should also help potential victims learn to avoid dangerous situations, or if needs be, defend themselves. But, whereas common sense tells us that it's best to stop the rape before it can begin, some folks prefer to allow the rape to happen, and then spring a "gotcha" on the rapist. Never mind that, in this moment, the victim is still going to be horribly traumatized by the attack. Never mind that an attacker who has control over his victim will still have control after the "gotcha" has struck home, and may choose to escalate the attack from rape to murder. Never mind that the victim could have been provided with the means to prevent the attacker from ever getting close enough to make physical contact. We've got a wierd, nonsensical idea to push out to the world to show how compassionate we are. That's what the Rapex anti-rape device is. It's a contraption that requires the rapist to SUCCEED IN PENETRATING HIS VICTIM before it accomplishes anything. And since penetrating an unwilling victim already requires a certain level of dominance and control, you've just made the attacker even more angry at his victim. Good job. You'd think that feminists would want to prevent the attack from happening in the first place (thus actually preventing a woman from becoming a rape victim), but no. It's more important to them that a man get's pricked in his penis. That's how you know that feminism is only interested in harming men rather than actually helping women. It makes no sense. And speaking of feminist ideas that make no sense . . .

You know what every movie needs? A scene shoehorned in that fits some arbitrary standard of inclusion. Everything these days is about inclusion. So, when they say that your script isn't inclusive unless it contains two women, who are given names in the script, who are having a conversation that isn't about a man, you know you're being told to dance for the puppet masters. The Bechdel Test is just that; an excuse for those who want to control you to give you instructions and then dare you to disobey them. It's a chance for one group of people to look down their nose at anyone who doesn't bow down and worship the golden idol. What's that? This arbitrary conversation doesn't occur in your movie because of some legit reason (such as THE SCENE MAKES NO SENSE OR DOESN'T ADVANCE THE PLOT!? INTO THE FIERY FURNACE WITH YOU!) But even when a movie passes the Bechdel test, does that make it inclusive? Does that necessarily indicate that the film is the paradigm of female empowerment? Take a look at the list of movies that pass the test and decide for yourself if any of them might be frowned upon by feminists.

Buck warns us to mind our feet in multiple tones, and folks chime in with voicemails about last week's issues. Who's been e-mailing Tab? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 36 - Leap Frog Believers

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Be sure not to grind your teeth (unlike Buck) as you vent your  frustrations with us this week as we bring in the following issues:

- New Phones
- Leaving your kids in a hot car
- Passing Leap Frog
- Job True Believers

They've become a part of our everyday lives.  Smartphones were first  predicted (supposedly) by Tesla when he dreamed of a device that would  allow you to communicate with anyone in the world and access the  entirety of human knowledge, all while fitting in the pocket of your  shirt.  But did Tesla foresee planned obsolescence?  Something tells me  he didn't.  It seems like every few months there's a new  latest-and-greatest in smartphone technology, but does anything actually  change from one iteration to the next?  Furthermore, are all brands of  smartphone slowly merging into one in terms of design and functionality?   Are you simply paying for the same phone over and over again?   Potentially.  Probably.  It seems like about a year after you get your  phone, the same problems keep creeping up: they get slower, they start  to glitch, hardware begins to fail, and the battery life goes down the  drain.  And nobody wants to have to stop during their work day to charge  their phone.  Especially if you don't have an outlet charger at work,  so you have to take your phone to charge in your car.  It's either  freezing or smoldering hot, and being left in a hot car is really bad  for your phone.  It's also bad for some other things . . .

It seems  like every week I see two more reports of kids or pets being left in a  hot car.  This is assinine.  Stop it.  Just stop it.  I hate to be  preachy, but maybe if you can't be bothered to think about the fact that  your car gets really really hot in the summer, and your kid or pet will  die if left in a really really hot car, maybe you shouldn't be having  kids or pets.  Especially since a modicum of common sense is all that's  required to A) recognize that there is a danger and B) figure out any of  the several methods of avoiding that danger.  Like, don't leave your  kid in the car; take them with you.  Or, if you absolutely must leave  the kid in the car, leave it running with the air conditioning on, and  don't be gone long.  Or just hire a babysitter.  Or don't go out.  It  really boggles my mind that anyone could pass a test to operate a  vehicle and not grasp this simple concept.  But there are vehicular  concepts that lots of people, it seems, have a hard time with . . .

