Bonus Episode 28 - Ultra Rare Victory

Available now for all $5 Patrons!

Hello Patrons and welcome to this bonus Episode. This Month we're talking about these pleasures!

Winning
Fog
Loot
Cruising

What's best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of their women! Winning, it's what we are biologically driven to do, be a winner. All those people that say they don't care about winning... they are liars.

Better than winning, the Haze all around you that obscures distant objects and makes light seem to have physical form. Fog is the best kind of weather, it's the best atmospheric effect, and it's the best way to make up for your short render distances, I mean.

What better way to make up for that super short render distance than with some free stuff. Loot you want it, you need it, it's the dopamine hit that keeps you playing our game vs. the competitor and makes sure you'll be stealing Mom's credit card to keep paying.

But when the money runs out, there is only one thing to do. Steal Mom's car and go cruising, get away for a bit. Just drive slow and take a look around the world for a time, but do it quick because she definitely reported you for Grand Theft.

Well that's it for this month. Thanks for supporting the show! Don't forget to vote on this month's movie commentary. 

Bonus Episode 27 - Diversity Hire

Available now for all $5 Patrons!

It's that time of the month again, time to take your state mandated anti-masculinity pills and fluff those tits boys. Otherwise you might get a case of the boners and boy would that be embarrassing for everyone. While your hormones even out take some time and think about all the ways you've disappointed your parents with these sins of the past.

Diversity
Cookie Dough
Being the Dumb One
Westerns

Being different was considered by the Elder Race of Man to be a good and healthy part of society. They thought that having many people with different strengths and weaknesses was a path to greater societal strength. As history has taught us though, it is better to be the same, which is why the divine scholars have your bodies surgically modified from a young age to make everyone the same!

Diabetes, Heart Disease, and Salmonella, are all sins of the past you can see in the museum of socio-economic history in San Angeles. There you will find these terrible diseases were eradicated in one move by simply outlawing cookie dough! Our ancestors loved cookies so much that they would eat the uncooked cookie youngling's direct from the egg sack found in the cookie's birthing home, the freezer section of walmart. What better way to enjoy history than with a super fun Bland and Nutritious bar from Taco Bell!!

A tragic story from history is that of Ouzounian the Cuckold. A man who was so stupid that he destroyed his own career and those of his former friends. Following his mental collapse in 2019 God Emperor Trump made it illegal to be stupid, thus creating the Department of Smoothbrain Extermination. This department created new ways to educate the populace and now we are all geniuses in our own minds! No longer are we challenged by the more coherent thoughts of others.

The barbarism of the 20th century is never more evident in their glorification of the violence of the 19th century. The barbarism and simplistic story telling while captivating and visually stunning is not a thing we allow in this enlightened future. The museums of Western History were all bombed in the great war of 2024 to show that we have risen above the barbarism of shooting hunks of metal into one another over petty differences, and now shoot mother fuckin lasers!

We hope your conditioning is returning to normal and any masculine urges you may have felt have past. We'll see you next month when you have to penis cut off and reattached just above your anus for proper self fornication.

Bonus Episode 26 - Magically Deaf

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Available now for $5 Patrons!

Welcome HWIDG fans to December's extra merry bonus episode. We've got a lot to be thankful for this year, and you're gonna hear about it! This month we're sitting around the fire and talking about these pleasures.

- Magic
- Earplugs
- Deadcells
- Pepto

Spoiler Alert: Tim has still not taken these damn Magic Cards.

Magic, Earplugs, Deadcells, Pepto

Bonus Episode 25 - November

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

Sorry this one is late folks, but a big snowstorm came through and delayed all the flights. This bonus episode had to stay at a very mediocre La Quinta Inn for a few days until another flight came through. At least the breakfasts were continental. Anyways, here it is, and here’s what we discuss:

* Snow
* Pranks
* Boxing Movies
* Getting A New One

As always, thanks for supporting the show! We’ll see you next month with another hot batch of Do Gets!

Bonus Episode 24 - Apparently!

Available now for all $5 Patrons

It's time to get spooky with this month's bonus episode filled with do gets! This month we talk about what is/isn't a soup, our experiences with haunted houses, weird comic book multiverses, and shorthand communication. As always, thanks to YOU our lovely patrons for supporting the show, and we'll see you next month for another round of do gets.
* Soup
* Haunted Houses
* Comic Book Alternate Universes
* Shorthand

Bonus Episode 23 - Haunted Telephone

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Available to all $5 Patrons now!