Cruise control.  It's your friend.  It's that little angel that sits on  your shoulder and says "Hey, buddy, you have a problem with maintaining  the correct speed.  Let me take that over for you."  It's the thing that  keeps you from driving like a jerk.  But, some people can't seem to  grasp the concept, so they speed up and slow down as the winds of fate  blow them around, like detritus in an alley.  What ends up happening is  that you will pass someone, and then slow down and they will pass you,  and then you'll speed up again.  It becomes a vicious cycle known as  Passing Leap Frog.  But, unlike the version of leap frog you played when  you were a kid, this one involves a four thousand pound car, travelling  upwards of fifty five miles an hour, and instead of having fun,  everyone else wants to strangle you.  Is it really that hard to just set  your cruise control and stay out of the way?  Why are you even out on  the road?  Is it because you just love driving?  Well, I might believe  you, but there are some things that you don't just do for the love it . .  .

Everyone, at some point in their adult life, comes across this  stereotype: the company butt-kisser.  The one who shows up early, makes  the coffee, and talks about how much they love the company.  ALL GLORY  TO THE COMPANY!  But, if that paycheck stopped showing up, would they  still suckle from the dry teat?  Would they still talk about how much  they believe in the mission?  Are they a Job True Believer?  There's a  harsh reality, and that is that you only have a job because you need  money.  If you didn't need money, you'd sit around at home, not doing  anything, because existence is hard, and we tend to avoid effort at all  costs.  So, don't ever believe the lie that you're at work for anything  other than a paycheck.  Nobody has time for lies, especially on the  clock.

Someone calls in a solution to the Rewards Card issue from  last week, Tab gets taken to task over taxes, and Uncle Buck calls in  with an issue.  Wait, what?  If you want to know what's going on, you're  going to have to listen to this week's episode! 

Episode 35 - Obfuscated Amusement

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Everybody buckle in and keep your arms and legs inside the shuttle at all times, because we're all going for a ride as we bring in the following issues:

-Price Obfuscation
- PETA
- Membership Cards
- Amusement Park Ticket Prices

I know that many of our wonderful listeners hail from other parts of the globe, where some aspects of life may make slightly more sense than the things we do in the U.S. of A., so if it's normal for you to go to a store, see a price on an item, and pay EXACTLY that price, then you should know about a nonsensical thing we Americans do called "price obfuscation".  It's where the price on the item isn't the actual price you pay at the register.  We, for whatever reason, don't include the sales tax on the sticker price.  Only the money that you're giving the store.  Once you get to the register, then ol' Uncle Sam gets to take his bite.  And it can be a pretty big bite, especially when you're making a larger purchase.  But sales tax isn't exclusive to the U.S.  Many other countries also have sales tax, but simply include that sales tax on the sticker, so that if you're paying the store six currencies and the sales tax is an additional currency, then the price on the sticker will be seven currencies.  But not in America.  Nope.  That'd make sense, and when you let all of your rules be decided by a committee of people who live in a bubble outside of the real world, anything that makes sense goes right out the window.  Every single time.  And speaking of things that don't make sense . . .

Do you love animals?  Everyone has their favorite furry (or feathered or scaly) creature that they just adore.  I bet you'd love to see your favorite non-human treated well, because you're probably at least a half way decent person.  But not if you work with PETA.  People For the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a group of wierd, obsessed psychos who live by the moto "the end justifies the means".  Except that, when PETA does it, they don't accomplish the ends; only the means.  And the means are assinine, and more often than not are punishable as one form or another of assault.  Don't like someone's fur coat?  Spash 'em with paint.  Not only are you going to jail for splashing someone with a potentially toxic liquid (hey, they didn't know if your bucket was full of paint or acid!) and they'll be pressing charges for destruction of property.  PETA members live in a world of fanaticism, but because people get all up in their feelings about images of dogs and cats, they somehow get a pass when their actions cross the line.  But that's how people are.  We'll support anything that makes us feel or LOOK good, and if we're enabling pain and destruction along the way . . . well, I guess you can't win 'em all, right?