Hey there, folks! For your monthly bonus episode we talk about things we remember! Like, the month of September. Despite what Earth Wind & Fire told you, it’s been very cloudy here. Join us as we get into why we love:  

* Cars (aka Owen Wilson’s drug money)
* Urban Exploring (aka breaking and entering)
* Flashlights (aka Torches, for you wierdos)
* Good Packaging (Big, toight packages)

Catch us next month for another round of Do Gets, and as always thank you for your patronage! Listen to this one on the 21st for maximum effect! 

Bonus Episode 22 - Rock and Roll D.I.Y.

Available Now! To all $5 Patrons at www.Patreon.com/HWIDG 

It’s that time of year again. Back to school! As you either whisk your little ones away or move your stuff into your dorm, remember to take some time for the things you love! Don’t worry, that essay can write itself the night before it’s due. How about you listen to this month’s Bonus Episode instead and get some ideas on how to wind down after a cram session. This month’s do-gets include:

- Cold Drink on a Hot Day
- Fixing it Yourself
- Rock Band
- Bitching

Literally nothing is more refreshing than an ice-cold drink when you’re hot. Name one thing more refreshing. I dare you. You can’t. Whether it’s a glass of sugary-sweet lemonade, a fizzy pop, or even just a nice chilled glass of water, nothing feels better. Been working out? Cranking them lifts? BAM! Cold glass of water. Maybe you’ve been mowing your front lawn and trimming trees? BAM! Lemonade cures all. Maybe it’s just a hot day, and you’ve been out riding your bike all over town with your buddies. BAM! Grab a nice root beer from the Stop-n-Go, but STEAL IT THAT MAKES IT FEEL EVEN BETTER.

Sometimes, you’re way in over you head. You’re not gonna be able to un-total a car. But for those smaller problems, the ones that others might immediately go to a specialist for? Well, my friends we’re here to tell you to fix it yourself. It’s a wondrous sense of accomplishment that comes along with it. Researching, gathering your tools, and fixing it step by step makes you feel like a productive member of society. You really out-did yourself this time. Go you.

Thank you Harmonix. You music game gods that gave us this beauty of a rock n’ roll simulation. It’s the closest you can get without actually learning an instrument to being in a band. It’s the best parts of karaoke, Guitar Hero, and party games all put together in a toight package like Robert Plant. It’s so much fun that when Tab recently lost his 8/9 year old save game, he didn’t say “screw this, I’m done”. He just started over again. And let me tell you folks, that is an amazing feat, and a very telling sign.

Getting something off your chest. Everyone’s gotta do it. Whether it’s work bringing you down, this mixed-up freaky world of ours, or you spilled some ketchup on your shirt, you can’t keep it bottled up inside. That’s how people go crazy. Think about it like an engine. You’re building up all this heat and nasty gunk inside, you’ve got an exhaust for a reason. Use it. Other wise it’ll all end up in your head and you’ll look like someone from Scanners by the end of the week. We don’t want that, you don’t want that.  (But if that does happen, film it for posterity. Exploding heads are always cool.)

As always, a big thanks to you Patrons for supporting the show. Your money is being put to good use on plenty of cold drinks and Rock Band DLC.

Bonus Episode 21 - The Great Chili Debate

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

This month we've got these exciting do gets!

- Salsa
- Chili
- 40 Hours
- Rain

Quickly becoming the leading condiment on Earth Salsa is like ketchup, but for Mexican food, and has many different flavors. I guarantee out there somewhere is a Salsa for you. I think I am going to create an online dating website for Salsa, then one for Whiskey.

Hotly contested second Do Get this month. Chili, one host loves it, and one host hates it. Is this the end of HWIDG?

Bouncing off an issue in episode 85, 40 hours? Is it an issue or a Do Get? Listen to both episodes and you decide, or is Tab just really trying to hammer home that he has a job and that's why he stopped doing Madcucks. I mean he totally isn't going bald and blocking people because he's been infected.

Our final do get this month is Rain. Where would we be without the magical water falling from the sky? We'd be dead. So put on your dancing shoes and summon some rain clouds while you're listening to this great episode.

As always thank you so much to our patreon supporters, be sure to check out the Discord if you haven't already. Comment below on which side of the Chili Debate you fall.

Bonus Episode 19 - Water Heater Hacks

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

The heat is on, folks. On the stove, in the sky, oppressing the ones you love with it's sweltering radiance. Here at Here's What I Don't Get, we're trying to keep cool by any means necessary, cold showers, popsicles, the works. We find what works best is sticking the following do gets in the freezer for about 15 minutes:

- Hot Water
- Cooking Competition shows
- Bullying
- Getting rid of things

Due to the amount of rage Tab has to deal with, he often comes home from a long day of work covered in the blood of various people. A mildly warm shower won't take care of that. No, you need a black market shower head built for elephants, and a hacked water heater. The steam opens up your pores, you know.