Back to the topic of shopping.  Everyone's been to a store where the person at the register tries to push some sort of rewards card or memership card on them.  Especially grocery stores and Game Stop.  But why?  What do you actually benefit from that card?  A few cents off your total?  Big deal.  You're still paying more than what's on the sticker!  And, furthermore, the person at the register doesn't really want to push that card on you, but they have to, because if they don't, they'll be fired.  Companies love knowing who is shopping, and what they're buying.  If they can figure out who you are and what kind of things you like to buy, they can shove more products in your face and down your throat.  It's all about demographics and marketing.  And, hey, I'm all about effective marketing, but the idea of tricking everyone into using a card that collects their metric data is one of those "looks good on paper" ideas.  In reality, nobody with a brain wants to fatten their wallet with useless pieces of plastic.  And the employee doesn't want to get screamed at by Uncle Buck for asking him for his phone number.   And speaking of screaming . . .

The thrill, the joy, the excitement of riding a roller coaster . . . How much more American can you get?  I know, I know, there are roller coasters all over the world.  So, I'll tell you what's more American: capitalism.  And while I love capitalism, I don't always get why some things get valued the way they do.  For instance, why does it cost me $50 to come into your park and stand in line all day?  Why should I find value in paying to get into a place that's extra hot, extra crowded, noisy, and full of products that are astronomically overpriced?  Is the thrill of a two minute train ride that returns me to the exact spot I left supposed to justify this?  I dunno, man.  Seems like a pretty thin deal to me.  But people still flock to amusement parks in the summer months as though they'll never see one again.  But, hey, if they find value in that, then that's the beauty of capitalism and the free market.

Sage calls in, a weather man predicts some precipitation, and Buck gets called out for a screw-up.  What did he do wrong?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 34 - The REAL Here's What I Don't Get

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Ladies and gentlemen, let your beefs begin!  We've discovered that there's another podcast out there calling itself Here's What I Don't Get, and in true HWIDG fashion, instead of a polite e-mail inviting them to change their name, Uncle Buck has gone off half-cocked with his hat and shades on.  But what's their show like?  What are the issues that they discuss?  Do they talk about issues like

- The Hallmark Channel
- Weather men
- Using Your Kids for Virtue Signaling
- Updates

This episode is posting in the middle of July, which means it's only a few days more until they start putting up Christmas decorations.  And with the impending holiday seasons, everyone's minds turn to things like fall festivals, thanksgiving, Christmas parades, and the holiday spirit.  The "holiday spirit", as it turns out, is a corporate invention designed to sell decorations, presents, and greeting cards.  From Hallmark.  But with Man-Net infringing upon their market, they had to branch out into another lucrative revenue stream: entertainment.  But is the Hallmark channel really entertaining?  No.  No it isn't.  There's no witty joke or even room for discussion.  It's just drivel.  Mindless, bland, effortless drivel.  Hallmark movies are the television equivalent of flour and water mixed into a dough without any levening, binding agents, or spices, and then baked until it dries into a flavorless clump that isn't so much bread as it is dried dough.  It's technically edible, and if there literally nothing else to consume, you'll consume it, but it's a chore to eat and leaves you feeling dried out and miserable.  That's the Hallmark channel.  But, if there's nothing else on and you don't want to watch the Hallmark channel, what else is there?  The weather channel, you say?  Well, about that . . .

There are lots of jobs out that that essentially boil down to "step in front of a camera and lie".  One of those jobs is being a tv weather man.  You may or may not have a degree in meteorology, and you may have enough radar domes to supply radar jerk-off material for all of your meteorologist friends, but what you don't have is the ability to predict the weather with 100% accuracy.  What you do have is a rapidly waning commercial and societal relevance.  Nobody really watches actual tv anymore; we're all watching Netflix, Hulu, Youtube, or the insides of our eyelids, but by and large traditional tv stations are going the way of the buffalo.  And if you're a weather man, Tab doesn't even trust you to tell him whether or not that buffalo is going to get rained on, or sucked up into a tornado.  Furthermore, he's *really* annoyed when you bump his favorite show for a pointless tornado watch for three counties over.  Stop that.  Now you're just flashing that horrible "alert" noise to get attention and show how important you are.  That's called "virtue signaling", and while that's bad enough, there's another type of virtue signaling that's even worse . . .

I like to crack jokes with these write-ups, but this legitimately ticks me off.  Stop doing horrible, life-altering things to your kids like raising them specifically to be degenerate, or pumping them full of hormones to show how accepting and tolerant you are.  Stop using your kids to virtue signal.  I'm not one for passing laws to tell people what to do, but I have a soft spot for kids, and when you take your five or six year old kid and start pumping them full of hormones to prove a point, I think you should go to prison.  Not the county jail, but federal prison.  In the worst cell block, where they stuff you in a corner with all the crazies and assume they won't have to worry about feeding you breakfast the following morning.  From giving your kid a dumb name to telling your teenage son that you're ashamed of him for being born male (which was your fault, by the way; nice job), using your kids to show the world how progressive you are is exactly what tells me you're the worst type of human being alive.  And, as I type this and boil over with rage, I kinda think maybe "alive" is exactly what you shouldn't be.  But, feelings change, and maybe, just maybe, by next week my opinion will have been updated.  Speaking of which . . .

It's increasingly popular to have a "smart" this and a "smart" that.  From phones to watches to televisions to refrigerators, everything has to have a computer and a bunch of apps slapped on it.  But what happens when the devices that you use on a daily basis have to go through daily updates?  How about when you need to make that emergency phone call and your OS is in the middle of a ten minute reboot because it's updating?  What then?  I hope you weren't calling 911, or trying to explain to your boss that you're a couple minutes behind but you'll definitely make it to work.  If you are, you're boned.  All because the jerks that made the software got about 75% of the way finished and said "Yeah, that's good enough.  We'll finish the rest later."  There was a time when you bought a thing, turned it on, and just used it, but now you have to update a product AS SOON AS YOU BUY IT, which is absurd!  Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to prepare some edits to this write-up so I can update it in the middle of you reading it.

Andy calls in, with his windows up this time, and Sage tells us what he doesn't get.  We had a VERY special 10 word list come in during the news segment this week.  Who were they from, who were they to, and what did they say?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!
(Tab mentions a video during the episode.  Here's the link.  https://youtu.be/49WDCIaD0ck

Episode 33 - Lower Education

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The nightmare is over again (for a while at least) and Tab is back in North Carolina!  Once again in-studio, and before an audience of live streamers, we slam the throttle into high gear when we bring in the following issues:

- College
- Password Glitches
- Textbooks
- Ecosexuals

You've heard it since before you were born (because they whispered it to you while you were still in your mother's womb).  You've heard it from nearly everyone, because it's ubiquitous . . . Go to college.  But why?  That's what Tab would like to know.  There's a rising tide of common sense and realization that maybe the modern version of college is just a ponzi scheme and has nothing to do with improving your actual future.  You see, back in the days of yore, going to college had a very specific purpose, and that purpose was to give you the knowledge you need to go into a specific field of expertise and succeed.  You'd go to college to learn a trade of some kind.  Maybe law, maybe medicine, maybe finance, but you'd come away from the experience having exchanged your time and money for something of value: knowledge.  Maybe, if you were lucky, even wisdom.  But today colleges offer one and only one course: Advanced Cuckoldry.  I would have said Cuckoldry 101, but you're taught that in elementary school, these days, so that by the time you reach college, your skills of being a useful idiot are so advanced, you could go back in time and ruin history by teaching cuck-fu to the most important historical figures and altering the timeline, ultimately performing the ultimate self-cuckmate by preventing your own existence.  But then you won't have existed to become a cuck and go back in time in the first place, so history will switch back in a paradox of cuckoldry where you both do and do not exist simultaneously; Schrodinger's Cuck.  But, at least you won't have to worry about logging in to anything . . .