Chopped, Cutthroat Kitchen, Top Chef, MasterChef, Tim loves 'em all. Can't get enough. Seriously. And Tab has a problem with that. High cuisine and fine dining are a whole other world it seems. Prepare yourselves for a four course meal in what may be the most controversial do get yet.

Bullying. A little goes a long way. No one should be getting pounded in the face for wearing glasses, but just like in exercise where you break down those muscles and they grow back stronger, a little bullying and standing up to it prepares you for life. Unfortunately, zero tolerance policies these days let the kids know that defending yourself is wrong. Sounds to me like the school administrators need a bit of bullying themselves.

Minimalism, it's all the rage these days. Living minimally means getting rid of those superfluous things that take up all that room. Burn them if you have to. Just get rid of them. With flames. Dancing against the night sky. The ashes land on your tongue. They taste sweetly of bitterness. The fire is in us all. Release it.

Thanks for supporting the podcast folks, we couldn't do it without you! I mean, we could, but it wouldn't be as fun. Don't forget to Vote on Next Month's Commentary 

Bonus Episode 18 - Special Delivery

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

It’s that time of the month again. Time to crank up the tunes and put on your dancing shoes, because Here’s What I DO Get is finally here. Take our hand and let us lead you to the dance floor and boogie down, just don’t step on our shoes as we dance to the sweet sounds of:

-Not Being the New Guy
-The Circus
-Coheed and Cambria
-Socks

Being the new person anywhere tends to suck, work, school, you name it. It’s awkward, you stand out, and people call you “New Kid” instead of your actual name. So, as soon as someone takes your place, there’s a big wave of relief that washes over you. But on the other hand, you no longer have that extra shield to save you from mistakes. Before you know it, you’re calling them “new guy” too.

You wanna get pumped to go to the circus? Two words: Sabre Dance. It’s high flying danger, jaunty comedy, and goddamn lions jumping through goddamn flaming hoops, what else could you want?! You don’t want to see a Mad Max style motorcycle stunt called THE GLOBE OF DEATH? What’s wrong with you?

Look, Tim’s into some weird stuff, alright? So it’s no surprise that his favorite band is an emo/prog/punk/rock band that sings about almost-human robots with gun arms and telekinetic powers, and spaceship battles, and poisoning your children, and viruses that can blow up galaxies, and blue-skinned killer angel ladies, and that’s just the FIRST album! He likes them a lot, and he’ll talk his head off to you about them, but he won’t be pushy about it.

Socks! They’re shoes without the hassle of laces, stretchy enough to cover holiday bloating, cheap enough to have lots of, and diverse enough to have whatever the hell you want printed on them. Tab’s a pretty straightforward all black socks kinda guy, but Tim’s got all kinds of colored and patterned socks. 

All this, plus we talk about the ethical quandaries of cheating in school, and we open our first viewer mailbag! As always thanks for supporting the show, remember to vote for next month’s movie commentary, and we’ll see you next time.

Bonus Episode 17 - Black Panther for HWIDG Fans

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Available now for all $5 Patrons

Welcome back patrons to another round up of all those things we DO get this month. This time we're discussing these very important issues.

- A Full 8 Hours
- Peanut Butter
- Hats
- Halloween

Every 10 minutes some one participates in the sleep olympics, you know what I am talking about. "Oh last night I only slept 3 hours." "That's nothing, I only slept 2 hours, 3 days ago." "OH YEAH, Well I haven't slept since I was a child." At the end of the day the winner is still the biggest loser, because you and me, we planned our lives properly and got that sweet sweet 8 hours last night, and every night. The best part of waking up, is realizing it's before your alarm and you can go back to sleep.

The next best part of waking up is peanut butter, not just for tricking your dog into licking your balls. Peanut Butter is the perfect combo of protein and sugar. You can use it for a healthy lunch, and then for desert add a pound of sugar and bake for 20 - 25 minutes into a Chocolate Chip Peanut Butter Cookie. Who was there for you when your lunch account ran out for one fucking day, and god forbid the lunch lady just let you eat the regular lunch and figure your family could pay back the $2 the next day? A peanut butter sandwich, that's who, and don't you forget it.

This show has had a long running gag of the hat and shades meme. I'll be honest, I don't get it. I was worried when I joined the show they were gonna make me get a trump hat, fortunately that didn't happen. Hats were a great invention, they keep your hair looking nice, and if you're bald like a certain ass blasted armenian, or dipshit online journalist a hat can protect your frail ego. A hat is also a tool, think of all the cool shit you could be doing with a hat right now.