It's happened to us all; you're attempting to access some quasi-vital thing in your life, be it e-mail, facebook, or just your Xbox, and you have to enter your password.  No problem.  You haven't changed the password in months, so you fingers glide over the keyboard with the skill, ease and precision that only comes through muscle memory and BAM! you hit that enter key, only to have your password spat back in your face.  "Nope.  Sorry.  That's not right.  Do it again."  So, confused but aware that sometimes even the best of us can fat-finger a key on occasion, you back up and punt.  Nope.  Still not right.  So, this time, you take extra time, ensuring that you're hitting only the correct keys.  Still no.  Your account is locked up tighter than a Puritan vagina.  So now you start to question whether or not you've changed your password, or if maybe your account has been hacked, or if you're just losing your mind.  So it all ends up coming to the last resort: the password reset.  But now your well-rehearsed muscle memory is wasted.  That password will no longer exist; it went right into the same oblivion as your patience.  Sometimes it's better to just walk away for a bit and come back later.  Go calm down by doing something constructive like taking a walk, watching tv, or reading a book.  Of course, some books will only lead to more frustration . . .

Gamestop is notorious among gamers for buying a used game from a customer for a pittance and putting it right back on the shelf an just under full price, but they didn't invent that business model.  No, that honor goes to your college book store.  I remember my college days when you'd go to the book store and pay well over $100 for each of the eight textbooks I'd need for that semester, and that was for used copies.  I'd hate to know how much they cost now.  But, in a day and age where literally all of human knowledge is available at our fingertips, thanks to the internet, what good is a textbook?  If your professor is so smart, why can't he or she just straight up explain the facts to you, or demonstrate them somehow, and leave the Big Textbook industry out of it?  Because it's those same professors who are writing the books, and those greedy jerks aren't going to let a second revenue stream just pass them by.  But what happens when you refuse to buy the book and just show up to class, armed with the internet and a sassy attitude?  Can you autodidact?  Can you out-teach the teacher; out-profess the professor?  If you could find a way to undercut the teacher by being a tutor, could you out-sell the snake-oil salesman?  Could you out-cuck them Cuckster?  That's the beauty of the free market.  Except for the inherent deviancy of creepy college professors.  And speaking of creepy deviancy . . .

I remember back in the 90's when environmentalism was being crammed down the throats of children across America, sold to us by shows like Captain Planet, but now it seems that they're using sex to sell environmentalism, so prepare to have something completely different shoved down your throat.  A penis.  Because the latest and greatest trend in idiotic leftist non-sequiturs is Eco Sexuals.  What are they?  Well, as the root words suggest, they are people who literally (not figuratively) try to have sex with the environment.  Women smearing mud in their vaginas and grinding on trees and rocks.  Guys (I assume) who see that knothole in a tree and think "Oh baby . . .".  I wonder how long it'll be before I see the inevitable image of a woman (or man) with tree sap dripping down their face like a money shot?  The sad part about that last statement is, as silly and deranged as it is, you KNOW for a FACT that it's coming.  But, when you're desperate and wierd enough to try to attain sexual gratification from tree bark, maybe it's just a relief that anything at all is coming, because you definitely won't be.
We revisit a voicemail from last week, and Sage drops by with an issue of his own.  What doesn't he get?  You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 32 - Happy 4th of July

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I hope you're ready for some fireworks (both literal and figurative), because this week's episode was recorded on the good ol' fourth of July! So prepare to 'ooh' and 'ahh' as we bring in the following issues:

- Slow People In Buffet Lines
- "I'm a [blank]" guys
- Pirate movies
- Assigned Seating at Movie Theaters

With cookouts and potlucks being in full swing this summer, Uncle Buck has a helpful PSA to help you stay ahead of the game: KEEP MOVING! There's very little as boring as a potluck dinner, and even worse than the screaming of the unattended kids isn't as mind-numbingly enraging as the dawdling, dead-eyed pace at which people shuffle through the buffet line. It's as if everyone got injections of indecision and ineptitude prior to attending. It's not that hard to choose the two or three things you're actually going to scoop onto your plate, especially since 75% of what's on the table looks completely inedible and\or unsanitary. Just grab the spoon, scoop up your burnt turd casserole, accept your fate, and move along. It's not that hard to pluck out a piece of KFC chicken from the bucket and get out of the way. I have no idea why so many people out there are hyped up over socialism, because the food lines that await us twenty years down the road from now are exactly like this, both in terms of quality and selection, except the table is going to be empty by the time you get to it, and by that point you're going to have either starved to death or cannibalized your neighbor, so the whole ordeal is a moot point anyway. That's why we have jobs. In an economy driven by capitalism, you go to work, earn money, buy food, then prepare and eat it in the privacy of your own home, without the entire nursing home pawing over it first. On today, of all days, I'm thankful for the freedom to develop a skill, work a job, and reap the benefits of my labor for ME and ME ALONE. But, even going to work has its down sides . . .

It's happened to us all. You're taking that skill that you've built over years of hard work, and applying it to a work situation. There's a problem to be solved, and just like that anti-gun weenie who portrays the hero in the Taken movies, you've got a particular set of skills, baby! But, it never fails; some schmuck who saw a Youtube video that one time and somehow has the authority in the situation to hamper your progress comes up and tells you "Oh, I know how to do this, too. I'm a [blank] guy." and proceeds to spout the most inane nonsense you've ever heard. "Oh, you do a podcast? Yeah, I listen to several podcasts, so that makes me an expert. Here's why your show sucks." Oh yeah, buddy? But how many do you actually DO? How many hours have you spent actually COMING UP WITH CONTENT, performing that content, recording it, editing it, presenting and then promoting it? None? Imagine my surprise . . . Until you've actually put your face in front of the camera and hung your voice and opinions out to dry for the entire internet, how about you shut up, yeah? Oh, you know a thing or two about turning on a light-switch, huh? That makes you a lighting engineer? I'm gonna refer you to my buddy, Tab, who is more than likely going to take that entire lighting fixture and wedge it up your rectum and turn it on so that your face looks like the CHARGIN MA LAZERS meme. Speaking of memes . . .

Culture is informed by memes. Did you know that. No, not just the silly pictures we look at on facebook instead of being productive at work. I'm talking about the original definition of cultural memes. But one stereotype that I'm sick to death of is that of pirates. Not the internet pirate, but the Golden Era of Sailing type. The "swashbuckling adventure" type. What exactly does "swashbuckling" mean, anyway? It's basically become synonymous with "cheesy pirate movie". But the fact of the matter is, pirates, while fascinating to learn about, weren't heroes. Or even entertaining. They were a terrible nuisance, and everyone and their brother loathed them to hell and back. Why? They stole and killed. That's it. They didn't bury treasure, they didn't have noble intentions, and they weren't particularly charming or fun. They were people who didn't want to to an honest day's work, so they got on a boat, waited for someone with money to come along, boarded their ship, killed everyone who resisted, and stole whatever was valuable. In essence, they were socialists on a small, more effective scale. It bugs me to no end to see them portrayed as romantic heroes, and it bugs me even more to see kids shows telling us weird nonsense like "pirates never take anything that doesn't belong to them." That's nonsense. That was the entire purpose of being a pirate. But there's one more thing that bugs Tab about pirate movies . . .