It may seem premature but it is time to start thinking about Halloween. That's right you only have six months to hit the gym to fit into that slutty outfit that might as well be underwear this Halloween. If Christmas can slowly bleed the life out of the Calendar it's time other holidays challenge it and Halloween should be the one. It has no religious overtones, except for the dumb fuck assholes that call it "The Devil's Birthday." It's fun no matter what age you are, and the decorations look cool as shit. What other time of year can you get pulled over with a body in the trunk and laugh it off? That's what I thought.

As always thank you to all of the patrons here at HWIDG. You keep the show going with your support. Join the Discord if you haven't already and vote on the issues and talk to us about what you don't get. Also don't forget to vote on this month's movie commentary


Bonus Episode 16

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

This month on Here’s What I Do Get:  
* Puzzles
* Shutting The Fuck Up
* Being Right
* Turning It Off

Sure you're a lazy do nothing who weighs 400 lbs, what are you going to do exercise? No. Unless you're exercising your mind. Puzzles aren't just movie posters that Edward Scissorhands got a hold of. You can do them on your phone or the computer. Put numbers in boxes, or letters, or rearrange some letters. Unwind with a puzzle, you've earned it.

While you enjoy that puzzle, here is something low calorie, vegan, and gluten free. Shutting the Fuck Up. Look, we've all had that thought, but next time instead of saying it, just Shut the Fuck Up. Maybe your wife won't yell at you for 10 minutes. Online argument not going the way you planned? Here's a steaming hot cup of STFU. Shutting the Fuck Up now at Walmart.

Unfortunately you can't always Shut the Fuck Up, and when that happens you gotta be right. Being right is the greatest feeling on Earth. Those three little words that make you the king of everything "You Were Right." Who doesn't have a great day when they are proven right. You may never hear that though, because the other party may learn the lesson and never tell you, but you know, deep down in your heart. You were right.

Finally right after this episode what are you going to do? Turn it off. Sometimes you just need to get away from the world and the constant pings and beeps of the digital world and be human again. Go to dinner and leave your phone in the car. Turn off the TV and play a game with your family. Just turn it all off for a little bit and see how not being on all the time feels good.

Well that wraps it up for this months bonus episode. We'll be seeing you in a couple weeks for the Minisode with a very special guest. If you're wallet is feeling a little bit fat why not double your pledge and vote in the Monthly Movie Commentary and catch it with us on March 1st. Thanks for supporting the show!

Bonus Episode 15

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Available now for all $5 Patrons!

Here's What We Do Get this month:
* Silence
* Filtered Water
* Organizing Files
* Ad-blockers 

 Tab Blows the episode intro so badly we almost had to cancel the show. 

Speaking of cancelling the show, that would leave you our first do get this month. Silence. Silence is the feeling of taking off your shoes at the end of a long day. Silence is that first bite of a delicious steak. Silence is the only non physical entity described as gold. 

What else is gold?   Well that water filter in your fridge, it's the gold standard separating you from being healthy, or living in Flint Michigan. Wether it's attached to the back of your fridge like a hideous mole, or a plastic contraption constantly needing to be refilled filtered water is great.   What is a water filter really if not just an organized and specifc place to store your water? 

That's why Tim gets Organizing Files, we go off the deep end into a really hot and heavy discussion on file storage on our computers does someone pop a boner?   You'll never know because that Boner, had an advertisement for some obnoxious cereal on the tip of it and you aren't an idiot, you use ad block. 

Remember the days when searching for porn was followed quickly by a scan with your anti-virus? Not anymore, now you're more likely to get a virus visiting imgur or CNN because they used some shittier ad server. Please though, put some stupid thing in my face about turning off ad block.  

Thanks once again for Supporting the show, stay tuned for a Minisode coming on the 30th, and Madcucks vs Discuckery coming back to finish the season!

The Car Podcast

Available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

After recording an episode of the regular show I thought we'd take a crack at recording a Bonus episode, and hey, why not do it in person. With no where to do it that was particularly quiet we took the show on the road recording the whole thing using my DR-40 field recorder and a couple of mics while driving aimlessly around town. This one has the best audio quality of the three, but there is still some traffic noise and other car noises.

Minisode 3 - With Buck

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Audio available now to all HWIDG Patrons!

Video Available now to all $5 Patrons!

ThankTHnullTHnulTHTHnullTHnulTThanksThankTHnullTHnulTHTHnullTHnulTTYup.

(What you see above is what happens when I try to post to patreon from my phone.  I was gonna come to my pc and fix it, but I decided it should stay.  Thanks for your support, everyone!)

Bonus Episode 11 - Term Limits

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Available now to all $5 Patrons!

That's right, it's another bonus episode for our illustrious Patreon subscribers!  Without your contributions, this podcast COULD NOT happen, so thank you!


 . . . also, sorry about the audio quality.  Turns out trying to record two people in my upstairs studio  . . . ehhh . . . not really the best way to do things. -ub