Back in the good ol' days, you could just go to the theater, buy your ticket, go in, and pick a seat. Any seat. Got there before everyone else? Then you get literally any seat in the house! Enjoy! But not anymore! There's a growing trend of buying your movie tickets online (which is degenerate, by the way) and having your specific seat in the theater saved for you. You don't even have to get off of your lazy butt and get to the theater early; you can just have mommy and daddy coddle you. Pretty soon, you won't even need to drive yourself to the movies; they'll offer a service where someone comes to your house and carries you, like the crippled writer in Clockwork Orange. But while being toted around by David Prowse (look it up) may be fine to you, it's not to us. There's an old saying, "The early bird gets the worm." Well, I'm not too keen on eating worms, but if I get to the theater before you, I'm taking whatever seat I want, and if that happens to be the one you reserved, too bad. You can go pound sand. I was here first. What's that? You're getting the usher to come deal with me? Good luck, sucker! I out-weigh that pimply prick by a good hundred and fifty pounds. I'd love to see him try to force me out of this chair. You just have fun with that. It'll probably be more entertaining than the movie, anyway!

Our buddy Sage calls in again, and we get a surprise voicemail from a super-villain! Which one? You'll have to listen to this week's episode to find out!

Episode 31 - "Alexa, Where's My Package?"

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Once again into the breach, and by "breach" I mean technical frustrations!  I swear, whenever we're doing the show via Skype, things just get more and more frustrating, but in just a couple more episodes, we'll be back in studio, so please bear with us as we tackle the following issues:

-Delivery Tracking
-Cuddlists
-DIY
-Weaponized Consent Laws

It's a staple of the modern age, it seems, to order something online.  From tools to entertainment to food, we click the "confirm" button and the excitement begins to set in as we eagerly await whatever it is we've spent our hard-earned money on.  And, to heighten that sense of expectation, you can now track your shipment on every leg of its journey, and even see when it's supposed to arrive.  The key words being "supposed to".  But even Alexa can't make the delivery driver competent, and when they screw up and your precious, anticipated package doesn't find its way into your hot little hands, it's upsetting.  Very upsetting.  Upsetting enough to make one need the reasurring comfort of human touch, like a hug.  But what if you're just too socially inept to score a hug without money exchanging hands?  Well . . .

Like most folks these days, Uncle Buck is way too addicted to Facebook.  And every so often, he runs across something so strange, so backwards, so inexplicably stupid that he just can't wrap his head around it.  But could he wrap his arms around it?  I'm talking, of course, about Professional Cuddlists.  What are those, you may ask?  They're charlatans who have somehow managed to make a living by selling non-sexual physical contact.  Like hugs.  Or cuddling.  Or dry humping?  But, it seems like most folks chicks don't need to hire a professional to hug or hump them; they can find that on their own.  But maybe some things you shouldn't be doing on your own . . .

As one comedian put it, Pinterest is where your girlfriend stares at her phone for eight hours and then you eat salad out of a mason jar.  But, aside from helping birth the Ten Word List perk for our Patreon subscribers, it's also a place that convinces the least skilled among us that they too can slap together some ramshackle monstrosity and boldly declare "nailed it!" to the world.  Well, how about when the "nailed it" refers to the rusty nails that you failed to remove from pallet wood that pierces your skin somewhere and requires a tetanus shot?  Or how about if your DIY playhouse collapses and kills your dog?  Let's face it, sometimes taking a half-assed stab at something just because you saw it on the internet isn't such a good idea.  Sometimes trying to do it yourself will only get you screwed, and you'll have no one to blame but yourself.  But speaking of blaming people for screwing you . . .

If you're one of those folks who has managed to shed your professional cuddlists and found some actual human affection in the real world, watch out, because even though money isn't exchanging hands, sex is getting to where it requires a signed contract.  Why?  Because of weaponized consent laws, so that even though yes means yes, sometimes it can also mean no.  Especially during or after the fact.  And whereas some folks are decent enough to talk things over before the banging begins, sometimes you wind up in these situations and find that things aren't going as planned.  Consent laws are, on the surface, a great thing that give victims of rape a voice to hold their attacker accountable, but that pendulum can swing both ways.  It's very easy for any rule to be abused, and when that abuse is used to accuse someone of rape, you can permanently ruin someone's personal and professional reputation.  Buck talks about a solution, but it may not be for everyone.

Our buddy Sage calls in three separate voicemails, and our Aussie buddy Pork Hunt gives his two cents on the Air Compressor debate.  Whose side did he take?  Find out on this week's episode!